Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

Valentine's Day - Love 'Em or Leave 'Em

By Elayne Savage, PhD

'Note: If you can use a relationship 'how-to' or a post-Valentines rehash, I'll be a guest on Scott "Q" Marcus' teleconference Friday, February 17,  10-11AM (Pacific) on his very successful "Getting Past What Holds You Back" series of inspirational conversations:

Enhance your Relationships
Dr. Elayne Savage will help us get past what holds us back from having more fulfilling relationships. Elayne is known as The Queen of Rejection.®  She is a skillful communication coach and internationally respected expert on: overcoming rejection, handling disappointment, not taking things so personally, improving communication skills, and dealing with difficult people.

ThisTimeIMeanIt.com holds regular inspirational open-to-the-public phone conversations to inspire, motivate, and help you overcome what holds you back.
The Teleconference is free. Just sign up in advance to get the call-in number:
http://thistimeimeanit.com/register/

Valentine's Day - Love 'Em or Leave 'Em

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Hmmmm. I can't be the only one with a history of relationship
breakups around Valentine's Day.

I've been through three . . . make that four . . . Valentine
relationship breakups - give or take.

But wait! It turns out lots of folks share my experience - at least
according to a recent Australian survey.

Galaxy Research survey, commissioned by the National Australia
Bank, quizzed Australian singles and couples from all cities on
their thoughts on the so-called "most romantic day of the year."

It found that almost a million people have taken the opportunity
to end a relationship around Valentine's Day. Seeing it as a time
to re-evaluate their relationships.

The survey found the most common reason for terminating a
relationship was the realization that they were not compatible (60
percent). Other relationships were ended because of the belief that
their partner had changed (43 percent) or the spark had gone (43
percent).

Love It and Hate It

I've vacillated over the years regarding my feelings about
Valentine's Day. Some years I love it in spite of the over the
top marketing hype and under par restaurant food and service.

Sometimes I dread it as well because I expect to expect
disappointment. At least breaking off a relationship before
Valentine's Day gives me one less thing to be stressed about!

I think I learned to expect these disappointments in grade school.
I remember how disappointed I was when no Valentine appeared on
my desk from that cute guy two rows over -- the one I used to
daydream about and then was embarrassed because I couldn't answer
the teacher's question.

I remember dreading Valentine's Day back then. I was relieved to
hear in more recent years public schools have stopped this
particular popularity contest.

Let Me Count the Ways . . .

Let's speculate on why there are so many breakups before or after
Valentine's Day.

A good guess would be the hype leading to the disappointments that
follow unrealistic expectations. All too often this is a day when
the value of the relationship is tied up in a gift. All too often
instead of being direct about what we want, we tend to drop hints.
These hints are tied to the belief, "If you love me you'll read my
mind" variety. 

Unstated wishes and unrealistic expectations are set-ups for
disappointment. All too often our feelings get hurt, we take it
personally and feel rejected.

This can't be good for relationships! Especially if resentment
begins to grow.

A few years ago I was interviewed for a New York Times piece on
Valentine's Day breakups. I put forth my theory that the breakup is
a kind of  'the last straw' in a long series of disappointments.

First there was Thanksgiving and all the unrealistic expectations
that come with that. Next, the December Holidays. Then comes New
Years Eve. And finally Valentine's Day. Each month can easily bring
on one disappointment after another.

What Are Your Ideas?

What are your ideas about reasons for these Valentine's Day
breakups? Do you have a story to share? I'd love to hear from you.

7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentine's Day

The key here is to keep our expectations reasonable and be clear
about what you need from the other person.

Here are a few tips for navigating Valentine's Day:

If you are part of a couple:

-1 Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetie will
read your mind. Be direct, communicating clearly about what
you yearn for.

-2 Keep your Valentine's expectations realistic and do-able.
Otherwise, it's a set-up for disappointment.

-3 Don't let the fear of choosing  the wrong card or gift ruin the
day.
All too often folks avoid celebrating Valentine's Day for
fear of making a wrong choice. So they get kind of paralyzed and
don't do anything.

-4 Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families
with different styles of gift giving AND receiving. Respect each
others
'ways.'

-5 Don't mistake "not thinking" for "not caring." Your partner's
way of approaching this day may be different from yours. Remind
your self not not  to feel slighted if it's "not the way you'd
do it." This goes for gift-giving as well.
 
-6 Don't try too hard to be "creative" in YOUR gift giving.
Just be you. On the other hand, Valentine's Day doesn't work
very well if it's an "afterthought."

-7 AND don't take it personally. Dwelling takes up way too
much energy and relationship space. Make room for connection
and intimacy.

If you are unattached:

-1 Spend the day loving yourself. You are worth it!

-2 Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to flowers you really
like.

-3 Treat yourself to that little gift you've been hankering
for.

-4 Take yourself to lunch or dinner.

-5 Be grateful for the people you are lucky enough to love
in your little corner of the world.

-6 Be grateful for the people who care about you.

-7 Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in
giving and receiving love, perhaps spreading your light in a
wider arc than your little corner of the world.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

   From My Heart to Yours . . .

          Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

 Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

Beating Holiday Stress: Avoiding Disappointments

By Elayne Savage, PhD

One of the biggest stressors during the holidays comes from giving and receiving gifts:

How stressful is it for you to shop for just the 'right' present?
How disappointed do you get if the gift someone someone picked out for you is below your expectations?

Whenever I present a speaking program on expectations and disappointments, the subject of gift-giving generates lots of animated discussion. Just about everyone has a story about feeling hurt, slighted or offended.

The rejection and self-rejection messages they tell themselves go like this:
"He doesn't care about me,"
"She just doesn't 'get' me,"
"He should have guessed what I really wanted."

It's so easy to take it personally if you don't get what you hoped for. And you try
to keep the disappointment from showing on your face.

And if you are the gift-giver, do you try to read someone's reaction through their expression and body language? Do you imagine you are seeing disappointment on the face of the person you are trying so hard to please?

Or do you shop for the perfect gift for someone, spending more time and money than you really wanted to, and you receive from them a sale item at the discount store?

What do you tell yourself?

Some of us have never forgotten our childhood disappointments. When any new disappointment comes our way, it often brings up the anxiety associated with those old childhood feelings.

Each Family Has Their 'Way'

It's not surprising there are so many hurt feelings and misunderstandings about gift-giving. After all, each of us grew up in different families with different ways of giving and receiving presents.

Some us grew up with checks or gift cards. Others feel slighted when we receive this kind of gift. In our mind, not shopping means not caring.

And then there's the issue of whether to exchange a gift or not. Some of us would never think of exchanging a gift, we think we have to keep it even if we'll never use it. Taking it back to the store feels disloyal or rude. Others wouldn't hesitate to exchange the gift for something they can really use.

Disappointments Feel Like Rejection

Here are some tips for avoiding disappointment and the feelings of rejection that go along with it.

- Know what YOU want.  If you don't know, how can you expect anyone else to try to figure it out.

- Don't 'hint around.' No one can read your mind. Be direct about what you want. Surprises are great as long as you can keep from getting disappointed.

- Why not offer two or three gift suggestions? OR even pick out two things you really love at your favorite store or online site. Then ask the person who will buying you a gift choose which one to
 buy for you. This way you can be sure it’s a gift you want.
It even has a bit of surprise element as well because you don’t know which gift they'll choose. It’s worth having a little less surprise in order to have lots less anxiety for both of you about the gift-giving.

They’ll love you for making it easy and you get something you really want.

The 911 Stress Less Holiday Teleseminar

Because I know how stressful the Holidays can be, I'd like to tell you about how to get lots of fabulous tips on avoiding stress during the Holidays, I want to invite you to the 911 Stress Less Holiday Teleseminar

I'll be joining my long-time colleague Ilene Dillon for two segments in her 911 Stress Less Holiday Workshop, the laser-fast workshop that will show you how to transform your holidays into a joy-filled and enjoyable experience again . . .

There are so many things that can happen during the Holidays that can easily and quickly mess up your experience. You can be criticized for your choices, intruded upon by questioning or scrutiny, manipulated (again!) into doing things you don’t really want to do, get stuck doing all the food preparation or cleanup, get caught between relatives who don’t like each other (but you love them both!), or have a friend or relative regale you (for hours!) with their depressing stories and problems.

There are things you can do to get through these differently this year. Not only that, but what you learn this year will strengthen you for next year! You can start yourself on the path to enjoyable Holidays for the rest of your life by participating in this 911 Stress Less Holiday Workshop now. It’s “911” for this year; and “stress less” for these Holidays and those to come.

Here are some of the things included in this Teleseminar:
    •    An easy thing you can do to make sure you have enough time for everything you choose to do
    •    How to make sure you are choosing your Holiday activities and experiences
    •    Three techniques for turning aside criticism you may encounter from others
    •    A simple method for bringing up or talking about things, including difficult topics
    •    The sure-fire way to allow your emotions to tell you if you’re being manipulated
    •    Two ways to stop others from manipulating you
    •    How to find, reveal (to yourself), heal and integrate old emotions that mess up your Holidays—and why you want to do this
    •    A simple change of perspective that can turn “problems” into “puzzles” that you can solve
    •    An easy technique you can do, quietly, to keep yourself separate from the problems of others you are with
    •    An incredibly simple formula for setting boundaries with people who want you to do things their way
    •    A “rule” to follow to make sure your decisions are the right ones for you
    •    A powerful, yet simple, exercise to close the door on your emotional reaction to others
    •    A deceptively simple thing to say if someone speaks and hurts your feelings
  
I know you'll be delighted with the skills and abilities you'll develop to help you sidestep Holiday Stress.

The teleseminar occurs in two, two-hour long, sessions, on December 12 and 14 (Monday and Wednesday). You’ll have a choice of two different times each day, too:  
2 p.m. ET (11 a.m. PT) or 8:30 p.m. ET (5:30 p.m. PT) for maximum match-up with your schedule.  

The information offered in this Teleseminar is simple, yet potent. The Teleseminar has been designed so you have two full days of “digestion time” before you are given a ‘second helping” of 911 Stress Less Holiday information.

In addition, Ilene has knocked $100 off the usual cost of this Teleseminar as her Holiday Gift to you.  Normally priced at $397, the 911 Stress Less Holiday Teleseminar is now only $297.  This is a real bargain for the tested information and techniques you’ll receive, right at the time you need it!  

Register Here:  http://stresslessholiday.viprespond.com/?ref=ElayneS

I've had lots of fun this season offering tips on how to beat Holiday stress. You'll also find my ideas featured in the December issue of Real Simple Magazine.

Happy Holidays and a very Happy New Year to you!

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

 Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

 

Conquering Ambivalence - Getting Out of That Stuck Place

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Whenever I present my 'What Holds You Back?' program, participants especially value my ideas on ambivalence. Sounds like a good topic for this month's e-letter/blog, so here goes . . .

Ambivalence - The Clash Between the Voice of Confidence and the Voice of Doubt

Ambivalence stops us in our tracks. It's a complex deterrent to personal and professional success. By understanding its subtle and not-so-subtle forms, you'll have a good start on conquering it's immobilizing effects.

Ambivalence is natural to all of us. It's the presence of simultaneous, conflicting, and/or competing thoughts, feelings or wishes. You know you’re ambivalent when you experience uncomfortable inner conflict. When uncertainty and doubt take over. When you feel stuck, like you’re straddling a fence.

You may feel paralyzed and unable to make a decision.

Ambivalence is usually influenced by messages we heard in our early years:

         "You're such a dreamer."
         "What makes you think you can do that?"
         “Who do you think you are?”
 
Many of us receive admonitions from parents, teachers, or peers. We hear these warnings as rejecting messages. They discount, dismiss and diminish. Over time we come to interpret these warnings as "Be careful. Be cautious."

Ambivalence resides in both personal and professional areas of our adult lives. Have you found yourself in any of these situations?

— Fantasizing about a promotion, yet dreading the added work hours it would require

— Wanting to market yourself in new, creative ways, but intimidated by putting yourself ‘out there”

— Hoping to expand your horizons, yet not wanting to commit to the additional  hours it would require to make this happen

— Wanting connection with other people, and needing solitude

— Desiring a romantic relationship, yet not quite ready to make a commitment

— Wanting to spend time with a child or partner, and at the same time wanting time for yourself

— Needing to sort through your 'piles' of stuff but not able to decide what to keep and what to toss

— Craving a loving, nurturing relationship but choosing someone who’s not able to provide what you need

— AND there is the dilemma that confounds so many of us: having trouble deciding which gift or card to buy for a special occasion

Gift-giving Dilemmas

Let's look at gift-giving and card buying. On a continuum of dilemmas this may seem minor, even insignificant to some of you. But for others of us, it's a huge problem. And it describes the process of ambivalence so well.

It's amazing how anxiety bubbles up when we attempt to pick out a gift or greeting card: Fear of Rejection, Fear of Judgment and Fear of Criticism run rampant.

How often do you find yourself unable to decide which card or gift
to buy? You see something in one shop but maybe it's not quite right. Do you visit the shop across the way in case you'll have more selection?

Do you become even more confused? You might even go back and forth between the shops a few times. And you still can't make up your mind.

You may become upset and anxious because you can't make a decision. You might leave without buying anything.

This is a good example of ambivalence: two internal voices skirmishing with one another and the emotional overload from the conflict leading to uncertainty and confusion. Under stress, it's hard to remember we have options and can make choices.

This conflict and confusion creates anxiety. Sometimes the anxiety causes us to freeze up and become immobilized. It feels yucky, something to be avoided.

Some folks can't bring themselves to attempt the purchase. They are afraid they'll make the wrong choice. They want to avoid the possible rejection of judgment and criticism, so they don't take any action. Surely a set-up for  hurt feelings and misunderstandings - especially on birthdays or Valentine's Day!

It takes a great deal of energy to deal with ambivalence and to try to avoid anxiety. And it's stressful.

Going to Great Lengths to Avoid Anxiety

Most of us will go to great lengths to avoid anxiety! There are many ways we attempt to stay clear of these uncomfortable feelings:

• Avoidance – We’ll do just about anything to avoid the pain of another rejection
• Self-Sabotage – How might you sabotage yourself?
• Procrastination – A great example of how fear of rejection leads to self-rejection
• Perfectionism – If we do it ‘perfectly” no one can find fault.
• Excuses –‘Outside’ vs. ‘Inside’ reasons

If you would like me to address any of these ideas in an upcoming e-letter/blog, just let me know. 

Tools for Taming Ambivalence - Talking Out Loud to Yourself

Hearing yourself think out loud allows the space to see choices. Knowing that you have options allows flexibility to change the way you think about a situation.

Since overwhelm tends to be amorphous, putting your concerns into words gives definitions and allows choices to emerge.

Here are some tools my coaching clients find especially particularly helpful . . .

1- Give BOTH voices a chance to be heard. When you're only
listening to one voice you are, in effect, rejecting the other.

You might even encourage the voices to talk to each other. Out loud.
Having the voices write to each other works too.

In other words, you'll be giving voice to both sides of the
ambivalence. You'll be honoring both voices.

One way to do this is to make two lists: a 'What I Have to Gain' list and a 'What I Have to Lose' list.

2- It's probably some type of Fear immobilizing you. You can begin to move forward by naming it. Is it Fear of Rejection? Of Failure? Of Success? Of being Visible? Of Disappointment? Of Judgment?

Try naming the Fear to yourself. Next, write it down. Or make an audio tape. The point is to hear yourself say the words out loud. Hearing yourself say it allows you to see it differently and recognize possible options.

(By the way, these fears are not only attached to YOUR early experiences but also to family messages which are passed down from generation to generation. Maybe you can be the first one to break free of these old messages.)

3- Next approach the Fear with some detachment. I call it 'walking alongside yourself.' This means stepping back enoughto recognize when you may be starting down that old path of doubt and fear. It means taking enough distance from your emotional
tug-of-war to create choices.

4- Then, ask yourself, "Do I really want to continue down this path? I could retrace my steps and make the choice to take the other fork. I can go down a different road."

5- You can learn more about your own early messages by asking yourself these questions:

If I put myself "out there" it would mean____________________.
If I fail, it would mean__________________________________.
If I succeed, it would mean______________________________.
Might I feel disloyal to someone?_________________________.
Who would that be?___________________________________.
If I feel too visible what might happen_____________________.

When conflicting ideas lead to uncertainty and confusion, call a "time-out" with yourself. Step away from the confusion and sort things out. Putting your confusion into words gives it a container and definition. This allows enough room for choices to emerge.

By understanding how ambivalence is connected to your barriers and fears, you'll be able to see your options more clearly. You'll be able to use your energy in more productive ways.

This allows you the space to move forward  - by enhancing your creativity and toward achieving your personal and professional goals.

© Dr. Elayne Savage

How Can I Help?

Sometimes it's helpful to have someone else to talk to  – especially a coach who is professionally skilled in guiding you through this process.

If I can assist in this process via phone call or Skype, let's discuss how I can be most helpful to you.

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Happy Valentine's Day - From My Heart to Yours

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Perhaps I'm just a Hopeless Romantic, but Valentine's Day holds a special place in my heart.

Truth be told, what a different story it was in grade school and junior high. I dreaded February 14. I totally felt left out of the Valentine's Day 'scene.'

I'd get a few valentines but not from anyone I really hoped would notice me. I'd be yearning for a card from that really cute somebody sitting a couple rows away. But I was so invisible none of those guys knew I existed.

And I just hated it when the popular girls pranced around asking, "How many Valentines did YOU get?"

A funny thing happened on the way to growing up. I realized things aren't exactly the way they seem.

Over the years I've reconnected with past classmates from grade  school through college. What a shock to learn a few of those guys  had secret crushes on me back then! They were way too shy to let me  know. And I was way too much of a space cadet to have a clue.

How sad to think about how much caring and support we missed out on during those years. So, how amazing and joyous it is to be able to talk about our feelings for each other from so many years ago.

In spite of those frustrating early experiences, I've been able to embrace Valentine's Day and let it become special to me. Staying positive is not always easy because those early letdowns sometimes program an expectation of more disappointment.

Because disappointment can so easily feel like rejection, it's  easy to take it personally and feel yucky. Most especially when so much hype surrounds the event. Does this happen for you, too?

How We Set Ourselves Up for Disappointment

Let's look at a few ways we might repeatedly set ourselves up for disappointment:

 - Crossing your fingers and hoping someone will read your mind
 - Letting the value of your relationship be tied up in a gift
 - Making 'guessing correctly' a test of caring. Trouble is, it's a set up for flunking   because you are probably not letting the other person in on the rules
 - Dropping hints like crazy about that special gift, reservations at that new restaurant, a card that says everything you dream it will say

I've been thinking a bunch lately about how I've depended others to make my Valentine's Day 'perfect."

These days my motto has become carpe diem. I figure this is the year to take charge of whatever is important to me and really make it work.                                                 

Mostly I'm doing this by taking full responsibility for the effect I want to create.

Not easy sometimes, though. This Valentine's Day has been an unusual challenge. I'm working overtime to balance reasonable expectations with reality.                                        
      
I just dropped a card in the mail to myself. I had a great time picking it out. And It says exactly what I want to hear this Valentine's Day. A sure-fire way to not be disappointed!

I've been shopping for just the right gift, too. And decided on a new iPhone.

Let's look at a few tips for desiging and navigating your Valentine's Day . . .

7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentines Day

If you are part of a couple:

1. Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetheart will read
your mind. Be direct, communicating clearly what you yearn for.

2. Keep your Valentines expectations realistic and do-able.
Otherwise, you are  just setting yourself up for disappointment.

3. Don't let the fear of buying the wrong gift ruin the occasion.
Some folks even avoid celebrating Valentine's Day for fear of
buying the wrong card or present.

4. Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families with
different styles of gift giving. Can you respect your partner's
'ways?'

5. Don't try too hard to be 'creative' in YOUR gift giving. Just be
you expressing your appreciation of your partner. On the other
hand, a little planning is a great idea. Then Valentine's Day won't
seem like an 'afterthought.'

6. Don't mistake 'not thinking' for 'not caring.' Your partner's
way of approaching this day may be different from yours. Try not to
feel slighted if it's 'not the way you'd do it.'

7. It pretty much boils down to staying realistic and if
disappointments should happen, try not to take them so personally.
Dwelling on it takes up way too much energy and relationship space.
Make room instead for some delicious connection.

If you are unattached:

1. Spend the day loving yourself. You are SO worth it!

2. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to your favorite plant or flowers.

3. Consider buying that little gift you've been hankering for.

4. Take yourself to brunch, lunch or dinner.

5. Be grateful for the people in your world who you are lucky enough to love.

6. Appreciate the people who love and care about you.

7. Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in giving and receiving love,   perhaps spreading your light in a wider arc than just your little corner of the world.

And remember:
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have . . .

I really like the way my early mentor, author Susan Jeffers, signs her notes "From My Heart to Yours."  So I'm borrowing her phrase just long enough to say to you --

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY - FROM MY HEART TO YOURS . . .

Until next time,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs  

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultationservices visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentine's Day

By Elayne  Savage, PhD

On Valentine’s Day is the value of your relationship tied up in a gift?
Are you dropping lots of hints about what you yearn for?
Are you crossing your fingers and  hoping your sweetie will read your mind?

"If You Love Me, You'll Read My Mind . . ."

Especially on Valentine's Day, unstated wishes and unrealistic
expectations are set-ups for disappointment. And we know all
too well how disappointments and misunderstandings can lead to
hurt feelings, misunderstandings, disappointment, anger and resentment.

And resentment takes up so much relationship space, there's barely
room for connection and intimacy.

By keeping your expectations realistic, you'll reduce your chances of
disappointment. And because disappointment feels a lot like rejection,

it's all too easy to take it personally.

7 Tips: If You Are Part of a Couple

-1  Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetie will
read your mind. Be direct, and communicate clearly what
you yearn for. And make sure your partner  hears and understands
you.

-2  Keep your Valentine’s expectations realistic and do-able.
Otherwise, it’s a set-up for disappointment.

-3  Don't let the fear of buying the wrong gift or card  ruin the day.
All too often folks avoid celebrating Valentine's Day for
fear of buying the wrong thing.

-4  Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families
with different styles of gift giving AND receiving. Can you respect
each others 'ways' and not feel threatened by them?

–5  Don’t mistake "not thinking" for "not caring." Your partner’s
way of approaching Valentine's  Day may be different from yours.
Try not to feel slighted if it’s “not the way you’d
do it.” This goes for gift-giving as well.
 
–6  Don’t try too hard to be “creative” in YOUR gift giving.
Just be you, expressing your appreciation of your partner.
On the other hand, a little planning is a great idea so Valentines
Day doesn't seem like an 'afterthought.'

–7  AND if things don't go the way you had hoped, don’t take it personally.

Dwelling takes up way too much energy and relationship space. Make
room instead for connection and intimacy.

More Tips: If You Are Unattached

-1  Spend the day loving yourself. You are worth it!

-2  Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to YOUR favorite
flowers.

-3  Treat yourself to that little gift you've been hankering for.

-4  Take yourself to brunch, lunch or dinner.

-5  Be grateful for the people you are lucky enough to love
in your little
corner of the world.

-6  Be grateful for the people who care about you.

-7 Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in
giving and receiving love, perhaps spreading your light in a
wider arc than your little corner of the world.

Away From the Hype and More Toward the Heart

You can spread lots of light by embracing kindnesses and giving and mindfulness, and graciousness and compassion and gratitude and love.Not just toward others but for yourself as well. I'll bet it looks good on you.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, EVERYONE!

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consulting services visit:

http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Reinventing Thanksgiving - New Perspectives on Appreciation and Gratitude

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
November, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
 1. Reinventing Thanksgiving - New Perspectives Appreciation and     Gratitude
 2. A Generous Helping of Gratitude
 3. Ample Appreciation
 4. Smoothing Out the Ripples
 5. Appreciate That You Can Take Good Care of Yourself
 6. And On A Personal Note
 7. Contacting Elayne
 8. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Reinventing Thanksgiving - New Perspectives on Appreciation
and Gratitude
By Elayne Savage, PhD

Thanksgiving this year takes on a whole new meaning. Gloom and
doom permeates the economic landscape.  it becomes more difficult
to feel grateful. 

And yet, isn't that Thanksgiving is all about? Giving thanks? Many
families even have a Thanksgiving tradition where each person
at the table gives thanks for what they are grateful for.

Why not use this time to reconsider and perhaps change our perspective
a bit?

A GENEROUS HELPING OF GRATITUDE

My friend, Mike Robbins,  in his book 'Focus on the Good Stuff'' (John
Wiley & Sons) has a lot to say about gratitude: "When we focus on
what we are grateful for, we alter not only our perspective, but also our
state of being. In fact, feeling and being grateful is a great way to
transform our negativity: it can help snap us out of a bad mood, get us
back on track, and keep us moving forward in a positive direction."

Mike suggests  how  you can create more gratitude in your life:
"Keep a Gratitude Journal
Share your Gratitude with others.
Create a morning or evening Gratitude ritual.
Ask people what they are grateful for."
http://www.Mike-Robbins.com

AMPLE APPRECIATION

Another friend, Sally Strackbein, offers these encouraging ideas about
appreciation: 

"It took some practice for me to shift from noticing what's wrong to
noticing what's right.

Some people will tell you to start a gratitude journal. It doesn't have to be
about gratitude. It's about point of view. You don't need to be grateful
when you see a happy child. Just let the joy waft over to you.

You could be grateful when you hear beautiful music, but that would
change your perspective from noticing the music to noticing your hearing.
It's easier to just pay attention. Just notice the nice then, little by little, you
will find your mood getting more and more positive.

And yet, the our losses from the economic downturn experiencing, we
can find ways to open our eyes and appreciate in a different way.
Here's how you can protect yourself from the negativity trap and
shift to the bright side.

As you go about your day, ask yourself, "What do I see, hear, smell, taste,
or touch that I like?"
Take a moment right now and notice your surroundings. What
 do you notice
that you like?  Start with small, inconsequential things.
What else? See how easy that was? Make a note in your calendar to
look for the good stuff. When you are positive, you attract positive into
your life. Isn't that what you want?" 
http://www.DefiningStory.com

I, too, have a favorite way of opening up to the world around me: When
I take a walk, even around the block, I remind myself to breathe in the
colors around me - houses, plants, flowers, sky.This simple act has a
powerful effect on my senses.

Wouldn't it be great if the daily onslaught of bad news opens our eyes
to enhanced appreciation and gratitude?

SMOOTHING OUT THE RIPPLES

In the meantime, Thanksgiving is approaching. Here are some tips for
helping those sometimes rocky family gatherings go as smoothly as
possible. Sometimes the cast of characters that shows up is like watching
Theatre of the Absurd.

These tips, just in case you can use them, will help you get through the
Holidays:

- Uncle Walter is baiting you again with his political rants. DON'T BITE.
Avoid doing the fish and the fisherman routine. Be direct and tell him you
don't want to discuss that subject.

- Oh, no, Aunt Helen showed up. Her unrelenting teasing makes you feel so self-conscious. She's embarrassed you ever since you can remember. She
sees your discomfort and goes full steam ahead. "You always were too
sensitive," she bellows. You want to crawl under the table and disappear.

- This is a good time for a deep breath. Maybe several. Breathing
slowly ten times will usually help to take the charge off of the
situation.

By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.

- Dad is drinking too much again. He’s making comments about your weight
and broadcasting, "You really don't need that second slice of pie." You feel
rejected and humiliated. What do you do?

Remember you have CHOICES now. When he teased you when you were
small, you didn't know how to consider choices. Now you can remind yourself
you don’t have to stay there. You can leave the room gracefully to regain your composure.

APPRECIATE THAT YOU CAN TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF

Here are some great tips for taking care of yourself:

- Excuse yourself in the living room: Before dinner, if someone
acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen
to get a drink of water or replenish the appetizer tray.

-  Excuse yourself in the dinner table, you can always say a
simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close
the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: "OK, how do I
want to handle this? What is my plan of action here?"

These are examples of taking TIME-OUTS. Excusing yourself, breathing,
counting to ten all work wonders to regain your composure.

- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can LIKE
OR APPRECIATE about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of
shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate
that feature. When a person sees RESPECT in your eyes, he or she
is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.

The bottom line is: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! Remember actions
that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not about you.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

AND ON A PERSONAL NOTE
As this Thanksgiving approaches, I feel even more appreciative and grateful
for the love and support of my family and friends. I'm especially grateful for being
able to enjoy my 14 month-old grandbaby, Cora.

And even though Burt and I are no longer together, I'm grateful for the five
wonderful years of memories and adventures we made. He is an amazing
man and he will continue to have an effect on my life.

And I'm appreciative of the notes and suggestions from all of you over the
last two years.  This issue of  'Tips from the Queen of Rejection' begins our
third year.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Elayne

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions
for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential. I
will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Elayne Savage

On Valentines Day - Away from the Hype and More Toward the Heart

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
February, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1. On Valentines Day - Away from the Hype and More Toward the Heart
2. 'Wishing and hoping . . . and planning and dreaming'
3. Programmed to Expect Disappointment
4. Disappointment Feels a Lot Like Rejection
5. 7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentines Day
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. ON VALENTINES DAY - AWAY FROM THE HYPE AND
    MORE TOWARD THE HEART

Here comes Cupid. What are his arrows coated with this year?
Love and Feelings of Gratitude?  Or yet another Valentine's Day
Disappointment?

The push toward spending and buying doesn't help, either.
I know I think this every year, however I'm positive that this 
year candy and hearts were on display a month earlier than usual.
I think maybe 5 days after Christmas.

I decided to take fabulous care of myself this Valentines  Day.
I bought myself a wonderful card.  A nice mix of charming, funny
and sentimental. I actually put a postage stamp on it and mailed it
to myself.

I'm also shopping for just the right gift, too.

I want to start a new Valentines Day movement - away from the hype
and more toward the heart.

2. ''WISHING AND HOPING . . . AND PLANNING AND DREAMING'

I wish I'd known how to take better care of myself in grade school
on Valentines Day. Instead, I spent way too much time wishing and
hoping to receive valentines. Like the popular kids did.

I do think the agony of those early years left a residue of yuck
about Valentines Day for me.  Probably forever.

I still remember those miserable years when I felt so left out of
the Valentines Day 'scene'. I used to fantasize about being one of
ones who got the most valentines. Truth be told, I hardly got any.

I just hated it when the most popular girls would go around asking
everyone, "How many did YOU get?" And proceed to brag about their
abundance of love notes.

Did I feel rejected?  I sure did. 

Then of course, the critical self-rejecting messages took over.
Who was I to even think that cutie one row over and two rows back
would be EVER be interested in me. What a disappointment.

3. PROGRAMMED TO EXPECT DISAPPOINTMENT

I guess there are lots of folks out there with some of the same
miserable childhood Valentines Day experiences.  I hear similar
stories all the time from friends, colleagues and clients. About
how they seem to be programmed to EXPECT disappointment.
Especially on Valentines Day.

And we often set ourselves up for disappointment:

By telling yourself 'if you really love me, you'll read your mind.'
Does your sweetie fail the test - unable to guess what you're
longing for?

By dropping hints like crazy. Crossing your fingers and hoping your
sweetie will read your mind.

By craving your honey will surprise you with reservations for that
new trendy restaurant that you've been dying to go to.  Not a word.

By having your heart set on a special Valentine gift. That new
book you've been wanting or something from your favorite shop. 
Nope. Doesn't happen.

By expecting a special card with tender sentiment. And it says
only: 'Happy Valentines Day.'  Does your face fall?

Oh, and there's that Valentines Day frenzy at work. All day you
watch co-workers receive gorgeous flowers or those too-cute teddy
bears. You just know you'll be the next recipient. But there's no
delivery for you. How embarrassing. And you really had your hopes
up. Another disillusionment.

4. DISAPPOINTMENT FEELS A LOT LIKE REJECTION

Are you disappointed yet again? Are you feeling hurt and rejected?
Do you take it personally? Yep.

So what to do about it? Clearly subtle hints are not working.
Obvious hints are not working so well either.

Saying clearly what you yearn for will get results. Most folks
appreciate being educated to what their partner wants. Then they
don't have to guess.

Try out something like this: 'Here's what I'd like most on
Valentines Day. I'd like a card, some flowers and going out to
dinner with you at our special restaurant.'

You CAN make this Valentines Day a success by avoiding
disappointments and hurt feelings.

Here are my classic getting-through-Valentines-Day success tips:

5. 7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentines Day

If you are part of a couple:

1. Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetheart will
readyour mind. Be direct, communicating clearly what you yearn for.

2. Keep your Valentines expectations realistic and do-able.
Otherwise, it's a set-up for disappointment.

3. Don't let the fear of buying the wrong present ruin the
occasion. Some folks even avoid celebrating Valentines Day for
fear of buying the wrong card or gift.

4. Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families
with different styles of gift giving. Can you respect your
partner's 'ways?'

5. Don't mistake 'not thinking' for 'not caring.' Your partner's
way of approaching this day may be different from yours. Try not
to feel slighted if it's 'not the way you'd do it.' This goes for
gift-giving as well.

6. Don't try too hard to be 'creative' in YOUR gift giving. Just
be you expressing your appreciation of your partner. On the other
hand, a little planning is a great idea so Valentines Day doesn't
seem like an 'afterthought.'

7. AND don't take it personally. Dwelling on it takes up way too
much energy and relationship space. Make room instead for
connection and intimacy.

If you are unattached:

1. Spend the day loving YOU. You are worth it!

2. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to YOUR favorite
flowers.

3. Treat yourself to that little gift you've been hankering for.

4. Take yourself to lunch or dinner.

5. Allow appreciation for the people you are lucky enough to love
in your little corner of the world.

6. Allow gratitude for the people who care about you.

7. Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in
giving and receiving love, perhaps spreading your light in a
wider arc than just your little corner of the world.

This year I followed some of my own advice from this list. I took
really good care of myself.
And it felt great!

. . . . And on a personal note:

I'm grateful for Burt being in my life the last 4 years and 4
months. (He could tell you exactly how many days, but I've never
been very good at math.) Burt has taught me to expect to be loved.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

Until next time,
Elayne

© 2008  Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Holiday Gift-Giving - Avoiding Disappointments And Hurt Feelings

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
December, 2007

Welcome to the 13th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM)

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Holiday Gift-Giving - Avoiding Disappointments And Hurt Feelings
2. Each Family Has 'Their Way'
3. About Hurt Feelings – A Cautionary Tale
4. Avoiding Misunderstandings
5. Caring Is Not Symmetrical
6. Disappointments Feel Like Rejection
7. Gift-Giving Tips
8. Contacting Elayne
9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. HOLIDAY GIFT-GIVING - AVOIDING DISAPPOINTMENTS AND HURT FEELINGS
    By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Giving and receiving gifts can surely make the Holidays stressful. Who
hasn't felt some anxiety about shopping for just the 'right'
present.

And truth be told, most of us have felt some disappointment on the
receiving end. Especially when you feel the giver of the gift just
doesn't 'get' you at all because they are so off base.

You  might tell yourself it really doesn't matter. And maybe
sometimes it doesn't.  But what when it DOES matter to you? What
about the times your feelings get hurt. Or the times you feel
slighted or offended.

Whenever I present a program on expectations and disappointments,
the subject of gift-giving generates so much discussion, it could
easily be an entire presentation. There is really a charge to the
subject of gift-giving.

The Holidays are prime times for gift-giving dilemmas. All too
often someone gets their feelings hurt ands takes something
personally.

Are they able to talk about their differences and work it out? Or
do all the hurts and resentments from the past year erupt? Do they
carry sit around for months or even years?

2. EACH FAMILY HAS 'THEIR WAY'

It's not surprising there are so many hurt feelings and
misunderstandings about gift-giving. After all, each of us grew up
in different families with different ways of giving and receiving
presents.

Gift-giving has different protocol from family to family. For
example, in some families it may perfectly OK to give checks or
gift cards (Oh wow, I get to buy what I want!) In other families
this seems like a slight (Didn't she care enough to go shopping for
me?)

Some families feel fine about exchanging a gift that's not quite
right. But in others, people wouldn't think of returning a gift —
they keep it even if they'll never use it, because taking it back
to the store feels disloyal or rude.

3. ABOUT HURT FEELINGS – A CAUTIONARY TALE

I write about how easy it is to get offended during the Holidays in
DON’T’ TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION.

In this situation, Elizabeth the mother, nursed hurt feelings for
six months after the exchange of Kwanzaa gifts before she talked to
her adult daughter about how hurt she was.

“I was surprised and felt misunderstood by my daughter's gifts to
me,” Elizabeth said. “Tracy has a good job now and when she kept
asking what I wanted, I told her to pick out something that she
thought I'd like. I was hoping she'd choose something that
represented my tastes, something that was me.

"My son guessed exactly what I'd like and bought me a satin robe. {!firstname_fix}I
guess I expected something like that from my daughter as well.

"She gave me three separate presents, and not one of them reflected
who I am. Her gifts seemed so impersonal; it felt like she didn't
understand me at all. Personalized gifts are so important to me
that I get disappointed if a good friend gives me a book without
inscribing it."

What were the gifts? Two wine glasses, a video by one of my
favorite entertainers, and a pair of knitting needles. It was the
needles that confused me the most. Why would she give me knitting
needles, when I haven't knitted in over twenty years?

"I was hurt because I thought she was hinting she wanted me to be
more motherly or matronly or something when she said, 'Maybe you'll
take up knitting again.' Tracy can't possibly remember back to when
I used to knit sweaters for her. She was only four years old. I
didn't know what to do with the needles so I tucked them away in a
drawer.”

I was very touched by Elizabeth's story. She took the meaning of
Tracy's gift personally, thinking her daughter wanted her to be a
different kind of mother. This prevented her from seeing how much
caring went into all three gifts.

Was it possible that Tracy purchased three presents in hopes that
one of them would please her? Elizabeth at first had difficulty
looking at it this way, but as we continued talking she said,
“Well, yes, now I can see that Tracy put some thought into buying
the gifts. Actually the glasses were handblown and quite lovely and
Tracy and I have enjoyed them when we drink wine together. And it's
true that the video is one of my favorites — Tracy's, too.”

But what about those knitting needles? “Yes, in fact, they were
very nice knitting needles, probably expensive and, yes, most
likely from a specialty knitting store.”

I wondered if those needles may have been a gift of love that
symbolized fond memories from long ago? Elizabeth again proclaimed
that Tracy was too young to remember the days when she knitted
those little sweaters.

But when mother and daughter talked about this in a joint therapy
session, Tracy did indeed remember those days.

“There's a knitting shop I sometimes pass, and each time I walk by,
I remember how you used to knit me those soft, warm sweaters when
I was a little girl. And Mom, I also remember hearing you say over
the years how you really should take up knitting again.' So I
decided to buy you some needles.”

Tracy's choice of gifts seemed to be a metaphor for how the past,
present, and future were energetically bound together.

4. AVOIDING MISUNDERSTANDINGS

For six months Elizabeth had felt misunderstood and hurt about the
presents, but hadn't expressed her feelings or checked out her
daughter's intent. Both Elizabeth and Tracy had leftover hurt
feelings from the giving and receiving of these presents. Tracy's
good intentions somehow got lost when she didn't explain the
intended special meanings. And Elizabeth's quick jump to
conclusions led her to misunderstand the nature of the gifts.

From the beginning, Elizabeth set herself up for disappointment
when she suggested Tracy buy her a gift that would please her
because Tracy couldn't read her mind. And Tracy presumed the
significance of her choice of gifts would be crystal clear to her
mother. But Elizabeth couldn't read Tracy's mind either.'

5. CARING IS NOT SYMMETRICAL

Caring is not symmetrical. There are probably as many ways of
showing it as there are people. There are probably just as many
ways of missing someone's intentions because their style of caring
is different from our own.
We learn styles of caring the same place we learn styles of
gift-giving. In our families.

6. DISAPPOINTMENTS FEEL LIKE REJECTION

Gift-giving is a surely a huge source of disappointments,
hurt feelings and misunderstandings during the holidays.
It's easy to take it personally if you don't get what you hoped
for.

But there’s even more rejection you can heap on if you are so
inclined.
You could tell yourself that the gift-giver doesn't care enough
about
you. After all, if they did they'd have known what you wanted for
a present.

And if you are the gift-giver, you can find ways to get
disappointed and even take it personally. Do you shop
for the 'right' present for someone. Then do you find
yourself anxiously waiting  to see the look on their face
when they open the present you so carefully chose.

Do you try to 'read' their reaction to your gift through their
expression
or body language?  What do you tell yourself?

Or do you shop for the perfect gift for someone, spending more
than you really wanted to, only to open their present to you and
find a sale item from the discount store? Do you get hurt?

And what about gift cards?  The media hype has been
"gift cards give someone the gift of shopping."  Well, true
enough for someone who loves to shop. They appreciate gift cards
because they get the anticipation of looking for and picking out
the perfect gift for themselves. 

Yet for someone else, receiving a gift card feels like a
personal affront. They might even tell themselves that the giver
doesn't care enough about them to do the shopping.

Again, here's a situation where disappointments feel like
rejection.

Some of us have never gotten over childhood
disappointments. When a new disappointment comes our way,
it brings up some of those old childhood memories and feelings. We
may even go into our child 'default' position. Sometimes we
overreact in the present to experiences from the past.

The disappointments can go along with the giving and receiving of
gifts contribute to the stress of the Holidays. What can you do to
make gift-giving go more smoothly?

7. GIFT-GIVING TIPS

You've most likely developed your own useful ways of handling
gift-giving. I'd like to hear from you what works in your situation.

Here are a few tips to consider:

-Know what YOU want.  If you don't know, how can you expect anyone
else to try to figure it out.

-Don't 'hint around.' No one can read your mind. Be direct about
what you want. Surprises are great as long as you can keep from
getting disappointed.

- You could offer two or three gift suggestions. OR even pick out
two things you really love at your favorite store or online site.
asking the person who will buying you a gift choose which one to
buy for you. This way you can be sure it’s a gift you want.

It even has a bit of surprise element as well because you don’t
know which gift they'll choose. It’s worth having a little less
surprise in order to have lots less anxiety for both of you about
the gift-giving.
They’ll love you for making it easy and you get something you
really want.

Besides gift-giving, the other big-ticket Holiday
stressor is family gets-togethers.

And if you want some suggestions for surviving that family
holiday dinner, here are the tips from last month’s TIPS FROM THE
QUEEN OF REJECTION – Giving Gratitude or ‘Attitude.’
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/11/index.html

© 2007 Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Wishing you Happy Holidays,
Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

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