TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®
March, 2007
IN THIS ISSUE
1. Miscommunicating, Misstepping and Missing the Relationship Boat
2. The Dance Between Rejection and Taking Things Personally
3. Talk About Vicious Circles!
4. Ten Sure-fire Ways to Avoid Rejection
5. Contacting Elayne
6. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information
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1. Miscommunicating, Misstepping and Missing
Relationship Boat
By Elayne Savage, PhD
It's amazing how business or personal relationships can so
quickly get off course.
It's often because of those mmmm's.
There are a whole bunch of mmmm's out there causing bumps
along the path to successful work and personal relationships.
Let's start with a few: miscommunication, misreadings,
misunderstandings, mistakes, missteps and miscues.
Most folks would say miscommunication is a big problem. Someone's
meaning is not clear to you. You may try to guess what someone
means and you misread them.
Sometimes it's a miscommunication is connected to misunderstanding.
If you don't understand someone's meaning do you make an attempt to
clarify by asking?
Or, instead, do you play a frustrating game of 'fill-in-the-blanks'?
When we don't know the answer to something we tend to
fill in the empty space with our own perceptions and
interpretations. Most of the time, of course, we're mistaken.
These interpretations pass through a filter containing your
private storehouse of experiences accumulated since
childhood.
These early experiences color your beliefs about
the safety of your world and the people in it.
These experiences, when positive, teach you to trust the
intentions of others.
However, if they happen to be rejecting experiences they might
teach you to be wary and to protect yourself from further hurt
and rejection.
Do You Recognize This Situation?
Here's a story I've heard many times with variations. It goes
like this:
You are walking down the hallway at work. You pass your
manager who who doesn't say hello.
What do you tell your self? Do you find yourself going through
your emotional checklist:
- Am I not dressed OK?
- Do they not like me?
- Did I do a bad job on that report?
You might even tell yourself, "Oh no, I'm going to be fired."
Fired! How quickly your mind went there.
Fascinating isn't it - how we 'fill-in-the-blanks' with self-doubt
and self-rejection when we don't know the real explanation.
Most likely the explanation is that he or she was wrapped up
in their own thoughts. They just didn't see you. Do you think
you might have misread the situation?
The Bull's Eye in a Target
Isn't it amazing
- how we seem to find ourselves in center stage.
- how we make the situation all about US (when it's frequently
more about the other person.)
- how we take it as a personal affront.
When you find yourself in the center of your universe, it's hard
not to personalize the actions of others.
In that center position it feels like all eyes are on you. It's
no wonder you feel like a the bull's-eye in a target -- just
waiting for the dart's sting. And expecting it.
Getting hurt a few times too many leads to protecting yourself
from more hurt.
When you feel like a target, vulnerable and unprotected, it's hard
not to take it personally.
2. THE DANCE BETWEEN TAKING THINGS PERSONALLY
AND REJECTION
Taking things personally, means feeling disrespected and rejected.
Taking things personally, means feeling blamed or slighted or
personally attacked.
Taking things personally, means getting feelings hurt by
misinterpreting the meanings of others. We see the actions of
others as a personal affront, believing someone intends to hurt us.
Taking things personally, means that our emotions are controlled
by what somebody says or does or what they don't say or do.
The tendency is to protect ourselves, to pull back,
even to the point of 'disappearing.' One person I know describes
how she "learned to contract into a pinpoint, withdrawing from
everybody and everything. I went invisible. I still do."
What Happens Next?
When you're feeling snubbed, hurt and rejected, how do you suppose
you'll react the next time you see the offending person?
You may find yourself avoiding that person's eyes in your next
interaction. If your hurt shows on your face or body language,
they may interpret it as judgement or distain. Or it may look like
'attitude' to them.
Now it's the other person's turn to 'fill in the blanks.' They'll
try to figure out why you're acting the way you are. Usually they
start with something like:
- "Do I have food caught in my teeth?"
- "Did I just say something stupid?"
- "Maybe you don't want to work with me anymore."
Thinking these kinds of thoughts generally does not make that
person open and available to you. Probably they'll be closed off
and protected.
3. TALK ABOUT VICIOUS CIRCLES!
Each person's behavior affects and is affected by the other
person's behavior. Before you know it, there is a reciprocity
of behaviors that's rapidly getting out of hand.
My book BREATHING ROOM describes the many facets of reciprocity
and how it affects relationships. Reciprocity is "the effect
of behavior on subsequent behaviors, how one response begets
another.
"For example, #1 says something to #2. And #2 thinks #1 means
something negative or critical by what is said. Then #2 reacts
protectively, that is to say, withdraws. And #1 reacts to the
perceived withdrawal, perhaps getting hurt or angry. And on and
on it goes, with no beginning and no end.
In other words, #1 doesn't do it to #2.
#2 doesn't do it to #1.
They do it with each other."
The behavior of each person affects the behavior of the
relationship.
As you can see, this circular process of relating
can cause problems for professional, friendship and romantic
relationships.
Here are some brief examples of how relationships get thrown
off-balance when miscommunication and reciprocal interactions
cause confusion.
For example, Amanda was going through a tough time and
talked to her friend about it. It was several months
before the friend called Amanda to follow-up on how
she was doing.
Amanda told herself all those months that her
friend didn't care about her. In fact, the friend had called
twice and left messages which were not passed on to Amanda.
This was a miscommunication and misunderstanding that might
have caused irreparable damage a long-time friendship.
Thankfully Amanda initiated a conversation with her friend
about her discomfort about the situation.
On the other hand, interest doesn't always work the same
for everyone. Keith asked his partner Hannah quite a few
specific questions about her new job and new boss.
Hannah saw it as 'prying,' where Keith says he was 'only trying
to show interest and caring.'
Good thing they talked about it before feelings got too hurt.
Both might have built protective walls around themselves,
keeping the other out.
Really, Really Awkward
All too often these confusing behaviors don't get
addressed and checked out. The longer it goes on, the
harder it is to get back on course. You don't know what to
say or how to say it. So you don't say anything.
The relationship becomes strained. And you begin to
feel very awkward with that person.
So you avoid contact with them. Or keep it to a minimum.
Or don't look them in the eyes when you do see them.
They may feel like you're ignoring them. Ignoring feels like
disrespect. Disrespect feels like a rejection.
And once you get on that run-away-rejection train, it's
hard to get off.
Why not take a deep breath. Make an attempt to deal
directly with the issue and the person. The idea of
'confronting' is surely scary. However, remember that confronting
the situation is not the same as confronting the person.
You could start by identifying and addressing the awkwardness.
At least that's an entree back into a respectful relationship.
You might say something like: "I've noticed that it's been
awkward between us lately. I wonder if it has felt the same
for you? I'd like our relationship to get back on track. Can
we talk about how we can make this happen?"
Here are some tips for not getting on that train in the
first place:
5. ELAYNE SAVAGE'S 10 SURE-FIRE WAYS
TO AVOID REJECTION
• Remind yourself, it's more about the
other person than it is about you.
• Separate the "personal" from the
"professional."
• Don't presume - check things out.
• Don't try to read someone's mind-
or expect them to read yours.
• Put yourself in the other person's
shoes. How might they be feeling?
• Remember: you really do have choices.
• Be direct. Ask for what you need.
• Practice "time outs." Count to 10.
• Try rejecting rejection for a change.
• And DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
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The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.
6. Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708
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