Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

Penn State: Breaches of Trust, Betrayals and Looking the Other Way

by Elayne Savage, PhD

What an abuse of power! How could it take 15 years before authorities intervened and someone did something to stop the abuse and protect the children?

New stories keep emerging about Penn State and Jerry Sandusky. And now there are accusations about The Citadel and Syracuse University. What are the odds there’ll be more?

You are probably familiar with the Grand Jury indictment details. If you want an excellent timeline, here's a link.

 http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/college/penn-state-scandal-timeline-sex-abuse-scandal-rocked-happy-valley-article-1.976843#ixzz1ddbvOb6N

Trying to make sense of it all, I began to write down my feelings. Like so many of you, I too have been touched by this story and found it stirred up childhood experiences. I'd like to share some of my thoughts with you. Perhaps my reflections will help you sort through your own reactions.

The most disturbing aspect of all this is the grownups' failure to protect the children.

 Wearing Blinders and Failing to Protect

Some of my visceral reactions are personal. But you might have guessed that. Childhood memories come flooding back – of all the times I felt unsupported, unprotected and betrayed by adults who should have been acting like adults, but didn't. Or couldn't. Or wouldn't.

Part of my response is professional. My coaching and psychotherapy clients want to talk about feeling abandoned by grownups who should have protected them. They describe the loneliness of dealing with the humiliation of abuse. How they were afraid to tell anyone. The distress that comes with keeping secrets.

Writing this has been quite a process for me. Usually I send out these e-letter/blogs after one or two drafts. This one has taken much reflection and many drafts.

Many of you know I'm a psychotherapist and workplace coach specializing in how not to take rejection and disappointment so personally. Do you also know my ideas on rejection came out of many years in Child Protective Services in San Francisco?

In over 25 years in private practice I've worked with hundreds of men and women who were abused as children. I've taught child abuse reporting to mental health professionals. And I was on a task force that defined psychological maltreatment for mental health professionals worldwide.

I thought I'd heard every story imaginable, on every aspect of abuse. I was wrong.

I was astounded to read how, for so many years, Penn State officials did absolutely nothing to protect children from Jerry Sandusky. No one stepped in to stop the abuse. No one made the phone call that would have ended it. Didn't anyone care?

Much of the heartbreak for abuse victims comes from knowing that others did nothing to protect them.

Family members, teachers, clergy, and other responsible adults often appear to be wearing blinders, obscuring their vision, perception and ability to do the right thing.

I'd heard many stories about parental inaction – not protecting children from various kinds of abusive behavior.

Clients relate how their parents would look the other way when they told them about being bullied or abused by schoolmates. Instead of comforting and protecting them, their parents would say, "You need to toughen up." Now, as adults they continue to be wary of others; not daring to ask for help when they need it.

Here's how one woman describes not being protected when her teenage brother abused her. It started at age ten.

"He molested me in his bedroom, which was actually an alcove off the main hallway. There was no door. Mother, going about her chores, would walk back and forth along the hallway. Now she insists, 'I didn't see a thing.'"

Maybe she was ‘looking the other way.’

I asked my client to find out if her mother might have been molested as a child. And indeed she was. Maybe she "didn't see a thing" because it might have stirred up her own painful childhood memories.

My client, now in her mid- forties, feels betrayed by her mother for not stopping the abuse. Like so many other survivors of abuse and neglect, this failure to protect affects her ability to trust. It permeates all of her relationships.

Looking the Other Way

The Penn State powers-that-be seemed to be ‘looking the other way' as well.

For a decade and a half University officials abandoned the children by ignoring, dismissing and rationalizing known actions of Jerry Sandusky.

The message was clear: the reputation of the school was more important than the welfare of the children.

Then-graduate assistant Mike McQueary reported witnessing the rape of a 10 year old in the showers by Sandusky in 2002. Unfortunately his information was reduced to "horsing around in the shower." No report was made to police or the child protection agency as required by law.

Nothing was done at the time to prevent Jerry Sandusky from molesting again.

What prevented PSU officials from acting like responsible adults?
How many other boys have been abused since those first reports?
What toll has it taken on the abused children and their families?

Hero-worship Runs Interference

 Why did Penn State officials do nothing for 15 years? John Baer, PSU alum and Political Columnist for the Philadelphia Daily News captures the political situation at the school:

"The zealous loyalty of its grads and the power of its deity, football . . . . the pull of Penn State football, to a large portion of the state, is nothing short of magnetic."

Baer asks: "Is it an extreme example of an institutional attitude? Evidence of an unspoken doctrine? 'We don't play by the same rules as other, lesser schools.'"

"Charges of a cover up . . . suggest a conspiracy of secrecy, one designed with a single goal: to protect the house that Joe (Paterno) built." 

Baer goes on to say, "the school grew a reputation for self-protection, arrogance and self-righteous superiority. The real world was elsewhere. This was a world unto itself: a better world." 

Was it this attitude of superiority and untouchable-ness that led to covering up these atrocities for so long?

Were they looking the other way?
Were they aiding and abetting?
Were they accessories after the fact?
Did they obstruct justice?

Rationalizations and confused thinking do not excuse actions like these.

How could they so easily sacrifice those young boys, simply to protect their sports program? What kind of reasoning did they give themselves that allowed them to choose not to protect children from further abuse by a sexual predator? 

How could their priorities get so screwed up?

From the Grand Jury report and indictment, we know of the existence of eight victims over this 15-year period. What will the final total be?

What if grownups had stepped in and stopped Sandusky's behavior in 1998, when incidents of sexual abuse were first reported? University President Graham Spanier is a sociologist and family therapist. What was he thinking?

The Long Tentacles of Abuse

Fear and anxiety are constant companions of abused children. For them, it is not a matter of IF the abuse will come, but WHEN it will it come again.

Abused children hold their breath, waiting for the next time, trying to steel themselves against the physical and emotional pain. This fear and anxiety travel with them into adulthood. The effects of abuse are often devastating.

 The American Heart Association presented a recent study linking childhood abuse of women to increased risk of adult heart attacks and strokes. In 2008, the Center for Disease Control found 772,000 children were victims of maltreatment – including neglect and physical, sexual and emotional abuse – but many more cases go unreported.

http://www.ama-assn.org/amednews/2011/11/21/hlsb1122.htm

Whether it is physical, sexual, emotional abuse or neglect, the messages we take in about the safety of our world and the people in it leave a lasting imprin

Trusting becomes a lifelong struggle.

More than personal relationships become damaged. Workplace problems develop as well. 'Personality Conflicts' are really about distrust, perceived rejection and taking things personally.

Rejection is the Underlying Theme of Childhood Abuse

Rejection is the underlying message running throughout all forms of childhood abuse and neglect.

Whenever sexual or physical abuse occurs, you'll find a psychological message present - of disrespect, degradation and humiliation.

At what point does the world cease to be a safe place?
How long, before self-rejecting messages start to take hold?
When does self-esteem begin to suffer?

The child receives the message he or she is worthless or flawed – valuable only for meeting someone else’s needs.

What a betrayal of trust when an authority figure takes advantage of a vulnerable child! And it is especially difficult for the child to refuse inappropriate advances when that person is a revered mentor, teacher or coach.

As one of Jerry Sandusky's victim's observed, "You just can't tell Jerry ‘No,"

A Glimmer of Hope

I'm writing this because I had to. And with the hope that I might raise awareness about the long-term effects of childhood abuse and neglect.

I especially hope this helps 'give permission' to speak out about being abused, harassed or bullied. The spotlight on the Penn State story hopefully will allow children and adults to talk to someone they can trust – even years after the incidents took place. This could be a parent, teacher, clergyperson or counselor.

When closely held secrets are finally told, healing can follow.

Here's where you can help out. If you find yourself feeling uneasy about the safety of a child and feel that child needs protecting, you can call 800-4-ACHILD.

Make the call and describe what you suspect is happening. You don't have to have 'proof' of abuse or neglect. That's up to investigators to determine. You can make the call anonymously if necessary, but please make it. 

What do you think? Would you like to have a dialogue about any of the issues raised here? I welcome your comments, your concerns and your stories. You can post under 'comments' on the blog: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com or email me at elayne@QueenofRejection.com 

If you want more information on rejection, abuse and neglect, 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' explores these issues in depth.

http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

 Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Rewriting the Messages of Childhood

by Elayne Savage, PhD

Wendy Wasserstein was the first woman playwright to win a Tony Award, and a Pulitzer as well for 'The Heidi Chronicles.'

She died of lymphoma in 2006. She was 55 years old.

In Julie Salamon's 'Wendy and the Lost Boys: The Uncommon Life of Wendy Wasserstein' we understand how the onslaught of childhood rejection messages affected the woman she grew into.

Wendy's Story - "Look at That Fat Girl"

The mother, Lola Wasserstein, pushed Wendy to succeed yet undermined her with criticism. The book describes how, walking down the street together, Lola Wasserstein might point to the crowd and inform her daughter, “They are all looking at you and thinking, ‘Look at that fat girl.’

It's no surprise that Wendy had a life-long discomfort with her body.

Any of us who grew up with family secrets can relate to how it must have felt for Wendy to learn as an adult that there was a fifth brother who was never spoken about. First-born Abner had been sent away to an institution years earlier.
 
Wendy grew up shrouding herself in her own secrets. She made friends easily and people felt connected to her, yet Salamon writes that she used “humour as a dodge, intimacy as a smoke screen.” She had great difficulty connecting with friends on an authentic level. Her closest friends wondered how well they knew her. She had a baby at age 48, never revealing the identify of the father.

Wendy was the youngest of five born to Polish immigrant parents who had big dreams for their children. And surely they were ultra-achievers.

Sandra, the eldest, became a high-ranking corporate executive. She died at age 60, a few years before Wendy's death. Georgette, the middle daughter, became the successful owner of a large country inn in Vermont. Bruce was a billionaire investment banker who died in 2009 at age 61. His death was surrounded by secrecy as was much of his life. Another testimony to the power of the childhood messages he grew up with.

Let's take a look at how the experiences we have in childhood can affect our personal and professional lives as adults. And then consider what we can do to change that.

Wendy Wasserstein once said: "Sometimes if you can create order out of experiences, it lets you pass through them."

The stories below happen to be messages from families. Some of the most damaging messages, however, come from teachers and peers.

Hannah's Story - "They'll Find Out I'm an Imposter"

Hannah's mother would say, "What makes you think you can do that?" And Hannah tried so hard to please her, but the response would be "you didn't do a good enough job - you really disappoint me."

Is it any surprise that Hannah, a successful consultant, becomes overly anxious before each client meeting. She tells  herself: I'll disappoint them for sure. I won't be as good as they expect me to be."

Our work together concentrates on how she can build on her successes and not automatically jump to those negative messages from childhood. We focus on the situations where she has been effective. Doing a good job no longer has to be dependent on her impossible-to-please-mother! What would it take for her to stop taking that old message so personally?

Ryan's Story - "I Feel Like the End of the Food Chain"

"'That idea is foolish' my mother would say." My needs or style were never honored. I was expected to do things their way. To think like them. I never had a say. I felt invisible and inadequate."

And this situation is recreated often in Ryan's contract work interactions. Once again he feels powerless, afraid to rock the boat with clients, hearing the old childhood refrain in his head: "Don't upset your mother." These days this translates to, "Don't upset the client."

Related to this is the childhood injunction: "Don't questions us - it's disrespectful."

This means Ryan had to guess the meaning when it was not clear. And in his family, communication was often murky - full of undefined meaning.

You can imagine how this plays out in his dealing with clients who are fuzzy in communicating their ideas and goals for a project. "It's sure hard to keep persevering and go after direct answers when the message of 'Questioning is bad' plays in my head."

Working together our job is to find ways for Ryan to move past those powerful growing up messages. To separate the 'then' from the 'now.' Can Ryan remind himself that as a young person he felt he did not have options for responding. Can he remind himself that as an adult he does have the power of choice. If only he can stay in the  present and not get overwhelmed by the past.

Julia's Story - "I Feel Obligated To Take Care of Others"

"My mother's message to me was 'You don't need a romantic relationship or friends. You have me.' And in fact she was my drinking buddy when I was in high school. I took care of her then. And I still do.

"I guess I feel obligated to take care of others. I can see how I choose under-functioning boyfriends that I can 'save.'" Then my own needs get lost and I'm not taking very good care of myself.

We looked at how Julia can nurture herself. She decided to concentrate on healthful ways of doing this: Long walks with a friend, yoga classes, regular massages, eating mindfully.

Providing a Mirror

I'm curious what kinds of rejection, non-acceptance messages were passed down throughout the generations in the Wasserstein family. It's fascinating to show my clients how to diagram a 3-generational Genogram, noting the spoken (and unspoken) messages that are passed down.

'Grandma Passes Down More Than Just Her China.' is one of my most popular workshops (and a section in my first book, 'Don't Take It Personally!').
She and grandpa also pass down family traditions, attitudes, beliefs, myths, scripts, roles, rules, expectations, disappointments, and rejection messages. And if we're lucky, we get a dose of acceptance, respect  and validation as well.

Every day in my relationship and workplace coaching practice I hear similar stories to those told here. I'm sharing a few with you because stories like these provide a mirror for you to remember your own experiences, create order out of them, imagine choices for change, and pass through them.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Do you, too, have childhood memories to share? And how have they affected your personal or professional relationships? I'd very much like
to hear your stories. You can post on my blog under comments:
http://www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com
or email me at:
elayne@QueenofRejection.com

And let me know if I can be a resource to you in any way.

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Self-Sabotage - The Gremlin That Ruins Relationships and Careers

By Elayne Savage PhD

A note about self-sabotage: 
I  touched on the topic of self-sabotage in these two radio programs:

EmotionalPro with Ilene Dillon

http://emotionalpro.com/archives/3577  

Your Life, Your Relationships with Hollis Polk   

http://www.progressiveradionetwork.com/your-life-your-relationships/                                          The June 1, 2011 podcast

Self-sabotage is such a fascinating subject - and many of you wrote wanting more information. So here you go . . .


Yet another incident of sexting by an elected official was just reported by the media. This time a Louisiana councilman. You're probably as weary of the copious coverage as I am.

Yet, once again I find myself reading all about it. And perhaps a bit embarrassed that I'm so intrigued by the goings on.

I was amazed at the media frenzy surrounding the reports of Anthony Weiner sexting on Twitter. I Is it my imagination or is the media's lust for exposing secret lives of public figures escalating? You know the list: Arnold Schwartsenegger, John Ensign, John Edwards,Mark Sanford, Mark Foley, David Vitter, Eliot Spitzer, Larry Craig, and Bill Clinton. Did I leave anyone  out?

What propels public figures to engage in this kind of risky behavior?

How do they justify behavior that could cause them to self-implode? How do they rationalize self-destructive behavior that, if discovered, will probably lead to loss of careers, families and respect? How much energy are they putting into leading a double life? Why are public figures seemingly driven to take risks that could lead to facing public exposure, censure, rejection — and the subsequent shame and humiliation?

Or for that matter, why would any of us take these kinds of risks?

- Do they think they can get away with stuff because they are  powerful people? 

- Do they think they are so special they won't get caught?

- Are they are driven in a way that they can't stop themselves? Is it part of the love/sex addiction cycle of stress/anxiety/self-doubt leading to acting out behavior? (Resource: Patrick J. Carnes, 'Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction'. 3rd Edition, 2001. Hazelden.)

- Is about that "high" received from the hit of adrenaline when they engage in the behavior? The momentary feeling of power or conquest?

- Might they want to get caught so the behavior will stop?

- Could this be self-sabotaging behavior?

Let's focus on the self-sabotaging part.

How Do We Self-Sabotage? Let Me Count the Ways!
For the sake of trying to make sense out of it, let's call this kind of risky behavior 'self-sabotaging behavior.' Surely they are blocking their success by working against their own best interests. Most certainly they are sabotaging their family relationships, their careers and the trust folks have put in them. Surely they are sabotaging their reputations, and their potential to accomplish their goals and dreams.

How might this self-defeating behavior happen, and why?

Self-sabotage is self-rejecting behavior. And there are a multitude of ways we manage to sabotage ourselves. Let's try to understand how it happens.

The dictionary definition of sabotage is 'an act or process tending to hamper or hurt' or 'any undermining of a cause.'

However I always think the best description of 'sabotage' is the visual image that history offers.

Origins of "Sabotage"
You may know that 'sabot' is a French word meaning wooden shoe or clog. It's said the term originated during the Industrial Revolution when discontented workers threw their sabots into factory machinery to damage it. The word 'saboteur' came to mean 'working carelessly,' 'clumsiness,’  'botching' or ‘bungling,’ The meaning broadened to include any purposeful and disruptive behavior.

What are the ways you sabotage yourself? How do you jam-up, clog, or stop your machinery?

Over the years I've been an expert  at self-sabotage. I've encountered windows of opportunity, but let them float by without acting. I have been known to mis-address correspondence, make typing errors on important emails when I wanted to impress someone, and misspeak on quite a few occasions.  Once I even missed a plane when I was on my way to present a program for an out-of state organization! 

Now I recheck things more than once before sending them out and plan carefully - especially when I want to impress someone.

Do you ever find yourself clogging up your machinery with self-doubt about capability and competence. Are you sometimes overcome with feelings of inadequacy?

Self-sabotage can take a myriad of forms. We sabotage relationships — both work and personal. We sabotage our well-being. We sabotage respect for ourselves.

- Have you ever pushed yourself so hard on the treadmill or bicycling or running that you strain a muscle and can't exercise again for two weeks. That, too, is a form of self-sabotage, even though it really feels good in the moment.

- Sometimes we make relationship choices that are set-ups for rejection and disappointment — another form of self-sabotage.

- Sloppy business practices are another form of self-sabotage.

- Missed opportunities, not listening carefully enough  to our inner voice.

- Sometimes we seem to have a need to punish ourselves. Maybe even for every "bad" thing we've ever done!Self-sabotage is often  the method of choice. Most of the time we aren't really aware we are doing it.

Can you think of other ways?

Self-sabotage is one of the ways we deal with stress and anxiety. Other ways we deflect anxiety are avoidance, procrastination, perfectionism, and making excuses.

My earlier e-letter/blogs have addressed the the tug-of-war of ambivalence:
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/ambivalence/
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2006/12/whispers_and_ro.html

And here is link that explores the fears we encounter when we put ourselves out there and try something new:
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2006/11/fear_of_tryingt.html

Often we find ourselves hitting the wall of Resistance (with a capital 'R') as Steven Pressfield so exquisitely describes in 'The War of Art.'

'The War of Art' (A book about Inner Battles)
Robert McKee in a Forward to the 'The War of Art' (Warner, 2003) says Resistance is Pressfield's  "all-encompassing term for what Freud called the Death Wish — that destructive force inside human nature that rises whenever we consider a tough, tong-term course of action that might do for us or others something that's actually good."  He goes on to describe the manifestations of Resistance as "a force that lives within us all — self-sabotage, self-deception and self-corruption."

Pressfield describes Resistance: ". . . the most toxic force on the planet . . . To yield to Resistance deforms our spirit. It stunts us and makes us less than we are and were born to be . . . As powerful as is our soul's call to realization, so potent are the forces of Resistance arrayed against it . . . Resistance defeats us. If tomorrow morning by some stroke of magic every dazed and benighted soul woke up with the power to take the first step toward pursuing his or her dreams, overnight every shrink in the directory would be out of business. Prisons would stand empty. The alcohol and tobacco industries would collapse, along with the junk food, cosmetic surgery, and infotainment businesses, not to mention pharmaceutical companies, hospitals and the medical profession from top to bottom. Domestic abuse would become extinct, as would addiction, obesity, migraine headaches, road rage and dandruff."

Self-doubt, Self-rejection and Self-destruction
On the surface pubic figures may appear self-confident and self-assured. Certainly they are persuasive and opportunistic in ways that can serve to benefit others.

And yet, underneath the polished, and successful exterior, there may be heaps of low self-worth lying around.

Perhaps when politicians and other public figures engage in risk-taking behavior, this might be connected to their deep down feelings of inadequacy, insecurity and unworthyness.

It might come from a core belief that in reality they are a loser. Then, as this premise repeats itself over time, it leads to negative and disappointing outcomes. And instead of pretending to be what they are may feel like a huge relief.

You Can Change Your Perceptions
Usually these thoughts are below our radar and we're not consciously aware of them.

In order to overcome self-sabotage we first have to become aware of them. If we can't see something, we can't change it. 

We have to recognize our doubts and fears and understand how they affect our behaviors. You've heard me talk about 'walking alongs side yourself' and mindfully recognizing your thoughts and behaviors, then making a conscious choice to experiment with trying out new behavior.

Ask yourself: Why might I be holding myself back? What am I uncomfortable about?What uncertainties do I have? What might I be afraid of?

Which am I afraid of more — failure or success?

Ask  yourself "What's the worst thing that could happen?" Then say the answer out loud. Even better to state it out loud to another person like a partner, friend, coach or therapist. Hearing yourself say the words seems to take the charge off of the fear.

What would it take for you to become your own best supporter instead of your worst saboteur?

© Elayne Savage PhD

I'd love to hear what you think about this topic.

You can post on my blog under comments:
http://www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com
or email me at:
elayne@QueenofRejection.com

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs  

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a relationship and workplace communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Dealing with Feeling Left Out

By Elayne Savage, PhD

May is Mental Health Month. Let's take a look at how stressful everyday work and personal situations can be. Relationships, productivity, and our physical and emotional well-being are affected.

Changing the way we think about something does wonders to change how we feel about ourselves, our world and the people in it.

Rejection, fear of rejection, and disappointments often lead to taking things personally. Taking things personally saps our energy and productivity, especially when we dwell on perceived slights for hours, or even days.

Based on the emails I've been receiving, a lot of people would like to focus on a huge topic - feeling left out. So let's take a look.

For example, Ginny writes about a recent strategy meeting with her manager and a co-worker. When she walked into the conference room the manager and co-worker were already there, chatting away. Their giggly, chummy behavior continued - and they acted as if Ginny wasn't there. It felt exclusionary and hurtful. It was definitely awkward. Once they got down to business, Ginny still felt left out. She could barely concentrate on the discussion. Her mind kept going to the negative messages she was telling herself about why they were excluding her.

And the rest of the day was shot as well. Ginny found it almost  impossible to concentrate on her project. She found her mind traveling back to the experience in the conference room. And that awful feeling in the pit of her stomach.

She wanted to explore it with me during a session. I asked, "When have you felt this way in the past?" Ginny connected it to interactions with peers. "In Middle School, and High School, too." Ginny had lots of memories of feeling left out, unwanted, like an outsider: "I  felt ignored, hurt, and lonely. It felt as though I was always knocking on doors, wanting to be let in and there was no entry.

"I remember a couple of times some girls were whispering when I walked into the room. They noticed me and stopped talking. And then there were the times I was so hurt when I wasn't invited to a party, even when I was a little girl." 

Group interactions can be especially troublesome and hurtful: Another client remembers, “I felt like a third wheel with my friends . . . I'd find myself walking two steps behind them, then three . . . feeling sorry for myself . . . each step I took intensified my sense of being on the outside creating an even more intensified sense of being on the outside . . . becoming more and more invisible, thinking, ‘They’re so involved in conversation, they don’t even notice I’m not walking with them.'

“Sometimes, all these years later, I still find myself dropping back when I’m walking with two other people - and feeling sorry for myself just as I did in the old days.”

Can you relate to this painful common teen experience? Have you experienced being left out when you are with friends? Does that feeling still affect you now? What are your other left out experiences? I welcome your experiences in the comment section at www.QueenofRejection.com .

Not Making the Cut

Andrew expected to be chosen to be included in an upcoming coveted project. For several weeks he had been imagining himself as part of this prestigious team and how it would look on is resume. He was devastated when he was passed over. The intensity of his reaction surprised him.

When has Andrew felt this way before? He recognized the feeling right away:There have been many sports fantasies that didn't turn out the way he dreamed. He was a slight kid who was usually chosen last for the softball games even though he was a pretty good hitter. "When I’d come up to bat I’d hear the other kids whispering, ‘He’s an easy out.' I guess you could say the position I played was 'left out.' If no one gave me a chance, how could I ever prove myself? It just didn't seem fair!"

And not being chosen for the project at work brought up all those old feelings. By making these connections and understanding his reactions in his current situation, Andrew was able to gain enough distance from old hurts and move on to new challenges.

Going Invisible

Danielle tried hard to be noticed in school, but always felt invisible to others. She thought she was speaking up a lot in class, but as we talked about it, she realized her actions actually contributed to classmates not seeing and hearing her. "I had trouble making eye contact and I'd lower my voice to a whisper. No wonder no one noticed me!"

There are dozens of 'feeling left out' stories in 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art if Dealing with Rejection' especially in the chapter on peer rejection - "Friends Today, Gone Tomorrow."
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

On the Outside Looking In

On a personal note, I've been struggling with left out experiences most of my life. I grew up feeling different from other people. Mostly it was about not having a mother in a world where every family seemed to be intact.

If you read my writings or have heard me speak professionally, you know the story of the plane crash that killed my mother and grandmother when I was twelve. When my mother told me she was leaving to take my grandmother to the Mayo clinic, I saw it as my mother choosing my grandmother over me. I felt left out. And the next thing I knew, they were dead.

Having a mother who’d died in a nationally publicized accident was not only devastating but mortifying.

The first day of eighth grade was a week after the plane crash. I was walking across the schoolyard where students were clustered. As soon as they spotted me, they stopped talking. I just knew they had been talking about me, feeling sorry for me. I remember feeling incredibly different from everyone - like the only person in the world without a mother. I was the center of attention, yet I was alone and lonely.

I felt like a freak.

Another factor in my 'left out' growing up experiences was moving several times back and forth across the country. Each community has different customs, even different accents. Learning new social skills and rules is a set-up for rejection. Being 'different' is often not well tolerated well by peers. I made lots of embarrassing blunders. I felt on the outside looking in.

Interestingly, at a recent high-school reunion, we were sitting around reminiscing, and I heard one of the most popular guys say how he never felt part of the crowd. I couldn't believe he said that. I was shocked. I always saw him as being the very center of everything, but it seems he didn’t feel that way. And here I thought it was just me who was so sensitive.

There are lots of times over the years when 'left out' feelings re-emerge and knock me off my center. It took a long time, but  I have learned how not to feel overwhelmed by these feelings anymore. They just don't have the negative power over me anymore that they once had. 

As I "walk along side myself," I pay attention to my process and notice how I may be feeling rejected, taking something personally or giving myself self-rejecting messages.

As I noted above, changing the way we think about something does wonders to  change our behavior and relationships. Here are some tips that have worked for me, my psychotherapy and consultation clients:

• Learn to recognize the signs when those “left out” feelings start to take over.

• Remind yourself that you may be feeling rejected at these times - even betrayed or abandoned. But that may not be how others perceive their interaction with you.

• Putting words to your feelings will help define the situation for you. Speaking them out loud to safe people is even better.

By understanding your history and process about feeling left out you will be able to change the way you respond to overwhelming feelings. And its easier to keep your balance and your composure.

It helps to ask yourself some questions to understand what you are experiencing:

• Am I taking this personally? How?

• Is there any cause for me to feel threatened?

• Am I feeling rejected in some way?

• Where did this reaction come from? Is it something “old”?

And most likely it is an old message we picked up while navigating the bumpy road of peer or family interactions. Discovering what that message is lets you make choices about whether you want to continue down that same path or back up to the fork in the road and explore another direction.

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

What's Going to Happen to Me? Facing and Overcoming Fear

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Fear is in the air and it’s contagious. Like a bad cold or a mean flu.

Fear can be debilitating. The worry, apprehension and anxiety brings on a stuck place, a kind of paralysis.
 
It’s difficult to think clearly or act decisively. And to complicate matters, it’s hard to escape the hourly fueling and fanning of fear by the media and politicians.
 
There is something else in the air as well - helplessness and uncertainty. When these powerful, responses are rooted in early experiences, a child-like fright can take over. We start re-experiencing those times when we were young and terrified and helpless. Like waking up from a bad nightmare.
 
And a small voice asks, “What’s going to happen to me?”
 
Let’s put this overwhelm in perspective:
How you are affected by outside events
Why you are debilitated to this degree
What steps you can take to overcome the fear
 
Looking at Loss
As a workplace coach and family therapist, each day brings more stories about the economy’s impact on us. Tensions are great. Stress is rampant. Relationships are incredibly strained.
 
People feel helpless, insecure and frightened.
 
The connecting theme in these experiences is Loss. Losing a job not only means loss of income. It brings along loss of routine, loss of independence, loss of respect, and loss of identity. Losing a home or savings fosters loss of security and loss of well-being and loss of a dream. And for some, the loss of hope.
 
And the small voice asks, “What’s going to happen to me?”
 
Facing and navigating loss is even more complicated when it reminds you of painful losses from early years. A pet dies. A childhood friend moves away. You move away – to another school across town or across the country. An older brother or sister goes off to college, leaving a void in your world.
 
Early loss takes other forms as well. Separation or divorce. Serious illness. Someone you love dies.
 
Any of these losses can feel like abandonment. And abandonment is the most profound rejection of all.
 
Our cumulative experiences affect how we cope with present day losses.
Each new loss in the present can bring up losses from the past. Even though they seem long ago and forgotten, they still pack a wallop.
 
Disappointments
Disappointments are loss, too. Most of us as children felt disappointed in someone or something.
 
Maybe someone made a promise they didn’t keep. Or you didn’t get that special present. Or you had your hopes pinned on an ‘A.’ Or you found out you couldn’t count on someone you trusted.
 
As we grow up each new disappointment reminds us of past experiences. Who hasn’t believed exaggerated promises or engaged in some wishful thinking? Or put someone on a pedestal, only to watch them stumble and tumble?
 
There’s a fine line between hopeful positive thinking and unrealistic expectations. Reality can be a hard landing place.
 
Unrealistic expectations are setups for disappointment, disillusionment, and resentment. And when we’re too invested in a certain outcome, we tend to take disappointment personally.
 
That’s when disappointment feels like rejection.
 
Loss Of Trust
Have you ever struggled with loss of trust, Including powerful feelings of disloyalty and betrayal? Can you see how losing a job might feel unfair? Or disloyal? When your employer promises security and you trust this, it feels like a betrayal when the job evaporates.
 
The extent of your reaction to loss of a job or a promised project might be influenced by your past experiences with trust, unfairness, disloyalty or betrayal.
 
Trust is fragile. When it is violated, it is difficult to restore.
 
Loss of Identity
Layoffs and forced early retirement are common occurrences these days. These sudden shifts in structured time leave large holes in normal routines. We feel lost.
 
Losing employment can bring on loss of identity. Work is a touchstone for how you think of yourself. Losing this identity throws you off-kilter. How to fill this void creates quite a challenge.
 
Loss Feels Like Rejection
Each of these losses and disappointments can feel like rejection or self-rejection. Rejection is feeling “dissed” in some way: disrespected, dismissed, discarded, dispensable, discounted, disenfranchised or dishonored.
 
When you feel wounded at such a deep place, it’s hard not to take the hurt personally.
 
When we take something personally, we see ourselves as a target, perceiving someone’s actions as a personal affront. We feel slighted, or wronged, or attacked. Then we begin to question our self-worth and go to a self-rejecting place. All too often we give up our power to the person or situation that causes us to feel hurt.
 
Each of these losses incubates fear and apprehension. What a lonely feeling fear can be. You may want to retreat, lick your wounds and suffer in silence. You might find it difficult to reach out and connect to others. And yet, reaching out and building relationships is one of the best ways to take care of yourself at times like these.
 
Reaching Out
Can you talk to a partner or friend? A spiritual leader or teacher? What about a counselor, coach or psychotherapist? Social networking or on-line forums can work, too.
 
Can you put words to your worries and fears? Write them down, and then read them out loud. At least to yourself. Hearing the sound of the words makes a difference.
 
If we don’t talk out our feelings, we act them out.
 
Acting Out
Acting out is a common way of releasing tension. It can take many forms. We're seeing a lot of anger lately. Protests, picking fights, flying into rages, antagonizing and bullying.

Some people act out by engaging in excessive behaviors - including addictive.
 
But acting out can be passive as well: foot-dragging, “yes, butting,” sulking, or giving someone the silent treatment.
 
These behaviors are ways we deal with the anxiety and pressure that build when we’re not able to put words to our feelings, worries and fears.
 
Respecting Different Coping Styles
Talking to your partner or friend is a good idea - when it works. What if you try to talk but you are disappointed by the other person’s response? What if you don’t feel heard or understood or supported?
 
We all have different styles of dealing with stress, anxiety, and fear. We learn these coping skills (or lack of them) from our family and cultural growing up experiences.
 
It’s not surprising we all have different ways of coping. After all, we grew up in different families!
 
These family ‘ways’ are passed down through the generations. As I point out in Don’t Take It Personally!, “Grandma passes down more than just her china.”
 
Unspoken fears get passed down from generation to generation as well. Chances are most of our great grandparents experienced fears around scarcity, impoverishment and loss when they immigrated to this country. These fears may have been passed along through the generations - to us.
 
Now that we are going through hard times ourselves, these heretofore dormant fears are jumping out. Scaring us. Throwing us way off-kilter.
 
Different Ways of Coping
• One person may withdraw, experiencing a kind of paralysis, while the other person mobilizes and becomes over-active.
 
• Another may cocoon, preferring alone time, while the other needs to increase their contact with others.
 
• Sometimes one is less inclined to talk about feelings and the other talks so much that it’s hard to listen anymore.
 
If either of you feels discounted, you’re most likely feeling rejected. Before you know it, someone is taking something personally. Unless you can respect each other’s styles, misunderstandings can occur. The resulting hurt feelings lead to anger and resentment.
 
Resentment takes up so much space in relationships that there’s barely room for connection. Especially in these stressful times, feeling connected is important.
 
Tips for Coping with Fear
• Give yourself permission to be afraid. These are unsettling times. However try not to cross the line into biting the ‘fear bait’ dished out by the media and politicians.
 
• Give your worst fear a name. Say it out loud. Talk it out. Hearing yourself say what you fear most can work wonders in refocusing your perspective.
 
• ‘Walk alongside yourself.’ With this mindfulness you’ll gain enough distance from the situation to see it more clearly. Try separating the “now” of the present moment from the  “then” of unpleasant childhood experiences. This frees you up from becoming overwhelmed by your feelings.
 
• This objectivity allows you to choose to make a different response. Know that your partner, friends or colleagues may deal with fear differently than you. Try not to compare.
 
• Make a plan. It provides structure, direction and reassurance.
 
• Try not to take disappointment personally. It’s an energy zapper. Even though disappointment might feel like rejection, remind yourself, “This is not about me. I can choose how much energy I give to this.”
 
Unblocking Your Energy
When you’re feeling helpless, afraid, immobilized, dazed, numbed, or stunned. When it becomes hard to think or act. Try to remember to move.
 
Move your fingers or your toes, or your body. Try to get that energy flowing.
 
Breathing In the Colors
Whenever  I find myself in a negative space, I do whatever it takes to get my energy flowing. I especially like to take a walk. Releasing those endorphins increases my feeling of well-being. While I’m walking, I breathe in the colors around me; the sky, trees, plants, flowers, structures. This keeps me present, grounded and appreciative of my world.
 
By creating options and getting the energy flowing, you won’t feel so stuck. You can tap your power and develop momentum for growing into self-acceptance and creativity.
 
Then ask yourself, “What‘s going to happen FOR me?”

 © Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne
 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
 http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more abouther speaking programs, coaching and consulting services visit

http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

 

 

Outraged, Enraged, Air Raged

by Elayne Savage, PhD

I sure can relate to the Jet Blue flight attendant who 'had it' 
with abusive passengers and exited with dramatic style.

Did it strike a chord with you, too? Have you ever had
fantasies about saying "You can take this job and shove it.
I'm outta here?"

And for some folks, he became an instant hero. I'd love to
hear your thoughts and experiences about this saga.

You know the story: Flight attendant Steven Slater was
reportedly involved in an altercation with a passenger. She
apparently cussed him out with a couple of F word expletives.

Slater, a 20 year veteran of dealing with disruptive passengers,
snapped.

Reports say he announced on the intercom: "Those of you who
have shown dignity and respect these last 20 years, thanks for a
great ride." Then he grabbed a beer from the galley, deployed the
plane's inflatable emergency chute, and along with his luggage,
slid to the tarmac. And what a dramatic exit it was!

Later he was arrested and charged with "criminal mischief,
reckless endangerment, and criminal trespass."

Wow. So many rejection and taking things personally aspects
of this story - where to begin? Let's concentrate on two:
Overreactions in the Workplace and The Psychology of Air Rage.

Over-the-top Overreactions in the Workplace
Over-the-top comments, looks, tones of voice or dismissive acts
feel like rejection and  we take them personally. It can be
devastating when we overreact in public work situations.
In spite of our good intentions and all of our customer service
and anger management training, sometimes someone crosses
the line. Something gets triggered and we have a meltdown.

It has happened to me . . .

When I was  working in San Francisco Child Protective Services,
performance was evaluated on a bell-shaped curve. Ratings out of
the middle range required written justification meaning more work
for the supervisor. Many were not willing to put in the extra
effort. Often our strengths were not acknowledged. We were not
validated for performing difficult and often dangerous work.

The job evaluation procedure was dismissive and rejecting.

It's hard not to take something personally when you are
disappointed by the actions of people you look to for support.
Even if it's not intended, it feels like rejection.

I got very angry that Evaluation Day. I left my supervisor's
office, grabbed a large box of paper clips from the supply shelf,
and threw them at the nearest wall. It was exhilarating, and it 
made a big mess.

I sure was enraged.

Rage is Anger with a History
Rage is beyond the experience of anger. Where anger reflects
something happening in the present, rage reflects overwhelming
feelings from the past.

I see rage is ‘anger with a history.’

Rage is usually connected with our early life experiences. An
event may be distressing in the present, but it can set off an
out-of-control reaction when it reminds us of painful or traumatic
experiences.

Let's look at these spring-loaded actions as metaphors for early
injustices: feeling “cut off,” “squeezed out,” “kept waiting,”
“pushed around,” “bumped,” “edged out” or “trapped.”

When a similar experience is recreated in the present, we find
ourselves re-experiencing old feelings and becoming enraged.

Outraged, Enraged and Air Raged
Air rage boils down to someone taking something personally.

Like road rage, air rage is an out of control reaction to feeling
wronged, slighted, or intruded upon. When someone invades
our personal space, we feel  disrespected.  We take it personally.

We become outraged and enraged. 

Feeling “dissed” takes a multitude of forms. Certainly it means
feeling disrespected. However, there are dozens of “diss”
words which translate into perceived rejection.

Consider the complex emotions arising from feeling disrespected,
dismissed, or disregarded What about disposable, dishonored, or
disenfranchised?

Cut Off, Squeezed Out, Kept Waiting, Pushed Around, Bumped,
Edged Out, Feeling Trapped.
By recognizing these metaphors we can better understand the
phenomenon of air age.

Kept waiting through countless lines and delays. Bumped in line by
another passenger. Jostled as you board  the plane. Pushed around
by airline personnel."Ignored' by a flight attendant who forgets to
take your order. Trapped on a crowded plane - especially when
another passenger is taking up too much physical or emotional space.

Did you ever feel pushed or bumped or ignored or trapped when you
were a kid? How did you handle it? Did you get angry? Did you lose
control?

These experiences can be unsettling. Emotions flood. You can’t sort
out your feelings. Before you know it, you’re behaving badly. You
usually see yourself as kind and considerate.  How can you be
behaving so outrageously now? How can this be happening?

The exchange of behavior between the passenger and the flight
attendant on this Jet Blue flight was reportedly laden with
reciprocal incivility and disrespect.

Is this ignoble behavior a reflection of the outrageous times in
which we live?

There is certainly a lot of rage and fear and anxiety out there
these days. Even the “usually nice” ones among us find ourselves
behaving badly some of the time.

Feeling Trapped
Let's look at the  'feeling trapped' metaphor. It's easy to feel
that way cooped up in a plane. There's another element here as
well:  Some of us grew up feeling trapped. Especially if we had to
deal with confusing messages in our family. And we couldn't
comment or leave the scene.

I describe this trapped feeling in 'Don't Take It Personally! The
Art of Dealing with Rejection:'

"Children feel especially helpless and confused if they grow up in
a double-bind family where there are two conflicting messages
given(often one is verbal and one is covert). They are expected to
obey both messages . . . . They have no way to comment on the
confusion or to leave the scene (except perhaps by spacing out). It
seems they have no options; they feel bound up, trapped. It’s a
no-win,damned-if-you-do-and-damned-if-you-don’t situation . . . .
Struggling to make choices in no-win situations in childhood can
lead to overwhelming anxiety that may resurface in adulthood."

I wonder how many flight attendants feel trapped - discouraged from
commenting and generally unable to 'leave the scene.' How many
fantasize about making A Great Escape? Perhaps a parachute? Or the
escape chute?

It surely was Steven Slater's fantasy. I watched him say, "For 20
years I thought about it!"

Complicated by Fear and Anxiety
And of course fear and anxiety complicate matters. For passengers
it may be the fear of flying, scary turbulence, stress, worrying
about a personal situation or about missing a connection. Fight
attendants have many of the same concerns and emotions.

Here's how fear and anxiety relate to disruptive behavior:
When we are anxious about something and unable to put words to it,
it can overflow into disruptive behavior. The anxiety has to go
somewhere. If we can't talk it out we often act it out.

And when Steven Slater took something personally and overreacted,
he chose an unusual way to act out his feelings and his fantasy.
Leaving the scene by sliding down an inflatable escape chute.  

Here are some tips for how not to take things personally:
•  Remind yourself: it’s more about the other person than it is
about you.

•  Don't presume – check things out.

•  Put yourself in the other person's shoes. How might they be
feeling?

•  Remember: you DO have choices.- even though in the heat of the
incident, it sometimes feels like you don’t.

•  Even though you find yourself walking down that old path of
overreacting, notice what's happening. Remind yourself you can
always back up to the fork in the road and walk down a different
path. I call this 'walking alongside yourself.'

•  If you are being raged at don’t bite the bait, don’t engage. A
confrontation is only going to be a lose-lose situation for you.
And you might get hurt.

•  Put the incident in perspective by remembering the metaphor
theory. Remind yourself that old feelings could be recreated in
this incident.

•  Take a breather. Ten slow breaths can work wonders to reduce
stress.

•  Most importantly, don’t take it personally! Chances are the
other persons inconsiderate behavior or careless mistakes are not
really directed at you.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professionalspeaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consullting services visit:

http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Traveling Back in Time - From Self-Rejection to Self-Acceptance

Elayne Savage, PhD

Sometimes we have the opportunity to revisit the
past, and look at ourselves through a new lens. If we're

lucky we can use the experience as a marker to appreciate

ourselves in a fresh way and see how far we've come.

In my case, I got to discard the old rejection filter.

Recently I  spoke at an event at the University of Alabama,
my undergraduate alma mater. This is only my second
trip back since graduation. My last visit was 20 years
ago.

This time I returned as a grownup.

It's not easy to go back to old venues. The insecurities of
the past come flooding back. All the self-doubts, the
fear of rejection, the negative self-talk . . . and the feelings
of vulnerability.

What a mess I was when I arrived as a Freshman on the
Bama campus. I was confused and dazed from recent
events in my life.

Just a few years earlier, my mother and grandmother had
died in a plane crash. Then my father remarried and we
moved from Omaha to Baltimore. What a culture shock
that was! And how resentful I was that I had to start over
in a new town my senior year of high school.

Not Fitting In
I felt 'different' from my peers. Like I didn't fit in. And truth be
told, I probably seemed a little odd. And what could I have
been thinking to attend a Southern school when feeling
'different' and left out was my big issue?

I didn't talk about my growing up experiences to anyone.

A few folks intuitively made attempts to bestow kindnesses.
However, I had trouble accepting their efforts and often
pushed away.

One of the bestowers was John L. Blackburn. He was the
Dean of Men when I was a co-ed. He was understanding,
caring and patient. I sure needed those kindnesses. In my
eventual role as a student leader and Business Manager
of the Mahout humor magazine, I got to know him. pretty
well over the years.

And he made an effort to know me. When I got into trouble or
needed a rule bent a bit, I'd be knocking on his office door.
John L. would run interference for me with the Dean of
Women's office. I guess you could say he was my 'go-to' guy.

Not without a price, however. John L. tried his best to keep me
out of trouble with quite a few stern but kindly talkings-to.

In those days, there were countless rules -  just waiting
to be broken:
- Alcoholic drinks  had to be in
  'unrevealing containers.' 
- Coeds were to wear  raincoats on
  campus to conceal jeans or shorts.
- Co-eds couldn't walk up the steep steps
  of the Student Union if wearing skirts.
- There was a 10 pm weekday curfew:

   "Sign out, Sign In, where you goin'?

   Where you been?"
 
After I graduated and moved to California, John L. would say to
me: "If you get back here, I'd like to have a little get-together for
you." So I'm thinking he meant a backyard barbecue in
Tuscaloosa.

That's not what he had in mind.

I did get back to Alabama in 1990. He hosted a banquet style
dinner at The Club in Birmingham. It  wasn't  a barbecue  at all.
It was more like a ROAST.They took turns telling stories on me.
It was an embarrassingly sweet and special evening.

John L. was my go-to guy several times over the years. He wrote
reference letters for my early job searches. He arranged to have
Forrest Gump (via Winston Groom) write a book jacket blurb for

my first book, 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with

Rejection.'

There was no doubt whatsoever that I would make this trip to the
University to speak at the celebration of John L's life after he died.

I felt so honored to be on the program. There were 250 people
in the audience paying tribute to his accomplishments: as the
person credited with making sure the 'school house door'
stayed open and welcoming in the summer of 1963, as Dean
of Men, and as Vice President for Educational Development.
His legacy lives on with the establishment of the Blackburn
Institute, a leadership development program on the Alabama
campus. Mostly, though he was remembered as  a person of
great kindness and compassion.

I only wish our contacts over the years hadn't been so infrequent.
 Sometimes way too many years went by.

Revisiting Old Haunts and Old Feelings
What an amazing experience to walk around campus,
remembering the bittersweetness of those days so many
years ago.

When I was a student, my sensitivity to 'being different' caused
me to feel left out and less-than. Too often this contributed to
overwhelming perceptions of rejection. Yep, my self-esteem
was pretty low.

What an emotionally corrective experience to return as a
professional grownup, making a valuable contribution to the
event.

How refreshing to return to the campus and be treated with
respect and acceptance. I had such gracious escorts during
my stay in Tuscaloosa and in Birmingham. It was especially

rewarding to reconnect with John L.'s  wife, Gloria Blackburn,

and be told I "held a special place in his heart."

And I was able to take it all in and accept it, instead of pushing
it away. I guess I was finally able to ditch that old rejection filter.

In the acknowledgments for 'Don't Take It Personally!' I thanked
John L. for his encouragement and for  "figuring sooner or later
I’d grow into my capabilities."
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

I hope John L. took that thank you in. I guess you can tell, he
holds a special place in my heart too.

Isn't it wonderful how some people touch our lives only briefly or
sporadically, yet they become part of our soul.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
 

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Thoughts on Spanking Children - It's Not Neat to Beat

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
September, 2009

 

Thoughts on Spanking Children - It's Not Neat to Beat

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Spankings hit the news again. Each time a news story appears, I seem to get more passionate about the subject - both professionally and personally. This recent research shows that spankings and other forms of corporal punishment can cause damage to intelligence.

In one study Dr. Murray Strauss of The University of Hampshire and Dr. Mallie J. Paschall of the Pacific Institute for Research and Evaluation conducted 4 year longitudinal studies on 1510 young children.

Dr. Strauss has studied the effects of corporal punishment for 50 years. By the way, his ideas were a major influence on my doctoral dissertation research twenty years ago on the rejection aspects of abuse.

Dr. Strauss talks about a common misconception: “We hear that it’s OK to hit younger children because they won’t remember it . . . This evidence says it’s worse for children between two to six, that the younger child is the most vulnerable.” And his studies on the IQ of abused children seems to bear this out.

A few years ago another research study hit the news. It was reported that ‘mild’ spanking was not especially dangerous to children. The researchers define it as "striking with an open hand on the buttocks, hands and legs without inflicting physical injury."

Many folks get confused by the difference between 'Discipline' and 'Punishment.' Disciplining doesn't have to mean physical punishment. When do 'spankings' become 'whippings' become 'beatings'? I question the conclusion of that study - that mild childhood spankings don't appear to create lasting harm into adolescence.

The Long-term effects

Consider looking at spanking as causing long term effects no matter how ‘mild’ it might be. And the effects are more far-reaching than lower IQ scores.

For many years I worked Child Protective Services and Long-term Placement in San Francisco. Sadly, many of the adolescents I supervised in placement were the very same kids I saw removed from their homes ten or fifteen years before. Often this was because spankings got so out of control that was no longer safe for them to remain in that environment. And the same look of apprehension, uneasiness, fear, and anxiety that I saw when they were little was still etched on their adolescent faces.

Physical abuse is defined as any act resulting in a non-accidental trauma or physical injury. But physical injuries don't have to be broken skin or broken bones. It doesn't take much to leave red marks, welts, or bruises on a small child.

Emotional Welts and Bruises

What about the emotional welts and bruises?

Physical bruises usually heal; emotional bruises frequently do not. It’s not the spanking alone that causes long-term damage. It's more complicated than that.

The accompanying emotional messages of rejection and betrayal travel with the child into adulthood. It affects their world view forever. These experiences determine how they view the safety of their world and the people in it.

All these years later adult clients I see in therapy recall feeling terrified at 'that look' in their parents' eyes. Intense anger or rage on the adult's face can be terrorizing for some children especially if there is an out-of-control quality to it. They live on the edge, waiting for the whipping to come again.

Fear and anxiety are their constant companions. It is not a matter of IF it would come, but WHEN it would come. They are always holding their breath, waiting for the next blow to fall, trying to protect themselves from physical or emotional pain.

When children live with this ever-present anxiety, it becomes a part of their identity. It follows them into adult relationships, affecting future dealings with coworkers, friends, and lovers.

About 20 years ago I served on a national Task Force on Psychological Maltreatment. We carved out definitions of psychological maltreatment and it's long-term effects.

Psychological maltreatment is embedded in all forms of child abuse. It conveys the message that the child is worthless, flawed, unloved, or endangered.

Children feel disregarded and unprotected. Can you see how rejection is the common thread that runs throughout these perceptions?
When children look to someone for love and protection and that person hurts and betrays them, how can there not be long-term emotional damage?

Trust is Fragile

Trust is so fragile, and some children are more sensitive to messages of rejection than others. When children feel disrespected by their parents in this way, how can they learn respect for others? They may ask themselves, "How can someone who is supposed to love me, hurt me like this?" What happens down the road when they're taught through example that it's okay to hit someone? Messages like this are so confusing. When they become adults some will gravitate toward abusive relationships. Some will shun closeness for fear of being hurt again. And others will become abusive themselves.

 A View from the Landing

As you may have guessed, spankings were a part of my childhood. My mom would warn, "Just wait until your father gets home." And my brother and I waited. Terrified of what would follow when we went with him down to the basement.

Often it started with an open hand, but if he thought my brother or I wasn't getting the "message" the next step was the telephone cord. He'd strip away the black sheathing, exposing the brightly colored individual wires. I remember some of them still had metal pieces attached to the ends.
But what really hurt the most, was that I sensed my mother standing on the basement landing, listening to our cries

A Scrapbook of Memories

Once a client brought in a 1950's wooden scrapbook her father had made to display her childhood poems. He painstakingly used a jigsaw, cutting her name into a piece of wood and gluing it onto the wooden cover. It was a loving gesture.

I found myself staring at the colorful lacing holding the two pieces of wood together, There was something eerily familiar about it. At first I couldn't place it. I was stunned when I recognized what it was. The brightly colored cord her dad used to fasten it together was telephone wire.

I couldn't stop my tears.

In Praise of Praise

Consider the idea of ‘praise not punishment.‘ We know from many studies over the last 30 or 40 years that the best way to encourage a desired  behavior is to offer praise or a reward when it occurs. The best way to extinguish an undesirable behavior is to ignore it.

Here are some tips on praising behavior from Alan Kazdin, director of the Yale Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic:

1. Superenthusiastic
2. Specific to the desired behavior
3. Reinforced with a smile or a touch
4. Frequent
5. And immediately following the desired behavior

http://health.usnews.com/blogs/on-parenting/2008/02/04/praise-a-child-right-and-youll-get-results.html

I’d love to hear your thoughts and stories about the long term effects of spankings for ideas about praise not punishment.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
 http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 
 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

All Frenzied Up - A Look at Mob Mentality

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
August, 2009

 

IN THIS ISSUE
1. All Frenzied Up - A Look at Mob Mentality 
2. So Exactly What is Mob Behavior?
3. Witnessing Mob Mentality First Hand
4.  F.E.A.R. = 'False Exaggerations Appearing Real'
5. The Mob Mentality Morass
6.  Contacting Elayne
7.  Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

All Frenzied Up - A Look at Mob Mentality
by Elayne Savage, PhD

I don't scare easily. But when fear is dished out daily, it's hard not to want to protect myself from the onslaught.

I feel ganged up on. Clobbered. Pummeled. So much information and misinformation is being hurled at me. If I believed everything I heard, I might be scared to death.

There are so many threats being thrown about: How the government is trying to "kill granny." (Hey, that's ME!) That Medicare could be taken away. That I'll have to go before a 'death panel' and be told I have to end my life because I’m not productive enough (or something.)

Truth be told, this last threat hits home. But how did they ever discover my secret fear? How could they know I've been concerned about my productivity of late?  Let's face it, some days I'm not writing as much as I'd like. And I get embarrassed every time someone asks, "Where IS that third book?? And I, too, wonder why I'm not working harder to secure more speaking engagements? 

How did they ever discover that I'm turning into such a slacker? Sheesh. If I'm not careful, I'll soon be taking their threats personally!

The outrageousness of these threats might even be seen as comical. But they are far too scary to be funny.  What frightens me most is the viciousness of the mob behavior at the Town Hall meetings. The outbursts verging on hysteria. The misplaced anger. The hyperbole. The spewing forth of toxic rhetoric.

It rattles me to the core.

So Exactly What is Mob Behavior?

Here are dictionary definitions for 'mob.'
- A disorderly or riotous crowd of people.
- A group of persons stimulating one another to excitement and losing ordinary rational control over their activity.

Social Psychologists define two basic types of mob behavior.
- Contagion theory holds that the energy exchange and anonymity of being in a crowd causes people to act in a certain way.
- Convergence theory holds that like-minded people (people who wish to act a certain way) converge to form crowds.

It just crossed my mind that definitions of 'terrorism' and 'terrorist' fit here as well:

Terrorism:
- The use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.
- The state of fear and submission produced by terrorism or terrorization.
- A terroristic method of governing or of resisting a government

Terrorist:
- A person, usually a member of a group, who uses or advocates terrorism.
- A person who terrorizes or frightens others.

Hmmmm. Writing this is bringing back some unpleasant memories . . .

Witnessing Mob Mentality First Hand
 

 

I witnessed mob mentality first hand many years ago when I was a Child Welfare worker for the City and County of San Francisco. We initiated a planned work stoppage to make a point that we deserved a raise. Or more benefits. Or something like that.

Feelings ran high. The flames of indignation were fanned. The workers got all frenzied up. Some behavior became aggressive and unruly.

I watched helplessly as normally responsible and reasonable social workers became disrespectful, disruptive and irrational. Jekyll and Hyde-like they turned on anyone who did not agree with their stance. Suddenly everything became 'us' vs. 'them,' 'good and bad,' 'right and wrong.' The polarization was intense. They threatened, they bullied, they intimidated.

I watched as social workers flung themselves in front of municipal buses to prevent them from rolling. There were ugly shouting matches when picket signs weren't honored. Fury and viciousness were unleashed. It was out of control and scary.

Although I didn't support the tactics, I did support the cause. I agreed to leaflet the commuter bus station. I naively walked up to a queued of passengers and handed out flyers. A few folks got upset. One man suggested, "Miss, you just  cannot push information at people. You should hold it out and let them take it."

In those days I took everything personally. As I listened to his words I felt chastised, dismissed and rejected. Later I understood what a valuable gift this was! Thanks, Mister, for taking the time to teach me such a valuable life lesson on honoring respect and personal boundaries of others.

F.E.A.R. = 'False Exaggerations Appearing Real'

These surely are scary times. Many of us are leery of all the unknowns. Change is a huge unknown. And this uneasiness breeds fear. For many of us, the idea of change rocks our comfort level.

In the e-letters of March and April of this year I wrote about Fear, Anger, Outrage and Change.  Little did I dream how relevant these musings would be today. Little did I imagine the Town Hall meetings would disintegrate into such chaos.  I had no clue how these uprisings could possibly instill so much fear. Or how the media would pounce and inflate.

Little did I dream how out of control and hysterical folks would become. The flames of fear were fanned and populist rage exploded.

This nation has become so fragmented and polarized. What has become of the idea of  "one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all?"

F.E.A.R. is often described as 'False Exaggerations Appearing Real.' In other words, all too often fear arises through the prism of our misperceptions.

In March 2009 I wrote about 'Fear, Anger and Outrage.'

http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2009/03/index.html

In April 2009 I wrote 'Don't Fear Change. Change Fear.'

http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2009/04/index.html

In these pieces I define rage as 'anger with a history.' "Rage is an emotion beyond anger. The way I see it, anger relates to something happening in the present and reflects “now” feelings. By contrast, rage arises from overwhelming, sometimes unbearable feelings from the past.

These strong feelings arise from perceived mistreatment at the hands of others. Perceived injustices. Betrayals. Disappointments and Loss."

"Most often when you scratch the surface of anger, you'll find fear . . . Fear and anger are connected emotions . . . When we are faced with a stressful situation, we respond in one of two ways. By fear or anger. We can see the connection between fear and anger in aggressive behaviors.

The bully is a good example. The bully puffs him or herself up because underneath that tough exterior lies fear and vulnerability."

I wrote how fear has been galloping through this country at breakneck speed. Following the horrific attacks of 9-11, The Politics of Fear erupted, playing to our fears and anxieties. Terrorism. Anthrax scares. Gay Marriage. Immigrants. Disease epidemics. The Economy. And now Health Care and a new president who happens to be Black.

A culture of fear has been permeating and fraying the fabric of our country. Fear is in the air and it's contagious. And we feel vulnerable. Helpless. A small voice asks, "What's going to happen to me?"

I wrote these two e-letters several months ago. I didn't dream how the recent frenzy of fear and rage would make them even more relevant now.

http://00queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/29/03/index.html
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2009/04/index.html

The Mob Mentality Morass

Let's talk more about Mob Mentality. Social Psychologists prefer to use the terms 'crowd hysteria' or 'herd behavior' (think 'stampede.') The definition of 'stampede is " a sudden frenzied rush of panic-stricken animals. "

When humans are caught up in similar panicky situations, we too can be swept along with the tide of mob hysteria. Even though it may be against their better judgment. All too often mob behavior develops a life of its own, spinning out of control.
Like my social worker colleagues, folks with normally decent values may become infected with mob hysteria.

At these times mob participants lose their sense of self.

They become submerged in the group. They lose their personal boundaries. With the loss of this sense of separateness and individuality, comes loss of principles, personal integrity, and sense of responsibility.

In other words, they lose their moral compass.

Many factors can contribute to mob behavior. Here are a few:

- When people feel invisible, dismissed, not listened to or heard, they may react by puffing themselves up bigger than life and participate in mob behavior. By raising their voices and shouting out their fears, they know they are heard.

- If they feel economic opportunities are passing them by, they may be inclined to band together with others who feel the same.

- Mobs tend to view the recipients of their rage as objects rather than real people.

- There's a certain sense of security in the anonymity of a large group. It gives permission to say and do things they would not ordinarily do.

You can probably tell I've been pretty disturbed by these recent out of control happenings. It has helped me a lot to pull together some ideas and thoughts, put them in order to make some sense of it all, and share them with you.

I'd love to hear YOUR thoughts on the subject  . . .

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

"Don't Fear Change. Change Fear"

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
April, 2009

IN THIS ISSUE
 1.  A Night of Calming the Columbine Fears
 2.  The Culture of Fear
 3.  Fear Is in the Air and It's Contagious.
 4. "What's going to happen to me?"
 5.  Reaching Out
 6.  Respecting Different Coping Styles
 7.  Tips for Coping with Fear
 8. Unblocking Your Energy and Moving It Around
 9.  "Don't Fear Change. Change Fear"
10. Contacting Elayne
11. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

"Don't Fear Change. Change Fear"
By Elayne Savage, PhD

This week marks the 10th anniversary of the killings at Columbine High School in Littleton, CO. Twelve students and a teacher were killed.

Students Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris did the killing. They felt taunted, teased and ostracized by peers for 'being different.'  They reportedly joked about seeking revenge for these injustices.

A friend says, "They were tired of those who were insulting them, harassing them. They weren’t going to take this anymore, and they wanted to stop it."

And so they did. On April 20, 1999, they armed themselves with shotguns, handguns and a semi-automatic. They tormented and killed twelve classmates and a teacher. Twenty-five more were wounded.

A Night of Calming the Columbine Fears

On that April day, long into the night and into the morning, I was on the air with the host of a Denver radio program. Together we tried to try to help residents make sense of the tragedy. To help them deal with the overwhelming anguish. To listen to their fears.

Callers jammed the phone lines, desperate to understand what happened in their community that morning. Why did it happen? How did it happen? And they wondered: "What will become of us?" 

Fear.

The radio host wanted me to stay on with him for another hour or two. I just couldn't. After almost five hours I was emotionally spent. Listening to the fear in everyone's voices hour after hour was too much for me. I was numb.

This experience shook me to my core. And ten years later, I'm still deeply affected.

The Culture of Fear

Since the time of that tragedy, fear has been galloping through this country at breakneck speed.

The horrific attacks of 9-11 occurred two years later, and The Politics of Fear erupted, playing to our fears and anxieties. Terrorism. Anthrax scares. Gay Marriage. Immigrants. Disease epidemics. And now, the Economy. A culture of fear has been permeating and fraying the fabric of our country. And we feel vulnerable. Helpless.

Fear is a hot item on the airwaves, bandwidth and print. With each tragedy, natural disaster, series of killings and acts of terror, the fear quotient gets ramped up.

The art of instilling fear is reaching new highs. Sometimes I imagine a scenario where media folk and politicians attend fear-mongering school to learn how to talk it up to its best advantage. The evening news provides us with a regular dose of catastrophe. If there is a crime or drug or disaster story, it leads the newscast. As the saying goes, "If it bleeds, it leads!"

Whether or not you agree with Michael Moore's motivation in 'Bowling for Columbine,' the 2002 film makes some important points about how fear dominates society in the US. He theorizes that fear leads to using guns to settle disputes in this country.

When this film was made there were 7 million guns to 10 million households in Canada yet there were 151 people shot and killed in Canada compared to 11,798 in the US. Rates for Japan, England, Australia and Switzerland were all under 100. Germany was 373.

Here is a section of film dialogue describing why many Canadians feel safe enough to leave their doors unlocked:

    When we lock the door, we're
    imprisoning ourselves inside . . .

    I have family that lives
    in the States.

    They used to live in Canada
             
    And it's so different.
    They get afraid more easily.

    Canada's more just, like,
    "Let's negotiate,
    let's work something out."

    Where the States is,
    "We'll kill you and that'll be the end of that."

Fear Is in the Air and It's Contagious

In the seven years since the release of 'Bowling for Columbine,' fear seems to be even more built into the culture. It used to be we would go from one traumatic event to another. In between our fears and anxieties would subside - until the next tragedy occurred.

It is different now. Fear is in the air and it's contagious. It's been a bumpy ride and most of us are scared. Dazed. Numbed. Stunned. Immobilized. We go to bed scared and we wake up scared. 

Apprehension touches people around us – family, friends and colleagues. One person catches it from another, like a bad cold or mean flu. The anxiety that results can lead to a kind of paralysis. It's hard to think or act.

There's something else in the air. Let's call it helplessness and uncertainty. When these fears are rooted in childhood experiences, a child-like fright takes over.

Childhood fear was usually connected to some kind of loss. Perhaps your childhood friend moved away. Or you transferred to another school across town or to another state. Or an older brother or sister went away to school, leaving a void in your heart.

Maybe it felt like you lost a parent for a while if there was a separation or divorce. Or if there was a serious illness in your family. Or if someone important to you died.

These cumulative experiences affect how you cope with present losses.

What's Going to Happen to Me?

A small voice asks, "What's going to happen to me?"

When we are all grown up, but again feeling scared and insecure, we may find ourselves asking the same question. And needing reassurance.

This point is worth remembering. As a child or young adults you may have experienced setbacks that seemed overwhelming at the time. You had not yet accumulated the life experience to know that it's not the end of the world. Things do get better. In the midst of present day misfortunes, it's worth reminding yourself that things will get better again.

As a workplace coach and psychotherapist I'm hearing lots of stories about the impact of the economy. Tensions are great. Stress is rampant. Relationships are suffering. And fear is dominating people's lives.

Loss is the theme in just about every conversation: Loss of jobs, Loss of income. Loss of homes. Loss of savings. Loss of routine. Loss of independence. Loss of security. And with all of this comes Loss of identity and well-being and self-esteem.

And again, the small voice asks, "What's going to happen to me?"

What a lonely feeling fear can be. Your tendency may be to retreat and suffer in silence. At times like these it can be difficult to make yourself
connect with others. It helps to reach out.

Reaching Out

Can you connect with others to talk about these losses and fears? A partner or friend is ideal. A counselor, coach or psychotherapist is another good option. Social networking and forums work, too.

Can you put words to your worries and fears? Then hear yourself say the words out loud. Even if you write in a journal, read your words out loud to yourself. Yes, out loud.  It makes all the difference.

When pressure is building it needs to go somewhere. If we don't talk out our feelings, we act them out.

Acting out is one way of releasing tension. It takes many forms. Some of us pick fights, antagonize, fly into rages, or slam doors. Or we might engage in excessive behaviors.

But acting out is not always active. It can be passive as well, such as foot-dragging, “yes, butting,” sulking, and giving someone the silent treatment.

All of these behaviors are ways we deal with the anxiety that builds when we’re not able to put words to our feelings, worries and fears.

Respecting Different Coping Styles

Talking to your partner or friend is a good idea, however sometimes it doesn't work too well. What if you don’t feel supported by the other person? What if you both have different ways of handling upsetting situations? What if you have different coping styles? What if you feel the other person doesn’t understand you?

We all have different ways of dealing with stress, anxiety, and fear. We learn our coping skills (or lack of them) from our family and cultural experiences.

- One person may withdraw, experiencing a kind of paralysis, while the other person mobilizes and becomes over-active.

- Another may cocoon, preferring alone time, while the other needs to increase their contact with others.

- Sometimes one is less inclined to talk about feelings and the other talks so much that it's hard to listen anymore.

If either of you feels discounted, you're most likely feeling rejected. Before you know it, someone is taking something personally. Feelings get hurt.

Unless both of you can respect each others individual styles, misunderstandings and hurt can lead to anger and resentment. Resentment takes up so much space in relationships that there's barely room for connection. And connection is what's so important now.

Tips for Coping with Fear

Truth be told, we often put much more energy into avoiding fear than we do in dealing with it. Would you like some practical ideas for managing fear?

- Give yourself permission to be afraid. Say out loud what your worst fear is. Put a name to it. Talk it out with someone if possible.

- 'Walk alongside yourself.' Gain some distance from the situation to see it more clearly. Try separating the “now” of the present moment from the “then” of unpleasant childhood experiences. This frees you up from becoming overwhelmed by your feelings.

 - This objectivity allows you to choose to make a different response.

- Make a plan. This provides structure and reassurance. And being pro-active helps balance the feeling of helplessness that can creep in.
-
 - Know that your partner, friends or colleagues may deal with fear differently than you. Don’t compare. Honor the differences rather than feel threatened by them.

And in case you missed it, the March 2009 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection' e-letter has more tips on dealing with fear (loss and anger, too.)
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2009/03/index.html

Unblocking Your Energy and Moving It Around

These ideas from my first book, 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' may be helpful:

Visualize a honeycomb. The energy takes the form of warm, thick, sweet, amber-colored liquid, constantly moving through the interconnected tunnels.  As the energy flows, a wondrous transformation takes place. Notice how the negative messages of childhood take on new qualities as they flow from space to space. 

As the energy changes from life-depleting to life-sustaining, it provides sustenance, allowing room for your needs and wants, and encouraging clear boundaries. Then the energy develops new vitality, permitting choices and enhancing good communication.  And it keeps on moving, flowing. Moving and flowing.

Do you find yourself feeling like a scared little child, sitting paralyzed on the sofa, for hours or days?  Maybe it seems like you've been living in a cartoon. Things don't seem real to you, you're not a part of time.  Sometimes I feel like that myself.

When you're feeling helpless, afraid, immobilized, dazed, numbed, or stunned. When it becomes hard to think or act. Try to move. 

Move your fingers or your toes, or your body. Try to get that energy flowing. Once you do even a small amount of movement you are no longer stuck. 

If you can remember to move your finger back and forth, then your arm, you have just made a choice to reconnect with your body. Self-soothing works here too. By gently stroking your hand or your arm or your shoulder, you activate energy.

Try pressing the thumb of one hand into the palm of the other. Apply enough pressure to bring yourself back to consciousness, and to your feelings. You have just brought time back into the picture.

Once you create options for yourself, you don't feel so paralyzed. Once you open up a little, and let the energy flow, you'll be tapping in to a sense of your power.

Watch the energy spread, growing into self-acceptance and creativity. Marvel at how it fills you with a new experience of yourself and new ways of relating to others.

"Don't Fear Change. Change Fear"

Morphizm.com reviews film, music and culture. It's a cool site that gets it right when it proclaims: "Don't Fear Change. Change Fear."

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs  

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

Fear, Anger and Outrage

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
March, 2009

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Fear, Anger and Outrage
2. Rage is 'Anger with a History'
3. Scratch the Surface of Anger and You'll Find Fear
4. Unrealistic Expectations are Setups for Disappointment
5. Loss of Trust
6. Loss Feels Like Rejection
7. Tips for Coping with Fear
8. Contacting Elayne
9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Fear, Anger and Outrage
By Elayne Savage, PhD

I was about to send out an e-letter on Fear and Disappointment. That was before the AIG bonus reaction headlines began screaming: "Outrage." "Outrage." "Outrage."

References to "Populist Rage" and "Bailout Rage" abound. Note how the word 'anger' is barely used. The operative word appears to be 'Rage.'

'Rage' is a powerful word describing a powerful emotion.

Let's look at 'rage' and how is it is different from 'anger.' We can then see if 'rage' is what we're really feeling. Or is it what the media says we should be feeling? Next we can look at the connection between rage, anger and fear.

First I want to give you my definition of rage based on over 25 years as a psychotherapist, communication coach and workplace trainer.

Rage is 'Anger with a History'
In my writing and speaking programs I define rage as 'anger with a history.' Rage is an emotion beyond anger. The way I see it, anger relates to something happening in the present and reflects “now” feelings. By contrast, rage arises from overwhelming, sometimes unbearable feelings from the past.

A distressing event in the present can become unbearable when it reminds you of past painful experiences. These negative events collect in your memory. Before you know it, you’re overreacting and feeling out-of-control.

Old injustices stockpile into a repository of rage, just waiting to be disgorged.
When a similar event happens in the present, the stockpile ignites and you are having an intense reaction against those past injustices.

These strong feelings arise from perceived mistreatment at the hands of others. Perceived injustices. Betrayals. Disappointments and Loss. Road rage is a good example of how easily folks can overreact.                 http://www.QueenofRejection.com/article_roadrage.htm

If you are aware when your anger moves into rage, you might be able to slow down the process. Ask yourself if you are reminded of an incident from your history. Does it conjure up images when a parent or teacher did not support or defend you? Or times when peers treated you unfairly. Or times somebody important disappointed you terribly.

Scratch the Surface of Anger and You'll Find Fear
Even though rage is 'anger with a history,' it is still anger. Most often when you scratch the surface of anger, you'll find fear.

When you find yourself angry ask yourself:
"What am I afraid of?"
"What might happen?"
Once you begin to get a handle on it, write it down. Then read it out loud to yourself:

"I’m afraid that _____________."

Hearing yourself say the words gives form, shape, color, and texture to the fear and makes it more manageable.

Fear and anger are connected emotions. The 'Flight or Fight' response to stress shows how this is so. When we are faced with a stressful situation, we respond in one of two ways. By fear or anger. We protect ourselves from harm by running and hiding (flight) or by becoming angry and aggressive (fight).

We can also see the connection between fear and anger in other aggressive behaviors. The bully is a good example. The bully puffs him or herself up because underneath that tough exterior lies fear and vulnerability.

Anger (within reason) can be a good balance to fear. Anger is energizing whereas fear is energy draining. Anger at the AIG bailout and bonuses may be serving a useful purpose. It may serve to energize folks when they are feeling depleted, depressed, helpless or immobilized by the economic situation.

The feeling of helplessness is the scariest of all for some of us.

So let's talk a little about fears in this shaky economy.

Apprehension seems to be touching just about everyone. It's contagious. One person catches it from another. How is it affecting you? As anxiety grows, a kind of paralysis sets in. You may feel helpless, afraid, immobilized, dazed, numbed, or stunned. It's sometimes hard to think or act.

Tensions are great. Stress is rampant. Relationships are suffering.

Loss permeates all of this. Loss of jobs is accompanied by loss of income and loss of identity. Loss of homes or savings is permeated with loss of security and loss of well being. And for some, there is a loss of hope.

Coming face to face with loss and the fear of loss is difficult. This becomes even more complicated if it reminds you of a painful loss from your early years.

Unrealistic Expectations are Setups for Disappointment
Unmet expectations are another form of loss. As a child did you feel disappointed in someone or something? Perhaps someone made a promise they didn't deliver on. Or you didn't feel supported or defended in the face of perceived danger. Or you found out you couldn't count on someone you thought you could trust. These experiences stockpile, just waiting for the next disappointment to occur.

Who among us hasn't believed exaggerated promises or engaged in some wishful thinking or put someone on a pedestal? And then we watch them tumble off. Splat. 

Thinking positively and having hope is constructive. We just have to keep our expectations realistic. When they are too big they come crashing down to reality.  Unrealistic expectations are setups for disappointment, disillusionment, and resentment. When we're too invested in a certain outcome, we tend to take disappointment personally.

Loss of Trust 
Another loss you may be struggling with is loss of trust. This includes the powerful feelings of disloyalty and betrayal. Can you see how losing your job might feel unfair? Or disloyal? If you trusted promises of security that don't materialize, it may feel like betrayal.

Loss Feels Like Rejection
There's another layer of complexity here. Each of these losses and disappointments can feel like rejection or self-rejection. Rejection is feeling "dissed" in some way: Disrespected for sure. Also dismissed, discarded, dispensable, discounted, or dishonored.

When you are wounded at such a deep place, it's hard not to take it personally.

You may perceive yourself to be a target. You tend to see someone's actions as a personal affront. You feel slighted, or wronged, or attacked. This is what taking it personally is all about.

And because taking things personally is related to feeling rejected in some way, you may find your fear of rejection intensifies as well.

When you feel an injustice has been done, you may fear getting hurt again. The hurt may become anger and resentment. When old feelings of injustices from the past bubble up as well, the anger can turn into rage.

Since fear is the underbelly of anger, finding ways to cope with your fear is a good beginning.

Tips for Coping with Fear
- Give yourself permission to be afraid. These are unsettling times. However try not to cross the line into biting the 'fear bait' that gets thrown out by the media and politicians.

- Put a name to your worst fear. Say it out loud.

- Talk it out with someone if possible. Hearing yourself say what you most fear works wonders.

-  Make a plan. It provides structure and reassurance.

- Try not to take disappointments personally. It takes so much energy. Remind yourself, "This is not about me."

Master Yoda says, "“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

More on our fears and their childhood roots next month. With more tips, too. (Unless something else in the news calls out for attention again.)

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

Whispers and Roars - The Voices of Ambivalence

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
December, 2006

Welcome to the second issue of 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection.'

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Whispers and Roars - The Voices of Ambivalence
2. A Few Words About Ambivalence and Gift-giving Dilemmas
3. Tools for Taming Ambivalence
4. Contacting Elayne
5. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Please forward this newsletter to your friends, family and
business associates who would benefit from these tips.

If you received this newsletter from someone else and would
like to receive your own complimentary subscription, you can
sign up at http://www.QueenofRejection.com

1. WHISPERS AND ROARS - THE VOICES OF AMBIVALENCE
 
    By Elayne Savage, PhD

I wrote about my Fears and my Ambivalence in my struggle to
produce my first e-letter last month.

I talked about how The Fear of Rejection was the leader of the
Fear Team: Fear of Visibility, The Fear of Failure, The Fear of
Success and The Fear of Disappointment. Fear of Judgment and
Criticism were on the sidelines as well.

I described the warring voices of my ambivalence: The
disconcerting "You can!," "You can't!" The clash between the 
voice of confidence and the voice of doubt.

When I finally finished writing it, I hit the 'send' button.

There's More to the Story

I was also struggling with another quandary: How was I going to
present myself in the e-letter?

I studied other e-newsletters. Oh my, they were so 
'professional,' 'businesslike' and 'practical.' That's
how I wanted mine to look.

In my first draft I found myself imitating them. In a 
'professional' and 'businesslike' way I presented an overview
of my struggles. Then in a 'practical' way, I jumped to a list
of 'how-to's for dealing with ambivalence.'

Something was Missing

Informative, sure, but something was missing.

A small voice was trying to get my attention. "Listen to me,"
it pleaded. I ignored it. I was determined to put out a
'professional' newsletter.

Then something allowed me to trust my intuition. I made a
decision to share that early draft with a consultation client
who was dealing with some of the same issues. Perhaps a word
or phrase would jump out at him. It did. He thanked me.

And then he asked, "Would you like some feedback?" Sure.
Why not. He knows my presenting style. He's heard me speak
professionally in various venues.

"This newsletter isn't you. It's too formal. Your strength
is in telling your story. When I hear you speak I find
myself being drawn in. But not this time. Something is
missing from your writing."

I listened. He was absolutely right.

Somehow I'd misplaced my essence.

What happened to my voice? Where were my feelings hiding? Under
a rock? In a closet? In the basement?

I found myself too concerned about what others might think. I
lost my voice. It was drowned out by my anxiety and tendency
to compare myself.

I was rejecting my Self.

The Tag-along Template

I got caught up in trying to make my e-letter fit every one
else's template. I let myself be influenced by those very
impressive professional e-zines.

I was trying to compete.

I lost ME.

I wanted to find myself again. To accept and respect myself.
To honor and enhance my strengths. I made a choice to tell
my story exactly as I was experiencing it.

As I looked at my fears and faced them, I began to move
through  them. The moment I hit the "send" button, I
realized something was  different about me. I had just
developed a new relationship - with my Self.

Many of you wrote to say how you recognized the fears I
described - Fear of Visibility was a popular one.

Some of you told me you are starting or finishing a
project that's been a gleam in your eye for a long time.

And you wrote that you are beginning to understand your
ambivalence a little better.

Those Whispers and Roars

For some folks the word 'ambivalence' means 'love and hate'
or 'good and bad.' But there are many kinds of ambivalent
feelings and thoughts.

Ambivalence is natural to all of us. It's the presence of
simultaneously conflicting feelings, ideas or wishes which
compete with each other. It can lead to an inability to make
a decision.

It's a tip off you're ambivalent when you experience
uncomfortable inner conflict and can’t make a decision.
You feel stuck, like you’re straddling a fence.

You may find yourself experiencing a wide-range of
ambivalent personal and professional situations:

—Having trouble deciding which mail (or papers or files or clothes)
to keep and which to toss out

—Wanting to spend time with someone, and at the same time
wanting time for yourself

—Wanting a romantic relationship, yet not being quite ready
to make a commitment

—Wanting connectedness but needing separateness

—Wanting a promotion, yet dreading the added work hours
it would require

—AND related to this Holiday Season: Having trouble making
up your mind about which gift or card to buy.

2. A FEW WORDS ABOUT AMBIVALENCE AND GIFT-GIVING DILEMMAS

It's amazing how much anxiety comes from trying to pick out a
gift or greeting card. Fear of Rejection, Judgment and
Criticism run rampant.

Have you ever had this experience of looking for a gift or card?
You see something in one shop but you're not quite sure it's the
right thing. So you go to the shop across the way. There you see
something else you like.

You get really confused. You may even go back and forth between
shops a few times. You still can't make up your mind.

You may become anxious and upset because you don't know what
to do. You might even leave without buying anything. (Tips on
handling gift-giving dilemmas and in a future issue.)

When two internal voices start skirmishing with one another,
this conflict leads to uncertainty and confusion.

The confusion creates anxiety. The anxiety causes us
to freeze up and become immobilized. This degree  of
ambivalence surely isn't productive.

It takes a lot of energy to deal with these conflicting voices.
Wouldn't you rather put your energy in some other activity?

By moving past the ambivalence, it's possible to leave space
formaking  choices. Here's how.

3. TOOLS FOR TAMING AMBIVALENCE

1- Give BOTH voices a chance to be heard. When you're only 
listening to one voice you are, in effect, rejecting the other.

You might even encourage the voices to talk to each other. Out loud.
Writing to each other works too.

In other words, you'll be giving voice to both sides of the
ambivalence. You'll be honoring both voices.

One way to do this is to make two lists: a 'What
I Have to Gain' list and a 'What I Have to Lose' list.

2- It's probably some type of Fear immobilizing you. You can
begin to move forward by naming it.Is it Fear of Rejection?
Of Failure? Of Success? Of being Visible? Of Disappointment?
Of Judgment?

Try naming the Fear to yourself. Next, write it down. Then say 
it out loud. Hearing yourself say it allows you to see it differently
and recognize possible options.

(By the way, these fears are not only attached to YOUR early
experiences but also to family messages which are passed down
from generation to generation.)

3- Next approach the Fear with some detachment. I call it
'walking alongside yourself.' This means stepping back enough
to recognize when you may be starting down that old path of
doubt and fear. It means taking enough distance from your emotional
tug-of-war to create choices.

4- Then, ask yourself, "Do I really want to continue down
this path? I could retrace my steps and make the choice to
take the other fork. I can go down a different road."

5- You can learn more about your own early messages by asking
yourself these questions:

If I put myself "out there" it would mean  ___________________.
If I fail, it would mean  _________________________________.
If I succeed, it would mean  _____________________________.
Might I feel disloyal to someone? _____________.
Who would that be?  __________________________________.
If I feel too visible what might happen? _____________________.

Talking Out Loud to Yourself

Hearing yourself think out loud allows the space you need to
recognize your options.

Sometimes it's helpful to have someone else to talk to — especially
someone who is professionally skilled in guiding you through this
process.

Putting your confusion into words gives it a container and
definition. This allows enough space for choices to emerge.

And it allows you the space to move forward.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Fear of Trying - The Newsletter That Almost Wasn't

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
November, 2006

Welcome to the first issue of 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection.'

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Fear of Trying - The Newsletter That Almost Wasn't
2. Contacting Elayne
3. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Please forward this newsletter to your friends and
colleagues who would benefit from these tips.

If you received this newsletter from someone else and would like
to receive your own complimentary subscription, you can sign up at:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com

1. FEAR OF TRYING - THE NEWSLETTER THAT ALMOST WASN'T

    By Elayne Savage, PhD

What a struggle it has been to write this e-letter! My dream turned out to be a surprisingly difficult challenge.

Tripping Over My Own Stumbling Blocks

I've wanted to produce this newsletter for such a long time. I've had this idea about offering useful tips for navigating frustrating personal and professional rejection encounters.

I've looked forward to sharing my observations on rejection, self-rejection and taking things personally.

But many months went by and I wasn't writing. Something was holding me back.

I was dragging my feet. I got sidetracked by every diversion that came along. I was even sorting through stacks of papers and cleaning out file cabinets.

I was tripping over my own stumbling blocks.

Why was this project becoming so difficult? I kept reminding myself, "Come on, Elayne, you've been speaking on rejection for all these years, you completed two books and lots of articles on the subject. You can do this."

But I wasn't doing it.

Something was interfering, displacing anticipation, eclipsing hope. Then I recognized the intruder. 

It was Fear.

The Fear Team Roars In

The Fear Team comes roaring onto the field led by The Fear of Rejection and its evil twin, the Fear of Failure. They're joined by the Fear of Success and the Fear of Being Visible.

Warming up on the sidelines is the Fear of Disappointment. Make no mistake about it, however. Fear of Rejection is the team leader, the foundation for all the other Fears. 

I hear voices in the background and stop to listen. The Fear Team brought along a rooting section. Well, that's OK. I have my own pep squad. 

Both sides try to out-shout each other: "You can't do it! You can't do it!" answered by "Yes, I can! Yes, I can!"

"I have lots to say on this subject!" "You have nothing to say!" "Lots!" "Nothing!" "Lots!" "Nothing!"

Opposing voices are swirling around in my head. Conflicting emotions are skirmishing with one another. This confusion makes me so anxious. I become immobilized.

The Queen Calls a Time Out

It's time to sort things out.  It's too hard to see options through this haze of confusion. When we're unable to make choices, we feel stuck. And when we're feeling so stuck, making choices becomes even more difficult.

Let's start with that exhausting tug-of-war between the voices. This ambivalence involves the presence of simultaneously conflicting thoughts, ideas or feelings.

Ambivalence is often influenced by the messages we hear in our early years. And I was running smack into a barrier of these childhood messages:

    "You're such a dreamer."
    "What makes you think you can do that?"
    "Who are you?"
    "Who are you?"
    "Who are you?"

You, too, may have memories of admonitions received from parents, teachers, or peers. In the last twenty-five years,I've heard hundreds of poignant stories from my counseling and consulting clients.

Warnings like these are rejecting messages. They DISCOUNT, DISMISS and DIMINISH. Over time we begin to interpret these warnings as "Be careful." Caution like this isn't conducive to exploring new directions or writing first issues of newsletters.

Trying to sort it all out, I ask myself an important question:

"What do I fear this time?” 

   -Could I be comparing my proposed project to other newsletters
out there?

   Sure.

  -Might this involve making the commitment necessary to produce something regularly?

   Of Course.

  -Is this about putting words down on paper?

   Absolutely.

Struggling to Put Words on Paper

Putting something in writing - committing words to paper or computer screen — has always been a struggle. Even writing thank-you notes or notes of appreciation is difficult and gets delayed far too long.

The moment you hit the "send" button, you can't take it back.

Recently I confided my difficulty in putting words to paper to a few people.  To my amazement there was immediate recognition. "Yes!" each affirmed, "This is a huge problem. Putting words down for others to see feels like I'm making a commitment." And, they added, "I thought I was the only one with this problem."

I thought this was MY fear, MY incapacity, MY paralysis. I guess I'm not alone. Putting words on paper brings up all kinds of fears. It may be Fear of Rejection or Failure or Success for some. It may be Fear of Visibility or Disappointment for others. It may be all of them.

And What About You?

You, too, have probably faced confusion or fear about taking on new challenges. I hope this story about my struggles benefits you. Just maybe a word or phrase helps you look differently at your situation.

When conflicting ideas led to uncertainty and confusion, calling a "time-out" with yourself let's you step away from the confusion and sort things out. As you understand your fear and ambivalence, you can see your options more clearly. Taking a step back can give you the space to move forward.   

The Voices Quiet Down

The voices of MY Fear Team are more subdued. They still try to taunt me, but I pay little attention:

    "You say you know just what to do. 
    We say you don't. So who are you?"

I'm discovering who I am as i go through the process of facing this challenge. I'm Elayne Savage. I finished writing the first issue of 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection.' And I just hit the "send" button!

To Be Continued

Next month: "Whispers and Roars-The Voices of Ambivalence" You'll learn Tips and tools for handling Ambivalence.

Upcoming issues will focus on such topics as Expectations and Disappointments, The Relationship between Rejection and Taking Things Personally, Difficult People, Messages Passed Down through the Generations, and Communication and Miscommunication.

Until next time,
Elayne

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.