Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

Penn State: Breaches of Trust, Betrayals and Looking the Other Way

by Elayne Savage, PhD

What an abuse of power! How could it take 15 years before authorities intervened and someone did something to stop the abuse and protect the children?

New stories keep emerging about Penn State and Jerry Sandusky. And now there are accusations about The Citadel and Syracuse University. What are the odds there’ll be more?

You are probably familiar with the Grand Jury indictment details. If you want an excellent timeline, here's a link.

 http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/college/penn-state-scandal-timeline-sex-abuse-scandal-rocked-happy-valley-article-1.976843#ixzz1ddbvOb6N

Trying to make sense of it all, I began to write down my feelings. Like so many of you, I too have been touched by this story and found it stirred up childhood experiences. I'd like to share some of my thoughts with you. Perhaps my reflections will help you sort through your own reactions.

The most disturbing aspect of all this is the grownups' failure to protect the children.

 Wearing Blinders and Failing to Protect

Some of my visceral reactions are personal. But you might have guessed that. Childhood memories come flooding back – of all the times I felt unsupported, unprotected and betrayed by adults who should have been acting like adults, but didn't. Or couldn't. Or wouldn't.

Part of my response is professional. My coaching and psychotherapy clients want to talk about feeling abandoned by grownups who should have protected them. They describe the loneliness of dealing with the humiliation of abuse. How they were afraid to tell anyone. The distress that comes with keeping secrets.

Writing this has been quite a process for me. Usually I send out these e-letter/blogs after one or two drafts. This one has taken much reflection and many drafts.

Many of you know I'm a psychotherapist and workplace coach specializing in how not to take rejection and disappointment so personally. Do you also know my ideas on rejection came out of many years in Child Protective Services in San Francisco?

In over 25 years in private practice I've worked with hundreds of men and women who were abused as children. I've taught child abuse reporting to mental health professionals. And I was on a task force that defined psychological maltreatment for mental health professionals worldwide.

I thought I'd heard every story imaginable, on every aspect of abuse. I was wrong.

I was astounded to read how, for so many years, Penn State officials did absolutely nothing to protect children from Jerry Sandusky. No one stepped in to stop the abuse. No one made the phone call that would have ended it. Didn't anyone care?

Much of the heartbreak for abuse victims comes from knowing that others did nothing to protect them.

Family members, teachers, clergy, and other responsible adults often appear to be wearing blinders, obscuring their vision, perception and ability to do the right thing.

I'd heard many stories about parental inaction – not protecting children from various kinds of abusive behavior.

Clients relate how their parents would look the other way when they told them about being bullied or abused by schoolmates. Instead of comforting and protecting them, their parents would say, "You need to toughen up." Now, as adults they continue to be wary of others; not daring to ask for help when they need it.

Here's how one woman describes not being protected when her teenage brother abused her. It started at age ten.

"He molested me in his bedroom, which was actually an alcove off the main hallway. There was no door. Mother, going about her chores, would walk back and forth along the hallway. Now she insists, 'I didn't see a thing.'"

Maybe she was ‘looking the other way.’

I asked my client to find out if her mother might have been molested as a child. And indeed she was. Maybe she "didn't see a thing" because it might have stirred up her own painful childhood memories.

My client, now in her mid- forties, feels betrayed by her mother for not stopping the abuse. Like so many other survivors of abuse and neglect, this failure to protect affects her ability to trust. It permeates all of her relationships.

Looking the Other Way

The Penn State powers-that-be seemed to be ‘looking the other way' as well.

For a decade and a half University officials abandoned the children by ignoring, dismissing and rationalizing known actions of Jerry Sandusky.

The message was clear: the reputation of the school was more important than the welfare of the children.

Then-graduate assistant Mike McQueary reported witnessing the rape of a 10 year old in the showers by Sandusky in 2002. Unfortunately his information was reduced to "horsing around in the shower." No report was made to police or the child protection agency as required by law.

Nothing was done at the time to prevent Jerry Sandusky from molesting again.

What prevented PSU officials from acting like responsible adults?
How many other boys have been abused since those first reports?
What toll has it taken on the abused children and their families?

Hero-worship Runs Interference

 Why did Penn State officials do nothing for 15 years? John Baer, PSU alum and Political Columnist for the Philadelphia Daily News captures the political situation at the school:

"The zealous loyalty of its grads and the power of its deity, football . . . . the pull of Penn State football, to a large portion of the state, is nothing short of magnetic."

Baer asks: "Is it an extreme example of an institutional attitude? Evidence of an unspoken doctrine? 'We don't play by the same rules as other, lesser schools.'"

"Charges of a cover up . . . suggest a conspiracy of secrecy, one designed with a single goal: to protect the house that Joe (Paterno) built." 

Baer goes on to say, "the school grew a reputation for self-protection, arrogance and self-righteous superiority. The real world was elsewhere. This was a world unto itself: a better world." 

Was it this attitude of superiority and untouchable-ness that led to covering up these atrocities for so long?

Were they looking the other way?
Were they aiding and abetting?
Were they accessories after the fact?
Did they obstruct justice?

Rationalizations and confused thinking do not excuse actions like these.

How could they so easily sacrifice those young boys, simply to protect their sports program? What kind of reasoning did they give themselves that allowed them to choose not to protect children from further abuse by a sexual predator? 

How could their priorities get so screwed up?

From the Grand Jury report and indictment, we know of the existence of eight victims over this 15-year period. What will the final total be?

What if grownups had stepped in and stopped Sandusky's behavior in 1998, when incidents of sexual abuse were first reported? University President Graham Spanier is a sociologist and family therapist. What was he thinking?

The Long Tentacles of Abuse

Fear and anxiety are constant companions of abused children. For them, it is not a matter of IF the abuse will come, but WHEN it will it come again.

Abused children hold their breath, waiting for the next time, trying to steel themselves against the physical and emotional pain. This fear and anxiety travel with them into adulthood. The effects of abuse are often devastating.

 The American Heart Association presented a recent study linking childhood abuse of women to increased risk of adult heart attacks and strokes. In 2008, the Center for Disease Control found 772,000 children were victims of maltreatment – including neglect and physical, sexual and emotional abuse – but many more cases go unreported.

http://www.ama-assn.org/amednews/2011/11/21/hlsb1122.htm

Whether it is physical, sexual, emotional abuse or neglect, the messages we take in about the safety of our world and the people in it leave a lasting imprin

Trusting becomes a lifelong struggle.

More than personal relationships become damaged. Workplace problems develop as well. 'Personality Conflicts' are really about distrust, perceived rejection and taking things personally.

Rejection is the Underlying Theme of Childhood Abuse

Rejection is the underlying message running throughout all forms of childhood abuse and neglect.

Whenever sexual or physical abuse occurs, you'll find a psychological message present - of disrespect, degradation and humiliation.

At what point does the world cease to be a safe place?
How long, before self-rejecting messages start to take hold?
When does self-esteem begin to suffer?

The child receives the message he or she is worthless or flawed – valuable only for meeting someone else’s needs.

What a betrayal of trust when an authority figure takes advantage of a vulnerable child! And it is especially difficult for the child to refuse inappropriate advances when that person is a revered mentor, teacher or coach.

As one of Jerry Sandusky's victim's observed, "You just can't tell Jerry ‘No,"

A Glimmer of Hope

I'm writing this because I had to. And with the hope that I might raise awareness about the long-term effects of childhood abuse and neglect.

I especially hope this helps 'give permission' to speak out about being abused, harassed or bullied. The spotlight on the Penn State story hopefully will allow children and adults to talk to someone they can trust – even years after the incidents took place. This could be a parent, teacher, clergyperson or counselor.

When closely held secrets are finally told, healing can follow.

Here's where you can help out. If you find yourself feeling uneasy about the safety of a child and feel that child needs protecting, you can call 800-4-ACHILD.

Make the call and describe what you suspect is happening. You don't have to have 'proof' of abuse or neglect. That's up to investigators to determine. You can make the call anonymously if necessary, but please make it. 

What do you think? Would you like to have a dialogue about any of the issues raised here? I welcome your comments, your concerns and your stories. You can post under 'comments' on the blog: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com or email me at elayne@QueenofRejection.com 

If you want more information on rejection, abuse and neglect, 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' explores these issues in depth.

http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

 Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Personal and Repugnant Politicking

by Elayne Savage, PhD

Talk about name-calling and personal attacks! The live TV debates, campaign ads and media rehashes are loaded with so many rejection messages - slights, clashes, bitterness and harsh personal salvos -  you could lift them from my book "Don't Take It Personally!"

For me, the words and tone and body language bring up unpleasant memories of early bullying and other rejection situations. The dismissive posturing especially upset me. I could have easily written the dialogue from my own personal and workplace experiences. And it makes me extremely uncomfortable.

Come to think of it, I made some of the same observations during the last presidential primary campaign. Back then it was the debates between the Democrats.

And here we go again. The Republican Presidential Debate in Las Vegas was chock-full of shouting matches and innuendos. Everyone seemed to be taking something personally - and why not? It was personal!

It would be difficult not to get testy and irritated and defensive. Calling each other 'liars, and accusing each other of 'cheap shots' will do it for sure!

And defensive they got. The exchanges between Rick Perry and Mitt Romney are a classic example of an all too common  dynamic during conflict: 'Attack/Defend.'

When we feel attacked by someone, our instinct is to protect ourselves. And we often attack back. It can easily escalate out of control.

Whatever happened to Ronald Reagan's so-called 11th commandment? This was the rule that came into being when he felt so much intensity from personal attacks against him in the primaries. "Thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republican."

Looking Through-the-Rejection-Lens

This commentary is not meant to be a political statement. When goings-on like these are so upsetting to me, it helps to put words to it. Some of my clients are also expressing discomfort with the escalating attacks.

I'm sharing some of my observations with you as I experience them Through-the-Rejection-Lens. 

I don’t believe I’ve observed political campaigning with so many personal attacks - especially this early in a campaign. It seems the ante gets upped and the bitterness intensifies with each debate.

Here's how I see the debate interactions:
Accusing
Criticizing
Condescending
Attacking
Faulting
Smearing
Scorning
Slamming
Undermining
Slighting
Dismissing
Discounting
Insulting
Affronting
Judging

Do you have other descriptive words or phrases to add?
What kinds of images do these rejecting words conger up for you?
Do they make you wince as much as they do me?

I'd love to hear your impressions.

You can find the two most relevant blogs I wrote about the 2008 Presidential Election here:

About the Presidential Primaries: 

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2008/01/that-hurts-my-f.html

About the General Election:

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2008/09/on-a-fast-moving-merry-go-round-and-i-cant-get-off.html

Frantic Efforts to Save Face

I find it intriguing to watch each combative candidate frantically trying to puff themselves up in an attempt to look good.

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt so flustered, so desperate, that you might exaggerate the facts? Or even lie outright to save face? You might find yourself grasping at straws in a feeble attempt to make your point. Or maybe you were frantically searching for a way to protect yourself and could only pull up some below-the-belt accusations and innuendos.  I have found myself struggling with this too many times.

You could liken the presidential debates to the kind of destructive fighting that sometimes occurs in a couples relationship or a difficult workplace conflict:

The 'Attack-Defend' dynamic is frequently present. The person who feels attacked and vulnerable often defends against the attack by attacking back - sometimes ferociously.

When a finger is pointed and someone feels blamed, the tendency is to retaliate in an effort to protect.

I see this kind of negative interaction frequently when I work with couples or mediate workplace disputes. The exchanges are laden with  self-justification and accusations. They are often toxic and so is the air in the room. Neither party takes responsibility for their part. They are often loaded with 'toxicity.'

There seems to be a need to make the other person wrong and bad.

Clients also report how it reminds them of being young and how their parents used to fight. when they were young -  and how fearful they were about what was gong to happen next.

Evasiveness, Deflections and Distractions
     
When topics are uncomfortable, instead of sticking to the issue, folks evade, deflect, and distract by veering off onto other, often irrelevant topics.

Evasiveness can be especially unsettling to those of us who grew up in families where when you ask a question you never get a straight answer. The subject gets changed, the issue gets skirted, and you are left dangling.

From the days of the 2008 primaries, I've written commentaries about the viciousness of personal attacks in campaigning. Even though I specialize in dealing with personal attacks between people and hear hundreds of examples, the escalation of attacks during those eight months astounded me.

And here we are four years later. I'm hoping we don't get to the same kind of toxicity this time around. And yet, it seems to be galloping right along and getting worse with each debate and TV spot. 

We have a whole year to go before the election. What can we expect in the next 12 months? What can we do to stop it?

I welcome your comments and responses.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

The Horror of It All - Repercussions from Bullying

by Elayne Savage, PhD

Today I did an interview with Karen Walker-Tunoa promoting her book
on resilience, 'Getting Past Go.' It got me thinking about my
fragility - the opposite of resilience.

Karen knows me from our involvement with the National Speakers
Association. She says sees me as resilient and guesses I was
probably that way all my life.

Wrong. I tried to strangle myself in high school.

It took years as an adult to develop the ability to cope with
disappointments, stress and adversity.

That buoyancy did not come easily.

Maybe I had the 'makings' of resilience. But in my childhood, teen
or young adult years, I surely did not have the ability to bounce
back. I took just about everything personally.

The evening I tried to strangle myself, I passed out and released
my grip. I can appreciate the ridiculousness of that image now,
but it sure wasn't funny at the time.

I was targeted a lot in school and on the playground. I didn't know what to do.
My mother was dead. My father traveled in
his job. I was afraid to talk to our caretaker because she used to
bully me too. My brother, Lee, was too young to burden. I was
miserable.

I felt so alone.

Of course what I experienced then was nothing compared to how
difficult it is for teens now. The easy availability of the web and
social media make everything much more complicated.

Back then the attacks, taunts and accusations were not broadcast
for all to see.

The coloration of bullying has surely changed. Now it's more
extreme, more humiliating . . . and more public.

In my teen years, there was no such thing as cyber-bullying or
MySpace or Facebook or the sexting of suggestive photos. If there
had been, I don't believe I could have endured it. 

Cyber-bullying is easy and anonymous. And once the words or photos
are online, it's tempting for the bullied teen to re-visit the
site, each time, becoming more shamed, mortified and depressed.

A Chilling Year of Consequences from Bullying

And what a chilling year of consequences this has been.

Some of you know that over the last four years in this
e-letter/blog I've written many times on bullying: childhood
bullying workplace bullying and relationship bullying.

If you'd like to read more, here's a link to specific entries on
bullying:

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/bullying/

Since my last post on the subject over a year ago, something
horrific has been happening. There have been dozens of teen and
young adult suicides resulting from mean-spirited taunts,
harassment and personal attacks. The awfulness of it takes my
breath away.

These frightening acts and needless deaths really touch me. I'd
like to share some of my thoughts with you.

I find myself dealing with three powerful sets of feelings: 
First, recognition of the torment these teens must have endured
that they choose death over living with the pain.Then there's my
compassion for the suffering of the families and friends. And
finally, I'm all too aware of my own pain as memories come flooding
back of the times I experienced similar rejecting behavior.

Painful Memories Come Flooding Back

Each time I hear about these bullying episodes, my own teen years
reappear in living color. I hated the ridiculing, taunts and
harassment.  Yes, I took it personally. 

Try as I might, it's a struggle to be forgiving or understanding. To
this day, I resent the bullies who made my life so miserable.

There were times I felt I couldn't withstand another day of it.
Back then, I didn't understand that none of it was about my
behavior or my personality. Now I can see how the teasing and
ridiculing was really about things out of my control: How I
happened to be built. My religion. Being shorter then everyone else.

Looking back, what then seemed like incredibly hurtful taunts seem
pretty lightweight now. How on earth would I have coped back then
with the complexities of what kids now are going through.

Teen years are turbulent. Social pressures are intense. Hormones
rage, Super-sensitivity abounds, Just about everything seems like a
personal affront. And things can easily spiral out of control.

If only young people today understood what most of us come to know
as we grow up: That things can and do get better.

My book on rejection, 'Don't Take It Personally' is in many middle
and high school libraries around the country. Mostly because of the chapter
on Peer Rejection and Resilience.

I write: "Occurrences like these can seem overwhelming, because
the teens haven't yet accumulated the life experience that teaches
them things do get better, that it's not the end of the world. The
best thing about adolescence is that it's time limited. How I
wish these teens could believe that." 

And how I wish they could be with us today.

Like the seven students in Minnesota's Anoka-Hennepin School
District who have killed themselves during the past year.

And
Hope Witsell, Florida, 13, in September 2009
Phoebe Prince, Massachusetts, 15, in January 2020
Jon Carmichael, Texas,. 13, March, 2010.
Seth Walsh, California, 13, September 2010
Billy Lucas, Indiana, 13 September, 2010
Asher Brown, 13, Texas,  September 2010
Tyler Clementi, 18, Rutgers student, September,2010
There are probably others, too.

These teens are dead because they were perceived as too flirty or
nerdy or short or gay or different. And they were relentlessly
taunted.

It's reported that teen suicide was the 3rd leading cause of death
among young adults and adolescents 15 to 24 years of age, Another
unsettling report: In this country, a teen takes his or her own
life every 100 minutes,

And the Tears Come

Sometimes it surprises me when how easily tears come. It happens
when I hear about yet another young person killing themselves after
being subjected to ridicule and harassment. There are just too many
shocking stories of needless deaths.

It isn't so easy to push the old pain back into the box these days.
It swirls around me, creeping into my consciousness. There is a
young person's voice calling out to be compassionate and
understanding. I recognize that young voice as mine.

On the subject of the pain and repercussions from bullying, Ft.
Worth, Texas city councilman Joel Burns' "It Gets Better" says it so
poignantly. Perhaps you've already seen it. I've viewed this video
4 or 5 times now.

Joel Burns and others who are offering the "It Gets Better" message,
 surely are modeling resilience.

I hope you'll watch. I'd  love to know your thoughts. You can use 
the comment section of my blog:

http://www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com

or contact me by email, elayne@QueenofRejection.com

Here's the link to Joel Burn's powerful statement:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ax96cghOnY4

And, once again the Southern Poverty Law Center is way ahead of the pack in addressing this crucial problem.  Here's the link to an excellent Teaching Tolerance film which, by the way, is FREE to schools:

http://www.tolerance.org/bullied

And by the way, here's the link to my interview about resilience for 'Getting Past Go' -

http://formaximumperformance.com/interviews-2/

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

 

All Frenzied Up - A Look at Mob Mentality

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
August, 2009

 

IN THIS ISSUE
1. All Frenzied Up - A Look at Mob Mentality 
2. So Exactly What is Mob Behavior?
3. Witnessing Mob Mentality First Hand
4.  F.E.A.R. = 'False Exaggerations Appearing Real'
5. The Mob Mentality Morass
6.  Contacting Elayne
7.  Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

All Frenzied Up - A Look at Mob Mentality
by Elayne Savage, PhD

I don't scare easily. But when fear is dished out daily, it's hard not to want to protect myself from the onslaught.

I feel ganged up on. Clobbered. Pummeled. So much information and misinformation is being hurled at me. If I believed everything I heard, I might be scared to death.

There are so many threats being thrown about: How the government is trying to "kill granny." (Hey, that's ME!) That Medicare could be taken away. That I'll have to go before a 'death panel' and be told I have to end my life because I’m not productive enough (or something.)

Truth be told, this last threat hits home. But how did they ever discover my secret fear? How could they know I've been concerned about my productivity of late?  Let's face it, some days I'm not writing as much as I'd like. And I get embarrassed every time someone asks, "Where IS that third book?? And I, too, wonder why I'm not working harder to secure more speaking engagements? 

How did they ever discover that I'm turning into such a slacker? Sheesh. If I'm not careful, I'll soon be taking their threats personally!

The outrageousness of these threats might even be seen as comical. But they are far too scary to be funny.  What frightens me most is the viciousness of the mob behavior at the Town Hall meetings. The outbursts verging on hysteria. The misplaced anger. The hyperbole. The spewing forth of toxic rhetoric.

It rattles me to the core.

So Exactly What is Mob Behavior?

Here are dictionary definitions for 'mob.'
- A disorderly or riotous crowd of people.
- A group of persons stimulating one another to excitement and losing ordinary rational control over their activity.

Social Psychologists define two basic types of mob behavior.
- Contagion theory holds that the energy exchange and anonymity of being in a crowd causes people to act in a certain way.
- Convergence theory holds that like-minded people (people who wish to act a certain way) converge to form crowds.

It just crossed my mind that definitions of 'terrorism' and 'terrorist' fit here as well:

Terrorism:
- The use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.
- The state of fear and submission produced by terrorism or terrorization.
- A terroristic method of governing or of resisting a government

Terrorist:
- A person, usually a member of a group, who uses or advocates terrorism.
- A person who terrorizes or frightens others.

Hmmmm. Writing this is bringing back some unpleasant memories . . .

Witnessing Mob Mentality First Hand
 

 

I witnessed mob mentality first hand many years ago when I was a Child Welfare worker for the City and County of San Francisco. We initiated a planned work stoppage to make a point that we deserved a raise. Or more benefits. Or something like that.

Feelings ran high. The flames of indignation were fanned. The workers got all frenzied up. Some behavior became aggressive and unruly.

I watched helplessly as normally responsible and reasonable social workers became disrespectful, disruptive and irrational. Jekyll and Hyde-like they turned on anyone who did not agree with their stance. Suddenly everything became 'us' vs. 'them,' 'good and bad,' 'right and wrong.' The polarization was intense. They threatened, they bullied, they intimidated.

I watched as social workers flung themselves in front of municipal buses to prevent them from rolling. There were ugly shouting matches when picket signs weren't honored. Fury and viciousness were unleashed. It was out of control and scary.

Although I didn't support the tactics, I did support the cause. I agreed to leaflet the commuter bus station. I naively walked up to a queued of passengers and handed out flyers. A few folks got upset. One man suggested, "Miss, you just  cannot push information at people. You should hold it out and let them take it."

In those days I took everything personally. As I listened to his words I felt chastised, dismissed and rejected. Later I understood what a valuable gift this was! Thanks, Mister, for taking the time to teach me such a valuable life lesson on honoring respect and personal boundaries of others.

F.E.A.R. = 'False Exaggerations Appearing Real'

These surely are scary times. Many of us are leery of all the unknowns. Change is a huge unknown. And this uneasiness breeds fear. For many of us, the idea of change rocks our comfort level.

In the e-letters of March and April of this year I wrote about Fear, Anger, Outrage and Change.  Little did I dream how relevant these musings would be today. Little did I imagine the Town Hall meetings would disintegrate into such chaos.  I had no clue how these uprisings could possibly instill so much fear. Or how the media would pounce and inflate.

Little did I dream how out of control and hysterical folks would become. The flames of fear were fanned and populist rage exploded.

This nation has become so fragmented and polarized. What has become of the idea of  "one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all?"

F.E.A.R. is often described as 'False Exaggerations Appearing Real.' In other words, all too often fear arises through the prism of our misperceptions.

In March 2009 I wrote about 'Fear, Anger and Outrage.'

http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2009/03/index.html

In April 2009 I wrote 'Don't Fear Change. Change Fear.'

http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2009/04/index.html

In these pieces I define rage as 'anger with a history.' "Rage is an emotion beyond anger. The way I see it, anger relates to something happening in the present and reflects “now” feelings. By contrast, rage arises from overwhelming, sometimes unbearable feelings from the past.

These strong feelings arise from perceived mistreatment at the hands of others. Perceived injustices. Betrayals. Disappointments and Loss."

"Most often when you scratch the surface of anger, you'll find fear . . . Fear and anger are connected emotions . . . When we are faced with a stressful situation, we respond in one of two ways. By fear or anger. We can see the connection between fear and anger in aggressive behaviors.

The bully is a good example. The bully puffs him or herself up because underneath that tough exterior lies fear and vulnerability."

I wrote how fear has been galloping through this country at breakneck speed. Following the horrific attacks of 9-11, The Politics of Fear erupted, playing to our fears and anxieties. Terrorism. Anthrax scares. Gay Marriage. Immigrants. Disease epidemics. The Economy. And now Health Care and a new president who happens to be Black.

A culture of fear has been permeating and fraying the fabric of our country. Fear is in the air and it's contagious. And we feel vulnerable. Helpless. A small voice asks, "What's going to happen to me?"

I wrote these two e-letters several months ago. I didn't dream how the recent frenzy of fear and rage would make them even more relevant now.

http://00queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/29/03/index.html
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2009/04/index.html

The Mob Mentality Morass

Let's talk more about Mob Mentality. Social Psychologists prefer to use the terms 'crowd hysteria' or 'herd behavior' (think 'stampede.') The definition of 'stampede is " a sudden frenzied rush of panic-stricken animals. "

When humans are caught up in similar panicky situations, we too can be swept along with the tide of mob hysteria. Even though it may be against their better judgment. All too often mob behavior develops a life of its own, spinning out of control.
Like my social worker colleagues, folks with normally decent values may become infected with mob hysteria.

At these times mob participants lose their sense of self.

They become submerged in the group. They lose their personal boundaries. With the loss of this sense of separateness and individuality, comes loss of principles, personal integrity, and sense of responsibility.

In other words, they lose their moral compass.

Many factors can contribute to mob behavior. Here are a few:

- When people feel invisible, dismissed, not listened to or heard, they may react by puffing themselves up bigger than life and participate in mob behavior. By raising their voices and shouting out their fears, they know they are heard.

- If they feel economic opportunities are passing them by, they may be inclined to band together with others who feel the same.

- Mobs tend to view the recipients of their rage as objects rather than real people.

- There's a certain sense of security in the anonymity of a large group. It gives permission to say and do things they would not ordinarily do.

You can probably tell I've been pretty disturbed by these recent out of control happenings. It has helped me a lot to pull together some ideas and thoughts, put them in order to make some sense of it all, and share them with you.

I'd love to hear YOUR thoughts on the subject  . . .

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Fear, Anger and Outrage

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
March, 2009

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Fear, Anger and Outrage
2. Rage is 'Anger with a History'
3. Scratch the Surface of Anger and You'll Find Fear
4. Unrealistic Expectations are Setups for Disappointment
5. Loss of Trust
6. Loss Feels Like Rejection
7. Tips for Coping with Fear
8. Contacting Elayne
9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Fear, Anger and Outrage
By Elayne Savage, PhD

I was about to send out an e-letter on Fear and Disappointment. That was before the AIG bonus reaction headlines began screaming: "Outrage." "Outrage." "Outrage."

References to "Populist Rage" and "Bailout Rage" abound. Note how the word 'anger' is barely used. The operative word appears to be 'Rage.'

'Rage' is a powerful word describing a powerful emotion.

Let's look at 'rage' and how is it is different from 'anger.' We can then see if 'rage' is what we're really feeling. Or is it what the media says we should be feeling? Next we can look at the connection between rage, anger and fear.

First I want to give you my definition of rage based on over 25 years as a psychotherapist, communication coach and workplace trainer.

Rage is 'Anger with a History'
In my writing and speaking programs I define rage as 'anger with a history.' Rage is an emotion beyond anger. The way I see it, anger relates to something happening in the present and reflects “now” feelings. By contrast, rage arises from overwhelming, sometimes unbearable feelings from the past.

A distressing event in the present can become unbearable when it reminds you of past painful experiences. These negative events collect in your memory. Before you know it, you’re overreacting and feeling out-of-control.

Old injustices stockpile into a repository of rage, just waiting to be disgorged.
When a similar event happens in the present, the stockpile ignites and you are having an intense reaction against those past injustices.

These strong feelings arise from perceived mistreatment at the hands of others. Perceived injustices. Betrayals. Disappointments and Loss. Road rage is a good example of how easily folks can overreact.                 http://www.QueenofRejection.com/article_roadrage.htm

If you are aware when your anger moves into rage, you might be able to slow down the process. Ask yourself if you are reminded of an incident from your history. Does it conjure up images when a parent or teacher did not support or defend you? Or times when peers treated you unfairly. Or times somebody important disappointed you terribly.

Scratch the Surface of Anger and You'll Find Fear
Even though rage is 'anger with a history,' it is still anger. Most often when you scratch the surface of anger, you'll find fear.

When you find yourself angry ask yourself:
"What am I afraid of?"
"What might happen?"
Once you begin to get a handle on it, write it down. Then read it out loud to yourself:

"I’m afraid that _____________."

Hearing yourself say the words gives form, shape, color, and texture to the fear and makes it more manageable.

Fear and anger are connected emotions. The 'Flight or Fight' response to stress shows how this is so. When we are faced with a stressful situation, we respond in one of two ways. By fear or anger. We protect ourselves from harm by running and hiding (flight) or by becoming angry and aggressive (fight).

We can also see the connection between fear and anger in other aggressive behaviors. The bully is a good example. The bully puffs him or herself up because underneath that tough exterior lies fear and vulnerability.

Anger (within reason) can be a good balance to fear. Anger is energizing whereas fear is energy draining. Anger at the AIG bailout and bonuses may be serving a useful purpose. It may serve to energize folks when they are feeling depleted, depressed, helpless or immobilized by the economic situation.

The feeling of helplessness is the scariest of all for some of us.

So let's talk a little about fears in this shaky economy.

Apprehension seems to be touching just about everyone. It's contagious. One person catches it from another. How is it affecting you? As anxiety grows, a kind of paralysis sets in. You may feel helpless, afraid, immobilized, dazed, numbed, or stunned. It's sometimes hard to think or act.

Tensions are great. Stress is rampant. Relationships are suffering.

Loss permeates all of this. Loss of jobs is accompanied by loss of income and loss of identity. Loss of homes or savings is permeated with loss of security and loss of well being. And for some, there is a loss of hope.

Coming face to face with loss and the fear of loss is difficult. This becomes even more complicated if it reminds you of a painful loss from your early years.

Unrealistic Expectations are Setups for Disappointment
Unmet expectations are another form of loss. As a child did you feel disappointed in someone or something? Perhaps someone made a promise they didn't deliver on. Or you didn't feel supported or defended in the face of perceived danger. Or you found out you couldn't count on someone you thought you could trust. These experiences stockpile, just waiting for the next disappointment to occur.

Who among us hasn't believed exaggerated promises or engaged in some wishful thinking or put someone on a pedestal? And then we watch them tumble off. Splat. 

Thinking positively and having hope is constructive. We just have to keep our expectations realistic. When they are too big they come crashing down to reality.  Unrealistic expectations are setups for disappointment, disillusionment, and resentment. When we're too invested in a certain outcome, we tend to take disappointment personally.

Loss of Trust 
Another loss you may be struggling with is loss of trust. This includes the powerful feelings of disloyalty and betrayal. Can you see how losing your job might feel unfair? Or disloyal? If you trusted promises of security that don't materialize, it may feel like betrayal.

Loss Feels Like Rejection
There's another layer of complexity here. Each of these losses and disappointments can feel like rejection or self-rejection. Rejection is feeling "dissed" in some way: Disrespected for sure. Also dismissed, discarded, dispensable, discounted, or dishonored.

When you are wounded at such a deep place, it's hard not to take it personally.

You may perceive yourself to be a target. You tend to see someone's actions as a personal affront. You feel slighted, or wronged, or attacked. This is what taking it personally is all about.

And because taking things personally is related to feeling rejected in some way, you may find your fear of rejection intensifies as well.

When you feel an injustice has been done, you may fear getting hurt again. The hurt may become anger and resentment. When old feelings of injustices from the past bubble up as well, the anger can turn into rage.

Since fear is the underbelly of anger, finding ways to cope with your fear is a good beginning.

Tips for Coping with Fear
- Give yourself permission to be afraid. These are unsettling times. However try not to cross the line into biting the 'fear bait' that gets thrown out by the media and politicians.

- Put a name to your worst fear. Say it out loud.

- Talk it out with someone if possible. Hearing yourself say what you most fear works wonders.

-  Make a plan. It provides structure and reassurance.

- Try not to take disappointments personally. It takes so much energy. Remind yourself, "This is not about me."

Master Yoda says, "“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

More on our fears and their childhood roots next month. With more tips, too. (Unless something else in the news calls out for attention again.)

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

On a Fast Moving Merry-Go-Round — Taking the 2008 Election Campaign Personally

Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
September, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
 1. On a Fast Moving Merry-Go-Round —
     Taking the 2008 Election Campaign Personally
 2. Using My Trusty Through-the-Rejection-Lens
 3. A Trainload of Personal Attacks
 4. And Then There's the Lying
 5. Bullying Someone into Action
 6. Threats and Fear
 7. The Scariness of Unpredictability
 8. Evasiveness, Deflections and Distractions
 9. "You Can Fool Some of the People Some of the Time . . ."
10. The Trickle-Down effect
11. "What's Going to Happen to Me?"
12 . Contacting Elayne
13 . Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

On a Fast Moving Merry-Go-Round —
Taking the 2008 Election Campaign Personally

By Elayne Savage, PhD

It makes my head swim. There's a creepy rejection and deception energy swirling around as we lurch through this election campaign. It has an unsettling effect on me. I feel confused. Uneasy. Queasy. Scared.

Moreover, I'm realizing I seem to be absorbing this negativity. and it is polluting my work and personal relationships.

I'm hearing similar musings from my coaching and psychotherapy clients, friends and colleagues. They talk about being uncomfortable, "off kilter," "filled with dread." I hear phrases like:  "it's crazy-making," and "it feels like a kick in the gut." They talk about how snippy and snarly they have been with other people at home, in the workplace, in the marketplace. 

Me too. I seem to be edgy, taking things personally. Losing my cool.

Then I got it. It's the Political Campaign. We're reacting to and reflecting the outrageous behaviors and misbehaviors.  Picking up the energy of what's going on with others, and imitating it.

I began thinking this through, looking for the causes of these uncomfortable behaviors folks are describing.

Writing about it helps. Why not share my thoughts and feelings with you. so I include here a bit of an overview of some ideas I've been thinking about.

This e-letter is not meant to be a political statement. My descriptions are my impressions of some behaviors that appear to  exist and how they affect us.

I'm thinking that giving language and form to some of the  feelings that could be surfacing, may help us get through the election and beyond.

Using My Trusty Through-the-Rejection-Lens

So I took out my trusty through the rejection-lens and studied the creature. Up close and personal. That's the problem of course. There is way too much up close and personal in this campaign. There is an uncomfortable amount of in-your-face onslaught.

In the January 2008 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®, I wrote: "I don’t believe I’ve ever experienced political campaigning where there have been so many personal attacks. The ante gets upped and the bitterness grows each day.

I continued: "It would be difficult not to take things personally in this campaign. One personal affront after another is hurled through space. Not exactly 'Ready. Aim. Fire.'  More like 'Ready. Fire. Aim.'
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2008/01/index.html

When I wrote those words during the primaries, I didn't dream how much the viciousness of the attacks would escalate.

A Trainload of Personal Attacks

I've never seen an election like this one and it's really getting to me. every day I I feel contaminated by the negative energy of it. I hate the way it has been affecting my interactions with others.

Maybe you, too, find yourself reacting the way I do to this bombardment of rejection messages. And every hour of every day the press reports these out of control behaviors.

'Mocking' is the Word du Jour. But last week and the week before there were lots of other rejection words: Belittling, Scoffing, Slighting, Insulting, Faulting, Deceiving. Accusing, Attacking, Criticizing. 

Then of course there are the whole range of "diss" words that I often write about: disrespecting, disdaining, dismissing, discounting, disparaging, disenfranchising and the dozens of others.

The common denominator of these words is rejection. And rejection hurts.

I cringe when I hear these stories of people disrespecting each other like this. It makes me sick to my stomach. I grew up on the receiving end of subtle and not-so-subtle rejection messages. From family, teachers and peers. Perhaps you did too.

And Then There's the Lying

I used to hate it when I was lied to as a kid. I guess I've always been overly sensitive to untruths and half-truths. I'd give myself the message that I wasn't worth respecting with the truth.

I was unbelievably sensitive to lying when I was a child. I remember asking my dad about the wall calendar hanging above my grandmother's telephone. It was a picture of a large animal standing in water. I asked him what the animal was. He made up an answer. I guess that was easier for him than saying he didn't know.  But it wasn't easier for me.

I never quite forgave my father for that.

This election is so chock-full of lies, half-truths, evasiveness and exaggerations. I even  find myself checking things out with FactCheck.org every day.

Bullying Someone into Action

The current crisis of the economy reminds me of another critical message from long ago. Someone would be commanding me to "Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up."  In order to please and not get into trouble, some of us felt the need to drop everything and rush to action or into a decision.

My own discomfort rises as I watch congress feel the need to "hurry up." My stomach knots up at the memory.

Threats and Fear

It's not too hard for me to become fearful when something sounds like a threat. I grew up with lots of that. "If you don't behave, I'll leave you in the department store." or "Wait until your father gets home."

As you can imagine, fear-based campaigning has a potent effect on me. It sends shivers up my spine. It messes with my sense of security. And affects how I
interact with others in my life.

The Scariness of Unpredictability

If you ever experienced interacting with an unpredictable family member or boss or friend, you know how it feels to be afraid.

This campaign has surely had its twists and turns and excitement. However sometimes the line gets crossed with a bit too much drama. Frankly, I can do without it. It's a little too reminiscent of my growing up experiences. Sheesh.

Evasiveness, Deflections and Distractions

Another way this election is getting to me concerns the evasions, deflections and distractions. Some of us grew up in families where you ask a question but never get a straight answer. The subject gets changed, the issue gets skirted, and you are left dangling.

My brother Lee and I would joke that our father sometimes talked like he had a mouth full of cotton. Insulating and sound-proofing himself.

I find the attempts at election event postponements quite irritating. And many of my clients say it troubles them as well. Postponements are disappointing. And disappointments feel like rejections. Especially when we have certain expectations and are looking forward to something.

Some of my clients are reminded of growing up in a divorced household. They remember how they'd look forward to a visit from mom or dad. And when it got postponed and didn't materialize, it was devastating. There's that self-rejecting message again: "They don't care enough. I'm not worth it. I'm no good."

"You Can Fool Some of the People Some of the Time . . ."

For me, the most uncomfortable and confusing part  of this whole surreal election drama is the repeated denial of present and previous statements and actions.

Denial is becoming so rampant that I'm beginning to doubt my own eyes and ears. It feels like they are telling me I didn't see it or I didn't hear it.

It reminds me of growing up experiences when it felt someone was putting cotton in my ears or pulling the wool over my eyes.

Perhaps some of you grew up with these kinds of denials as well: "That didn't happen. You must have made it up." "I didn't say that." You really didn't have a nightmare, you're imagining it."

Scottish psychiatrist, R.D. Laing calls this 'mystification.' He describes it as a 'manipulative maneuver,' an attempt to "befuddle, cloud, obscure, mask" whatever is going on.

The child's feelings are denied and the child begins to mistrust his or her own perceptions. You might say this inability to distinguish the actual issues can feel confusing, and even 'crazy making.'

Laing's article begins with: "You can fool some of the people some of the time . . . ." 

I don't like being fooled. It brings back uncomfortable childhood memories of manipulation and exploitation. Certainly brings up feelings of rejection. And all too often, the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult

The Trickle-Down Effect

When I'm feeling affected by what the world is throwing at me, it helps a lot to remember the concept of 'isomorphism.' (Similar terms are 'parallel process' and 'social contagion.')

You’ve probably noticed how images in television commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example, a human face will change into a lion’s face or an antelope will transform into a car— right before your eyes.

Well, this is what happens with some interactions as well.  One process takes on the same properties as another. One contextual experience that may be old may be replicated by another experience in the present. Or two present-day situations may be similar to each other. It is a mirroring of one situation by another. A reflection of one by the other. We pick up the energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it. 

This is “isomorphism,” as we watch the character and temperament of one
candidate trickle down to staff and electorate.

Allen Roland - http://www.AllenRoland.com - calls this Rivero's Rule of mass morals. Where "organizations inherit the personality and moral ethics of the person at the very top." 

"What's Going to Happen to Me?"

The way I look at it, here is the bottom line for many of us. The experience of this campaign is similar to that of a child when parents are arguing, hurling insults, hurting each other. And in the child's mind, the family is falling apart right before their eyes. This is a very devastating time this can be.

And the child wonders, "What's going to happen to me?"

© Elayne Savage, PhD

'Til next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now. http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions
for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential. I
will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Elayne Savage

"Well, Bully, Bully for You" - In Politics, The Workplace, With Peers

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
August, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1. "Well, Bully, Bully for You" - In Politics, The Workplace,
    With Peers
2. Facing off with the Blackberries
3. 'Bullying Takes Twisted Turn for the Worse'
4. Memories of 'The Original Humiliation'
5. The 'Code of the Streets'
6. Bully-Busting Tips
7. Contacting Elayne
8. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

"Well, Bully, Bully for You" - In Politics, The Workplace, With Peers
By Elayne Savage, PhD

OK, so this August e-letter is just under the wire. They don't 
call me 'under-the-wire-Elayne' for nothing. No excuses though.
Nor am I  going to give myself a hard time about it. That would
be self-bullying.  That's not good. I choose, instead, to be
compassionate. With myself.

I guess I have bullying on my mind these days. I know I just
wrote about workplace bullying last month.

Everywhere I turn I hear bully stories. I hear the stories from my
coaching, consultation and psychotherapy clients. I hear the
stories from workshop participants when I present a program.

Bullying stories are all around me in surround sound. Work
related, school-based, Internet-aided.

On  top of all this, there are the amplified attacks on the
political campaign trail. Bully behavior.

Each time I hear a new story or read about the latest political
barb, it reminds me how devastating a bullying experience can be.
How deeply it penetrates. How powerful an effect it can have for
years to come. Even one bad experience. Especially in childhood.

You've probably guessed I was one of those bullied children.

Facing off with the Blackberries

Something happened the other day which brought me face to face
with the memory of those old hurts. I had a surreal encounter
with a blackberry bush in my back yard. I was stretching for that
just out of reach cluster of ripe berries. And stretching. Deeper
and deeper into the thicket.

Before I knew it, the brambles wrapped around me. Tighter and
tighter. The thorns tore my skin. It was pretty scary. The
tendrils took on a life of their own.

I was in their clutches and couldn't escape. "How can this be
happening to me?"

I felt  'caught' and helpless. Not too different from that
powerless feeling of getting bullied. I wasn't taking very good
care of myself to get into this situation. Much like the times I
got bullied as a child. I walked right into it.

I managed to extricate myself but not without causing lots of
damage.

Yes, I understand bullying. I'm often interviewed about how
bullying is a form of rejection, how easy it is to take it
personally and how it affects self-esteem.

'Bullying Takes Twisted Turn for the Worse'

Recently I was interviewed by Regan McMahon for a really
informative piece on childhood bullying. It appeared on the front
page of the Sunday SF Chronicle on 8/17/08.

It's well worth reading and has great resources. Here's the link: 

http://tinyurl.com/665ru4

Memories of 'The Original Humiliation'

With each bully story I hear, with each interview I give, I am
transported back to 'The Original Humiliation.' It was that awful
incident on the Langdon School playground in Washington, D.C.
when I was mortified in front of everyone on the playground.
I was 5 years old.

I describe this experience in my first book DON'T TAKE IT
PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION:

http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

"One day as I walked into school, onto the playground, the cutest boy in class came bounding up to me. He asked if he could walk me across the playground. (Me?) I was so excited--all the girls would

see me walking with him.

Then as we walked together, he asked if he could hold my hand.
(Hold my hand?) He chose me to walk with, he chose me to talk to,
he chose me to hold hands with. I was in heaven. Then suddenly I
felt a terrible sharp pain in my thumb, and he ran off.

I looked down at my thumbnail. It was bloody. He'd dug his
fingernail into my cuticle. It only took a split second for me
to go from feeling special to feeling humiliated. And besides
that, it really hurt.

It's said that we develop an image of who we are by the way we're
treated by others. If others treat us with respect, we feel
cherished and come to think of ourselves as loveable. If we're
treated with scorn, we feel reviled, and come to think of
ourselves as unlovable. When peer relationships are destructive,
scars form--that are not easily healed.

As you may have guessed, the memory of the playground incident
didn't just evaporate. It affected my ability to trust others
for many years to come.

For the longest time I kept wondering why that boy didn't like
me, what I might have done to cause him to do that to me. I'll
bet that boy had no idea he'd have such a profound influence on
my future social development."

The 'Code of the Streets'

We learn the rules of behavior on our neighborhood streets.
Respect is the essence of this "code of the streets."
Who doesn't yearn to be accorded esteem?

You learn the hard way that you're nothing without respect and
you do what it takes to get it.  On some streets this means
showing off by being the brightest, most clever or most cunning.
On other streets this means developing a talent for "dissing"
others by tough talk, bullying or aggressive behaviors. You
learn the importance of "saving face."

Growing up in DC, I was confused by how the 'lines in the sand'
got drawn in my neighborhood. One morning I'd be playing with
the girl next door. That afternoon her older brother would
threaten to beat me up.

Later the parents would lean over the row house railing and
spit on my front porch. . Did I take it personally? You bet I
did. What a bewildering and rejecting growing up experience for
a child. Bully behavior.

These were tough lessons, but I did learn from them well enough
to share my lessons with you.

Bully-Busting Tips

Here, again, are my tips for handling bullies (from the 'Don Imus
the Schoolyard Bully' e-letter:

http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/04/index.html 

10 TIPS FOR BULLY-BUSTING
If you find yourself on the receiving end of bullying, remind
yourself:

    - The bully is most likely not feeling very good about him
      or herself. In fact, he or she is probably feeling
      insecure, anxious, hurting, ineffectual, or vulnerable.
          Maybe all of the above.

    - When the bully inflates him or herself, this takes up a
      lot of space. Your space. Stand your ground and keep your
      space so you won't so easily deflate and feel diminished.

    - The best defense against a bully is taking action - any kind
      of action.

    - FIRMLY tell the person that his or her behavior is not
      acceptable. Ask them to stop immediately.

    - Try to separate the "then" from the "now." Remember if you
      find yourself overreacting, early rejection messages might
      be involved here.                          

    - Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Remind yourself
      that teasing is bullying and bullies are feeling neither
      good about themselves nor powerful in that moment. When
      they bully, they are only puffing themselves up to feel
      more powerful.

    - Practice speaking up about your feelings instead of
      harboring hurt and resentment. For example, "I heard you
      say "________________." 
      When you said that it felt like
      you were teasing. Even if you didn't intend it, I found
      myself getting confused and upset.  I hope our future
      exchanges can be free of that."

    - Take a deep breath and set your personal boundaries. Then
      state your position clearly.

    - You can allow them space to vent and express
      frustration. However, you do not have to let them become
      abusive. If they do, you can firmly remind them that their
      behavior is not acceptable.

    - And remember, the best way to get someone to give YOU
      respect is to show respect to them. Think about something
      you can appreciate about the other person. It can be
      something inconsequential. Maybe their choice of colors,
      their laugh, their eyes. Then concentrate on the something.
      They'll see respect in your eyes and just maybe it'll come
      right back at ya.

You can read more on bullying and how to handle it from my
March 2008 e-letter: 'Take Those Miserable Middle School
Memories . . . Please'

http://tinyurl.com/639zgq

The long-term effects of bullying are evident by the many of
Internet responses to the SF Chronicle Bullying article. And by
the emails I received. Lots of folks described how the article
reawakened memories of earlier experiences - often from
childhood. Memories that replay again and again in their adult
lives. Mostly affecting trust.

© 2008 Elayne Savage, PhD

You don't have to keep re-living painful memories.
Especially when they might be interfering with present day
professional or personal relationships.
Contact me to see if a consultation could be helpful to you.

'Til next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions
for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential. I
will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Elayne Savage

Workplace Nightmares Revisited

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
July, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Workplace Nightmares Revisited
2. A Sick Sense of Humor
3. The Saga of the Bell-Shaped Curve
4. Are Performance Evaluations a Set-Up for Rejection?
5. The Nightmare Comes True – Up Close and Personal
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Workplace Nightmares Revisited
By Elayne Savage, PhD

I really dreaded attending the memorial service for my friend
Bill last month. My workplace experiences with Bill leave fond
and rich memories. And I expected there'd be folks at the service
I'd be glad to see.

Yet, the amount of anxiety I felt was huge.

I envisioned being stuck in the same room with people I did not
want to see. People who elicit very unpleasant memories from my
days (years!) in Child Welfare in the City and County of San
Francisco. I didn't know who I would run into. I just hoped I
wouldn't feel the need to run out of there.

During my many years at that agency I felt unappreciated and
disrespected. And at times, even used and abused.

No wonder I was feeling anxious about seeing the old gang.

Would I run into someone who used to make my life miserable?
What if I'm sitting behind someone who tried to get me fired? 
What would I do if I found myself face-to-face with that
supervisor who orchestrated that memo announcing my immediate
transfer?

A Sick Sense of Humor

One morning when I was away from the office and with a client, I
got a call from my coworkers informing me I was to be immediately
transferred to another job assignment. The memo, signed
by the Program Director, had arrived on my desk that morning.

Two of my coworkers arranged to meet me for lunch.  We tried to 
reassure and console each other.

Finally, after a day of agonizing about what this transfer would
mean for me, for my clients and for my coworkers, we found out
the truth.

At 4 pm the supervisor in an adjoining unit, 'fessed up. "It was
just a little April Fool's joke," he said.

The word in the 'hood' was that he was trying to teach me a lesson.
I had recently disagreed with him about an idea he offered  at a
voluntary lunchtime ad hoc meeting. So folks thought he was
retaliating by writing that transfer memo.
He forged the signature of the Program Director.

It's interesting to note that no one even questioned that the
Program Director might send such a capricious memo. That's the
kind of dysfunctional place we were working in.

As you can tell, these many years later, I'm still upset about his
little joke.

Did I take it personally?  Well yes and no.
Coworkers were pretty sure the joke was personal because of the
retaliatory aspects.

I did, however, realize his actions were more about him and his
insecurities, then about me.

I was hurt mostly by the mean-spiritedness of it all. And upset by
getting thrown off balance by the unexpectedness of the
'assignment change.'

Old hurts can stick around a long time.

And thanks for asking. Mr. Ghosh wasn't at the memorial service so
I didn't have to run into him.

The Saga of the Bell-Shaped Curve

Another concern I had before Bill's memorial service:
What if ran into one of the supervisors who felt they had to
evaluate me as a mediocre social worker because the agency
evaluated employee performance on a bell-shaped curve?

I was many things, but I was sure I was not a mediocre
Child Welfare Worker.

As you may know, with the bell-shaped curve, any ratings out of
the middle range required written justification. That means an
outstanding rating or a poor rating means more work for the
supervisor.

Quite frankly some of the supervisors were too lazy
to write anything extra. Lucky for anyone who was a defective
employee. But this practice also meant our hard work in Child
 Welfare jobs would go unrecognized. Our strengths were not
acknowledged. We were not validated for the difficult and
thankless jobs we performed. In fact, by using the bell-shaped
curve our strengths were dismissed.  It feels a lot like
rejection!

It's hard not to take something personally when people distort the
truth to benefit themselves. Even if it's not intended, it
feels like rejection.

It's hard not to take something personally when you are
disappointed by the actions of people you look to for support.
Even if it's not intended, It feels like rejection.

I don't take kindly to rejection. I got pretty angry on that
Bell-Shaped Curve day.  If I remember correctly, I grabbed a box
of paper clips and threw them at the nearest wall. It made a big
mess.

You can bet a complaint about THAT action went into my personnel
folder that very day!

Are Performance Evaluations a Set-Up for Rejection?

Let's look a bit more at performance evaluations and how easy it
is to take them personally.

For some of us, Just having a performance review can be
nerve-wracking. Doesn't it just conjure up ALL the times from
childhood where some authority figure found you lacking in some
way. Or you feared they might.

For some of us, this is especially true of our experiences in
school.

So here you are face to face with your manager who is about to
give you a performance review. And all those old fears begin to
come up.

Truth be told, it's hard to sit there and listen to anything the
least bit critical without emotionally flooding. It's difficult to
stay grounded.

It's hard for most of us to ask intelligent questions to clear
up any confusion.
It's hard to sit calmly and check out what you think you heard
the other person say.

Instead, many of us go immediately to that old negative self-talk
place. It translates to some variation of, "What's wrong with me?"

-You may begin to doubt yourself and mistrust your judgment. This
is especially true when your superior's perception of your
performance differs hugely from your own.
-You may feel 'dissed' or demeaned
-You may get angry or hurt or both.
-You may feel blind-sided and betrayed by a manager you trusted.
-You may even tell yourself "they are out to get you."

What if I ran into the supervisor who wrote an evaluation
criticizing me for working during some lunchtimes? He was the
same one who complained on my evaluation that I was too tenacious
in doing my job. He actually tried to get me fired for that.

Bullying. Harassment. Hard not to take it personally.

Hmmmmmmm. It was pretty crazy-making to be criticized in writing
for the very same traits I consider my strengths. I would say
that tenacity and perseverance have been saving graces in my
successful endeavors. Especially publishing two books and dozens
of articles.

And what an energy drain it was to have to take the time to
counter such an evaluation.
Energy that would have been better spent concentrating on my
clients. Or myself. Or my family.

That's the thing about taking something personally and feeling
hurt and angry. It robs both work and personal relationships of
productivity and effectiveness. That's the point I make in my
speaking and training programs.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/programs.htm

The Nightmare Comes True – Up Close and Personal

As I stepped through the door of the Columbarium in San Francisco,
the first person I encountered was signing the guest book just
ahead of me.
Would you believe he was one of the people I dreaded seeing. A
perfectly nice man who was caught in the uncomfortable position of
being pushed by upper management to give me a hard time.

So what did I do?  I walked up to him, introduced myself, offered 
my hand and greeted him warmly. Once I navigated that encounter,
the rest of the day went pretty well.

I reconnected with folks I used to see but lost contact with. And I
connected with a few I really liked and appreciated but hadn't seen
in 25 years. And it looks like we're going to stay in touch. I'm grateful for
the opportunity. Thanks, Bill, for that.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

I included here a few stories about my difficult experiences
in the workplace. What about yours?  Do you have stories you'd
like to share. I'd like to hear them.

'Til next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions
for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential. I
will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Elayne Savage

Rejection Letters – Handling or Mishandling?

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION™
April 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1.  Rejection Letters - Handling or Mishandling
2.  Your First Rejection Letter Most Likely Won't Be Your Last
3.  Putting on the Pressure
4.  Confusing Boundary Confusion
5.  Confused Vicarious Parents
6.  Elayne Meets 'The Saint'
7.  Letting Parents Down
8.  Tips for Dealing with Rejection Letters
9.  Contacting Elayne 
10. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

REJECTION LETTERS - HANDLING OR MISHANDLING?
By Elayne Savage, PhD 

I participated in some media interviews recently that shook me up a bit. One was on bullies and bullying behavior for the San Francisco Chronicle. The other was an interview for Forbes.com on handling college rejection letters.

Participating in both of these interviews reminded me how most of us have to deal with these kinds of rejections throughout our lives.

Take the bully situation. My first being bullied experience was on the school playground. I was in kindergarten. I've been dealing with toxic people and bullies ever since. Not only do I live it. I also see it every day in my coaching and psychotherapy practices. And there's a reason my Dealing with Difficult People Workshop is so popular.

I've written about bullying in past "Tips from The Queen of Rejection e-letters:
Last month (March 2008): http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2008/03/take-those-mise.html

April 2007 http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/04/index.html

and May 2007
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/05/index.html

Your First Rejection Letter Most Likely Won't Be Your Last

Rejection letters are not only from college admission offices. You'll probably have to deal with rejection letters more than once in your life. Maybe from a job application, from a boss turning down your pay raise request, from the decision maker about a project you've proposed, or even from a gallery, editor or casting director.

The Forbes.com piece on handling college rejection letters is timely for sure. This is the month college acceptance or rejection letters go out. This is the time when everyone in the household is waiting and hoping for the arrival of a fat envelope from the longed for college. You know. Fat. Fat enough to contain all the forms to fill out that come with news of an acceptance.

But what if a thin envelope shows up in the mailbox instead? Thin enough to contain that one page rejection form letter.  How does the applicant deal with the disappointment?  How do other family members react?

And for that matter, who is more disappointed, the student or the family?

Hana Alberts, a reporter at Forbes.com, does a terrific job covering the college rejection letter issue.

Follow the links here to view the articles:

http://tinyurl.com/5ckqy

http://tinyurl.com/6cbck3

Note that Forbes did a series on college rejection so there are other links as well.

The Forbes reporter and I discussed struggles parents and students have during the application process. We talked about ways the rejected teen can handle the situation.

We also talked about the parents' tendency to become overly invested in the outcome.

Putting on the Pressure

If parents have their hearts set on a certain college for their child, they may put on the pressure. That particular school may not be the right fit at all for the student. Yet the parent pushes for it. And pushes and pushes.

What if the student feels pushed beyond their comfortable limits? What if they are unable or afraid to say "no?"  This is when continued pressure can feel coercive.

Why does this pushing occur? Some parents don't know how to separate their own needs from those of their children. Sometimes parents get confused about what is best for their kids. Instead, it becomes about what is best for the parent.

Confusing Boundary Confusion

For the sake of definition, let's call this type of confusion: confusion of personal boundaries.

The parents' needs overshadow the child's needs. The student loses his or her sense of identity by trying so hard to please parents, not wanting to let them down.

The student might feel like a non-person with no needs. Feeling like a non-person is a bit like feeling invisible. Like you don't count. Feeling discounted equals feeling rejected.

There are lots of situations where parents' boundary confusion occurs. The "hit-a-home-run-for-me" parent makes the softball game about him or herself. Their child's home run is their home run.

The stage-mom mom (or dad) takes on their child's stage triumph as their own. And they take it personally if their offspring flubs a line or misses a cue.

Confused Vicarious Parents

Parents of college applicants get caught up in this mushy boundary web as well. Their child's acceptance becomes their acceptance. A rejection is experienced as if it were the parent's own rejection.

Again, for the sake of definition let's call this type of parent: 'vicarious parent.'
And for the sake of being fair, parents are usually not aware of the vicarious nature of their interactions with their children.

American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language defines 'vicarious' as: Felt or undergone as if one were taking part in the experience or feelings of another

Dictionary.com Unabridged says: Performed, exercised, received, or suffered in place of another

Parents who tend to live vicariously through their children are usually a bit unclear about where they stop and their child begins. They encourage their children to achieve in a way that meets the parent's own unmet goals. And the goal is sometimes not realistic for the child at all. Instead it's the parents' unfulfilled dreams that they urge their child to carry out.

These kinds of dreams often propel parents to follow their own agendas, without regard for the best interest of the child. It's often about the 'performer' the parent had hopes of becoming: on the playing field, on the stage, in school.

When you get right down to it, the child might feel dismissed, disregarded or even discarded. Each of these feels like a rejection. And they are.

Here's how I describe vicarious parenting in 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection'

"These parents see their children’s performance in life as a reflection of their own competence. If the children do well, the parents feel like good parents, successful parents. If the children fall below expectations, the parents feel inadequate and shamed. Then the children are often made to feel inadequate and shamed.

The children may lose their sense of self, trading 'self' for service to the parents."

http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

It's the on the stage part that I'm most familiar with. My mother wanted me to be the star she never became. From the time I was very young, she pushed me into the spotlight. Sometimes I didn't want to go. But I didn't dare say no.

Elayne Meets 'The Saint '

My mother's first big push to make me a star was when I was 6 years old. I remember it was my birthday party. My friends and I were eating ice cream and cake when the phone rang. It was for me.

A man from the Washington Post asked to speak to me. "Congratulations little girl. Your poem just won our big contest for the new comic strip, “The Saint. Your prize is to read it on the radio."

I was very confused. I didn't know what he was talking about. I didn't know anything about a contest. I didn’t write any poem.

But my mother knew all about it. She wrote the poem. Making it sound as if six year old might write it. And she didn't tell me. She just sent it to the newspaper.

How was I going to read the poem on the radio? I couldn't read very well. Her answer was to make me memorize it. Every night after dinner I stood in front of my mother practicing the poem. She's say each line and I'd repeat after her. Again. And again.

I'll never forget the poem I didn't write: 

'I like to read the Post each day
To see what The Saint has to say.
His deeds and actions thrill me most,
That’s why I like to read the Post.'

The words were drilled into my head. Day after day. There was some very serious drilling during the long streetcar ride across town to the radio station.

At the studio all the gleaming microphones overwhelmed me. The booming voice of the show host made me nervous. I stood in front of the microphone, feeling like a fraud, pretending I wrote the poem. And scared to death.

The time arrived to say my poem.
I messed up. I forgot the words.

My parents were embarrassed. No, that really doesn't describe it. They were mortified. All their friends and relatives had tuned in to the station that afternoon. And their 'big star' daughter messed up and let them down big time.

Letting Parents Down

Over the years this same scenario replayed following dance recitals and plays. They would be especially upset with me when their friends or relatives were in the audience. Each time I’d see that disappointed look on my mother’s face. Each time I felt like I could never be good enough. Each time I felt let her down.

And that brings us back to the college rejection situation. When that too-thin envelope shows up in the mail, students sometimes feel that they have let their parents down.

So many people are waiting to see what the college admissions office decides. The student, the parents, the school counselor, relatives, friends. It isn't just the applicant's disappointment. It's shouldering the expectations and disappointments of what must feel like the whole world.

Waiting for a decision from colleges brings on another family situation. How do they deal with anxiety? Everyone has anxiety while waiting, but here boundary confusion again enters in. During stressful situations anxious feelings can get passed around from person to person.

For example, the parent might be experiencing memories of past rejections or disappointments. As the tension builds the teen may be absorbing their parent's fears and anxiety.

This situation is similar to the exchange of anxiety that occurs in some families on the first day of preschool or kindergarten. The child's own nervousness increases as it becomes a reflection of the parent's anxieties.

For example let's say that the parent is re-experiencing their own difficult "first day" at school. And the child picks up the tension. When this happens, they are not just dealing with their own worries but with their parent's worries as well.

Tips for Dealing with Rejection Letters:

• Remind yourself it's not personal. Colleges (or potential employers, or meeting planners or galleries are looking for a fit. It's something like auditioning for a play you long to be cast in. And even thought you know you are talented and terrific, you don't get the role. An actor I know reminds herself that not getting a part is no reflection on her talent. She has a placard on her office wall that reminds her:  'It's selection, not rejection.'

• Both parents and teens would do well to try to try to keep personal boundaries straight. To understand what feelings belong to whom. What goals belong to who. And what disappointments belong to whom. Passing feelings and anxiety around the family only adds another layer of tension to the situation.

• Labeling and expressing feelings of rejection and disappointment helps you to deal with the loss. And it IS a loss.

• Try hard to see that there is a future after rejection. Remind yourself that making good grades and transferring is always possible. If your choice of career needs graduate school, remind yourself that the graduate school attended makes undergraduate college have less far less importance.

• And again, here are the 8 Tips from 8 Experts For Handling College Rejection Letters - on Forbes.com:

http://tinyurl.com/6gbjln

I've learned over the years that rejection experiences, no matter what form they take, are interconnected, have similarities and keep popping up throughout our lives.

I invite you to write to me with your own stories and let me know where you would like to see Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM) focus in the months to come.

Until next month,

Elayne

© 2008 Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

9. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Take Those Miserable Middle School Memories ... Please

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
March, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Take Those Miserable Middle School Memories ... Please
2. The Many Faces of Discrimination
3. The Indignity of 'Cootie Catchers'
4. "I'm Really a Fraud"
5. Tips For Choosing to Act Like a Grownup
6. Contacting Elayne
8. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. TAKE THOSE MISERABLE MIDDLE SCHOOL MEMORIES
     . . . PLEASE
     By Elayne Savage, PhD

I just got hit with a rejection-flashback-triple-whammy.

Three recent events brought me face to face with childhood and adolescent experiences I thought I'd buried long ago.

Lynn Price was a main stage speaker at the recent National Speakers Association Western Workshop. She spoke with passion and power about growing up as a foster child separated from her sister. She is now internationally recognized for her work in child advocacy. 

As Lynn spoke I realized something about myself. I guess you could say I was a foster-child-in-my-own-home. After my mother died my father took a job traveling. He hired a live-in housekeeper to care for my brother, Lee, and me.  She was cruel.

Lots of feelings bubbled up for me as Lynn Price spoke.

But that was just the beginning. Two weeks later I attended a fundraiser for Challenge Day. This amazing organization provides programs which build connection and empathy for kids in middle and high school.

During the event, young people spoke of their loneliness, about feeling left out, being the object of name-calling and rumors, and teasing, harassment and bullying. As I listened I started to cry. Along with just about everyone in the room.

Truth be told, I was re-experiencing some devastating experiences from my early years.

I was sitting there feeling pretty sorry for myself. I was remembering that miserable young person who once tried to strangle herself. Yes me. As you may guess I lost consciousness. My hands dropped away from my throat before I could do the deed. It IS a funny visual. Now. Not then.

Two days later I had yet another powerful deja vu experience. I was being filmed for a documentary on childhood and teenage depression. As the director, cameraman and sound engineer recorded me, I shared stories from my work with children and adolescents. And of course, some of the stories were my own.

I talked about loneliness and feeling left out. I described how it feels to be the object of name-calling and rumors. I gave examples of getting teased, harassed and bullied.

My voice was cracking as I spoke. I think the director, camera and sound guys might have been affected by my stories as well. I could hear it in their voices.

Yes. Rejection hurts. Isn't it amazing how all these years later we find ourselves smarting from the sting of those early rejections. 

The pain never goes away.

And I can't push the old pain back into the box so easily this time.
It's been swirling around me. Creeping into my consciousness. Calling out for understanding and attention.

2. THE MANY FACES OF DISCRIMINATION

I had a similar experience writing the "Friends Today, Gone Tomorrow" Chapter on peer rejection in my first book, 'Don't Take It Personally!' So many long-forgotten memories were turning up. 

Some of the peer rejection I experienced was because I'm Jewish. Prejudice is hard to explain to yourself when you are a young person.

We lived in a row house in D.C. My best friend was the girl next door. I couldn't understand why her parents, aunts and uncles would spit on our porch. then one day Marian spit over the porch railing too. I was crushed. I remember wondering, "What I did wrong?" Why were they all so mad at me?"

3. THE INDIGNITY OF 'COOTIE CATCHERS'

Even one ugly action or name-calling incident can lead to a negative self-image that follows us into adulthood.

One day some friends and I were sitting around discussing how these
kinds of experiences stood out. We began reminiscing about the taunting that went on. Someone remembered the "Cootie Catchers."

Maybe some of you have experienced the Cootie Catcher indignity. Cootie Catchers are hand-folded paper origami-like contraptions. Someone swipes it over your skin or hair and proclaims that they caught cooties. Cooties are creepy crawly thingies, diseases, etc. that might be on you. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cooties

Kathleen shared a vivid memory,  “A boy at school called me the worst possible
name. He said, ‘Kathleen, you’re a cootie.’ I was crushed, and I’ve never forgotten that incident.”

Our friend Martin speculated, “I’ll bet you were a really cute little girl. Maybe that boy actually said, ‘Kathleen, you’re a cutie’.”

Kathleen’s eyes widened, her face softened, “Do you think that might be true? Do you suppose if I hadn’t been so ashamed and told my father what happened, he’d have reassured me and said the same thing?

You mean I didn’t have to believe all these years that someone thought I was a
cootie?

Trouble is, we don't tell anyone about what happened. We don't confide how hurt we are. We carry it around with us. Sometimes for years. And years.

Our self-esteem plummets, we struggle to trust people in our world. Is it any wonder we might even have work and personal relationship difficulties?

4. "I'M REALLY A FRAUD"

Over the years many consultation and coaching clients have said to me: "If you only knew me, you'd see how defective I really am. You'll find out I'm really a fraud under all my pretenses."

And sometimes folks want others to find out the truth. Unwittingly they sabotage themselves. The spotlight of disclosure shines glaringly on them.
I've been thinking a lot about this lately when Eliot Spitzer leaped into the news. Or perhaps you recognize yourself in the description.  I know I do.

5. TIPS FOR CHOOSING TO ACT LIKE A GROWNUP

OK, so what can we do to not get so mired in those miserable memories?
What can we do to stay in the present and function in our adult selves?

Here are some considerations:

- Can you appreciate that two sides of you may co-exist?
There is the young, sometimes defenseless person. And there is the grownup.

- Can you appreciate the attributes of each?

- Can you empathize with (and even embrace) that young part of you?

- Can you show compassion rather than contempt for that sometimes helpless person?

- Can you walk alongside yourself. Give yourself some breathing room. Create enough distance so you are not feeling overwhelmed by those often powerful young feelings.

- Which part of you do you WANT to experience now?  Can you make that choice?

Until next time,
Elayne

© 2008  Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'™
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

"That Hurts My Feelings"

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
January, 2008

Welcome to the 15th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM)

IN THIS ISSUE
1. A Thank-you Note from Hillary Clinton
2. Sticks and Stones . . .
3. How We Take Things Personally - Let Me Count the Ways
4. If You Win, Do I Lose?
5. So What Can You Do About It?
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. A THANK-YOU NOTE FROM HILLARY CLINTON

I have a note from Hillary Clinton, thanking me for my first book,
DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! The book was passed along to
her by Tipper Gore. The note, dated August 12, 1999, is written on
creamy stationary; the signature is bold and blue. The  letterhead
says simply, The White House, Washington, D.C.

I sure hope Hillary has a chance to re-read this book.  It will
come in mighty handy during this campaign.

During the New Hampshire TV debate Charlie Gibson's colleague,
Scott Spradling, asked Senator Clinton, "What can you say to the
voters of New Hampshire on this stage tonight who see your resume
and like it but are hesitating on the likeability issue, where they
seem to like Barack Obama more?"

After a beat, Hillary acknowledged, "Well, that hurts my feelings."

And for a moment, it seemed her guard came down. For a moment
it seemed she was like the rest of us. We all have feelings that
sometimes get hurt.

Well, how about that? Hillary Clinton's feelings can get hurt. Like
yours or mine.
I can identify.  My feelings get hurt all the time.
And I bet some of you have been there too.

2. STICKS AND STONES . . .

The press is using some powerful words to to describe the current
political sparring. It's as if these words have jumped right off of
the pages of my books, articles, and seminar notes:

- Slighting
- Dismissing
- Discounting
- Discrediting
- Insulting
- Mocking
- Hurting
- Offending
- Affronting
- Judging
- Faulting
- Sniping
- Accusing
- Attacking
- Slamming
- Criticizing
- Smearing
- Bullying
- Humiliating

These are, or course, all facets of rejection. Do the images they
conjure up make you wince as much as they do me?

Some folks say Senator Clinton's surprising win in N.H. vote was
because she was close to tears the following day. I'm not so sure it
was just that.  I have my own theory about why votes swung to her.

I think her admission about hurt feelings touched many people.

Haven't most of us have experienced similar feelings?
Especially when we are confronted, embarrassed, or mortified in
public.

This e-letter is not meant to be a political statement.  However, I
don't believe I've ever experienced political campaigning where
there have been so many personal attacks. The ante gets upped and
and the bitterness grows each day.

It would be difficult not to take things personally in this
campaign. One personal affront after another is hurled through
space. Not exactly Ready. Aim. Fire.  More like Ready. Fire. Aim.

3. HOW WE TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY - LET ME COUNT THE WAYS

Let's look at some of the ways we take things personally:

-  Taking offense at and overreacting to perceived slights

-  Tending to believe there is intent even if there is not.

-  Taking things the wrong way, or taking things the right way but
   your feelings get easily hurt. 

-  Believing folks are taking sides -- for you or against
   you. 

-  Getting upset when other people don't see things the way you do. 

-  Feeling unfairly criticized, blamed or disrespected

-  Feeling slighted or wronged or even attacked.

-  Developing hurt feelings and misunderstandings

Taking things personally can lead to misunderstandings and hurt
feelings, disappointments, and breakdowns in communication.  It's
been known to lead to termination of jobs, friendships, and
romances. 

When we feel attacked, we mobilize to defend . . . and the battle
lines are drawn.

Sound familiar?

4. IF YOU WIN, DO I LOSE?

It's very easy in the arena of politics to draw battle lines.
Discussing politics with friends or family is all too often a
set-up for rejection and taking things personally. 

These "discussions" soon turn into arguments. Issues become
"right" or "wrong." People become polarized, "I'm right, you're wrong," or
"If you're right, that might make me wrong -- and I can't stand to be
wrong."

This polarization is not only playing out in the family arena. Now
it has expanded to the national arena. Candidate pitted against
candidate. Voter against voter.

5. SO WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

First of all, learn to identify when you're taking something
personally and determine if rejection is the issue.  When you know
what it is you' re feeling, you can do something about changing it.
You might start with asking yourself a few questions to gain some
distance from the "charge."

    -  Am I taking this personally?  How?

    -  Is there any cause for me to feel threatened?
    -  Am I feeling rejected in some way?

Then practice "dis-identifying," taking a step back, staying
objective and detached.  Not easy to do, of course.  However
do-able with practice.

Using a little light humor helps a lot.  After all, isn't that
exactly what Hillary Clinton did after she acknowledged how she
felt about the "likeability" issue?

© Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Wishing you a wonderful New Year.
Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

"I've Never Felt So Mortified!"

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
June, 2007

IN THIS ISSUE
1. I've Never Felt So Mortified!"
2. Shame and Humiliation Take Over in a Flash
3. Remind Yourself: "It's Embarrassment and Not Shame"
4. Tips for Handling Humiliation and Shame
5. Getting Your Energy Flowing Again
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. "I'VE NEVER FELT SO MORTIFIED!"   
   By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

For some of us, getting embarrassed can be, well, so embarrassing.
Blushing. Flushing. Stammering. Feeling disconcerted and a bit
ridiculous.

Some of us, however, skip over embarrassment and go straight to
mortification, and humiliation And yes, even to that agonizing
place of shame.

Maybe you blurted something out without thinking. Or you gave the
wrong answer at a meeting or a class. Or maybe you neglected to
ask about something important. Or you weren't thinking clearly
and made a mistake placing an order.

Several years ago, I got confused at the counter when I was placing
an order for coffee beans. I asked for many pounds of my own special
blend of beans than I wanted. When I realized my mistake, I not only
turned red, but I “flooded.” Panic washed over me. I couldn’t think
straight. I was a “bad” little girl again and someone was going to
judge me. The coffee people were gracious, and didn’t ask me to pay
for my mistake. But I paid for it in other ways — my “badness”
intruded on my thoughts for a few days, until I regained control.

2. SHAME AND HUMILIATION TAKE OVER IN A FLASH

Shame and humiliation are overwhelming feelings for many of us. They
can take over in a flash. Shame's claim to fame is feeling exposed as deficient. We feel painfully diminished.

It's this feeling of exposure that causes intense feelings for most
of us.
Public exposure can be in front of anyone, including friends or
family. Even in front of children.

Usually this feeling of being exposed is not an isolated incident.
It usually dates back to something a teacher said to embarrass
us in front of the class. Or an aunt or uncle teasing us at the
Thanksgiving dinner table. Or running ahead of the group at the
amusement park and getting chastised by a parent.

If embarrassment would just know it's job and stick to it,
everything would be OK. Maybe a little blushing. Or feeling
uncomfortable. Or self-conscious. Or awkward. That would be a
bit easier to handle.

The intrusion of shame into this scenario carries more of an
emotional charge than feeling embarrassed. Yet, shame may not
be necessary to deal with the situation that just occurred.

3. REMIND YOURSELF: "IT'S EMBARRASSMENT AND NOT SHAME"

Try thinking of a situation as embarrassing rather than shameful
or humiliating. Often a feeling of embarrassment is all that’s
warranted. The situation doesn’t call for any more than that. Try
repeating to yourself, “I’m only feeling embarrassed.”

In the same vein, if you make a mistake you don’t have to tell
yourself you’re a failure. Okay, so you screwed up—maybe you
misspoke or made a misstep, a miscalculation, an omission, an
oversight. But this doesn’t mean you’re a freak or a failure.

These are self-rejecting responses.

4. TIPS FOR HANDLING HUMILIATION AND SHAME

Here are some ways you can handle your embarrassment when it moves
into humiliation or shame. Especially when you find yourself
emotionally 'flooding.'

You can learn to create distance when you find yourself in
overwhelming situations. By finding a way to avoid the flood of
emotions that may be swirling around you, you can begin to think
more clearly.

1) The easiest approach is counting to ten slowly. It really works
to pull yourself out of the situation and give yourself just enough
distance to regain your balance.

2) Another approach is to say to yourself, “I’m only feeling
embarrassment here, not shame. Just because I’m embarrassed
doesn’t meant I’m ashamed.” Shame and embarrassment are not
the same feeling. Learn to recognize the difference and try to
keep them separate.

3) As soon as I feel any kind of embarrassment coming on I
use this approach. I laugh at myself before anyone else can.
I’ve developed a kind of giggle that pops out whenever I
start to feel embarrassed. It puts me back in control of
the situation and sidesteps potentially embarrassing moments
from moving into the realm of shame.

As I practiced, I discovered I wasn’t really laughing at myself.
It was more like I was laughing with myself. Once I began to
lighten up everything changed—I found I wasn’t taking things
so personally.

4) A fourth technique is to say to yourself, “I don’t have to
deal with this input now. I’ll put it on ‘tape delay’ and play
it back later. A variation would be to jot down the other person’s
words if pen and paper are handy and tell yourself you’ll deal
with them later.

5) Another way to protect yourself from emotional overload is to
visualize a plastic bubble around yourself where nothing can hurt
you. You have the ability to install or remove the bubble at will.
Nobody can get to you while the bubble is in place. And nobody
knows it is there but you. Imagining a plastic shield in front
of you works too.

6) You might experiment with using imagery to sort out those
jumbled feelings. It helps me to see my feelings as tangled
up gold chains. I once read a household hint that suggests
putting knotted chains on waxed paper, adding a few drops of
mineral oil, and gently moving them around with two straight
pins until they untangle.

This not only works for chains, it works for feelings as well.
It has been a useful image for me to keep handy.
Try visualizing this image the next time you feel all
tangled up.

5. GETTING YOUR ENERGY FLOWING AGAIN

The key is to find ways to untangle and get out of that
state of paralysis. The key is to get your energy flowing
again.

A woman I know who is trained in massage knows about unblocking
energy and moving it around. She taught me how she gets her
energy flowing again. 

Whenever she wants to move from a negative place into a positive
place, she visualizes a honeycomb. The energy takes the form of
warm, thick, sweet, amber-colored liquid, constantly moving
through the interconnected tunnels. As the energy flows, a
wondrous transformation takes place. She notices how the
negative messages of childhood take on new qualities as
they flow from space to space.

As the energy changes from life-depleting to life-sustaining,
it provides sustenance, allowing room for her needs and wants,
and encouraging clear boundaries.

Then the energy develops new vitality, permitting choices and
enhancing good communication. And it keeps on moving and flowing.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

It's Not Easy Being Green - The Heartache of Being 'Different'

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
May, 2007

IN THIS ISSUE
1. "It's Not Easy Being Green - The Heartache of Being 'Different'
2. The Effects of Teasing, Taunting and Ostracizing
3. Virginia Tech and Cho Seung-Hui's Two Plays.
4. Memories of Columbine and Even The Menendez Brothers
5. Rage is "Anger with a History"
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription

1. IT'S NOT EASY BEING GREEN - THE HEARTACHE OF BEING 'DIFFERENT'
   By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Last month I wrote about bullying behavior and the damage it can do.
A couple of days later the killing rampage occurred at Virginia Tech.

So this month, let's take a look at the effects on someone who is
teased or ignored because they are "different." As Kermit the frog
says, "It's not easy being green." 

2, The Effects of Teasing, Taunting and Ostracizing

All too many of school violence situations happen when someone has
been repeated teased, taunted and/or ostracized. Then at some point
a few decide they are "just not going to take it anymore."

Perhaps their misery is so great they contemplate killing themselves.
Perhaps with their fuzzy thinking, killing others gives them reason
to kill themselves. Or to let police bullets do it for them.

Of course, many children and young adults are teased by schoolmates.
Most have  enough resiliency to bend without breaking. But some are
more brittle.

In 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' I
quote from Ronald Rohner's studies of worldwide rejection. He found
three important characteristics contribute to resiliency in children.
These are: development of a sense of self, self-determination,
and the capacity to depersonalize.” To me, this means they don't take
things so personally.

http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

3. Virginia Tech and Cho Seung-Hui's Two Plays

Just after the Virginia Tech killings I had the opportunity to read Cho
Seung-Hui's two short plays. I was handed both eight page plays by
KTVU reporter Ken Wayne, just before he interviewed me for a Bay Area
TV newscast.

I quickly read the plays, then we talked about them as the camera rolled.

Here's the link to the news clip.
http://www.ktvu.com/video/12345827/index.html -The Ken Wayne Interview

This was one of the most difficult interviews I've ever given. At the
time, we still knew very little about the killer or about what happened.
The video tapes had not yet been released. I'm always careful
not to speculate when I don't have enough facts in front of me.

4. Memories of Columbine and Even the Menendez Brothers

AND this brought back memories of the day the Columbine killings
occurred.

I went on the air for 4 hours that evening with a Denver radio host. We were
trying to help folks make some sense of what had happened that day in
Littleton, Colorado.

The killings at Columbine High School are in part the result of two students
being teased, taunted and ostracized by classmates for being 'different.'

Both described  injustices done to them by a handful of students. Reportedly,
a friend says the two would often joke about getting revenge, saying, "It’s time
to get back at the school.”

“They were tired of those who were insulting them, harassing them.
They weren’t going to take this anymore, and they wanted to stop it.
Unfortunately, that’s what they did.” 

As Kermit reminds us, "It's not easy being green."

Dylan Klebold was described as a shy, quiet loner with few friends.
He wrote about killing himself. 

Eric Harris once wrote: "I hate you people for leaving me out of so
many fun things." 

On April 20, 1999, they armed themselves with shotguns, handguns
and a semi-atomatic. They tormented and killed twelve classmates
and a teacher.

I am also reminded of another gruesome killing incident when Erik and
Lyle Menendez brutally killed both parents.

I remember their Aunt's testimony during the trial. She described how she
lived across the street. Often the boys, then toddlers, would cross the street by themselves in the morning because they  were hungry. Their mother was
reportedly sleeping off too much booze the night before and did not get up
to take care of them.

The image of toddlers crossing the street alone to find food has stayed
with me all these years. Toddlers!

Of course the stories we heard in the media addressed the more
obvious allegations of physical and sexual abuse by the father.

Their mother not only failed to protect them from their father,
but she neglected their physical needs as well.

Here again I had the opportunity to appear on a national TV talk show.
And again I was attempting to help the public better understand how
this kind of brutal, horrific violence could have occurred.

The Menendez killings are another example where perceived injustices
bring on anger and violent rage.

Surely, neglect, emotional, physical or sexual abuse does not give
someone the right to kill.

Yet, understanding the abusive conditions can help us understand
the feelings of injustice and anger or rage that lead to these
killings.

5. Rage is Anger with a History

My definition of rage is “anger with a history.” Rage is an emotion
beyond anger. Anger relates to something happening in the present
and reflects “now” feelings. By contrast, rage arises from
overwhelming, often unbearable feelings from the past. It often
arises from perceived mistreatment at the hands of others. Perceived injustices.

Ever since I read Cho's plays I've been unable to get the obvious
pain of the killer out of my mind.

The Virginia Tech killings were horrific. The plays were also
horrific. Quite a few commentators have talked about the bloody
descriptions and anger contained in the works.

Yet, I saw something else as well. As I was reading the vivid
descriptions about wanting to kill people, I realized that rage
was not the only theme in these plays. Both describe a young
person being sexually violated by older men, one a teacher.

And not surprising, former high school classmates describe how
Cho was mocked and laughed at for his shyness and the way he
talked.

Yes, "its not easy being green."

There is a high price paid in the school yard for being different.
Being green seems to be an invitation for rejection and the
emotional pain that goes along with it.

Seems to me, we could try to be just a little more respectful to
each other.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, PhD

On a personal note: I'm off to Denver today to present a program on
Rejecting Rejection: Don't Take It Personally! for the Colorado
National Speakers Association.   

'Til next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Don Imus, The Schoolyard Bully

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
April, 2007

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Don Imus, the Schoolyard Bully
2. Taking Bullying Personally - It Starts in the Sandbox
3. Why Do Bullies Bully?
4. Tips for Bully-Busting
5. Contacting Elayne
6. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Please feel free to forward this newsletter to your friends,
family and business associates who would benefit from these tips.

If you received this newsletter from someone else and would
like to receive your own complimentary subscription, you can
sign up at http://www.QueenofRejection.com

1.  Don Imus, The Schoolyard Bully
     By Elayne Savage, PhD

I was writing this April newsletter on workplace bullying.
Several of you suggested the topic.

Then the Don Imus fiasco happened. I listened to commentators
discuss the meaning of it all: the blatant racial and sexual slurs,
the inappropriateness, the outrageousness of it all. But something
was missing. The bullying factor.

Have you noticed the recent onslaught of bullying on radio,
TV and blogs? I got all fired up about the need to address it

So I adjusted my original topic a bit - from workplace bullying to
airwave  bullying. The components are essentially the same.

Imus reminds me of all the schoolyard bullies I've known since
kindergarten: arrogant, demeaning, insulting, coercive, assaultive,
contemptuous, belittling, picking fights, and taking cheap shots. 

Random House Unabridged defines a bully as a "blustering,
quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates
smaller or weaker people."

I must have been a 'small and weaker' people.  I sure got bullied a
lot. And it it hurt a lot.

Perhaps this is why the recent Imus transgressions have such a
powerful effect on me. 

Something unsettling is getting triggered here. Memories are
coming back about all the times someone teased me, taunted me,
humiliated me, or spit at me. 

Yes, you read that right. Spit. That's what some neighbors did
across the screen separating our row houses in D.C. And their
teenage son used to threaten to beat me up in the alley. I guess I
was about 6 years old.

I'm hearing from others that they, too, are reacting powerfully to
the Imus Chronicles. They too, have memories of bullying.

"Talk to me Down and Dirty - I'm Listening"

I'm amazed at the huge audiences these bullying airwave
'personalities' have.  Do folks crave to be insulted and talked
down to? Or perhaps they enjoy hearing others get their
'comeuppance,' being made 'bad' or 'wrong,' and humiliated for
having their own viewpoints.

For many of these media personalities there is no room for
disagreement. And if someone dares to phone in and question an
opinion, the caller is bullied. Unmercifully.

I've done a lot of interviews. I can remember one particularly
difficult interview on a major TV show. I was the newby on the 'panel'
and the others made great sport of bullying me into chopped liver. I
managed to hold my own, but it was not a
fun experience.

Bullying behavior can be obvious or it can be subtle. What it is
of course, is emotionally abusive and rejecting.

2. TAKING BULLYING PERSONALLY

It's hard not to take it personally when an attack feels so personal.

Taking things personally is connected to a myriad of rejection
issues — feeling betrayed, judged, criticized, intruded upon,
humiliated, or bullied. The issue here is that someone is feeling
“dissed:” disrespected, discounted, disdained, disposable,
dismissed, disclaimed, dispensable, disregarded, disclaimed,
disbelieved, disparaged.


It Starts in the Sandbox

I wrote in Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection: 

"It doesn’t take much for feelings to get hurt. A lot of times it
starts in the sandbox, when one child flicks sand at another. The
picked-on child feels hurt and confused. 'Why me? What did I do? 
Do I just sit here and take it? Do I try to ignore it and pretend
nothing happened? Or do I up the ante and flick sand back?'”

Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering -  criticizing,
belittling, shaming,  or publicly humiliating someone. But rejection
doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in
more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice. Rolling the
eyes will get a reaction every time.

We all want to feel respected. And bullying is big-time disrespect
which we perceive as rejection.

Disrespect shows itself by emotional outbursts. Or it may surface in
baiting, putdowns, judgments, or criticism.

Or it appears as teasing, cynicism, or sarcasm.

The Underbelly of Teasing, Cynicism and Sarcasm

Teasing, cynicism, and sarcasm have something in common: Anger. On
the surface, each behavior appears to be "funny" or "just a joke."
In reality, when you scratch the surface, each has undertones  of
anger. But they are passed off as 'humor.' Humor at the expense
of others.

Teasing by parents, relatives, teachers or peers leads to forming
negative beliefs about ourselves and our world. And these beliefs
accompany us into our work and personal relationships.

"Our agenda is to be funny, and sometimes we go too far. And this
time we went way too far," said Imus in a recent interview.

Imus' Program Director Jennifer Worley claims, "He manages to
insult someone every day." 

More examples of being funny at someone else's expense?

3. WHY DO BULLIES BULLY?

When you think about it, bullies must not be feeling very powerful.
If you take a good look, under that aggressive exterior you'll find
a scared, hurting, ineffectual and insecure person.

When we feel vulnerable, we tend to protect ourselves.  Some of us
protect ourselves by taking a tough stance. Some of us need to puff
ourselves up.

Sometimes taking a tough stance gets carried to the extreme and some
people engage in bullying behavior.

Think about it this way: bullies are puffing themselves up and
seeking out someone to bully. Yet, under that aggressive exterior of
the bully is someone who is scared or hurting.

Blustery behavior is usually a cover for emotional pain. AND it helps
keep people away.

The Wizard of Oz and The Smokescreen

I once heard actor/comedian Robin Williams describe what it was like for
him to finally get to know his father. The quote went something like
this: “It’s like in The Wizard of Oz. Don’t look behind the curtain -
behind it is a terribly fragile man.”

When I first saw the movie as a child I was so scared: that huge
booming voice of the Wizard. The billowing bursts of smoke.

Now I can see what a smoke screen is all was.

In Breathing Room I wrote: "When we puff ourselves up or push someone
around, it doesn’t leave much room for the other person, and they end
up feeling diminished.

In reaction to someone puffing up, many of us quickly get intimidated,
wilt, and disappear. It just doesn’t feel good to be on the receiving
end of puffing or pushing."

4. TIPS FOR BULLY-BUSTING:

If you find yourself on the receiving end of bullying, remind
yourself:

    • The bully is most likely not feeling very good about him
      or herself. In fact, he or she is probably feeling
      insecure, anxious, hurting, ineffectual, or vulnerable.
      Maybe all of the above.

    • When the bully inflates him or herself, this takes up a lot of
      space. Your space. Stand your ground and keep your space so
      you won't so easily deflate and feel diminished.

    • The best defense against a bully is taking action - any kind
      of action.

    • FIRMLY tell the person that his or her behavior is not
      acceptable. Ask them to stop immediately.
       
    • Try to separate the "then" from the "now." Remember if you
      find yourself overreacting, early rejection messages might
      be involved here.                           

    • Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Remind yourself
      that teasing is bullying and bullies are feeling neither
      good about themselves nor powerful in that moment. When
      they bully, they are only puffing themselves up to feel
      more powerful.

    • Practice speaking up about your feelings instead of
      harboring hurt and resentment. For example, "I heard you
      say "________________."  When you said that it felt like
      you were teasing. Even if you didn't intend it, I found
      myself getting confused and upset.  I hope our future
      exchanges can be free of that."

    • Take a deep breath and set your personal boundaries. Then
      state your position clearly. 

    • You can allow them space to vent and express
      frustration. However, you do not have to let them become
      abusive. If they do, you can firmly remind them that their
      behavior is not acceptable.

    •  And remember, the best way to get someone to give YOU
      respect is to show respect to them. Think about something
      you can appreciate about the other person. It can be
      something inconsequential. Maybe their choice of colors,
      their laugh, their eyes. Then concentrate on the something.
      They'll see respect in your eyes and just maybe it'll come
      right back at ya.

Soon to come in upcoming issues: more focus on workplace bullying.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
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