Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

Can You Still Be Friends? 7 Tips for Healing From a Relationship Breakup

By Elayne Savage, PhD

It must be the season for relationship breakups! Between Valentine's Day and now I've been receiving more emails than usual about the subject.

It's interesting that folks are asking how to navigate a specific kind of breakup: when the person is not just your partner, but also your best friend.

Here are some of the reflections and concerns communicated to me in the emails  .....

This is the person you could tell anything to, the one you feel so connected with, the one you could share and express your thoughts openly and honestly. You invited them into your sacred space, and you were welcomed into theirs.

They were such a comfort to you, and then, for whatever reason, the relationship evaporates.

Perhaps one of you fell 'out of love.' Or you asked, "Is this all there is?" Or maybe you are love each other deeply, but for whatever reason, the relationship just can't work.

Should You Even Try to Salvage the Friendship?

The question the emailers are asking is: "How can I salvage the friendship part?" Or "Should I even try?"

Too often people try to hang onto a relationship because it feels comfortable. And they stay too long because they are afraid of being lonely. 

Sometimes breakups are by mutual agreement. Other times someone feels rejected and would probably have a long way to go before the continuation of the friendship is possible. It's hard not to think: "You rejected me and now you want to be my friend. Good luck!"

There are no cookie cutter answers here. We each have our own sensitivities and capabilities. The important thing is to take good care of yourself and do what feels right to you. (More about loving and honoring yourself below.)

After you decide to part ways, those talks that were such an important part of your life become excruciatingly difficult.  How do you continue to share details of your day the way you used to? Or plan together for an upcoming event? Or discuss unsettling world news? Or confide your concerns about work or your fears about health issues ?

And the one thing you really want them to comfort you about is the very thing you can't talk to them about: the immense hurt and sadness and loss you feel about your breakup.

You want to turn to them for comforting, but they can't be there in the same way. They are no longer available to have intimate conversations with. To confide in. To pour out your heart and soul to. To cry with. 

What a Lonely Feeling . . .

You so much want to pick up the phone or email or text them to share your experiences and your concerns and your fears. And you can't. Perhaps you both made an agreement to not have contact for a while. Until healing can take place. Until it does't hurt so much. Until you feel whole again.

I've struggled with similar experiences myself. More than once. It is painful and lonely.

I remember more than anything wanting to be held and comforted. And yes, especially wanting them to comfort me about the pain of the breakup.

How can the person you need to be comforted about comfort you?

This gigantic sense of loss can occur in many situations: breaking off a romantic relationship or a business relationship or a friendship, or when someone dies. Leaving a business relationship or long-time friendship can feel like a divorce. Any relationship where there is dovetailing of minds, of ideas, of dreams, of passions can break your heart and leave a huge gaping hole when it ends.

The lover or friend that you took so for granted is no longer available. I wonder which is more painful: a gentle parting of ways on good terms or a dramatic, angry breakup.

What a huge hole it leaves in your heart and your soul. And what a long time it can take to heal. It might take months. Or even years.

And what about you? Have you ever faced the question of whether to try to be friends? How have you handled breakups in the past? Did you feel you had to cut everything off? Did you attempt to stay friends? Did you even want to? If you tried, how long did it take before you could make that transition of moving out of one episode of life and into another?

I'd love to hear from you. You can post your thoughts on the outlined comment box below.

How do we Uncouple and become whole again?
Here are 7 Tips for Healing 

• Give Time a Chance
Hopefully life experiences teach us that things can and do get better. Time is an extraordinary healer. If only we could try not to rush the process and let time do it's thing.

• Closure is Critical
Ask yourself what you need to have closure. It's different for each person. Just make sure you're clear about the reason for the breakup whether you initiated it or your partner did. No room for generalities here. Have a conversation that is direct and specific.

• Loving and Nurturing Yourself
Self-love and self-acceptance have to be an inside job! To love yourself you have to know and accept yourself. This means recognizing your blind spots, owning both your strengths and weaknesses, and acknowledging your “shadow” side. Including those child-like parts that may pop up too often.

It means accepting yourself without judgments. Dispensing with the ‘shoulds’ and ‘oughts,’ and any over-concern about what others think. It helps me to repeat, "I am perfect as I am and as I am not."

And by the way, becoming authentic with yourself lets you extend this self-intimacy to other relationships.

You could show love for yourself by treating yourself to a nice dinner, special flowers. soothing music - anything that brings happiness to you and connects you to your world.

And just as important (or maybe even more so) can you let others love and nurture you? Can you allow others to support you through your healing? Can you talk to a friend? This might be a good time for supportive therapy or counseling.

• Self-soothing
Self-soothing is connected to Loving Yourself, but I think it warrants a spot of it's own here. Self-soothing is a way to tap into your needs and resources by quieting yourself.

One way to calm yourself is through repetition of movement which has an auto hypnotic effect. You may already be doing it without even knowing. Do you ever find yourself touching or rubbing your hand, arm, shoulder, chin, or hair? You may have dismissed this repetitive touching as “just a nervous thing I do” but it is, in fact, a creative way of calming yourself.

Next time you find yourself stroking your hair or your shoulder or your knuckles, try doing more of it and notice how well you are making space for yourself.

(The ideas expressed here on intimacy with yourself and self-soothing are based on excerpts from 'Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple' a book for both singles and couples)
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

My friend and colleague, blogger Allen L. Roland, Ph.D. writes: "The basic underlying and uniting force of the universe is a psychic energy field of love and soul consciousness (the Unified Field) which lies not only beyond time and space but ALSO beneath our deepest fears." - Allen L. Roland, Ph.D.

• Releasing Tension
The healing touch of massage is soothing. If you happen to live near a massage training school, you can get massages for very low fee. My rule is to never talk on the massage table - it tightens me up and interferes with relaxation.

The release of endorphins that comes from exercise elevates your mood. My favorite healing exercise is walking at a fairly fast pace and noticing and breathing in the colors around me.

Yoga and Meditation also bring on a feeling of wellbeing. In the alpha state, mental and physical relaxation lead to changes in brain waves and the release of endorphins.

Being mindful of your thoughts and feelings, watching them come and go, is another way to heal.

• Balancing Negativity with Gratitude and Appreciation
Try to balance any negative thoughts and feelings with remembering the good times you had together. Focus on their qualities and magnificence. Are you able to hold on to those memories and keep them in a container where they can coexist alongside the negative feelings? 

• Letting Go
I believe that whatever happens, happens for a reason. I'd like to share with you the Four Principles of Spirituality. I have a PowerPoint version I watch each time I need a reminder.

The Four Principles of Spirituality

1st Principle:
“Whomever you encounter is the right one”
This means that no one comes into our life by chance. Everyone who is around us, anyone with whom we interact, represents something whether to teach us something or to help us improve a situation.

2nd Principle:
“Whatever happened is the only thing that could have happened”
Absolutely nothing of that which we experience could have been any other way. Not even in the least important detail. There is no “if only I had done that differently… Then it would have been different”. No, what happened is the only thing that could have taken place and must have take place for us to learn a lesson in order to move forward. Every situation in life which we encounter is absolutely perfect, even when it defies our understanding and our ego.

3rd Principle:
“Each moment in which something begins is the right moment”
Everything begins at exactly the right moment, neither earlier nor later. When we are ready for it, for that something new in our life, it is there, ready to begin.

The Final Principle:
“What is over, is over”
It is that simple. When something in our life ends, it helps our evolution. That is why, enriched by the recent experience, it is better to let go and move on.

Whatever your loss may be, I wish for you Healing, Harmony and Regeneration ....

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

What's Going to Happen to Me? Facing and Overcoming Fear

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Fear is in the air and it’s contagious. Like a bad cold or a mean flu.

Fear can be debilitating. The worry, apprehension and anxiety brings on a stuck place, a kind of paralysis.
 
It’s difficult to think clearly or act decisively. And to complicate matters, it’s hard to escape the hourly fueling and fanning of fear by the media and politicians.
 
There is something else in the air as well - helplessness and uncertainty. When these powerful, responses are rooted in early experiences, a child-like fright can take over. We start re-experiencing those times when we were young and terrified and helpless. Like waking up from a bad nightmare.
 
And a small voice asks, “What’s going to happen to me?”
 
Let’s put this overwhelm in perspective:
How you are affected by outside events
Why you are debilitated to this degree
What steps you can take to overcome the fear
 
Looking at Loss
As a workplace coach and family therapist, each day brings more stories about the economy’s impact on us. Tensions are great. Stress is rampant. Relationships are incredibly strained.
 
People feel helpless, insecure and frightened.
 
The connecting theme in these experiences is Loss. Losing a job not only means loss of income. It brings along loss of routine, loss of independence, loss of respect, and loss of identity. Losing a home or savings fosters loss of security and loss of well-being and loss of a dream. And for some, the loss of hope.
 
And the small voice asks, “What’s going to happen to me?”
 
Facing and navigating loss is even more complicated when it reminds you of painful losses from early years. A pet dies. A childhood friend moves away. You move away – to another school across town or across the country. An older brother or sister goes off to college, leaving a void in your world.
 
Early loss takes other forms as well. Separation or divorce. Serious illness. Someone you love dies.
 
Any of these losses can feel like abandonment. And abandonment is the most profound rejection of all.
 
Our cumulative experiences affect how we cope with present day losses.
Each new loss in the present can bring up losses from the past. Even though they seem long ago and forgotten, they still pack a wallop.
 
Disappointments
Disappointments are loss, too. Most of us as children felt disappointed in someone or something.
 
Maybe someone made a promise they didn’t keep. Or you didn’t get that special present. Or you had your hopes pinned on an ‘A.’ Or you found out you couldn’t count on someone you trusted.
 
As we grow up each new disappointment reminds us of past experiences. Who hasn’t believed exaggerated promises or engaged in some wishful thinking? Or put someone on a pedestal, only to watch them stumble and tumble?
 
There’s a fine line between hopeful positive thinking and unrealistic expectations. Reality can be a hard landing place.
 
Unrealistic expectations are setups for disappointment, disillusionment, and resentment. And when we’re too invested in a certain outcome, we tend to take disappointment personally.
 
That’s when disappointment feels like rejection.
 
Loss Of Trust
Have you ever struggled with loss of trust, Including powerful feelings of disloyalty and betrayal? Can you see how losing a job might feel unfair? Or disloyal? When your employer promises security and you trust this, it feels like a betrayal when the job evaporates.
 
The extent of your reaction to loss of a job or a promised project might be influenced by your past experiences with trust, unfairness, disloyalty or betrayal.
 
Trust is fragile. When it is violated, it is difficult to restore.
 
Loss of Identity
Layoffs and forced early retirement are common occurrences these days. These sudden shifts in structured time leave large holes in normal routines. We feel lost.
 
Losing employment can bring on loss of identity. Work is a touchstone for how you think of yourself. Losing this identity throws you off-kilter. How to fill this void creates quite a challenge.
 
Loss Feels Like Rejection
Each of these losses and disappointments can feel like rejection or self-rejection. Rejection is feeling “dissed” in some way: disrespected, dismissed, discarded, dispensable, discounted, disenfranchised or dishonored.
 
When you feel wounded at such a deep place, it’s hard not to take the hurt personally.
 
When we take something personally, we see ourselves as a target, perceiving someone’s actions as a personal affront. We feel slighted, or wronged, or attacked. Then we begin to question our self-worth and go to a self-rejecting place. All too often we give up our power to the person or situation that causes us to feel hurt.
 
Each of these losses incubates fear and apprehension. What a lonely feeling fear can be. You may want to retreat, lick your wounds and suffer in silence. You might find it difficult to reach out and connect to others. And yet, reaching out and building relationships is one of the best ways to take care of yourself at times like these.
 
Reaching Out
Can you talk to a partner or friend? A spiritual leader or teacher? What about a counselor, coach or psychotherapist? Social networking or on-line forums can work, too.
 
Can you put words to your worries and fears? Write them down, and then read them out loud. At least to yourself. Hearing the sound of the words makes a difference.
 
If we don’t talk out our feelings, we act them out.
 
Acting Out
Acting out is a common way of releasing tension. It can take many forms. We're seeing a lot of anger lately. Protests, picking fights, flying into rages, antagonizing and bullying.

Some people act out by engaging in excessive behaviors - including addictive.
 
But acting out can be passive as well: foot-dragging, “yes, butting,” sulking, or giving someone the silent treatment.
 
These behaviors are ways we deal with the anxiety and pressure that build when we’re not able to put words to our feelings, worries and fears.
 
Respecting Different Coping Styles
Talking to your partner or friend is a good idea - when it works. What if you try to talk but you are disappointed by the other person’s response? What if you don’t feel heard or understood or supported?
 
We all have different styles of dealing with stress, anxiety, and fear. We learn these coping skills (or lack of them) from our family and cultural growing up experiences.
 
It’s not surprising we all have different ways of coping. After all, we grew up in different families!
 
These family ‘ways’ are passed down through the generations. As I point out in Don’t Take It Personally!, “Grandma passes down more than just her china.”
 
Unspoken fears get passed down from generation to generation as well. Chances are most of our great grandparents experienced fears around scarcity, impoverishment and loss when they immigrated to this country. These fears may have been passed along through the generations - to us.
 
Now that we are going through hard times ourselves, these heretofore dormant fears are jumping out. Scaring us. Throwing us way off-kilter.
 
Different Ways of Coping
• One person may withdraw, experiencing a kind of paralysis, while the other person mobilizes and becomes over-active.
 
• Another may cocoon, preferring alone time, while the other needs to increase their contact with others.
 
• Sometimes one is less inclined to talk about feelings and the other talks so much that it’s hard to listen anymore.
 
If either of you feels discounted, you’re most likely feeling rejected. Before you know it, someone is taking something personally. Unless you can respect each other’s styles, misunderstandings can occur. The resulting hurt feelings lead to anger and resentment.
 
Resentment takes up so much space in relationships that there’s barely room for connection. Especially in these stressful times, feeling connected is important.
 
Tips for Coping with Fear
• Give yourself permission to be afraid. These are unsettling times. However try not to cross the line into biting the ‘fear bait’ dished out by the media and politicians.
 
• Give your worst fear a name. Say it out loud. Talk it out. Hearing yourself say what you fear most can work wonders in refocusing your perspective.
 
• ‘Walk alongside yourself.’ With this mindfulness you’ll gain enough distance from the situation to see it more clearly. Try separating the “now” of the present moment from the  “then” of unpleasant childhood experiences. This frees you up from becoming overwhelmed by your feelings.
 
• This objectivity allows you to choose to make a different response. Know that your partner, friends or colleagues may deal with fear differently than you. Try not to compare.
 
• Make a plan. It provides structure, direction and reassurance.
 
• Try not to take disappointment personally. It’s an energy zapper. Even though disappointment might feel like rejection, remind yourself, “This is not about me. I can choose how much energy I give to this.”
 
Unblocking Your Energy
When you’re feeling helpless, afraid, immobilized, dazed, numbed, or stunned. When it becomes hard to think or act. Try to remember to move.
 
Move your fingers or your toes, or your body. Try to get that energy flowing.
 
Breathing In the Colors
Whenever  I find myself in a negative space, I do whatever it takes to get my energy flowing. I especially like to take a walk. Releasing those endorphins increases my feeling of well-being. While I’m walking, I breathe in the colors around me; the sky, trees, plants, flowers, structures. This keeps me present, grounded and appreciative of my world.
 
By creating options and getting the energy flowing, you won’t feel so stuck. You can tap your power and develop momentum for growing into self-acceptance and creativity.
 
Then ask yourself, “What‘s going to happen FOR me?”

 © Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne
 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
 http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more abouther speaking programs, coaching and consulting services visit

http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

 

 

Class Reunion – A Time For Reflection

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
July, 2009

 

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Class Reunion – A Time For Reflection
2. Always The Last to Know
3. Feeling Like a Freak
4. New information Rocks My World
5. New Found Appreciation
6.  Contacting Elayne
7.  Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Class Reunion – A Time For Reflection
by Elayne Savage, PhD

The prospect of a class reunion can be frightening.This isn't my first one, yet I don't remember looking so critically at myself before.

The reunions used to be held every five years. Now they are every ten. I didn't know about the first few because I was 'lost.' You see, I did not actually graduate from Omaha Central High. When my dad remarried we moved to Baltimore for my senior year.

Because I want to be like everyone else I've learned to take care of myself. I realized my name tag would be photo-less because I was not in the senior yearbook. So I scanned my Baltimore high school photo and sent it to the event planner asking them to put my photo on the tag.  They did.

Two days before boarding the plane in San Francisco I got cold feet. I honestly found myself thinking about ways I could get out of going.

I also did something I haven't done in years. I stood in front of my closet, fretting about what clothes to bring. I thought I'd outgrown that kind of indecisiveness. I've learned to trust I usually look good enough. But not this time. I kept pulling clothes from my closet and piling them on the bed. I tried on lots of outfits. Nothing looked right. I was aware of the old high school uncertainties flooding back. Yuck. I thought I had outgrown that. Guess not.

Truth be told, I was very close to changing my mind about going. It can be dangerous when we start thinking about ways to get out of something we dread doing. We might even conjure up a situation where we don’t have to follow through. But I managed to get through those last days without breaking a leg or arm. I even got to the airport on time.

I'm so glad I went. This has been an amazing, enriching experience. I cherish time with my Central High classmates.  Yet as connected as I feel during these reunion weekends, we somehow manage to not keep in touch from reunion to reunion. This is true of even my best high school friends.

As we go through life we develop notions about the world around us and the people in it.  Wow. Was this ever true for me in high school. Self-doubt took over. I took everything personally. I was the kid who was different from everyone else because I didn't have a mother. I was the poorer kid who wore my cousin's hand-me-downs.

This long reunion weekend with Omaha Central High classmates gave me the opportunity to stop seeing things from the lens of inferiority. I could begin to see the world through a different filter. I watched myself grow up over the weekend.

But not before I started to fall into the old trap of feeling 'different' and 'left out.'

Always The Last to Know

The 'left out' part crept my first day there when my older cousin said, "By the way, Barb called and invited you to the pizza party tomorrow night for the old gang."

I immediately told myself, "I guess I'm the last to know about the party. I'm an afterthought again." 

I had always felt not exactly part of that 'gang.' I felt on the periphery much of the time. (Sure, I realize now that most of us feel left out in high school. If you ask the really popular kids they will tell you the same thing.)

When I got to the restaurant I found out the party was an afterthought. It had materialized only the day before. What started out as a group of 6 people grew to a party of 35 or so.

Hmmmmmmm. Interesting, isn't it, how fast I went to that old 'left out' default position?

At each of the reunion events, the 'official' ones and the smaller private gatherings, I could see people were genuinely glad to see me. When someone remembered and shared something about me from those high school days, I could take in their words. Once in a while, someone would say, "I don't remember you," I was OK with hearing that as well. I didn't remember lots of people either.

It was great fun to reconnect with some high school classmates I remembered from 6th grade when we were in a City-wide play. Some of us car-pooled together. I remember I had a mad crush on one of the boys from those play days. Whenever I had a chance to talk with him during rehearsals or performances, I would roll my eyes back into my head. I guess I though it was cool or something. Once he asked me, "Is something wrong with your eyes?" Guess I was wrong about it being a neat, flirty thing to do. I stopped rolling them.

Three of four of us from those play days showed up for this reunion. One even came from Italy. But the fourth actor was missing. Peter Hoagland, who served in the U.S. House of Representatives from Nebraska, died almost two years ago.

I was really looking forward to seeing my friend from middle school, Rosalee. We'd ride the bus together almost every day downtown to Central. She'd be already there always sitting in the same seat, wearing her red coat, waiting for me to board. I looked for her at the reunion events but couldn't find her. Then I saw her name. On the list of classmates who died. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

Feeling Like a Freak

I mentioned how I felt different from the others. Part of this was being poorer. Part was being without a mother in a world where it seemed every other family was intact. Back in those days there were rarely separations or divorces. I surely didn't know anyone else in a single parent family. Most especially where the mom had died.

Because my mother and grandmother died in a much-publicized plane crash when I was12, I felt so different. My brother Lee and I learned not to talk about the crash, not to offer information about being motherless. It was always awkward because people did not know what to say to us. So we didn't say anything to anybody.

During those high school years I felt like a freak.

New information Rocks My World

Imagine my amazement to learn I was not the only one in my class without a mother! Within the space of 3 1/2 hours I learned some startling information in chance conversations from two classmates.  They also had mothers who died before we arrived in high school.

None of us ever talked about it. Each of us thought we were the only one. And after the reunion I connected with yet another classmate who also grew up in a single parent household. One with no father. He, too, thought he was the only one of our group with a missing parent.

We all could have been good company for each other if we had not felt the need to be so secretive and protective. How many others are there with similar experiences in our 400 plus class?

New Found Appreciation

I got to spend lots of time 'catching up' with my good friend Gail. What a special person she was back then and continues to be. What treat to have lunch together not just once, but twice. I appreciated Gail back then, but even more so now. This time we're determined to stay in contact between reunions. And so far, we're doing a pretty good job of it.

As I walked the halls of Central High, I could see many parallels about appreciation. After all these years I have a new respect for the stately beauty of the 100 year old massive building: the curved wooden doors and moldings and banisters. The beautiful art deco light fixtures. The courtyard. The many things I took for granted back then. And so it is with friendships. With this reunion comes new appreciation. And gratitude.

I'm glad I managed to get on that plane. It was a fantastic experience in spite of a weekend of bad hair days and two prominent pimples – arriving just for the occasion. And you know what? Once I'd relaxed enough to make these longed-for reconnections, my hair, and zits didn't seem important any longer.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Fear, Anger and Outrage

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
March, 2009

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Fear, Anger and Outrage
2. Rage is 'Anger with a History'
3. Scratch the Surface of Anger and You'll Find Fear
4. Unrealistic Expectations are Setups for Disappointment
5. Loss of Trust
6. Loss Feels Like Rejection
7. Tips for Coping with Fear
8. Contacting Elayne
9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Fear, Anger and Outrage
By Elayne Savage, PhD

I was about to send out an e-letter on Fear and Disappointment. That was before the AIG bonus reaction headlines began screaming: "Outrage." "Outrage." "Outrage."

References to "Populist Rage" and "Bailout Rage" abound. Note how the word 'anger' is barely used. The operative word appears to be 'Rage.'

'Rage' is a powerful word describing a powerful emotion.

Let's look at 'rage' and how is it is different from 'anger.' We can then see if 'rage' is what we're really feeling. Or is it what the media says we should be feeling? Next we can look at the connection between rage, anger and fear.

First I want to give you my definition of rage based on over 25 years as a psychotherapist, communication coach and workplace trainer.

Rage is 'Anger with a History'
In my writing and speaking programs I define rage as 'anger with a history.' Rage is an emotion beyond anger. The way I see it, anger relates to something happening in the present and reflects “now” feelings. By contrast, rage arises from overwhelming, sometimes unbearable feelings from the past.

A distressing event in the present can become unbearable when it reminds you of past painful experiences. These negative events collect in your memory. Before you know it, you’re overreacting and feeling out-of-control.

Old injustices stockpile into a repository of rage, just waiting to be disgorged.
When a similar event happens in the present, the stockpile ignites and you are having an intense reaction against those past injustices.

These strong feelings arise from perceived mistreatment at the hands of others. Perceived injustices. Betrayals. Disappointments and Loss. Road rage is a good example of how easily folks can overreact.                 http://www.QueenofRejection.com/article_roadrage.htm

If you are aware when your anger moves into rage, you might be able to slow down the process. Ask yourself if you are reminded of an incident from your history. Does it conjure up images when a parent or teacher did not support or defend you? Or times when peers treated you unfairly. Or times somebody important disappointed you terribly.

Scratch the Surface of Anger and You'll Find Fear
Even though rage is 'anger with a history,' it is still anger. Most often when you scratch the surface of anger, you'll find fear.

When you find yourself angry ask yourself:
"What am I afraid of?"
"What might happen?"
Once you begin to get a handle on it, write it down. Then read it out loud to yourself:

"I’m afraid that _____________."

Hearing yourself say the words gives form, shape, color, and texture to the fear and makes it more manageable.

Fear and anger are connected emotions. The 'Flight or Fight' response to stress shows how this is so. When we are faced with a stressful situation, we respond in one of two ways. By fear or anger. We protect ourselves from harm by running and hiding (flight) or by becoming angry and aggressive (fight).

We can also see the connection between fear and anger in other aggressive behaviors. The bully is a good example. The bully puffs him or herself up because underneath that tough exterior lies fear and vulnerability.

Anger (within reason) can be a good balance to fear. Anger is energizing whereas fear is energy draining. Anger at the AIG bailout and bonuses may be serving a useful purpose. It may serve to energize folks when they are feeling depleted, depressed, helpless or immobilized by the economic situation.

The feeling of helplessness is the scariest of all for some of us.

So let's talk a little about fears in this shaky economy.

Apprehension seems to be touching just about everyone. It's contagious. One person catches it from another. How is it affecting you? As anxiety grows, a kind of paralysis sets in. You may feel helpless, afraid, immobilized, dazed, numbed, or stunned. It's sometimes hard to think or act.

Tensions are great. Stress is rampant. Relationships are suffering.

Loss permeates all of this. Loss of jobs is accompanied by loss of income and loss of identity. Loss of homes or savings is permeated with loss of security and loss of well being. And for some, there is a loss of hope.

Coming face to face with loss and the fear of loss is difficult. This becomes even more complicated if it reminds you of a painful loss from your early years.

Unrealistic Expectations are Setups for Disappointment
Unmet expectations are another form of loss. As a child did you feel disappointed in someone or something? Perhaps someone made a promise they didn't deliver on. Or you didn't feel supported or defended in the face of perceived danger. Or you found out you couldn't count on someone you thought you could trust. These experiences stockpile, just waiting for the next disappointment to occur.

Who among us hasn't believed exaggerated promises or engaged in some wishful thinking or put someone on a pedestal? And then we watch them tumble off. Splat. 

Thinking positively and having hope is constructive. We just have to keep our expectations realistic. When they are too big they come crashing down to reality.  Unrealistic expectations are setups for disappointment, disillusionment, and resentment. When we're too invested in a certain outcome, we tend to take disappointment personally.

Loss of Trust 
Another loss you may be struggling with is loss of trust. This includes the powerful feelings of disloyalty and betrayal. Can you see how losing your job might feel unfair? Or disloyal? If you trusted promises of security that don't materialize, it may feel like betrayal.

Loss Feels Like Rejection
There's another layer of complexity here. Each of these losses and disappointments can feel like rejection or self-rejection. Rejection is feeling "dissed" in some way: Disrespected for sure. Also dismissed, discarded, dispensable, discounted, or dishonored.

When you are wounded at such a deep place, it's hard not to take it personally.

You may perceive yourself to be a target. You tend to see someone's actions as a personal affront. You feel slighted, or wronged, or attacked. This is what taking it personally is all about.

And because taking things personally is related to feeling rejected in some way, you may find your fear of rejection intensifies as well.

When you feel an injustice has been done, you may fear getting hurt again. The hurt may become anger and resentment. When old feelings of injustices from the past bubble up as well, the anger can turn into rage.

Since fear is the underbelly of anger, finding ways to cope with your fear is a good beginning.

Tips for Coping with Fear
- Give yourself permission to be afraid. These are unsettling times. However try not to cross the line into biting the 'fear bait' that gets thrown out by the media and politicians.

- Put a name to your worst fear. Say it out loud.

- Talk it out with someone if possible. Hearing yourself say what you most fear works wonders.

-  Make a plan. It provides structure and reassurance.

- Try not to take disappointments personally. It takes so much energy. Remind yourself, "This is not about me."

Master Yoda says, "“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

More on our fears and their childhood roots next month. With more tips, too. (Unless something else in the news calls out for attention again.)

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

Out of the Ashes – A Joyous Reunion of Grief

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
February, 2009

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Out of the Ashes – A Joyous Reunion of Grief
2. 'The Other Plane Crash'
3. Making Losses Real
4. My Secret Hope Comes True
5. The Community Pitches In
6. Really Great Detective Work
7. A Reunion of Survivors
8. Contacting Elayne
9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Out of the Ashes – A Joyous Reunion of Grief
By Elayne Savage, PhD

The community of Swaledale, Iowa is joining my brother and me in grieving a plane crash that happened 55 years ago. With compassion and understanding they are inviting us to experience a kind of kinship. An acceptance of us.

These many years Lee and I have been searching for information about the plane crash that killed our mother and grandmother. And now we have some answers.

This coming together of community started three weeks ago when my brother, Lee Raskin, wrote a short piece memorializing the 50th Anniversary of the deaths of Buddy Holly, J.P. (The Big Bopper) Richardson and Richie Valens. They died when their single-engine Beech-Bonanza crashed into an Iowa cornfield during a snow storm.

You're probably familiar with 'The Day the Music Died,' Don McLean's song about the loss of these musicians. And you may remember the line "So bye bye Miss American Pie . . ." But do you know that 'American Pie' is the nickname the locals bestowed on the red and white Bonanza?

'The Other Plane Crash'
With each mention of that crash we're reminded our mother and grandmother died five years earlier in a cornfield just a few miles away.

Their Braniff DC-3 was forced down during a violent rainstorm, as they approached the Mason City, Iowa airport. Not every one died. Seven people survived, including the flight hostess.

Lee and I just learned that Elwin Musser, the Mason City Globe Gazette photographer, took the photos of both plane disasters. We also learned that he is still living in Mason City and that there are unpublished photos of the crash. We'd like to see them.

So Lee emailed John Skipper, editor of the Globe Gazette, trying to make direct contact with Mr. Musser. Lee included his 50th Anniversary tribute where he describes 'the other plane crash.'

Lee writes, "Coincidentally, it was the second notable air crash within five years that occurred near the farming town of Mason City, Iowa.  On August 22, 1954, a Braniff Air DC-3 crashed while approaching the Mason City Airport during a violent thunder and hail storm.

"In that DC-3 air disaster, twelve of nineteen on board were killed. The majority of those killed were sitting on the same side of the plane that cart-wheeled into a corn field. Among the dead were Sarah Wolfson and her daughter, Goldie Raskin, of Omaha, Nebraska, who were on their way to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN.

"Today, 50 years later...We commemorate Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper's musical achievements , . . I also took a moment to recall my mom, Goldie Raskin and grandmom, Sarah Wolfson . . ."

The editor, John Skipper, immediately responded. He describes how the area has been visited by celebrities the last week to memorialize 'The Day the Music Died.' He feels the real story here is about ordinary people like Lee and I who are also survivors.

And he wrote a sensitive, touching feature story about Lee, me and the DC-3. "A snapshot into the lives of two people directly affected by the crash."

http://tinyurl.com/aa7r8u

Many of you have heard my stories about the plane crash in my books and speaking programs. I reflect on the sudden loss of these two important women and the impact of that abandonment on my life.

Making Losses Real
We were not allowed to grieve in our family. We did not attend the funeral. We could not speak of my mother. My dad removed all photos of her from our house. And he sold his business and took a job traveling, so we lost him much of the time as well. Another abandonment.
Some of my perceptions of those days are chronicled in 'My Mother's Plane Keeps Crashing'
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/article_mothersplane.htm

and in 'Who's Protected in Holding Back Painful Photos?'
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/article_photos.htm
(By the way, this piece is relevant in current news about allowing photos of the arriving military caskets.)

My family's inept response made the loss surreal. And it stayed that way. A couple of years ago someone reminded me in order to grieve a loss it has to be made real. Then we can move on. I knew I had to find a way to make the loss real. Then it came to me: I could visit a DC-3. I found one in LA and made a 'pilgrimage' in March, 2007. It was a moving and life-changing experience for me.
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/10/index.html

Just recently, my professional speaker colleague, Jason Gore, who pilots a small plane discovered a local DC-3. He arranged a visit and brought along his camcorder to capture my experience in a series of interviews.

And in the mysterious ways of the Universe, this latest pilgrimage happened to take place only three days before my brother contacted the Mason City newspaper editor.

My Secret Hope Comes True
Truth be told, each time I go public with my story, I've secretly hoped someone would recognize the circumstance and contact me. I would fantasize them saying: "I knew someone who survived that crash" or I know a family who lost someone on that plane" or "I grew up on a nearby farm and witnessed the crash." 

Well, it finally happened. When the Globe Gazette article appeared, witnesses stepped forward.

I pinch myself as each day brings new contact with someone wanting to share their impressions with us.

People from the Swaledale farming community have never forgotten that August 22 day. They are still deeply affected. They often think of the scene. Vivid memories stay with each of them. Sometimes nightmares.

The Community Pitches In
We are so grateful to hear their stories about how the Swaledale community pitched in to help with the injured and to protect the dead until the officials got organized. They tell us how neighbors volunteered for search and rescue until ambulances could get through the mud, torrential rain, tall corn. They used their tractors to remove gawkers' cars from blocking the road so the rescue vehicles could get through. They used barn doors as stretchers.

We were mesmerized by Karen's stories about how her neighbors worked together to help out. Karen was about my age at the time the plane crashed on her family's farm. We were moved by Larry's account of how he helped his Dad with the search and rescue. He, too, was 12 years old. We learned more details about those who died and those who survived from Karen's brother Keith who also participated in search and rescue. He was 15 years old.

I'm fascinated to learn that two of the residents who contacted us were my age at the time – 12 years old. How fast we all grew up that day. How our lives changed when we were all made aware of how fragile a human life is. 

Really Great Detective Work
Reading the articles, Lee and I noticed some of the listed survivors were in their twenties at the time of the crash. Is it possible they might be alive today? Could we find them?

We decided to try to locate the flight hostess and the passenger whose life she saved by dragging her across muddy fields, over fences and to the road. She flagged down a truck and the owner of the farm drove them both to the hospital.

Lee is a fantastic investigator. He was able to trace both women and determine their married names. When the trails got cold I helped out a bit and came up with current addresses.

We located both of them and made contact!

Can you imagine what it is like for us to talk to these women? And how wonderful it feels to pave the way for them to reconnect with each other after all these years?

Can you picture how joyful it is to join with the Swaledale community in this reunion of grief? Fifty-five years later. The word that comes to my mind is 'rejuvenating.'          

For 55 years Lee and I have lived with this unhealed wound. Every year we dread the arrival of August 22 because of the memories it brings. We've existed in our narrow little world of memories. Feeling 'different' from our school friends, rarely talking about our past. It was always awkward to try to explain that our mother died in a plane crash. People just don't know how to respond.  So we said nothing.

We were stunned to hear that our own experience is shared by the Swaledale community. Now we understand how the crash which changed our lives forever has affected others as well.

A Reunion of Survivors
Knowing we are part of this reunion of survivors is an incredible experience. Now that we have discovered one another, we are able to be a small comfort for each other. Even the newspaper editor wrote me about the personal affect our story has on him. "Thank you for the opportunity to tell your story and to open another door in my life." He reflects how my article, 'My Mother's Plane Keeps Crashing' is a reminder that not everyone can move on as easily as others.

When he published this 'snapshot' of us did he have any idea what a huge door he was opening for all of us survivors to come together as community?

This story is taking on a life of it's own. It is becoming a journey of strength and gratitude and renewed hope.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

Coping with Sudden and Unexpected Loss

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION ^®
June, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Coping with Sudden and Unexpected Loss
2. The Damned Ugliest Dog I Ever Saw
3. Honoring, Nurturing and Preserving Friendships
4. A Turning Point
5. Contacting Elayne
6. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Coping with Sudden and Unexpected Loss
By Elayne Savage, PhD

I lost my long-time friend Bill a few days ago.  It was sudden and
unexpected. A stroke. He was dead before the day was over.

Bill is the first of my close peers to die. It's hitting me hard.

Bill and I were San Francisco Social Workers. We knew each other
casually in the late 60's. We'd pass in the hall, nod and go about
our business.

Then one day we rode the elevator together. "Hey, I hear you're a
Scorpio chick" he said in his quiet, measured way. Turns out we
both have November birthdays.

That conversation was the beginning of a Scorpio bond that has
lasted 40 years.

Somewhere along the way (25 or so years ago) we started
exchanging birthday cards. We never missed a year.

The Damned Ugliest Dog I Ever Saw

Our friendship grew when we were assigned to the same Child
Welfare Unit and we ended up sitting next to each other.

We didn't get much work done, but we talked a lot. Mostly
about our fears, our disappointments, our dreams, our fantasies.
And we exchanged some secrets, too.

One day Bill told me about his household pet. A wolf. What a
tip-off to how unique and unusual my desk mate really was. He
grinned that sly Bill grin and quoted his landlady, "That's the
damned ugliest dog I ever saw."

We did a lot of grousing about the system and the bosses and how
frustrating it was trying to make a difference with the families
we served. Thankless work, difficult work environment, but we
could support and make a difference for each other.

I learned some fascinating stuff about Bill from our wonderful
talks.

And I learned so much FROM him as well. He taught me many life
lessons.

He showed me how to figure out what the mood of the day would
be in our unit. How we could 'read' our supervisor's mood by
listening to the sound of how she walked into the office.
(Actually, this lesson refreshed an old skill I'd developed
as a child when I leaned to 'read' my parents moods and to
stay out of their way.)

One day Bill talked to me about how he was preparing for lunch
with an old friend. He carefully thought out questions in advance
that he could ask during his time with his friend. He actually
strategized the conversation. Wow. I've always totally flown by
the seat of my pants. What a revelation in conversation
possibilities.

Bill taught me how to stay sane in an insane work environment.
He taught me how to relax a little and not take my job (or myself)
so seriously.

And he taught me how to not take things so personally as well.
And that was decades before I wrote the 'Don't Take it Personally!'
book! Imagine that.

Mostly I'm grateful to Bill for opening my perspective on viewing
the world. His take on things and reflections has truly illuminated
new terrain for me over the years.

It's been 25 years since I Ieft that toxic work environment. Bill retired a
few years after I left.

Honoring, Nurturing and Preserving Friendships

I wish we had kept in touch more often. Sometimes years passed
without face-to-face contact.

Yet there were always the birthday cards.

These last years, sometimes he'd warn me a card might be a little late
because he and his wife Tuzie were in Russia or Ireland or Australia.
But the card always arrived. And it was always special. In fact, every
one was unusual. Very Bill.

And I got to choose a card to send him each year too. Shopping
for a card for him was an adventure. I put a lot of energy into
finding the 'right' statement that would honor Bill's spirit and
uniqueness.

Each friendship has its own specialness and cadence and energy.
Sometimes it's not necessary to be in direct or even frequent
contact with someone we care about.

The essence of that person is infused into our heart, mind and soul.
They become part of our being.

Bill was such a person for me. Bigger than life. And we always
seemed to be able to pick up where we left off.

Much of our contact this last year and a half has been around
my e-letters. I've loved receiving emails with his thoughtful
reflections. He'd say how something I wrote 'struck a chord' for
him.

And he'd write me his thoughts at 3 or 4am, recounting how his
memories came flooding back about a particular life experience.
Or about some conundrum. Or some vision or hope.

So now I'm struggling with the realization that there won't be
anymore thoughtful email exchanges. Or birthday cards. Or walks
and talks about the meaning of life.  Recently we experienced a
new kind of bond when I joined Bill in the ranks of
grandparenthood. There won't be any more conversations about
that, either.

A Turning Point

As I said earlier, Bill is the first of my close peers to die.
His death has brought home a reminder of the preciousness of
friendship.

I’m such an old hand at experiencing loss. I'm a little surprised
I’m having such a hard time with the loss of Bill.

I was out of town when I got the voicemail message from a friend
of his family asking me to call Bill's wife. When you get a
message like that, you know something big is up. I was totally
unprepared when Bill's wife Tuzie told me he'd had 'a massive
cerebral hemorrhage' and died the same day.

You may be thinking that my struggle with Bill's death is about
my own mortality. You are right. His death brings me face to face
with my own fears. Big time.

After all, Bill was just a few years older than me. And here's
something else as well. Something I've never told anyone. When
I was 7 years old my mom told me the story of a neighbor kid who
died of a brain hemorrhage. Looking back, I can see she was most
likely passing along to me her own anxiety about this child's
death. I grew up believing such a thing could happen to me too.

And now it has happened to Bill. So the fears of that 7-year-old
just came alive. In living color.

There's another even bigger fear present as well. My overwhelming
fear of abandonment - that people I care about will leave. I’m
especially vulnerable when partings are sudden or unexpected.

Some of you know about the plane crash that took my mother and
grandmother when I was twelve. Each time I endure a loss, I relive
the fears of that child.
Poof. They are gone and I'm alone. And the burning question
endures: "What's going to happen to me?"

Losses come in so many shapes, sizes, textures and colorations. 
And big or small, they tend to stockpile. The layers build, just
waiting to reappear whenever the next loss to appears. In order to
grieve a loss and move on, we have to make the loss real.

I guess I'm doing this by immersing myself in memories of Bill and
in saved email correspondence from him, and as I write this now.

These losses and fears are swirling around me as I write. A blast
of chill air starts in the pit of my stomach, moves to the small
of my back, up my spine to the nape of my neck and across my
shoulders.

There are moments when it's difficult to breathe. I want to
open the window and take in big gulps of air.

I want to cry, but the sound gets stuck in my throat. It comes out
as a moan. Sometimes it sounds more like a wail.
Plaintive. Forlorn. Aching.

And at the same time, I can see that my way of dealing with the
loss of Bill is a turning point for me. I can see how my ability
to take care of myself now is quite different then in times past.

That 12 year old couldn't ask for help. And when it was offered,
couldn't or wouldn't accept it. The person I am now seeks support
and comfort from people in my life. And yesterday when someone
I know heard about my loss and offered me a hug, I could receive
it. It felt good.

So Bill, I guess I can thank you for that too.

For more about loss and abandonment, go to
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/08/index.html

For more about making loss real, go to
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/10/index.html

I'd love to share more of Bill's essence with you. You can
learn more about him at
http://www.legacy.com/SFGate/DeathNotices.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonId=111767191

'Til next month,
Elayne

© 2008 Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

Pilgrimage to a DC-3 - The Voices of My Ancestors Whisper to My Granddaughter

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
October, 2007

Welcome to the 12th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM)

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Pilgrimage to a DC-3 - The Voices of My Ancestors Whisper to
     My Granddaughter
2, Poof. They Were Gone
3. Wrapped in Silence
4. Making Grief Real
5. "There Are All Your Ancestors resting snugly in Your DNA . . ."
6. Baby Cora and the DC-3
7. Contacting Elayne
8. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. PILGRIMAGE TO A DC-3 - THE VOICES OF MY ANCESTORS
    WHISPER TO MY GRANDDAUGHTER
    By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

What a moving experience it was holding my new granddaughter in
my arms. Whenever she'd open those big eyes it seemed she was
connecting with my soul. And I was connecting to hers as well.

As I looked into her eyes, I was looking into the past, present
and future at the same time. I was recognizing the importance of
this newest female member of my linage.

2. POOF. THEY WERE GONE

I'm trying to put words to how much it means to me that this
baby is a girl. Her arrival in the world symbolizes the next
generation of female lineage. A continuation of a broken line
of women.

The women of the two generations before me, my mother and grandmother, were wiped out in an instant in a plane crash. They were aboard
a Braniff DC-3 that crashed into a corn field near Mason City, Iowa over 
50 years ago. Poof. They were both gone. Two generations of 
female role models. Two generations of nurturing. Two generations
of support. And two generations of storytelling.

I missed out on being able to sit at their feet and hear
their stories. Stories about the Cossack soldiers ravaging
their village.  Stories about what it was like to travel
through China by rickshaw. Stories about being quarantined
on Angel Island for 3 months.  Stories about building a new
life in Omaha. Stories about their experiences in raising
children.

Over the years there have been many questions unformed and
many questions unanswered. Yes, I have missed all of those
untold stories.

3. GRIEF WRAPPED IN SILENCE

The aftermath of that plane crash was handled badly by my family.
This very public loss caused a city to mourn, yet my brother Lee and I
were not allowed to grieve either publicly or privately.

Everything was wrapped in silence. The newspaper articles
and crash scene pictures were hidden from us. We didn't attend
the funeral. We weren't allowed to talk about my mother.

My Dad removed all photos of her from the house. We thought
he'd thrown them out, but after he died my brother found the
albums tucked away in the back of the highest shelf of Dad's
closet. He'd moved with them 4 times, yet we never knew they
existed. It's nice to have them back.

Lee and I were able to do some grieving five years later when
another plane crash into a corn field made headlines. Buddy Holly,
J.P. (Big Bopper) Richardson and Richie Valens were killed. The
crashes were only a few miles apart outside of Mason City, Iowa.

Yes, I've worked on these losses for many years in therapy. Yet there
always seemed to be something missing.

A few years ago something fortuitous happened. After presenting
a one-day training program several miles from my home, I decided
to stay the night at a local Bed and Breakfast. Intuitively I told the
B&B owner the story of the plane crash. It turns out he is a grief
counselor.

He presented me with the missing piece: to grieve a loss and move
on, we need to make the loss real.

Yes, of course. That's what was missing. The deaths of my
mother and grandmother were never made real. 

4. MAKING GRIEF REAL

One day I woke up knowing what to do. I must visit a DC-3.

For several years I fantasized about locating and visiting a
DC-3. One I could visit without other people around. I wanted
some time to myself on the plane.

(Telling the richly detailed story of the DC-3 has become part of my
professional speaking programs. Some of you may have been
in my audience and heard this story before. I'm including a few
selective descriptions of my pilgrimage. I've chosen these
because they are related to carrying on the female legacy which
Miss Cora symbolizes for me.)

Early last year I gathered the courage to track down a restored
DC-3.  Making the actual arrangements to visit the plane came
about from a confluence of many happenings.

Lots of serendipity is involved - a chance conversation with a
fellow professional speaker who is a pilot, the support of my
boyfriend, Burt, who encouraged me to follow through with the
phone call that eventually led to making the appointment to
visit the plane.

Matt, the Operations Manager at the Santa Monica airport pointed
me to a restored plane at the Van Nuys Airport. It is the private plane
of a major Southern California Aviation figure, Clay Lacy.

I took a deep breath and called. The receptionist told me
"Oh no you can't visit this plane. This is Mr. Lacy's private plane." 

I took another deep breath. I wasn't going to be deterred.
I persisted, told my story and asked to speak to a decision
maker. Mr. Lacy's personal assistant called back the next
day: "Mr. Lacy would be pleased to have you visit his plane!"
Burt went with me as witness. We were escorted from the
office to the plane which was on the tarmac. (But my experience
of the plane is another story.)

By way of preparing for this pilgrimage I contacted a few
friends and a listserve of therapist colleagues asking for
support and suggestions of rituals I might do on the plane.

It was a big step for me to reach out publicly. I'm glad I did.
I felt I was being cradled in the strong and comforting arms
of a caring community. 

My time on the plane was an amazing event.

I was able to stay present and to experience the moments on
a cellular, energetic level.

I was able to imagine my mother and grandmother beside me
on the plane. I could imagine talking with them, especially
with my mother.

I could feel myself reconnecting with her in a new way.

I could ask questions and receive answers.

I could laugh again with my mother, sharing some memories.

I could also tell her about my life, my disappointments and
my successes.

One of the reasons I wanted to visit a DC-3 was to be able
to release the shackles that have constrained me for so many
years. When I was sitting on the plane I could feel the chains
falling away. I could feel myself rebalancing and realigning.

I was able to achieve the healing and liberation I've missed out on
for so many years.

A couple of years ago someone made me a beautiful blue felt pouch,
decorated with lace and leather and shells.
I'd never used the pouch because it was so lovely, so special. 
As I contemplated my pilgrimage, I realized this pouch was waiting
for just the right time to be the guardian of something very precious.

I put into the pouch photos of my mother and grandmother.
Photos of myself and my brother Lee as we grew up.
Photos of my daughter Jocelyn.

Then I imagined putting the essence of my mother and grandmother
into the pouch, and I carried their spirits onto the plane with me.

In retrospect I believe the conversations, phone calls and
arrangements for the pilgrimage came to pass because I had just
learned my daughter was expecting a baby. 

5. "THERE ARE ALL YOUR ANCESTORS RESTING SNUGLY
     IN YOUR DNA . . ."

One of the therapists who responded to my request sent me this
quote which I also put into the blue pouch to carry with me on the
DC-3. 

I re-read the words on that piece of paper many times in the hour I
spent on the plane:

"But when we take the time to really give thanks to our ancestors,
we place them in their proper context, granting them neither more
nor less than their due.
We are able to use the lessons they have taught us - even
if by negative example - and move beyond their legacy to
claim our rightful place in the world.

Dawna Markova says, "Look in the palm of your hand.
Thich Nhat Hanh would say that if you look deeply
enough, you'll never be lonely. Each cell of your hand is made
from genetic material passed on to you from your mother and father.
Whether you adored or despised them, there they are in the palm
of your hand. If you look a little deeper, you'll see your grandfathers
and grandmothers.

Deeper still, and there are all your ancestors resting snugly in your
DNA . . .
Can you hear them whispering in your ear,
'Maybe this is the one who will carry our dreams into the world,
    maybe this is the one who will move beyond the
    limitations that have held us back and carry our dreams
    into the world.'"
               -- From Attitudes of Gratitude by Mary Jane Ryan

6. BABY CORA AND THE DC-3

Just after Cora was born, I corresponded with my cousin
Dr. Steve Raskin. Intuitively I decided to send him the
above quote about DNA. Steve emailed back with this
"little biology lesson." He reminded me that there
are two kinds of DNA in cells. One is  "nuclear DNA which
exists in chromosomes and are subject to recombination over
the generations, resulting in the complexity of human variation.

But there is some other DNA in the cell known as
"mitochondrial" DNA that exists in the cytoplasm
OUTSIDE the cell nucleus. The mitochondria are passed
completely from mother to daughter and that DNA
does not take part in any recombination. 

You are the bearer of your mother's and her mother's
mitochondria (and mitochondrial DNA), just as Jocelyn
and - now - Cora are also. You might get a good feeling
knowing that tiny little pieces of your mother are part
of your granddaughter."

So in this communication with a cousin I haven't seen in
over 30 years, I came to realize why holding this little
girl was such a spiritual experience for me. Cora is more
connected to my mother and my grandmother than I ever
realized. 

Had I known this baby was to be a girl at the time I
made the pilgrimage, my experience on the plane would
have been even more powerful. For too many years I let
the accident define me. I was frozen in the drama of
the 12-year-old child.

On the plane I was able to visualize the chains falling
away. I was able to see my experience as the ending of
something and the beginning of something else.

I began to understand that I don't have to be a hurt,
scared child any longer. I recognize that my inherited
potential is unimpeded by the tragedies of the past. I
CAN fly - even soar.

Now I'm the grandmother, Jocelyn is the mother and baby
Cora is the child. 

I can hear the ancestors whispering in my ear and in
Jocelyn's ear and in Cora's ear:    
"Maybe this is the one who will carry our
    dreams into the world,
    maybe this is the one who will move beyond the
    limitations that have held us back and carry our
    dreams into the world"

© 2007 Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

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Dumped! - Dealing with Loss and Abandonment

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
August, 2007

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Dumped! - Dealing with Loss and Abandonment
2. Losses come in all shapes and sizes
3. Losing a chunk of childhood
4. Fearing another abandonment-the most profound rejection fear
    of all
5. Fear of loss influences how we love
6. Tips - dealing with loss and abandonment
7. Contacting Elayne
8. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. DUMPED! - DEALING WITH LOSS AND ABANDONMENT
    By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

When I was a little girl, one day I was nestling in my father’s
lap. Feeling safe.  Secure. Content.

Then, someone came into the room and he suddenly stood up. I went
tumbling to the floor.

What a shock to my system! So many confusing feeling: surprise,
disbelief, anger, and embarrassment, and fear.

Just a moment earlier, I was feeling safe and secure. In an
instant my world changed. 

Looking back at that childhood experience with the
understanding of an adult, I can see that I felt abandoned and
betrayed by someone I trusted. I know this sounds dramatic, but
I do believe my ability to totally trust changed on that day.

I haven’t thought about that lap incident in many years. The
memory came flooding back recently when I received an email
breaking off a 3 1/2 year long distance relationship. It felt
like getting dumped on the floor all over again.

Even though he has since changed his mind about breaking up,
the email was a shock to my system. No wonder the memories of
that lap incident surfaced.

I started thinking about the impact of Rejection, Abandonment, Disappointment
and Loss can have on us.

2. LOSSES COME IN ALL SHAPES AND SIZES

I’m especially aware how each new loss in the present can
bring up losses from the past. Even though they seem long
forgotten, they can pack a wallop:

- Losing friends,
- Losing loved ones
- Losing pets
- Losing jobs
- Losing recognition or promotions
- Losing prestige
- Losing face
- Losing self-esteem
- Losing expectations and illusions
- Losing dreams

There are other losses as well:

- Loss of support
- Loss of respect
- Loss of security
- Loss of vitality
- Loss of health
- Loss of lifestyle
- Loss of professional identity

There’s a different kind of loss in the sadness we feel in a
breakup of a relationship. All the energy that we put into
anticipation of a future with that person is gone – poof.

We find ourselves experiencing a huge loss: a loss of what
might have been. It leaves a big space in there.

What about the little losses?

Most of us recognize the big-ticket losses in our lives: the
breakup of a relationship, the death of a loved one, and the
loss of a job. But what about all the little losses we
experience as well?

We often don’t give much importance to grieving these smaller
losses. We tend to minimize the loss and disappointment. We say 
to ourselves, “It’sno big deal, I can handle it.” Then we tuck away
our feelings and go about our life. Or someone says, “Get over it”
and we buy into that directive.

Trouble is, these losses, big and small, stockpile. Then they
reappear whenever the next loss crosses our path.

Some of us have experienced more than our share of losses.
Maybe we moved from house to house, school district to school
district, town to town. Sometimes we couldn’t even say a proper
goodbye to treasured friends or teachers. 

3. LOSING A CHUNK OF CHILDHOOD

I lost a huge chunk of my childhood following the deaths of my
mother and grandmother in a Mason City, Iowa plane crash when I was 12 years old.
For the next several years I walked around in a haze.

Their deaths brought on full-fledged feelings of abandonment,
of course.There was no encouragement or support from family be say
or to grieve.

I do know that in order to move on with our lives, we have to
make our losses real and grieve them.

Recently, these many decades later, I made a pilgrimage to a
DC-3 to properly grieve the loss of the lineage of women in
my family.

Perhaps one day soon I’ll write about it here.  Some of you have
heard me tell the story in my speaking programs.

Abandonment experiences and fears color our relationships in
profound ways, influencing how we interact with others and how
they interact with us.

4. FEARING  ANOTHER ABANDONMENT-THE MOST PROFOUND REJECTION
   FEAR OF ALL

In Breathing Room — Creating Space to Be a Couple (New
Harbinger) I write: “One woman has such a strong reaction
when a relationship ends that she sometimes finds herself
hyperventilating. It doesn’t seem to make any difference
which person ends the relationship.

“I feel as if I can’t get enough air into my lungs, as
if I can’t breathe,” she relates. “Sometimes I even think
I might die. Yes, I know it’s not just about the breakup.
I know that it’s related to my father dying when I was a
child. I just don’t do well at all when people leave me.
Every new ‘leaving’ feels like another death. I guess a part
of me dies, too.”

http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

However, losses don’t have to be huge to feel like
abandonment.  Losing friends can feel like that. Losing
support. Losing recognition. Losing prestige. Losing
respect. Losing professional identity. 

5. FEAR OF LOSS INFLUENCES HOW WE LOVE

Certainly fear of loss influences how we love.

And again from Breathing Room: “Millie experienced such
fears, but she didn’t know it. She only knew how anxious
she got whenever she and her partner fought. So she dealt
with her fear by frequently threatening to leave her partner.
It was very controlling, to be sure—but what it really
controlled was her own anxiety about being left.”

6. TIPS - DEALING WITH LOSS AND ABANDONMENT

Abandonment fears are not easy to tame. It’s oh-so-easy
to catastrophize them, to let them spill over into
everything.  Unless you can keep them contained.

It’s important to put your losses in perspective.

•   Give a voice to your feelings.

•   Give yourself permission to be sad or angry (or even relieved.)

•   Remind yourself that this present loss is being
    influenced and affected by all of your past losses no
    matter how small they may seem.

•   Yes, you can actually speak to and calm the fears of
    that part of you that is the most upset—that child part
    of you

•   Can you visualize a container in which you keep your fears of
    loss and abandonment? What does it look like?

•   Find some creative ways to make your losses real and
    grieve them.

•   Let the part of you that knows how to deal with these
    setbacks lead the way for the part of you that is
    confused and floundering.

A few days before the 'Dear Elayne' email, I had suffered
another loss. A loss of feeling safe.  A homeless man
attacked my car while I was sitting in it. He threatened me
and made some good-sized dents in the car.

A friend reminded me that a dented car is not the same as
a dented heart. Yes, that is true. However, at the same
time, I know that I must honor both incidents as losses.
And both will have an affect on me for a long time to come.

Trite though it may sound, it helps me when I remind myself
that losses give me the opportunity to see things through
a different perspective. There's always something to learn
about life- when I choose to.

You may want to read Judith Viorst's classic, Necessary Losses.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.