TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®
May, 2007
IN THIS ISSUE
1. "It's Not Easy Being Green - The Heartache of Being 'Different'
2. The Effects of Teasing, Taunting and Ostracizing
3. Virginia Tech and Cho Seung-Hui's Two Plays.
4. Memories of Columbine and Even The Menendez Brothers
5. Rage is "Anger with a History"
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription
1. IT'S NOT EASY BEING GREEN - THE HEARTACHE OF BEING 'DIFFERENT'
By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.
Last month I wrote about bullying behavior and the damage it can do.
A couple of days later the killing rampage occurred at Virginia Tech.
So this month, let's take a look at the effects on someone who is
teased or ignored because they are "different." As Kermit the frog
says, "It's not easy being green."
2, The Effects of Teasing, Taunting and Ostracizing
All too many of school violence situations happen when someone has
been repeated teased, taunted and/or ostracized. Then at some point
a few decide they are "just not going to take it anymore."
Perhaps their misery is so great they contemplate killing themselves.
Perhaps with their fuzzy thinking, killing others gives them reason
to kill themselves. Or to let police bullets do it for them.
Of course, many children and young adults are teased by schoolmates.
Most have enough resiliency to bend without breaking. But some are
more brittle.
In 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' I
quote from Ronald Rohner's studies of worldwide rejection. He found
three important characteristics contribute to resiliency in children.
These are: development of a sense of self, self-determination,
and the capacity to depersonalize.” To me, this means they don't take
things so personally.
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
3. Virginia Tech and Cho Seung-Hui's Two Plays
Just after the Virginia Tech killings I had the opportunity to read Cho
Seung-Hui's two short plays. I was handed both eight page plays by
KTVU reporter Ken Wayne, just before he interviewed me for a Bay Area
TV newscast.
I quickly read the plays, then we talked about them as the camera rolled.
Here's the link to the news clip.
http://www.ktvu.com/video/12345827/index.html -The Ken Wayne Interview
This was one of the most difficult interviews I've ever given. At the
time, we still knew very little about the killer or about what happened.
The video tapes had not yet been released. I'm always careful
not to speculate when I don't have enough facts in front of me.
4. Memories of Columbine and Even the Menendez Brothers
AND this brought back memories of the day the Columbine killings
occurred.
I went on the air for 4 hours that evening with a Denver radio host. We were
trying to help folks make some sense of what had happened that day in
Littleton, Colorado.
The killings at Columbine High School are in part the result of two students
being teased, taunted and ostracized by classmates for being 'different.'
Both described injustices done to them by a handful of students. Reportedly,
a friend says the two would often joke about getting revenge, saying, "It’s time
to get back at the school.”
“They were tired of those who were insulting them, harassing them.
They weren’t going to take this anymore, and they wanted to stop it.
Unfortunately, that’s what they did.”
As Kermit reminds us, "It's not easy being green."
Dylan Klebold was described as a shy, quiet loner with few friends.
He wrote about killing himself.
Eric Harris once wrote: "I hate you people for leaving me out of so
many fun things."
On April 20, 1999, they armed themselves with shotguns, handguns
and a semi-atomatic. They tormented and killed twelve classmates
and a teacher.
I am also reminded of another gruesome killing incident when Erik and
Lyle Menendez brutally killed both parents.
I remember their Aunt's testimony during the trial. She described how she
lived across the street. Often the boys, then toddlers, would cross the street by themselves in the morning because they were hungry. Their mother was
reportedly sleeping off too much booze the night before and did not get up
to take care of them.
The image of toddlers crossing the street alone to find food has stayed
with me all these years. Toddlers!
Of course the stories we heard in the media addressed the more
obvious allegations of physical and sexual abuse by the father.
Their mother not only failed to protect them from their father,
but she neglected their physical needs as well.
Here again I had the opportunity to appear on a national TV talk show.
And again I was attempting to help the public better understand how
this kind of brutal, horrific violence could have occurred.
The Menendez killings are another example where perceived injustices
bring on anger and violent rage.
Surely, neglect, emotional, physical or sexual abuse does not give
someone the right to kill.
Yet, understanding the abusive conditions can help us understand
the feelings of injustice and anger or rage that lead to these
killings.
5. Rage is Anger with a History
My definition of rage is “anger with a history.” Rage is an emotion
beyond anger. Anger relates to something happening in the present
and reflects “now” feelings. By contrast, rage arises from
overwhelming, often unbearable feelings from the past. It often
arises from perceived mistreatment at the hands of others. Perceived injustices.
Ever since I read Cho's plays I've been unable to get the obvious
pain of the killer out of my mind.
The Virginia Tech killings were horrific. The plays were also
horrific. Quite a few commentators have talked about the bloody
descriptions and anger contained in the works.
Yet, I saw something else as well. As I was reading the vivid
descriptions about wanting to kill people, I realized that rage
was not the only theme in these plays. Both describe a young
person being sexually violated by older men, one a teacher.
And not surprising, former high school classmates describe how
Cho was mocked and laughed at for his shyness and the way he
talked.
Yes, "its not easy being green."
There is a high price paid in the school yard for being different.
Being green seems to be an invitation for rejection and the
emotional pain that goes along with it.
Seems to me, we could try to be just a little more respectful to
each other.
© 2007 Elayne Savage, PhD
On a personal note: I'm off to Denver today to present a program on
Rejecting Rejection: Don't Take It Personally! for the Colorado
National Speakers Association.
'Til next time,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
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Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
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6. Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708
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