TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®
July, 2008
IN THIS ISSUE
1. Workplace Nightmares Revisited
2. A Sick Sense of Humor
3. The Saga of the Bell-Shaped Curve
4. Are Performance Evaluations a Set-Up for Rejection?
5. The Nightmare Comes True – Up Close and Personal
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information
Workplace Nightmares Revisited
By Elayne Savage, PhD
I really dreaded attending the memorial service for my friend
Bill last month. My workplace experiences with Bill leave fond
and rich memories. And I expected there'd be folks at the service
I'd be glad to see.
Yet, the amount of anxiety I felt was huge.
I envisioned being stuck in the same room with people I did not
want to see. People who elicit very unpleasant memories from my
days (years!) in Child Welfare in the City and County of San
Francisco. I didn't know who I would run into. I just hoped I
wouldn't feel the need to run out of there.
During my many years at that agency I felt unappreciated and
disrespected. And at times, even used and abused.
No wonder I was feeling anxious about seeing the old gang.
Would I run into someone who used to make my life miserable?
What if I'm sitting behind someone who tried to get me fired?
What would I do if I found myself face-to-face with that
supervisor who orchestrated that memo announcing my immediate
transfer?
A Sick Sense of Humor
One morning when I was away from the office and with a client, I
got a call from my coworkers informing me I was to be immediately
transferred to another job assignment. The memo, signed
by the Program Director, had arrived on my desk that morning.
Two of my coworkers arranged to meet me for lunch. We tried to
reassure and console each other.
Finally, after a day of agonizing about what this transfer would
mean for me, for my clients and for my coworkers, we found out
the truth.
At 4 pm the supervisor in an adjoining unit, 'fessed up. "It was
just a little April Fool's joke," he said.
The word in the 'hood' was that he was trying to teach me a lesson.
I had recently disagreed with him about an idea he offered at a
voluntary lunchtime ad hoc meeting. So folks thought he was
retaliating by writing that transfer memo.
He forged the signature of the Program Director.
It's interesting to note that no one even questioned that the
Program Director might send such a capricious memo. That's the
kind of dysfunctional place we were working in.
As you can tell, these many years later, I'm still upset about his
little joke.
Did I take it personally? Well yes and no.
Coworkers were pretty sure the joke was personal because of the
retaliatory aspects.
I did, however, realize his actions were more about him and his
insecurities, then about me.
I was hurt mostly by the mean-spiritedness of it all. And upset by
getting thrown off balance by the unexpectedness of the
'assignment change.'
Old hurts can stick around a long time.
And thanks for asking. Mr. Ghosh wasn't at the memorial service so
I didn't have to run into him.
The Saga of the Bell-Shaped Curve
Another concern I had before Bill's memorial service:
What if ran into one of the supervisors who felt they had to
evaluate me as a mediocre social worker because the agency
evaluated employee performance on a bell-shaped curve?
I was many things, but I was sure I was not a mediocre
Child Welfare Worker.
As you may know, with the bell-shaped curve, any ratings out of
the middle range required written justification. That means an
outstanding rating or a poor rating means more work for the
supervisor.
Quite frankly some of the supervisors were too lazy
to write anything extra. Lucky for anyone who was a defective
employee. But this practice also meant our hard work in Child
Welfare jobs would go unrecognized. Our strengths were not
acknowledged. We were not validated for the difficult and
thankless jobs we performed. In fact, by using the bell-shaped
curve our strengths were dismissed. It feels a lot like
rejection!
It's hard not to take something personally when people distort the
truth to benefit themselves. Even if it's not intended, it
feels like rejection.
It's hard not to take something personally when you are
disappointed by the actions of people you look to for support.
Even if it's not intended, It feels like rejection.
I don't take kindly to rejection. I got pretty angry on that
Bell-Shaped Curve day. If I remember correctly, I grabbed a box
of paper clips and threw them at the nearest wall. It made a big
mess.
You can bet a complaint about THAT action went into my personnel
folder that very day!
Are Performance Evaluations a Set-Up for Rejection?
Let's look a bit more at performance evaluations and how easy it
is to take them personally.
For some of us, Just having a performance review can be
nerve-wracking. Doesn't it just conjure up ALL the times from
childhood where some authority figure found you lacking in some
way. Or you feared they might.
For some of us, this is especially true of our experiences in
school.
So here you are face to face with your manager who is about to
give you a performance review. And all those old fears begin to
come up.
Truth be told, it's hard to sit there and listen to anything the
least bit critical without emotionally flooding. It's difficult to
stay grounded.
It's hard for most of us to ask intelligent questions to clear
up any confusion.
It's hard to sit calmly and check out what you think you heard
the other person say.
Instead, many of us go immediately to that old negative self-talk
place. It translates to some variation of, "What's wrong with me?"
-You may begin to doubt yourself and mistrust your judgment. This
is especially true when your superior's perception of your
performance differs hugely from your own.
-You may feel 'dissed' or demeaned
-You may get angry or hurt or both.
-You may feel blind-sided and betrayed by a manager you trusted.
-You may even tell yourself "they are out to get you."
What if I ran into the supervisor who wrote an evaluation
criticizing me for working during some lunchtimes? He was the
same one who complained on my evaluation that I was too tenacious
in doing my job. He actually tried to get me fired for that.
Bullying. Harassment. Hard not to take it personally.
Hmmmmmmm. It was pretty crazy-making to be criticized in writing
for the very same traits I consider my strengths. I would say
that tenacity and perseverance have been saving graces in my
successful endeavors. Especially publishing two books and dozens
of articles.
And what an energy drain it was to have to take the time to
counter such an evaluation.
Energy that would have been better spent concentrating on my
clients. Or myself. Or my family.
That's the thing about taking something personally and feeling
hurt and angry. It robs both work and personal relationships of
productivity and effectiveness. That's the point I make in my
speaking and training programs.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/programs.htm
The Nightmare Comes True – Up Close and Personal
As I stepped through the door of the Columbarium in San Francisco,
the first person I encountered was signing the guest book just
ahead of me.
Would you believe he was one of the people I dreaded seeing. A
perfectly nice man who was caught in the uncomfortable position of
being pushed by upper management to give me a hard time.
So what did I do? I walked up to him, introduced myself, offered
my hand and greeted him warmly. Once I navigated that encounter,
the rest of the day went pretty well.
I reconnected with folks I used to see but lost contact with. And I
connected with a few I really liked and appreciated but hadn't seen
in 25 years. And it looks like we're going to stay in touch. I'm grateful for
the opportunity. Thanks, Bill, for that.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
I included here a few stories about my difficult experiences
in the workplace. What about yours? Do you have stories you'd
like to share. I'd like to hear them.
'Til next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
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Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
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http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions
for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705
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Elayne Savage
