TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®
February, 2008
IN THIS ISSUE
1. On Valentines Day - Away from the Hype and More Toward the Heart
2. 'Wishing and hoping . . . and planning and dreaming'
3. Programmed to Expect Disappointment
4. Disappointment Feels a Lot Like Rejection
5. 7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentines Day
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information
1. ON VALENTINES DAY - AWAY FROM THE HYPE AND
MORE TOWARD THE HEART
Here comes Cupid. What are his arrows coated with this year?
Love and Feelings of Gratitude? Or yet another Valentine's Day
Disappointment?
The push toward spending and buying doesn't help, either.
I know I think this every year, however I'm positive that this
year candy and hearts were on display a month earlier than usual.
I think maybe 5 days after Christmas.
I decided to take fabulous care of myself this Valentines Day.
I bought myself a wonderful card. A nice mix of charming, funny
and sentimental. I actually put a postage stamp on it and mailed it
to myself.
I'm also shopping for just the right gift, too.
I want to start a new Valentines Day movement - away from the hype
and more toward the heart.
2. ''WISHING AND HOPING . . . AND PLANNING AND DREAMING'
I wish I'd known how to take better care of myself in grade school
on Valentines Day. Instead, I spent way too much time wishing and
hoping to receive valentines. Like the popular kids did.
I do think the agony of those early years left a residue of yuck
about Valentines Day for me. Probably forever.
I still remember those miserable years when I felt so left out of
the Valentines Day 'scene'. I used to fantasize about being one of
ones who got the most valentines. Truth be told, I hardly got any.
I just hated it when the most popular girls would go around asking
everyone, "How many did YOU get?" And proceed to brag about their
abundance of love notes.
Did I feel rejected? I sure did.
Then of course, the critical self-rejecting messages took over.
Who was I to even think that cutie one row over and two rows back
would be EVER be interested in me. What a disappointment.
3. PROGRAMMED TO EXPECT DISAPPOINTMENT
I guess there are lots of folks out there with some of the same
miserable childhood Valentines Day experiences. I hear similar
stories all the time from friends, colleagues and clients. About
how they seem to be programmed to EXPECT disappointment.
Especially on Valentines Day.
And we often set ourselves up for disappointment:
By telling yourself 'if you really love me, you'll read your mind.'
Does your sweetie fail the test - unable to guess what you're
longing for?
By dropping hints like crazy. Crossing your fingers and hoping your
sweetie will read your mind.
By craving your honey will surprise you with reservations for that
new trendy restaurant that you've been dying to go to. Not a word.
By having your heart set on a special Valentine gift. That new
book you've been wanting or something from your favorite shop.
Nope. Doesn't happen.
By expecting a special card with tender sentiment. And it says
only: 'Happy Valentines Day.' Does your face fall?
Oh, and there's that Valentines Day frenzy at work. All day you
watch co-workers receive gorgeous flowers or those too-cute teddy
bears. You just know you'll be the next recipient. But there's no
delivery for you. How embarrassing. And you really had your hopes
up. Another disillusionment.
4. DISAPPOINTMENT FEELS A LOT LIKE REJECTION
Are you disappointed yet again? Are you feeling hurt and rejected?
Do you take it personally? Yep.
So what to do about it? Clearly subtle hints are not working.
Obvious hints are not working so well either.
Saying clearly what you yearn for will get results. Most folks
appreciate being educated to what their partner wants. Then they
don't have to guess.
Try out something like this: 'Here's what I'd like most on
Valentines Day. I'd like a card, some flowers and going out to
dinner with you at our special restaurant.'
You CAN make this Valentines Day a success by avoiding
disappointments and hurt feelings.
Here are my classic getting-through-Valentines-Day success tips:
5. 7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentines Day
If you are part of a couple:
1. Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetheart will
readyour mind. Be direct, communicating clearly what you yearn for.
2. Keep your Valentines expectations realistic and do-able.
Otherwise, it's a set-up for disappointment.
3. Don't let the fear of buying the wrong present ruin the
occasion. Some folks even avoid celebrating Valentines Day for
fear of buying the wrong card or gift.
4. Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families
with different styles of gift giving. Can you respect your
partner's 'ways?'
5. Don't mistake 'not thinking' for 'not caring.' Your partner's
way of approaching this day may be different from yours. Try not
to feel slighted if it's 'not the way you'd do it.' This goes for
gift-giving as well.
6. Don't try too hard to be 'creative' in YOUR gift giving. Just
be you expressing your appreciation of your partner. On the other
hand, a little planning is a great idea so Valentines Day doesn't
seem like an 'afterthought.'
7. AND don't take it personally. Dwelling on it takes up way too
much energy and relationship space. Make room instead for
connection and intimacy.
If you are unattached:
1. Spend the day loving YOU. You are worth it!
2. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to YOUR favorite
flowers.
3. Treat yourself to that little gift you've been hankering for.
4. Take yourself to lunch or dinner.
5. Allow appreciation for the people you are lucky enough to love
in your little corner of the world.
6. Allow gratitude for the people who care about you.
7. Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in
giving and receiving love, perhaps spreading your light in a
wider arc than just your little corner of the world.
This year I followed some of my own advice from this list. I took
really good care of myself.
And it felt great!
. . . . And on a personal note:
I'm grateful for Burt being in my life the last 4 years and 4
months. (He could tell you exactly how many days, but I've never
been very good at math.) Burt has taught me to expect to be loved.
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY
Until next time,
Elayne
© 2008 Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.
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6. Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
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Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708
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