TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®
January, 2008
Welcome to the 15th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM)
IN THIS ISSUE
1. A Thank-you Note from Hillary Clinton
2. Sticks and Stones . . .
3. How We Take Things Personally - Let Me Count the Ways
4. If You Win, Do I Lose?
5. So What Can You Do About It?
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information
1. A THANK-YOU NOTE FROM HILLARY CLINTON
I have a note from Hillary Clinton, thanking me for my first book,
DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! The book was passed along to
her by Tipper Gore. The note, dated August 12, 1999, is written on
creamy stationary; the signature is bold and blue. The letterhead
says simply, The White House, Washington, D.C.
I sure hope Hillary has a chance to re-read this book. It will
come in mighty handy during this campaign.
During the New Hampshire TV debate Charlie Gibson's colleague,
Scott Spradling, asked Senator Clinton, "What can you say to the
voters of New Hampshire on this stage tonight who see your resume
and like it but are hesitating on the likeability issue, where they
seem to like Barack Obama more?"
After a beat, Hillary acknowledged, "Well, that hurts my feelings."
And for a moment, it seemed her guard came down. For a moment
it seemed she was like the rest of us. We all have feelings that
sometimes get hurt.
Well, how about that? Hillary Clinton's feelings can get hurt. Like
yours or mine.
I can identify. My feelings get hurt all the time.
And I bet some of you have been there too.
2. STICKS AND STONES . . .
The press is using some powerful words to to describe the current
political sparring. It's as if these words have jumped right off of
the pages of my books, articles, and seminar notes:
- Slighting
- Dismissing
- Discounting
- Discrediting
- Insulting
- Mocking
- Hurting
- Offending
- Affronting
- Judging
- Faulting
- Sniping
- Accusing
- Attacking
- Slamming
- Criticizing
- Smearing
- Bullying
- Humiliating
These are, or course, all facets of rejection. Do the images they
conjure up make you wince as much as they do me?
Some folks say Senator Clinton's surprising win in N.H. vote was
because she was close to tears the following day. I'm not so sure it
was just that. I have my own theory about why votes swung to her.
I think her admission about hurt feelings touched many people.
Haven't most of us have experienced similar feelings?
Especially when we are confronted, embarrassed, or mortified in
public.
This e-letter is not meant to be a political statement. However, I
don't believe I've ever experienced political campaigning where
there have been so many personal attacks. The ante gets upped and
and the bitterness grows each day.
It would be difficult not to take things personally in this
campaign. One personal affront after another is hurled through
space. Not exactly Ready. Aim. Fire. More like Ready. Fire. Aim.
3. HOW WE TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY - LET ME COUNT THE WAYS
Let's look at some of the ways we take things personally:
- Taking offense at and overreacting to perceived slights
- Tending to believe there is intent even if there is not.
- Taking things the wrong way, or taking things the right way but
your feelings get easily hurt.
- Believing folks are taking sides -- for you or against
you.
- Getting upset when other people don't see things the way you do.
- Feeling unfairly criticized, blamed or disrespected
- Feeling slighted or wronged or even attacked.
- Developing hurt feelings and misunderstandings
Taking things personally can lead to misunderstandings and hurt
feelings, disappointments, and breakdowns in communication. It's
been known to lead to termination of jobs, friendships, and
romances.
When we feel attacked, we mobilize to defend . . . and the battle
lines are drawn.
Sound familiar?
4. IF YOU WIN, DO I LOSE?
It's very easy in the arena of politics to draw battle lines.
Discussing politics with friends or family is all too often a
set-up for rejection and taking things personally.
These "discussions" soon turn into arguments. Issues become
"right" or "wrong." People become polarized, "I'm right, you're wrong," or
"If you're right, that might make me wrong -- and I can't stand to be
wrong."
This polarization is not only playing out in the family arena. Now
it has expanded to the national arena. Candidate pitted against
candidate. Voter against voter.
5. SO WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?
First of all, learn to identify when you're taking something
personally and determine if rejection is the issue. When you know
what it is you' re feeling, you can do something about changing it.
You might start with asking yourself a few questions to gain some
distance from the "charge."
- Am I taking this personally? How?
- Is there any cause for me to feel threatened?
- Am I feeling rejected in some way?
Then practice "dis-identifying," taking a step back, staying
objective and detached. Not easy to do, of course. However
do-able with practice.
Using a little light humor helps a lot. After all, isn't that
exactly what Hillary Clinton did after she acknowledged how she
felt about the "likeability" issue?
© Elayne Savage, Ph.D.
Wishing you a wonderful New Year.
Until next time,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
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Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
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http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.
6. Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information
PRIVACY POLICY: Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
