TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®
April, 2007
IN THIS ISSUE
1. Don Imus, the Schoolyard Bully
2. Taking Bullying Personally - It Starts in the Sandbox
3. Why Do Bullies Bully?
4. Tips for Bully-Busting
5. Contacting Elayne
6. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information
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1. Don Imus, The Schoolyard Bully
By Elayne Savage, PhD
I was writing this April newsletter on workplace bullying.
Several of you suggested the topic.
Then the Don Imus fiasco happened. I listened to commentators
discuss the meaning of it all: the blatant racial and sexual slurs,
the inappropriateness, the outrageousness of it all. But something
was missing. The bullying factor.
Have you noticed the recent onslaught of bullying on radio,
TV and blogs? I got all fired up about the need to address it
So I adjusted my original topic a bit - from workplace bullying to
airwave bullying. The components are essentially the same.
Imus reminds me of all the schoolyard bullies I've known since
kindergarten: arrogant, demeaning, insulting, coercive, assaultive,
contemptuous, belittling, picking fights, and taking cheap shots.
Random House Unabridged defines a bully as a "blustering,
quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates
smaller or weaker people."
I must have been a 'small and weaker' people. I sure got bullied a
lot. And it it hurt a lot.
Perhaps this is why the recent Imus transgressions have such a
powerful effect on me.
Something unsettling is getting triggered here. Memories are
coming back about all the times someone teased me, taunted me,
humiliated me, or spit at me.
Yes, you read that right. Spit. That's what some neighbors did
across the screen separating our row houses in D.C. And their
teenage son used to threaten to beat me up in the alley. I guess I
was about 6 years old.
I'm hearing from others that they, too, are reacting powerfully to
the Imus Chronicles. They too, have memories of bullying.
"Talk to me Down and Dirty - I'm Listening"
I'm amazed at the huge audiences these bullying airwave
'personalities' have. Do folks crave to be insulted and talked
down to? Or perhaps they enjoy hearing others get their
'comeuppance,' being made 'bad' or 'wrong,' and humiliated for
having their own viewpoints.
For many of these media personalities there is no room for
disagreement. And if someone dares to phone in and question an
opinion, the caller is bullied. Unmercifully.
I've done a lot of interviews. I can remember one particularly
difficult interview on a major TV show. I was the newby on the 'panel'
and the others made great sport of bullying me into chopped liver. I
managed to hold my own, but it was not a
fun experience.
Bullying behavior can be obvious or it can be subtle. What it is
of course, is emotionally abusive and rejecting.
2. TAKING BULLYING PERSONALLY
It's hard not to take it personally when an attack feels so personal.
Taking things personally is connected to a myriad of rejection
issues — feeling betrayed, judged, criticized, intruded upon,
humiliated, or bullied. The issue here is that someone is feeling
“dissed:” disrespected, discounted, disdained, disposable,
dismissed, disclaimed, dispensable, disregarded, disclaimed,
disbelieved, disparaged.
It Starts in the Sandbox
I wrote in Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection:
"It doesn’t take much for feelings to get hurt. A lot of times it
starts in the sandbox, when one child flicks sand at another. The
picked-on child feels hurt and confused. 'Why me? What did I do?
Do I just sit here and take it? Do I try to ignore it and pretend
nothing happened? Or do I up the ante and flick sand back?'”
Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering - criticizing,
belittling, shaming, or publicly humiliating someone. But rejection
doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in
more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice. Rolling the
eyes will get a reaction every time.
We all want to feel respected. And bullying is big-time disrespect
which we perceive as rejection.
Disrespect shows itself by emotional outbursts. Or it may surface in
baiting, putdowns, judgments, or criticism.
Or it appears as teasing, cynicism, or sarcasm.
The Underbelly of Teasing, Cynicism and Sarcasm
Teasing, cynicism, and sarcasm have something in common: Anger. On
the surface, each behavior appears to be "funny" or "just a joke."
In reality, when you scratch the surface, each has undertones of
anger. But they are passed off as 'humor.' Humor at the expense
of others.
Teasing by parents, relatives, teachers or peers leads to forming
negative beliefs about ourselves and our world. And these beliefs
accompany us into our work and personal relationships.
"Our agenda is to be funny, and sometimes we go too far. And this
time we went way too far," said Imus in a recent interview.
Imus' Program Director Jennifer Worley claims, "He manages to
insult someone every day."
More examples of being funny at someone else's expense?
3. WHY DO BULLIES BULLY?
When you think about it, bullies must not be feeling very powerful.
If you take a good look, under that aggressive exterior you'll find
a scared, hurting, ineffectual and insecure person.
When we feel vulnerable, we tend to protect ourselves. Some of us
protect ourselves by taking a tough stance. Some of us need to puff
ourselves up.
Sometimes taking a tough stance gets carried to the extreme and some
people engage in bullying behavior.
Think about it this way: bullies are puffing themselves up and
seeking out someone to bully. Yet, under that aggressive exterior of
the bully is someone who is scared or hurting.
Blustery behavior is usually a cover for emotional pain. AND it helps
keep people away.
The Wizard of Oz and The Smokescreen
I once heard actor/comedian Robin Williams describe what it was like for
him to finally get to know his father. The quote went something like
this: “It’s like in The Wizard of Oz. Don’t look behind the curtain -
behind it is a terribly fragile man.”
When I first saw the movie as a child I was so scared: that huge
booming voice of the Wizard. The billowing bursts of smoke.
Now I can see what a smoke screen is all was.
In Breathing Room I wrote: "When we puff ourselves up or push someone
around, it doesn’t leave much room for the other person, and they end
up feeling diminished.
In reaction to someone puffing up, many of us quickly get intimidated,
wilt, and disappear. It just doesn’t feel good to be on the receiving
end of puffing or pushing."
4. TIPS FOR BULLY-BUSTING:
If you find yourself on the receiving end of bullying, remind
yourself:
• The bully is most likely not feeling very good about him
or herself. In fact, he or she is probably feeling
insecure, anxious, hurting, ineffectual, or vulnerable.
Maybe all of the above.
• When the bully inflates him or herself, this takes up a lot of
space. Your space. Stand your ground and keep your space so
you won't so easily deflate and feel diminished.
• The best defense against a bully is taking action - any kind
of action.
• FIRMLY tell the person that his or her behavior is not
acceptable. Ask them to stop immediately.
• Try to separate the "then" from the "now." Remember if you
find yourself overreacting, early rejection messages might
be involved here.
• Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Remind yourself
that teasing is bullying and bullies are feeling neither
good about themselves nor powerful in that moment. When
they bully, they are only puffing themselves up to feel
more powerful.
• Practice speaking up about your feelings instead of
harboring hurt and resentment. For example, "I heard you
say "________________." When you said that it felt like
you were teasing. Even if you didn't intend it, I found
myself getting confused and upset. I hope our future
exchanges can be free of that."
• Take a deep breath and set your personal boundaries. Then
state your position clearly.
• You can allow them space to vent and express
frustration. However, you do not have to let them become
abusive. If they do, you can firmly remind them that their
behavior is not acceptable.
• And remember, the best way to get someone to give YOU
respect is to show respect to them. Think about something
you can appreciate about the other person. It can be
something inconsequential. Maybe their choice of colors,
their laugh, their eyes. Then concentrate on the something.
They'll see respect in your eyes and just maybe it'll come
right back at ya.
Soon to come in upcoming issues: more focus on workplace bullying.
© 2007 Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul
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Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
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6. Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708
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