Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

Penn State: Breaches of Trust, Betrayals and Looking the Other Way

by Elayne Savage, PhD

What an abuse of power! How could it take 15 years before authorities intervened and someone did something to stop the abuse and protect the children?

New stories keep emerging about Penn State and Jerry Sandusky. And now there are accusations about The Citadel and Syracuse University. What are the odds there’ll be more?

You are probably familiar with the Grand Jury indictment details. If you want an excellent timeline, here's a link.

 http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/college/penn-state-scandal-timeline-sex-abuse-scandal-rocked-happy-valley-article-1.976843#ixzz1ddbvOb6N

Trying to make sense of it all, I began to write down my feelings. Like so many of you, I too have been touched by this story and found it stirred up childhood experiences. I'd like to share some of my thoughts with you. Perhaps my reflections will help you sort through your own reactions.

The most disturbing aspect of all this is the grownups' failure to protect the children.

 Wearing Blinders and Failing to Protect

Some of my visceral reactions are personal. But you might have guessed that. Childhood memories come flooding back – of all the times I felt unsupported, unprotected and betrayed by adults who should have been acting like adults, but didn't. Or couldn't. Or wouldn't.

Part of my response is professional. My coaching and psychotherapy clients want to talk about feeling abandoned by grownups who should have protected them. They describe the loneliness of dealing with the humiliation of abuse. How they were afraid to tell anyone. The distress that comes with keeping secrets.

Writing this has been quite a process for me. Usually I send out these e-letter/blogs after one or two drafts. This one has taken much reflection and many drafts.

Many of you know I'm a psychotherapist and workplace coach specializing in how not to take rejection and disappointment so personally. Do you also know my ideas on rejection came out of many years in Child Protective Services in San Francisco?

In over 25 years in private practice I've worked with hundreds of men and women who were abused as children. I've taught child abuse reporting to mental health professionals. And I was on a task force that defined psychological maltreatment for mental health professionals worldwide.

I thought I'd heard every story imaginable, on every aspect of abuse. I was wrong.

I was astounded to read how, for so many years, Penn State officials did absolutely nothing to protect children from Jerry Sandusky. No one stepped in to stop the abuse. No one made the phone call that would have ended it. Didn't anyone care?

Much of the heartbreak for abuse victims comes from knowing that others did nothing to protect them.

Family members, teachers, clergy, and other responsible adults often appear to be wearing blinders, obscuring their vision, perception and ability to do the right thing.

I'd heard many stories about parental inaction – not protecting children from various kinds of abusive behavior.

Clients relate how their parents would look the other way when they told them about being bullied or abused by schoolmates. Instead of comforting and protecting them, their parents would say, "You need to toughen up." Now, as adults they continue to be wary of others; not daring to ask for help when they need it.

Here's how one woman describes not being protected when her teenage brother abused her. It started at age ten.

"He molested me in his bedroom, which was actually an alcove off the main hallway. There was no door. Mother, going about her chores, would walk back and forth along the hallway. Now she insists, 'I didn't see a thing.'"

Maybe she was ‘looking the other way.’

I asked my client to find out if her mother might have been molested as a child. And indeed she was. Maybe she "didn't see a thing" because it might have stirred up her own painful childhood memories.

My client, now in her mid- forties, feels betrayed by her mother for not stopping the abuse. Like so many other survivors of abuse and neglect, this failure to protect affects her ability to trust. It permeates all of her relationships.

Looking the Other Way

The Penn State powers-that-be seemed to be ‘looking the other way' as well.

For a decade and a half University officials abandoned the children by ignoring, dismissing and rationalizing known actions of Jerry Sandusky.

The message was clear: the reputation of the school was more important than the welfare of the children.

Then-graduate assistant Mike McQueary reported witnessing the rape of a 10 year old in the showers by Sandusky in 2002. Unfortunately his information was reduced to "horsing around in the shower." No report was made to police or the child protection agency as required by law.

Nothing was done at the time to prevent Jerry Sandusky from molesting again.

What prevented PSU officials from acting like responsible adults?
How many other boys have been abused since those first reports?
What toll has it taken on the abused children and their families?

Hero-worship Runs Interference

 Why did Penn State officials do nothing for 15 years? John Baer, PSU alum and Political Columnist for the Philadelphia Daily News captures the political situation at the school:

"The zealous loyalty of its grads and the power of its deity, football . . . . the pull of Penn State football, to a large portion of the state, is nothing short of magnetic."

Baer asks: "Is it an extreme example of an institutional attitude? Evidence of an unspoken doctrine? 'We don't play by the same rules as other, lesser schools.'"

"Charges of a cover up . . . suggest a conspiracy of secrecy, one designed with a single goal: to protect the house that Joe (Paterno) built." 

Baer goes on to say, "the school grew a reputation for self-protection, arrogance and self-righteous superiority. The real world was elsewhere. This was a world unto itself: a better world." 

Was it this attitude of superiority and untouchable-ness that led to covering up these atrocities for so long?

Were they looking the other way?
Were they aiding and abetting?
Were they accessories after the fact?
Did they obstruct justice?

Rationalizations and confused thinking do not excuse actions like these.

How could they so easily sacrifice those young boys, simply to protect their sports program? What kind of reasoning did they give themselves that allowed them to choose not to protect children from further abuse by a sexual predator? 

How could their priorities get so screwed up?

From the Grand Jury report and indictment, we know of the existence of eight victims over this 15-year period. What will the final total be?

What if grownups had stepped in and stopped Sandusky's behavior in 1998, when incidents of sexual abuse were first reported? University President Graham Spanier is a sociologist and family therapist. What was he thinking?

The Long Tentacles of Abuse

Fear and anxiety are constant companions of abused children. For them, it is not a matter of IF the abuse will come, but WHEN it will it come again.

Abused children hold their breath, waiting for the next time, trying to steel themselves against the physical and emotional pain. This fear and anxiety travel with them into adulthood. The effects of abuse are often devastating.

 The American Heart Association presented a recent study linking childhood abuse of women to increased risk of adult heart attacks and strokes. In 2008, the Center for Disease Control found 772,000 children were victims of maltreatment – including neglect and physical, sexual and emotional abuse – but many more cases go unreported.

http://www.ama-assn.org/amednews/2011/11/21/hlsb1122.htm

Whether it is physical, sexual, emotional abuse or neglect, the messages we take in about the safety of our world and the people in it leave a lasting imprin

Trusting becomes a lifelong struggle.

More than personal relationships become damaged. Workplace problems develop as well. 'Personality Conflicts' are really about distrust, perceived rejection and taking things personally.

Rejection is the Underlying Theme of Childhood Abuse

Rejection is the underlying message running throughout all forms of childhood abuse and neglect.

Whenever sexual or physical abuse occurs, you'll find a psychological message present - of disrespect, degradation and humiliation.

At what point does the world cease to be a safe place?
How long, before self-rejecting messages start to take hold?
When does self-esteem begin to suffer?

The child receives the message he or she is worthless or flawed – valuable only for meeting someone else’s needs.

What a betrayal of trust when an authority figure takes advantage of a vulnerable child! And it is especially difficult for the child to refuse inappropriate advances when that person is a revered mentor, teacher or coach.

As one of Jerry Sandusky's victim's observed, "You just can't tell Jerry ‘No,"

A Glimmer of Hope

I'm writing this because I had to. And with the hope that I might raise awareness about the long-term effects of childhood abuse and neglect.

I especially hope this helps 'give permission' to speak out about being abused, harassed or bullied. The spotlight on the Penn State story hopefully will allow children and adults to talk to someone they can trust – even years after the incidents took place. This could be a parent, teacher, clergyperson or counselor.

When closely held secrets are finally told, healing can follow.

Here's where you can help out. If you find yourself feeling uneasy about the safety of a child and feel that child needs protecting, you can call 800-4-ACHILD.

Make the call and describe what you suspect is happening. You don't have to have 'proof' of abuse or neglect. That's up to investigators to determine. You can make the call anonymously if necessary, but please make it. 

What do you think? Would you like to have a dialogue about any of the issues raised here? I welcome your comments, your concerns and your stories. You can post under 'comments' on the blog: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com or email me at elayne@QueenofRejection.com 

If you want more information on rejection, abuse and neglect, 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' explores these issues in depth.

http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

 Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Outraged, Enraged, Air Raged

by Elayne Savage, PhD

I sure can relate to the Jet Blue flight attendant who 'had it' 
with abusive passengers and exited with dramatic style.

Did it strike a chord with you, too? Have you ever had
fantasies about saying "You can take this job and shove it.
I'm outta here?"

And for some folks, he became an instant hero. I'd love to
hear your thoughts and experiences about this saga.

You know the story: Flight attendant Steven Slater was
reportedly involved in an altercation with a passenger. She
apparently cussed him out with a couple of F word expletives.

Slater, a 20 year veteran of dealing with disruptive passengers,
snapped.

Reports say he announced on the intercom: "Those of you who
have shown dignity and respect these last 20 years, thanks for a
great ride." Then he grabbed a beer from the galley, deployed the
plane's inflatable emergency chute, and along with his luggage,
slid to the tarmac. And what a dramatic exit it was!

Later he was arrested and charged with "criminal mischief,
reckless endangerment, and criminal trespass."

Wow. So many rejection and taking things personally aspects
of this story - where to begin? Let's concentrate on two:
Overreactions in the Workplace and The Psychology of Air Rage.

Over-the-top Overreactions in the Workplace
Over-the-top comments, looks, tones of voice or dismissive acts
feel like rejection and  we take them personally. It can be
devastating when we overreact in public work situations.
In spite of our good intentions and all of our customer service
and anger management training, sometimes someone crosses
the line. Something gets triggered and we have a meltdown.

It has happened to me . . .

When I was  working in San Francisco Child Protective Services,
performance was evaluated on a bell-shaped curve. Ratings out of
the middle range required written justification meaning more work
for the supervisor. Many were not willing to put in the extra
effort. Often our strengths were not acknowledged. We were not
validated for performing difficult and often dangerous work.

The job evaluation procedure was dismissive and rejecting.

It's hard not to take something personally when you are
disappointed by the actions of people you look to for support.
Even if it's not intended, it feels like rejection.

I got very angry that Evaluation Day. I left my supervisor's
office, grabbed a large box of paper clips from the supply shelf,
and threw them at the nearest wall. It was exhilarating, and it 
made a big mess.

I sure was enraged.

Rage is Anger with a History
Rage is beyond the experience of anger. Where anger reflects
something happening in the present, rage reflects overwhelming
feelings from the past.

I see rage is ‘anger with a history.’

Rage is usually connected with our early life experiences. An
event may be distressing in the present, but it can set off an
out-of-control reaction when it reminds us of painful or traumatic
experiences.

Let's look at these spring-loaded actions as metaphors for early
injustices: feeling “cut off,” “squeezed out,” “kept waiting,”
“pushed around,” “bumped,” “edged out” or “trapped.”

When a similar experience is recreated in the present, we find
ourselves re-experiencing old feelings and becoming enraged.

Outraged, Enraged and Air Raged
Air rage boils down to someone taking something personally.

Like road rage, air rage is an out of control reaction to feeling
wronged, slighted, or intruded upon. When someone invades
our personal space, we feel  disrespected.  We take it personally.

We become outraged and enraged. 

Feeling “dissed” takes a multitude of forms. Certainly it means
feeling disrespected. However, there are dozens of “diss”
words which translate into perceived rejection.

Consider the complex emotions arising from feeling disrespected,
dismissed, or disregarded What about disposable, dishonored, or
disenfranchised?

Cut Off, Squeezed Out, Kept Waiting, Pushed Around, Bumped,
Edged Out, Feeling Trapped.
By recognizing these metaphors we can better understand the
phenomenon of air age.

Kept waiting through countless lines and delays. Bumped in line by
another passenger. Jostled as you board  the plane. Pushed around
by airline personnel."Ignored' by a flight attendant who forgets to
take your order. Trapped on a crowded plane - especially when
another passenger is taking up too much physical or emotional space.

Did you ever feel pushed or bumped or ignored or trapped when you
were a kid? How did you handle it? Did you get angry? Did you lose
control?

These experiences can be unsettling. Emotions flood. You can’t sort
out your feelings. Before you know it, you’re behaving badly. You
usually see yourself as kind and considerate.  How can you be
behaving so outrageously now? How can this be happening?

The exchange of behavior between the passenger and the flight
attendant on this Jet Blue flight was reportedly laden with
reciprocal incivility and disrespect.

Is this ignoble behavior a reflection of the outrageous times in
which we live?

There is certainly a lot of rage and fear and anxiety out there
these days. Even the “usually nice” ones among us find ourselves
behaving badly some of the time.

Feeling Trapped
Let's look at the  'feeling trapped' metaphor. It's easy to feel
that way cooped up in a plane. There's another element here as
well:  Some of us grew up feeling trapped. Especially if we had to
deal with confusing messages in our family. And we couldn't
comment or leave the scene.

I describe this trapped feeling in 'Don't Take It Personally! The
Art of Dealing with Rejection:'

"Children feel especially helpless and confused if they grow up in
a double-bind family where there are two conflicting messages
given(often one is verbal and one is covert). They are expected to
obey both messages . . . . They have no way to comment on the
confusion or to leave the scene (except perhaps by spacing out). It
seems they have no options; they feel bound up, trapped. It’s a
no-win,damned-if-you-do-and-damned-if-you-don’t situation . . . .
Struggling to make choices in no-win situations in childhood can
lead to overwhelming anxiety that may resurface in adulthood."

I wonder how many flight attendants feel trapped - discouraged from
commenting and generally unable to 'leave the scene.' How many
fantasize about making A Great Escape? Perhaps a parachute? Or the
escape chute?

It surely was Steven Slater's fantasy. I watched him say, "For 20
years I thought about it!"

Complicated by Fear and Anxiety
And of course fear and anxiety complicate matters. For passengers
it may be the fear of flying, scary turbulence, stress, worrying
about a personal situation or about missing a connection. Fight
attendants have many of the same concerns and emotions.

Here's how fear and anxiety relate to disruptive behavior:
When we are anxious about something and unable to put words to it,
it can overflow into disruptive behavior. The anxiety has to go
somewhere. If we can't talk it out we often act it out.

And when Steven Slater took something personally and overreacted,
he chose an unusual way to act out his feelings and his fantasy.
Leaving the scene by sliding down an inflatable escape chute.  

Here are some tips for how not to take things personally:
•  Remind yourself: it’s more about the other person than it is
about you.

•  Don't presume – check things out.

•  Put yourself in the other person's shoes. How might they be
feeling?

•  Remember: you DO have choices.- even though in the heat of the
incident, it sometimes feels like you don’t.

•  Even though you find yourself walking down that old path of
overreacting, notice what's happening. Remind yourself you can
always back up to the fork in the road and walk down a different
path. I call this 'walking alongside yourself.'

•  If you are being raged at don’t bite the bait, don’t engage. A
confrontation is only going to be a lose-lose situation for you.
And you might get hurt.

•  Put the incident in perspective by remembering the metaphor
theory. Remind yourself that old feelings could be recreated in
this incident.

•  Take a breather. Ten slow breaths can work wonders to reduce
stress.

•  Most importantly, don’t take it personally! Chances are the
other persons inconsiderate behavior or careless mistakes are not
really directed at you.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professionalspeaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consullting services visit:

http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Exploited! - Bamboozled By a Helium Balloon

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
October, 2009

 

Exploited! Bamboozled By a Helium Balloon

By Elayne Savage, PhD

The Balloon Boy story is old news now . . . and you're probably as over-saturated with hearing about the runaway mylar balloon as I am. Yet, I just can't get the story out of my head.

I guess I'm taking it personally. Personal memories started running rampant whenI learned how six year Falcon and his brother were exploited by the parents.

The recent court affidavit states the mother admits the whole saga was a hoax. They knew all along that Falcon was hiding in the residence. The parents instructed their three children to lie to authorities as well as the media.

Exploitation has lots of facets: taking advantage of, using, manipulating, misleading, profiting from, coercing.

Taken Advantage Of at Work

The Balloon Boy saga reminds me of the many disturbing stories I hear as a workplace coach:

- When bosses take advantage of employees

- Or employees take advantage of bosses

- How someone takes credit for a coworker's idea

- Someone pushes work onto another member of the team

- When a manager or co-worker asks someone to 'cover' or even to 'cover up' for them

- Feeling like a 'doormat' because of someone's attitude

- Finding yourself on the receiving end of inappropriate comments or actions

- And you know there's lots more . . .

The bigger your overreaction to these types of actions, the greater the chances you've experienced some form of manipulative, coercive or exploitive behavior in the past.

Taken for Granted By Family or Friends

There are times we feel used by family or friends as well.

You might feel taken for granted when:

- Someone asks for favors, but rarely offers to reciprocate.

- A friend contacts you when they want something. Asking how you are doing seems      like an afterthought.

- A relative borrows money but doesn't return it . . . and they don't return your messages either.

- Your friend is always 25 minutes late for a lunch date, and as the minutes tick by, you feel more and more unimportant. At least that's not quite as bad as your ex-friend who used to totally forget you had a date and not show up at all.

And again, most of us have much less patience for these behaviors when we have a history of experiencing them.

Resentment Builds, Trust Erodes and Future Relationships Suffer

It's hard not to take these things personally. Because they are so hurtful, they feel like injustices and rejections. And if these experiences repeat, resentment builds, trust erodes, and future relationships suffer.

So I've been figuring out why I got so upset by the Balloon Boy hoax. It brings up all the times I've felt taken advantage of. Often it was by people I trusted to protect me. Some of it started in childhood, but it impinges on present  personal and professional situations.

I, too, was glued to the TV mesmerized by the mylar balloon floating over Colorado. I watched as the story of the six year old boy unfolded. I watched as we learned he was not only told to lie low.He was also told to tell a lie.  As I watched him get tangled in the web of deception and exploitation, I was getting sick to my stomach.

No wonder the Balloon Boy vomited while telling his story on two television shows.

This kind of exploitation reminds me of my Child Protective Services days. As you can guess, we heard lots of horrible stories of abusive exploitation of children.  One that got to me the most, however, was the mother who trained her four year old daughter to crawl under restaurant tables, remove billfolds from purses, and bring them back to mom's table.

Watching the Balloon Boy hoax I  was getting pretty upset. The family perpetrated a hoax on the media. The media bit the bait and perpetrated a hoax on the rest of us. I felt swindled. Duped. Bamboozled.

Maybe I was getting upset remembering the how that little girl was coerced to steal billfolds. Maybe I began reliving my own growing up experiences with a stage mother mom who pushed me to perform. She was the one with long-time stage ambitions and visions of fame. It wasn't me. I just wanted to be a kid.

"Hit a Home Run for Me!"

This is a good example of vicarious parenting. It is a form of exploitation - coercion is often involved. The sad result is a rejection of the child's authentic identity.

In 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' I write:
    "When parents try to live their lives vicariously through their children . . . some  confusion about personal boundaries, they don’t know where they stop and where someone else begins. Vicariousness is often a form of coercion. Children often feel pushed beyond their comfortable limits, but are afraid to say “no” to a parent.

    Vicarious parents encourage their children to meet their own unmet goal — vocationally, religiously, or romantically. Or they urge the children to live out their own unfulfilled dreams by being the “performer” the parents never quite became—in school, on the stage, on the playing field.

    These parents see their children’s performance in life as a reflection of their own     competence. If the children do well, the parents feel like good parents, successful parents. If the children     fall below expectations, the parents feel inadequate and shamed. Then the children are often made to feel inadequate and shamed. The children may lose their sense of self, trading “self” for service to the parents."

Sometimes parents or grandparents want to 'shine' in the eyes of other relatives, coworkers, or friends. They brag about a child's accomplishments to look good. One women told me that her dad bragged  about her art talent to all the relatives. Yet never once did he tell her directly that he was proud of her work.

Bragging Rights

The following is a pretty subtle form of exploitation, but I hear stories about it all the time.   The child is made to feel incompetent so the parent can feel more useful. This behavior sometimes continues into adulthood as well.

Again from 'Don't Take It Personally!':

    “My mom seemed to be waiting for me to mess up so she could step in  and     rescue me,” remembers Georgia. “Sometimes she’d ask me to do chores around the house that were too difficult for me. Then she’d step in and  show me ‘how to do it better . . . . and take over." Georgia did the same when she grew up, taking over for her husband, then chiding him for being 'helpless'". Hmmm. Wonder where she learned that!

I've mentioned before that 20 years ago I served on a National Task Force on Psychological Maltreatment. Exploiting/Corrupting is one of the categories we defined:    
    "Encouraging child to develop self-destructive, antisocial, criminal, deviant, or other     maladaptive behaviors (This includes micromanaging the child’s life, encouraging     developmentally inappropriate drug-related or sexual behavior, or interfering with appropriate     autonomy or cognitive development. It also includes using the child as a pawn in divorce     proceedings.)"

And back to the Balloon Boy: Coercing the child to lie to protect the parents is surely a maladaptive behavior. And it has long term effects on our view of the world and the people in it.

Tips for When You Feel Taken Advantage Of

Here are some tips for dealing with an inequitable situation.
This happens to be a workplace example,but you can most likely
adjust it for a personal situation.

Step One:  Describe the behavior in observable, non-blaming terms. "I've been noticing that I seem to be getting the more time-consuming jobs assigned to our team." (This frames the interaction from your own perception in a way that the other person feels less defensive and less likely to argue.)

 

Step Two:   Describe how you felt about the action.  "I get upset (hurt, angry, upset, confused) that it seems so uneven lately.

Step Three:  Describe how you explained the action to yourself. For example, "When I get these complicated assignments, it does not feel fair." (Note: In certain appropriate personal situations you might want to add how the behavior re-creates old messages from childhood. "This is the same situation as when my older sister used to give me the jobs she didn't want to do." Use this step selectively  only in situations where it feels safe. Probably not with most  coworkers or bosses.)

Step Four:   Describe how you would like the interaction to go next time. "In the future I need to know that assignments are being made equitably. This will do a lot to enhance everyone's productivity."

When have you felt taken advantage of? What do you remember about it? How it has affected your subsequent relationships or situations. I'd love to hear your experiences.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Thoughts on Spanking Children - It's Not Neat to Beat

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
September, 2009

 

Thoughts on Spanking Children - It's Not Neat to Beat

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Spankings hit the news again. Each time a news story appears, I seem to get more passionate about the subject - both professionally and personally. This recent research shows that spankings and other forms of corporal punishment can cause damage to intelligence.

In one study Dr. Murray Strauss of The University of Hampshire and Dr. Mallie J. Paschall of the Pacific Institute for Research and Evaluation conducted 4 year longitudinal studies on 1510 young children.

Dr. Strauss has studied the effects of corporal punishment for 50 years. By the way, his ideas were a major influence on my doctoral dissertation research twenty years ago on the rejection aspects of abuse.

Dr. Strauss talks about a common misconception: “We hear that it’s OK to hit younger children because they won’t remember it . . . This evidence says it’s worse for children between two to six, that the younger child is the most vulnerable.” And his studies on the IQ of abused children seems to bear this out.

A few years ago another research study hit the news. It was reported that ‘mild’ spanking was not especially dangerous to children. The researchers define it as "striking with an open hand on the buttocks, hands and legs without inflicting physical injury."

Many folks get confused by the difference between 'Discipline' and 'Punishment.' Disciplining doesn't have to mean physical punishment. When do 'spankings' become 'whippings' become 'beatings'? I question the conclusion of that study - that mild childhood spankings don't appear to create lasting harm into adolescence.

The Long-term effects

Consider looking at spanking as causing long term effects no matter how ‘mild’ it might be. And the effects are more far-reaching than lower IQ scores.

For many years I worked Child Protective Services and Long-term Placement in San Francisco. Sadly, many of the adolescents I supervised in placement were the very same kids I saw removed from their homes ten or fifteen years before. Often this was because spankings got so out of control that was no longer safe for them to remain in that environment. And the same look of apprehension, uneasiness, fear, and anxiety that I saw when they were little was still etched on their adolescent faces.

Physical abuse is defined as any act resulting in a non-accidental trauma or physical injury. But physical injuries don't have to be broken skin or broken bones. It doesn't take much to leave red marks, welts, or bruises on a small child.

Emotional Welts and Bruises

What about the emotional welts and bruises?

Physical bruises usually heal; emotional bruises frequently do not. It’s not the spanking alone that causes long-term damage. It's more complicated than that.

The accompanying emotional messages of rejection and betrayal travel with the child into adulthood. It affects their world view forever. These experiences determine how they view the safety of their world and the people in it.

All these years later adult clients I see in therapy recall feeling terrified at 'that look' in their parents' eyes. Intense anger or rage on the adult's face can be terrorizing for some children especially if there is an out-of-control quality to it. They live on the edge, waiting for the whipping to come again.

Fear and anxiety are their constant companions. It is not a matter of IF it would come, but WHEN it would come. They are always holding their breath, waiting for the next blow to fall, trying to protect themselves from physical or emotional pain.

When children live with this ever-present anxiety, it becomes a part of their identity. It follows them into adult relationships, affecting future dealings with coworkers, friends, and lovers.

About 20 years ago I served on a national Task Force on Psychological Maltreatment. We carved out definitions of psychological maltreatment and it's long-term effects.

Psychological maltreatment is embedded in all forms of child abuse. It conveys the message that the child is worthless, flawed, unloved, or endangered.

Children feel disregarded and unprotected. Can you see how rejection is the common thread that runs throughout these perceptions?
When children look to someone for love and protection and that person hurts and betrays them, how can there not be long-term emotional damage?

Trust is Fragile

Trust is so fragile, and some children are more sensitive to messages of rejection than others. When children feel disrespected by their parents in this way, how can they learn respect for others? They may ask themselves, "How can someone who is supposed to love me, hurt me like this?" What happens down the road when they're taught through example that it's okay to hit someone? Messages like this are so confusing. When they become adults some will gravitate toward abusive relationships. Some will shun closeness for fear of being hurt again. And others will become abusive themselves.

 A View from the Landing

As you may have guessed, spankings were a part of my childhood. My mom would warn, "Just wait until your father gets home." And my brother and I waited. Terrified of what would follow when we went with him down to the basement.

Often it started with an open hand, but if he thought my brother or I wasn't getting the "message" the next step was the telephone cord. He'd strip away the black sheathing, exposing the brightly colored individual wires. I remember some of them still had metal pieces attached to the ends.
But what really hurt the most, was that I sensed my mother standing on the basement landing, listening to our cries

A Scrapbook of Memories

Once a client brought in a 1950's wooden scrapbook her father had made to display her childhood poems. He painstakingly used a jigsaw, cutting her name into a piece of wood and gluing it onto the wooden cover. It was a loving gesture.

I found myself staring at the colorful lacing holding the two pieces of wood together, There was something eerily familiar about it. At first I couldn't place it. I was stunned when I recognized what it was. The brightly colored cord her dad used to fasten it together was telephone wire.

I couldn't stop my tears.

In Praise of Praise

Consider the idea of ‘praise not punishment.‘ We know from many studies over the last 30 or 40 years that the best way to encourage a desired  behavior is to offer praise or a reward when it occurs. The best way to extinguish an undesirable behavior is to ignore it.

Here are some tips on praising behavior from Alan Kazdin, director of the Yale Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic:

1. Superenthusiastic
2. Specific to the desired behavior
3. Reinforced with a smile or a touch
4. Frequent
5. And immediately following the desired behavior

http://health.usnews.com/blogs/on-parenting/2008/02/04/praise-a-child-right-and-youll-get-results.html

I’d love to hear your thoughts and stories about the long term effects of spankings for ideas about praise not punishment.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

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