TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®
Elayne Savage, PhD
May, 2009
IN THIS ISSUE
1. What a Corrective Emotional Experience That Was!
2. Dreaming of Redeeming
3. The Birthday Party Surprise
4. The Poem I Didn't Write
5. Humiliated for the Rest of My Life
6. Oh No. Not Another Mess Up
7. Making Room for Good Stuff
8. Contacting Elayne
9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information
What a Corrective Emotional Experience That Was!
By Elayne Savage, PhD
Corrective Emotional Experience . . . I've always loved the sound of these words. Ever since I learned the phrase in Psychology 101 decades ago. It sort of rolls off the tongue.
I find Franz Alexander's concept of a Corrective Emotional Experience intriguing. We have opportunities to have positive emotional experiences in the present that balance out negative ones
from our past.
Consider the possibilities. Re-balancing. Re-experiencing. Re-considering. And re-establishing yourself as an important person on this planet.
What an opportunity to re-claim that part of your soul that may have been damaged long ago by people or circumstances. When a teacher or family member or peer says or doe something hurtful it's hart not to take it to heart. These experiences linger and get replayed in our personal and professional relationships.
All too often we come to expect people in our present to treat us the way we experienced being treated in the past. This expectation is so great in fact, many of us filter out positive and validating responses from people. We zero in on the negative. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Then, along comes a chance event providing the opportunity to have a different experience. The trick is to recognize it.
Something changes for us.
In the way we see ourselves. In the responses we expect from people around us. In the quality of our connection to others.
Yes, something changes.
For example, past experiences may have left you feeling rejected - hurt, dismissed, disrespected. A similar experience in the present often triggers an old response. And we glide to that dark place too quickly and easily.
Yet, something could be different this time. For whatever reason, you find yourself less entangled. Less prone to get triggered so quickly. More able to act like a grownup.
You discover you are not so upset by the circumstances. You can maintain enough distance from it to observe and notice, rather than be reactive. You can create enough space to take in some new experience of yourself. You may feel accepted - validated, appreciated and well regarded.
Dreaming of Redeeming Myself
I just had an experience like this. It was a corrective emotional experience. And it was transformational.
It involves The Washington Post.
You see, I have a painful history with The Washington Post. When I was six years old and living in DC, I had a devastating experience connected to the paper.
And being such an overly sensitive child, for years this experience colored my sensitivity to what other people think of me.
I recently had the chance to add a new chapter to my history with the Post. One that is washing away the bad feelings of the past.
The Birthday Party Surprise
When I turned six, my mother gave me a birthday party. It was weird having friends over to my house, sitting around our dining room table. Because it made my mom jittery to have anyone over, friends and relatives were rarely invited. Can you imagine how surreal the birthday party was?
But there's more. In the middle of the ice cream and cake, the phone rang. It was for me!
On the other end was a man from The Washington Post. "Congratulations little girl. Your poem just won our big contest for the new comic strip, “The Saint. Your prize is to read it on the radio."
What poem? What prize? I was confused. I didn't know what he was talking about. I didn't know anything about a contest. I didn’t write any poem.
But my mother knew all about it.
She wrote the poem the way a six year old might write it. She sent it to the newspaper with my name attached. She didn't tell me
The Poem I Didn't Write
How was I going to read that poem on the radio? I couldn't read very well. So she made me memorize it. Every night after dinner I stood in front of my mother, next to the kitchen table, practicing the poem. She'd say each line and I'd repeat after her. Again. And again.
I'll never forget the poem I didn't write:
"I like to read the Post each day
To see what The Saint has to say.
His deeds and actions thrill me most,
That’s why I like to read the Post."
She drilled those words into my head. Day after day.
Then there was the long streetcar ride to the radio station on the other side of town. As I said, my mom got nervous around people, especially in the outside world. Most especially on streetcars. She made me practice the poem the entire ride. Can you imagine how nerve-racking that ride was? For both of us!
When we arrived at the radio station, I was overwhelmed by all the gleaming microphones and glassed-in producer's booths. The booming voice of the show host made me nervous. I stood in front of the microphone, feeling like a fraud, pretending I wrote the poem. I was shaking.
Then it was time for me to say my poem.
I messed up. I forgot the words.
Humiliated for the Rest of My Life
My parents were embarrassed. No, that really doesn't describe it. They were mortified. All their friends and relatives had tuned in to this popular radio station to hear me read my poem. And their 'big star' daughter messed up. I let them down. Big time.
It was a humiliating experience. I have never forgotten the terrible rejection and judgment I felt from my family.
I've been interviewed by hundreds of media outlets over the last 15 years. Many of these have been large daily newspapers in this country and Britain. But never by the Washington Post.
As you might imagine my dream has been to be interviewed by The Washington Post. I wanted to redeem myself. To be able to flip the terrible embarrassment I experienced as a child.
Then it happened. I was asked by reporter Theola Labbé-DeBose to join her in co-hosting an online discussion for the Washington Post.
Oh No. Not Another Mess Up
It didn't go smoothly, I sort of messed up. I had never co-hosted a webinar before. I might have guessed that typing in answers to reader's questions could prove difficult. My disabilities got in the way.
I'm a little arthritic and mildly dyslexic. Enough to make typing difficult. I spend as much time correcting inverted letters as I do in the actual writing. (When you think about it, it's quite amazing I've written two books and hundreds of articles!)
I had another struggle during the webinar.
I had trouble moving back and forth between all the pages. There was the new questions list, the actual online discussion page, the backstage chat module between me, my co-host, and the producer. Whew.
And wouldn't you know it, my computer chose this time frame to run frustratingly slowly.
I was exceedingly slow in responding. Once my co-host even wrote to me, "Elayne are you there?'
I did something really well, however. I thought ahead. The night before I anticipated what some of the questions might be. I wrote out some answers, keeping them on my desktop. Then I could cut and past pieces of sentences here and there. They were already typed out, so that was that much less actual typing I had to do.
Making Room for the Positive
You know what? I didn't feel great about my slow responses on the webinar.
I didn't feel bad, though. I know I did my best.
- I was able to view the experience as an adventure. I saw it as a challenge and not a defeat.
- I reminded myself that I did indeed co-host a discussion on my hometown paper and that means the world to me.
- I managed to have some compassion and empathy for myself and the situation. I was able to see it with a wide enough lens that I didn't get all caught up in the me, me, me of it.
- I could walk along side myself and see that I have choices in how I respond each step of the way.
- I could take some deep breaths and keep breathing.
- I could make space for a new and different awareness. A different self-concept.
- I made a conscious decision where I wanted to put my energy. In the old negative or the new positive response to the situation.
- When I started to go to that old dark place, I changed direction. I could see the light.
The best part was when Theola supportively emailed me after the program. She reminded me, "Don't forgot to add 'Online discussion host'" to my media credits.
And I did! This was surely a corrective emotional experience for me: Validating, accepting, and non-judgmental. And it frees me up to let my light shine.
By the way, just as I was finishing writing these words, I received in the mail MJ Ryan's just released book, 'AdaptAbillity'– How to Survive Change You Didn't Ask For' (Broadway Books).
In this treasure trove of valuable nuggets about change Ryan writes, "Some of us do everything to avoid it. We doubt our capacity to live through it. Yet when it arrives on our doorstep, most of us are able to reach deep; into ourselves and find the inner strength to strap on a sturdy pair of shoes and walk toward the light."
This is a gem of a book. It is wonderfully soothing and hopeful in these troubled times. I hope you'll check it out:
http://www.TinyURL.com/q2jqha
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul
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Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
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Contacting Elayne
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Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230
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