Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

Nasty and Personal: When is Political Nastiness Psychological Projection?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

I've been receiving e-mails about the polarity and negativity in this political campaign. Readers talk about the nasty and personal sniping, the name-calling and how there seems to be an unusual amount of viciousness in debates and advertising.

One woman wrote:  "Things are getting pretty ugly in the political sphere this election. It would be beneficial to get further perspective on ways to handle situations that are so negative."

"It is not just candidates who are negative. It seems, to me very few people are able to discuss politics without demonizing the other side. It is a real challenge to talk issues in a more objective way.

"A case in point is a close relative who keeps sending attacking political e-mail after I asked them to stop. How do you handle a person who insists upon talking politics when I have clearly stated I don't wish to discuss politics with them?  Where's a good starting point to deal with this issue?"

I do have some ideas of what may be going on here. This is not meant to be a political commentary. But rather, some observations on human nature.

Let's start with understanding 'isomorphism' and then move on to 'psychological projection.'

It is fascinating how some of our relatives or friends or neighbors appear to be taking on the negative qualities of the campaigners. And the media does the same!

The reader's example of pushy, negative comments is a terrific example of isomorphism (Sometimes referred to as  'parallel process' or 'social contagion.')

Isomorphism is a mirroring of one situation by another. It is when the energy from one context (for example political campaigners) is picked up and replicated in another context (for example voters.) 

You’ve probably noticed how images in television commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example, a human face will change into a lion’s face or an antelope will transform into a car— right before your eyes.

This is what happens with certain interactions as well. In politics the character and temperament of a candidate trickles down to voters. There seem to be an influx of personal attacks, sharp tones of voice, aggressiveness and nastiness.

And of course this process also exists in personal and professional relationships.

Isomorphism is one way of explaining what may be going on in the realm of political nastiness. Psychological projection is another.

Psychological Projection: Spreading the Garbage Around

As the political attacks get more intensely personal and vicious every day, I wonder if there isn't some kind of personal flavor and investment in the accusations.

Could it be that the accuser is talking about their own flaws or shortcomings?

The tendency to see certain traits in another person when you cannot acknowledge them in yourself is called psychological projection.

When we find traits, behaviors, ideas or feelings unacceptable in someone else, it is usually because they are blind spots for us and we need to disown them.

If our family or society has deemed something "unacceptable," it is not safe for it to show up and we tend to submerge it. These traits become our 'shadow side.'

And if they do start to pop up, they make us really nervous.

Anytime we have unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears our anxiety level can shoot up. Most of us have a tendency to protect ourselves from experiencing the anxiety when undesirable thoughts intrude. A common way to cope with and tame the anxiety is to unconsciously attribute the thoughts or feelings to others.

In other words, to rid ourselves of this anxiety, we may fling these unacceptable parts of ourselves onto other folks. We may accuse them of the same types of behaviors that we find incompatible with how we see ourselves.

In this primary election we hear accusations of being disreputable, corrupt and sexually inappropriate. We hear about infidelity, influence peddling, corporate shilling, dishonesty, and vicious whisper campaigns.

Some scratching below the surface and a little research might expose the accuser as having similar attributes.

I'm not making a political statement here. Psychological projection has been rampant from both political parties throughout quite a few primary and general election campaigns. And I've commented on it in other blogs.

Have you noticed it too? Is it my imagination or does it seem to get worse with each new campaign?

I'd love to hear your comments. You can write to me at
elayne@QueenofRejection.com

Psychological projection does not just exist in political campaigns. It is all too common in our personal and professional relationships as well.

Have you noticed how traits you can't tolerate in others are often the things you can’t stand about yourself? These might include anger, sadness, fears, insecurities, vulnerabilities, and dependency. It might include your tendency to be stubborn or flirtatious or bad or too loud or pushy or competitive or controlling.

When a thought or fear is too hot to handle we want to get rid of it. That's when you might toss it over to someone else. Partners, friends or co-workers are handy recipients. By attributing the thought to them, you can rid yourself of the anxiety it brings up.

Projection is like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space — for safekeeping.

A client says, “When we can’t own our own stuff, we try to give it away. I guess you could say that projection protects us from ourselves by spreading the garbage around.”

Projection also involves confusion about personal boundaries. I describe how this works in BREATHING ROOM:   http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

"Having good personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our personal space is unique and separate from the personal space of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."

It's Hard Not to Take Finger Pointing Personally

If you find yourself attributing feelings or thoughts to someone else why not take some time to ask yourself if you could possibly have the same trait. Could you be dealing with it by projecting it onto the other person?

It's no wonder the onslaught of insinuations and projections in this election have been unsettling to my coaching and therapy clients. It reminds them of all the projections they have experienced in their personal lives. Unfounded accusations from parents, sibs, teachers, or peers. Accusations that didn't fit. And no wonder. The accuser was most likely talking about him or herself. It's hard not to take finger pointing personally. It certainly feels like a personal attack.

There is an old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing. When someone is pointing a finger at you, remind yourself that the other three fingers are actually pointing right back at the accuser. The SNL folks sure got it right. It helps put things in perspective.
 
It's a reminder worth repeating to yourself:
"This is not about me.
This is most likely about the other person.
They are probably talking about themselves.
What might they be saying?"

In spite of the disturbing nature of the campaigning we can learn a lot about ourselves by noticing it's effect on us. Projection is all too common in many relationships. It helps when we can get a handle on it.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

 Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Held Hostage by Sears

 Elayne Savage, PhD

It makes me crazy to be at the mercy of delivery or repair people. To wait around all day for someone to show up.

My dryer died. My regular appliance store wanted $100 to deliver, install and haul away. That seemed excessive. Someone told me Sears offers a rebate and has a pretty painless delivery operation.

Wrong. The Sears experience has been a nightmare.

It took at least 6 tries at scheduling and 4 delivery attempts before I had my new dryer. You may be familiar with the routine. You receive an automated call the evening before providing a two-hour window for the following day. If the time doesn't work, you call back and request another day. Once again you wait until the night before to learn the new delivery time.

I can clear part of my day, but not all of it. I'd request a morning appointment, and get an afternoon time slot. When I tried asking for an afternoon time, a morning delivery was scheduled.

The first attempt seemed like a snap. The phone call came in the night before as promised. The two-hour window they gave me worked out perfectly. The delivery team showed up within the specified time window.

How easy is this? Except the delivery guy won't install the dryer. He says the gas valve is too tight to turn. He doesn't want to force it. He tells me to call a plumber.

The order is canceled. Talk about disappointment!

Back to Sears goes my dryer.

As long as I'm reordering, I decide to order a slightly larger dryer. I measure the doorway carefully. The salesman promises it will work.

Again I go through the procedure with the automated call and the two-hour window. This time it takes a few tries to schedule the delivery.

The Confrontation

The delivery guy shows up exactly within the promised two-hour time frame. Except he refuses to take the dryer through the doorway. He argues with me that it is 29 inches wide, even though the online dimensions (and salesman) say it is 28.

There is a second, wider door to my laundry area, but he also refuses to bring it through that one. It seems like he doesn’t want to be bothered. Grrrrrrr. I feel like I have no control over the situation. By now I'm sounding a bit testy.

Back to Sears goes my dryer.

I order the smaller one even though it is not the dryer I really want. Again we go through the phone call/two hour window routine a couple of times.

A Scary Experience

 I could feel my face drop when the same delivery guy that refused to bring the last dryer through my doorway shows up.

He asks me to go down the block where the truck is parked to "make sure it's the right dryer."  Seems kind of weird to me that he was making this request.

Seems even weirder when he comments about my 'nice house.' In fact it pretty much freaked me out when I realized I recognized the number when he called me a few minutes earlier to check if I was home. There had been two or three early am and late night hang-ups with this same number showing on my caller ID.

We walk over to the truck. The dryer is in the cardboard box. He pulls down the back box panel and asks, "Is this the flat back model you ordered?"  Yes. It is.

Then he moves around to the side panel. Before he even pulls it down, he exclaims, "Oh! it's damaged." And indeed there is a huge dent in the side. Hmmmmm.

How did he know it is damaged before he sees it? The other two delivery guys just stand there staring at their feet.

I tell him I want it installed anyway, knowing I'd have time under warranty to replace it. He refuses to bring it into the house. I am way past testy this time. I lose my temper.

Back to Sears goes my dryer.

When I order a replacement dryer I'm told the delivery guy reported I had refused delivery on the dented one.

Complain Instead of Compliance

I call Customer Service. They explain these delivery people do not work for Sears even though they drive Sears trucks and wear Sears uniforms. They are contracted.

The rep suggests a different delivery team the next time. She connects me to an administrative complaint person. He says the dryer should have been installed when I made that request. I have 45 days to return it if it is damaged. He is writing it up to "send up to corporate."

The re-ordered dryer takes a couple of reschedules and two more days to be delivered. This time the delivery guy and his team are terrific. He also answers some questions for me. He measures my doorway and says there is enough room for clearance. It's tight but he would have installed the wider dryer. He also says the only time he asks a customer to walk over to the truck is if he knows an appliance is damaged.

So after 2 ½ weeks I have my new dryer. And I am so relieved to be done dealing with Sears. 

Premature. Turns out the replacement dryer reorder activated a new charge on my Visa bill. I notice the refund is $110 short. I have to make another phone call to Sears. They insist they refunded the full amount. They insist it must be a restock charge, which could only be requested by the delivery company!  After several phone calls it is finally refunded.

It has been quite a struggle not to take all of this personally.

I really hate feeling at the mercy of delivery or repair people. Just a few months ago I waited on two different days for Comcast to show up and change my non-functioning modem. I waited and waited. They never came on either of the scheduled days. I’m angry about that experience too. I had to keep reminding them they owed me $20 for each missed appointment. I'm sure the earlier experience with Comcast colored my reaction to the Sears drama.

 

How to Cope

So what might I have done differently in these frustrating situations?

- Not have unrealistic expectations that things will go smoothly. They probably won't.

-  Breathe. Count to 10. Breathe some more.

- Try to remember I don't have to take the word of a delivery or repairperson. I can I can ask them to call supervisor on their cell phone. Right then and there.

When I get caught in the tentacles of feeling 'done to' or manipulated or lied to, I can sometimes get angry, overreact and don't think clearly about what my options might be. Does this happen to you, too?

I'd love to hear your stories on how you experience and handle these situations . . .

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consulting services visit:

http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

 

Confessions of an Overly Responsible Personality

Confessions of an Overly Responsible Personality

January 2010

By Elayne Savage, PhD

People of good will come together in wondrous ways as they respond to disasters like the devastating Haitian earthquake.This outpouring of support and financial aid is a marvelous example of social consciousness.

And yet, there are also lively debates in editorials and by the talking heads questioning  limits of our responsibility to other nations.

So, I've been thinking a lot about personal responsibility.

What does it mean to be personally responsible? What forms can it take? How does it develop? I'm more aware than ever of my long-time tendency to feel overly responsible. Even in every day situations that have little to do with me, I tend to feel responsible and take it to heart. You might say I'm taking it  personally.

There are times as I watch something unpleasant happening to someone. I catch myself thinking, "What could I have done to prevent this from happening?" or even  "Did I do something to cause  this to happen?" 

A reality check with common sense tells me,  "Of course not." And yet, in spite of knowing this, those awful 'shoulds' and 'ought-tos' start creeping in.

I think of all the times I've head sad or bad news and responded with, "I'm sorry." As I think more about it, 'sorry' is an apologetic word. Is this another instance where I'm feeling responsible for the situation when it isn't my fault? Lately I've been more mindful about saying "I'm sorry to hear that" which removes the apology factor.

Thank goodness the thoughts only hang around for a moment or so these days. I remember when they used to consume a great deal of time, space and energy. It didn't take much for me to feel overly responsible for things that happened around me. Without thinking I'd be jumping in to rescue the situation.

Do you, too, find yourself taking on this kind of responsibility? Do you blame yourself and take it personally?

Blaming ourselves is not the same as taking responsibility for our actions  All too often we confuse the two.Taking responsibility is standing on your own two feet. Blaming is leaning on someone else to take responsibility.

You can take responsibility for your response to the event, but the event itself is usually out of your control. It's this out of control feeling that leads to feeling overly responsible.

Feeling Helpless

We often mobilize by rescuing. Somehow rescuing helps us feel like we are in control of an out-of control situation.

So to not feel so helpless. we may take responsibility in a situation.

Some of us learned the rescuing role growing up. Maybe our childhood job description was 'The Responsible One,' 'The Capable One,' 'The Go-between,' 'The Placater,' 'The Mediator,' or 'The Family Translator.'

Truth be told, some of us learned responsibility in inappropriate ways. Boundaries were transgressed. Maybe you were handed the responsibility of caring for younger siblings. Or you started taking care of parents who were supposed to be taking care of you. Or you acted as the go-between. Or you tried to stop the fighting between your parents.

One woman describes jumping up on the coffee table and at the top of her voice reading her 'Happy Family Book' each time her parents started yelling.

We were 'parentified children' who filled up the large, empty spaces in our family.There was no room to be children because we were expected to function as adults. Boundary confusion reigned.

Read more about personal boundaries in "Don't Take It Personally! excerpts from Amazon. Chapter 11 addresses this:
http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Take-Personally-Dealing-Rejection/dp/0595255752/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264392645&sr=8-1#reader_0595255752

and in 'Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple:
http://www.amazon.com/Breathing-Room-Creating-Space-Couple/dp/1572242213/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264483012&sr=8-1#reader_1572242213

Keeping Everyone Safe is a Big Job

Some of us grew up with the idea if we didn't do our job right, our family might fall apart.

We believed everyone depended on us. I've heard many stories from clients about how they would lie in bed in bed at night worrying about how to best take care of everyone, keep them safe and make sure the family ran smoothly day-to-day. What a huge responsibility!

Can you see how being the responsible one in the family contributes to our sense of self worth and becomes our identity? This was how we receive validation and we carry this identity into the outside world.

Sometimes it backfires.

I'm remembering a kindergarten experience when I felt compelled to tell the teacher that a classmate refused to come in from recess. I was worried about her and was sure the teacher would be grateful for this information.

What a shock when my teacher accused me of tattling and told me to mind my own business. I honestly thought it was my business. After all, at home it was my job to be 'the responsible one' and make sure everyone was safe. Even back then I was overdoing the responsibility thing.

Job Descriptions Follow Us Into Adulthood

As we carry this identity into our adult years it  becomes burdensome and leads to some dilemmas:
How responsible should we be for others' well-being?
When does this cross over to being 'too responsible?'
Do we ever have a moral obligation?
An ethical one?
Do we feel responsible because we are really feeling guilty?
What are the personal boundaries here? It's so easy to get confused.
How can we be compassionate yet honor the autonomy of others?
How can we recognize and respect our own comfort level?

Here is what works for me. I make an effort to 'walk alongside myself.' I notice when the urge comes over me to be ultra-responsible. I can be mindful of  times when I gravitate  to the 'Responsible One' role. By  watching myself do it, I can then choose how involved I want to be. Or not.

Being able to make choices is key. I can consider what works best for others and what works best for me. Then I can choose which other road I want to take. By making a choice I feel in control of the situation rather than allowing it to control me.

Our Own Needs Get Lost

Most kids grow up thinking they don't have choices. They feel responsible to hold the family together. And their own needs get lost in the process. They are good candidates for developing into codependent adults who:

- feel our needs don't matter.
- forget they have needs because they are so busy looking after the needs of everyone else.
- get really good at anticipating needs of family members. They are especially adept  at reading others' minds, as well.

Unfortunately, as adults, we get really disappointed when we expect others to be as skilled at reading  our minds. And disappointment feels like rejection. And we know that doesn't feel good.

I'd love to hear your stories about how you deal with over-responsibility. And whether recognizing the ability to make choices can make a difference for you.

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Confessions of an Overly Responsible Personality

January 2010

By Elayne Savage, PhD

People of good will come together in wondrous ways as they respond to disasters like the devastating Haitian earthquake.This outpouring of support and financial aid is a marvelous example of social consciousness.

And yet, there are also lively debates in editorials and by the talking heads questioning  limits of our responsibility to other nations.

So, I've been thinking a lot about personal responsibility.

What does it mean to be personally responsible? What forms can it take? How does it develop? I'm more aware than ever of my long-time tendency to feel overly responsible. Even in every day situations that have little to do with me, I tend to feel responsible and take it to heart. You might say I'm taking it  personally.

There are times as I watch something unpleasant happening to someone. I catch myself thinking, "What could I have done to prevent this from happening?" or even  "Did I do something to cause  this to happen?" 

A reality check with common sense tells me,  "Of course not." And yet, in spite of knowing this, those awful 'shoulds' and 'ought-tos' start creeping in.

I think of all the times I've head sad or bad news and responded with, "I'm sorry." As I think more about it, 'sorry' is an apologetic word. Is this another instance where I'm feeling responsible for the situation when it isn't my fault? Lately I've been more mindful about saying "I'm sorry to hear that" which removes the apology factor.

Thank goodness the thoughts only hang around for a moment or so these days. I remember when they used to consume a great deal of time, space and energy. It didn't take much for me to feel overly responsible for things that happened around me. Without thinking I'd be jumping in to rescue the situation.

Do you, too, find yourself taking on this kind of responsibility? Do you blame yourself and take it personally?

Blaming ourselves is not the same as taking responsibility for our actions  All too often we confuse the two.Taking responsibility is standing on your own two feet. Blaming is leaning on someone else to take responsibility.

You can take responsibility for your response to the event, but the event itself is usually out of your control. It's this out of control feeling that leads to feeling overly responsible.

Feeling Helpless

We often mobilize by rescuing. Somehow rescuing helps us feel like we are in control of an out-of control situation.

So to not feel so helpless. we may take responsibility in a situation.

Some of us learned the rescuing role growing up. Maybe our childhood job description was 'The Responsible One,' 'The Capable One,' 'The Go-between,' 'The Placater,' 'The Mediator,' or 'The Family Translator.'

Truth be told, some of us learned responsibility in inappropriate ways. Boundaries were transgressed. Maybe you were handed the responsibility of caring for younger siblings. Or you started taking care of parents who were supposed to be taking care of you. Or you acted as the go-between. Or you tried to stop the fighting between your parents.

One woman describes jumping up on the coffee table and at the top of her voice reading her 'Happy Family Book' each time her parents started yelling.

We were 'parentified children' who filled up the large, empty spaces in our family.There was no room to be children because we were expected to function as adults. Boundary confusion reigned.

Read more about personal boundaries in "Don't Take It Personally! excerpts from Amazon. Chapter 11 addresses this:
http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Take-Personally-Dealing-Rejection/dp/0595255752/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264392645&sr=8-1#reader_0595255752

and in 'Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple:
http://www.amazon.com/Breathing-Room-Creating-Space-Couple/dp/1572242213/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264483012&sr=8-1#reader_1572242213

Keeping Everyone Safe is a Big Job

Some of us grew up with the idea if we didn't do our job right, our family might fall apart.

We believed everyone depended on us. I've heard many stories from clients about how they would lie in bed in bed at night worrying about how to best take care of everyone, keep them safe and make sure the family ran smoothly day-to-day. What a huge responsibility!

Can you see how being the responsible one in the family contributes to our sense of self worth and becomes our identity? This was how we receive validation and we carry this identity into the outside world.

Sometimes it backfires.

I'm remembering a kindergarten experience when I felt compelled to tell the teacher that a classmate refused to come in from recess. I was worried about her and was sure the teacher would be grateful for this information.

What a shock when my teacher accused me of tattling and told me to mind my own business. I honestly thought it was my business. After all, at home it was my job to be 'the responsible one' and make sure everyone was safe. Even back then I was overdoing the responsibility thing.

Job Descriptions Follow Us Into Adulthood

As we carry this identity into our adult years it  becomes burdensome and leads to some dilemmas:
How responsible should we be for others' well-being?
When does this cross over to being 'too responsible?'
Do we ever have a moral obligation?
An ethical one?
Do we feel responsible because we are really feeling guilty?
What are the personal boundaries here? It's so easy to get confused.
How can we be compassionate yet honor the autonomy of others?
How can we recognize and respect our own comfort level?

Here is what works for me. I make an effort to 'walk alongside myself.' I notice when the urge comes over me to be ultra-responsible. I can be mindful of  times when I gravitate  to the 'Responsible One' role. By  watching myself do it, I can then choose how involved I want to be. Or not.

Being able to make choices is key. I can consider what works best for others and what works best for me. Then I can choose which other road I want to take. By making a choice I feel in control of the situation rather than allowing it to control me.

Our Own Needs Get Lost

Most kids grow up thinking they don't have choices. They feel responsible to hold the family together. And their own needs get lost in the process. They are good candidates for developing into codependent adults who:

- feel our needs don't matter.
- forget they have needs because they are so busy looking after the needs of everyone else.
- get really good at anticipating needs of family members. They are especially adept  at reading others' minds, as well.

Unfortunately, as adults, we get really disappointed when we expect others to be as skilled at reading  our minds. And disappointment feels like rejection. And we know that doesn't feel good.

I'd love to hear your stories about how you deal with over-responsibility. And whether recognizing the ability to make choices can make a difference for you.

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Your Holiday Survival Guide

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
December, 2009
Welcome to the 38th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection®

Your Holiday Survival Guide
By Elayne Savage, PhD

These touchy times foster even touchier overreactions over the holidays.

The stresses of travel, visits with relatives, and dealing with unrealistic expectations and disappointments can lead to holidays disintegrating into low-down battles right before your eyes. The absurdity of it all is like watching a Harold Pinter play.

Theatre of the Absurd

Awkward family situations include: obnoxious relatives, judgments and criticism, and inappropriate, emotionally-loaded discussions about politics or religion.

You can choose not to bite-the-bait that family members toss out.
You can protect yourself from hurtful words and actions.

Here are some tips for handling these stressful holiday dilemmas. How to not be so sensitive. How to not over-react or take things so personally.

Pass the Rejection, Please

- Here is a great way you to take care of yourself at the dinner table. When civility starts getting off track you can always say a simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the kitchen or bathroom, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I want to handle this?”

Perhaps you can apply some of these examples to awkward situations in your family. . .

• Uncle Alex is baiting you again with his political rants. He pulls you in every time. You're embarrassed to find yourself raising your voice to make your point.

- Don't bite the bait. Avoid the fish and the fisherman routine.

- Be direct. Say "Uncle Alex, I can see you feel strongly about your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this subject."

Uncle Alex's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Mom is doing her 'Queen of the Kitchen' number. She insists on using her
salad dressing even though you made a perfectly lovely one. It's almost comical, so why not appreciate the HUMOR in the situation, and laugh it off.

Mom's behavior is another example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Dad is drinking too much again. He’s making comments loudly under
his breath about your weight. It's so humiliating. What do you do?

   - Remember you have CHOICES now. When Dad teased you when you were small, you didn't know how to consider choices. 

  - Now you can remind yourself you don’t have to stay there and take it. You can leave the room gracefully go into the kitchen and get a glass of water while you regain your composure.

  - Consider having a talk with him about it in a sober moment. This will be more
effective than trying to talk to him at the table.

Dad's behavior is an exquisite example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Aunt Sally's unrelenting teasing makes you uncomfortable and self-conscious. She's done this ever since you can remember. She sees your discomfort and goes full steam ahead. "You always were too sensitive," she bellows. You want to crawl under the table and disappear.

   - This is a good time for a deep breath. Maybe several.  Breathing slowly ten times will usually help to take the charge off of the situation.

   - By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.

    - And if you make an effort to thank Aunt Sally when she shows even the slightest interest in you, it reinforces the positive behavior. Maybe she'll even have something nice to say to you again sometime.

Aunt Sally's behavior is a great example of Theatre of the Absurd.

When Feelings Are Too Hot To Handle

By the way, when Aunt Sally says, "You always were too sensitive," she is most likely talking about herself.

This is an example of 'projection' - mistakenly imagining certain traits exist in another person when you cannot acknowledge them in yourself. This is because they are emotionally unacceptable. In other words, features that you attribute to (others) are actually disowned (shadow) parts of yourself.

It’s like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space — for safekeeping.

Unacknowledged feelings include anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness, vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency."

Projection also involves confusion about personal boundaries. I describe how this works in BREATHING ROOM:

"When you get right down to it, confusion about personal boundaries causes big problems in relationships. Having good personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our personal space is unique and separate from the personal space of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."

http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

3 Keys to Civility

- Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to regain your composure. These are all examples of taking 'Time Outs.'

- The bottom line is: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! Remember actions or inactions
that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not about you.

- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can LIKE OR APPRECIATE about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate that feature. When a person sees RESPECT in your eyes, he or she is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.

Works every time!

Wishing you a happy holiday season. Filled with good cheer, friends, good cheer, good food and drink and peace.

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Exploited! - Bamboozled By a Helium Balloon

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
October, 2009

 

Exploited! Bamboozled By a Helium Balloon

By Elayne Savage, PhD

The Balloon Boy story is old news now . . . and you're probably as over-saturated with hearing about the runaway mylar balloon as I am. Yet, I just can't get the story out of my head.

I guess I'm taking it personally. Personal memories started running rampant whenI learned how six year Falcon and his brother were exploited by the parents.

The recent court affidavit states the mother admits the whole saga was a hoax. They knew all along that Falcon was hiding in the residence. The parents instructed their three children to lie to authorities as well as the media.

Exploitation has lots of facets: taking advantage of, using, manipulating, misleading, profiting from, coercing.

Taken Advantage Of at Work

The Balloon Boy saga reminds me of the many disturbing stories I hear as a workplace coach:

- When bosses take advantage of employees

- Or employees take advantage of bosses

- How someone takes credit for a coworker's idea

- Someone pushes work onto another member of the team

- When a manager or co-worker asks someone to 'cover' or even to 'cover up' for them

- Feeling like a 'doormat' because of someone's attitude

- Finding yourself on the receiving end of inappropriate comments or actions

- And you know there's lots more . . .

The bigger your overreaction to these types of actions, the greater the chances you've experienced some form of manipulative, coercive or exploitive behavior in the past.

Taken for Granted By Family or Friends

There are times we feel used by family or friends as well.

You might feel taken for granted when:

- Someone asks for favors, but rarely offers to reciprocate.

- A friend contacts you when they want something. Asking how you are doing seems      like an afterthought.

- A relative borrows money but doesn't return it . . . and they don't return your messages either.

- Your friend is always 25 minutes late for a lunch date, and as the minutes tick by, you feel more and more unimportant. At least that's not quite as bad as your ex-friend who used to totally forget you had a date and not show up at all.

And again, most of us have much less patience for these behaviors when we have a history of experiencing them.

Resentment Builds, Trust Erodes and Future Relationships Suffer

It's hard not to take these things personally. Because they are so hurtful, they feel like injustices and rejections. And if these experiences repeat, resentment builds, trust erodes, and future relationships suffer.

So I've been figuring out why I got so upset by the Balloon Boy hoax. It brings up all the times I've felt taken advantage of. Often it was by people I trusted to protect me. Some of it started in childhood, but it impinges on present  personal and professional situations.

I, too, was glued to the TV mesmerized by the mylar balloon floating over Colorado. I watched as the story of the six year old boy unfolded. I watched as we learned he was not only told to lie low.He was also told to tell a lie.  As I watched him get tangled in the web of deception and exploitation, I was getting sick to my stomach.

No wonder the Balloon Boy vomited while telling his story on two television shows.

This kind of exploitation reminds me of my Child Protective Services days. As you can guess, we heard lots of horrible stories of abusive exploitation of children.  One that got to me the most, however, was the mother who trained her four year old daughter to crawl under restaurant tables, remove billfolds from purses, and bring them back to mom's table.

Watching the Balloon Boy hoax I  was getting pretty upset. The family perpetrated a hoax on the media. The media bit the bait and perpetrated a hoax on the rest of us. I felt swindled. Duped. Bamboozled.

Maybe I was getting upset remembering the how that little girl was coerced to steal billfolds. Maybe I began reliving my own growing up experiences with a stage mother mom who pushed me to perform. She was the one with long-time stage ambitions and visions of fame. It wasn't me. I just wanted to be a kid.

"Hit a Home Run for Me!"

This is a good example of vicarious parenting. It is a form of exploitation - coercion is often involved. The sad result is a rejection of the child's authentic identity.

In 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' I write:
    "When parents try to live their lives vicariously through their children . . . some  confusion about personal boundaries, they don’t know where they stop and where someone else begins. Vicariousness is often a form of coercion. Children often feel pushed beyond their comfortable limits, but are afraid to say “no” to a parent.

    Vicarious parents encourage their children to meet their own unmet goal — vocationally, religiously, or romantically. Or they urge the children to live out their own unfulfilled dreams by being the “performer” the parents never quite became—in school, on the stage, on the playing field.

    These parents see their children’s performance in life as a reflection of their own     competence. If the children do well, the parents feel like good parents, successful parents. If the children     fall below expectations, the parents feel inadequate and shamed. Then the children are often made to feel inadequate and shamed. The children may lose their sense of self, trading “self” for service to the parents."

Sometimes parents or grandparents want to 'shine' in the eyes of other relatives, coworkers, or friends. They brag about a child's accomplishments to look good. One women told me that her dad bragged  about her art talent to all the relatives. Yet never once did he tell her directly that he was proud of her work.

Bragging Rights

The following is a pretty subtle form of exploitation, but I hear stories about it all the time.   The child is made to feel incompetent so the parent can feel more useful. This behavior sometimes continues into adulthood as well.

Again from 'Don't Take It Personally!':

    “My mom seemed to be waiting for me to mess up so she could step in  and     rescue me,” remembers Georgia. “Sometimes she’d ask me to do chores around the house that were too difficult for me. Then she’d step in and  show me ‘how to do it better . . . . and take over." Georgia did the same when she grew up, taking over for her husband, then chiding him for being 'helpless'". Hmmm. Wonder where she learned that!

I've mentioned before that 20 years ago I served on a National Task Force on Psychological Maltreatment. Exploiting/Corrupting is one of the categories we defined:    
    "Encouraging child to develop self-destructive, antisocial, criminal, deviant, or other     maladaptive behaviors (This includes micromanaging the child’s life, encouraging     developmentally inappropriate drug-related or sexual behavior, or interfering with appropriate     autonomy or cognitive development. It also includes using the child as a pawn in divorce     proceedings.)"

And back to the Balloon Boy: Coercing the child to lie to protect the parents is surely a maladaptive behavior. And it has long term effects on our view of the world and the people in it.

Tips for When You Feel Taken Advantage Of

Here are some tips for dealing with an inequitable situation.
This happens to be a workplace example,but you can most likely
adjust it for a personal situation.

Step One:  Describe the behavior in observable, non-blaming terms. "I've been noticing that I seem to be getting the more time-consuming jobs assigned to our team." (This frames the interaction from your own perception in a way that the other person feels less defensive and less likely to argue.)

 

Step Two:   Describe how you felt about the action.  "I get upset (hurt, angry, upset, confused) that it seems so uneven lately.

Step Three:  Describe how you explained the action to yourself. For example, "When I get these complicated assignments, it does not feel fair." (Note: In certain appropriate personal situations you might want to add how the behavior re-creates old messages from childhood. "This is the same situation as when my older sister used to give me the jobs she didn't want to do." Use this step selectively  only in situations where it feels safe. Probably not with most  coworkers or bosses.)

Step Four:   Describe how you would like the interaction to go next time. "In the future I need to know that assignments are being made equitably. This will do a lot to enhance everyone's productivity."

When have you felt taken advantage of? What do you remember about it? How it has affected your subsequent relationships or situations. I'd love to hear your experiences.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

All Frenzied Up - A Look at Mob Mentality

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
August, 2009

 

IN THIS ISSUE
1. All Frenzied Up - A Look at Mob Mentality 
2. So Exactly What is Mob Behavior?
3. Witnessing Mob Mentality First Hand
4.  F.E.A.R. = 'False Exaggerations Appearing Real'
5. The Mob Mentality Morass
6.  Contacting Elayne
7.  Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

All Frenzied Up - A Look at Mob Mentality
by Elayne Savage, PhD

I don't scare easily. But when fear is dished out daily, it's hard not to want to protect myself from the onslaught.

I feel ganged up on. Clobbered. Pummeled. So much information and misinformation is being hurled at me. If I believed everything I heard, I might be scared to death.

There are so many threats being thrown about: How the government is trying to "kill granny." (Hey, that's ME!) That Medicare could be taken away. That I'll have to go before a 'death panel' and be told I have to end my life because I’m not productive enough (or something.)

Truth be told, this last threat hits home. But how did they ever discover my secret fear? How could they know I've been concerned about my productivity of late?  Let's face it, some days I'm not writing as much as I'd like. And I get embarrassed every time someone asks, "Where IS that third book?? And I, too, wonder why I'm not working harder to secure more speaking engagements? 

How did they ever discover that I'm turning into such a slacker? Sheesh. If I'm not careful, I'll soon be taking their threats personally!

The outrageousness of these threats might even be seen as comical. But they are far too scary to be funny.  What frightens me most is the viciousness of the mob behavior at the Town Hall meetings. The outbursts verging on hysteria. The misplaced anger. The hyperbole. The spewing forth of toxic rhetoric.

It rattles me to the core.

So Exactly What is Mob Behavior?

Here are dictionary definitions for 'mob.'
- A disorderly or riotous crowd of people.
- A group of persons stimulating one another to excitement and losing ordinary rational control over their activity.

Social Psychologists define two basic types of mob behavior.
- Contagion theory holds that the energy exchange and anonymity of being in a crowd causes people to act in a certain way.
- Convergence theory holds that like-minded people (people who wish to act a certain way) converge to form crowds.

It just crossed my mind that definitions of 'terrorism' and 'terrorist' fit here as well:

Terrorism:
- The use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.
- The state of fear and submission produced by terrorism or terrorization.
- A terroristic method of governing or of resisting a government

Terrorist:
- A person, usually a member of a group, who uses or advocates terrorism.
- A person who terrorizes or frightens others.

Hmmmm. Writing this is bringing back some unpleasant memories . . .

Witnessing Mob Mentality First Hand
 

 

I witnessed mob mentality first hand many years ago when I was a Child Welfare worker for the City and County of San Francisco. We initiated a planned work stoppage to make a point that we deserved a raise. Or more benefits. Or something like that.

Feelings ran high. The flames of indignation were fanned. The workers got all frenzied up. Some behavior became aggressive and unruly.

I watched helplessly as normally responsible and reasonable social workers became disrespectful, disruptive and irrational. Jekyll and Hyde-like they turned on anyone who did not agree with their stance. Suddenly everything became 'us' vs. 'them,' 'good and bad,' 'right and wrong.' The polarization was intense. They threatened, they bullied, they intimidated.

I watched as social workers flung themselves in front of municipal buses to prevent them from rolling. There were ugly shouting matches when picket signs weren't honored. Fury and viciousness were unleashed. It was out of control and scary.

Although I didn't support the tactics, I did support the cause. I agreed to leaflet the commuter bus station. I naively walked up to a queued of passengers and handed out flyers. A few folks got upset. One man suggested, "Miss, you just  cannot push information at people. You should hold it out and let them take it."

In those days I took everything personally. As I listened to his words I felt chastised, dismissed and rejected. Later I understood what a valuable gift this was! Thanks, Mister, for taking the time to teach me such a valuable life lesson on honoring respect and personal boundaries of others.

F.E.A.R. = 'False Exaggerations Appearing Real'

These surely are scary times. Many of us are leery of all the unknowns. Change is a huge unknown. And this uneasiness breeds fear. For many of us, the idea of change rocks our comfort level.

In the e-letters of March and April of this year I wrote about Fear, Anger, Outrage and Change.  Little did I dream how relevant these musings would be today. Little did I imagine the Town Hall meetings would disintegrate into such chaos.  I had no clue how these uprisings could possibly instill so much fear. Or how the media would pounce and inflate.

Little did I dream how out of control and hysterical folks would become. The flames of fear were fanned and populist rage exploded.

This nation has become so fragmented and polarized. What has become of the idea of  "one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all?"

F.E.A.R. is often described as 'False Exaggerations Appearing Real.' In other words, all too often fear arises through the prism of our misperceptions.

In March 2009 I wrote about 'Fear, Anger and Outrage.'

http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2009/03/index.html

In April 2009 I wrote 'Don't Fear Change. Change Fear.'

http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2009/04/index.html

In these pieces I define rage as 'anger with a history.' "Rage is an emotion beyond anger. The way I see it, anger relates to something happening in the present and reflects “now” feelings. By contrast, rage arises from overwhelming, sometimes unbearable feelings from the past.

These strong feelings arise from perceived mistreatment at the hands of others. Perceived injustices. Betrayals. Disappointments and Loss."

"Most often when you scratch the surface of anger, you'll find fear . . . Fear and anger are connected emotions . . . When we are faced with a stressful situation, we respond in one of two ways. By fear or anger. We can see the connection between fear and anger in aggressive behaviors.

The bully is a good example. The bully puffs him or herself up because underneath that tough exterior lies fear and vulnerability."

I wrote how fear has been galloping through this country at breakneck speed. Following the horrific attacks of 9-11, The Politics of Fear erupted, playing to our fears and anxieties. Terrorism. Anthrax scares. Gay Marriage. Immigrants. Disease epidemics. The Economy. And now Health Care and a new president who happens to be Black.

A culture of fear has been permeating and fraying the fabric of our country. Fear is in the air and it's contagious. And we feel vulnerable. Helpless. A small voice asks, "What's going to happen to me?"

I wrote these two e-letters several months ago. I didn't dream how the recent frenzy of fear and rage would make them even more relevant now.

http://00queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/29/03/index.html
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2009/04/index.html

The Mob Mentality Morass

Let's talk more about Mob Mentality. Social Psychologists prefer to use the terms 'crowd hysteria' or 'herd behavior' (think 'stampede.') The definition of 'stampede is " a sudden frenzied rush of panic-stricken animals. "

When humans are caught up in similar panicky situations, we too can be swept along with the tide of mob hysteria. Even though it may be against their better judgment. All too often mob behavior develops a life of its own, spinning out of control.
Like my social worker colleagues, folks with normally decent values may become infected with mob hysteria.

At these times mob participants lose their sense of self.

They become submerged in the group. They lose their personal boundaries. With the loss of this sense of separateness and individuality, comes loss of principles, personal integrity, and sense of responsibility.

In other words, they lose their moral compass.

Many factors can contribute to mob behavior. Here are a few:

- When people feel invisible, dismissed, not listened to or heard, they may react by puffing themselves up bigger than life and participate in mob behavior. By raising their voices and shouting out their fears, they know they are heard.

- If they feel economic opportunities are passing them by, they may be inclined to band together with others who feel the same.

- Mobs tend to view the recipients of their rage as objects rather than real people.

- There's a certain sense of security in the anonymity of a large group. It gives permission to say and do things they would not ordinarily do.

You can probably tell I've been pretty disturbed by these recent out of control happenings. It has helped me a lot to pull together some ideas and thoughts, put them in order to make some sense of it all, and share them with you.

I'd love to hear YOUR thoughts on the subject  . . .

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

"Don't Fear Change. Change Fear"

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
April, 2009

IN THIS ISSUE
 1.  A Night of Calming the Columbine Fears
 2.  The Culture of Fear
 3.  Fear Is in the Air and It's Contagious.
 4. "What's going to happen to me?"
 5.  Reaching Out
 6.  Respecting Different Coping Styles
 7.  Tips for Coping with Fear
 8. Unblocking Your Energy and Moving It Around
 9.  "Don't Fear Change. Change Fear"
10. Contacting Elayne
11. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

"Don't Fear Change. Change Fear"
By Elayne Savage, PhD

This week marks the 10th anniversary of the killings at Columbine High School in Littleton, CO. Twelve students and a teacher were killed.

Students Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris did the killing. They felt taunted, teased and ostracized by peers for 'being different.'  They reportedly joked about seeking revenge for these injustices.

A friend says, "They were tired of those who were insulting them, harassing them. They weren’t going to take this anymore, and they wanted to stop it."

And so they did. On April 20, 1999, they armed themselves with shotguns, handguns and a semi-automatic. They tormented and killed twelve classmates and a teacher. Twenty-five more were wounded.

A Night of Calming the Columbine Fears

On that April day, long into the night and into the morning, I was on the air with the host of a Denver radio program. Together we tried to try to help residents make sense of the tragedy. To help them deal with the overwhelming anguish. To listen to their fears.

Callers jammed the phone lines, desperate to understand what happened in their community that morning. Why did it happen? How did it happen? And they wondered: "What will become of us?" 

Fear.

The radio host wanted me to stay on with him for another hour or two. I just couldn't. After almost five hours I was emotionally spent. Listening to the fear in everyone's voices hour after hour was too much for me. I was numb.

This experience shook me to my core. And ten years later, I'm still deeply affected.

The Culture of Fear

Since the time of that tragedy, fear has been galloping through this country at breakneck speed.

The horrific attacks of 9-11 occurred two years later, and The Politics of Fear erupted, playing to our fears and anxieties. Terrorism. Anthrax scares. Gay Marriage. Immigrants. Disease epidemics. And now, the Economy. A culture of fear has been permeating and fraying the fabric of our country. And we feel vulnerable. Helpless.

Fear is a hot item on the airwaves, bandwidth and print. With each tragedy, natural disaster, series of killings and acts of terror, the fear quotient gets ramped up.

The art of instilling fear is reaching new highs. Sometimes I imagine a scenario where media folk and politicians attend fear-mongering school to learn how to talk it up to its best advantage. The evening news provides us with a regular dose of catastrophe. If there is a crime or drug or disaster story, it leads the newscast. As the saying goes, "If it bleeds, it leads!"

Whether or not you agree with Michael Moore's motivation in 'Bowling for Columbine,' the 2002 film makes some important points about how fear dominates society in the US. He theorizes that fear leads to using guns to settle disputes in this country.

When this film was made there were 7 million guns to 10 million households in Canada yet there were 151 people shot and killed in Canada compared to 11,798 in the US. Rates for Japan, England, Australia and Switzerland were all under 100. Germany was 373.

Here is a section of film dialogue describing why many Canadians feel safe enough to leave their doors unlocked:

    When we lock the door, we're
    imprisoning ourselves inside . . .

    I have family that lives
    in the States.

    They used to live in Canada
             
    And it's so different.
    They get afraid more easily.

    Canada's more just, like,
    "Let's negotiate,
    let's work something out."

    Where the States is,
    "We'll kill you and that'll be the end of that."

Fear Is in the Air and It's Contagious

In the seven years since the release of 'Bowling for Columbine,' fear seems to be even more built into the culture. It used to be we would go from one traumatic event to another. In between our fears and anxieties would subside - until the next tragedy occurred.

It is different now. Fear is in the air and it's contagious. It's been a bumpy ride and most of us are scared. Dazed. Numbed. Stunned. Immobilized. We go to bed scared and we wake up scared. 

Apprehension touches people around us – family, friends and colleagues. One person catches it from another, like a bad cold or mean flu. The anxiety that results can lead to a kind of paralysis. It's hard to think or act.

There's something else in the air. Let's call it helplessness and uncertainty. When these fears are rooted in childhood experiences, a child-like fright takes over.

Childhood fear was usually connected to some kind of loss. Perhaps your childhood friend moved away. Or you transferred to another school across town or to another state. Or an older brother or sister went away to school, leaving a void in your heart.

Maybe it felt like you lost a parent for a while if there was a separation or divorce. Or if there was a serious illness in your family. Or if someone important to you died.

These cumulative experiences affect how you cope with present losses.

What's Going to Happen to Me?

A small voice asks, "What's going to happen to me?"

When we are all grown up, but again feeling scared and insecure, we may find ourselves asking the same question. And needing reassurance.

This point is worth remembering. As a child or young adults you may have experienced setbacks that seemed overwhelming at the time. You had not yet accumulated the life experience to know that it's not the end of the world. Things do get better. In the midst of present day misfortunes, it's worth reminding yourself that things will get better again.

As a workplace coach and psychotherapist I'm hearing lots of stories about the impact of the economy. Tensions are great. Stress is rampant. Relationships are suffering. And fear is dominating people's lives.

Loss is the theme in just about every conversation: Loss of jobs, Loss of income. Loss of homes. Loss of savings. Loss of routine. Loss of independence. Loss of security. And with all of this comes Loss of identity and well-being and self-esteem.

And again, the small voice asks, "What's going to happen to me?"

What a lonely feeling fear can be. Your tendency may be to retreat and suffer in silence. At times like these it can be difficult to make yourself
connect with others. It helps to reach out.

Reaching Out

Can you connect with others to talk about these losses and fears? A partner or friend is ideal. A counselor, coach or psychotherapist is another good option. Social networking and forums work, too.

Can you put words to your worries and fears? Then hear yourself say the words out loud. Even if you write in a journal, read your words out loud to yourself. Yes, out loud.  It makes all the difference.

When pressure is building it needs to go somewhere. If we don't talk out our feelings, we act them out.

Acting out is one way of releasing tension. It takes many forms. Some of us pick fights, antagonize, fly into rages, or slam doors. Or we might engage in excessive behaviors.

But acting out is not always active. It can be passive as well, such as foot-dragging, “yes, butting,” sulking, and giving someone the silent treatment.

All of these behaviors are ways we deal with the anxiety that builds when we’re not able to put words to our feelings, worries and fears.

Respecting Different Coping Styles

Talking to your partner or friend is a good idea, however sometimes it doesn't work too well. What if you don’t feel supported by the other person? What if you both have different ways of handling upsetting situations? What if you have different coping styles? What if you feel the other person doesn’t understand you?

We all have different ways of dealing with stress, anxiety, and fear. We learn our coping skills (or lack of them) from our family and cultural experiences.

- One person may withdraw, experiencing a kind of paralysis, while the other person mobilizes and becomes over-active.

- Another may cocoon, preferring alone time, while the other needs to increase their contact with others.

- Sometimes one is less inclined to talk about feelings and the other talks so much that it's hard to listen anymore.

If either of you feels discounted, you're most likely feeling rejected. Before you know it, someone is taking something personally. Feelings get hurt.

Unless both of you can respect each others individual styles, misunderstandings and hurt can lead to anger and resentment. Resentment takes up so much space in relationships that there's barely room for connection. And connection is what's so important now.

Tips for Coping with Fear

Truth be told, we often put much more energy into avoiding fear than we do in dealing with it. Would you like some practical ideas for managing fear?

- Give yourself permission to be afraid. Say out loud what your worst fear is. Put a name to it. Talk it out with someone if possible.

- 'Walk alongside yourself.' Gain some distance from the situation to see it more clearly. Try separating the “now” of the present moment from the “then” of unpleasant childhood experiences. This frees you up from becoming overwhelmed by your feelings.

 - This objectivity allows you to choose to make a different response.

- Make a plan. This provides structure and reassurance. And being pro-active helps balance the feeling of helplessness that can creep in.
-
 - Know that your partner, friends or colleagues may deal with fear differently than you. Don’t compare. Honor the differences rather than feel threatened by them.

And in case you missed it, the March 2009 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection' e-letter has more tips on dealing with fear (loss and anger, too.)
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2009/03/index.html

Unblocking Your Energy and Moving It Around

These ideas from my first book, 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' may be helpful:

Visualize a honeycomb. The energy takes the form of warm, thick, sweet, amber-colored liquid, constantly moving through the interconnected tunnels.  As the energy flows, a wondrous transformation takes place. Notice how the negative messages of childhood take on new qualities as they flow from space to space. 

As the energy changes from life-depleting to life-sustaining, it provides sustenance, allowing room for your needs and wants, and encouraging clear boundaries. Then the energy develops new vitality, permitting choices and enhancing good communication.  And it keeps on moving, flowing. Moving and flowing.

Do you find yourself feeling like a scared little child, sitting paralyzed on the sofa, for hours or days?  Maybe it seems like you've been living in a cartoon. Things don't seem real to you, you're not a part of time.  Sometimes I feel like that myself.

When you're feeling helpless, afraid, immobilized, dazed, numbed, or stunned. When it becomes hard to think or act. Try to move. 

Move your fingers or your toes, or your body. Try to get that energy flowing. Once you do even a small amount of movement you are no longer stuck. 

If you can remember to move your finger back and forth, then your arm, you have just made a choice to reconnect with your body. Self-soothing works here too. By gently stroking your hand or your arm or your shoulder, you activate energy.

Try pressing the thumb of one hand into the palm of the other. Apply enough pressure to bring yourself back to consciousness, and to your feelings. You have just brought time back into the picture.

Once you create options for yourself, you don't feel so paralyzed. Once you open up a little, and let the energy flow, you'll be tapping in to a sense of your power.

Watch the energy spread, growing into self-acceptance and creativity. Marvel at how it fills you with a new experience of yourself and new ways of relating to others.

"Don't Fear Change. Change Fear"

Morphizm.com reviews film, music and culture. It's a cool site that gets it right when it proclaims: "Don't Fear Change. Change Fear."

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs  

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

"Well, Bully, Bully for You" - In Politics, The Workplace, With Peers

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
August, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1. "Well, Bully, Bully for You" - In Politics, The Workplace,
    With Peers
2. Facing off with the Blackberries
3. 'Bullying Takes Twisted Turn for the Worse'
4. Memories of 'The Original Humiliation'
5. The 'Code of the Streets'
6. Bully-Busting Tips
7. Contacting Elayne
8. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

"Well, Bully, Bully for You" - In Politics, The Workplace, With Peers
By Elayne Savage, PhD

OK, so this August e-letter is just under the wire. They don't 
call me 'under-the-wire-Elayne' for nothing. No excuses though.
Nor am I  going to give myself a hard time about it. That would
be self-bullying.  That's not good. I choose, instead, to be
compassionate. With myself.

I guess I have bullying on my mind these days. I know I just
wrote about workplace bullying last month.

Everywhere I turn I hear bully stories. I hear the stories from my
coaching, consultation and psychotherapy clients. I hear the
stories from workshop participants when I present a program.

Bullying stories are all around me in surround sound. Work
related, school-based, Internet-aided.

On  top of all this, there are the amplified attacks on the
political campaign trail. Bully behavior.

Each time I hear a new story or read about the latest political
barb, it reminds me how devastating a bullying experience can be.
How deeply it penetrates. How powerful an effect it can have for
years to come. Even one bad experience. Especially in childhood.

You've probably guessed I was one of those bullied children.

Facing off with the Blackberries

Something happened the other day which brought me face to face
with the memory of those old hurts. I had a surreal encounter
with a blackberry bush in my back yard. I was stretching for that
just out of reach cluster of ripe berries. And stretching. Deeper
and deeper into the thicket.

Before I knew it, the brambles wrapped around me. Tighter and
tighter. The thorns tore my skin. It was pretty scary. The
tendrils took on a life of their own.

I was in their clutches and couldn't escape. "How can this be
happening to me?"

I felt  'caught' and helpless. Not too different from that
powerless feeling of getting bullied. I wasn't taking very good
care of myself to get into this situation. Much like the times I
got bullied as a child. I walked right into it.

I managed to extricate myself but not without causing lots of
damage.

Yes, I understand bullying. I'm often interviewed about how
bullying is a form of rejection, how easy it is to take it
personally and how it affects self-esteem.

'Bullying Takes Twisted Turn for the Worse'

Recently I was interviewed by Regan McMahon for a really
informative piece on childhood bullying. It appeared on the front
page of the Sunday SF Chronicle on 8/17/08.

It's well worth reading and has great resources. Here's the link: 

http://tinyurl.com/665ru4

Memories of 'The Original Humiliation'

With each bully story I hear, with each interview I give, I am
transported back to 'The Original Humiliation.' It was that awful
incident on the Langdon School playground in Washington, D.C.
when I was mortified in front of everyone on the playground.
I was 5 years old.

I describe this experience in my first book DON'T TAKE IT
PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION:

http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

"One day as I walked into school, onto the playground, the cutest boy in class came bounding up to me. He asked if he could walk me across the playground. (Me?) I was so excited--all the girls would

see me walking with him.

Then as we walked together, he asked if he could hold my hand.
(Hold my hand?) He chose me to walk with, he chose me to talk to,
he chose me to hold hands with. I was in heaven. Then suddenly I
felt a terrible sharp pain in my thumb, and he ran off.

I looked down at my thumbnail. It was bloody. He'd dug his
fingernail into my cuticle. It only took a split second for me
to go from feeling special to feeling humiliated. And besides
that, it really hurt.

It's said that we develop an image of who we are by the way we're
treated by others. If others treat us with respect, we feel
cherished and come to think of ourselves as loveable. If we're
treated with scorn, we feel reviled, and come to think of
ourselves as unlovable. When peer relationships are destructive,
scars form--that are not easily healed.

As you may have guessed, the memory of the playground incident
didn't just evaporate. It affected my ability to trust others
for many years to come.

For the longest time I kept wondering why that boy didn't like
me, what I might have done to cause him to do that to me. I'll
bet that boy had no idea he'd have such a profound influence on
my future social development."

The 'Code of the Streets'

We learn the rules of behavior on our neighborhood streets.
Respect is the essence of this "code of the streets."
Who doesn't yearn to be accorded esteem?

You learn the hard way that you're nothing without respect and
you do what it takes to get it.  On some streets this means
showing off by being the brightest, most clever or most cunning.
On other streets this means developing a talent for "dissing"
others by tough talk, bullying or aggressive behaviors. You
learn the importance of "saving face."

Growing up in DC, I was confused by how the 'lines in the sand'
got drawn in my neighborhood. One morning I'd be playing with
the girl next door. That afternoon her older brother would
threaten to beat me up.

Later the parents would lean over the row house railing and
spit on my front porch. . Did I take it personally? You bet I
did. What a bewildering and rejecting growing up experience for
a child. Bully behavior.

These were tough lessons, but I did learn from them well enough
to share my lessons with you.

Bully-Busting Tips

Here, again, are my tips for handling bullies (from the 'Don Imus
the Schoolyard Bully' e-letter:

http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/04/index.html 

10 TIPS FOR BULLY-BUSTING
If you find yourself on the receiving end of bullying, remind
yourself:

    - The bully is most likely not feeling very good about him
      or herself. In fact, he or she is probably feeling
      insecure, anxious, hurting, ineffectual, or vulnerable.
          Maybe all of the above.

    - When the bully inflates him or herself, this takes up a
      lot of space. Your space. Stand your ground and keep your
      space so you won't so easily deflate and feel diminished.

    - The best defense against a bully is taking action - any kind
      of action.

    - FIRMLY tell the person that his or her behavior is not
      acceptable. Ask them to stop immediately.

    - Try to separate the "then" from the "now." Remember if you
      find yourself overreacting, early rejection messages might
      be involved here.                          

    - Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Remind yourself
      that teasing is bullying and bullies are feeling neither
      good about themselves nor powerful in that moment. When
      they bully, they are only puffing themselves up to feel
      more powerful.

    - Practice speaking up about your feelings instead of
      harboring hurt and resentment. For example, "I heard you
      say "________________." 
      When you said that it felt like
      you were teasing. Even if you didn't intend it, I found
      myself getting confused and upset.  I hope our future
      exchanges can be free of that."

    - Take a deep breath and set your personal boundaries. Then
      state your position clearly.

    - You can allow them space to vent and express
      frustration. However, you do not have to let them become
      abusive. If they do, you can firmly remind them that their
      behavior is not acceptable.

    - And remember, the best way to get someone to give YOU
      respect is to show respect to them. Think about something
      you can appreciate about the other person. It can be
      something inconsequential. Maybe their choice of colors,
      their laugh, their eyes. Then concentrate on the something.
      They'll see respect in your eyes and just maybe it'll come
      right back at ya.

You can read more on bullying and how to handle it from my
March 2008 e-letter: 'Take Those Miserable Middle School
Memories . . . Please'

http://tinyurl.com/639zgq

The long-term effects of bullying are evident by the many of
Internet responses to the SF Chronicle Bullying article. And by
the emails I received. Lots of folks described how the article
reawakened memories of earlier experiences - often from
childhood. Memories that replay again and again in their adult
lives. Mostly affecting trust.

© 2008 Elayne Savage, PhD

You don't have to keep re-living painful memories.
Especially when they might be interfering with present day
professional or personal relationships.
Contact me to see if a consultation could be helpful to you.

'Til next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions
for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential. I
will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Elayne Savage

Rejection Letters – Handling or Mishandling?

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION™
April 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1.  Rejection Letters - Handling or Mishandling
2.  Your First Rejection Letter Most Likely Won't Be Your Last
3.  Putting on the Pressure
4.  Confusing Boundary Confusion
5.  Confused Vicarious Parents
6.  Elayne Meets 'The Saint'
7.  Letting Parents Down
8.  Tips for Dealing with Rejection Letters
9.  Contacting Elayne 
10. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

REJECTION LETTERS - HANDLING OR MISHANDLING?
By Elayne Savage, PhD 

I participated in some media interviews recently that shook me up a bit. One was on bullies and bullying behavior for the San Francisco Chronicle. The other was an interview for Forbes.com on handling college rejection letters.

Participating in both of these interviews reminded me how most of us have to deal with these kinds of rejections throughout our lives.

Take the bully situation. My first being bullied experience was on the school playground. I was in kindergarten. I've been dealing with toxic people and bullies ever since. Not only do I live it. I also see it every day in my coaching and psychotherapy practices. And there's a reason my Dealing with Difficult People Workshop is so popular.

I've written about bullying in past "Tips from The Queen of Rejection e-letters:
Last month (March 2008): http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2008/03/take-those-mise.html

April 2007 http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/04/index.html

and May 2007
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/05/index.html

Your First Rejection Letter Most Likely Won't Be Your Last

Rejection letters are not only from college admission offices. You'll probably have to deal with rejection letters more than once in your life. Maybe from a job application, from a boss turning down your pay raise request, from the decision maker about a project you've proposed, or even from a gallery, editor or casting director.

The Forbes.com piece on handling college rejection letters is timely for sure. This is the month college acceptance or rejection letters go out. This is the time when everyone in the household is waiting and hoping for the arrival of a fat envelope from the longed for college. You know. Fat. Fat enough to contain all the forms to fill out that come with news of an acceptance.

But what if a thin envelope shows up in the mailbox instead? Thin enough to contain that one page rejection form letter.  How does the applicant deal with the disappointment?  How do other family members react?

And for that matter, who is more disappointed, the student or the family?

Hana Alberts, a reporter at Forbes.com, does a terrific job covering the college rejection letter issue.

Follow the links here to view the articles:

http://tinyurl.com/5ckqy

http://tinyurl.com/6cbck3

Note that Forbes did a series on college rejection so there are other links as well.

The Forbes reporter and I discussed struggles parents and students have during the application process. We talked about ways the rejected teen can handle the situation.

We also talked about the parents' tendency to become overly invested in the outcome.

Putting on the Pressure

If parents have their hearts set on a certain college for their child, they may put on the pressure. That particular school may not be the right fit at all for the student. Yet the parent pushes for it. And pushes and pushes.

What if the student feels pushed beyond their comfortable limits? What if they are unable or afraid to say "no?"  This is when continued pressure can feel coercive.

Why does this pushing occur? Some parents don't know how to separate their own needs from those of their children. Sometimes parents get confused about what is best for their kids. Instead, it becomes about what is best for the parent.

Confusing Boundary Confusion

For the sake of definition, let's call this type of confusion: confusion of personal boundaries.

The parents' needs overshadow the child's needs. The student loses his or her sense of identity by trying so hard to please parents, not wanting to let them down.

The student might feel like a non-person with no needs. Feeling like a non-person is a bit like feeling invisible. Like you don't count. Feeling discounted equals feeling rejected.

There are lots of situations where parents' boundary confusion occurs. The "hit-a-home-run-for-me" parent makes the softball game about him or herself. Their child's home run is their home run.

The stage-mom mom (or dad) takes on their child's stage triumph as their own. And they take it personally if their offspring flubs a line or misses a cue.

Confused Vicarious Parents

Parents of college applicants get caught up in this mushy boundary web as well. Their child's acceptance becomes their acceptance. A rejection is experienced as if it were the parent's own rejection.

Again, for the sake of definition let's call this type of parent: 'vicarious parent.'
And for the sake of being fair, parents are usually not aware of the vicarious nature of their interactions with their children.

American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language defines 'vicarious' as: Felt or undergone as if one were taking part in the experience or feelings of another

Dictionary.com Unabridged says: Performed, exercised, received, or suffered in place of another

Parents who tend to live vicariously through their children are usually a bit unclear about where they stop and their child begins. They encourage their children to achieve in a way that meets the parent's own unmet goals. And the goal is sometimes not realistic for the child at all. Instead it's the parents' unfulfilled dreams that they urge their child to carry out.

These kinds of dreams often propel parents to follow their own agendas, without regard for the best interest of the child. It's often about the 'performer' the parent had hopes of becoming: on the playing field, on the stage, in school.

When you get right down to it, the child might feel dismissed, disregarded or even discarded. Each of these feels like a rejection. And they are.

Here's how I describe vicarious parenting in 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection'

"These parents see their children’s performance in life as a reflection of their own competence. If the children do well, the parents feel like good parents, successful parents. If the children fall below expectations, the parents feel inadequate and shamed. Then the children are often made to feel inadequate and shamed.

The children may lose their sense of self, trading 'self' for service to the parents."

http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

It's the on the stage part that I'm most familiar with. My mother wanted me to be the star she never became. From the time I was very young, she pushed me into the spotlight. Sometimes I didn't want to go. But I didn't dare say no.

Elayne Meets 'The Saint '

My mother's first big push to make me a star was when I was 6 years old. I remember it was my birthday party. My friends and I were eating ice cream and cake when the phone rang. It was for me.

A man from the Washington Post asked to speak to me. "Congratulations little girl. Your poem just won our big contest for the new comic strip, “The Saint. Your prize is to read it on the radio."

I was very confused. I didn't know what he was talking about. I didn't know anything about a contest. I didn’t write any poem.

But my mother knew all about it. She wrote the poem. Making it sound as if six year old might write it. And she didn't tell me. She just sent it to the newspaper.

How was I going to read the poem on the radio? I couldn't read very well. Her answer was to make me memorize it. Every night after dinner I stood in front of my mother practicing the poem. She's say each line and I'd repeat after her. Again. And again.

I'll never forget the poem I didn't write: 

'I like to read the Post each day
To see what The Saint has to say.
His deeds and actions thrill me most,
That’s why I like to read the Post.'

The words were drilled into my head. Day after day. There was some very serious drilling during the long streetcar ride across town to the radio station.

At the studio all the gleaming microphones overwhelmed me. The booming voice of the show host made me nervous. I stood in front of the microphone, feeling like a fraud, pretending I wrote the poem. And scared to death.

The time arrived to say my poem.
I messed up. I forgot the words.

My parents were embarrassed. No, that really doesn't describe it. They were mortified. All their friends and relatives had tuned in to the station that afternoon. And their 'big star' daughter messed up and let them down big time.

Letting Parents Down

Over the years this same scenario replayed following dance recitals and plays. They would be especially upset with me when their friends or relatives were in the audience. Each time I’d see that disappointed look on my mother’s face. Each time I felt like I could never be good enough. Each time I felt let her down.

And that brings us back to the college rejection situation. When that too-thin envelope shows up in the mail, students sometimes feel that they have let their parents down.

So many people are waiting to see what the college admissions office decides. The student, the parents, the school counselor, relatives, friends. It isn't just the applicant's disappointment. It's shouldering the expectations and disappointments of what must feel like the whole world.

Waiting for a decision from colleges brings on another family situation. How do they deal with anxiety? Everyone has anxiety while waiting, but here boundary confusion again enters in. During stressful situations anxious feelings can get passed around from person to person.

For example, the parent might be experiencing memories of past rejections or disappointments. As the tension builds the teen may be absorbing their parent's fears and anxiety.

This situation is similar to the exchange of anxiety that occurs in some families on the first day of preschool or kindergarten. The child's own nervousness increases as it becomes a reflection of the parent's anxieties.

For example let's say that the parent is re-experiencing their own difficult "first day" at school. And the child picks up the tension. When this happens, they are not just dealing with their own worries but with their parent's worries as well.

Tips for Dealing with Rejection Letters:

• Remind yourself it's not personal. Colleges (or potential employers, or meeting planners or galleries are looking for a fit. It's something like auditioning for a play you long to be cast in. And even thought you know you are talented and terrific, you don't get the role. An actor I know reminds herself that not getting a part is no reflection on her talent. She has a placard on her office wall that reminds her:  'It's selection, not rejection.'

• Both parents and teens would do well to try to try to keep personal boundaries straight. To understand what feelings belong to whom. What goals belong to who. And what disappointments belong to whom. Passing feelings and anxiety around the family only adds another layer of tension to the situation.

• Labeling and expressing feelings of rejection and disappointment helps you to deal with the loss. And it IS a loss.

• Try hard to see that there is a future after rejection. Remind yourself that making good grades and transferring is always possible. If your choice of career needs graduate school, remind yourself that the graduate school attended makes undergraduate college have less far less importance.

• And again, here are the 8 Tips from 8 Experts For Handling College Rejection Letters - on Forbes.com:

http://tinyurl.com/6gbjln

I've learned over the years that rejection experiences, no matter what form they take, are interconnected, have similarities and keep popping up throughout our lives.

I invite you to write to me with your own stories and let me know where you would like to see Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM) focus in the months to come.

Until next month,

Elayne

© 2008 Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

9. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Thanksgiving Gatherings - Giving Gratitude or 'Attitude'

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
November, 2007

Welcome to the 13th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM)

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Thanksgiving Gatherings - Giving Gratitude or 'Attitude'
2, Pass The Rejection, Please
3. Talking To The Turkeys At The Table
4. Excuse Me . . ."
5. Opt-In To Time-Outs
6. This Feeling Is Too Hot To Handle
7. Thanks for the Opportunity
8. Contacting Elayne
9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. THANKSGIVING GATHERINGS - GRATITUDE OR 'ATTITUDE'
     By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

And here comes Thanksgiving. For some it's a holiday of conflicting feelings  —  clashing and banging against each other. 

There may be a part of you that looks forward to this holiday. After all,
Thanksgiving offers an invitation to show gratitude and appreciation
for the amazing people and experiences in your life. And, too, this
holiday gives permission to appreciate YOU —  for who you are and
what you have become. And perhaps for what you have overcome.

Thanksgiving provides us with the venue to be appreciative.

However, there may also be a part of you that has some uneasiness
with this holiday. The part of you that stresses about planning or
preparing or serving. The part of you that dreads dealing with the
'attitudes' of annoying or disgusting relatives.

2. PASS THE REJECTION, PLEASE

Holiday get-togethers can lead to tense moments, especially in
these stressful times.

By the time Thanksgiving arrives, we're thoroughly indoctrinated
by the commercials. We even begin to believe those ads. We begin
dreaming of a  Norman Rockwell kind of Thanksgiving family
gathering.

Each year you find yourself crossing your fingers and hoping it's
going to be different from past experiences.
Are you disappointed yet again?
Does someone say or do something that ruins everything for you? 

Before your eyes, the scene turns into Theatre of the Absurd.

One minute the family is getting along like a Rockwell painting and
the next minute they’re at each other’s throats, because someone
said or did the "wrong" thing. Some one copped an 'attitude,' or was
too judgmental, or critical or dismissive or condescending. And
someone takes something personally.

Any way you slice it, these disappointments feel like a big dose of
rejection.

3. TALKING TO THE TURKEYS AT THE TABLE

How can you make sure your holiday gatherings don't  end up in
battles, choosing sides, and hurt feelings?

Here are some tips for getting through the Holidays:

* Mom is doing her Queen of the Kitchen number. She insists on
using her salad dressing even though you made a perfectly lovely
one. It's almost comical.

- Why not appreciate the HUMOR in the situation, and laugh it off.
- Remind yourself, "Mom's being her Mom-self."

Mom's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

* Uncle Alex is baiting you again with his political rants. He pulls
you in every time. You're embarrassed to find yourself raising your
voice to make your point.

- Don't bite the bait. Avoid the fish and the fisherman routine.
- Be direct. Say "'Uncle Alex, I can see you feel strongly about
your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss
this subject.'" 

Uncle Alex's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

* Aunt Sally's unrelenting teasing makes you uncomfortable and
self-conscious. She's done this ever since you can remember. She
sees your discomfort and goes full steam ahead. "You always were too
sensitive," she bellows. You want to crawl under the table and
disappear.

- This is a good time for a deep breath. Maybe several.  Breathing
slowly ten times will usually help to take the charge off of the
situation.

- By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.
- And if you make an effort to thank Aunt Sally when she shows even
the slightest interest in you, it reinforces the positive behavior.
Maybe she'll even have something nice to say to you again sometime.

Aunt Sally's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

* Dad is drinking too much again. He’s making comments loudly under
his breath about your weight. It's so humiliating. What do you do?

- Remember you have CHOICES now. When Dad teased you when you were
small, you didn't know how to consider choices.
- Now you can remind yourself you don’t have to stay there and take it. You can
leave the room gracefully go into the kitchen and get a glass of water
while you regain your composure.

- Having a talk with him about it in a sober moment will be more
effective than trying to talk to him at the table.

Dad's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

4. "EXCUSE ME . . ."

Let's look at some effective ways of taking care of yourself.

- Excuse yourself in the living room: Before dinner, if someone
acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen
and get a drink of water or replenish the appetizer tray.

-  Excuse yourself in the dinner table, you can always say a
simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close
the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I
want to handle this? What is my plan of action  here?”

- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can LIKE
OR APPRECIATE about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of
shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate
that feature. When a person sees RESPECT in your eyes, he or she
is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.

5. OPT-IN TO TIME-OUTS

Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to
regain your composure. These are all examples of taking TIME-OUTS.

Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives.
Consider renting a car. This “time-out” lets you BE INDEPENDENT
about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay
if you need to escape from the stress of family. You can also take
long walks or visit old friends or old haunts.

The bottom line is: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!
Remember: actions that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not
about you. People project their own uncomfortable characteristics
onto you. Often these are blind spots and they're not aware of
doing it.

For example, let's go back to the dinner table and Aunt Sally.
When she sees how embarrassed you are by her teasing and says,
"You always were too sensitive," she's most likely talking about
herself.

In fact, Mom  later recalls, "When we were growing up, Sally
always took things personally!"

6. THIS FEELING IS TOO HOT TO HANDLE

Sometimes a thought or feeling is too hot to handle. Because 
it causes discomfort or anxiety we might fling it toward
another person. This projection onto others is usually not
part of our awareness.

In BREATHING ROOM (New Harbinger) I describe projection:
"Projection is when you mistakenly imagine certain traits
exist in the other person when you cannot acknowledge them
in yourself. This is because they are emotionally unacceptable.
In other words, features that you attribute to (others) are
actually disowned parts of yourself.

It’s like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space —
for safekeeping.

People deal with all kinds of unacknowledged feelings including
anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness,
vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency."

Projection also involves confusion about personal boundaries. I
describe how this works in BREATHING ROOM:

"When you get right down to it, confusion about personal
boundaries causes big problems in relationships. Having good
personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our
personal space is unique and separate from the personal space
of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person
begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."

And because many of you have made the request, there will be
more about Personal Boundaries and Projection in future e-letters.

By the way, there's a terrific new book on how to harness the power of gratitude: 'FOCUS ON THE GOOD STUFF - The Power of Appreciation' by Mike Robbins.

7. THANKS FOR THE OPPORTUNITY

Thanksgiving offers a unique opportunity. Consider how on this one
day a year it's perfectly OK to tell people we appreciate

them. For many of us, acknowledging appreciation isn't easy.
Sometimes it  helps to have a reason. Thanks, Thanksgiving
for providing a reason.

Happy Thanksgiving.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

"I've Never Felt So Mortified!"

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
June, 2007

IN THIS ISSUE
1. I've Never Felt So Mortified!"
2. Shame and Humiliation Take Over in a Flash
3. Remind Yourself: "It's Embarrassment and Not Shame"
4. Tips for Handling Humiliation and Shame
5. Getting Your Energy Flowing Again
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. "I'VE NEVER FELT SO MORTIFIED!"   
   By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

For some of us, getting embarrassed can be, well, so embarrassing.
Blushing. Flushing. Stammering. Feeling disconcerted and a bit
ridiculous.

Some of us, however, skip over embarrassment and go straight to
mortification, and humiliation And yes, even to that agonizing
place of shame.

Maybe you blurted something out without thinking. Or you gave the
wrong answer at a meeting or a class. Or maybe you neglected to
ask about something important. Or you weren't thinking clearly
and made a mistake placing an order.

Several years ago, I got confused at the counter when I was placing
an order for coffee beans. I asked for many pounds of my own special
blend of beans than I wanted. When I realized my mistake, I not only
turned red, but I “flooded.” Panic washed over me. I couldn’t think
straight. I was a “bad” little girl again and someone was going to
judge me. The coffee people were gracious, and didn’t ask me to pay
for my mistake. But I paid for it in other ways — my “badness”
intruded on my thoughts for a few days, until I regained control.

2. SHAME AND HUMILIATION TAKE OVER IN A FLASH

Shame and humiliation are overwhelming feelings for many of us. They
can take over in a flash. Shame's claim to fame is feeling exposed as deficient. We feel painfully diminished.

It's this feeling of exposure that causes intense feelings for most
of us.
Public exposure can be in front of anyone, including friends or
family. Even in front of children.

Usually this feeling of being exposed is not an isolated incident.
It usually dates back to something a teacher said to embarrass
us in front of the class. Or an aunt or uncle teasing us at the
Thanksgiving dinner table. Or running ahead of the group at the
amusement park and getting chastised by a parent.

If embarrassment would just know it's job and stick to it,
everything would be OK. Maybe a little blushing. Or feeling
uncomfortable. Or self-conscious. Or awkward. That would be a
bit easier to handle.

The intrusion of shame into this scenario carries more of an
emotional charge than feeling embarrassed. Yet, shame may not
be necessary to deal with the situation that just occurred.

3. REMIND YOURSELF: "IT'S EMBARRASSMENT AND NOT SHAME"

Try thinking of a situation as embarrassing rather than shameful
or humiliating. Often a feeling of embarrassment is all that’s
warranted. The situation doesn’t call for any more than that. Try
repeating to yourself, “I’m only feeling embarrassed.”

In the same vein, if you make a mistake you don’t have to tell
yourself you’re a failure. Okay, so you screwed up—maybe you
misspoke or made a misstep, a miscalculation, an omission, an
oversight. But this doesn’t mean you’re a freak or a failure.

These are self-rejecting responses.

4. TIPS FOR HANDLING HUMILIATION AND SHAME

Here are some ways you can handle your embarrassment when it moves
into humiliation or shame. Especially when you find yourself
emotionally 'flooding.'

You can learn to create distance when you find yourself in
overwhelming situations. By finding a way to avoid the flood of
emotions that may be swirling around you, you can begin to think
more clearly.

1) The easiest approach is counting to ten slowly. It really works
to pull yourself out of the situation and give yourself just enough
distance to regain your balance.

2) Another approach is to say to yourself, “I’m only feeling
embarrassment here, not shame. Just because I’m embarrassed
doesn’t meant I’m ashamed.” Shame and embarrassment are not
the same feeling. Learn to recognize the difference and try to
keep them separate.

3) As soon as I feel any kind of embarrassment coming on I
use this approach. I laugh at myself before anyone else can.
I’ve developed a kind of giggle that pops out whenever I
start to feel embarrassed. It puts me back in control of
the situation and sidesteps potentially embarrassing moments
from moving into the realm of shame.

As I practiced, I discovered I wasn’t really laughing at myself.
It was more like I was laughing with myself. Once I began to
lighten up everything changed—I found I wasn’t taking things
so personally.

4) A fourth technique is to say to yourself, “I don’t have to
deal with this input now. I’ll put it on ‘tape delay’ and play
it back later. A variation would be to jot down the other person’s
words if pen and paper are handy and tell yourself you’ll deal
with them later.

5) Another way to protect yourself from emotional overload is to
visualize a plastic bubble around yourself where nothing can hurt
you. You have the ability to install or remove the bubble at will.
Nobody can get to you while the bubble is in place. And nobody
knows it is there but you. Imagining a plastic shield in front
of you works too.

6) You might experiment with using imagery to sort out those
jumbled feelings. It helps me to see my feelings as tangled
up gold chains. I once read a household hint that suggests
putting knotted chains on waxed paper, adding a few drops of
mineral oil, and gently moving them around with two straight
pins until they untangle.

This not only works for chains, it works for feelings as well.
It has been a useful image for me to keep handy.
Try visualizing this image the next time you feel all
tangled up.

5. GETTING YOUR ENERGY FLOWING AGAIN

The key is to find ways to untangle and get out of that
state of paralysis. The key is to get your energy flowing
again.

A woman I know who is trained in massage knows about unblocking
energy and moving it around. She taught me how she gets her
energy flowing again. 

Whenever she wants to move from a negative place into a positive
place, she visualizes a honeycomb. The energy takes the form of
warm, thick, sweet, amber-colored liquid, constantly moving
through the interconnected tunnels. As the energy flows, a
wondrous transformation takes place. She notices how the
negative messages of childhood take on new qualities as
they flow from space to space.

As the energy changes from life-depleting to life-sustaining,
it provides sustenance, allowing room for her needs and wants,
and encouraging clear boundaries.

Then the energy develops new vitality, permitting choices and
enhancing good communication. And it keeps on moving and flowing.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.