TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®
June, 2007
IN THIS ISSUE
1. I've Never Felt So Mortified!"
2. Shame and Humiliation Take Over in a Flash
3. Remind Yourself: "It's Embarrassment and Not Shame"
4. Tips for Handling Humiliation and Shame
5. Getting Your Energy Flowing Again
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information
1. "I'VE NEVER FELT SO MORTIFIED!"
By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.
For some of us, getting embarrassed can be, well, so embarrassing.
Blushing. Flushing. Stammering. Feeling disconcerted and a bit
ridiculous.
Some of us, however, skip over embarrassment and go straight to
mortification, and humiliation And yes, even to that agonizing
place of shame.
Maybe you blurted something out without thinking. Or you gave the
wrong answer at a meeting or a class. Or maybe you neglected to
ask about something important. Or you weren't thinking clearly
and made a mistake placing an order.
Several years ago, I got confused at the counter when I was placing
an order for coffee beans. I asked for many pounds of my own special
blend of beans than I wanted. When I realized my mistake, I not only
turned red, but I “flooded.” Panic washed over me. I couldn’t think
straight. I was a “bad” little girl again and someone was going to
judge me. The coffee people were gracious, and didn’t ask me to pay
for my mistake. But I paid for it in other ways — my “badness”
intruded on my thoughts for a few days, until I regained control.
2. SHAME AND HUMILIATION TAKE OVER IN A FLASH
Shame and humiliation are overwhelming feelings for many of us. They
can take over in a flash. Shame's claim to fame is feeling exposed as deficient. We feel painfully diminished.
It's this feeling of exposure that causes intense feelings for most
of us.
Public exposure can be in front of anyone, including friends or
family. Even in front of children.
Usually this feeling of being exposed is not an isolated incident.
It usually dates back to something a teacher said to embarrass
us in front of the class. Or an aunt or uncle teasing us at the
Thanksgiving dinner table. Or running ahead of the group at the
amusement park and getting chastised by a parent.
If embarrassment would just know it's job and stick to it,
everything would be OK. Maybe a little blushing. Or feeling
uncomfortable. Or self-conscious. Or awkward. That would be a
bit easier to handle.
The intrusion of shame into this scenario carries more of an
emotional charge than feeling embarrassed. Yet, shame may not
be necessary to deal with the situation that just occurred.
3. REMIND YOURSELF: "IT'S EMBARRASSMENT AND NOT SHAME"
Try thinking of a situation as embarrassing rather than shameful
or humiliating. Often a feeling of embarrassment is all that’s
warranted. The situation doesn’t call for any more than that. Try
repeating to yourself, “I’m only feeling embarrassed.”
In the same vein, if you make a mistake you don’t have to tell
yourself you’re a failure. Okay, so you screwed up—maybe you
misspoke or made a misstep, a miscalculation, an omission, an
oversight. But this doesn’t mean you’re a freak or a failure.
These are self-rejecting responses.
4. TIPS FOR HANDLING HUMILIATION AND SHAME
Here are some ways you can handle your embarrassment when it moves
into humiliation or shame. Especially when you find yourself
emotionally 'flooding.'
You can learn to create distance when you find yourself in
overwhelming situations. By finding a way to avoid the flood of
emotions that may be swirling around you, you can begin to think
more clearly.
1) The easiest approach is counting to ten slowly. It really works
to pull yourself out of the situation and give yourself just enough
distance to regain your balance.
2) Another approach is to say to yourself, “I’m only feeling
embarrassment here, not shame. Just because I’m embarrassed
doesn’t meant I’m ashamed.” Shame and embarrassment are not
the same feeling. Learn to recognize the difference and try to
keep them separate.
3) As soon as I feel any kind of embarrassment coming on I
use this approach. I laugh at myself before anyone else can.
I’ve developed a kind of giggle that pops out whenever I
start to feel embarrassed. It puts me back in control of
the situation and sidesteps potentially embarrassing moments
from moving into the realm of shame.
As I practiced, I discovered I wasn’t really laughing at myself.
It was more like I was laughing with myself. Once I began to
lighten up everything changed—I found I wasn’t taking things
so personally.
4) A fourth technique is to say to yourself, “I don’t have to
deal with this input now. I’ll put it on ‘tape delay’ and play
it back later. A variation would be to jot down the other person’s
words if pen and paper are handy and tell yourself you’ll deal
with them later.
5) Another way to protect yourself from emotional overload is to
visualize a plastic bubble around yourself where nothing can hurt
you. You have the ability to install or remove the bubble at will.
Nobody can get to you while the bubble is in place. And nobody
knows it is there but you. Imagining a plastic shield in front
of you works too.
6) You might experiment with using imagery to sort out those
jumbled feelings. It helps me to see my feelings as tangled
up gold chains. I once read a household hint that suggests
putting knotted chains on waxed paper, adding a few drops of
mineral oil, and gently moving them around with two straight
pins until they untangle.
This not only works for chains, it works for feelings as well.
It has been a useful image for me to keep handy.
Try visualizing this image the next time you feel all
tangled up.
5. GETTING YOUR ENERGY FLOWING AGAIN
The key is to find ways to untangle and get out of that
state of paralysis. The key is to get your energy flowing
again.
A woman I know who is trained in massage knows about unblocking
energy and moving it around. She taught me how she gets her
energy flowing again.
Whenever she wants to move from a negative place into a positive
place, she visualizes a honeycomb. The energy takes the form of
warm, thick, sweet, amber-colored liquid, constantly moving
through the interconnected tunnels. As the energy flows, a
wondrous transformation takes place. She notices how the
negative messages of childhood take on new qualities as
they flow from space to space.
As the energy changes from life-depleting to life-sustaining,
it provides sustenance, allowing room for her needs and wants,
and encouraging clear boundaries.
Then the energy develops new vitality, permitting choices and
enhancing good communication. And it keeps on moving and flowing.
© 2007 Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
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Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
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http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.
6. Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708
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