Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

Valentine's Day - Love 'Em or Leave 'Em

By Elayne Savage, PhD

'Note: If you can use a relationship 'how-to' or a post-Valentines rehash, I'll be a guest on Scott "Q" Marcus' teleconference Friday, February 17,  10-11AM (Pacific) on his very successful "Getting Past What Holds You Back" series of inspirational conversations:

Enhance your Relationships
Dr. Elayne Savage will help us get past what holds us back from having more fulfilling relationships. Elayne is known as The Queen of Rejection.®  She is a skillful communication coach and internationally respected expert on: overcoming rejection, handling disappointment, not taking things so personally, improving communication skills, and dealing with difficult people.

ThisTimeIMeanIt.com holds regular inspirational open-to-the-public phone conversations to inspire, motivate, and help you overcome what holds you back.
The Teleconference is free. Just sign up in advance to get the call-in number:
http://thistimeimeanit.com/register/

Valentine's Day - Love 'Em or Leave 'Em

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Hmmmm. I can't be the only one with a history of relationship
breakups around Valentine's Day.

I've been through three . . . make that four . . . Valentine
relationship breakups - give or take.

But wait! It turns out lots of folks share my experience - at least
according to a recent Australian survey.

Galaxy Research survey, commissioned by the National Australia
Bank, quizzed Australian singles and couples from all cities on
their thoughts on the so-called "most romantic day of the year."

It found that almost a million people have taken the opportunity
to end a relationship around Valentine's Day. Seeing it as a time
to re-evaluate their relationships.

The survey found the most common reason for terminating a
relationship was the realization that they were not compatible (60
percent). Other relationships were ended because of the belief that
their partner had changed (43 percent) or the spark had gone (43
percent).

Love It and Hate It

I've vacillated over the years regarding my feelings about
Valentine's Day. Some years I love it in spite of the over the
top marketing hype and under par restaurant food and service.

Sometimes I dread it as well because I expect to expect
disappointment. At least breaking off a relationship before
Valentine's Day gives me one less thing to be stressed about!

I think I learned to expect these disappointments in grade school.
I remember how disappointed I was when no Valentine appeared on
my desk from that cute guy two rows over -- the one I used to
daydream about and then was embarrassed because I couldn't answer
the teacher's question.

I remember dreading Valentine's Day back then. I was relieved to
hear in more recent years public schools have stopped this
particular popularity contest.

Let Me Count the Ways . . .

Let's speculate on why there are so many breakups before or after
Valentine's Day.

A good guess would be the hype leading to the disappointments that
follow unrealistic expectations. All too often this is a day when
the value of the relationship is tied up in a gift. All too often
instead of being direct about what we want, we tend to drop hints.
These hints are tied to the belief, "If you love me you'll read my
mind" variety. 

Unstated wishes and unrealistic expectations are set-ups for
disappointment. All too often our feelings get hurt, we take it
personally and feel rejected.

This can't be good for relationships! Especially if resentment
begins to grow.

A few years ago I was interviewed for a New York Times piece on
Valentine's Day breakups. I put forth my theory that the breakup is
a kind of  'the last straw' in a long series of disappointments.

First there was Thanksgiving and all the unrealistic expectations
that come with that. Next, the December Holidays. Then comes New
Years Eve. And finally Valentine's Day. Each month can easily bring
on one disappointment after another.

What Are Your Ideas?

What are your ideas about reasons for these Valentine's Day
breakups? Do you have a story to share? I'd love to hear from you.

7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentine's Day

The key here is to keep our expectations reasonable and be clear
about what you need from the other person.

Here are a few tips for navigating Valentine's Day:

If you are part of a couple:

-1 Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetie will
read your mind. Be direct, communicating clearly about what
you yearn for.

-2 Keep your Valentine's expectations realistic and do-able.
Otherwise, it's a set-up for disappointment.

-3 Don't let the fear of choosing  the wrong card or gift ruin the
day.
All too often folks avoid celebrating Valentine's Day for
fear of making a wrong choice. So they get kind of paralyzed and
don't do anything.

-4 Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families
with different styles of gift giving AND receiving. Respect each
others
'ways.'

-5 Don't mistake "not thinking" for "not caring." Your partner's
way of approaching this day may be different from yours. Remind
your self not not  to feel slighted if it's "not the way you'd
do it." This goes for gift-giving as well.
 
-6 Don't try too hard to be "creative" in YOUR gift giving.
Just be you. On the other hand, Valentine's Day doesn't work
very well if it's an "afterthought."

-7 AND don't take it personally. Dwelling takes up way too
much energy and relationship space. Make room for connection
and intimacy.

If you are unattached:

-1 Spend the day loving yourself. You are worth it!

-2 Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to flowers you really
like.

-3 Treat yourself to that little gift you've been hankering
for.

-4 Take yourself to lunch or dinner.

-5 Be grateful for the people you are lucky enough to love
in your little corner of the world.

-6 Be grateful for the people who care about you.

-7 Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in
giving and receiving love, perhaps spreading your light in a
wider arc than your little corner of the world.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

   From My Heart to Yours . . .

          Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

 Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

Personal and Repugnant Politicking

by Elayne Savage, PhD

Talk about name-calling and personal attacks! The live TV debates, campaign ads and media rehashes are loaded with so many rejection messages - slights, clashes, bitterness and harsh personal salvos -  you could lift them from my book "Don't Take It Personally!"

For me, the words and tone and body language bring up unpleasant memories of early bullying and other rejection situations. The dismissive posturing especially upset me. I could have easily written the dialogue from my own personal and workplace experiences. And it makes me extremely uncomfortable.

Come to think of it, I made some of the same observations during the last presidential primary campaign. Back then it was the debates between the Democrats.

And here we go again. The Republican Presidential Debate in Las Vegas was chock-full of shouting matches and innuendos. Everyone seemed to be taking something personally - and why not? It was personal!

It would be difficult not to get testy and irritated and defensive. Calling each other 'liars, and accusing each other of 'cheap shots' will do it for sure!

And defensive they got. The exchanges between Rick Perry and Mitt Romney are a classic example of an all too common  dynamic during conflict: 'Attack/Defend.'

When we feel attacked by someone, our instinct is to protect ourselves. And we often attack back. It can easily escalate out of control.

Whatever happened to Ronald Reagan's so-called 11th commandment? This was the rule that came into being when he felt so much intensity from personal attacks against him in the primaries. "Thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republican."

Looking Through-the-Rejection-Lens

This commentary is not meant to be a political statement. When goings-on like these are so upsetting to me, it helps to put words to it. Some of my clients are also expressing discomfort with the escalating attacks.

I'm sharing some of my observations with you as I experience them Through-the-Rejection-Lens. 

I don’t believe I’ve observed political campaigning with so many personal attacks - especially this early in a campaign. It seems the ante gets upped and the bitterness intensifies with each debate.

Here's how I see the debate interactions:
Accusing
Criticizing
Condescending
Attacking
Faulting
Smearing
Scorning
Slamming
Undermining
Slighting
Dismissing
Discounting
Insulting
Affronting
Judging

Do you have other descriptive words or phrases to add?
What kinds of images do these rejecting words conger up for you?
Do they make you wince as much as they do me?

I'd love to hear your impressions.

You can find the two most relevant blogs I wrote about the 2008 Presidential Election here:

About the Presidential Primaries: 

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2008/01/that-hurts-my-f.html

About the General Election:

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2008/09/on-a-fast-moving-merry-go-round-and-i-cant-get-off.html

Frantic Efforts to Save Face

I find it intriguing to watch each combative candidate frantically trying to puff themselves up in an attempt to look good.

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt so flustered, so desperate, that you might exaggerate the facts? Or even lie outright to save face? You might find yourself grasping at straws in a feeble attempt to make your point. Or maybe you were frantically searching for a way to protect yourself and could only pull up some below-the-belt accusations and innuendos.  I have found myself struggling with this too many times.

You could liken the presidential debates to the kind of destructive fighting that sometimes occurs in a couples relationship or a difficult workplace conflict:

The 'Attack-Defend' dynamic is frequently present. The person who feels attacked and vulnerable often defends against the attack by attacking back - sometimes ferociously.

When a finger is pointed and someone feels blamed, the tendency is to retaliate in an effort to protect.

I see this kind of negative interaction frequently when I work with couples or mediate workplace disputes. The exchanges are laden with  self-justification and accusations. They are often toxic and so is the air in the room. Neither party takes responsibility for their part. They are often loaded with 'toxicity.'

There seems to be a need to make the other person wrong and bad.

Clients also report how it reminds them of being young and how their parents used to fight. when they were young -  and how fearful they were about what was gong to happen next.

Evasiveness, Deflections and Distractions
     
When topics are uncomfortable, instead of sticking to the issue, folks evade, deflect, and distract by veering off onto other, often irrelevant topics.

Evasiveness can be especially unsettling to those of us who grew up in families where when you ask a question you never get a straight answer. The subject gets changed, the issue gets skirted, and you are left dangling.

From the days of the 2008 primaries, I've written commentaries about the viciousness of personal attacks in campaigning. Even though I specialize in dealing with personal attacks between people and hear hundreds of examples, the escalation of attacks during those eight months astounded me.

And here we are four years later. I'm hoping we don't get to the same kind of toxicity this time around. And yet, it seems to be galloping right along and getting worse with each debate and TV spot. 

We have a whole year to go before the election. What can we expect in the next 12 months? What can we do to stop it?

I welcome your comments and responses.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Reunions and Reconnections - Exhilerating and Exhausting

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Reunions can be exhilarating and exhausting at the same time. I just got back from a series of reunions with family, friends and places. I attended a high school reunion and also reunited with an old friend from college.

These adventures gave me the opportunity to discover aspects of myself I didn't know existed. By stepping back into the past and  looking through the eyes of others I could see the reflection of the person I used to be. And I was learning new things about myself!

What Do I Need Most From This Adventure?
For weeks before my trip, I was getting more and more nervous. How would things go? Would I be disappointed? Would I feel rejected and hurt? How would I handle it if things actually went well? And the bigger question: how would I handle it if things deteriorated and I was hugely disappointed?
 
The idea for the trip materialized when I realized I had a need to reconnect with family, friends and favorite places. So I planned a trip to the East Coast where I had done some of my growing up.

I knew I needed to connect with my family in Baltimore. It's been far too long since I visited. I've never met the children of my two nieces -  and the oldest are already four. I wanted to spend time with my brother, Lee, on his turf for a change, instead of in California.

The timing couldn't have been better! There was to be a Forest Park High School reunion brunch while I was there. This wasn't an official 10 year reunion - it was a mini-event to get people together. Hmmmm. Why not plan my trip to include the brunch? 

I don't have much allegiance to Forest Park High School. I graduated after attending only one year. I've never returned for a reunion. I go instead to Omaha Central High reunions even though I moved away and didn't graduate with my class.

I experienced Forest Park only in my senior year when my dad  remarried and moved us from Omaha to Baltimore.

It was such a miserable year for me. I was such a lost soul. I was so angry and resentful at having to leave my friends and the activities I'd worked for - cheerleading captain, yearbook staff, and writing a weekly newspaper column. Adjusting to a brand-new step family with new family rules and roles was such a terrible experience.

When I arrived at FPHS I didn't know anyone and in all honestly, I didn't want to. And it felt like most of them weren't interested in getting to know me, either. They had known each other for years. And I was the newcomer, the outcast, the freak.

I'm grateful for the few people who reached out to me back then, especially Sima who more or less took me under her wing. She introduced me to her friends, and made sure I was included in social stuff.

She and I have stayed friends all these years. It was great seeing her on this trip, spending time together and 'catching up.' Sima picked me up and we drove together to the brunch buffet. I have to tell you that walking in with someone everyone knew made all the difference in the world. I could feel myself relax enough to smile a little at people.

Making Sure to Cover All My Bases
A few weeks before the buffet event I began thinking about how I could best take care of myself in this adventure.

Besides Sima, there were a few others I wanted to try to reconnect with. I emailed each of them that I was coming and would love to get together.

I knew one of them would remember me because we've stayed in touch a bit over the years. I wasn't so sure about the others, though. Would they know who I was? How would I feel if they didn't?

I actually heard back from all three. And yes, they did remember me. Each responded that they'd like to try to get together.

Ricki wasn't planning to attend the brunch but wanted to try to connect if we could. As it turns out, we never did get together when I was in Baltimore. Maybe next time.

I wanted to see if she remembered our cutting school adventures. We'd show up at school in the morning, then decide to drive to Annapolis, 'charter' a fishing boat and sunbathe on the deck out on the Chesapeake Bay. You can imagine how amused the fishermen were!

Another person I wanted to see was Marjorie, who was cheerleading captain at Forest Park and let me be on the cheerleading squad when I arrived from Omaha. I wrote about my gratitude for her kindnesses in an earlier e-letter/blog;
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2010/07/the-clintonmezvinsky-wedding-not-making-the-cut.html

Marjorie and I stay in occasional touch over the years. When she learned I was going to the reunion brunch, she said she'd try to drive down from Philadelphia. But a few days before the event, she emailed she wouldn't be able to make the trip.

The third woman I wanted to reconnect with was Froma. I have really fond memories of her from high school. She, too, remembered me and we were able to reconnect at the brunch. It was great seeing her again. And now we can make sure we stay in touch.

"Sorry, But I Don't Remember You"
As I said earlier, I was pretty anxious about attending this reunion event. I didn't know what to expect. Actually, I was trying  not to have any expectations - just to  let whatever happens, happen. I was curious however about what my responses to all of it would be. What might I discover about the person I was back then? Would I have any  surprises? How did other's see me? What might I  learn about the person I am now?

I was trying so hard not to have unrealistic expectations.Yet, I really didn't see how most of them  could remember me. I became pretty invisible. I didn't  go to my graduation banquet dance. And I have never attended FPHS reunions in the past.

I pretty much found myself expecting folks to say, "Sorry, but I don't remember you."
And that's exactly what most of them said.

I was also aware that those who did remember me seemed glad to see me after all these years. And you know what? There were lots of people there that I didn't remember either!  I was glad to make new connections.

Here's a moment I just loved: As we were about to leave the restaurant, one woman said, "I've been trying to remember who you were, but I couldn't recall you at all. Until this moment. When you just smiled that big smile how you looked back then came flashing back to me!" 

Another Kind of Reunion  - With a Long Lost Person and a Magazine!
I enjoyed another kind of reunion in Baltimore. I've recently had e-mail contact with someone I hadn't seen since college. I worked with Bill on the Mahout, the University  of Alabama's humor magazine in the 1960's. He was Business Manager when I was Office Manager. He now lives in Virginia and drove up to have lunch. Bill brought along the best gift, ever - the first issue of the Mahout printed under my own tenure as Business Manager.

Yep. There was my name on the masthead, "Layni Raskin, Business Manager."  But wait, there's more. On the inside front cover is a full page ad for Tuscaloosa's McDonalds Drive-In. I'm under the Golden Arches with friends leaning on a shiny Cadillac convertible, and eating a Big Mac. Bill said I must have typed the address label myself, because It had the kind of typos I was famous for when I was Office Manager.

I'm so excited to hold this magazine in my hands again! All of my Mahout issues were ruined years ago when my dad's basement flooded.

So I not only had a reunion with Bill, but a reunion with the Mahout as well. Holding this magazine sure symbolizes my recent journey of reconnecting with people, places and memories.

The Take-Aways
The trip went well better than I could have imagined. Maybe because I thought through what I needed and how to make that happen.

I'm grateful for the opportunity to watch myself interact with old memories and the people in them. I was able to stay present, to walk alongside myself and be mindful of  these interactions as they happened.

I could see how that young, scared, insecure person has finally gained some self-confidence in dealing with stressful situations.

I could see how I could let myself be proactive and try to insure my needs would get met.

I also trusted that what happens, happens and whatever occurs I knew I would learn from it.

But how would I have felt if it hadn't gone so well? What if I had I had been too attached to a certain outcome and was mightily disappointed?

What if I hadn't been open to receiving acceptance in whatever form and shape it appeared? What if, instead, I had expected and perceived rejection as I have so often in the past?

How would I have reacted? Would I have immediately gone back to those old reactions of feeling rejected and taking things personally? And if that had happened, what lessons might I have learned about myself, my world and the people in it?

Here is a description of my reactions to another reunion - in Omaha.
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2009/07/class-reunion-a-time-for-reflection.html

And what about you? If you were to take a "reconnection" trip how would you like it to go? How would you plan  for it? What would you have done to prepare? How might you have reacted if it didn't go well? Would you have felt disappointed? Rejected? Hurt? What might you have learned?

© Elayne Savage PhD

I'd love to hear your comments and experiences about your adventures with  reconnections and various kinds of reunions.

You can post on my blog under comments:
http://www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com
or email me at:
elayne@QueenofRejection.com

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs  

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a relationship and workplace communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

 

Can You Still Be Friends? 7 Tips for Healing From a Relationship Breakup

By Elayne Savage, PhD

It must be the season for relationship breakups! Between Valentine's Day and now I've been receiving more emails than usual about the subject.

It's interesting that folks are asking how to navigate a specific kind of breakup: when the person is not just your partner, but also your best friend.

Here are some of the reflections and concerns communicated to me in the emails  .....

This is the person you could tell anything to, the one you feel so connected with, the one you could share and express your thoughts openly and honestly. You invited them into your sacred space, and you were welcomed into theirs.

They were such a comfort to you, and then, for whatever reason, the relationship evaporates.

Perhaps one of you fell 'out of love.' Or you asked, "Is this all there is?" Or maybe you are love each other deeply, but for whatever reason, the relationship just can't work.

Should You Even Try to Salvage the Friendship?

The question the emailers are asking is: "How can I salvage the friendship part?" Or "Should I even try?"

Too often people try to hang onto a relationship because it feels comfortable. And they stay too long because they are afraid of being lonely. 

Sometimes breakups are by mutual agreement. Other times someone feels rejected and would probably have a long way to go before the continuation of the friendship is possible. It's hard not to think: "You rejected me and now you want to be my friend. Good luck!"

There are no cookie cutter answers here. We each have our own sensitivities and capabilities. The important thing is to take good care of yourself and do what feels right to you. (More about loving and honoring yourself below.)

After you decide to part ways, those talks that were such an important part of your life become excruciatingly difficult.  How do you continue to share details of your day the way you used to? Or plan together for an upcoming event? Or discuss unsettling world news? Or confide your concerns about work or your fears about health issues ?

And the one thing you really want them to comfort you about is the very thing you can't talk to them about: the immense hurt and sadness and loss you feel about your breakup.

You want to turn to them for comforting, but they can't be there in the same way. They are no longer available to have intimate conversations with. To confide in. To pour out your heart and soul to. To cry with. 

What a Lonely Feeling . . .

You so much want to pick up the phone or email or text them to share your experiences and your concerns and your fears. And you can't. Perhaps you both made an agreement to not have contact for a while. Until healing can take place. Until it does't hurt so much. Until you feel whole again.

I've struggled with similar experiences myself. More than once. It is painful and lonely.

I remember more than anything wanting to be held and comforted. And yes, especially wanting them to comfort me about the pain of the breakup.

How can the person you need to be comforted about comfort you?

This gigantic sense of loss can occur in many situations: breaking off a romantic relationship or a business relationship or a friendship, or when someone dies. Leaving a business relationship or long-time friendship can feel like a divorce. Any relationship where there is dovetailing of minds, of ideas, of dreams, of passions can break your heart and leave a huge gaping hole when it ends.

The lover or friend that you took so for granted is no longer available. I wonder which is more painful: a gentle parting of ways on good terms or a dramatic, angry breakup.

What a huge hole it leaves in your heart and your soul. And what a long time it can take to heal. It might take months. Or even years.

And what about you? Have you ever faced the question of whether to try to be friends? How have you handled breakups in the past? Did you feel you had to cut everything off? Did you attempt to stay friends? Did you even want to? If you tried, how long did it take before you could make that transition of moving out of one episode of life and into another?

I'd love to hear from you. You can post your thoughts on the outlined comment box below.

How do we Uncouple and become whole again?
Here are 7 Tips for Healing 

• Give Time a Chance
Hopefully life experiences teach us that things can and do get better. Time is an extraordinary healer. If only we could try not to rush the process and let time do it's thing.

• Closure is Critical
Ask yourself what you need to have closure. It's different for each person. Just make sure you're clear about the reason for the breakup whether you initiated it or your partner did. No room for generalities here. Have a conversation that is direct and specific.

• Loving and Nurturing Yourself
Self-love and self-acceptance have to be an inside job! To love yourself you have to know and accept yourself. This means recognizing your blind spots, owning both your strengths and weaknesses, and acknowledging your “shadow” side. Including those child-like parts that may pop up too often.

It means accepting yourself without judgments. Dispensing with the ‘shoulds’ and ‘oughts,’ and any over-concern about what others think. It helps me to repeat, "I am perfect as I am and as I am not."

And by the way, becoming authentic with yourself lets you extend this self-intimacy to other relationships.

You could show love for yourself by treating yourself to a nice dinner, special flowers. soothing music - anything that brings happiness to you and connects you to your world.

And just as important (or maybe even more so) can you let others love and nurture you? Can you allow others to support you through your healing? Can you talk to a friend? This might be a good time for supportive therapy or counseling.

• Self-soothing
Self-soothing is connected to Loving Yourself, but I think it warrants a spot of it's own here. Self-soothing is a way to tap into your needs and resources by quieting yourself.

One way to calm yourself is through repetition of movement which has an auto hypnotic effect. You may already be doing it without even knowing. Do you ever find yourself touching or rubbing your hand, arm, shoulder, chin, or hair? You may have dismissed this repetitive touching as “just a nervous thing I do” but it is, in fact, a creative way of calming yourself.

Next time you find yourself stroking your hair or your shoulder or your knuckles, try doing more of it and notice how well you are making space for yourself.

(The ideas expressed here on intimacy with yourself and self-soothing are based on excerpts from 'Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple' a book for both singles and couples)
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

My friend and colleague, blogger Allen L. Roland, Ph.D. writes: "The basic underlying and uniting force of the universe is a psychic energy field of love and soul consciousness (the Unified Field) which lies not only beyond time and space but ALSO beneath our deepest fears." - Allen L. Roland, Ph.D.

• Releasing Tension
The healing touch of massage is soothing. If you happen to live near a massage training school, you can get massages for very low fee. My rule is to never talk on the massage table - it tightens me up and interferes with relaxation.

The release of endorphins that comes from exercise elevates your mood. My favorite healing exercise is walking at a fairly fast pace and noticing and breathing in the colors around me.

Yoga and Meditation also bring on a feeling of wellbeing. In the alpha state, mental and physical relaxation lead to changes in brain waves and the release of endorphins.

Being mindful of your thoughts and feelings, watching them come and go, is another way to heal.

• Balancing Negativity with Gratitude and Appreciation
Try to balance any negative thoughts and feelings with remembering the good times you had together. Focus on their qualities and magnificence. Are you able to hold on to those memories and keep them in a container where they can coexist alongside the negative feelings? 

• Letting Go
I believe that whatever happens, happens for a reason. I'd like to share with you the Four Principles of Spirituality. I have a PowerPoint version I watch each time I need a reminder.

The Four Principles of Spirituality

1st Principle:
“Whomever you encounter is the right one”
This means that no one comes into our life by chance. Everyone who is around us, anyone with whom we interact, represents something whether to teach us something or to help us improve a situation.

2nd Principle:
“Whatever happened is the only thing that could have happened”
Absolutely nothing of that which we experience could have been any other way. Not even in the least important detail. There is no “if only I had done that differently… Then it would have been different”. No, what happened is the only thing that could have taken place and must have take place for us to learn a lesson in order to move forward. Every situation in life which we encounter is absolutely perfect, even when it defies our understanding and our ego.

3rd Principle:
“Each moment in which something begins is the right moment”
Everything begins at exactly the right moment, neither earlier nor later. When we are ready for it, for that something new in our life, it is there, ready to begin.

The Final Principle:
“What is over, is over”
It is that simple. When something in our life ends, it helps our evolution. That is why, enriched by the recent experience, it is better to let go and move on.

Whatever your loss may be, I wish for you Healing, Harmony and Regeneration ....

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Happy Valentine's Day - From My Heart to Yours

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Perhaps I'm just a Hopeless Romantic, but Valentine's Day holds a special place in my heart.

Truth be told, what a different story it was in grade school and junior high. I dreaded February 14. I totally felt left out of the Valentine's Day 'scene.'

I'd get a few valentines but not from anyone I really hoped would notice me. I'd be yearning for a card from that really cute somebody sitting a couple rows away. But I was so invisible none of those guys knew I existed.

And I just hated it when the popular girls pranced around asking, "How many Valentines did YOU get?"

A funny thing happened on the way to growing up. I realized things aren't exactly the way they seem.

Over the years I've reconnected with past classmates from grade  school through college. What a shock to learn a few of those guys  had secret crushes on me back then! They were way too shy to let me  know. And I was way too much of a space cadet to have a clue.

How sad to think about how much caring and support we missed out on during those years. So, how amazing and joyous it is to be able to talk about our feelings for each other from so many years ago.

In spite of those frustrating early experiences, I've been able to embrace Valentine's Day and let it become special to me. Staying positive is not always easy because those early letdowns sometimes program an expectation of more disappointment.

Because disappointment can so easily feel like rejection, it's  easy to take it personally and feel yucky. Most especially when so much hype surrounds the event. Does this happen for you, too?

How We Set Ourselves Up for Disappointment

Let's look at a few ways we might repeatedly set ourselves up for disappointment:

 - Crossing your fingers and hoping someone will read your mind
 - Letting the value of your relationship be tied up in a gift
 - Making 'guessing correctly' a test of caring. Trouble is, it's a set up for flunking   because you are probably not letting the other person in on the rules
 - Dropping hints like crazy about that special gift, reservations at that new restaurant, a card that says everything you dream it will say

I've been thinking a bunch lately about how I've depended others to make my Valentine's Day 'perfect."

These days my motto has become carpe diem. I figure this is the year to take charge of whatever is important to me and really make it work.                                                 

Mostly I'm doing this by taking full responsibility for the effect I want to create.

Not easy sometimes, though. This Valentine's Day has been an unusual challenge. I'm working overtime to balance reasonable expectations with reality.                                        
      
I just dropped a card in the mail to myself. I had a great time picking it out. And It says exactly what I want to hear this Valentine's Day. A sure-fire way to not be disappointed!

I've been shopping for just the right gift, too. And decided on a new iPhone.

Let's look at a few tips for desiging and navigating your Valentine's Day . . .

7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentines Day

If you are part of a couple:

1. Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetheart will read
your mind. Be direct, communicating clearly what you yearn for.

2. Keep your Valentines expectations realistic and do-able.
Otherwise, you are  just setting yourself up for disappointment.

3. Don't let the fear of buying the wrong gift ruin the occasion.
Some folks even avoid celebrating Valentine's Day for fear of
buying the wrong card or present.

4. Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families with
different styles of gift giving. Can you respect your partner's
'ways?'

5. Don't try too hard to be 'creative' in YOUR gift giving. Just be
you expressing your appreciation of your partner. On the other
hand, a little planning is a great idea. Then Valentine's Day won't
seem like an 'afterthought.'

6. Don't mistake 'not thinking' for 'not caring.' Your partner's
way of approaching this day may be different from yours. Try not to
feel slighted if it's 'not the way you'd do it.'

7. It pretty much boils down to staying realistic and if
disappointments should happen, try not to take them so personally.
Dwelling on it takes up way too much energy and relationship space.
Make room instead for some delicious connection.

If you are unattached:

1. Spend the day loving yourself. You are SO worth it!

2. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to your favorite plant or flowers.

3. Consider buying that little gift you've been hankering for.

4. Take yourself to brunch, lunch or dinner.

5. Be grateful for the people in your world who you are lucky enough to love.

6. Appreciate the people who love and care about you.

7. Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in giving and receiving love,   perhaps spreading your light in a wider arc than just your little corner of the world.

And remember:
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have . . .

I really like the way my early mentor, author Susan Jeffers, signs her notes "From My Heart to Yours."  So I'm borrowing her phrase just long enough to say to you --

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY - FROM MY HEART TO YOURS . . .

Until next time,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs  

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultationservices visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Relationships Take a Lotta Work

By Elayne Savage, PhD

I do relationship maintenance - for couples and in the workplace. Enhancing what is working, repairing what falters, and hoping everyone involved has basically the same agenda.

Listening to Obama's State of the Union address, two aspects jumped out for me.

The first was Congress' public show of good will following the tragedy in Tucson where six died and Rep. Gabrielle Giffords was critically wounded. Many Democrats and Republicans were sitting together for the first time in 100 years. The idea grew when a couple of members of Congress started talking to each other. A great example of the value of direct communication!

The second stand out for me was how President Obama's address was chock-full of relationship-building words and phrases.

A show of cooperation and civility

Watching this show of cooperation I had some conflicting thoughts: What a great idea to attempt to move past the acrimony of recent years. However, I wish I could trust the effort more. I just couldn't help feeling this show of civility for some participants was exactly that - a public show.

More than just a show in public

The hard work of relationships is more than just a show in public.

I'm reminded of couples who fake a great show of affection and cooperation during family gatherings and social events. Then, in private they then go back to sniping at each other. Their interactions are filled with bitterness and indifference. This is also true of co-workers who pretend respect in public, yet backstab at the first opportunity.

Building Relationships 101

I was fascinated with how Obama's address is laden with step-by-step advice on how to build relationships. Many of the ideas he put forth could have come straight out of the pages of my book 'Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple,' a primer on relationship-building. Do you think this choice of phrases could have been purposeful?

Here are a few of the relationship-building words and phrases I found in the State of the Union address:

Obama spoke of our differences: differences in policy, different opinions, and different backgrounds. Would you agree these are similar to problems many of us have to overcome in work and personal relationships?

He reminds us how we face new threats and new challenges. And how relationships take investment and hard work.

He speaks of the need for teamwork - a new era of cooperation. Working together to make things happen, Using new skills and new ideas.

He reminds us that we have a choice.

He says it is never about standing pat. It requires sacrifice and struggle. It means treating people with respect.

He emphasizes the need for building and rebuilding. For repairing crumbling roads and building bridges. For reducing barriers that stand in the way of growth and success.

He suggests forging a principled compromise that gets the job done.

My favorite idea in the speech is really good relationship advice: "Instead of re-fighting battles, let's fix what needs fixing and move forward."

The disintegration of relationships

I recently saw the film Blue Valentine, a powerful, painfully honest story of the disintegration of a relationship.

We are not let in on what happens between the flashbacks of courting and the unraveling marriage in the present. It doesn't appear there were major traumas in the early years of the marriage. No obvious betrayals or breeches of trust. It was more like the disappointments and rejections that occur over and over in many relationships: miscommunications leading to anger, recriminations, bitterness, blame and resentment. And before the couple knows it, the infrastructure begins to crumble.

It seems to me that miscommunications, anger, recriminations, bitterness, blame and resentment are exactly what we have been witnessing between members of Congress and between the branches of government. I sure hope the good will displayed during the speech finds a way to continue to flourish.

Restoring respect

In my work with couples and my consultations in the workplace my goal for clients is regaining mutual respect. By clearing out built up resentment. THEN there is the space to reconnect with respect.

Restoring respect Inside the Beltway might just work wonders for a more efficient government.

And if you have a hankering to read more about relationships here are an array of blog links from the archives:

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2010/03/relationship-spring-cleaning.html

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2007/07/cozying-up-to-t.html

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2008/05/relationship-lessons-from-yosemite.html

And from my website:
http://queenofrejection.com/article3.htm

© Elayne Savage, PhD

And I'd love to hear your ideas on this subject - you can post in the comment section below . . .

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

 

Relationship Spring Cleaning

By Elayne Savage, PhD

What better time than spring to clear out relationship clutter?

Why not toss things you've been stockpiling? You could chuck misunderstandings. Donate hurt feelings. And give anger and resentment the heave-ho.

Even small misunderstandings add up when they result in hurt feelings. Someone says or does something (or neglects to say or do something.) The other person takes it personally. Feelings get hurt. Anger takes over. And that sneaky, insidious resentment starts creeping into every nook and cranny of your relationship. Soon you find it is taking up so much space there's no room for connection and respect.

Your relationship gets de-railed.

This is what happens between Allison and Terry. Allison finds herself getting upset whenever Terry comes home later than agreed upon.

Allison's anxiety builds. By the time Terry walks through the door, she blasts all of her stockpiled fury at him. Right between the eyes. Then she recites a litany of all the times he has been late in the past.

Finally she gathers the courage to talk with Terry directly, honestly and sincerely. She tells him how hurt and disrespected she feels each time he is late. She tells him how hurtful it is each time he breaks his promise to her. And he listens.

Allison gets Terry to understand how she is a worrier. How whenever he is late she thinks the worst. She is able to tell him clearly and directly that she needs him to make every effort to show up when he said he will. And if he is occasionally delayed, she needs him to call her before the agreed upon time, so she does not worry.

This isn't an easy talk to have. By putting words to her feelings Allison begins the process of clearing out of all that built up resentment. And she discovers enough space opens up where she and Terry can bring respect and positive energy back into their relationship.

Does resentment take up space in your relationships? How much time do  you spend dwelling on hurt feelings and disappointments.

Clearing out resentment creates the space you need to renew respect for yourself and the people in your life. It helps you get back on track.

This goes for work relationships too. The hurdles are the same: Feeling rejected or fearing rejection. Feeling misunderstood. Feeling disappointed and not appreciated. Feeling invisible.

"But This is How We Do It in My Family . . ."
The key to productive relationships is mutual respect.

We all grew up in different families. We learned different styles of rules, beliefs and values.  Perhaps you grew up in different cultures which includes gender, ethnicity, religion and even region of the country.

You don't have to let these differences of style create relationship problems.

Whenever you are having a discussion with your coworker, or boss or romantic partner, be aware there are more than two of you in the room. Each of your ancestors are there as well, putting in their two cents, clamoring for attention; "Our family way is the best way!"

Instead of feeling threatened by your differences, why not create the space to honor them? Why not make an effort to respect others "ways" even though they may not think or act the same as you?

Feeling accepted and respected by others is vital to productive work and personal relationships. But what if you don't feel this acceptance? When we don't feel respected,  we feel rejected. And rejection hurts.

Rejection hurts
It hurts to feel criticized or slighted or condescended to. It's painful to feel dismissed or discounted or dispensable.

We tend to collect these hurts. We pile them into containers. They keep growing until they become resentments. And when a lover or friend or coworker says or does something that sets off the trigger, the container explodes. The moldy mess inside seeps over everything and everyone.

Getting Back on the 'Respect Track'
So how can you get your personal or professional relationship back on the respect track?

Here is where the notion of reciprocity comes in.

Reciprocity describes how one response leads to another as individual behavior affects the behavior in the relationship. This in turn affects the individual behavior of the folks interacting. 

Here's an example from 'Breathing Room:' 
". . . #1 says something to #2. And #2 thinks #1 means something negative or critical by what is said. Then #2 reacts protectively, that is to say, withdraws. And #1 reacts to the perceived withdrawal, perhaps getting hurt or angry. And on and on it goes, with no beginning and no end.

In other words, #1 doesn’t do it to #2. #2 doesn’t do it to #1. They do it with each other.  Each partner’s behavior affects and is affected by the other person’s behavior."

You can change any personal or work relationship. All it takes is for one person to change. Because relationships are relational one change affects another. When the relationship changes, it can lead to more individual change. And on and on.

Once both of you realize your differences are most likely differences of style, neither of you have to protect your space needs so fervently. This allows the room to connect in an open and honest way.

The Eyes Have It
Here's where the idea of reciprocity comes in. Long-time readers of this e-letter and workshop participants have heard me suggest this tip before. It's perfect for cleaning out resentment and bad feelings in work or personal relationships: Wouldn't you agree that when you feel put off by a partner or coworkers ways, you respond negatively?Kind of like a metaphorical rolling of the eyes or turning up of the nose?
So rather than continuing this negative interaction, why not attempt to change it?

Here's how: try to find something you can like and respect about the other person. Granted this isn't easy to do when so much negativity has  built up. Can you conjure up a positive thought about them? Can you appreciate their smile, intelligence or sense of humor? What about their taste in clothes or colors? Keep trying. I bet you can come up with SOMETHING.

Once you identify a feature, try to focus in on this during your next interaction. Then try it a second and even a third.

When they see respect in your eyes they will probably respond to it. You'll be amazed at how quickly the situation can change for the better.

Don't be surprised if you notice respect coming right back at ya! And we all can use a little respect. It's good for the soul.

Until next time,

Elayne

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consulting services visit:

http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Relationship Lessons from Yosemite

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION ®
May 2008

IN THIS ISSUE

1. Relationship Lessons from Yosemite
 2. Magnetized by the energy of the granite
 3. Durable yet vulnerable
 4. Ingredients for solid relationships
 5. Seemingly Solid Yet Fragile
 6. Knock, Knock. I Can't Get Through Your Wall
 7. Creating Sacred Space
 8. An Experience in Contrast
 9. The 'Take Away'
10. Contacting Elayne
11. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Relationship Lessons from Yosemite
By Elayne Savage, PhD

We just spent five magical and transcendent days in Yosemite.
The first word that comes to mind is 'other-worldly.' What a
spectacular and awesome experience.

Yosemite offers an amazing combination of ruggedness and serenity.
I'm in another dimension of consciousness as I take in vistas of
soaring granite walls, springtime cascading waterfalls, gushing
streams, lush forests, and serene meadows.
 `
I have to catch my breath at the wonderment of it all.

Magnetized by the Energy of the Granite

I find myself becoming magnetized by the granite and it's
soothing, nurturing, restorative, caressing energy.

I experience a powerful exchange of energy with the granite.
And itreminds me of the powerful exchanges of energy possible
in personal relationships.

So using Yosemite as a backdrop and metaphor for relationships,
let's take a look at some examples.

Durable yet vulnerable

No wonder there is a sense of timelessness about the cliffs.
Conditions for their formation began millions of years ago. And
they have existed in their present state for thousands of years. 
Some of the cliffs rise 3000 to 4000 feet from the valley floor,
which itself is 4000 feet above sea level.

Timeless. Eternal. A solid foundation, rooted deeply in the earth.

The waterfalls are a different story. They renew each springtime
as the melting snow cascades over the granite. By late summer
and autumn as the snowpack dwindles, the falls become a barely
discernable trickle. In the spring, they flow anew. The rivers and
streams gush with renewed energy.

Renewable. Replenishing. Refreshing.

Ingredients for Solid Relationships

And so it is with relationships. Relationships can be as durable as
the granite cliffs. Especially with a little help from regular
renewing and refreshing some important ingredients (From
'Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple':

- giving and accepting respect
- the ability to trust
- allowing sincerity, honesty, authenticity and vulnerability
- the capacity for teamwork-working and playing together.

All of this woven together by open and direct
communication.

Seemingly Solid Yet Fragile

Those majestic granite walls seem so solid. So timeless. So eternal.

And yet . . . There are signs of fragility and vulnerability here.
Geologists tell us the unusual rock formations were created by
fractures within the rock. Many of these arise from increasing
and decreasing pressure

You'll see another sign of fragility as well. Notice the boulders,
rocks and stones. This is the 'talus', the debris from rockslides
and rock avalanches below the cliffs. The most recent rockslide
was in 1996 when 60-80,000 tons, crashed 1800 feet into the valley.

Yes, these natural processes continue to shape Yosemite Valley.

'Rock slides' shape our relationships as well. But it's not all
bad.This can take a positive course if we use them as
stepping-stones to bolster and strengthen our relationships.

Knock, Knock. I Can't Get Through Your Wall

Looking up at these granite walls surrounding Yosemite Valley, I
can't help but think of walls we build in our relationships. The walls
we build when we don't feel safe and secure. The walls I know
I'm very good at building when I need to protect myself.

My personal wall is built of brick.

There used to be turrets on top. No light could get through.
It was a dark and lonely place. I grew up. I learned to feel
a little safer. And sunlight began to filter through.

I noticed the wall was beginning to lower. Brick by brick.

Even now, when I feel threatened I tend to protect myself once
again. The threat usually comes from a look or tone of voice. It's 
when I feel disrespected in some way. Perhaps invalidated,
patronized, condescended to, or dismissed. And guess what?

I can feel the wall growing back again. Brick by brick.

But it never gets as high as in the old days. Just high enough for
me to feel safe enough.

Trouble is, walls create barriers and keep us from connecting to
the other person.

Did you build a wall, too? Do you remember what it was made of?
Is it still with you at times? When does it come back?

Creating Sacred Space

I gaze in wonderment at the secluded mountain meadows framed
by the towering granite mountains and the forests. To me the
meadows are a place to breathe, a respite. To me the meadows
symbolize sacred space.

An Experience in Contrasts

One day we drove to the High Country even though we knew
part of Tioga Road may be closed. It often is this time of year
because of the snow.

What an experience in contrasts! On this wonderfully warm and
sunny day, we found ourselves driving through snow banks!

We trudged through snow to sit on the bank of a small lake and
eat lunch in the warm sun. It was tempting to have a snowball
fight or build a snowman (or woman.)

Again I was reminded of how sights and experiences in Yosemite
can be a metaphor about relationships.

The contrasts between the warmth of the day and the coldness
of the snow reminded me of how relationships blow hot and cold.
Sometimes this happens when that protective wall comes up.
Sometimes it's because of a "go away a little closer" message:
We have a need for closeness, yet a fear of it. So we might give
out conflicting (and confusing) messages.

There are also the quite wonderful contrasts in relationships that
can add so much. If we let them.

These are differences in style which, when accepted and
respected, can enhance the relationship considerably. If we let them.

First we must make the choice to embrace differences rather then
consider them a threat.  Remember threats? And how easy it is
for that wall to go up.

The 'Take Away'

Of all the many relationship metaphors I noticed in Yosemite,
here is the primary one I carried away:

Just as the waterfalls renew each year and flow into the heart of
Yosemite Valley, relationships, too, can be refreshed and renewed.
And there's nothing quite like the energy that flows from heart to
heart.

'Til next month,
Elayne

© 2008 Elayne Savage, PhD

Any ideas?

I welcome your ideas on how to expand this piece of writing about
ways we can reflect upon the relationship metaphors nature provides
to us.

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

10. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

Dumped! - Dealing with Loss and Abandonment

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
August, 2007

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Dumped! - Dealing with Loss and Abandonment
2. Losses come in all shapes and sizes
3. Losing a chunk of childhood
4. Fearing another abandonment-the most profound rejection fear
    of all
5. Fear of loss influences how we love
6. Tips - dealing with loss and abandonment
7. Contacting Elayne
8. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. DUMPED! - DEALING WITH LOSS AND ABANDONMENT
    By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

When I was a little girl, one day I was nestling in my father’s
lap. Feeling safe.  Secure. Content.

Then, someone came into the room and he suddenly stood up. I went
tumbling to the floor.

What a shock to my system! So many confusing feeling: surprise,
disbelief, anger, and embarrassment, and fear.

Just a moment earlier, I was feeling safe and secure. In an
instant my world changed. 

Looking back at that childhood experience with the
understanding of an adult, I can see that I felt abandoned and
betrayed by someone I trusted. I know this sounds dramatic, but
I do believe my ability to totally trust changed on that day.

I haven’t thought about that lap incident in many years. The
memory came flooding back recently when I received an email
breaking off a 3 1/2 year long distance relationship. It felt
like getting dumped on the floor all over again.

Even though he has since changed his mind about breaking up,
the email was a shock to my system. No wonder the memories of
that lap incident surfaced.

I started thinking about the impact of Rejection, Abandonment, Disappointment
and Loss can have on us.

2. LOSSES COME IN ALL SHAPES AND SIZES

I’m especially aware how each new loss in the present can
bring up losses from the past. Even though they seem long
forgotten, they can pack a wallop:

- Losing friends,
- Losing loved ones
- Losing pets
- Losing jobs
- Losing recognition or promotions
- Losing prestige
- Losing face
- Losing self-esteem
- Losing expectations and illusions
- Losing dreams

There are other losses as well:

- Loss of support
- Loss of respect
- Loss of security
- Loss of vitality
- Loss of health
- Loss of lifestyle
- Loss of professional identity

There’s a different kind of loss in the sadness we feel in a
breakup of a relationship. All the energy that we put into
anticipation of a future with that person is gone – poof.

We find ourselves experiencing a huge loss: a loss of what
might have been. It leaves a big space in there.

What about the little losses?

Most of us recognize the big-ticket losses in our lives: the
breakup of a relationship, the death of a loved one, and the
loss of a job. But what about all the little losses we
experience as well?

We often don’t give much importance to grieving these smaller
losses. We tend to minimize the loss and disappointment. We say 
to ourselves, “It’sno big deal, I can handle it.” Then we tuck away
our feelings and go about our life. Or someone says, “Get over it”
and we buy into that directive.

Trouble is, these losses, big and small, stockpile. Then they
reappear whenever the next loss crosses our path.

Some of us have experienced more than our share of losses.
Maybe we moved from house to house, school district to school
district, town to town. Sometimes we couldn’t even say a proper
goodbye to treasured friends or teachers. 

3. LOSING A CHUNK OF CHILDHOOD

I lost a huge chunk of my childhood following the deaths of my
mother and grandmother in a Mason City, Iowa plane crash when I was 12 years old.
For the next several years I walked around in a haze.

Their deaths brought on full-fledged feelings of abandonment,
of course.There was no encouragement or support from family be say
or to grieve.

I do know that in order to move on with our lives, we have to
make our losses real and grieve them.

Recently, these many decades later, I made a pilgrimage to a
DC-3 to properly grieve the loss of the lineage of women in
my family.

Perhaps one day soon I’ll write about it here.  Some of you have
heard me tell the story in my speaking programs.

Abandonment experiences and fears color our relationships in
profound ways, influencing how we interact with others and how
they interact with us.

4. FEARING  ANOTHER ABANDONMENT-THE MOST PROFOUND REJECTION
   FEAR OF ALL

In Breathing Room — Creating Space to Be a Couple (New
Harbinger) I write: “One woman has such a strong reaction
when a relationship ends that she sometimes finds herself
hyperventilating. It doesn’t seem to make any difference
which person ends the relationship.

“I feel as if I can’t get enough air into my lungs, as
if I can’t breathe,” she relates. “Sometimes I even think
I might die. Yes, I know it’s not just about the breakup.
I know that it’s related to my father dying when I was a
child. I just don’t do well at all when people leave me.
Every new ‘leaving’ feels like another death. I guess a part
of me dies, too.”

http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

However, losses don’t have to be huge to feel like
abandonment.  Losing friends can feel like that. Losing
support. Losing recognition. Losing prestige. Losing
respect. Losing professional identity. 

5. FEAR OF LOSS INFLUENCES HOW WE LOVE

Certainly fear of loss influences how we love.

And again from Breathing Room: “Millie experienced such
fears, but she didn’t know it. She only knew how anxious
she got whenever she and her partner fought. So she dealt
with her fear by frequently threatening to leave her partner.
It was very controlling, to be sure—but what it really
controlled was her own anxiety about being left.”

6. TIPS - DEALING WITH LOSS AND ABANDONMENT

Abandonment fears are not easy to tame. It’s oh-so-easy
to catastrophize them, to let them spill over into
everything.  Unless you can keep them contained.

It’s important to put your losses in perspective.

•   Give a voice to your feelings.

•   Give yourself permission to be sad or angry (or even relieved.)

•   Remind yourself that this present loss is being
    influenced and affected by all of your past losses no
    matter how small they may seem.

•   Yes, you can actually speak to and calm the fears of
    that part of you that is the most upset—that child part
    of you

•   Can you visualize a container in which you keep your fears of
    loss and abandonment? What does it look like?

•   Find some creative ways to make your losses real and
    grieve them.

•   Let the part of you that knows how to deal with these
    setbacks lead the way for the part of you that is
    confused and floundering.

A few days before the 'Dear Elayne' email, I had suffered
another loss. A loss of feeling safe.  A homeless man
attacked my car while I was sitting in it. He threatened me
and made some good-sized dents in the car.

A friend reminded me that a dented car is not the same as
a dented heart. Yes, that is true. However, at the same
time, I know that I must honor both incidents as losses.
And both will have an affect on me for a long time to come.

Trite though it may sound, it helps me when I remind myself
that losses give me the opportunity to see things through
a different perspective. There's always something to learn
about life- when I choose to.

You may want to read Judith Viorst's classic, Necessary Losses.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION™
July, 2007

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships
2. Hot Buttons, Hot Seats, Hot Heads
3. Regarding Respect, Appreciation and Persuasion
4. Tasks and Teamwork
5. The Dance of the Over-functioner and the Under-functioner
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. COZYING TO TEAMWORK - A KEY TO SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS
   By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Recent headlines certainly caught my attention:
"Key to a Good Marriage? Share Housework"

Some were surprised at the high ranking of 'Shared household
chores' for a successful marriage in the Pew Research Center's
survey. It showed the sharpest rise in importance of all the
identified items (62% in 2007 from 47% in their 1990 survey.)

(Here's the list:  faithfulness, a happy sexual relationship,
sharing household chores, adequate income, good housing, shared
religious beliefs, shared tastes and interests, children, and
agreement in politics.)
http://pewresearch.org/pubs/526/marriage-parenthood

It doesn't surprise me to read about this emphasis on sharing
household chores. As a communication coach for 25 years, I've
heard hundreds of resentful couples complain about the inequality
of chores:

"He has to be asked to do every little thing."
"He conveniently forgets to empty the trash (mop the floor,
  set the table, clean the bathroom, put down the toilet seat.)"
"She never wipes down the shower."
"She never turns out the lights."
"He thinks he's doing me a big favor to cook dinner, but uses
  every pot in the kitchen and leaves them for me to wash!"

Do any of these sound familiar?
Does it sometimes seem intentional or even spiteful?
Do you take it personally?

2. HOT BUTTONS, HOT SEATS, HOT HEADS

Yes, often someone feels disrespected or discounted or disdained
or any of those other 'dis' words I describe in previous
e-letters.

Taking something personally is connected to feeling rejected and
feeling rejected means feeling 'dissed' in some way.


And what do you get? Lots of misunderstandings and hurt feelings
leading to anger and resentment.

Take a quiet, non-emotional moment to look at it. Perhaps you
can acknowledge the other person's action (or non-action) may
not be intentional. Although it seemed like it at the time, their
words or look or tone of voice may not be meant to hurt you

You can even remind yourself, as I write in DON'T TAKE IT
PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION, that
"Not thinking' doesn't mean 'not caring." Sometimes people just
don't think the same way as we do.

No question that household chores are a hot button topic for many
couples. So hot in fact, that discussions heat up, accusations
sizzle, and tempers flare.

So what to do about it?

In my work with couples I discovered an idea that works.  Why 
not reframe 'sharing household chores' to 'working in the spirit
of teamwork.'

The framework of 'teamwork' puts a different slant on the issue.

In the Spirit of Teamwork

In my work with couples, I encourage them to roll up their
sleeves, put their heads together and come up with some creative
ideas for getting things done. We look at it in the spirit of
teamwork and cooperation.

Then we take a good look at how teamwork can enhance the
relationship.

- What does teamwork mean to each one?
- What does it mean to be 'a good team player'? 
- What are their goals? Individual and together?
- What are their expected outcomes?
- What are their challenges?
- How can they work together effectively? What situations work
  best? What might get in their way?
- Are they communicating clearly?

We then explore the ways teamwork already exists in their
relationship. Then we look for ways to enhance what is already
there.

We look for a way or two that they are already a good team. Maybe
one helps with the other's business, or is supportive of projects
and endeavors.  Maybe they're a great team at planning parties or
meals or trips. Maybe they even travel well together. Or share
parenting decisions or functions.

- Can they identify the areas in which they are already a
   good team?
- Can they employ teamwork and/or team building skills learned
   in professional areas of their lives?
- Can they take these personal and professional skills and
   transfer them to a new area that needs some good teamwork ? 
For example, sharing household chores?

In BREATHING ROOM - CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE (New Harbinger)
I suggest three important ingredients for a connected and intimate
relationship:

- Ability to give and accept respect
- Capacity for self-disclosure, including the ability to be
   sincere, honest, and authentic, and to show vulnerability
   and trust
- Capability for 'teamwork' in the partnership.

Then I provide a definition of teamwork: "Providing support and
satisfactions for each other in mutually fulfilling ways . . . .
This collaboration includes flexibility, willingness to resolve
conflicts, the ability to work and play together, and consideration
of the needs and goals of your partner."

http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

Teamwork in personal and professional relationships

Good teamwork skills exist in both personal and professional
relationships:

- recognizing each other's strong points
- valuing and respecting each other
- agreeing to fully participate
- working together cooperatively
- identifying how each person is part of something larger
   than him or herself
- understanding how each one fits into the bigger picture

3. REGARDING RESPECT, APPRECIATION AND PERSUASION

RESPECT is a key ingredient here.

By respecting ourselves, we can ask directly for what we need and
want in the way of cooperation from the other person.

By speaking respectfully to the other person, you increase the
chances for successful teamwork.

APPRECIATION is important too.

Sometimes it's the small considerations and kindnesses that our
partner does. These could be meaningful if only we would notice
them and give appreciation. "Thank you" goes a long way toward
developing connection. However, first you have to notice.

Successful teamwork depends on developing
EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS:

- Listening to each other's ideas and concerns
- Respectful Questioning
- Respectful Persuading when appropriate
- Clear, unambiguous communication

Many of us grew up with confusing and even crazy-making
communication models. Maybe people said one thing and seemed
to mean another. Maybe things just didn't get said, only hinted
at.  Maybe we were expected to somehow read someone's mind.

Yes, it is a struggle for many of us to communicate clearly and
directly with another person. It is not easy to say what we mean
and to make sure the other person is hearing and understanding us.

PERSUASION AND NEGOTIATING SKILLS
And when it's time to be persuasive and negotiate agreements,
here are some tips:

- Be direct. Ask for what works best for you. If you don't ask, the
   answer is always 'no.'

- Be direct. Turn complaints into clear statements of what you
  really yearn for. Under every act of complaining is a yearning
  for something to be different. Your job is to know what that
  something is.

- Be direct. Don't cross your fingers and hope that the other person
  will read your mind. You'll only be disappointed.

Learning to be direct gives you a ticket to success. I believe the
many inquiries I receive about my communication coaching reflect
the optimism out there. Folks seem optimistic that communicating
clearly and directly is do-able with a little coaching and a lot
of practice.

I really believe that folks are aware that good communication is
the foundation of good teamwork.
And good teamwork is the foundation of successful work and
personal relationships. And they'll do what it takes to achieve this
success in their personal and professional lives.

4. TASKS AND TEAMWORK

Now that we've explored teamwork, let's take a look at tasks.

What does sharing household chores mean? 

Couples use different styles of doing chores and what works for
one couple may not work for another:

1- Overly defined assignments with no space for flexibility.
2- Occasional chore rotations.
3- No definitions for chores. Someone sees something needs to be
    done, and steps in and does it.
4- Chores don't get done.

Let's take a look at how these styles of doing chores can affect
the relationship.


Overly Defined Assignments Leave No Space for Flexibility

Some couples have task assignments, but if one of them is
unhappy about doing certain chores, there is not room for
discussion.

Here's a common complaint: "I agreed to carry out the trash every
day, and I honestly thought it was an OK chore.  But now I'm tired
of it, I find I'm forgetting to do it, and my partner gets upset
with me."

Consider this idea from BREATHING ROOM: "Each person
has strong points that they bring to the relationship. For example,
how do  couples decide who cooks, or does the dishes, cleans the 
toilet bowl, vacuums, or takes out the trash? Some couples decide
who does what chores by stating preferences. For example, 'I like
this one, and I don’t like to do that one.'"

Chore Rotation to the Rescue!

Maybe it's time for a change of task assignment. Occasional
rotation can be a good thing. Does it HAVE to be written in
concrete just because an agreement was once made?  A little
flexibility might save your relationship from unnecessary
stresses.

Can you allow space for your partner to say, "I don't want
to do this chore for a while (or ever)?
Can you communicate your own distaste for a certain chore
to your partner?

Lack of Definition Makes It Very Hit or Miss

Some couples don't have assigned chores. One or the other
steps in and does what has to be done. But it often feels
uneven and unfair.  It's a fertile place for resentment
to grow. And grow.

5. THE DANCE OF THE OVER-FUNCTIONER AND THE UNDER-FUNCTIONER

Resentment especially grows when one person is an
over-functioner and the other is an under-functioner.
Couples often borrow, lend, or trade the ability to
function within the relationship.

Again from BREATHING ROOM: "In order to feel needed and
more useful, the overadequate partner may need the partner
to feel less than competent. This desire is frequently
related to a need to control things, to feel effective
adequate and worthwhile.

"It’s most likely similar to the old childhood job
description: “the responsible one,” or “the capable one,”
or the “good boy or girl.” Did you grow up being the one
everyone depended on? Did you prop people up? Were you sure
things would fall apart if you didn’t take charge . . . ."

This 'caretaker' identity that you created for yourself gave
you self-worth. If you don't hold on to it, would you feel
lost without it?

Or maybe you were the one on the inadequate end.  Maybe your
childhood identity card is stamped: inept, incapacitated,
incapable, inconsequential, incompetent, ineffective, inadequate,
invalidated, invisible, or inferior. Some of us carry quite a
few of these imprints.

Perhaps instead of independence, you acquired a kind of learned
helplessness. You did, however learn to under-function. If no one
expects you to remember things or to take care of business, you
probably won’t.

It's quite amazing how couples seem to find each other. The one
who needs to take over seems to find someone who needs to
have someone take over.

This is an example of 'borrowed' functioning. Both the
over-functioner and the under-functioner feel resentful. The
over-functioner feels resentful because he or she feels way
too depended on. The under-functioner resents feeling so
dependent.

By the way, many of the above circumstances and tips apply to
teamwork in both work and personal situations.
For more on Workplace Teamwork tips see Craig Harrison's
www.Expressions of Excellence.com article:  http://tinyurl.com/ysyn6v

Why not experiment with relationship success? Try bringing some
teamwork into both your personal and professional life.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.