Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

Valentine's Day - Love 'Em or Leave 'Em

By Elayne Savage, PhD

'Note: If you can use a relationship 'how-to' or a post-Valentines rehash, I'll be a guest on Scott "Q" Marcus' teleconference Friday, February 17,  10-11AM (Pacific) on his very successful "Getting Past What Holds You Back" series of inspirational conversations:

Enhance your Relationships
Dr. Elayne Savage will help us get past what holds us back from having more fulfilling relationships. Elayne is known as The Queen of Rejection.®  She is a skillful communication coach and internationally respected expert on: overcoming rejection, handling disappointment, not taking things so personally, improving communication skills, and dealing with difficult people.

ThisTimeIMeanIt.com holds regular inspirational open-to-the-public phone conversations to inspire, motivate, and help you overcome what holds you back.
The Teleconference is free. Just sign up in advance to get the call-in number:
http://thistimeimeanit.com/register/

Valentine's Day - Love 'Em or Leave 'Em

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Hmmmm. I can't be the only one with a history of relationship
breakups around Valentine's Day.

I've been through three . . . make that four . . . Valentine
relationship breakups - give or take.

But wait! It turns out lots of folks share my experience - at least
according to a recent Australian survey.

Galaxy Research survey, commissioned by the National Australia
Bank, quizzed Australian singles and couples from all cities on
their thoughts on the so-called "most romantic day of the year."

It found that almost a million people have taken the opportunity
to end a relationship around Valentine's Day. Seeing it as a time
to re-evaluate their relationships.

The survey found the most common reason for terminating a
relationship was the realization that they were not compatible (60
percent). Other relationships were ended because of the belief that
their partner had changed (43 percent) or the spark had gone (43
percent).

Love It and Hate It

I've vacillated over the years regarding my feelings about
Valentine's Day. Some years I love it in spite of the over the
top marketing hype and under par restaurant food and service.

Sometimes I dread it as well because I expect to expect
disappointment. At least breaking off a relationship before
Valentine's Day gives me one less thing to be stressed about!

I think I learned to expect these disappointments in grade school.
I remember how disappointed I was when no Valentine appeared on
my desk from that cute guy two rows over -- the one I used to
daydream about and then was embarrassed because I couldn't answer
the teacher's question.

I remember dreading Valentine's Day back then. I was relieved to
hear in more recent years public schools have stopped this
particular popularity contest.

Let Me Count the Ways . . .

Let's speculate on why there are so many breakups before or after
Valentine's Day.

A good guess would be the hype leading to the disappointments that
follow unrealistic expectations. All too often this is a day when
the value of the relationship is tied up in a gift. All too often
instead of being direct about what we want, we tend to drop hints.
These hints are tied to the belief, "If you love me you'll read my
mind" variety. 

Unstated wishes and unrealistic expectations are set-ups for
disappointment. All too often our feelings get hurt, we take it
personally and feel rejected.

This can't be good for relationships! Especially if resentment
begins to grow.

A few years ago I was interviewed for a New York Times piece on
Valentine's Day breakups. I put forth my theory that the breakup is
a kind of  'the last straw' in a long series of disappointments.

First there was Thanksgiving and all the unrealistic expectations
that come with that. Next, the December Holidays. Then comes New
Years Eve. And finally Valentine's Day. Each month can easily bring
on one disappointment after another.

What Are Your Ideas?

What are your ideas about reasons for these Valentine's Day
breakups? Do you have a story to share? I'd love to hear from you.

7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentine's Day

The key here is to keep our expectations reasonable and be clear
about what you need from the other person.

Here are a few tips for navigating Valentine's Day:

If you are part of a couple:

-1 Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetie will
read your mind. Be direct, communicating clearly about what
you yearn for.

-2 Keep your Valentine's expectations realistic and do-able.
Otherwise, it's a set-up for disappointment.

-3 Don't let the fear of choosing  the wrong card or gift ruin the
day.
All too often folks avoid celebrating Valentine's Day for
fear of making a wrong choice. So they get kind of paralyzed and
don't do anything.

-4 Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families
with different styles of gift giving AND receiving. Respect each
others
'ways.'

-5 Don't mistake "not thinking" for "not caring." Your partner's
way of approaching this day may be different from yours. Remind
your self not not  to feel slighted if it's "not the way you'd
do it." This goes for gift-giving as well.
 
-6 Don't try too hard to be "creative" in YOUR gift giving.
Just be you. On the other hand, Valentine's Day doesn't work
very well if it's an "afterthought."

-7 AND don't take it personally. Dwelling takes up way too
much energy and relationship space. Make room for connection
and intimacy.

If you are unattached:

-1 Spend the day loving yourself. You are worth it!

-2 Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to flowers you really
like.

-3 Treat yourself to that little gift you've been hankering
for.

-4 Take yourself to lunch or dinner.

-5 Be grateful for the people you are lucky enough to love
in your little corner of the world.

-6 Be grateful for the people who care about you.

-7 Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in
giving and receiving love, perhaps spreading your light in a
wider arc than your little corner of the world.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

   From My Heart to Yours . . .

          Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

 Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

Nasty and Personal: When is Political Nastiness Psychological Projection?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

I've been receiving e-mails about the polarity and negativity in this political campaign. Readers talk about the nasty and personal sniping, the name-calling and how there seems to be an unusual amount of viciousness in debates and advertising.

One woman wrote:  "Things are getting pretty ugly in the political sphere this election. It would be beneficial to get further perspective on ways to handle situations that are so negative."

"It is not just candidates who are negative. It seems, to me very few people are able to discuss politics without demonizing the other side. It is a real challenge to talk issues in a more objective way.

"A case in point is a close relative who keeps sending attacking political e-mail after I asked them to stop. How do you handle a person who insists upon talking politics when I have clearly stated I don't wish to discuss politics with them?  Where's a good starting point to deal with this issue?"

I do have some ideas of what may be going on here. This is not meant to be a political commentary. But rather, some observations on human nature.

Let's start with understanding 'isomorphism' and then move on to 'psychological projection.'

It is fascinating how some of our relatives or friends or neighbors appear to be taking on the negative qualities of the campaigners. And the media does the same!

The reader's example of pushy, negative comments is a terrific example of isomorphism (Sometimes referred to as  'parallel process' or 'social contagion.')

Isomorphism is a mirroring of one situation by another. It is when the energy from one context (for example political campaigners) is picked up and replicated in another context (for example voters.) 

You’ve probably noticed how images in television commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example, a human face will change into a lion’s face or an antelope will transform into a car— right before your eyes.

This is what happens with certain interactions as well. In politics the character and temperament of a candidate trickles down to voters. There seem to be an influx of personal attacks, sharp tones of voice, aggressiveness and nastiness.

And of course this process also exists in personal and professional relationships.

Isomorphism is one way of explaining what may be going on in the realm of political nastiness. Psychological projection is another.

Psychological Projection: Spreading the Garbage Around

As the political attacks get more intensely personal and vicious every day, I wonder if there isn't some kind of personal flavor and investment in the accusations.

Could it be that the accuser is talking about their own flaws or shortcomings?

The tendency to see certain traits in another person when you cannot acknowledge them in yourself is called psychological projection.

When we find traits, behaviors, ideas or feelings unacceptable in someone else, it is usually because they are blind spots for us and we need to disown them.

If our family or society has deemed something "unacceptable," it is not safe for it to show up and we tend to submerge it. These traits become our 'shadow side.'

And if they do start to pop up, they make us really nervous.

Anytime we have unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears our anxiety level can shoot up. Most of us have a tendency to protect ourselves from experiencing the anxiety when undesirable thoughts intrude. A common way to cope with and tame the anxiety is to unconsciously attribute the thoughts or feelings to others.

In other words, to rid ourselves of this anxiety, we may fling these unacceptable parts of ourselves onto other folks. We may accuse them of the same types of behaviors that we find incompatible with how we see ourselves.

In this primary election we hear accusations of being disreputable, corrupt and sexually inappropriate. We hear about infidelity, influence peddling, corporate shilling, dishonesty, and vicious whisper campaigns.

Some scratching below the surface and a little research might expose the accuser as having similar attributes.

I'm not making a political statement here. Psychological projection has been rampant from both political parties throughout quite a few primary and general election campaigns. And I've commented on it in other blogs.

Have you noticed it too? Is it my imagination or does it seem to get worse with each new campaign?

I'd love to hear your comments. You can write to me at
elayne@QueenofRejection.com

Psychological projection does not just exist in political campaigns. It is all too common in our personal and professional relationships as well.

Have you noticed how traits you can't tolerate in others are often the things you can’t stand about yourself? These might include anger, sadness, fears, insecurities, vulnerabilities, and dependency. It might include your tendency to be stubborn or flirtatious or bad or too loud or pushy or competitive or controlling.

When a thought or fear is too hot to handle we want to get rid of it. That's when you might toss it over to someone else. Partners, friends or co-workers are handy recipients. By attributing the thought to them, you can rid yourself of the anxiety it brings up.

Projection is like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space — for safekeeping.

A client says, “When we can’t own our own stuff, we try to give it away. I guess you could say that projection protects us from ourselves by spreading the garbage around.”

Projection also involves confusion about personal boundaries. I describe how this works in BREATHING ROOM:   http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

"Having good personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our personal space is unique and separate from the personal space of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."

It's Hard Not to Take Finger Pointing Personally

If you find yourself attributing feelings or thoughts to someone else why not take some time to ask yourself if you could possibly have the same trait. Could you be dealing with it by projecting it onto the other person?

It's no wonder the onslaught of insinuations and projections in this election have been unsettling to my coaching and therapy clients. It reminds them of all the projections they have experienced in their personal lives. Unfounded accusations from parents, sibs, teachers, or peers. Accusations that didn't fit. And no wonder. The accuser was most likely talking about him or herself. It's hard not to take finger pointing personally. It certainly feels like a personal attack.

There is an old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing. When someone is pointing a finger at you, remind yourself that the other three fingers are actually pointing right back at the accuser. The SNL folks sure got it right. It helps put things in perspective.
 
It's a reminder worth repeating to yourself:
"This is not about me.
This is most likely about the other person.
They are probably talking about themselves.
What might they be saying?"

In spite of the disturbing nature of the campaigning we can learn a lot about ourselves by noticing it's effect on us. Projection is all too common in many relationships. It helps when we can get a handle on it.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

 Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Beating Holiday Stress: Avoiding Disappointments

By Elayne Savage, PhD

One of the biggest stressors during the holidays comes from giving and receiving gifts:

How stressful is it for you to shop for just the 'right' present?
How disappointed do you get if the gift someone someone picked out for you is below your expectations?

Whenever I present a speaking program on expectations and disappointments, the subject of gift-giving generates lots of animated discussion. Just about everyone has a story about feeling hurt, slighted or offended.

The rejection and self-rejection messages they tell themselves go like this:
"He doesn't care about me,"
"She just doesn't 'get' me,"
"He should have guessed what I really wanted."

It's so easy to take it personally if you don't get what you hoped for. And you try
to keep the disappointment from showing on your face.

And if you are the gift-giver, do you try to read someone's reaction through their expression and body language? Do you imagine you are seeing disappointment on the face of the person you are trying so hard to please?

Or do you shop for the perfect gift for someone, spending more time and money than you really wanted to, and you receive from them a sale item at the discount store?

What do you tell yourself?

Some of us have never forgotten our childhood disappointments. When any new disappointment comes our way, it often brings up the anxiety associated with those old childhood feelings.

Each Family Has Their 'Way'

It's not surprising there are so many hurt feelings and misunderstandings about gift-giving. After all, each of us grew up in different families with different ways of giving and receiving presents.

Some us grew up with checks or gift cards. Others feel slighted when we receive this kind of gift. In our mind, not shopping means not caring.

And then there's the issue of whether to exchange a gift or not. Some of us would never think of exchanging a gift, we think we have to keep it even if we'll never use it. Taking it back to the store feels disloyal or rude. Others wouldn't hesitate to exchange the gift for something they can really use.

Disappointments Feel Like Rejection

Here are some tips for avoiding disappointment and the feelings of rejection that go along with it.

- Know what YOU want.  If you don't know, how can you expect anyone else to try to figure it out.

- Don't 'hint around.' No one can read your mind. Be direct about what you want. Surprises are great as long as you can keep from getting disappointed.

- Why not offer two or three gift suggestions? OR even pick out two things you really love at your favorite store or online site. Then ask the person who will buying you a gift choose which one to
 buy for you. This way you can be sure it’s a gift you want.
It even has a bit of surprise element as well because you don’t know which gift they'll choose. It’s worth having a little less surprise in order to have lots less anxiety for both of you about the gift-giving.

They’ll love you for making it easy and you get something you really want.

The 911 Stress Less Holiday Teleseminar

Because I know how stressful the Holidays can be, I'd like to tell you about how to get lots of fabulous tips on avoiding stress during the Holidays, I want to invite you to the 911 Stress Less Holiday Teleseminar

I'll be joining my long-time colleague Ilene Dillon for two segments in her 911 Stress Less Holiday Workshop, the laser-fast workshop that will show you how to transform your holidays into a joy-filled and enjoyable experience again . . .

There are so many things that can happen during the Holidays that can easily and quickly mess up your experience. You can be criticized for your choices, intruded upon by questioning or scrutiny, manipulated (again!) into doing things you don’t really want to do, get stuck doing all the food preparation or cleanup, get caught between relatives who don’t like each other (but you love them both!), or have a friend or relative regale you (for hours!) with their depressing stories and problems.

There are things you can do to get through these differently this year. Not only that, but what you learn this year will strengthen you for next year! You can start yourself on the path to enjoyable Holidays for the rest of your life by participating in this 911 Stress Less Holiday Workshop now. It’s “911” for this year; and “stress less” for these Holidays and those to come.

Here are some of the things included in this Teleseminar:
    •    An easy thing you can do to make sure you have enough time for everything you choose to do
    •    How to make sure you are choosing your Holiday activities and experiences
    •    Three techniques for turning aside criticism you may encounter from others
    •    A simple method for bringing up or talking about things, including difficult topics
    •    The sure-fire way to allow your emotions to tell you if you’re being manipulated
    •    Two ways to stop others from manipulating you
    •    How to find, reveal (to yourself), heal and integrate old emotions that mess up your Holidays—and why you want to do this
    •    A simple change of perspective that can turn “problems” into “puzzles” that you can solve
    •    An easy technique you can do, quietly, to keep yourself separate from the problems of others you are with
    •    An incredibly simple formula for setting boundaries with people who want you to do things their way
    •    A “rule” to follow to make sure your decisions are the right ones for you
    •    A powerful, yet simple, exercise to close the door on your emotional reaction to others
    •    A deceptively simple thing to say if someone speaks and hurts your feelings
  
I know you'll be delighted with the skills and abilities you'll develop to help you sidestep Holiday Stress.

The teleseminar occurs in two, two-hour long, sessions, on December 12 and 14 (Monday and Wednesday). You’ll have a choice of two different times each day, too:  
2 p.m. ET (11 a.m. PT) or 8:30 p.m. ET (5:30 p.m. PT) for maximum match-up with your schedule.  

The information offered in this Teleseminar is simple, yet potent. The Teleseminar has been designed so you have two full days of “digestion time” before you are given a ‘second helping” of 911 Stress Less Holiday information.

In addition, Ilene has knocked $100 off the usual cost of this Teleseminar as her Holiday Gift to you.  Normally priced at $397, the 911 Stress Less Holiday Teleseminar is now only $297.  This is a real bargain for the tested information and techniques you’ll receive, right at the time you need it!  

Register Here:  http://stresslessholiday.viprespond.com/?ref=ElayneS

I've had lots of fun this season offering tips on how to beat Holiday stress. You'll also find my ideas featured in the December issue of Real Simple Magazine.

Happy Holidays and a very Happy New Year to you!

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

 Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

 

Puttering Around with Perfectionism

by Elayne Savage, PhD

I've been referring lately in "Tips From the Queen Of Rejection" to how striving for perfectionism results in lost opportunities. And you've been writing in, asking me to say more. 

"You Can't Do Anything Right!"

I've struggled with perfectionism since childhood - always feeling no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do anything right. At home and in school the messages I got was:

"That's not good enough."
 "What makes you think you can do that?"
"Your cousin did better than you did."

And even though I think I've changed and gained the upper hand with my need to be perfect, folks around me are not always so sure!

If you've read my books and articles or attended my workshops, you know I see perfectionism as a way of protecting ourselves from rejection.

In other words, we strive to do something perfectly so we don't leave space for someone to say, "It's not good enough." As a result, we can develop unrealistic expectations of ourselves. We might even fall off our own pedestal.

By trying to avoid feelings of disappointment and rejection we may put off beginning the project or task. Yep, that's procrastination.

Look at it this way: we might be trying to avoid the anxiety or stress that comes with feeling bad or inadequate. And we may end up feeling even badder, more inadequate, and more rejecting or ourselves. In future e-letter/blogs I'll write more about my ideas on perfectionism - where it comes from and how to get it to work for you and not against you!

If you have thoughts about what aspects of perfectionism you'd like me to focus on or if you have your own experiences with procrastination to share, email me at elayne@QueenofRejection.com or comment on my blog site, www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com

A Fresh Perspective

When we've been struggling with something for a long time, sometimes it's helpful to bring a fresh perspective to how we see it. 

My friend and professional speaking colleague, Scott "Q" Marcus does exactly this as he suggests we strive for imperfection for a change.
 

Striving for Imperfection:Stop Doing Nothing Perfectly and Do ANYTHING Well!

by Scott "Q" Marcus

I have an interesting take on the pursuit of “perfection.”

Striving to be perfect is at best a barrier to actually getting “better,” and — in many cases — an excuse or a justification to avoid having to change one’s bad habits.

A bold or unusual view? Maybe; but, as an example, let’s take a common scenario. Suppose you decided to do something about those “few extra pounds” you’ve been carrying around lately. With fierce determination, you emphatically announce that you’re giving up anything sweet, fried, gooey, crispy, brown, sugary, or with even a hint of alcohol. Furthermore, you will start writing down everything you eat, cook with only organic ingredients, read all labels, consume unprocessed nutrients only, count all calories — and, on top of all that, start a daily 5AM walking program.

“I’m going to be perfect on my program,” you boast, with chest proudly swelled, to anyone who will listen.

And you are – until the end of the first day.

By nightfall, the constant drone of annoying phone calls, interruptions, cranky constituents, unmet deadlines, and various other unexpected events has you drained. You drag your tired soul into the house, drop your purse on the table, collapse on the couch, exhausted, and tell yourself, “One beer won’t hurt. Besides, after a day like today, I deserve it.”

That’s true. Those 20 pounds weren’t caused by “one beer.” The extra weight was actually caused by the thought that follows.

As you lick the last remnants of golden foam from the glass, you are reminded of the promise you made yourself. The thought immediately explodes into the forefront of your mind: “Oh-oh, I blew my diet!” There is a pause while you consider your next step. But before you can tell yourself it’s only a minor slippage and get back on track, the next spark that scampers across your tired gray cells is, “Well, as long as I blew it, I might as well REALLY blow it. I can always start again tomorrow.”

Once the dam has broken loose, the remainder of the evening consists of “one last night” of scavenging the kitchen, finishing off the ice cream, tearing into the bar of chips, eating the peanut butter from the jar, swallowing a pound of cheese slices, and — oh yes — making sure the six pack of beer will be gone before you go to bed. You do all these (or at least you tell yourself), “so you won’t be tempted tomorrow. If I can get it all out of the house, I’ll be OK.”

It sounds good in the moment. And when the alarm buzzes the next morning at 5AM, reminding you to do your walking program, you think, “Oy, it’s so early. I’ll start that on Monday.”

You head to work, face the same day you faced yesterday. (After all, aren’t most days pretty similar?) And, at days end, you come home, collapse on the couch — and repeat the process.

So it goes…

The problem lies not in drinking a beer or having some ice cream, but in the thoughts that lead to the actions; as well as those that follow.

It’s the belief that I have to be “perfect” that gets in the way of actually making improvement.

For example, if instead of perfection, the goal had been to be “better about my health,” the diet would have been off to a great start on day one. Yet, since the measure of success was all or nothing – perfection or failure – day one fell within the loss column. In a world made only of blacks and whites, a near miss is as bad as big miss. There is no difference. Since we can never be perfect, we will always be falling short. Since we’re falling short, we’re a failure. Since we’re a failure, why even bother to change?

Labeling events “success” or “failure” is more than semantics.

When we “fail”, we seek comfort. Although “bad” behaviors might not be healthy, they are comforting. That’s why we do them; for emotional support. It’s ironic, but focusing on our failures therefore actually increases the odds of engaging in those very “failing” behaviors.

On the other side of the coin, if we can focus on successes — no matter how small they seem — we are inspired, which sharpens the senses, allowing new feelings and, therefore new ideas to move to the forefront of our thoughts. As a result, new patterns are generated; negative behaviors are reduced. There is as much truth to the statement that “success breeds success” as there is to the truism I share in my seminars and keynote speeches, “If guilt and shame were motivational, we’d all be happier, healthier, and more successful.”

This is not to say ignore what doesn’t work.

That’s just plain stupid. However, to change the results we get, we first have to change our view; because the reality is we cannot change anything but that and our own behaviors. Our co-workers, family members, constituents, council members, might — and I say might — make minor changes to accommodate us, sure; but the bottom line is we will still have to adjust what we do. It is imperative, especially in the challenging times in which we now find ourselves, that we must find ways to congratulate ourselves whenever possible and be less hard on our ourselves when we mess up.

Success only comes in small steps. That’s frustrating, sure; however, failure arrives in a great big clanging, bang, and all at once. The choice of what we call the results of our actions can make all the difference in how well we do what we do.

Strive for Imperfection: Don’t try and do it all, just do one thing more than you did before, congratulate yourself for that. Repeat as necessary.

About the author: Scott “Q” Marcus is a professional speaker and the CRP of www.ThisTimeIMeanIt.com, a website for people and organizations who are frustrated with making promises and are ready to make a change. Sign up for his free newsletter at the site or friend him at facebook.com/thistimeimeanit. He is also available for coaching and speaking engagements at 707.442.6243 or scottq@scottqmarcus.com

Newsflash!  Elayne Featured in New Series: "Getting Past What Holds You Back"

Scott Marcus is presenting "Getting Past What Holds You Back," a new series of  interactive conference calls with proven experts on how to enhance your relationships, build your career, increase your wealth, find your passion, and stay balanced.
 
Each call will be one-hour in length and open to the public. (Advance registration is required.) And there is no charge!

The first call is September 30 at 11am PST with Mike Domitrz on "Finding Your Passion:."

I am honored to be part of this exciting series. Look for me in February to talk on what holds you back in relationships.

For more information on these programs and guest experts, go to:
http://thistimeimeanit.com/register/

I hope you'll listen in . . .

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

 

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Rewriting the Messages of Childhood

by Elayne Savage, PhD

Wendy Wasserstein was the first woman playwright to win a Tony Award, and a Pulitzer as well for 'The Heidi Chronicles.'

She died of lymphoma in 2006. She was 55 years old.

In Julie Salamon's 'Wendy and the Lost Boys: The Uncommon Life of Wendy Wasserstein' we understand how the onslaught of childhood rejection messages affected the woman she grew into.

Wendy's Story - "Look at That Fat Girl"

The mother, Lola Wasserstein, pushed Wendy to succeed yet undermined her with criticism. The book describes how, walking down the street together, Lola Wasserstein might point to the crowd and inform her daughter, “They are all looking at you and thinking, ‘Look at that fat girl.’

It's no surprise that Wendy had a life-long discomfort with her body.

Any of us who grew up with family secrets can relate to how it must have felt for Wendy to learn as an adult that there was a fifth brother who was never spoken about. First-born Abner had been sent away to an institution years earlier.
 
Wendy grew up shrouding herself in her own secrets. She made friends easily and people felt connected to her, yet Salamon writes that she used “humour as a dodge, intimacy as a smoke screen.” She had great difficulty connecting with friends on an authentic level. Her closest friends wondered how well they knew her. She had a baby at age 48, never revealing the identify of the father.

Wendy was the youngest of five born to Polish immigrant parents who had big dreams for their children. And surely they were ultra-achievers.

Sandra, the eldest, became a high-ranking corporate executive. She died at age 60, a few years before Wendy's death. Georgette, the middle daughter, became the successful owner of a large country inn in Vermont. Bruce was a billionaire investment banker who died in 2009 at age 61. His death was surrounded by secrecy as was much of his life. Another testimony to the power of the childhood messages he grew up with.

Let's take a look at how the experiences we have in childhood can affect our personal and professional lives as adults. And then consider what we can do to change that.

Wendy Wasserstein once said: "Sometimes if you can create order out of experiences, it lets you pass through them."

The stories below happen to be messages from families. Some of the most damaging messages, however, come from teachers and peers.

Hannah's Story - "They'll Find Out I'm an Imposter"

Hannah's mother would say, "What makes you think you can do that?" And Hannah tried so hard to please her, but the response would be "you didn't do a good enough job - you really disappoint me."

Is it any surprise that Hannah, a successful consultant, becomes overly anxious before each client meeting. She tells  herself: I'll disappoint them for sure. I won't be as good as they expect me to be."

Our work together concentrates on how she can build on her successes and not automatically jump to those negative messages from childhood. We focus on the situations where she has been effective. Doing a good job no longer has to be dependent on her impossible-to-please-mother! What would it take for her to stop taking that old message so personally?

Ryan's Story - "I Feel Like the End of the Food Chain"

"'That idea is foolish' my mother would say." My needs or style were never honored. I was expected to do things their way. To think like them. I never had a say. I felt invisible and inadequate."

And this situation is recreated often in Ryan's contract work interactions. Once again he feels powerless, afraid to rock the boat with clients, hearing the old childhood refrain in his head: "Don't upset your mother." These days this translates to, "Don't upset the client."

Related to this is the childhood injunction: "Don't questions us - it's disrespectful."

This means Ryan had to guess the meaning when it was not clear. And in his family, communication was often murky - full of undefined meaning.

You can imagine how this plays out in his dealing with clients who are fuzzy in communicating their ideas and goals for a project. "It's sure hard to keep persevering and go after direct answers when the message of 'Questioning is bad' plays in my head."

Working together our job is to find ways for Ryan to move past those powerful growing up messages. To separate the 'then' from the 'now.' Can Ryan remind himself that as a young person he felt he did not have options for responding. Can he remind himself that as an adult he does have the power of choice. If only he can stay in the  present and not get overwhelmed by the past.

Julia's Story - "I Feel Obligated To Take Care of Others"

"My mother's message to me was 'You don't need a romantic relationship or friends. You have me.' And in fact she was my drinking buddy when I was in high school. I took care of her then. And I still do.

"I guess I feel obligated to take care of others. I can see how I choose under-functioning boyfriends that I can 'save.'" Then my own needs get lost and I'm not taking very good care of myself.

We looked at how Julia can nurture herself. She decided to concentrate on healthful ways of doing this: Long walks with a friend, yoga classes, regular massages, eating mindfully.

Providing a Mirror

I'm curious what kinds of rejection, non-acceptance messages were passed down throughout the generations in the Wasserstein family. It's fascinating to show my clients how to diagram a 3-generational Genogram, noting the spoken (and unspoken) messages that are passed down.

'Grandma Passes Down More Than Just Her China.' is one of my most popular workshops (and a section in my first book, 'Don't Take It Personally!').
She and grandpa also pass down family traditions, attitudes, beliefs, myths, scripts, roles, rules, expectations, disappointments, and rejection messages. And if we're lucky, we get a dose of acceptance, respect  and validation as well.

Every day in my relationship and workplace coaching practice I hear similar stories to those told here. I'm sharing a few with you because stories like these provide a mirror for you to remember your own experiences, create order out of them, imagine choices for change, and pass through them.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Do you, too, have childhood memories to share? And how have they affected your personal or professional relationships? I'd very much like
to hear your stories. You can post on my blog under comments:
http://www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com
or email me at:
elayne@QueenofRejection.com

And let me know if I can be a resource to you in any way.

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Reunions and Reconnections - Exhilerating and Exhausting

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Reunions can be exhilarating and exhausting at the same time. I just got back from a series of reunions with family, friends and places. I attended a high school reunion and also reunited with an old friend from college.

These adventures gave me the opportunity to discover aspects of myself I didn't know existed. By stepping back into the past and  looking through the eyes of others I could see the reflection of the person I used to be. And I was learning new things about myself!

What Do I Need Most From This Adventure?
For weeks before my trip, I was getting more and more nervous. How would things go? Would I be disappointed? Would I feel rejected and hurt? How would I handle it if things actually went well? And the bigger question: how would I handle it if things deteriorated and I was hugely disappointed?
 
The idea for the trip materialized when I realized I had a need to reconnect with family, friends and favorite places. So I planned a trip to the East Coast where I had done some of my growing up.

I knew I needed to connect with my family in Baltimore. It's been far too long since I visited. I've never met the children of my two nieces -  and the oldest are already four. I wanted to spend time with my brother, Lee, on his turf for a change, instead of in California.

The timing couldn't have been better! There was to be a Forest Park High School reunion brunch while I was there. This wasn't an official 10 year reunion - it was a mini-event to get people together. Hmmmm. Why not plan my trip to include the brunch? 

I don't have much allegiance to Forest Park High School. I graduated after attending only one year. I've never returned for a reunion. I go instead to Omaha Central High reunions even though I moved away and didn't graduate with my class.

I experienced Forest Park only in my senior year when my dad  remarried and moved us from Omaha to Baltimore.

It was such a miserable year for me. I was such a lost soul. I was so angry and resentful at having to leave my friends and the activities I'd worked for - cheerleading captain, yearbook staff, and writing a weekly newspaper column. Adjusting to a brand-new step family with new family rules and roles was such a terrible experience.

When I arrived at FPHS I didn't know anyone and in all honestly, I didn't want to. And it felt like most of them weren't interested in getting to know me, either. They had known each other for years. And I was the newcomer, the outcast, the freak.

I'm grateful for the few people who reached out to me back then, especially Sima who more or less took me under her wing. She introduced me to her friends, and made sure I was included in social stuff.

She and I have stayed friends all these years. It was great seeing her on this trip, spending time together and 'catching up.' Sima picked me up and we drove together to the brunch buffet. I have to tell you that walking in with someone everyone knew made all the difference in the world. I could feel myself relax enough to smile a little at people.

Making Sure to Cover All My Bases
A few weeks before the buffet event I began thinking about how I could best take care of myself in this adventure.

Besides Sima, there were a few others I wanted to try to reconnect with. I emailed each of them that I was coming and would love to get together.

I knew one of them would remember me because we've stayed in touch a bit over the years. I wasn't so sure about the others, though. Would they know who I was? How would I feel if they didn't?

I actually heard back from all three. And yes, they did remember me. Each responded that they'd like to try to get together.

Ricki wasn't planning to attend the brunch but wanted to try to connect if we could. As it turns out, we never did get together when I was in Baltimore. Maybe next time.

I wanted to see if she remembered our cutting school adventures. We'd show up at school in the morning, then decide to drive to Annapolis, 'charter' a fishing boat and sunbathe on the deck out on the Chesapeake Bay. You can imagine how amused the fishermen were!

Another person I wanted to see was Marjorie, who was cheerleading captain at Forest Park and let me be on the cheerleading squad when I arrived from Omaha. I wrote about my gratitude for her kindnesses in an earlier e-letter/blog;
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2010/07/the-clintonmezvinsky-wedding-not-making-the-cut.html

Marjorie and I stay in occasional touch over the years. When she learned I was going to the reunion brunch, she said she'd try to drive down from Philadelphia. But a few days before the event, she emailed she wouldn't be able to make the trip.

The third woman I wanted to reconnect with was Froma. I have really fond memories of her from high school. She, too, remembered me and we were able to reconnect at the brunch. It was great seeing her again. And now we can make sure we stay in touch.

"Sorry, But I Don't Remember You"
As I said earlier, I was pretty anxious about attending this reunion event. I didn't know what to expect. Actually, I was trying  not to have any expectations - just to  let whatever happens, happen. I was curious however about what my responses to all of it would be. What might I discover about the person I was back then? Would I have any  surprises? How did other's see me? What might I  learn about the person I am now?

I was trying so hard not to have unrealistic expectations.Yet, I really didn't see how most of them  could remember me. I became pretty invisible. I didn't  go to my graduation banquet dance. And I have never attended FPHS reunions in the past.

I pretty much found myself expecting folks to say, "Sorry, but I don't remember you."
And that's exactly what most of them said.

I was also aware that those who did remember me seemed glad to see me after all these years. And you know what? There were lots of people there that I didn't remember either!  I was glad to make new connections.

Here's a moment I just loved: As we were about to leave the restaurant, one woman said, "I've been trying to remember who you were, but I couldn't recall you at all. Until this moment. When you just smiled that big smile how you looked back then came flashing back to me!" 

Another Kind of Reunion  - With a Long Lost Person and a Magazine!
I enjoyed another kind of reunion in Baltimore. I've recently had e-mail contact with someone I hadn't seen since college. I worked with Bill on the Mahout, the University  of Alabama's humor magazine in the 1960's. He was Business Manager when I was Office Manager. He now lives in Virginia and drove up to have lunch. Bill brought along the best gift, ever - the first issue of the Mahout printed under my own tenure as Business Manager.

Yep. There was my name on the masthead, "Layni Raskin, Business Manager."  But wait, there's more. On the inside front cover is a full page ad for Tuscaloosa's McDonalds Drive-In. I'm under the Golden Arches with friends leaning on a shiny Cadillac convertible, and eating a Big Mac. Bill said I must have typed the address label myself, because It had the kind of typos I was famous for when I was Office Manager.

I'm so excited to hold this magazine in my hands again! All of my Mahout issues were ruined years ago when my dad's basement flooded.

So I not only had a reunion with Bill, but a reunion with the Mahout as well. Holding this magazine sure symbolizes my recent journey of reconnecting with people, places and memories.

The Take-Aways
The trip went well better than I could have imagined. Maybe because I thought through what I needed and how to make that happen.

I'm grateful for the opportunity to watch myself interact with old memories and the people in them. I was able to stay present, to walk alongside myself and be mindful of  these interactions as they happened.

I could see how that young, scared, insecure person has finally gained some self-confidence in dealing with stressful situations.

I could see how I could let myself be proactive and try to insure my needs would get met.

I also trusted that what happens, happens and whatever occurs I knew I would learn from it.

But how would I have felt if it hadn't gone so well? What if I had I had been too attached to a certain outcome and was mightily disappointed?

What if I hadn't been open to receiving acceptance in whatever form and shape it appeared? What if, instead, I had expected and perceived rejection as I have so often in the past?

How would I have reacted? Would I have immediately gone back to those old reactions of feeling rejected and taking things personally? And if that had happened, what lessons might I have learned about myself, my world and the people in it?

Here is a description of my reactions to another reunion - in Omaha.
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2009/07/class-reunion-a-time-for-reflection.html

And what about you? If you were to take a "reconnection" trip how would you like it to go? How would you plan  for it? What would you have done to prepare? How might you have reacted if it didn't go well? Would you have felt disappointed? Rejected? Hurt? What might you have learned?

© Elayne Savage PhD

I'd love to hear your comments and experiences about your adventures with  reconnections and various kinds of reunions.

You can post on my blog under comments:
http://www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com
or email me at:
elayne@QueenofRejection.com

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs  

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a relationship and workplace communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

 

Self-Sabotage - The Gremlin That Ruins Relationships and Careers

By Elayne Savage PhD

A note about self-sabotage: 
I  touched on the topic of self-sabotage in these two radio programs:

EmotionalPro with Ilene Dillon

http://emotionalpro.com/archives/3577  

Your Life, Your Relationships with Hollis Polk   

http://www.progressiveradionetwork.com/your-life-your-relationships/                                          The June 1, 2011 podcast

Self-sabotage is such a fascinating subject - and many of you wrote wanting more information. So here you go . . .


Yet another incident of sexting by an elected official was just reported by the media. This time a Louisiana councilman. You're probably as weary of the copious coverage as I am.

Yet, once again I find myself reading all about it. And perhaps a bit embarrassed that I'm so intrigued by the goings on.

I was amazed at the media frenzy surrounding the reports of Anthony Weiner sexting on Twitter. I Is it my imagination or is the media's lust for exposing secret lives of public figures escalating? You know the list: Arnold Schwartsenegger, John Ensign, John Edwards,Mark Sanford, Mark Foley, David Vitter, Eliot Spitzer, Larry Craig, and Bill Clinton. Did I leave anyone  out?

What propels public figures to engage in this kind of risky behavior?

How do they justify behavior that could cause them to self-implode? How do they rationalize self-destructive behavior that, if discovered, will probably lead to loss of careers, families and respect? How much energy are they putting into leading a double life? Why are public figures seemingly driven to take risks that could lead to facing public exposure, censure, rejection — and the subsequent shame and humiliation?

Or for that matter, why would any of us take these kinds of risks?

- Do they think they can get away with stuff because they are  powerful people? 

- Do they think they are so special they won't get caught?

- Are they are driven in a way that they can't stop themselves? Is it part of the love/sex addiction cycle of stress/anxiety/self-doubt leading to acting out behavior? (Resource: Patrick J. Carnes, 'Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction'. 3rd Edition, 2001. Hazelden.)

- Is about that "high" received from the hit of adrenaline when they engage in the behavior? The momentary feeling of power or conquest?

- Might they want to get caught so the behavior will stop?

- Could this be self-sabotaging behavior?

Let's focus on the self-sabotaging part.

How Do We Self-Sabotage? Let Me Count the Ways!
For the sake of trying to make sense out of it, let's call this kind of risky behavior 'self-sabotaging behavior.' Surely they are blocking their success by working against their own best interests. Most certainly they are sabotaging their family relationships, their careers and the trust folks have put in them. Surely they are sabotaging their reputations, and their potential to accomplish their goals and dreams.

How might this self-defeating behavior happen, and why?

Self-sabotage is self-rejecting behavior. And there are a multitude of ways we manage to sabotage ourselves. Let's try to understand how it happens.

The dictionary definition of sabotage is 'an act or process tending to hamper or hurt' or 'any undermining of a cause.'

However I always think the best description of 'sabotage' is the visual image that history offers.

Origins of "Sabotage"
You may know that 'sabot' is a French word meaning wooden shoe or clog. It's said the term originated during the Industrial Revolution when discontented workers threw their sabots into factory machinery to damage it. The word 'saboteur' came to mean 'working carelessly,' 'clumsiness,’  'botching' or ‘bungling,’ The meaning broadened to include any purposeful and disruptive behavior.

What are the ways you sabotage yourself? How do you jam-up, clog, or stop your machinery?

Over the years I've been an expert  at self-sabotage. I've encountered windows of opportunity, but let them float by without acting. I have been known to mis-address correspondence, make typing errors on important emails when I wanted to impress someone, and misspeak on quite a few occasions.  Once I even missed a plane when I was on my way to present a program for an out-of state organization! 

Now I recheck things more than once before sending them out and plan carefully - especially when I want to impress someone.

Do you ever find yourself clogging up your machinery with self-doubt about capability and competence. Are you sometimes overcome with feelings of inadequacy?

Self-sabotage can take a myriad of forms. We sabotage relationships — both work and personal. We sabotage our well-being. We sabotage respect for ourselves.

- Have you ever pushed yourself so hard on the treadmill or bicycling or running that you strain a muscle and can't exercise again for two weeks. That, too, is a form of self-sabotage, even though it really feels good in the moment.

- Sometimes we make relationship choices that are set-ups for rejection and disappointment — another form of self-sabotage.

- Sloppy business practices are another form of self-sabotage.

- Missed opportunities, not listening carefully enough  to our inner voice.

- Sometimes we seem to have a need to punish ourselves. Maybe even for every "bad" thing we've ever done!Self-sabotage is often  the method of choice. Most of the time we aren't really aware we are doing it.

Can you think of other ways?

Self-sabotage is one of the ways we deal with stress and anxiety. Other ways we deflect anxiety are avoidance, procrastination, perfectionism, and making excuses.

My earlier e-letter/blogs have addressed the the tug-of-war of ambivalence:
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/ambivalence/
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2006/12/whispers_and_ro.html

And here is link that explores the fears we encounter when we put ourselves out there and try something new:
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2006/11/fear_of_tryingt.html

Often we find ourselves hitting the wall of Resistance (with a capital 'R') as Steven Pressfield so exquisitely describes in 'The War of Art.'

'The War of Art' (A book about Inner Battles)
Robert McKee in a Forward to the 'The War of Art' (Warner, 2003) says Resistance is Pressfield's  "all-encompassing term for what Freud called the Death Wish — that destructive force inside human nature that rises whenever we consider a tough, tong-term course of action that might do for us or others something that's actually good."  He goes on to describe the manifestations of Resistance as "a force that lives within us all — self-sabotage, self-deception and self-corruption."

Pressfield describes Resistance: ". . . the most toxic force on the planet . . . To yield to Resistance deforms our spirit. It stunts us and makes us less than we are and were born to be . . . As powerful as is our soul's call to realization, so potent are the forces of Resistance arrayed against it . . . Resistance defeats us. If tomorrow morning by some stroke of magic every dazed and benighted soul woke up with the power to take the first step toward pursuing his or her dreams, overnight every shrink in the directory would be out of business. Prisons would stand empty. The alcohol and tobacco industries would collapse, along with the junk food, cosmetic surgery, and infotainment businesses, not to mention pharmaceutical companies, hospitals and the medical profession from top to bottom. Domestic abuse would become extinct, as would addiction, obesity, migraine headaches, road rage and dandruff."

Self-doubt, Self-rejection and Self-destruction
On the surface pubic figures may appear self-confident and self-assured. Certainly they are persuasive and opportunistic in ways that can serve to benefit others.

And yet, underneath the polished, and successful exterior, there may be heaps of low self-worth lying around.

Perhaps when politicians and other public figures engage in risk-taking behavior, this might be connected to their deep down feelings of inadequacy, insecurity and unworthyness.

It might come from a core belief that in reality they are a loser. Then, as this premise repeats itself over time, it leads to negative and disappointing outcomes. And instead of pretending to be what they are may feel like a huge relief.

You Can Change Your Perceptions
Usually these thoughts are below our radar and we're not consciously aware of them.

In order to overcome self-sabotage we first have to become aware of them. If we can't see something, we can't change it. 

We have to recognize our doubts and fears and understand how they affect our behaviors. You've heard me talk about 'walking alongs side yourself' and mindfully recognizing your thoughts and behaviors, then making a conscious choice to experiment with trying out new behavior.

Ask yourself: Why might I be holding myself back? What am I uncomfortable about?What uncertainties do I have? What might I be afraid of?

Which am I afraid of more — failure or success?

Ask  yourself "What's the worst thing that could happen?" Then say the answer out loud. Even better to state it out loud to another person like a partner, friend, coach or therapist. Hearing yourself say the words seems to take the charge off of the fear.

What would it take for you to become your own best supporter instead of your worst saboteur?

© Elayne Savage PhD

I'd love to hear what you think about this topic.

You can post on my blog under comments:
http://www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com
or email me at:
elayne@QueenofRejection.com

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs  

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a relationship and workplace communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

What's Going to Happen to Me? Facing and Overcoming Fear

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Fear is in the air and it’s contagious. Like a bad cold or a mean flu.

Fear can be debilitating. The worry, apprehension and anxiety brings on a stuck place, a kind of paralysis.
 
It’s difficult to think clearly or act decisively. And to complicate matters, it’s hard to escape the hourly fueling and fanning of fear by the media and politicians.
 
There is something else in the air as well - helplessness and uncertainty. When these powerful, responses are rooted in early experiences, a child-like fright can take over. We start re-experiencing those times when we were young and terrified and helpless. Like waking up from a bad nightmare.
 
And a small voice asks, “What’s going to happen to me?”
 
Let’s put this overwhelm in perspective:
How you are affected by outside events
Why you are debilitated to this degree
What steps you can take to overcome the fear
 
Looking at Loss
As a workplace coach and family therapist, each day brings more stories about the economy’s impact on us. Tensions are great. Stress is rampant. Relationships are incredibly strained.
 
People feel helpless, insecure and frightened.
 
The connecting theme in these experiences is Loss. Losing a job not only means loss of income. It brings along loss of routine, loss of independence, loss of respect, and loss of identity. Losing a home or savings fosters loss of security and loss of well-being and loss of a dream. And for some, the loss of hope.
 
And the small voice asks, “What’s going to happen to me?”
 
Facing and navigating loss is even more complicated when it reminds you of painful losses from early years. A pet dies. A childhood friend moves away. You move away – to another school across town or across the country. An older brother or sister goes off to college, leaving a void in your world.
 
Early loss takes other forms as well. Separation or divorce. Serious illness. Someone you love dies.
 
Any of these losses can feel like abandonment. And abandonment is the most profound rejection of all.
 
Our cumulative experiences affect how we cope with present day losses.
Each new loss in the present can bring up losses from the past. Even though they seem long ago and forgotten, they still pack a wallop.
 
Disappointments
Disappointments are loss, too. Most of us as children felt disappointed in someone or something.
 
Maybe someone made a promise they didn’t keep. Or you didn’t get that special present. Or you had your hopes pinned on an ‘A.’ Or you found out you couldn’t count on someone you trusted.
 
As we grow up each new disappointment reminds us of past experiences. Who hasn’t believed exaggerated promises or engaged in some wishful thinking? Or put someone on a pedestal, only to watch them stumble and tumble?
 
There’s a fine line between hopeful positive thinking and unrealistic expectations. Reality can be a hard landing place.
 
Unrealistic expectations are setups for disappointment, disillusionment, and resentment. And when we’re too invested in a certain outcome, we tend to take disappointment personally.
 
That’s when disappointment feels like rejection.
 
Loss Of Trust
Have you ever struggled with loss of trust, Including powerful feelings of disloyalty and betrayal? Can you see how losing a job might feel unfair? Or disloyal? When your employer promises security and you trust this, it feels like a betrayal when the job evaporates.
 
The extent of your reaction to loss of a job or a promised project might be influenced by your past experiences with trust, unfairness, disloyalty or betrayal.
 
Trust is fragile. When it is violated, it is difficult to restore.
 
Loss of Identity
Layoffs and forced early retirement are common occurrences these days. These sudden shifts in structured time leave large holes in normal routines. We feel lost.
 
Losing employment can bring on loss of identity. Work is a touchstone for how you think of yourself. Losing this identity throws you off-kilter. How to fill this void creates quite a challenge.
 
Loss Feels Like Rejection
Each of these losses and disappointments can feel like rejection or self-rejection. Rejection is feeling “dissed” in some way: disrespected, dismissed, discarded, dispensable, discounted, disenfranchised or dishonored.
 
When you feel wounded at such a deep place, it’s hard not to take the hurt personally.
 
When we take something personally, we see ourselves as a target, perceiving someone’s actions as a personal affront. We feel slighted, or wronged, or attacked. Then we begin to question our self-worth and go to a self-rejecting place. All too often we give up our power to the person or situation that causes us to feel hurt.
 
Each of these losses incubates fear and apprehension. What a lonely feeling fear can be. You may want to retreat, lick your wounds and suffer in silence. You might find it difficult to reach out and connect to others. And yet, reaching out and building relationships is one of the best ways to take care of yourself at times like these.
 
Reaching Out
Can you talk to a partner or friend? A spiritual leader or teacher? What about a counselor, coach or psychotherapist? Social networking or on-line forums can work, too.
 
Can you put words to your worries and fears? Write them down, and then read them out loud. At least to yourself. Hearing the sound of the words makes a difference.
 
If we don’t talk out our feelings, we act them out.
 
Acting Out
Acting out is a common way of releasing tension. It can take many forms. We're seeing a lot of anger lately. Protests, picking fights, flying into rages, antagonizing and bullying.

Some people act out by engaging in excessive behaviors - including addictive.
 
But acting out can be passive as well: foot-dragging, “yes, butting,” sulking, or giving someone the silent treatment.
 
These behaviors are ways we deal with the anxiety and pressure that build when we’re not able to put words to our feelings, worries and fears.
 
Respecting Different Coping Styles
Talking to your partner or friend is a good idea - when it works. What if you try to talk but you are disappointed by the other person’s response? What if you don’t feel heard or understood or supported?
 
We all have different styles of dealing with stress, anxiety, and fear. We learn these coping skills (or lack of them) from our family and cultural growing up experiences.
 
It’s not surprising we all have different ways of coping. After all, we grew up in different families!
 
These family ‘ways’ are passed down through the generations. As I point out in Don’t Take It Personally!, “Grandma passes down more than just her china.”
 
Unspoken fears get passed down from generation to generation as well. Chances are most of our great grandparents experienced fears around scarcity, impoverishment and loss when they immigrated to this country. These fears may have been passed along through the generations - to us.
 
Now that we are going through hard times ourselves, these heretofore dormant fears are jumping out. Scaring us. Throwing us way off-kilter.
 
Different Ways of Coping
• One person may withdraw, experiencing a kind of paralysis, while the other person mobilizes and becomes over-active.
 
• Another may cocoon, preferring alone time, while the other needs to increase their contact with others.
 
• Sometimes one is less inclined to talk about feelings and the other talks so much that it’s hard to listen anymore.
 
If either of you feels discounted, you’re most likely feeling rejected. Before you know it, someone is taking something personally. Unless you can respect each other’s styles, misunderstandings can occur. The resulting hurt feelings lead to anger and resentment.
 
Resentment takes up so much space in relationships that there’s barely room for connection. Especially in these stressful times, feeling connected is important.
 
Tips for Coping with Fear
• Give yourself permission to be afraid. These are unsettling times. However try not to cross the line into biting the ‘fear bait’ dished out by the media and politicians.
 
• Give your worst fear a name. Say it out loud. Talk it out. Hearing yourself say what you fear most can work wonders in refocusing your perspective.
 
• ‘Walk alongside yourself.’ With this mindfulness you’ll gain enough distance from the situation to see it more clearly. Try separating the “now” of the present moment from the  “then” of unpleasant childhood experiences. This frees you up from becoming overwhelmed by your feelings.
 
• This objectivity allows you to choose to make a different response. Know that your partner, friends or colleagues may deal with fear differently than you. Try not to compare.
 
• Make a plan. It provides structure, direction and reassurance.
 
• Try not to take disappointment personally. It’s an energy zapper. Even though disappointment might feel like rejection, remind yourself, “This is not about me. I can choose how much energy I give to this.”
 
Unblocking Your Energy
When you’re feeling helpless, afraid, immobilized, dazed, numbed, or stunned. When it becomes hard to think or act. Try to remember to move.
 
Move your fingers or your toes, or your body. Try to get that energy flowing.
 
Breathing In the Colors
Whenever  I find myself in a negative space, I do whatever it takes to get my energy flowing. I especially like to take a walk. Releasing those endorphins increases my feeling of well-being. While I’m walking, I breathe in the colors around me; the sky, trees, plants, flowers, structures. This keeps me present, grounded and appreciative of my world.
 
By creating options and getting the energy flowing, you won’t feel so stuck. You can tap your power and develop momentum for growing into self-acceptance and creativity.
 
Then ask yourself, “What‘s going to happen FOR me?”

 © Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne
 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
 http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more abouther speaking programs, coaching and consulting services visit

http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

 

 

Outraged, Enraged, Air Raged

by Elayne Savage, PhD

I sure can relate to the Jet Blue flight attendant who 'had it' 
with abusive passengers and exited with dramatic style.

Did it strike a chord with you, too? Have you ever had
fantasies about saying "You can take this job and shove it.
I'm outta here?"

And for some folks, he became an instant hero. I'd love to
hear your thoughts and experiences about this saga.

You know the story: Flight attendant Steven Slater was
reportedly involved in an altercation with a passenger. She
apparently cussed him out with a couple of F word expletives.

Slater, a 20 year veteran of dealing with disruptive passengers,
snapped.

Reports say he announced on the intercom: "Those of you who
have shown dignity and respect these last 20 years, thanks for a
great ride." Then he grabbed a beer from the galley, deployed the
plane's inflatable emergency chute, and along with his luggage,
slid to the tarmac. And what a dramatic exit it was!

Later he was arrested and charged with "criminal mischief,
reckless endangerment, and criminal trespass."

Wow. So many rejection and taking things personally aspects
of this story - where to begin? Let's concentrate on two:
Overreactions in the Workplace and The Psychology of Air Rage.

Over-the-top Overreactions in the Workplace
Over-the-top comments, looks, tones of voice or dismissive acts
feel like rejection and  we take them personally. It can be
devastating when we overreact in public work situations.
In spite of our good intentions and all of our customer service
and anger management training, sometimes someone crosses
the line. Something gets triggered and we have a meltdown.

It has happened to me . . .

When I was  working in San Francisco Child Protective Services,
performance was evaluated on a bell-shaped curve. Ratings out of
the middle range required written justification meaning more work
for the supervisor. Many were not willing to put in the extra
effort. Often our strengths were not acknowledged. We were not
validated for performing difficult and often dangerous work.

The job evaluation procedure was dismissive and rejecting.

It's hard not to take something personally when you are
disappointed by the actions of people you look to for support.
Even if it's not intended, it feels like rejection.

I got very angry that Evaluation Day. I left my supervisor's
office, grabbed a large box of paper clips from the supply shelf,
and threw them at the nearest wall. It was exhilarating, and it 
made a big mess.

I sure was enraged.

Rage is Anger with a History
Rage is beyond the experience of anger. Where anger reflects
something happening in the present, rage reflects overwhelming
feelings from the past.

I see rage is ‘anger with a history.’

Rage is usually connected with our early life experiences. An
event may be distressing in the present, but it can set off an
out-of-control reaction when it reminds us of painful or traumatic
experiences.

Let's look at these spring-loaded actions as metaphors for early
injustices: feeling “cut off,” “squeezed out,” “kept waiting,”
“pushed around,” “bumped,” “edged out” or “trapped.”

When a similar experience is recreated in the present, we find
ourselves re-experiencing old feelings and becoming enraged.

Outraged, Enraged and Air Raged
Air rage boils down to someone taking something personally.

Like road rage, air rage is an out of control reaction to feeling
wronged, slighted, or intruded upon. When someone invades
our personal space, we feel  disrespected.  We take it personally.

We become outraged and enraged. 

Feeling “dissed” takes a multitude of forms. Certainly it means
feeling disrespected. However, there are dozens of “diss”
words which translate into perceived rejection.

Consider the complex emotions arising from feeling disrespected,
dismissed, or disregarded What about disposable, dishonored, or
disenfranchised?

Cut Off, Squeezed Out, Kept Waiting, Pushed Around, Bumped,
Edged Out, Feeling Trapped.
By recognizing these metaphors we can better understand the
phenomenon of air age.

Kept waiting through countless lines and delays. Bumped in line by
another passenger. Jostled as you board  the plane. Pushed around
by airline personnel."Ignored' by a flight attendant who forgets to
take your order. Trapped on a crowded plane - especially when
another passenger is taking up too much physical or emotional space.

Did you ever feel pushed or bumped or ignored or trapped when you
were a kid? How did you handle it? Did you get angry? Did you lose
control?

These experiences can be unsettling. Emotions flood. You can’t sort
out your feelings. Before you know it, you’re behaving badly. You
usually see yourself as kind and considerate.  How can you be
behaving so outrageously now? How can this be happening?

The exchange of behavior between the passenger and the flight
attendant on this Jet Blue flight was reportedly laden with
reciprocal incivility and disrespect.

Is this ignoble behavior a reflection of the outrageous times in
which we live?

There is certainly a lot of rage and fear and anxiety out there
these days. Even the “usually nice” ones among us find ourselves
behaving badly some of the time.

Feeling Trapped
Let's look at the  'feeling trapped' metaphor. It's easy to feel
that way cooped up in a plane. There's another element here as
well:  Some of us grew up feeling trapped. Especially if we had to
deal with confusing messages in our family. And we couldn't
comment or leave the scene.

I describe this trapped feeling in 'Don't Take It Personally! The
Art of Dealing with Rejection:'

"Children feel especially helpless and confused if they grow up in
a double-bind family where there are two conflicting messages
given(often one is verbal and one is covert). They are expected to
obey both messages . . . . They have no way to comment on the
confusion or to leave the scene (except perhaps by spacing out). It
seems they have no options; they feel bound up, trapped. It’s a
no-win,damned-if-you-do-and-damned-if-you-don’t situation . . . .
Struggling to make choices in no-win situations in childhood can
lead to overwhelming anxiety that may resurface in adulthood."

I wonder how many flight attendants feel trapped - discouraged from
commenting and generally unable to 'leave the scene.' How many
fantasize about making A Great Escape? Perhaps a parachute? Or the
escape chute?

It surely was Steven Slater's fantasy. I watched him say, "For 20
years I thought about it!"

Complicated by Fear and Anxiety
And of course fear and anxiety complicate matters. For passengers
it may be the fear of flying, scary turbulence, stress, worrying
about a personal situation or about missing a connection. Fight
attendants have many of the same concerns and emotions.

Here's how fear and anxiety relate to disruptive behavior:
When we are anxious about something and unable to put words to it,
it can overflow into disruptive behavior. The anxiety has to go
somewhere. If we can't talk it out we often act it out.

And when Steven Slater took something personally and overreacted,
he chose an unusual way to act out his feelings and his fantasy.
Leaving the scene by sliding down an inflatable escape chute.  

Here are some tips for how not to take things personally:
•  Remind yourself: it’s more about the other person than it is
about you.

•  Don't presume – check things out.

•  Put yourself in the other person's shoes. How might they be
feeling?

•  Remember: you DO have choices.- even though in the heat of the
incident, it sometimes feels like you don’t.

•  Even though you find yourself walking down that old path of
overreacting, notice what's happening. Remind yourself you can
always back up to the fork in the road and walk down a different
path. I call this 'walking alongside yourself.'

•  If you are being raged at don’t bite the bait, don’t engage. A
confrontation is only going to be a lose-lose situation for you.
And you might get hurt.

•  Put the incident in perspective by remembering the metaphor
theory. Remind yourself that old feelings could be recreated in
this incident.

•  Take a breather. Ten slow breaths can work wonders to reduce
stress.

•  Most importantly, don’t take it personally! Chances are the
other persons inconsiderate behavior or careless mistakes are not
really directed at you.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professionalspeaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consullting services visit:

http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Feeling Dissed at Work? Here's How to Bounce Back

by Elayne Savage, PhD

Maybe you were recently dissed in a meeting or by a
colleague in the workplace.

Maybe the affront takes the form of a mean-spirited remark. Or unreasonable demands on your time. Or the condescending attitude of your boss. Or someone playing favorites. Or a snarky coworker. Or a back-stabbing-idea-stealing team member.

What do you do? Do you resign your self to silence? Do you
speak up? Do you go along to get along?

It's usually difficult to decide how to respond. Even more these
days with so much at stake in the workplace. And in these stressful
and difficult times, workplace dissing takes on a whole new
dimension.

Fear about job security  piles on yet another layer of anxiety
and stress.

I've been providing workplace coaching on disappointment,
rejection and taking things personally for over 25 years. I've
heard hundreds of stories.

Yet, I've never seen fear about recriminations so rampant.

"What if I get fired?"
"What if I don't get that project they promised?"
"What if they don't like me anymore?"

Stress and anxiety are easily passed from one person to another.
You don't even know you caught a dose of it until it starts weighing
you down. When folks around you are stressed and anxious they
might unload on you.

Anxieties need somewhere to go. When we cannot talk them
out, we tend to act them out - often on other people.

You probably have your own 'hot spot' that causes you distress.
Something happens that feels disrespectful and it starts festering.
Before you know it, you're dwelling on it - for hours, or days
or even weeks. How long does it take before it interferes with your
focus, your concentration and your productivity?

And the stress keeps building . . .

These days more than ever folks are contacting me for consultation on coping with rejection, slights, and condescending attitudes. Sometimes it's stinging words. Sometimes it's more subtle - a look or tone of voice that sends reverberations.

These days there's even more of a tendency to 'go along to
get along.' You are afraid to speak up. Afraid you might be
sorry for taking care of  yourself.

It's true some folks take things more personally than
others. They tend to fill in the blanks with what they
presume is meant by someone's actions or inactions.

Rather than fill in those blanks with your own explanation
of what someone might have meant, check out with that
person what was actually said and what was intended.

Here's how:

"This is what I heard you say."
"Is it what you said?"
"Is it what you meant?"

Below are typical stories I hear these days/

He can't say 'no'

Jonathan is distressed because he feels taken advantage of
at work. He feels trapped and can't see any way out.

Because it's important to him to impress his 'higher ups, he
can't say 'no' when someone requests he take on more work.

Talk about stress! He's been coming in early and leaving
late. And yes, working over lunch as well. Jonathan is a very
unhappy guy these days and his emotional and physical health
are being compromised.

Jonathan has never felt so stuck in his life. Yet he's afraid to 
speak up for fear he'll evoke displeasure or even lose his job.
His 'good boy' reputation - respectful, considerate and
accommodating - means a lot to him.

So what can Jonathan do to take better care of himself?
How can he find a way to get up the courage to say "no?"

We talked about some phrases he might experiment with:
"I cannot do everything you ask, but this is what I can do."
OR
"You've asked me to do _________.
And you've asked me to do _________.
Which would you prefer I do first?"

Both choices are respectful and considerate, which is exactly
how he wants to be regarded. He really has nothing to lose.
Except the 'accommodating' part which gets him into trouble.

Left out and left hanging

Stephanie has a different sort of problem. She feels her
boss regularly shows favoritism to a her team leader.
During meetings, as the rapport grows between the other
two, Stephanie finds herself ''shutting down and disappearing."
"I lose my voice, and begin doubting my self."

To make matters worse, one day the team leader surprised
Stephanie by finding fault with Stephanie's report. It was the
section that would have given more responsibility and creativity 
went along with the criticism. What a backstab this was. It really hurt!

Myriad feelings might surface in situations like this: feeling left
out, betrayed, angry. Old sibling rivalries or middle
school peer rejection might spring up.

In this workplace situation, Stephanie might say to her coworker:
"I was under the impression you were in support of my ideas. I'm
confused as to why you changed your mind about this section
of the report. Perhaps you can help me understand your rational."

Maybe there is a reasonable explanation that Stephanie
can learn from for the future. If not, perhaps Stephanie can
convince her team leader to approach the boss together about
reconsidering the idea.

Have these kinds of situations occurred in your experience?
How can you feel less victimized by circumstances?
How can you empower yourself in what often feels like
a hopeless situation?
How can you feel like you have choices in the situation?
How can you stay centered and maintain your confidence?

I'd love to hear your experiences and ideas.

It's probably not about you

It helps to keep repeating "It's most likely not about me." Remind yourself when people treat people badly, it's often because they are stressed and anxious.

If a stressed out coworker is feeling anxious or fearful,  they most likely try hard to control this anxiety. Usually folks do this by trying to control their world. Trouble is, there are people in their world who are feeling controlled by them. And it feels pretty yucky.

Sure you can take it personally. That's one option. But chances are it's really not about YOU. Chances are it's about the other person's need to feel less anxious. So
another option is to put yourself in their shoes and try to
understand how they may be feeling.

Understanding reciprocity

Understanding the concept of reciprocity helps you
navigate these energy draining negative experiences.
Reciprocity relates to how each person's behavior affects
and is affected by the behavior of the other.

It means taking a good look at how both of you participate
in and contribute to the flow of any interaction. In both
negative and positive ways.

In other words, what someone thinks you think about them is
how they are going to respond to you.

With this in mind, let's look at how you can act to moderate negative message flow when it feels dismissive and rejecting. And how you can enhance positive message flow that feels validating and respectful.
 
Consider how respect is the key to effective teamwork.

Trouble is, it can be a struggle to accept someone's
style of doing things when it's different from your own.

We all have different styles of thinking, communicating,
doing, creating and being. We each learn these 'ways' in
our families, through cultural influences going back many
generations  — attitudes, beliefs, rules, values, and
expectations.

These family messages are passed down from generation
to generation.

So in any team meeting, you have quite a few more folks then
the group around the conference table. You have a roomful of
family members — both dead and alive — hovering around.
Each is clamoring to get their point of view across. Parents,
grandparents, step parents, aunts, uncles. Oh my.

Notice how 'crowded' the room is. See how many differences
of style are represented. Remember what we call a 'personality
conflict' is usually a style incompatibility.Understand how many
people might be taking something personally at any given time.

Is it any wonder team meetings can be so overwhelming?

We often feel uncomfortable or even threatened by differences
in thinking and doing. And our discomfort shows on our face,
especially if the other person is prone to reading expressions.
And they are most likely 'filling in the blanks' trying to figure out
what we are thinking about them. Not a good situation.

Here is a terrific way to regain mutual respect and get things back
on track. And it works both inside and outside the workplace:

Try finding something you can LIKE OR APPRECIATE about
the annoying person. It could be a certain skill, sense of humor,
color of shirt, or hairstyle. During any interaction with them
concentrate on that positive feature.

When a person sees RESPECT in your eyes, they are more
likely to respond positively to you. Give it a try.

And it's oh-so-empowering when it works!

Let me know.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
 

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs  
 REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consulting services visit:

http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

"Don't Fear Change. Change Fear"

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
April, 2009

IN THIS ISSUE
 1.  A Night of Calming the Columbine Fears
 2.  The Culture of Fear
 3.  Fear Is in the Air and It's Contagious.
 4. "What's going to happen to me?"
 5.  Reaching Out
 6.  Respecting Different Coping Styles
 7.  Tips for Coping with Fear
 8. Unblocking Your Energy and Moving It Around
 9.  "Don't Fear Change. Change Fear"
10. Contacting Elayne
11. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

"Don't Fear Change. Change Fear"
By Elayne Savage, PhD

This week marks the 10th anniversary of the killings at Columbine High School in Littleton, CO. Twelve students and a teacher were killed.

Students Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris did the killing. They felt taunted, teased and ostracized by peers for 'being different.'  They reportedly joked about seeking revenge for these injustices.

A friend says, "They were tired of those who were insulting them, harassing them. They weren’t going to take this anymore, and they wanted to stop it."

And so they did. On April 20, 1999, they armed themselves with shotguns, handguns and a semi-automatic. They tormented and killed twelve classmates and a teacher. Twenty-five more were wounded.

A Night of Calming the Columbine Fears

On that April day, long into the night and into the morning, I was on the air with the host of a Denver radio program. Together we tried to try to help residents make sense of the tragedy. To help them deal with the overwhelming anguish. To listen to their fears.

Callers jammed the phone lines, desperate to understand what happened in their community that morning. Why did it happen? How did it happen? And they wondered: "What will become of us?" 

Fear.

The radio host wanted me to stay on with him for another hour or two. I just couldn't. After almost five hours I was emotionally spent. Listening to the fear in everyone's voices hour after hour was too much for me. I was numb.

This experience shook me to my core. And ten years later, I'm still deeply affected.

The Culture of Fear

Since the time of that tragedy, fear has been galloping through this country at breakneck speed.

The horrific attacks of 9-11 occurred two years later, and The Politics of Fear erupted, playing to our fears and anxieties. Terrorism. Anthrax scares. Gay Marriage. Immigrants. Disease epidemics. And now, the Economy. A culture of fear has been permeating and fraying the fabric of our country. And we feel vulnerable. Helpless.

Fear is a hot item on the airwaves, bandwidth and print. With each tragedy, natural disaster, series of killings and acts of terror, the fear quotient gets ramped up.

The art of instilling fear is reaching new highs. Sometimes I imagine a scenario where media folk and politicians attend fear-mongering school to learn how to talk it up to its best advantage. The evening news provides us with a regular dose of catastrophe. If there is a crime or drug or disaster story, it leads the newscast. As the saying goes, "If it bleeds, it leads!"

Whether or not you agree with Michael Moore's motivation in 'Bowling for Columbine,' the 2002 film makes some important points about how fear dominates society in the US. He theorizes that fear leads to using guns to settle disputes in this country.

When this film was made there were 7 million guns to 10 million households in Canada yet there were 151 people shot and killed in Canada compared to 11,798 in the US. Rates for Japan, England, Australia and Switzerland were all under 100. Germany was 373.

Here is a section of film dialogue describing why many Canadians feel safe enough to leave their doors unlocked:

    When we lock the door, we're
    imprisoning ourselves inside . . .

    I have family that lives
    in the States.

    They used to live in Canada
             
    And it's so different.
    They get afraid more easily.

    Canada's more just, like,
    "Let's negotiate,
    let's work something out."

    Where the States is,
    "We'll kill you and that'll be the end of that."

Fear Is in the Air and It's Contagious

In the seven years since the release of 'Bowling for Columbine,' fear seems to be even more built into the culture. It used to be we would go from one traumatic event to another. In between our fears and anxieties would subside - until the next tragedy occurred.

It is different now. Fear is in the air and it's contagious. It's been a bumpy ride and most of us are scared. Dazed. Numbed. Stunned. Immobilized. We go to bed scared and we wake up scared. 

Apprehension touches people around us – family, friends and colleagues. One person catches it from another, like a bad cold or mean flu. The anxiety that results can lead to a kind of paralysis. It's hard to think or act.

There's something else in the air. Let's call it helplessness and uncertainty. When these fears are rooted in childhood experiences, a child-like fright takes over.

Childhood fear was usually connected to some kind of loss. Perhaps your childhood friend moved away. Or you transferred to another school across town or to another state. Or an older brother or sister went away to school, leaving a void in your heart.

Maybe it felt like you lost a parent for a while if there was a separation or divorce. Or if there was a serious illness in your family. Or if someone important to you died.

These cumulative experiences affect how you cope with present losses.

What's Going to Happen to Me?

A small voice asks, "What's going to happen to me?"

When we are all grown up, but again feeling scared and insecure, we may find ourselves asking the same question. And needing reassurance.

This point is worth remembering. As a child or young adults you may have experienced setbacks that seemed overwhelming at the time. You had not yet accumulated the life experience to know that it's not the end of the world. Things do get better. In the midst of present day misfortunes, it's worth reminding yourself that things will get better again.

As a workplace coach and psychotherapist I'm hearing lots of stories about the impact of the economy. Tensions are great. Stress is rampant. Relationships are suffering. And fear is dominating people's lives.

Loss is the theme in just about every conversation: Loss of jobs, Loss of income. Loss of homes. Loss of savings. Loss of routine. Loss of independence. Loss of security. And with all of this comes Loss of identity and well-being and self-esteem.

And again, the small voice asks, "What's going to happen to me?"

What a lonely feeling fear can be. Your tendency may be to retreat and suffer in silence. At times like these it can be difficult to make yourself
connect with others. It helps to reach out.

Reaching Out

Can you connect with others to talk about these losses and fears? A partner or friend is ideal. A counselor, coach or psychotherapist is another good option. Social networking and forums work, too.

Can you put words to your worries and fears? Then hear yourself say the words out loud. Even if you write in a journal, read your words out loud to yourself. Yes, out loud.  It makes all the difference.

When pressure is building it needs to go somewhere. If we don't talk out our feelings, we act them out.

Acting out is one way of releasing tension. It takes many forms. Some of us pick fights, antagonize, fly into rages, or slam doors. Or we might engage in excessive behaviors.

But acting out is not always active. It can be passive as well, such as foot-dragging, “yes, butting,” sulking, and giving someone the silent treatment.

All of these behaviors are ways we deal with the anxiety that builds when we’re not able to put words to our feelings, worries and fears.

Respecting Different Coping Styles

Talking to your partner or friend is a good idea, however sometimes it doesn't work too well. What if you don’t feel supported by the other person? What if you both have different ways of handling upsetting situations? What if you have different coping styles? What if you feel the other person doesn’t understand you?

We all have different ways of dealing with stress, anxiety, and fear. We learn our coping skills (or lack of them) from our family and cultural experiences.

- One person may withdraw, experiencing a kind of paralysis, while the other person mobilizes and becomes over-active.

- Another may cocoon, preferring alone time, while the other needs to increase their contact with others.

- Sometimes one is less inclined to talk about feelings and the other talks so much that it's hard to listen anymore.

If either of you feels discounted, you're most likely feeling rejected. Before you know it, someone is taking something personally. Feelings get hurt.

Unless both of you can respect each others individual styles, misunderstandings and hurt can lead to anger and resentment. Resentment takes up so much space in relationships that there's barely room for connection. And connection is what's so important now.

Tips for Coping with Fear

Truth be told, we often put much more energy into avoiding fear than we do in dealing with it. Would you like some practical ideas for managing fear?

- Give yourself permission to be afraid. Say out loud what your worst fear is. Put a name to it. Talk it out with someone if possible.

- 'Walk alongside yourself.' Gain some distance from the situation to see it more clearly. Try separating the “now” of the present moment from the “then” of unpleasant childhood experiences. This frees you up from becoming overwhelmed by your feelings.

 - This objectivity allows you to choose to make a different response.

- Make a plan. This provides structure and reassurance. And being pro-active helps balance the feeling of helplessness that can creep in.
-
 - Know that your partner, friends or colleagues may deal with fear differently than you. Don’t compare. Honor the differences rather than feel threatened by them.

And in case you missed it, the March 2009 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection' e-letter has more tips on dealing with fear (loss and anger, too.)
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2009/03/index.html

Unblocking Your Energy and Moving It Around

These ideas from my first book, 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' may be helpful:

Visualize a honeycomb. The energy takes the form of warm, thick, sweet, amber-colored liquid, constantly moving through the interconnected tunnels.  As the energy flows, a wondrous transformation takes place. Notice how the negative messages of childhood take on new qualities as they flow from space to space. 

As the energy changes from life-depleting to life-sustaining, it provides sustenance, allowing room for your needs and wants, and encouraging clear boundaries. Then the energy develops new vitality, permitting choices and enhancing good communication.  And it keeps on moving, flowing. Moving and flowing.

Do you find yourself feeling like a scared little child, sitting paralyzed on the sofa, for hours or days?  Maybe it seems like you've been living in a cartoon. Things don't seem real to you, you're not a part of time.  Sometimes I feel like that myself.

When you're feeling helpless, afraid, immobilized, dazed, numbed, or stunned. When it becomes hard to think or act. Try to move. 

Move your fingers or your toes, or your body. Try to get that energy flowing. Once you do even a small amount of movement you are no longer stuck. 

If you can remember to move your finger back and forth, then your arm, you have just made a choice to reconnect with your body. Self-soothing works here too. By gently stroking your hand or your arm or your shoulder, you activate energy.

Try pressing the thumb of one hand into the palm of the other. Apply enough pressure to bring yourself back to consciousness, and to your feelings. You have just brought time back into the picture.

Once you create options for yourself, you don't feel so paralyzed. Once you open up a little, and let the energy flow, you'll be tapping in to a sense of your power.

Watch the energy spread, growing into self-acceptance and creativity. Marvel at how it fills you with a new experience of yourself and new ways of relating to others.

"Don't Fear Change. Change Fear"

Morphizm.com reviews film, music and culture. It's a cool site that gets it right when it proclaims: "Don't Fear Change. Change Fear."

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs  

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

Fear, Anger and Outrage

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
March, 2009

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Fear, Anger and Outrage
2. Rage is 'Anger with a History'
3. Scratch the Surface of Anger and You'll Find Fear
4. Unrealistic Expectations are Setups for Disappointment
5. Loss of Trust
6. Loss Feels Like Rejection
7. Tips for Coping with Fear
8. Contacting Elayne
9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Fear, Anger and Outrage
By Elayne Savage, PhD

I was about to send out an e-letter on Fear and Disappointment. That was before the AIG bonus reaction headlines began screaming: "Outrage." "Outrage." "Outrage."

References to "Populist Rage" and "Bailout Rage" abound. Note how the word 'anger' is barely used. The operative word appears to be 'Rage.'

'Rage' is a powerful word describing a powerful emotion.

Let's look at 'rage' and how is it is different from 'anger.' We can then see if 'rage' is what we're really feeling. Or is it what the media says we should be feeling? Next we can look at the connection between rage, anger and fear.

First I want to give you my definition of rage based on over 25 years as a psychotherapist, communication coach and workplace trainer.

Rage is 'Anger with a History'
In my writing and speaking programs I define rage as 'anger with a history.' Rage is an emotion beyond anger. The way I see it, anger relates to something happening in the present and reflects “now” feelings. By contrast, rage arises from overwhelming, sometimes unbearable feelings from the past.

A distressing event in the present can become unbearable when it reminds you of past painful experiences. These negative events collect in your memory. Before you know it, you’re overreacting and feeling out-of-control.

Old injustices stockpile into a repository of rage, just waiting to be disgorged.
When a similar event happens in the present, the stockpile ignites and you are having an intense reaction against those past injustices.

These strong feelings arise from perceived mistreatment at the hands of others. Perceived injustices. Betrayals. Disappointments and Loss. Road rage is a good example of how easily folks can overreact.                 http://www.QueenofRejection.com/article_roadrage.htm

If you are aware when your anger moves into rage, you might be able to slow down the process. Ask yourself if you are reminded of an incident from your history. Does it conjure up images when a parent or teacher did not support or defend you? Or times when peers treated you unfairly. Or times somebody important disappointed you terribly.

Scratch the Surface of Anger and You'll Find Fear
Even though rage is 'anger with a history,' it is still anger. Most often when you scratch the surface of anger, you'll find fear.

When you find yourself angry ask yourself:
"What am I afraid of?"
"What might happen?"
Once you begin to get a handle on it, write it down. Then read it out loud to yourself:

"I’m afraid that _____________."

Hearing yourself say the words gives form, shape, color, and texture to the fear and makes it more manageable.

Fear and anger are connected emotions. The 'Flight or Fight' response to stress shows how this is so. When we are faced with a stressful situation, we respond in one of two ways. By fear or anger. We protect ourselves from harm by running and hiding (flight) or by becoming angry and aggressive (fight).

We can also see the connection between fear and anger in other aggressive behaviors. The bully is a good example. The bully puffs him or herself up because underneath that tough exterior lies fear and vulnerability.

Anger (within reason) can be a good balance to fear. Anger is energizing whereas fear is energy draining. Anger at the AIG bailout and bonuses may be serving a useful purpose. It may serve to energize folks when they are feeling depleted, depressed, helpless or immobilized by the economic situation.

The feeling of helplessness is the scariest of all for some of us.

So let's talk a little about fears in this shaky economy.

Apprehension seems to be touching just about everyone. It's contagious. One person catches it from another. How is it affecting you? As anxiety grows, a kind of paralysis sets in. You may feel helpless, afraid, immobilized, dazed, numbed, or stunned. It's sometimes hard to think or act.

Tensions are great. Stress is rampant. Relationships are suffering.

Loss permeates all of this. Loss of jobs is accompanied by loss of income and loss of identity. Loss of homes or savings is permeated with loss of security and loss of well being. And for some, there is a loss of hope.

Coming face to face with loss and the fear of loss is difficult. This becomes even more complicated if it reminds you of a painful loss from your early years.

Unrealistic Expectations are Setups for Disappointment
Unmet expectations are another form of loss. As a child did you feel disappointed in someone or something? Perhaps someone made a promise they didn't deliver on. Or you didn't feel supported or defended in the face of perceived danger. Or you found out you couldn't count on someone you thought you could trust. These experiences stockpile, just waiting for the next disappointment to occur.

Who among us hasn't believed exaggerated promises or engaged in some wishful thinking or put someone on a pedestal? And then we watch them tumble off. Splat. 

Thinking positively and having hope is constructive. We just have to keep our expectations realistic. When they are too big they come crashing down to reality.  Unrealistic expectations are setups for disappointment, disillusionment, and resentment. When we're too invested in a certain outcome, we tend to take disappointment personally.

Loss of Trust 
Another loss you may be struggling with is loss of trust. This includes the powerful feelings of disloyalty and betrayal. Can you see how losing your job might feel unfair? Or disloyal? If you trusted promises of security that don't materialize, it may feel like betrayal.

Loss Feels Like Rejection
There's another layer of complexity here. Each of these losses and disappointments can feel like rejection or self-rejection. Rejection is feeling "dissed" in some way: Disrespected for sure. Also dismissed, discarded, dispensable, discounted, or dishonored.

When you are wounded at such a deep place, it's hard not to take it personally.

You may perceive yourself to be a target. You tend to see someone's actions as a personal affront. You feel slighted, or wronged, or attacked. This is what taking it personally is all about.

And because taking things personally is related to feeling rejected in some way, you may find your fear of rejection intensifies as well.

When you feel an injustice has been done, you may fear getting hurt again. The hurt may become anger and resentment. When old feelings of injustices from the past bubble up as well, the anger can turn into rage.

Since fear is the underbelly of anger, finding ways to cope with your fear is a good beginning.

Tips for Coping with Fear
- Give yourself permission to be afraid. These are unsettling times. However try not to cross the line into biting the 'fear bait' that gets thrown out by the media and politicians.

- Put a name to your worst fear. Say it out loud.

- Talk it out with someone if possible. Hearing yourself say what you most fear works wonders.

-  Make a plan. It provides structure and reassurance.

- Try not to take disappointments personally. It takes so much energy. Remind yourself, "This is not about me."

Master Yoda says, "“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

More on our fears and their childhood roots next month. With more tips, too. (Unless something else in the news calls out for attention again.)

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

Accusations, Projections and Rejections - More Lessons from the 2008 Election Campaign

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
October, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
 1. Accusations, Projections and Rejections -
     More Lessons from the 2008 Election Campaign
 2. Projection – Spreading the Garbage Around
 3. Littering Along the Campaign Trail
 4. The Frantic Dance of Anxiety and Projection
 5. A Case of Self-Protection Through Self-Rejection?
 6. About Those 'Blind Spots'
 7. Getting a Handle on Projection
 8. Contacting Elayne
 9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Accusations, Projections and Rejections -
More Lessons from the 2008 Election Campaign
By Elayne Savage, PhD

Last month I described intense reactions from my coaching and psychotherapy clients to the negative election campaigning. Especially unsettling were the doses of distortions, unpredictability, threats and fear, distractions, deflections and denial.

If you missed the piece, here's the link:
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2008/09/index.html

These days I'm hearing about another disturbing effect of this campaign: accusations appearing in the form of psychological projection. Let's take a look at some of the behaviors and how they affect our relationships. These are my impressions and are not meant to be a political statement.

Projection – Spreading the Garbage Around

Psychological projection is when one person mistakenly imagines that certain thoughts or feelings exist in the other person that they cannot acknowledge in
him or herself. They may even blame the other person for showing these feelings.

When undesirable thoughts or feelings intrude we can get anxious. Projection is an unconscious way of protecting ourselves from anxiety. It is a coping or defense mechanism for dealing with feelings we cannot come to terms with.

One woman says, “When we can’t own our own stuff, we try to give it away. I guess you could say that projection protects us from ourselves by spreading the garbage around.”

Littering Along the Campaign Trail

Every day we see examples of projection on the campaign trail. Mostly it comes in the form of accusations made by one camp about the other. Accusations about voter fraud, health care plans, tax plans, negative ads.  More accusations fly about who is to blame for the economic crisis and who is associated with the big players in the mortgage industry.

And of course there are the accusations about the accusations. Whose ads are the most negative? Who is the most disrespectful or sleazy? The word used often in the media these days is "vile."

Lately allegations are also surfacing as infighting within one of the campaigns. Team members are accusing each other of wrongdoing.

The mass of insinuations and projections in this election have been unsettling to my clients. It reminds them of all the projections they have experienced in their personal lives. Unfounded accusations from parents, sibs, teachers, or peers. Accusations that didn't fit. And no wonder. The accuser was most likely talking about him or herself. It's hard not to take finger pointing personally. It certainly feels like a personal attack.

There is an old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing. When someone is pointing their finger at you, remind yourself that three fingers are pointing right back at the person pointing. The SNL folks got it right. It helps put things in perspective.

It's a reminder worth repeating to yourself:
"This is not about me.
This is most likely about the other person.
They are probably talking about themselves.
What might they be saying?"

The Frantic Dance of Anxiety and Projection

So let's take a look at how projection operates and how it affects relationships.

Anytime you have unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears your anxiety level can  shoot up. Your tendency would be to protect yourself from experiencing the anxiety associated with these thoughts and feelings. A common way is to unconsciously attribute them to others.

When thoughts or fears are too hot to handle we want to get rid of them. You might toss it over to someone else. Partners, friends or co-workers are handy recipients.

A Case of Self-Protection Through Self-Rejection?

When family or society deems something unacceptable, we tend to submerge it. We relegate it to the depths of our being. And because it's not safe to show up, these traits  become our 'shadow side.'

For example, Jerry grew up in a family where he was taught that his angry feelings are unacceptable. So he learned to bury them at an early age. As an adult he cannot acknowledge any angry feelings he may be having.

So he says to anyone who will listen, "I never get angry."  Well, he probably does. He just doesn't recognize the feeling as anger.

So what does Jerry do with this anger? How does he deal with the anxiety it creates? He might unconsciously project it onto his partner (or friend or co-worker.) He may see the other person as 'the angry one, the one with the temper.'

He may cue or prod or even provoke that person to get angry.

In other words, his partner is expressing the anger for him. While he is calmly berating his partner about overreacting, he doesn't have to experience the anger as his own.

He doesn't have to own his anger or see himself as an angry person. The anger that he can’t deal with in himself is “out there” courtesy of his partner. He can deal with it vicariously.

In a similar way, the “never sad” person sees his or her own depressed moods only in the partner. And the partner unconsciously conforms to the projection and carries the sadness for them both.

The "always honest" or "always dependable" person might see another person as untrustworthy or manipulative or unreliable. A closer look would show that these are his or her own unacknowledged tendencies. 

About Those 'Blind Spots'

I write in 'Breathing Room – Creating Space to Be a Couple': Parts of our personalities stay hidden from us because we learned at an early age that they were not acceptable to others, and, therefore, they become unacceptable to us. When we were children, we began to notice how we brought on someone’s displeasure by displaying certain emotions or behaviors. We said or did “bad” things that were rejected by others—so we submerged them." 
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

In other words, we learn to reject certain parts of ourselves.

These traits are so well hidden that they become our 'blind spots' and affect our relationships with others. When we can't see something, it's difficult to choose to change it.

Getting a Handle on Projection

Have you ever noticed how traits you can't tolerate in others are often the things you can’t stand about yourself? These might include your anger, your sadness, your tendency to be stubborn or flirtatious or too loud or pushy or competitive or controlling.

If you find yourself attributing feelings or thoughts to someone else why not take some time to ask yourself if you could possibly have the same trait. Could you be dealing with it by projecting it onto the other person?

In spite of the disturbing nature of the campaigning we can learn a lot about ourselves by noticing it's effect on us. Projection is all too common in relationships. It helps to get a handle on it. AND it would give self-acceptance a chance to flourish.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now. http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions
for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential. I
will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Elayne Savage

Workplace Nightmares Revisited

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
July, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Workplace Nightmares Revisited
2. A Sick Sense of Humor
3. The Saga of the Bell-Shaped Curve
4. Are Performance Evaluations a Set-Up for Rejection?
5. The Nightmare Comes True – Up Close and Personal
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Workplace Nightmares Revisited
By Elayne Savage, PhD

I really dreaded attending the memorial service for my friend
Bill last month. My workplace experiences with Bill leave fond
and rich memories. And I expected there'd be folks at the service
I'd be glad to see.

Yet, the amount of anxiety I felt was huge.

I envisioned being stuck in the same room with people I did not
want to see. People who elicit very unpleasant memories from my
days (years!) in Child Welfare in the City and County of San
Francisco. I didn't know who I would run into. I just hoped I
wouldn't feel the need to run out of there.

During my many years at that agency I felt unappreciated and
disrespected. And at times, even used and abused.

No wonder I was feeling anxious about seeing the old gang.

Would I run into someone who used to make my life miserable?
What if I'm sitting behind someone who tried to get me fired? 
What would I do if I found myself face-to-face with that
supervisor who orchestrated that memo announcing my immediate
transfer?

A Sick Sense of Humor

One morning when I was away from the office and with a client, I
got a call from my coworkers informing me I was to be immediately
transferred to another job assignment. The memo, signed
by the Program Director, had arrived on my desk that morning.

Two of my coworkers arranged to meet me for lunch.  We tried to 
reassure and console each other.

Finally, after a day of agonizing about what this transfer would
mean for me, for my clients and for my coworkers, we found out
the truth.

At 4 pm the supervisor in an adjoining unit, 'fessed up. "It was
just a little April Fool's joke," he said.

The word in the 'hood' was that he was trying to teach me a lesson.
I had recently disagreed with him about an idea he offered  at a
voluntary lunchtime ad hoc meeting. So folks thought he was
retaliating by writing that transfer memo.
He forged the signature of the Program Director.

It's interesting to note that no one even questioned that the
Program Director might send such a capricious memo. That's the
kind of dysfunctional place we were working in.

As you can tell, these many years later, I'm still upset about his
little joke.

Did I take it personally?  Well yes and no.
Coworkers were pretty sure the joke was personal because of the
retaliatory aspects.

I did, however, realize his actions were more about him and his
insecurities, then about me.

I was hurt mostly by the mean-spiritedness of it all. And upset by
getting thrown off balance by the unexpectedness of the
'assignment change.'

Old hurts can stick around a long time.

And thanks for asking. Mr. Ghosh wasn't at the memorial service so
I didn't have to run into him.

The Saga of the Bell-Shaped Curve

Another concern I had before Bill's memorial service:
What if ran into one of the supervisors who felt they had to
evaluate me as a mediocre social worker because the agency
evaluated employee performance on a bell-shaped curve?

I was many things, but I was sure I was not a mediocre
Child Welfare Worker.

As you may know, with the bell-shaped curve, any ratings out of
the middle range required written justification. That means an
outstanding rating or a poor rating means more work for the
supervisor.

Quite frankly some of the supervisors were too lazy
to write anything extra. Lucky for anyone who was a defective
employee. But this practice also meant our hard work in Child
 Welfare jobs would go unrecognized. Our strengths were not
acknowledged. We were not validated for the difficult and
thankless jobs we performed. In fact, by using the bell-shaped
curve our strengths were dismissed.  It feels a lot like
rejection!

It's hard not to take something personally when people distort the
truth to benefit themselves. Even if it's not intended, it
feels like rejection.

It's hard not to take something personally when you are
disappointed by the actions of people you look to for support.
Even if it's not intended, It feels like rejection.

I don't take kindly to rejection. I got pretty angry on that
Bell-Shaped Curve day.  If I remember correctly, I grabbed a box
of paper clips and threw them at the nearest wall. It made a big
mess.

You can bet a complaint about THAT action went into my personnel
folder that very day!

Are Performance Evaluations a Set-Up for Rejection?

Let's look a bit more at performance evaluations and how easy it
is to take them personally.

For some of us, Just having a performance review can be
nerve-wracking. Doesn't it just conjure up ALL the times from
childhood where some authority figure found you lacking in some
way. Or you feared they might.

For some of us, this is especially true of our experiences in
school.

So here you are face to face with your manager who is about to
give you a performance review. And all those old fears begin to
come up.

Truth be told, it's hard to sit there and listen to anything the
least bit critical without emotionally flooding. It's difficult to
stay grounded.

It's hard for most of us to ask intelligent questions to clear
up any confusion.
It's hard to sit calmly and check out what you think you heard
the other person say.

Instead, many of us go immediately to that old negative self-talk
place. It translates to some variation of, "What's wrong with me?"

-You may begin to doubt yourself and mistrust your judgment. This
is especially true when your superior's perception of your
performance differs hugely from your own.
-You may feel 'dissed' or demeaned
-You may get angry or hurt or both.
-You may feel blind-sided and betrayed by a manager you trusted.
-You may even tell yourself "they are out to get you."

What if I ran into the supervisor who wrote an evaluation
criticizing me for working during some lunchtimes? He was the
same one who complained on my evaluation that I was too tenacious
in doing my job. He actually tried to get me fired for that.

Bullying. Harassment. Hard not to take it personally.

Hmmmmmmm. It was pretty crazy-making to be criticized in writing
for the very same traits I consider my strengths. I would say
that tenacity and perseverance have been saving graces in my
successful endeavors. Especially publishing two books and dozens
of articles.

And what an energy drain it was to have to take the time to
counter such an evaluation.
Energy that would have been better spent concentrating on my
clients. Or myself. Or my family.

That's the thing about taking something personally and feeling
hurt and angry. It robs both work and personal relationships of
productivity and effectiveness. That's the point I make in my
speaking and training programs.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/programs.htm

The Nightmare Comes True – Up Close and Personal

As I stepped through the door of the Columbarium in San Francisco,
the first person I encountered was signing the guest book just
ahead of me.
Would you believe he was one of the people I dreaded seeing. A
perfectly nice man who was caught in the uncomfortable position of
being pushed by upper management to give me a hard time.

So what did I do?  I walked up to him, introduced myself, offered 
my hand and greeted him warmly. Once I navigated that encounter,
the rest of the day went pretty well.

I reconnected with folks I used to see but lost contact with. And I
connected with a few I really liked and appreciated but hadn't seen
in 25 years. And it looks like we're going to stay in touch. I'm grateful for
the opportunity. Thanks, Bill, for that.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

I included here a few stories about my difficult experiences
in the workplace. What about yours?  Do you have stories you'd
like to share. I'd like to hear them.

'Til next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions
for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential. I
will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Elayne Savage

Whispers and Roars - The Voices of Ambivalence

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
December, 2006

Welcome to the second issue of 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection.'

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Whispers and Roars - The Voices of Ambivalence
2. A Few Words About Ambivalence and Gift-giving Dilemmas
3. Tools for Taming Ambivalence
4. Contacting Elayne
5. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Please forward this newsletter to your friends, family and
business associates who would benefit from these tips.

If you received this newsletter from someone else and would
like to receive your own complimentary subscription, you can
sign up at http://www.QueenofRejection.com

1. WHISPERS AND ROARS - THE VOICES OF AMBIVALENCE
 
    By Elayne Savage, PhD

I wrote about my Fears and my Ambivalence in my struggle to
produce my first e-letter last month.

I talked about how The Fear of Rejection was the leader of the
Fear Team: Fear of Visibility, The Fear of Failure, The Fear of
Success and The Fear of Disappointment. Fear of Judgment and
Criticism were on the sidelines as well.

I described the warring voices of my ambivalence: The
disconcerting "You can!," "You can't!" The clash between the 
voice of confidence and the voice of doubt.

When I finally finished writing it, I hit the 'send' button.

There's More to the Story

I was also struggling with another quandary: How was I going to
present myself in the e-letter?

I studied other e-newsletters. Oh my, they were so 
'professional,' 'businesslike' and 'practical.' That's
how I wanted mine to look.

In my first draft I found myself imitating them. In a 
'professional' and 'businesslike' way I presented an overview
of my struggles. Then in a 'practical' way, I jumped to a list
of 'how-to's for dealing with ambivalence.'

Something was Missing

Informative, sure, but something was missing.

A small voice was trying to get my attention. "Listen to me,"
it pleaded. I ignored it. I was determined to put out a
'professional' newsletter.

Then something allowed me to trust my intuition. I made a
decision to share that early draft with a consultation client
who was dealing with some of the same issues. Perhaps a word
or phrase would jump out at him. It did. He thanked me.

And then he asked, "Would you like some feedback?" Sure.
Why not. He knows my presenting style. He's heard me speak
professionally in various venues.

"This newsletter isn't you. It's too formal. Your strength
is in telling your story. When I hear you speak I find
myself being drawn in. But not this time. Something is
missing from your writing."

I listened. He was absolutely right.

Somehow I'd misplaced my essence.

What happened to my voice? Where were my feelings hiding? Under
a rock? In a closet? In the basement?

I found myself too concerned about what others might think. I
lost my voice. It was drowned out by my anxiety and tendency
to compare myself.

I was rejecting my Self.

The Tag-along Template

I got caught up in trying to make my e-letter fit every one
else's template. I let myself be influenced by those very
impressive professional e-zines.

I was trying to compete.

I lost ME.

I wanted to find myself again. To accept and respect myself.
To honor and enhance my strengths. I made a choice to tell
my story exactly as I was experiencing it.

As I looked at my fears and faced them, I began to move
through  them. The moment I hit the "send" button, I
realized something was  different about me. I had just
developed a new relationship - with my Self.

Many of you wrote to say how you recognized the fears I
described - Fear of Visibility was a popular one.

Some of you told me you are starting or finishing a
project that's been a gleam in your eye for a long time.

And you wrote that you are beginning to understand your
ambivalence a little better.

Those Whispers and Roars

For some folks the word 'ambivalence' means 'love and hate'
or 'good and bad.' But there are many kinds of ambivalent
feelings and thoughts.

Ambivalence is natural to all of us. It's the presence of
simultaneously conflicting feelings, ideas or wishes which
compete with each other. It can lead to an inability to make
a decision.

It's a tip off you're ambivalent when you experience
uncomfortable inner conflict and can’t make a decision.
You feel stuck, like you’re straddling a fence.

You may find yourself experiencing a wide-range of
ambivalent personal and professional situations:

—Having trouble deciding which mail (or papers or files or clothes)
to keep and which to toss out

—Wanting to spend time with someone, and at the same time
wanting time for yourself

—Wanting a romantic relationship, yet not being quite ready
to make a commitment

—Wanting connectedness but needing separateness

—Wanting a promotion, yet dreading the added work hours
it would require

—AND related to this Holiday Season: Having trouble making
up your mind about which gift or card to buy.

2. A FEW WORDS ABOUT AMBIVALENCE AND GIFT-GIVING DILEMMAS

It's amazing how much anxiety comes from trying to pick out a
gift or greeting card. Fear of Rejection, Judgment and
Criticism run rampant.

Have you ever had this experience of looking for a gift or card?
You see something in one shop but you're not quite sure it's the
right thing. So you go to the shop across the way. There you see
something else you like.

You get really confused. You may even go back and forth between
shops a few times. You still can't make up your mind.

You may become anxious and upset because you don't know what
to do. You might even leave without buying anything. (Tips on
handling gift-giving dilemmas and in a future issue.)

When two internal voices start skirmishing with one another,
this conflict leads to uncertainty and confusion.

The confusion creates anxiety. The anxiety causes us
to freeze up and become immobilized. This degree  of
ambivalence surely isn't productive.

It takes a lot of energy to deal with these conflicting voices.
Wouldn't you rather put your energy in some other activity?

By moving past the ambivalence, it's possible to leave space
formaking  choices. Here's how.

3. TOOLS FOR TAMING AMBIVALENCE

1- Give BOTH voices a chance to be heard. When you're only 
listening to one voice you are, in effect, rejecting the other.

You might even encourage the voices to talk to each other. Out loud.
Writing to each other works too.

In other words, you'll be giving voice to both sides of the
ambivalence. You'll be honoring both voices.

One way to do this is to make two lists: a 'What
I Have to Gain' list and a 'What I Have to Lose' list.

2- It's probably some type of Fear immobilizing you. You can
begin to move forward by naming it.Is it Fear of Rejection?
Of Failure? Of Success? Of being Visible? Of Disappointment?
Of Judgment?

Try naming the Fear to yourself. Next, write it down. Then say 
it out loud. Hearing yourself say it allows you to see it differently
and recognize possible options.

(By the way, these fears are not only attached to YOUR early
experiences but also to family messages which are passed down
from generation to generation.)

3- Next approach the Fear with some detachment. I call it
'walking alongside yourself.' This means stepping back enough
to recognize when you may be starting down that old path of
doubt and fear. It means taking enough distance from your emotional
tug-of-war to create choices.

4- Then, ask yourself, "Do I really want to continue down
this path? I could retrace my steps and make the choice to
take the other fork. I can go down a different road."

5- You can learn more about your own early messages by asking
yourself these questions:

If I put myself "out there" it would mean  ___________________.
If I fail, it would mean  _________________________________.
If I succeed, it would mean  _____________________________.
Might I feel disloyal to someone? _____________.
Who would that be?  __________________________________.
If I feel too visible what might happen? _____________________.

Talking Out Loud to Yourself

Hearing yourself think out loud allows the space you need to
recognize your options.

Sometimes it's helpful to have someone else to talk to — especially
someone who is professionally skilled in guiding you through this
process.

Putting your confusion into words gives it a container and
definition. This allows enough space for choices to emerge.

And it allows you the space to move forward.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.