Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

Reunions and Reconnections - Exhilerating and Exhausting

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Reunions can be exhilarating and exhausting at the same time. I just got back from a series of reunions with family, friends and places. I attended a high school reunion and also reunited with an old friend from college.

These adventures gave me the opportunity to discover aspects of myself I didn't know existed. By stepping back into the past and  looking through the eyes of others I could see the reflection of the person I used to be. And I was learning new things about myself!

What Do I Need Most From This Adventure?
For weeks before my trip, I was getting more and more nervous. How would things go? Would I be disappointed? Would I feel rejected and hurt? How would I handle it if things actually went well? And the bigger question: how would I handle it if things deteriorated and I was hugely disappointed?
 
The idea for the trip materialized when I realized I had a need to reconnect with family, friends and favorite places. So I planned a trip to the East Coast where I had done some of my growing up.

I knew I needed to connect with my family in Baltimore. It's been far too long since I visited. I've never met the children of my two nieces -  and the oldest are already four. I wanted to spend time with my brother, Lee, on his turf for a change, instead of in California.

The timing couldn't have been better! There was to be a Forest Park High School reunion brunch while I was there. This wasn't an official 10 year reunion - it was a mini-event to get people together. Hmmmm. Why not plan my trip to include the brunch? 

I don't have much allegiance to Forest Park High School. I graduated after attending only one year. I've never returned for a reunion. I go instead to Omaha Central High reunions even though I moved away and didn't graduate with my class.

I experienced Forest Park only in my senior year when my dad  remarried and moved us from Omaha to Baltimore.

It was such a miserable year for me. I was such a lost soul. I was so angry and resentful at having to leave my friends and the activities I'd worked for - cheerleading captain, yearbook staff, and writing a weekly newspaper column. Adjusting to a brand-new step family with new family rules and roles was such a terrible experience.

When I arrived at FPHS I didn't know anyone and in all honestly, I didn't want to. And it felt like most of them weren't interested in getting to know me, either. They had known each other for years. And I was the newcomer, the outcast, the freak.

I'm grateful for the few people who reached out to me back then, especially Sima who more or less took me under her wing. She introduced me to her friends, and made sure I was included in social stuff.

She and I have stayed friends all these years. It was great seeing her on this trip, spending time together and 'catching up.' Sima picked me up and we drove together to the brunch buffet. I have to tell you that walking in with someone everyone knew made all the difference in the world. I could feel myself relax enough to smile a little at people.

Making Sure to Cover All My Bases
A few weeks before the buffet event I began thinking about how I could best take care of myself in this adventure.

Besides Sima, there were a few others I wanted to try to reconnect with. I emailed each of them that I was coming and would love to get together.

I knew one of them would remember me because we've stayed in touch a bit over the years. I wasn't so sure about the others, though. Would they know who I was? How would I feel if they didn't?

I actually heard back from all three. And yes, they did remember me. Each responded that they'd like to try to get together.

Ricki wasn't planning to attend the brunch but wanted to try to connect if we could. As it turns out, we never did get together when I was in Baltimore. Maybe next time.

I wanted to see if she remembered our cutting school adventures. We'd show up at school in the morning, then decide to drive to Annapolis, 'charter' a fishing boat and sunbathe on the deck out on the Chesapeake Bay. You can imagine how amused the fishermen were!

Another person I wanted to see was Marjorie, who was cheerleading captain at Forest Park and let me be on the cheerleading squad when I arrived from Omaha. I wrote about my gratitude for her kindnesses in an earlier e-letter/blog;
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2010/07/the-clintonmezvinsky-wedding-not-making-the-cut.html

Marjorie and I stay in occasional touch over the years. When she learned I was going to the reunion brunch, she said she'd try to drive down from Philadelphia. But a few days before the event, she emailed she wouldn't be able to make the trip.

The third woman I wanted to reconnect with was Froma. I have really fond memories of her from high school. She, too, remembered me and we were able to reconnect at the brunch. It was great seeing her again. And now we can make sure we stay in touch.

"Sorry, But I Don't Remember You"
As I said earlier, I was pretty anxious about attending this reunion event. I didn't know what to expect. Actually, I was trying  not to have any expectations - just to  let whatever happens, happen. I was curious however about what my responses to all of it would be. What might I discover about the person I was back then? Would I have any  surprises? How did other's see me? What might I  learn about the person I am now?

I was trying so hard not to have unrealistic expectations.Yet, I really didn't see how most of them  could remember me. I became pretty invisible. I didn't  go to my graduation banquet dance. And I have never attended FPHS reunions in the past.

I pretty much found myself expecting folks to say, "Sorry, but I don't remember you."
And that's exactly what most of them said.

I was also aware that those who did remember me seemed glad to see me after all these years. And you know what? There were lots of people there that I didn't remember either!  I was glad to make new connections.

Here's a moment I just loved: As we were about to leave the restaurant, one woman said, "I've been trying to remember who you were, but I couldn't recall you at all. Until this moment. When you just smiled that big smile how you looked back then came flashing back to me!" 

Another Kind of Reunion  - With a Long Lost Person and a Magazine!
I enjoyed another kind of reunion in Baltimore. I've recently had e-mail contact with someone I hadn't seen since college. I worked with Bill on the Mahout, the University  of Alabama's humor magazine in the 1960's. He was Business Manager when I was Office Manager. He now lives in Virginia and drove up to have lunch. Bill brought along the best gift, ever - the first issue of the Mahout printed under my own tenure as Business Manager.

Yep. There was my name on the masthead, "Layni Raskin, Business Manager."  But wait, there's more. On the inside front cover is a full page ad for Tuscaloosa's McDonalds Drive-In. I'm under the Golden Arches with friends leaning on a shiny Cadillac convertible, and eating a Big Mac. Bill said I must have typed the address label myself, because It had the kind of typos I was famous for when I was Office Manager.

I'm so excited to hold this magazine in my hands again! All of my Mahout issues were ruined years ago when my dad's basement flooded.

So I not only had a reunion with Bill, but a reunion with the Mahout as well. Holding this magazine sure symbolizes my recent journey of reconnecting with people, places and memories.

The Take-Aways
The trip went well better than I could have imagined. Maybe because I thought through what I needed and how to make that happen.

I'm grateful for the opportunity to watch myself interact with old memories and the people in them. I was able to stay present, to walk alongside myself and be mindful of  these interactions as they happened.

I could see how that young, scared, insecure person has finally gained some self-confidence in dealing with stressful situations.

I could see how I could let myself be proactive and try to insure my needs would get met.

I also trusted that what happens, happens and whatever occurs I knew I would learn from it.

But how would I have felt if it hadn't gone so well? What if I had I had been too attached to a certain outcome and was mightily disappointed?

What if I hadn't been open to receiving acceptance in whatever form and shape it appeared? What if, instead, I had expected and perceived rejection as I have so often in the past?

How would I have reacted? Would I have immediately gone back to those old reactions of feeling rejected and taking things personally? And if that had happened, what lessons might I have learned about myself, my world and the people in it?

Here is a description of my reactions to another reunion - in Omaha.
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2009/07/class-reunion-a-time-for-reflection.html

And what about you? If you were to take a "reconnection" trip how would you like it to go? How would you plan  for it? What would you have done to prepare? How might you have reacted if it didn't go well? Would you have felt disappointed? Rejected? Hurt? What might you have learned?

© Elayne Savage PhD

I'd love to hear your comments and experiences about your adventures with  reconnections and various kinds of reunions.

You can post on my blog under comments:
http://www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com
or email me at:
elayne@QueenofRejection.com

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs  

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a relationship and workplace communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

 

Can You Still Be Friends? 7 Tips for Healing From a Relationship Breakup

By Elayne Savage, PhD

It must be the season for relationship breakups! Between Valentine's Day and now I've been receiving more emails than usual about the subject.

It's interesting that folks are asking how to navigate a specific kind of breakup: when the person is not just your partner, but also your best friend.

Here are some of the reflections and concerns communicated to me in the emails  .....

This is the person you could tell anything to, the one you feel so connected with, the one you could share and express your thoughts openly and honestly. You invited them into your sacred space, and you were welcomed into theirs.

They were such a comfort to you, and then, for whatever reason, the relationship evaporates.

Perhaps one of you fell 'out of love.' Or you asked, "Is this all there is?" Or maybe you are love each other deeply, but for whatever reason, the relationship just can't work.

Should You Even Try to Salvage the Friendship?

The question the emailers are asking is: "How can I salvage the friendship part?" Or "Should I even try?"

Too often people try to hang onto a relationship because it feels comfortable. And they stay too long because they are afraid of being lonely. 

Sometimes breakups are by mutual agreement. Other times someone feels rejected and would probably have a long way to go before the continuation of the friendship is possible. It's hard not to think: "You rejected me and now you want to be my friend. Good luck!"

There are no cookie cutter answers here. We each have our own sensitivities and capabilities. The important thing is to take good care of yourself and do what feels right to you. (More about loving and honoring yourself below.)

After you decide to part ways, those talks that were such an important part of your life become excruciatingly difficult.  How do you continue to share details of your day the way you used to? Or plan together for an upcoming event? Or discuss unsettling world news? Or confide your concerns about work or your fears about health issues ?

And the one thing you really want them to comfort you about is the very thing you can't talk to them about: the immense hurt and sadness and loss you feel about your breakup.

You want to turn to them for comforting, but they can't be there in the same way. They are no longer available to have intimate conversations with. To confide in. To pour out your heart and soul to. To cry with. 

What a Lonely Feeling . . .

You so much want to pick up the phone or email or text them to share your experiences and your concerns and your fears. And you can't. Perhaps you both made an agreement to not have contact for a while. Until healing can take place. Until it does't hurt so much. Until you feel whole again.

I've struggled with similar experiences myself. More than once. It is painful and lonely.

I remember more than anything wanting to be held and comforted. And yes, especially wanting them to comfort me about the pain of the breakup.

How can the person you need to be comforted about comfort you?

This gigantic sense of loss can occur in many situations: breaking off a romantic relationship or a business relationship or a friendship, or when someone dies. Leaving a business relationship or long-time friendship can feel like a divorce. Any relationship where there is dovetailing of minds, of ideas, of dreams, of passions can break your heart and leave a huge gaping hole when it ends.

The lover or friend that you took so for granted is no longer available. I wonder which is more painful: a gentle parting of ways on good terms or a dramatic, angry breakup.

What a huge hole it leaves in your heart and your soul. And what a long time it can take to heal. It might take months. Or even years.

And what about you? Have you ever faced the question of whether to try to be friends? How have you handled breakups in the past? Did you feel you had to cut everything off? Did you attempt to stay friends? Did you even want to? If you tried, how long did it take before you could make that transition of moving out of one episode of life and into another?

I'd love to hear from you. You can post your thoughts on the outlined comment box below.

How do we Uncouple and become whole again?
Here are 7 Tips for Healing 

• Give Time a Chance
Hopefully life experiences teach us that things can and do get better. Time is an extraordinary healer. If only we could try not to rush the process and let time do it's thing.

• Closure is Critical
Ask yourself what you need to have closure. It's different for each person. Just make sure you're clear about the reason for the breakup whether you initiated it or your partner did. No room for generalities here. Have a conversation that is direct and specific.

• Loving and Nurturing Yourself
Self-love and self-acceptance have to be an inside job! To love yourself you have to know and accept yourself. This means recognizing your blind spots, owning both your strengths and weaknesses, and acknowledging your “shadow” side. Including those child-like parts that may pop up too often.

It means accepting yourself without judgments. Dispensing with the ‘shoulds’ and ‘oughts,’ and any over-concern about what others think. It helps me to repeat, "I am perfect as I am and as I am not."

And by the way, becoming authentic with yourself lets you extend this self-intimacy to other relationships.

You could show love for yourself by treating yourself to a nice dinner, special flowers. soothing music - anything that brings happiness to you and connects you to your world.

And just as important (or maybe even more so) can you let others love and nurture you? Can you allow others to support you through your healing? Can you talk to a friend? This might be a good time for supportive therapy or counseling.

• Self-soothing
Self-soothing is connected to Loving Yourself, but I think it warrants a spot of it's own here. Self-soothing is a way to tap into your needs and resources by quieting yourself.

One way to calm yourself is through repetition of movement which has an auto hypnotic effect. You may already be doing it without even knowing. Do you ever find yourself touching or rubbing your hand, arm, shoulder, chin, or hair? You may have dismissed this repetitive touching as “just a nervous thing I do” but it is, in fact, a creative way of calming yourself.

Next time you find yourself stroking your hair or your shoulder or your knuckles, try doing more of it and notice how well you are making space for yourself.

(The ideas expressed here on intimacy with yourself and self-soothing are based on excerpts from 'Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple' a book for both singles and couples)
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

My friend and colleague, blogger Allen L. Roland, Ph.D. writes: "The basic underlying and uniting force of the universe is a psychic energy field of love and soul consciousness (the Unified Field) which lies not only beyond time and space but ALSO beneath our deepest fears." - Allen L. Roland, Ph.D.

• Releasing Tension
The healing touch of massage is soothing. If you happen to live near a massage training school, you can get massages for very low fee. My rule is to never talk on the massage table - it tightens me up and interferes with relaxation.

The release of endorphins that comes from exercise elevates your mood. My favorite healing exercise is walking at a fairly fast pace and noticing and breathing in the colors around me.

Yoga and Meditation also bring on a feeling of wellbeing. In the alpha state, mental and physical relaxation lead to changes in brain waves and the release of endorphins.

Being mindful of your thoughts and feelings, watching them come and go, is another way to heal.

• Balancing Negativity with Gratitude and Appreciation
Try to balance any negative thoughts and feelings with remembering the good times you had together. Focus on their qualities and magnificence. Are you able to hold on to those memories and keep them in a container where they can coexist alongside the negative feelings? 

• Letting Go
I believe that whatever happens, happens for a reason. I'd like to share with you the Four Principles of Spirituality. I have a PowerPoint version I watch each time I need a reminder.

The Four Principles of Spirituality

1st Principle:
“Whomever you encounter is the right one”
This means that no one comes into our life by chance. Everyone who is around us, anyone with whom we interact, represents something whether to teach us something or to help us improve a situation.

2nd Principle:
“Whatever happened is the only thing that could have happened”
Absolutely nothing of that which we experience could have been any other way. Not even in the least important detail. There is no “if only I had done that differently… Then it would have been different”. No, what happened is the only thing that could have taken place and must have take place for us to learn a lesson in order to move forward. Every situation in life which we encounter is absolutely perfect, even when it defies our understanding and our ego.

3rd Principle:
“Each moment in which something begins is the right moment”
Everything begins at exactly the right moment, neither earlier nor later. When we are ready for it, for that something new in our life, it is there, ready to begin.

The Final Principle:
“What is over, is over”
It is that simple. When something in our life ends, it helps our evolution. That is why, enriched by the recent experience, it is better to let go and move on.

Whatever your loss may be, I wish for you Healing, Harmony and Regeneration ....

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

When 'Gratitude' Takes on Personality

by Elayne Savage, PhD

Thanksgiving has always been a favorite holiday. Although I'm not exactly sure why.

I used to take it for granted. A perfunctory thanks before the meal was about the extent of  my display of gratitude. And then I could get on with the pleasure of eating - especially all that unhealthy, crispy turkey skin that I adore.

'Gratitude' Becomes More Than a Word

Then, a few years ago, something shifted. I now find myself creating the space to bring the meaning of gratitude and appreciation into my life - often.

I appreciate so many things, large and small. From smiles from strangers I pass on the street to someone responding positively to a favor it took me days to work up to asking for, to folks graciously letting me give something back to them.

But a big-ticket appreciation item is how grateful I am for the wonderfully supportive people in my life. Many are old friends, one even goes back to junior high school and we reconnected at a high school reunion a few years ago. Several from high school and college. Some of these enduring relationships are from my first real job, decades ago. I'm actually spending this Thanksgiving with my college roommate and her family.

I'm grateful when I've been able to reconnect to friends after losing contact. The reconnection could happen because one of us reached out, and the other was open and receptive. Sometimes there has been an intermediary who was the catalyst.

These are special friendships because they could easily have been lost forever. So, I count my blessings that you are in my life.

When the Student is Ready, the Teacher Will Appear

I appreciate the Buddhist saying: "When the Student is ready, the Teacher will appear."

I'm grateful for my mentors and teachers and the opportunities presented. I'm especially grateful that I have the wisdom (OK, maybe intuition) to be open to receive.

I have learned much from family, friends, therapy and coaching clients. And from you, too, readers who have received these e-letters and responded with your own ideas and thoughts.  I'm grateful to you.

"Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble"

This year has had its share of drama. There were surely times I was knocked off my center and landed with a big thud. Or maybe it was more of a splat.

The nightmare started last spring. Of all the times I've been interviewed as an expert on cyber abuse, I never dreamed I'd become the target of a malicious action by someone I hardly knew decades ago. The outpouring of support by family, friends, and from folks I've never met, was so important to keeping my sanity.

So, thanks for helping me stand again. And for helping me tap into my resilience which had become momentarily obscured. And for your unmistakable caring.

The Dreaded Birthday Arrives

And more recently, I so appreciate how friends and family rallied around me when I had a difficult birthday. I have officially arrived at the age my father was when he died and I have been hugely affected by this rite of passage.

And yet, the Phoenix rises! It feels like a breakthrough year is in the process of happening. It feels that whatever was holding me back from reaching some goals, just went 'poof' into thin air. Much like the animated puff of virtual smoke on my Mac when I drag an icon off the Doc or toolbar.

The birthday celebration went on for weeks. It became the ritual I needed it to be.

There are people in my life that seem to know what to say and when to say it. Even when they are not present because of distance or circumstance, they still have the ability to touch my heart. So, I want to say how grateful I am for this insight and intuition and ability to be able to tune in and be present.

And I'm grateful, too, for all the healing that takes place in our hearts and minds and physical beings to make us and the world healthy, strong and humane.

As I was writing these words about embracing a wider perspective, an email arrived from a professional speaker colleague linking to a WSJ article mentioning Naikan.

The Buddhist practice of Naikan is a method of self-reflection which helps us understand ourselves, our relationships and the fundamental nature of human existence. Naikan translates to "inside looking" or "introspection."

Naikan reflection is based on three questions:

 - What have I received from ..........?
 - What have I given to ..........?
 - What troubles and difficulties have I caused ..........?

Hmmmm. That 'troubles and difficulties' part gives pause. Especially for some of us who are natural born shit-kickers.

Sometimes taking responsibility for our actions can be difficult . . .
If you want to understand more about Naikan, here's a link:
http://www.buildlife.org/cl/naikan.htm

Tips for Talking to the Turkeys at the Table

I usually give some Thanksgiving get-together tips for taking good care of yourself by not taking obnoxious relatives so personally when you are talking to the turkeys at the dinner table.
Here you go:
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2007/11/thanksgiving-ga.html

For many of us, receiving appreciation isn't easy. Sometimes it  helps to have a reason. Thanks, Thanksgiving for providing a reason.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Your support, emails and phone calls mean a lot to me. I appreciate you. And I'm always grateful when you send me ideas to write about in this blog.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs  

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultationservices visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

 

The Clinton-Mezvinsky Wedding - Not Making the Cut

by Elayne Savage

I wasn't invited to the Clinton-Mezvinsky wedding. And I'm not taking it personally!

My high school friend Marjorie Margolies-Mezvinsky's son, Marc, is marrying Chelsea Clinton. A couple of days ago, I gave up on getting an invitation. Oh well.

Did you read the NY Times piece about the many disappointed folks who didn't make the cut? Their comments could have jumped from the pages of my book 'Don't Take It Personally!' Especially remarks about feeling "not good enough" and "left out." And descriptions of hard feelings," "feeling bad," and "noses out of joint."

Disappointment in not making the cut

Have you ever been terribly disappointed at not being invited to a wedding or other special event? Or if invited, have you been upset when you are not seated at a special table? Or if you are not being asked to be included in photos?

It's easy to get our noses out of joint, isn't it?

I've heard hundreds of stories from clients struggling with left out feelings. And I've had a few experiences myself.

Disappointments Feel Like Rejection

Disappointments like these feel like rejection. And we tend to dwell anthem - maybe for hours or even days. Then it turns into self-rejection. We start feeling bad about ourselves,. "Not good enough" messages begin to take over.

It helps to put disappointment in perspective. To step back enough nag not get swept up in the bad feelings.  It also helps to be aware that any new disappointment includes a stockpiling of all our old disappointments. Not making the cut for a wedding  recalls other times when we felt left out or snubbed or slighted.

Stay realistic, keep your perspective and don't take it personally!

It helps to be realistic about our expectations.

There are many times when I  have not been invited to a wedding. Yes, sometimes I get disappointed and hurt. Then with some reflection,I realize it just might be because I hardly know either of the two people getting married.

These days the couple often takes charge of planning food, entertainment and the guest list. There have been times when I'm friendly with the parents, but barely know the couple. Sure I would love to be invited, especially if it is a prestige event. 

Realistically, however, I really can't expect an invitation. Especially when the venue has limited seating.

When I think of the times my hurt feelings have complicated my business or personal interactions with these folks, I sure wish I'd handled it differently.

And of course, it helps when I remind myself that the best thing about not getting invited is I don't have to worry what to wear or what gift to send!

In the case of the Clinton-Mezvinsky wedding, many of the disappointed folks are likely social or political friends of both sets of parents. Most probably don't have direct connection with the couple. Four hundred or so attendees really means 200 invitations, when you consider many invitees are couples.

The wedding media speculation has been entertaining.. And it's been especially fun to hear so much about the mother of the groom, my high school friend, Marjorie.

Marjorie Margolies Mezvinsky's big heart

Marjorie Margolies-Mezvinsky has been a model of graciousness for me ever since we were classmates at Forest Park High School in Baltimore.

I haven't seen her since graduation, except on network TV when she was a journalist.
We've had some occasional contact over the years. Each time we reconnect, I am aware of her warmth and big heart. And with each contact, I'm reminded of her original graciousness to me in high school.

Marjorie was cheerleading captain. I had just moved to Baltimore in my senior year after my dad remarried. I had to give up being squad captain in Omaha, and was pretty depressed about the move. Changing schools, making new friends and adjusting to a step-family was taking a big toll on me.

Marjorie gracefully agreed to let me join the squad. What a life-saver this turned out to be. A built-in identity for a 'lost soul.' Inclusion in the cheerleading squad helped make an unpleasant time, a little easier. And I'm grateful.

An item about this story is in Leah Garchik's column in the San Francisco Chronicle. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2010/07/25/DDHQ1EHBAO.DTL

Many years later, Marjorie's graciousness surfaced again. She became my 'cheerleader" when I was writing 'Don't Take It Personally!' As a published author she could give me some terrific tips. 

I decided right then to take big-hearted lessons from Marjorie Margolies-Mezvinsky.

And what a model she is! Marjorie's big heart was evident when she became the first single woman to adopt a foreign child, a Korean girl, and shortly after, a Vietnamese girl. After she married, there were his four children, and two they had together. Then they adopted three more Vietnamese children.They raised 11 children. Wow.

And I respect Marjorie's courage in voting her conscience when she was in the House of Representatives in the 90's. Hers was the deciding vote for President Clinton's budget plan. And in her Republican district, her vote cost her the next election.

Marjorie is a class act. I'm sure the wedding will be just as classy. Sorry I'll be missing it. According to the NY Times piece, all the uninviteds are saying, "it's no biggy."

And I'm sure not taking it personally!

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consulting services visit:

http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Traveling Back in Time - From Self-Rejection to Self-Acceptance

Elayne Savage, PhD

Sometimes we have the opportunity to revisit the
past, and look at ourselves through a new lens. If we're

lucky we can use the experience as a marker to appreciate

ourselves in a fresh way and see how far we've come.

In my case, I got to discard the old rejection filter.

Recently I  spoke at an event at the University of Alabama,
my undergraduate alma mater. This is only my second
trip back since graduation. My last visit was 20 years
ago.

This time I returned as a grownup.

It's not easy to go back to old venues. The insecurities of
the past come flooding back. All the self-doubts, the
fear of rejection, the negative self-talk . . . and the feelings
of vulnerability.

What a mess I was when I arrived as a Freshman on the
Bama campus. I was confused and dazed from recent
events in my life.

Just a few years earlier, my mother and grandmother had
died in a plane crash. Then my father remarried and we
moved from Omaha to Baltimore. What a culture shock
that was! And how resentful I was that I had to start over
in a new town my senior year of high school.

Not Fitting In
I felt 'different' from my peers. Like I didn't fit in. And truth be
told, I probably seemed a little odd. And what could I have
been thinking to attend a Southern school when feeling
'different' and left out was my big issue?

I didn't talk about my growing up experiences to anyone.

A few folks intuitively made attempts to bestow kindnesses.
However, I had trouble accepting their efforts and often
pushed away.

One of the bestowers was John L. Blackburn. He was the
Dean of Men when I was a co-ed. He was understanding,
caring and patient. I sure needed those kindnesses. In my
eventual role as a student leader and Business Manager
of the Mahout humor magazine, I got to know him. pretty
well over the years.

And he made an effort to know me. When I got into trouble or
needed a rule bent a bit, I'd be knocking on his office door.
John L. would run interference for me with the Dean of
Women's office. I guess you could say he was my 'go-to' guy.

Not without a price, however. John L. tried his best to keep me
out of trouble with quite a few stern but kindly talkings-to.

In those days, there were countless rules -  just waiting
to be broken:
- Alcoholic drinks  had to be in
  'unrevealing containers.' 
- Coeds were to wear  raincoats on
  campus to conceal jeans or shorts.
- Co-eds couldn't walk up the steep steps
  of the Student Union if wearing skirts.
- There was a 10 pm weekday curfew:

   "Sign out, Sign In, where you goin'?

   Where you been?"
 
After I graduated and moved to California, John L. would say to
me: "If you get back here, I'd like to have a little get-together for
you." So I'm thinking he meant a backyard barbecue in
Tuscaloosa.

That's not what he had in mind.

I did get back to Alabama in 1990. He hosted a banquet style
dinner at The Club in Birmingham. It  wasn't  a barbecue  at all.
It was more like a ROAST.They took turns telling stories on me.
It was an embarrassingly sweet and special evening.

John L. was my go-to guy several times over the years. He wrote
reference letters for my early job searches. He arranged to have
Forrest Gump (via Winston Groom) write a book jacket blurb for

my first book, 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with

Rejection.'

There was no doubt whatsoever that I would make this trip to the
University to speak at the celebration of John L's life after he died.

I felt so honored to be on the program. There were 250 people
in the audience paying tribute to his accomplishments: as the
person credited with making sure the 'school house door'
stayed open and welcoming in the summer of 1963, as Dean
of Men, and as Vice President for Educational Development.
His legacy lives on with the establishment of the Blackburn
Institute, a leadership development program on the Alabama
campus. Mostly, though he was remembered as  a person of
great kindness and compassion.

I only wish our contacts over the years hadn't been so infrequent.
 Sometimes way too many years went by.

Revisiting Old Haunts and Old Feelings
What an amazing experience to walk around campus,
remembering the bittersweetness of those days so many
years ago.

When I was a student, my sensitivity to 'being different' caused
me to feel left out and less-than. Too often this contributed to
overwhelming perceptions of rejection. Yep, my self-esteem
was pretty low.

What an emotionally corrective experience to return as a
professional grownup, making a valuable contribution to the
event.

How refreshing to return to the campus and be treated with
respect and acceptance. I had such gracious escorts during
my stay in Tuscaloosa and in Birmingham. It was especially

rewarding to reconnect with John L.'s  wife, Gloria Blackburn,

and be told I "held a special place in his heart."

And I was able to take it all in and accept it, instead of pushing
it away. I guess I was finally able to ditch that old rejection filter.

In the acknowledgments for 'Don't Take It Personally!' I thanked
John L. for his encouragement and for  "figuring sooner or later
I’d grow into my capabilities."
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

I hope John L. took that thank you in. I guess you can tell, he
holds a special place in my heart too.

Isn't it wonderful how some people touch our lives only briefly or
sporadically, yet they become part of our soul.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
 

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentine's Day

By Elayne  Savage, PhD

On Valentine’s Day is the value of your relationship tied up in a gift?
Are you dropping lots of hints about what you yearn for?
Are you crossing your fingers and  hoping your sweetie will read your mind?

"If You Love Me, You'll Read My Mind . . ."

Especially on Valentine's Day, unstated wishes and unrealistic
expectations are set-ups for disappointment. And we know all
too well how disappointments and misunderstandings can lead to
hurt feelings, misunderstandings, disappointment, anger and resentment.

And resentment takes up so much relationship space, there's barely
room for connection and intimacy.

By keeping your expectations realistic, you'll reduce your chances of
disappointment. And because disappointment feels a lot like rejection,

it's all too easy to take it personally.

7 Tips: If You Are Part of a Couple

-1  Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetie will
read your mind. Be direct, and communicate clearly what
you yearn for. And make sure your partner  hears and understands
you.

-2  Keep your Valentine’s expectations realistic and do-able.
Otherwise, it’s a set-up for disappointment.

-3  Don't let the fear of buying the wrong gift or card  ruin the day.
All too often folks avoid celebrating Valentine's Day for
fear of buying the wrong thing.

-4  Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families
with different styles of gift giving AND receiving. Can you respect
each others 'ways' and not feel threatened by them?

–5  Don’t mistake "not thinking" for "not caring." Your partner’s
way of approaching Valentine's  Day may be different from yours.
Try not to feel slighted if it’s “not the way you’d
do it.” This goes for gift-giving as well.
 
–6  Don’t try too hard to be “creative” in YOUR gift giving.
Just be you, expressing your appreciation of your partner.
On the other hand, a little planning is a great idea so Valentines
Day doesn't seem like an 'afterthought.'

–7  AND if things don't go the way you had hoped, don’t take it personally.

Dwelling takes up way too much energy and relationship space. Make
room instead for connection and intimacy.

More Tips: If You Are Unattached

-1  Spend the day loving yourself. You are worth it!

-2  Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to YOUR favorite
flowers.

-3  Treat yourself to that little gift you've been hankering for.

-4  Take yourself to brunch, lunch or dinner.

-5  Be grateful for the people you are lucky enough to love
in your little
corner of the world.

-6  Be grateful for the people who care about you.

-7 Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in
giving and receiving love, perhaps spreading your light in a
wider arc than your little corner of the world.

Away From the Hype and More Toward the Heart

You can spread lots of light by embracing kindnesses and giving and mindfulness, and graciousness and compassion and gratitude and love.Not just toward others but for yourself as well. I'll bet it looks good on you.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, EVERYONE!

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consulting services visit:

http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Thanksgiving . . . Opportunity Awaits

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
November, 2009

Thanksgiving . . . Opportunity Awaits
By Elayne Savage, PhD

A very un-Thanksgiving-like phrase parades through my mind:

"The Chinese character for crisis is made up of two parts: danger and opportunity."

For over 15 years in interviews, articles and workshops I've been offering tips for handling Thanksgiving get-togethers and obnoxious relatives. Ways to  replace attitude with gratitude. Never did I dream I'd be writing words about crisis and danger.

This year for many of us, the usual cornucopia of plenty is bursting forth instead with scarcity.

And yet perhaps we can rummage around in there to find some positives - turning stumbling blocks into building blocks.

 Crisis Tends to Light a Fire

In 'Don't Take It Personally!' I write how danger and opportunity mirror each other:

"The Chinese character for crisis is made up of two parts: danger and opportunity. Crisis tends to light a fire that can initiate positive action.

Crisis allows people to dip deeply within, to open doors that have heretofore been closed, to breathe energy into new directions, to be creative out of necessity.

. . . in childhood you developed lifesaving strategies to help you get through those difficult years. These qualities may have come from existing in a crisis mode, but now you can offer yourself an opportunity to transform them into highly functional skills . . .

Imagine taking a step or two away and walking alongside yourself. What do you notice? How are you moving? Do you have energy? Are you tense or are you relaxed? What is your breathing like? Are you really breathing? Are you smiling? Could you be happy?

 . . . By walking alongside yourself, you can be more objective about yourself. You can begin to notice small changes and learn from them. One of the most important questions you can ask yourself is, “What is different this time?” or “How did I do it differently?

. . . a good way to transform crisis into opportunity is to survey the past and ask yourself, “What can I learn from this that I can use in the present and perhaps carry into the future with me?” This attitude allows you to develop a new approach to life in which you see things from a different perspective and make new choices."

from 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection'
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

A Very Different Thanksgiving

Last year at this time  I wrote about economic stresses and strains. However the idea of crisis didn't even cross my mind back then.  Wow. It certainly has magnified, hasn't it? This Thanksgiving it seems we have to work double time to muster up some gratitude.

We are painfully aware how these economic times affect each of us and those we love. As a workplace and relationship coach, I hear many stories every week.

Since my style of working with clients is to enhance strengths and positives, sometimes I find myself scrambling to come up with valuable reframes and take-aways.  It's harder than ever this year because relationships are especially strained by dashed hopes, stretched budgets, and lost jobs, homes, and physical and emotional health.

For sure, this is a very different Thanksgiving. Being thankful during this painful time is a real stretch.

Yet many of you have told or written me about how, in spite of the hardships, your perspective has changed in some wonderfully positive ways.

Something has shifted in how you think about the things you used to take for granted.

Transforming Crisis into Opportunity

You tell me how this experience of scarcity creates a new determination to reflect and respond differently. Many of your ideas are amazingly creative.

You talk about how you are rethinking priorities. And using the extra time to spend with friends or family. You talk about fueling  your passions. Taking one or two professional courses - and some fun ones, too. Exploring hobbies. And thankfully getting some stuff done you've been putting off forever.

Seems to me the phrase 'thinking out of the box' is taking on new meaning.

"The Chinese character for crisis is made up of two parts: danger and opportunity..."

A Time for Reflection

As for me, I'm grateful to have time for some quiet reflection on what each new day brings. And apropos of this,  I want to share a recent piece by Roy H. Williams, The Wizard of Ads, from his 'Monday Morning Memo':

                                   My Holiday Gift to You ... For Real
                                              by Roy H. Williams

Tom Hennen has a line in his poem, The Life of a Day, that says,“We examine each day before us with barely a glance and say, ‘no, this isn’t one I’ve been looking for,’ and wait in a bored sort of way for the next, when we are convinced, our lives will start for real.”

That line is a little bit frightening because you read it and realize you’re guilty. You’ve been waiting for that day when your life will start “for real.”

The trouble with life is that it’s just so daily.



I share this with you because I’ve been thinking about my two grandfathers who are dead and my father who is likewise and I’ve come to the obvious conclusion:

Live while you have the chance.

“Papa was a rolling stone. Wherever he laid his hat was his home…” 
- The Temptations, 1971

In the final moments of his life, my father scribbled a note for me to find. In barely legible pencil he scrawled, “All the little things in life add up to your life. If you don't get it right then nothing else matters. It gets lonely in the promised land by yourself.”

My Dad died lonely, I think, because he never made deep commitments. My father’s confession of his loneliness makes me sad, but his scribbled note tells me he wanted me to learn from his mistake.



I meet a lot of people who sigh deeply and say they’re looking for their passion, something to set their souls on fire and send beams of light shining out through their eyes.

But the people with light shining from their eyes know this:

Passion does not produce commitment.
Commitment produces passion.



Solomon, that wise king, spent years of his life searching for passion. In chapter 9 of the chronicle of that search, the book of Ecclesiastes, Solomon writes, “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.”

People read that and think Solomon is saying, "Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow you may die," but that's not it at all. He's saying, "Throw your whole heart into whatever you do. Live while you have the chance."

This is my Holiday gift to you,

I hope you will receive it:

Find something that needs to be done

and throw yourself headlong into it.

Let today

be the day

your life begins

for real. 

Roy H. Williams
www.MondayMorningMemo.com

Opportunity awaits . . .

And if you can use some Thanksgiving get-together tips for taking good care of yourself by not taking obnoxious relatives so personally, here you go:

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2008/11/index.html

© Elayne Savage,PhD

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Class Reunion – A Time For Reflection

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
July, 2009

 

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Class Reunion – A Time For Reflection
2. Always The Last to Know
3. Feeling Like a Freak
4. New information Rocks My World
5. New Found Appreciation
6.  Contacting Elayne
7.  Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Class Reunion – A Time For Reflection
by Elayne Savage, PhD

The prospect of a class reunion can be frightening.This isn't my first one, yet I don't remember looking so critically at myself before.

The reunions used to be held every five years. Now they are every ten. I didn't know about the first few because I was 'lost.' You see, I did not actually graduate from Omaha Central High. When my dad remarried we moved to Baltimore for my senior year.

Because I want to be like everyone else I've learned to take care of myself. I realized my name tag would be photo-less because I was not in the senior yearbook. So I scanned my Baltimore high school photo and sent it to the event planner asking them to put my photo on the tag.  They did.

Two days before boarding the plane in San Francisco I got cold feet. I honestly found myself thinking about ways I could get out of going.

I also did something I haven't done in years. I stood in front of my closet, fretting about what clothes to bring. I thought I'd outgrown that kind of indecisiveness. I've learned to trust I usually look good enough. But not this time. I kept pulling clothes from my closet and piling them on the bed. I tried on lots of outfits. Nothing looked right. I was aware of the old high school uncertainties flooding back. Yuck. I thought I had outgrown that. Guess not.

Truth be told, I was very close to changing my mind about going. It can be dangerous when we start thinking about ways to get out of something we dread doing. We might even conjure up a situation where we don’t have to follow through. But I managed to get through those last days without breaking a leg or arm. I even got to the airport on time.

I'm so glad I went. This has been an amazing, enriching experience. I cherish time with my Central High classmates.  Yet as connected as I feel during these reunion weekends, we somehow manage to not keep in touch from reunion to reunion. This is true of even my best high school friends.

As we go through life we develop notions about the world around us and the people in it.  Wow. Was this ever true for me in high school. Self-doubt took over. I took everything personally. I was the kid who was different from everyone else because I didn't have a mother. I was the poorer kid who wore my cousin's hand-me-downs.

This long reunion weekend with Omaha Central High classmates gave me the opportunity to stop seeing things from the lens of inferiority. I could begin to see the world through a different filter. I watched myself grow up over the weekend.

But not before I started to fall into the old trap of feeling 'different' and 'left out.'

Always The Last to Know

The 'left out' part crept my first day there when my older cousin said, "By the way, Barb called and invited you to the pizza party tomorrow night for the old gang."

I immediately told myself, "I guess I'm the last to know about the party. I'm an afterthought again." 

I had always felt not exactly part of that 'gang.' I felt on the periphery much of the time. (Sure, I realize now that most of us feel left out in high school. If you ask the really popular kids they will tell you the same thing.)

When I got to the restaurant I found out the party was an afterthought. It had materialized only the day before. What started out as a group of 6 people grew to a party of 35 or so.

Hmmmmmmm. Interesting, isn't it, how fast I went to that old 'left out' default position?

At each of the reunion events, the 'official' ones and the smaller private gatherings, I could see people were genuinely glad to see me. When someone remembered and shared something about me from those high school days, I could take in their words. Once in a while, someone would say, "I don't remember you," I was OK with hearing that as well. I didn't remember lots of people either.

It was great fun to reconnect with some high school classmates I remembered from 6th grade when we were in a City-wide play. Some of us car-pooled together. I remember I had a mad crush on one of the boys from those play days. Whenever I had a chance to talk with him during rehearsals or performances, I would roll my eyes back into my head. I guess I though it was cool or something. Once he asked me, "Is something wrong with your eyes?" Guess I was wrong about it being a neat, flirty thing to do. I stopped rolling them.

Three of four of us from those play days showed up for this reunion. One even came from Italy. But the fourth actor was missing. Peter Hoagland, who served in the U.S. House of Representatives from Nebraska, died almost two years ago.

I was really looking forward to seeing my friend from middle school, Rosalee. We'd ride the bus together almost every day downtown to Central. She'd be already there always sitting in the same seat, wearing her red coat, waiting for me to board. I looked for her at the reunion events but couldn't find her. Then I saw her name. On the list of classmates who died. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

Feeling Like a Freak

I mentioned how I felt different from the others. Part of this was being poorer. Part was being without a mother in a world where it seemed every other family was intact. Back in those days there were rarely separations or divorces. I surely didn't know anyone else in a single parent family. Most especially where the mom had died.

Because my mother and grandmother died in a much-publicized plane crash when I was12, I felt so different. My brother Lee and I learned not to talk about the crash, not to offer information about being motherless. It was always awkward because people did not know what to say to us. So we didn't say anything to anybody.

During those high school years I felt like a freak.

New information Rocks My World

Imagine my amazement to learn I was not the only one in my class without a mother! Within the space of 3 1/2 hours I learned some startling information in chance conversations from two classmates.  They also had mothers who died before we arrived in high school.

None of us ever talked about it. Each of us thought we were the only one. And after the reunion I connected with yet another classmate who also grew up in a single parent household. One with no father. He, too, thought he was the only one of our group with a missing parent.

We all could have been good company for each other if we had not felt the need to be so secretive and protective. How many others are there with similar experiences in our 400 plus class?

New Found Appreciation

I got to spend lots of time 'catching up' with my good friend Gail. What a special person she was back then and continues to be. What treat to have lunch together not just once, but twice. I appreciated Gail back then, but even more so now. This time we're determined to stay in contact between reunions. And so far, we're doing a pretty good job of it.

As I walked the halls of Central High, I could see many parallels about appreciation. After all these years I have a new respect for the stately beauty of the 100 year old massive building: the curved wooden doors and moldings and banisters. The beautiful art deco light fixtures. The courtyard. The many things I took for granted back then. And so it is with friendships. With this reunion comes new appreciation. And gratitude.

I'm glad I managed to get on that plane. It was a fantastic experience in spite of a weekend of bad hair days and two prominent pimples – arriving just for the occasion. And you know what? Once I'd relaxed enough to make these longed-for reconnections, my hair, and zits didn't seem important any longer.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Relationship Lessons from Yosemite

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION ®
May 2008

IN THIS ISSUE

1. Relationship Lessons from Yosemite
 2. Magnetized by the energy of the granite
 3. Durable yet vulnerable
 4. Ingredients for solid relationships
 5. Seemingly Solid Yet Fragile
 6. Knock, Knock. I Can't Get Through Your Wall
 7. Creating Sacred Space
 8. An Experience in Contrast
 9. The 'Take Away'
10. Contacting Elayne
11. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Relationship Lessons from Yosemite
By Elayne Savage, PhD

We just spent five magical and transcendent days in Yosemite.
The first word that comes to mind is 'other-worldly.' What a
spectacular and awesome experience.

Yosemite offers an amazing combination of ruggedness and serenity.
I'm in another dimension of consciousness as I take in vistas of
soaring granite walls, springtime cascading waterfalls, gushing
streams, lush forests, and serene meadows.
 `
I have to catch my breath at the wonderment of it all.

Magnetized by the Energy of the Granite

I find myself becoming magnetized by the granite and it's
soothing, nurturing, restorative, caressing energy.

I experience a powerful exchange of energy with the granite.
And itreminds me of the powerful exchanges of energy possible
in personal relationships.

So using Yosemite as a backdrop and metaphor for relationships,
let's take a look at some examples.

Durable yet vulnerable

No wonder there is a sense of timelessness about the cliffs.
Conditions for their formation began millions of years ago. And
they have existed in their present state for thousands of years. 
Some of the cliffs rise 3000 to 4000 feet from the valley floor,
which itself is 4000 feet above sea level.

Timeless. Eternal. A solid foundation, rooted deeply in the earth.

The waterfalls are a different story. They renew each springtime
as the melting snow cascades over the granite. By late summer
and autumn as the snowpack dwindles, the falls become a barely
discernable trickle. In the spring, they flow anew. The rivers and
streams gush with renewed energy.

Renewable. Replenishing. Refreshing.

Ingredients for Solid Relationships

And so it is with relationships. Relationships can be as durable as
the granite cliffs. Especially with a little help from regular
renewing and refreshing some important ingredients (From
'Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple':

- giving and accepting respect
- the ability to trust
- allowing sincerity, honesty, authenticity and vulnerability
- the capacity for teamwork-working and playing together.

All of this woven together by open and direct
communication.

Seemingly Solid Yet Fragile

Those majestic granite walls seem so solid. So timeless. So eternal.

And yet . . . There are signs of fragility and vulnerability here.
Geologists tell us the unusual rock formations were created by
fractures within the rock. Many of these arise from increasing
and decreasing pressure

You'll see another sign of fragility as well. Notice the boulders,
rocks and stones. This is the 'talus', the debris from rockslides
and rock avalanches below the cliffs. The most recent rockslide
was in 1996 when 60-80,000 tons, crashed 1800 feet into the valley.

Yes, these natural processes continue to shape Yosemite Valley.

'Rock slides' shape our relationships as well. But it's not all
bad.This can take a positive course if we use them as
stepping-stones to bolster and strengthen our relationships.

Knock, Knock. I Can't Get Through Your Wall

Looking up at these granite walls surrounding Yosemite Valley, I
can't help but think of walls we build in our relationships. The walls
we build when we don't feel safe and secure. The walls I know
I'm very good at building when I need to protect myself.

My personal wall is built of brick.

There used to be turrets on top. No light could get through.
It was a dark and lonely place. I grew up. I learned to feel
a little safer. And sunlight began to filter through.

I noticed the wall was beginning to lower. Brick by brick.

Even now, when I feel threatened I tend to protect myself once
again. The threat usually comes from a look or tone of voice. It's 
when I feel disrespected in some way. Perhaps invalidated,
patronized, condescended to, or dismissed. And guess what?

I can feel the wall growing back again. Brick by brick.

But it never gets as high as in the old days. Just high enough for
me to feel safe enough.

Trouble is, walls create barriers and keep us from connecting to
the other person.

Did you build a wall, too? Do you remember what it was made of?
Is it still with you at times? When does it come back?

Creating Sacred Space

I gaze in wonderment at the secluded mountain meadows framed
by the towering granite mountains and the forests. To me the
meadows are a place to breathe, a respite. To me the meadows
symbolize sacred space.

An Experience in Contrasts

One day we drove to the High Country even though we knew
part of Tioga Road may be closed. It often is this time of year
because of the snow.

What an experience in contrasts! On this wonderfully warm and
sunny day, we found ourselves driving through snow banks!

We trudged through snow to sit on the bank of a small lake and
eat lunch in the warm sun. It was tempting to have a snowball
fight or build a snowman (or woman.)

Again I was reminded of how sights and experiences in Yosemite
can be a metaphor about relationships.

The contrasts between the warmth of the day and the coldness
of the snow reminded me of how relationships blow hot and cold.
Sometimes this happens when that protective wall comes up.
Sometimes it's because of a "go away a little closer" message:
We have a need for closeness, yet a fear of it. So we might give
out conflicting (and confusing) messages.

There are also the quite wonderful contrasts in relationships that
can add so much. If we let them.

These are differences in style which, when accepted and
respected, can enhance the relationship considerably. If we let them.

First we must make the choice to embrace differences rather then
consider them a threat.  Remember threats? And how easy it is
for that wall to go up.

The 'Take Away'

Of all the many relationship metaphors I noticed in Yosemite,
here is the primary one I carried away:

Just as the waterfalls renew each year and flow into the heart of
Yosemite Valley, relationships, too, can be refreshed and renewed.
And there's nothing quite like the energy that flows from heart to
heart.

'Til next month,
Elayne

© 2008 Elayne Savage, PhD

Any ideas?

I welcome your ideas on how to expand this piece of writing about
ways we can reflect upon the relationship metaphors nature provides
to us.

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

10. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

On Valentines Day - Away from the Hype and More Toward the Heart

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
February, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1. On Valentines Day - Away from the Hype and More Toward the Heart
2. 'Wishing and hoping . . . and planning and dreaming'
3. Programmed to Expect Disappointment
4. Disappointment Feels a Lot Like Rejection
5. 7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentines Day
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. ON VALENTINES DAY - AWAY FROM THE HYPE AND
    MORE TOWARD THE HEART

Here comes Cupid. What are his arrows coated with this year?
Love and Feelings of Gratitude?  Or yet another Valentine's Day
Disappointment?

The push toward spending and buying doesn't help, either.
I know I think this every year, however I'm positive that this 
year candy and hearts were on display a month earlier than usual.
I think maybe 5 days after Christmas.

I decided to take fabulous care of myself this Valentines  Day.
I bought myself a wonderful card.  A nice mix of charming, funny
and sentimental. I actually put a postage stamp on it and mailed it
to myself.

I'm also shopping for just the right gift, too.

I want to start a new Valentines Day movement - away from the hype
and more toward the heart.

2. ''WISHING AND HOPING . . . AND PLANNING AND DREAMING'

I wish I'd known how to take better care of myself in grade school
on Valentines Day. Instead, I spent way too much time wishing and
hoping to receive valentines. Like the popular kids did.

I do think the agony of those early years left a residue of yuck
about Valentines Day for me.  Probably forever.

I still remember those miserable years when I felt so left out of
the Valentines Day 'scene'. I used to fantasize about being one of
ones who got the most valentines. Truth be told, I hardly got any.

I just hated it when the most popular girls would go around asking
everyone, "How many did YOU get?" And proceed to brag about their
abundance of love notes.

Did I feel rejected?  I sure did. 

Then of course, the critical self-rejecting messages took over.
Who was I to even think that cutie one row over and two rows back
would be EVER be interested in me. What a disappointment.

3. PROGRAMMED TO EXPECT DISAPPOINTMENT

I guess there are lots of folks out there with some of the same
miserable childhood Valentines Day experiences.  I hear similar
stories all the time from friends, colleagues and clients. About
how they seem to be programmed to EXPECT disappointment.
Especially on Valentines Day.

And we often set ourselves up for disappointment:

By telling yourself 'if you really love me, you'll read your mind.'
Does your sweetie fail the test - unable to guess what you're
longing for?

By dropping hints like crazy. Crossing your fingers and hoping your
sweetie will read your mind.

By craving your honey will surprise you with reservations for that
new trendy restaurant that you've been dying to go to.  Not a word.

By having your heart set on a special Valentine gift. That new
book you've been wanting or something from your favorite shop. 
Nope. Doesn't happen.

By expecting a special card with tender sentiment. And it says
only: 'Happy Valentines Day.'  Does your face fall?

Oh, and there's that Valentines Day frenzy at work. All day you
watch co-workers receive gorgeous flowers or those too-cute teddy
bears. You just know you'll be the next recipient. But there's no
delivery for you. How embarrassing. And you really had your hopes
up. Another disillusionment.

4. DISAPPOINTMENT FEELS A LOT LIKE REJECTION

Are you disappointed yet again? Are you feeling hurt and rejected?
Do you take it personally? Yep.

So what to do about it? Clearly subtle hints are not working.
Obvious hints are not working so well either.

Saying clearly what you yearn for will get results. Most folks
appreciate being educated to what their partner wants. Then they
don't have to guess.

Try out something like this: 'Here's what I'd like most on
Valentines Day. I'd like a card, some flowers and going out to
dinner with you at our special restaurant.'

You CAN make this Valentines Day a success by avoiding
disappointments and hurt feelings.

Here are my classic getting-through-Valentines-Day success tips:

5. 7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentines Day

If you are part of a couple:

1. Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetheart will
readyour mind. Be direct, communicating clearly what you yearn for.

2. Keep your Valentines expectations realistic and do-able.
Otherwise, it's a set-up for disappointment.

3. Don't let the fear of buying the wrong present ruin the
occasion. Some folks even avoid celebrating Valentines Day for
fear of buying the wrong card or gift.

4. Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families
with different styles of gift giving. Can you respect your
partner's 'ways?'

5. Don't mistake 'not thinking' for 'not caring.' Your partner's
way of approaching this day may be different from yours. Try not
to feel slighted if it's 'not the way you'd do it.' This goes for
gift-giving as well.

6. Don't try too hard to be 'creative' in YOUR gift giving. Just
be you expressing your appreciation of your partner. On the other
hand, a little planning is a great idea so Valentines Day doesn't
seem like an 'afterthought.'

7. AND don't take it personally. Dwelling on it takes up way too
much energy and relationship space. Make room instead for
connection and intimacy.

If you are unattached:

1. Spend the day loving YOU. You are worth it!

2. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to YOUR favorite
flowers.

3. Treat yourself to that little gift you've been hankering for.

4. Take yourself to lunch or dinner.

5. Allow appreciation for the people you are lucky enough to love
in your little corner of the world.

6. Allow gratitude for the people who care about you.

7. Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in
giving and receiving love, perhaps spreading your light in a
wider arc than just your little corner of the world.

This year I followed some of my own advice from this list. I took
really good care of myself.
And it felt great!

. . . . And on a personal note:

I'm grateful for Burt being in my life the last 4 years and 4
months. (He could tell you exactly how many days, but I've never
been very good at math.) Burt has taught me to expect to be loved.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

Until next time,
Elayne

© 2008  Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Thanksgiving Gatherings - Giving Gratitude or 'Attitude'

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
November, 2007

Welcome to the 13th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM)

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Thanksgiving Gatherings - Giving Gratitude or 'Attitude'
2, Pass The Rejection, Please
3. Talking To The Turkeys At The Table
4. Excuse Me . . ."
5. Opt-In To Time-Outs
6. This Feeling Is Too Hot To Handle
7. Thanks for the Opportunity
8. Contacting Elayne
9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. THANKSGIVING GATHERINGS - GRATITUDE OR 'ATTITUDE'
     By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

And here comes Thanksgiving. For some it's a holiday of conflicting feelings  —  clashing and banging against each other. 

There may be a part of you that looks forward to this holiday. After all,
Thanksgiving offers an invitation to show gratitude and appreciation
for the amazing people and experiences in your life. And, too, this
holiday gives permission to appreciate YOU —  for who you are and
what you have become. And perhaps for what you have overcome.

Thanksgiving provides us with the venue to be appreciative.

However, there may also be a part of you that has some uneasiness
with this holiday. The part of you that stresses about planning or
preparing or serving. The part of you that dreads dealing with the
'attitudes' of annoying or disgusting relatives.

2. PASS THE REJECTION, PLEASE

Holiday get-togethers can lead to tense moments, especially in
these stressful times.

By the time Thanksgiving arrives, we're thoroughly indoctrinated
by the commercials. We even begin to believe those ads. We begin
dreaming of a  Norman Rockwell kind of Thanksgiving family
gathering.

Each year you find yourself crossing your fingers and hoping it's
going to be different from past experiences.
Are you disappointed yet again?
Does someone say or do something that ruins everything for you? 

Before your eyes, the scene turns into Theatre of the Absurd.

One minute the family is getting along like a Rockwell painting and
the next minute they’re at each other’s throats, because someone
said or did the "wrong" thing. Some one copped an 'attitude,' or was
too judgmental, or critical or dismissive or condescending. And
someone takes something personally.

Any way you slice it, these disappointments feel like a big dose of
rejection.

3. TALKING TO THE TURKEYS AT THE TABLE

How can you make sure your holiday gatherings don't  end up in
battles, choosing sides, and hurt feelings?

Here are some tips for getting through the Holidays:

* Mom is doing her Queen of the Kitchen number. She insists on
using her salad dressing even though you made a perfectly lovely
one. It's almost comical.

- Why not appreciate the HUMOR in the situation, and laugh it off.
- Remind yourself, "Mom's being her Mom-self."

Mom's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

* Uncle Alex is baiting you again with his political rants. He pulls
you in every time. You're embarrassed to find yourself raising your
voice to make your point.

- Don't bite the bait. Avoid the fish and the fisherman routine.
- Be direct. Say "'Uncle Alex, I can see you feel strongly about
your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss
this subject.'" 

Uncle Alex's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

* Aunt Sally's unrelenting teasing makes you uncomfortable and
self-conscious. She's done this ever since you can remember. She
sees your discomfort and goes full steam ahead. "You always were too
sensitive," she bellows. You want to crawl under the table and
disappear.

- This is a good time for a deep breath. Maybe several.  Breathing
slowly ten times will usually help to take the charge off of the
situation.

- By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.
- And if you make an effort to thank Aunt Sally when she shows even
the slightest interest in you, it reinforces the positive behavior.
Maybe she'll even have something nice to say to you again sometime.

Aunt Sally's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

* Dad is drinking too much again. He’s making comments loudly under
his breath about your weight. It's so humiliating. What do you do?

- Remember you have CHOICES now. When Dad teased you when you were
small, you didn't know how to consider choices.
- Now you can remind yourself you don’t have to stay there and take it. You can
leave the room gracefully go into the kitchen and get a glass of water
while you regain your composure.

- Having a talk with him about it in a sober moment will be more
effective than trying to talk to him at the table.

Dad's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

4. "EXCUSE ME . . ."

Let's look at some effective ways of taking care of yourself.

- Excuse yourself in the living room: Before dinner, if someone
acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen
and get a drink of water or replenish the appetizer tray.

-  Excuse yourself in the dinner table, you can always say a
simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close
the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I
want to handle this? What is my plan of action  here?”

- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can LIKE
OR APPRECIATE about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of
shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate
that feature. When a person sees RESPECT in your eyes, he or she
is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.

5. OPT-IN TO TIME-OUTS

Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to
regain your composure. These are all examples of taking TIME-OUTS.

Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives.
Consider renting a car. This “time-out” lets you BE INDEPENDENT
about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay
if you need to escape from the stress of family. You can also take
long walks or visit old friends or old haunts.

The bottom line is: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!
Remember: actions that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not
about you. People project their own uncomfortable characteristics
onto you. Often these are blind spots and they're not aware of
doing it.

For example, let's go back to the dinner table and Aunt Sally.
When she sees how embarrassed you are by her teasing and says,
"You always were too sensitive," she's most likely talking about
herself.

In fact, Mom  later recalls, "When we were growing up, Sally
always took things personally!"

6. THIS FEELING IS TOO HOT TO HANDLE

Sometimes a thought or feeling is too hot to handle. Because 
it causes discomfort or anxiety we might fling it toward
another person. This projection onto others is usually not
part of our awareness.

In BREATHING ROOM (New Harbinger) I describe projection:
"Projection is when you mistakenly imagine certain traits
exist in the other person when you cannot acknowledge them
in yourself. This is because they are emotionally unacceptable.
In other words, features that you attribute to (others) are
actually disowned parts of yourself.

It’s like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space —
for safekeeping.

People deal with all kinds of unacknowledged feelings including
anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness,
vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency."

Projection also involves confusion about personal boundaries. I
describe how this works in BREATHING ROOM:

"When you get right down to it, confusion about personal
boundaries causes big problems in relationships. Having good
personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our
personal space is unique and separate from the personal space
of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person
begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."

And because many of you have made the request, there will be
more about Personal Boundaries and Projection in future e-letters.

By the way, there's a terrific new book on how to harness the power of gratitude: 'FOCUS ON THE GOOD STUFF - The Power of Appreciation' by Mike Robbins.

7. THANKS FOR THE OPPORTUNITY

Thanksgiving offers a unique opportunity. Consider how on this one
day a year it's perfectly OK to tell people we appreciate

them. For many of us, acknowledging appreciation isn't easy.
Sometimes it  helps to have a reason. Thanks, Thanksgiving
for providing a reason.

Happy Thanksgiving.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Pilgrimage to a DC-3 - The Voices of My Ancestors Whisper to My Granddaughter

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
October, 2007

Welcome to the 12th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM)

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Pilgrimage to a DC-3 - The Voices of My Ancestors Whisper to
     My Granddaughter
2, Poof. They Were Gone
3. Wrapped in Silence
4. Making Grief Real
5. "There Are All Your Ancestors resting snugly in Your DNA . . ."
6. Baby Cora and the DC-3
7. Contacting Elayne
8. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. PILGRIMAGE TO A DC-3 - THE VOICES OF MY ANCESTORS
    WHISPER TO MY GRANDDAUGHTER
    By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

What a moving experience it was holding my new granddaughter in
my arms. Whenever she'd open those big eyes it seemed she was
connecting with my soul. And I was connecting to hers as well.

As I looked into her eyes, I was looking into the past, present
and future at the same time. I was recognizing the importance of
this newest female member of my linage.

2. POOF. THEY WERE GONE

I'm trying to put words to how much it means to me that this
baby is a girl. Her arrival in the world symbolizes the next
generation of female lineage. A continuation of a broken line
of women.

The women of the two generations before me, my mother and grandmother, were wiped out in an instant in a plane crash. They were aboard
a Braniff DC-3 that crashed into a corn field near Mason City, Iowa over 
50 years ago. Poof. They were both gone. Two generations of 
female role models. Two generations of nurturing. Two generations
of support. And two generations of storytelling.

I missed out on being able to sit at their feet and hear
their stories. Stories about the Cossack soldiers ravaging
their village.  Stories about what it was like to travel
through China by rickshaw. Stories about being quarantined
on Angel Island for 3 months.  Stories about building a new
life in Omaha. Stories about their experiences in raising
children.

Over the years there have been many questions unformed and
many questions unanswered. Yes, I have missed all of those
untold stories.

3. GRIEF WRAPPED IN SILENCE

The aftermath of that plane crash was handled badly by my family.
This very public loss caused a city to mourn, yet my brother Lee and I
were not allowed to grieve either publicly or privately.

Everything was wrapped in silence. The newspaper articles
and crash scene pictures were hidden from us. We didn't attend
the funeral. We weren't allowed to talk about my mother.

My Dad removed all photos of her from the house. We thought
he'd thrown them out, but after he died my brother found the
albums tucked away in the back of the highest shelf of Dad's
closet. He'd moved with them 4 times, yet we never knew they
existed. It's nice to have them back.

Lee and I were able to do some grieving five years later when
another plane crash into a corn field made headlines. Buddy Holly,
J.P. (Big Bopper) Richardson and Richie Valens were killed. The
crashes were only a few miles apart outside of Mason City, Iowa.

Yes, I've worked on these losses for many years in therapy. Yet there
always seemed to be something missing.

A few years ago something fortuitous happened. After presenting
a one-day training program several miles from my home, I decided
to stay the night at a local Bed and Breakfast. Intuitively I told the
B&B owner the story of the plane crash. It turns out he is a grief
counselor.

He presented me with the missing piece: to grieve a loss and move
on, we need to make the loss real.

Yes, of course. That's what was missing. The deaths of my
mother and grandmother were never made real. 

4. MAKING GRIEF REAL

One day I woke up knowing what to do. I must visit a DC-3.

For several years I fantasized about locating and visiting a
DC-3. One I could visit without other people around. I wanted
some time to myself on the plane.

(Telling the richly detailed story of the DC-3 has become part of my
professional speaking programs. Some of you may have been
in my audience and heard this story before. I'm including a few
selective descriptions of my pilgrimage. I've chosen these
because they are related to carrying on the female legacy which
Miss Cora symbolizes for me.)

Early last year I gathered the courage to track down a restored
DC-3.  Making the actual arrangements to visit the plane came
about from a confluence of many happenings.

Lots of serendipity is involved - a chance conversation with a
fellow professional speaker who is a pilot, the support of my
boyfriend, Burt, who encouraged me to follow through with the
phone call that eventually led to making the appointment to
visit the plane.

Matt, the Operations Manager at the Santa Monica airport pointed
me to a restored plane at the Van Nuys Airport. It is the private plane
of a major Southern California Aviation figure, Clay Lacy.

I took a deep breath and called. The receptionist told me
"Oh no you can't visit this plane. This is Mr. Lacy's private plane." 

I took another deep breath. I wasn't going to be deterred.
I persisted, told my story and asked to speak to a decision
maker. Mr. Lacy's personal assistant called back the next
day: "Mr. Lacy would be pleased to have you visit his plane!"
Burt went with me as witness. We were escorted from the
office to the plane which was on the tarmac. (But my experience
of the plane is another story.)

By way of preparing for this pilgrimage I contacted a few
friends and a listserve of therapist colleagues asking for
support and suggestions of rituals I might do on the plane.

It was a big step for me to reach out publicly. I'm glad I did.
I felt I was being cradled in the strong and comforting arms
of a caring community. 

My time on the plane was an amazing event.

I was able to stay present and to experience the moments on
a cellular, energetic level.

I was able to imagine my mother and grandmother beside me
on the plane. I could imagine talking with them, especially
with my mother.

I could feel myself reconnecting with her in a new way.

I could ask questions and receive answers.

I could laugh again with my mother, sharing some memories.

I could also tell her about my life, my disappointments and
my successes.

One of the reasons I wanted to visit a DC-3 was to be able
to release the shackles that have constrained me for so many
years. When I was sitting on the plane I could feel the chains
falling away. I could feel myself rebalancing and realigning.

I was able to achieve the healing and liberation I've missed out on
for so many years.

A couple of years ago someone made me a beautiful blue felt pouch,
decorated with lace and leather and shells.
I'd never used the pouch because it was so lovely, so special. 
As I contemplated my pilgrimage, I realized this pouch was waiting
for just the right time to be the guardian of something very precious.

I put into the pouch photos of my mother and grandmother.
Photos of myself and my brother Lee as we grew up.
Photos of my daughter Jocelyn.

Then I imagined putting the essence of my mother and grandmother
into the pouch, and I carried their spirits onto the plane with me.

In retrospect I believe the conversations, phone calls and
arrangements for the pilgrimage came to pass because I had just
learned my daughter was expecting a baby. 

5. "THERE ARE ALL YOUR ANCESTORS RESTING SNUGLY
     IN YOUR DNA . . ."

One of the therapists who responded to my request sent me this
quote which I also put into the blue pouch to carry with me on the
DC-3. 

I re-read the words on that piece of paper many times in the hour I
spent on the plane:

"But when we take the time to really give thanks to our ancestors,
we place them in their proper context, granting them neither more
nor less than their due.
We are able to use the lessons they have taught us - even
if by negative example - and move beyond their legacy to
claim our rightful place in the world.

Dawna Markova says, "Look in the palm of your hand.
Thich Nhat Hanh would say that if you look deeply
enough, you'll never be lonely. Each cell of your hand is made
from genetic material passed on to you from your mother and father.
Whether you adored or despised them, there they are in the palm
of your hand. If you look a little deeper, you'll see your grandfathers
and grandmothers.

Deeper still, and there are all your ancestors resting snugly in your
DNA . . .
Can you hear them whispering in your ear,
'Maybe this is the one who will carry our dreams into the world,
    maybe this is the one who will move beyond the
    limitations that have held us back and carry our dreams
    into the world.'"
               -- From Attitudes of Gratitude by Mary Jane Ryan

6. BABY CORA AND THE DC-3

Just after Cora was born, I corresponded with my cousin
Dr. Steve Raskin. Intuitively I decided to send him the
above quote about DNA. Steve emailed back with this
"little biology lesson." He reminded me that there
are two kinds of DNA in cells. One is  "nuclear DNA which
exists in chromosomes and are subject to recombination over
the generations, resulting in the complexity of human variation.

But there is some other DNA in the cell known as
"mitochondrial" DNA that exists in the cytoplasm
OUTSIDE the cell nucleus. The mitochondria are passed
completely from mother to daughter and that DNA
does not take part in any recombination. 

You are the bearer of your mother's and her mother's
mitochondria (and mitochondrial DNA), just as Jocelyn
and - now - Cora are also. You might get a good feeling
knowing that tiny little pieces of your mother are part
of your granddaughter."

So in this communication with a cousin I haven't seen in
over 30 years, I came to realize why holding this little
girl was such a spiritual experience for me. Cora is more
connected to my mother and my grandmother than I ever
realized. 

Had I known this baby was to be a girl at the time I
made the pilgrimage, my experience on the plane would
have been even more powerful. For too many years I let
the accident define me. I was frozen in the drama of
the 12-year-old child.

On the plane I was able to visualize the chains falling
away. I was able to see my experience as the ending of
something and the beginning of something else.

I began to understand that I don't have to be a hurt,
scared child any longer. I recognize that my inherited
potential is unimpeded by the tragedies of the past. I
CAN fly - even soar.

Now I'm the grandmother, Jocelyn is the mother and baby
Cora is the child. 

I can hear the ancestors whispering in my ear and in
Jocelyn's ear and in Cora's ear:    
"Maybe this is the one who will carry our
    dreams into the world,
    maybe this is the one who will move beyond the
    limitations that have held us back and carry our
    dreams into the world"

© 2007 Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION™
July, 2007

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships
2. Hot Buttons, Hot Seats, Hot Heads
3. Regarding Respect, Appreciation and Persuasion
4. Tasks and Teamwork
5. The Dance of the Over-functioner and the Under-functioner
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. COZYING TO TEAMWORK - A KEY TO SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS
   By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Recent headlines certainly caught my attention:
"Key to a Good Marriage? Share Housework"

Some were surprised at the high ranking of 'Shared household
chores' for a successful marriage in the Pew Research Center's
survey. It showed the sharpest rise in importance of all the
identified items (62% in 2007 from 47% in their 1990 survey.)

(Here's the list:  faithfulness, a happy sexual relationship,
sharing household chores, adequate income, good housing, shared
religious beliefs, shared tastes and interests, children, and
agreement in politics.)
http://pewresearch.org/pubs/526/marriage-parenthood

It doesn't surprise me to read about this emphasis on sharing
household chores. As a communication coach for 25 years, I've
heard hundreds of resentful couples complain about the inequality
of chores:

"He has to be asked to do every little thing."
"He conveniently forgets to empty the trash (mop the floor,
  set the table, clean the bathroom, put down the toilet seat.)"
"She never wipes down the shower."
"She never turns out the lights."
"He thinks he's doing me a big favor to cook dinner, but uses
  every pot in the kitchen and leaves them for me to wash!"

Do any of these sound familiar?
Does it sometimes seem intentional or even spiteful?
Do you take it personally?

2. HOT BUTTONS, HOT SEATS, HOT HEADS

Yes, often someone feels disrespected or discounted or disdained
or any of those other 'dis' words I describe in previous
e-letters.

Taking something personally is connected to feeling rejected and
feeling rejected means feeling 'dissed' in some way.


And what do you get? Lots of misunderstandings and hurt feelings
leading to anger and resentment.

Take a quiet, non-emotional moment to look at it. Perhaps you
can acknowledge the other person's action (or non-action) may
not be intentional. Although it seemed like it at the time, their
words or look or tone of voice may not be meant to hurt you

You can even remind yourself, as I write in DON'T TAKE IT
PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION, that
"Not thinking' doesn't mean 'not caring." Sometimes people just
don't think the same way as we do.

No question that household chores are a hot button topic for many
couples. So hot in fact, that discussions heat up, accusations
sizzle, and tempers flare.

So what to do about it?

In my work with couples I discovered an idea that works.  Why 
not reframe 'sharing household chores' to 'working in the spirit
of teamwork.'

The framework of 'teamwork' puts a different slant on the issue.

In the Spirit of Teamwork

In my work with couples, I encourage them to roll up their
sleeves, put their heads together and come up with some creative
ideas for getting things done. We look at it in the spirit of
teamwork and cooperation.

Then we take a good look at how teamwork can enhance the
relationship.

- What does teamwork mean to each one?
- What does it mean to be 'a good team player'? 
- What are their goals? Individual and together?
- What are their expected outcomes?
- What are their challenges?
- How can they work together effectively? What situations work
  best? What might get in their way?
- Are they communicating clearly?

We then explore the ways teamwork already exists in their
relationship. Then we look for ways to enhance what is already
there.

We look for a way or two that they are already a good team. Maybe
one helps with the other's business, or is supportive of projects
and endeavors.  Maybe they're a great team at planning parties or
meals or trips. Maybe they even travel well together. Or share
parenting decisions or functions.

- Can they identify the areas in which they are already a
   good team?
- Can they employ teamwork and/or team building skills learned
   in professional areas of their lives?
- Can they take these personal and professional skills and
   transfer them to a new area that needs some good teamwork ? 
For example, sharing household chores?

In BREATHING ROOM - CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE (New Harbinger)
I suggest three important ingredients for a connected and intimate
relationship:

- Ability to give and accept respect
- Capacity for self-disclosure, including the ability to be
   sincere, honest, and authentic, and to show vulnerability
   and trust
- Capability for 'teamwork' in the partnership.

Then I provide a definition of teamwork: "Providing support and
satisfactions for each other in mutually fulfilling ways . . . .
This collaboration includes flexibility, willingness to resolve
conflicts, the ability to work and play together, and consideration
of the needs and goals of your partner."

http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

Teamwork in personal and professional relationships

Good teamwork skills exist in both personal and professional
relationships:

- recognizing each other's strong points
- valuing and respecting each other
- agreeing to fully participate
- working together cooperatively
- identifying how each person is part of something larger
   than him or herself
- understanding how each one fits into the bigger picture

3. REGARDING RESPECT, APPRECIATION AND PERSUASION

RESPECT is a key ingredient here.

By respecting ourselves, we can ask directly for what we need and
want in the way of cooperation from the other person.

By speaking respectfully to the other person, you increase the
chances for successful teamwork.

APPRECIATION is important too.

Sometimes it's the small considerations and kindnesses that our
partner does. These could be meaningful if only we would notice
them and give appreciation. "Thank you" goes a long way toward
developing connection. However, first you have to notice.

Successful teamwork depends on developing
EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS:

- Listening to each other's ideas and concerns
- Respectful Questioning
- Respectful Persuading when appropriate
- Clear, unambiguous communication

Many of us grew up with confusing and even crazy-making
communication models. Maybe people said one thing and seemed
to mean another. Maybe things just didn't get said, only hinted
at.  Maybe we were expected to somehow read someone's mind.

Yes, it is a struggle for many of us to communicate clearly and
directly with another person. It is not easy to say what we mean
and to make sure the other person is hearing and understanding us.

PERSUASION AND NEGOTIATING SKILLS
And when it's time to be persuasive and negotiate agreements,
here are some tips:

- Be direct. Ask for what works best for you. If you don't ask, the
   answer is always 'no.'

- Be direct. Turn complaints into clear statements of what you
  really yearn for. Under every act of complaining is a yearning
  for something to be different. Your job is to know what that
  something is.

- Be direct. Don't cross your fingers and hope that the other person
  will read your mind. You'll only be disappointed.

Learning to be direct gives you a ticket to success. I believe the
many inquiries I receive about my communication coaching reflect
the optimism out there. Folks seem optimistic that communicating
clearly and directly is do-able with a little coaching and a lot
of practice.

I really believe that folks are aware that good communication is
the foundation of good teamwork.
And good teamwork is the foundation of successful work and
personal relationships. And they'll do what it takes to achieve this
success in their personal and professional lives.

4. TASKS AND TEAMWORK

Now that we've explored teamwork, let's take a look at tasks.

What does sharing household chores mean? 

Couples use different styles of doing chores and what works for
one couple may not work for another:

1- Overly defined assignments with no space for flexibility.
2- Occasional chore rotations.
3- No definitions for chores. Someone sees something needs to be
    done, and steps in and does it.
4- Chores don't get done.

Let's take a look at how these styles of doing chores can affect
the relationship.


Overly Defined Assignments Leave No Space for Flexibility

Some couples have task assignments, but if one of them is
unhappy about doing certain chores, there is not room for
discussion.

Here's a common complaint: "I agreed to carry out the trash every
day, and I honestly thought it was an OK chore.  But now I'm tired
of it, I find I'm forgetting to do it, and my partner gets upset
with me."

Consider this idea from BREATHING ROOM: "Each person
has strong points that they bring to the relationship. For example,
how do  couples decide who cooks, or does the dishes, cleans the 
toilet bowl, vacuums, or takes out the trash? Some couples decide
who does what chores by stating preferences. For example, 'I like
this one, and I don’t like to do that one.'"

Chore Rotation to the Rescue!

Maybe it's time for a change of task assignment. Occasional
rotation can be a good thing. Does it HAVE to be written in
concrete just because an agreement was once made?  A little
flexibility might save your relationship from unnecessary
stresses.

Can you allow space for your partner to say, "I don't want
to do this chore for a while (or ever)?
Can you communicate your own distaste for a certain chore
to your partner?

Lack of Definition Makes It Very Hit or Miss

Some couples don't have assigned chores. One or the other
steps in and does what has to be done. But it often feels
uneven and unfair.  It's a fertile place for resentment
to grow. And grow.

5. THE DANCE OF THE OVER-FUNCTIONER AND THE UNDER-FUNCTIONER

Resentment especially grows when one person is an
over-functioner and the other is an under-functioner.
Couples often borrow, lend, or trade the ability to
function within the relationship.

Again from BREATHING ROOM: "In order to feel needed and
more useful, the overadequate partner may need the partner
to feel less than competent. This desire is frequently
related to a need to control things, to feel effective
adequate and worthwhile.

"It’s most likely similar to the old childhood job
description: “the responsible one,” or “the capable one,”
or the “good boy or girl.” Did you grow up being the one
everyone depended on? Did you prop people up? Were you sure
things would fall apart if you didn’t take charge . . . ."

This 'caretaker' identity that you created for yourself gave
you self-worth. If you don't hold on to it, would you feel
lost without it?

Or maybe you were the one on the inadequate end.  Maybe your
childhood identity card is stamped: inept, incapacitated,
incapable, inconsequential, incompetent, ineffective, inadequate,
invalidated, invisible, or inferior. Some of us carry quite a
few of these imprints.

Perhaps instead of independence, you acquired a kind of learned
helplessness. You did, however learn to under-function. If no one
expects you to remember things or to take care of business, you
probably won’t.

It's quite amazing how couples seem to find each other. The one
who needs to take over seems to find someone who needs to
have someone take over.

This is an example of 'borrowed' functioning. Both the
over-functioner and the under-functioner feel resentful. The
over-functioner feels resentful because he or she feels way
too depended on. The under-functioner resents feeling so
dependent.

By the way, many of the above circumstances and tips apply to
teamwork in both work and personal situations.
For more on Workplace Teamwork tips see Craig Harrison's
www.Expressions of Excellence.com article:  http://tinyurl.com/ysyn6v

Why not experiment with relationship success? Try bringing some
teamwork into both your personal and professional life.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.