Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

Nasty and Personal: When is Political Nastiness Psychological Projection?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

I've been receiving e-mails about the polarity and negativity in this political campaign. Readers talk about the nasty and personal sniping, the name-calling and how there seems to be an unusual amount of viciousness in debates and advertising.

One woman wrote:  "Things are getting pretty ugly in the political sphere this election. It would be beneficial to get further perspective on ways to handle situations that are so negative."

"It is not just candidates who are negative. It seems, to me very few people are able to discuss politics without demonizing the other side. It is a real challenge to talk issues in a more objective way.

"A case in point is a close relative who keeps sending attacking political e-mail after I asked them to stop. How do you handle a person who insists upon talking politics when I have clearly stated I don't wish to discuss politics with them?  Where's a good starting point to deal with this issue?"

I do have some ideas of what may be going on here. This is not meant to be a political commentary. But rather, some observations on human nature.

Let's start with understanding 'isomorphism' and then move on to 'psychological projection.'

It is fascinating how some of our relatives or friends or neighbors appear to be taking on the negative qualities of the campaigners. And the media does the same!

The reader's example of pushy, negative comments is a terrific example of isomorphism (Sometimes referred to as  'parallel process' or 'social contagion.')

Isomorphism is a mirroring of one situation by another. It is when the energy from one context (for example political campaigners) is picked up and replicated in another context (for example voters.) 

You’ve probably noticed how images in television commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example, a human face will change into a lion’s face or an antelope will transform into a car— right before your eyes.

This is what happens with certain interactions as well. In politics the character and temperament of a candidate trickles down to voters. There seem to be an influx of personal attacks, sharp tones of voice, aggressiveness and nastiness.

And of course this process also exists in personal and professional relationships.

Isomorphism is one way of explaining what may be going on in the realm of political nastiness. Psychological projection is another.

Psychological Projection: Spreading the Garbage Around

As the political attacks get more intensely personal and vicious every day, I wonder if there isn't some kind of personal flavor and investment in the accusations.

Could it be that the accuser is talking about their own flaws or shortcomings?

The tendency to see certain traits in another person when you cannot acknowledge them in yourself is called psychological projection.

When we find traits, behaviors, ideas or feelings unacceptable in someone else, it is usually because they are blind spots for us and we need to disown them.

If our family or society has deemed something "unacceptable," it is not safe for it to show up and we tend to submerge it. These traits become our 'shadow side.'

And if they do start to pop up, they make us really nervous.

Anytime we have unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears our anxiety level can shoot up. Most of us have a tendency to protect ourselves from experiencing the anxiety when undesirable thoughts intrude. A common way to cope with and tame the anxiety is to unconsciously attribute the thoughts or feelings to others.

In other words, to rid ourselves of this anxiety, we may fling these unacceptable parts of ourselves onto other folks. We may accuse them of the same types of behaviors that we find incompatible with how we see ourselves.

In this primary election we hear accusations of being disreputable, corrupt and sexually inappropriate. We hear about infidelity, influence peddling, corporate shilling, dishonesty, and vicious whisper campaigns.

Some scratching below the surface and a little research might expose the accuser as having similar attributes.

I'm not making a political statement here. Psychological projection has been rampant from both political parties throughout quite a few primary and general election campaigns. And I've commented on it in other blogs.

Have you noticed it too? Is it my imagination or does it seem to get worse with each new campaign?

I'd love to hear your comments. You can write to me at
elayne@QueenofRejection.com

Psychological projection does not just exist in political campaigns. It is all too common in our personal and professional relationships as well.

Have you noticed how traits you can't tolerate in others are often the things you can’t stand about yourself? These might include anger, sadness, fears, insecurities, vulnerabilities, and dependency. It might include your tendency to be stubborn or flirtatious or bad or too loud or pushy or competitive or controlling.

When a thought or fear is too hot to handle we want to get rid of it. That's when you might toss it over to someone else. Partners, friends or co-workers are handy recipients. By attributing the thought to them, you can rid yourself of the anxiety it brings up.

Projection is like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space — for safekeeping.

A client says, “When we can’t own our own stuff, we try to give it away. I guess you could say that projection protects us from ourselves by spreading the garbage around.”

Projection also involves confusion about personal boundaries. I describe how this works in BREATHING ROOM:   http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

"Having good personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our personal space is unique and separate from the personal space of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."

It's Hard Not to Take Finger Pointing Personally

If you find yourself attributing feelings or thoughts to someone else why not take some time to ask yourself if you could possibly have the same trait. Could you be dealing with it by projecting it onto the other person?

It's no wonder the onslaught of insinuations and projections in this election have been unsettling to my coaching and therapy clients. It reminds them of all the projections they have experienced in their personal lives. Unfounded accusations from parents, sibs, teachers, or peers. Accusations that didn't fit. And no wonder. The accuser was most likely talking about him or herself. It's hard not to take finger pointing personally. It certainly feels like a personal attack.

There is an old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing. When someone is pointing a finger at you, remind yourself that the other three fingers are actually pointing right back at the accuser. The SNL folks sure got it right. It helps put things in perspective.
 
It's a reminder worth repeating to yourself:
"This is not about me.
This is most likely about the other person.
They are probably talking about themselves.
What might they be saying?"

In spite of the disturbing nature of the campaigning we can learn a lot about ourselves by noticing it's effect on us. Projection is all too common in many relationships. It helps when we can get a handle on it.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

 Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Personal and Repugnant Politicking

by Elayne Savage, PhD

Talk about name-calling and personal attacks! The live TV debates, campaign ads and media rehashes are loaded with so many rejection messages - slights, clashes, bitterness and harsh personal salvos -  you could lift them from my book "Don't Take It Personally!"

For me, the words and tone and body language bring up unpleasant memories of early bullying and other rejection situations. The dismissive posturing especially upset me. I could have easily written the dialogue from my own personal and workplace experiences. And it makes me extremely uncomfortable.

Come to think of it, I made some of the same observations during the last presidential primary campaign. Back then it was the debates between the Democrats.

And here we go again. The Republican Presidential Debate in Las Vegas was chock-full of shouting matches and innuendos. Everyone seemed to be taking something personally - and why not? It was personal!

It would be difficult not to get testy and irritated and defensive. Calling each other 'liars, and accusing each other of 'cheap shots' will do it for sure!

And defensive they got. The exchanges between Rick Perry and Mitt Romney are a classic example of an all too common  dynamic during conflict: 'Attack/Defend.'

When we feel attacked by someone, our instinct is to protect ourselves. And we often attack back. It can easily escalate out of control.

Whatever happened to Ronald Reagan's so-called 11th commandment? This was the rule that came into being when he felt so much intensity from personal attacks against him in the primaries. "Thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republican."

Looking Through-the-Rejection-Lens

This commentary is not meant to be a political statement. When goings-on like these are so upsetting to me, it helps to put words to it. Some of my clients are also expressing discomfort with the escalating attacks.

I'm sharing some of my observations with you as I experience them Through-the-Rejection-Lens. 

I don’t believe I’ve observed political campaigning with so many personal attacks - especially this early in a campaign. It seems the ante gets upped and the bitterness intensifies with each debate.

Here's how I see the debate interactions:
Accusing
Criticizing
Condescending
Attacking
Faulting
Smearing
Scorning
Slamming
Undermining
Slighting
Dismissing
Discounting
Insulting
Affronting
Judging

Do you have other descriptive words or phrases to add?
What kinds of images do these rejecting words conger up for you?
Do they make you wince as much as they do me?

I'd love to hear your impressions.

You can find the two most relevant blogs I wrote about the 2008 Presidential Election here:

About the Presidential Primaries: 

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2008/01/that-hurts-my-f.html

About the General Election:

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2008/09/on-a-fast-moving-merry-go-round-and-i-cant-get-off.html

Frantic Efforts to Save Face

I find it intriguing to watch each combative candidate frantically trying to puff themselves up in an attempt to look good.

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt so flustered, so desperate, that you might exaggerate the facts? Or even lie outright to save face? You might find yourself grasping at straws in a feeble attempt to make your point. Or maybe you were frantically searching for a way to protect yourself and could only pull up some below-the-belt accusations and innuendos.  I have found myself struggling with this too many times.

You could liken the presidential debates to the kind of destructive fighting that sometimes occurs in a couples relationship or a difficult workplace conflict:

The 'Attack-Defend' dynamic is frequently present. The person who feels attacked and vulnerable often defends against the attack by attacking back - sometimes ferociously.

When a finger is pointed and someone feels blamed, the tendency is to retaliate in an effort to protect.

I see this kind of negative interaction frequently when I work with couples or mediate workplace disputes. The exchanges are laden with  self-justification and accusations. They are often toxic and so is the air in the room. Neither party takes responsibility for their part. They are often loaded with 'toxicity.'

There seems to be a need to make the other person wrong and bad.

Clients also report how it reminds them of being young and how their parents used to fight. when they were young -  and how fearful they were about what was gong to happen next.

Evasiveness, Deflections and Distractions
     
When topics are uncomfortable, instead of sticking to the issue, folks evade, deflect, and distract by veering off onto other, often irrelevant topics.

Evasiveness can be especially unsettling to those of us who grew up in families where when you ask a question you never get a straight answer. The subject gets changed, the issue gets skirted, and you are left dangling.

From the days of the 2008 primaries, I've written commentaries about the viciousness of personal attacks in campaigning. Even though I specialize in dealing with personal attacks between people and hear hundreds of examples, the escalation of attacks during those eight months astounded me.

And here we are four years later. I'm hoping we don't get to the same kind of toxicity this time around. And yet, it seems to be galloping right along and getting worse with each debate and TV spot. 

We have a whole year to go before the election. What can we expect in the next 12 months? What can we do to stop it?

I welcome your comments and responses.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Self-Sabotage - The Gremlin That Ruins Relationships and Careers

By Elayne Savage PhD

A note about self-sabotage: 
I  touched on the topic of self-sabotage in these two radio programs:

EmotionalPro with Ilene Dillon

http://emotionalpro.com/archives/3577  

Your Life, Your Relationships with Hollis Polk   

http://www.progressiveradionetwork.com/your-life-your-relationships/                                          The June 1, 2011 podcast

Self-sabotage is such a fascinating subject - and many of you wrote wanting more information. So here you go . . .


Yet another incident of sexting by an elected official was just reported by the media. This time a Louisiana councilman. You're probably as weary of the copious coverage as I am.

Yet, once again I find myself reading all about it. And perhaps a bit embarrassed that I'm so intrigued by the goings on.

I was amazed at the media frenzy surrounding the reports of Anthony Weiner sexting on Twitter. I Is it my imagination or is the media's lust for exposing secret lives of public figures escalating? You know the list: Arnold Schwartsenegger, John Ensign, John Edwards,Mark Sanford, Mark Foley, David Vitter, Eliot Spitzer, Larry Craig, and Bill Clinton. Did I leave anyone  out?

What propels public figures to engage in this kind of risky behavior?

How do they justify behavior that could cause them to self-implode? How do they rationalize self-destructive behavior that, if discovered, will probably lead to loss of careers, families and respect? How much energy are they putting into leading a double life? Why are public figures seemingly driven to take risks that could lead to facing public exposure, censure, rejection — and the subsequent shame and humiliation?

Or for that matter, why would any of us take these kinds of risks?

- Do they think they can get away with stuff because they are  powerful people? 

- Do they think they are so special they won't get caught?

- Are they are driven in a way that they can't stop themselves? Is it part of the love/sex addiction cycle of stress/anxiety/self-doubt leading to acting out behavior? (Resource: Patrick J. Carnes, 'Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction'. 3rd Edition, 2001. Hazelden.)

- Is about that "high" received from the hit of adrenaline when they engage in the behavior? The momentary feeling of power or conquest?

- Might they want to get caught so the behavior will stop?

- Could this be self-sabotaging behavior?

Let's focus on the self-sabotaging part.

How Do We Self-Sabotage? Let Me Count the Ways!
For the sake of trying to make sense out of it, let's call this kind of risky behavior 'self-sabotaging behavior.' Surely they are blocking their success by working against their own best interests. Most certainly they are sabotaging their family relationships, their careers and the trust folks have put in them. Surely they are sabotaging their reputations, and their potential to accomplish their goals and dreams.

How might this self-defeating behavior happen, and why?

Self-sabotage is self-rejecting behavior. And there are a multitude of ways we manage to sabotage ourselves. Let's try to understand how it happens.

The dictionary definition of sabotage is 'an act or process tending to hamper or hurt' or 'any undermining of a cause.'

However I always think the best description of 'sabotage' is the visual image that history offers.

Origins of "Sabotage"
You may know that 'sabot' is a French word meaning wooden shoe or clog. It's said the term originated during the Industrial Revolution when discontented workers threw their sabots into factory machinery to damage it. The word 'saboteur' came to mean 'working carelessly,' 'clumsiness,’  'botching' or ‘bungling,’ The meaning broadened to include any purposeful and disruptive behavior.

What are the ways you sabotage yourself? How do you jam-up, clog, or stop your machinery?

Over the years I've been an expert  at self-sabotage. I've encountered windows of opportunity, but let them float by without acting. I have been known to mis-address correspondence, make typing errors on important emails when I wanted to impress someone, and misspeak on quite a few occasions.  Once I even missed a plane when I was on my way to present a program for an out-of state organization! 

Now I recheck things more than once before sending them out and plan carefully - especially when I want to impress someone.

Do you ever find yourself clogging up your machinery with self-doubt about capability and competence. Are you sometimes overcome with feelings of inadequacy?

Self-sabotage can take a myriad of forms. We sabotage relationships — both work and personal. We sabotage our well-being. We sabotage respect for ourselves.

- Have you ever pushed yourself so hard on the treadmill or bicycling or running that you strain a muscle and can't exercise again for two weeks. That, too, is a form of self-sabotage, even though it really feels good in the moment.

- Sometimes we make relationship choices that are set-ups for rejection and disappointment — another form of self-sabotage.

- Sloppy business practices are another form of self-sabotage.

- Missed opportunities, not listening carefully enough  to our inner voice.

- Sometimes we seem to have a need to punish ourselves. Maybe even for every "bad" thing we've ever done!Self-sabotage is often  the method of choice. Most of the time we aren't really aware we are doing it.

Can you think of other ways?

Self-sabotage is one of the ways we deal with stress and anxiety. Other ways we deflect anxiety are avoidance, procrastination, perfectionism, and making excuses.

My earlier e-letter/blogs have addressed the the tug-of-war of ambivalence:
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/ambivalence/
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2006/12/whispers_and_ro.html

And here is link that explores the fears we encounter when we put ourselves out there and try something new:
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2006/11/fear_of_tryingt.html

Often we find ourselves hitting the wall of Resistance (with a capital 'R') as Steven Pressfield so exquisitely describes in 'The War of Art.'

'The War of Art' (A book about Inner Battles)
Robert McKee in a Forward to the 'The War of Art' (Warner, 2003) says Resistance is Pressfield's  "all-encompassing term for what Freud called the Death Wish — that destructive force inside human nature that rises whenever we consider a tough, tong-term course of action that might do for us or others something that's actually good."  He goes on to describe the manifestations of Resistance as "a force that lives within us all — self-sabotage, self-deception and self-corruption."

Pressfield describes Resistance: ". . . the most toxic force on the planet . . . To yield to Resistance deforms our spirit. It stunts us and makes us less than we are and were born to be . . . As powerful as is our soul's call to realization, so potent are the forces of Resistance arrayed against it . . . Resistance defeats us. If tomorrow morning by some stroke of magic every dazed and benighted soul woke up with the power to take the first step toward pursuing his or her dreams, overnight every shrink in the directory would be out of business. Prisons would stand empty. The alcohol and tobacco industries would collapse, along with the junk food, cosmetic surgery, and infotainment businesses, not to mention pharmaceutical companies, hospitals and the medical profession from top to bottom. Domestic abuse would become extinct, as would addiction, obesity, migraine headaches, road rage and dandruff."

Self-doubt, Self-rejection and Self-destruction
On the surface pubic figures may appear self-confident and self-assured. Certainly they are persuasive and opportunistic in ways that can serve to benefit others.

And yet, underneath the polished, and successful exterior, there may be heaps of low self-worth lying around.

Perhaps when politicians and other public figures engage in risk-taking behavior, this might be connected to their deep down feelings of inadequacy, insecurity and unworthyness.

It might come from a core belief that in reality they are a loser. Then, as this premise repeats itself over time, it leads to negative and disappointing outcomes. And instead of pretending to be what they are may feel like a huge relief.

You Can Change Your Perceptions
Usually these thoughts are below our radar and we're not consciously aware of them.

In order to overcome self-sabotage we first have to become aware of them. If we can't see something, we can't change it. 

We have to recognize our doubts and fears and understand how they affect our behaviors. You've heard me talk about 'walking alongs side yourself' and mindfully recognizing your thoughts and behaviors, then making a conscious choice to experiment with trying out new behavior.

Ask yourself: Why might I be holding myself back? What am I uncomfortable about?What uncertainties do I have? What might I be afraid of?

Which am I afraid of more — failure or success?

Ask  yourself "What's the worst thing that could happen?" Then say the answer out loud. Even better to state it out loud to another person like a partner, friend, coach or therapist. Hearing yourself say the words seems to take the charge off of the fear.

What would it take for you to become your own best supporter instead of your worst saboteur?

© Elayne Savage PhD

I'd love to hear what you think about this topic.

You can post on my blog under comments:
http://www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com
or email me at:
elayne@QueenofRejection.com

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs  

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a relationship and workplace communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Relationships Take a Lotta Work

By Elayne Savage, PhD

I do relationship maintenance - for couples and in the workplace. Enhancing what is working, repairing what falters, and hoping everyone involved has basically the same agenda.

Listening to Obama's State of the Union address, two aspects jumped out for me.

The first was Congress' public show of good will following the tragedy in Tucson where six died and Rep. Gabrielle Giffords was critically wounded. Many Democrats and Republicans were sitting together for the first time in 100 years. The idea grew when a couple of members of Congress started talking to each other. A great example of the value of direct communication!

The second stand out for me was how President Obama's address was chock-full of relationship-building words and phrases.

A show of cooperation and civility

Watching this show of cooperation I had some conflicting thoughts: What a great idea to attempt to move past the acrimony of recent years. However, I wish I could trust the effort more. I just couldn't help feeling this show of civility for some participants was exactly that - a public show.

More than just a show in public

The hard work of relationships is more than just a show in public.

I'm reminded of couples who fake a great show of affection and cooperation during family gatherings and social events. Then, in private they then go back to sniping at each other. Their interactions are filled with bitterness and indifference. This is also true of co-workers who pretend respect in public, yet backstab at the first opportunity.

Building Relationships 101

I was fascinated with how Obama's address is laden with step-by-step advice on how to build relationships. Many of the ideas he put forth could have come straight out of the pages of my book 'Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple,' a primer on relationship-building. Do you think this choice of phrases could have been purposeful?

Here are a few of the relationship-building words and phrases I found in the State of the Union address:

Obama spoke of our differences: differences in policy, different opinions, and different backgrounds. Would you agree these are similar to problems many of us have to overcome in work and personal relationships?

He reminds us how we face new threats and new challenges. And how relationships take investment and hard work.

He speaks of the need for teamwork - a new era of cooperation. Working together to make things happen, Using new skills and new ideas.

He reminds us that we have a choice.

He says it is never about standing pat. It requires sacrifice and struggle. It means treating people with respect.

He emphasizes the need for building and rebuilding. For repairing crumbling roads and building bridges. For reducing barriers that stand in the way of growth and success.

He suggests forging a principled compromise that gets the job done.

My favorite idea in the speech is really good relationship advice: "Instead of re-fighting battles, let's fix what needs fixing and move forward."

The disintegration of relationships

I recently saw the film Blue Valentine, a powerful, painfully honest story of the disintegration of a relationship.

We are not let in on what happens between the flashbacks of courting and the unraveling marriage in the present. It doesn't appear there were major traumas in the early years of the marriage. No obvious betrayals or breeches of trust. It was more like the disappointments and rejections that occur over and over in many relationships: miscommunications leading to anger, recriminations, bitterness, blame and resentment. And before the couple knows it, the infrastructure begins to crumble.

It seems to me that miscommunications, anger, recriminations, bitterness, blame and resentment are exactly what we have been witnessing between members of Congress and between the branches of government. I sure hope the good will displayed during the speech finds a way to continue to flourish.

Restoring respect

In my work with couples and my consultations in the workplace my goal for clients is regaining mutual respect. By clearing out built up resentment. THEN there is the space to reconnect with respect.

Restoring respect Inside the Beltway might just work wonders for a more efficient government.

And if you have a hankering to read more about relationships here are an array of blog links from the archives:

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2010/03/relationship-spring-cleaning.html

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2007/07/cozying-up-to-t.html

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2008/05/relationship-lessons-from-yosemite.html

And from my website:
http://queenofrejection.com/article3.htm

© Elayne Savage, PhD

And I'd love to hear your ideas on this subject - you can post in the comment section below . . .

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

 

All Frenzied Up - A Look at Mob Mentality

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
August, 2009

 

IN THIS ISSUE
1. All Frenzied Up - A Look at Mob Mentality 
2. So Exactly What is Mob Behavior?
3. Witnessing Mob Mentality First Hand
4.  F.E.A.R. = 'False Exaggerations Appearing Real'
5. The Mob Mentality Morass
6.  Contacting Elayne
7.  Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

All Frenzied Up - A Look at Mob Mentality
by Elayne Savage, PhD

I don't scare easily. But when fear is dished out daily, it's hard not to want to protect myself from the onslaught.

I feel ganged up on. Clobbered. Pummeled. So much information and misinformation is being hurled at me. If I believed everything I heard, I might be scared to death.

There are so many threats being thrown about: How the government is trying to "kill granny." (Hey, that's ME!) That Medicare could be taken away. That I'll have to go before a 'death panel' and be told I have to end my life because I’m not productive enough (or something.)

Truth be told, this last threat hits home. But how did they ever discover my secret fear? How could they know I've been concerned about my productivity of late?  Let's face it, some days I'm not writing as much as I'd like. And I get embarrassed every time someone asks, "Where IS that third book?? And I, too, wonder why I'm not working harder to secure more speaking engagements? 

How did they ever discover that I'm turning into such a slacker? Sheesh. If I'm not careful, I'll soon be taking their threats personally!

The outrageousness of these threats might even be seen as comical. But they are far too scary to be funny.  What frightens me most is the viciousness of the mob behavior at the Town Hall meetings. The outbursts verging on hysteria. The misplaced anger. The hyperbole. The spewing forth of toxic rhetoric.

It rattles me to the core.

So Exactly What is Mob Behavior?

Here are dictionary definitions for 'mob.'
- A disorderly or riotous crowd of people.
- A group of persons stimulating one another to excitement and losing ordinary rational control over their activity.

Social Psychologists define two basic types of mob behavior.
- Contagion theory holds that the energy exchange and anonymity of being in a crowd causes people to act in a certain way.
- Convergence theory holds that like-minded people (people who wish to act a certain way) converge to form crowds.

It just crossed my mind that definitions of 'terrorism' and 'terrorist' fit here as well:

Terrorism:
- The use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.
- The state of fear and submission produced by terrorism or terrorization.
- A terroristic method of governing or of resisting a government

Terrorist:
- A person, usually a member of a group, who uses or advocates terrorism.
- A person who terrorizes or frightens others.

Hmmmm. Writing this is bringing back some unpleasant memories . . .

Witnessing Mob Mentality First Hand
 

 

I witnessed mob mentality first hand many years ago when I was a Child Welfare worker for the City and County of San Francisco. We initiated a planned work stoppage to make a point that we deserved a raise. Or more benefits. Or something like that.

Feelings ran high. The flames of indignation were fanned. The workers got all frenzied up. Some behavior became aggressive and unruly.

I watched helplessly as normally responsible and reasonable social workers became disrespectful, disruptive and irrational. Jekyll and Hyde-like they turned on anyone who did not agree with their stance. Suddenly everything became 'us' vs. 'them,' 'good and bad,' 'right and wrong.' The polarization was intense. They threatened, they bullied, they intimidated.

I watched as social workers flung themselves in front of municipal buses to prevent them from rolling. There were ugly shouting matches when picket signs weren't honored. Fury and viciousness were unleashed. It was out of control and scary.

Although I didn't support the tactics, I did support the cause. I agreed to leaflet the commuter bus station. I naively walked up to a queued of passengers and handed out flyers. A few folks got upset. One man suggested, "Miss, you just  cannot push information at people. You should hold it out and let them take it."

In those days I took everything personally. As I listened to his words I felt chastised, dismissed and rejected. Later I understood what a valuable gift this was! Thanks, Mister, for taking the time to teach me such a valuable life lesson on honoring respect and personal boundaries of others.

F.E.A.R. = 'False Exaggerations Appearing Real'

These surely are scary times. Many of us are leery of all the unknowns. Change is a huge unknown. And this uneasiness breeds fear. For many of us, the idea of change rocks our comfort level.

In the e-letters of March and April of this year I wrote about Fear, Anger, Outrage and Change.  Little did I dream how relevant these musings would be today. Little did I imagine the Town Hall meetings would disintegrate into such chaos.  I had no clue how these uprisings could possibly instill so much fear. Or how the media would pounce and inflate.

Little did I dream how out of control and hysterical folks would become. The flames of fear were fanned and populist rage exploded.

This nation has become so fragmented and polarized. What has become of the idea of  "one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all?"

F.E.A.R. is often described as 'False Exaggerations Appearing Real.' In other words, all too often fear arises through the prism of our misperceptions.

In March 2009 I wrote about 'Fear, Anger and Outrage.'

http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2009/03/index.html

In April 2009 I wrote 'Don't Fear Change. Change Fear.'

http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2009/04/index.html

In these pieces I define rage as 'anger with a history.' "Rage is an emotion beyond anger. The way I see it, anger relates to something happening in the present and reflects “now” feelings. By contrast, rage arises from overwhelming, sometimes unbearable feelings from the past.

These strong feelings arise from perceived mistreatment at the hands of others. Perceived injustices. Betrayals. Disappointments and Loss."

"Most often when you scratch the surface of anger, you'll find fear . . . Fear and anger are connected emotions . . . When we are faced with a stressful situation, we respond in one of two ways. By fear or anger. We can see the connection between fear and anger in aggressive behaviors.

The bully is a good example. The bully puffs him or herself up because underneath that tough exterior lies fear and vulnerability."

I wrote how fear has been galloping through this country at breakneck speed. Following the horrific attacks of 9-11, The Politics of Fear erupted, playing to our fears and anxieties. Terrorism. Anthrax scares. Gay Marriage. Immigrants. Disease epidemics. The Economy. And now Health Care and a new president who happens to be Black.

A culture of fear has been permeating and fraying the fabric of our country. Fear is in the air and it's contagious. And we feel vulnerable. Helpless. A small voice asks, "What's going to happen to me?"

I wrote these two e-letters several months ago. I didn't dream how the recent frenzy of fear and rage would make them even more relevant now.

http://00queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/29/03/index.html
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2009/04/index.html

The Mob Mentality Morass

Let's talk more about Mob Mentality. Social Psychologists prefer to use the terms 'crowd hysteria' or 'herd behavior' (think 'stampede.') The definition of 'stampede is " a sudden frenzied rush of panic-stricken animals. "

When humans are caught up in similar panicky situations, we too can be swept along with the tide of mob hysteria. Even though it may be against their better judgment. All too often mob behavior develops a life of its own, spinning out of control.
Like my social worker colleagues, folks with normally decent values may become infected with mob hysteria.

At these times mob participants lose their sense of self.

They become submerged in the group. They lose their personal boundaries. With the loss of this sense of separateness and individuality, comes loss of principles, personal integrity, and sense of responsibility.

In other words, they lose their moral compass.

Many factors can contribute to mob behavior. Here are a few:

- When people feel invisible, dismissed, not listened to or heard, they may react by puffing themselves up bigger than life and participate in mob behavior. By raising their voices and shouting out their fears, they know they are heard.

- If they feel economic opportunities are passing them by, they may be inclined to band together with others who feel the same.

- Mobs tend to view the recipients of their rage as objects rather than real people.

- There's a certain sense of security in the anonymity of a large group. It gives permission to say and do things they would not ordinarily do.

You can probably tell I've been pretty disturbed by these recent out of control happenings. It has helped me a lot to pull together some ideas and thoughts, put them in order to make some sense of it all, and share them with you.

I'd love to hear YOUR thoughts on the subject  . . .

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

"Don't Fear Change. Change Fear"

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
April, 2009

IN THIS ISSUE
 1.  A Night of Calming the Columbine Fears
 2.  The Culture of Fear
 3.  Fear Is in the Air and It's Contagious.
 4. "What's going to happen to me?"
 5.  Reaching Out
 6.  Respecting Different Coping Styles
 7.  Tips for Coping with Fear
 8. Unblocking Your Energy and Moving It Around
 9.  "Don't Fear Change. Change Fear"
10. Contacting Elayne
11. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

"Don't Fear Change. Change Fear"
By Elayne Savage, PhD

This week marks the 10th anniversary of the killings at Columbine High School in Littleton, CO. Twelve students and a teacher were killed.

Students Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris did the killing. They felt taunted, teased and ostracized by peers for 'being different.'  They reportedly joked about seeking revenge for these injustices.

A friend says, "They were tired of those who were insulting them, harassing them. They weren’t going to take this anymore, and they wanted to stop it."

And so they did. On April 20, 1999, they armed themselves with shotguns, handguns and a semi-automatic. They tormented and killed twelve classmates and a teacher. Twenty-five more were wounded.

A Night of Calming the Columbine Fears

On that April day, long into the night and into the morning, I was on the air with the host of a Denver radio program. Together we tried to try to help residents make sense of the tragedy. To help them deal with the overwhelming anguish. To listen to their fears.

Callers jammed the phone lines, desperate to understand what happened in their community that morning. Why did it happen? How did it happen? And they wondered: "What will become of us?" 

Fear.

The radio host wanted me to stay on with him for another hour or two. I just couldn't. After almost five hours I was emotionally spent. Listening to the fear in everyone's voices hour after hour was too much for me. I was numb.

This experience shook me to my core. And ten years later, I'm still deeply affected.

The Culture of Fear

Since the time of that tragedy, fear has been galloping through this country at breakneck speed.

The horrific attacks of 9-11 occurred two years later, and The Politics of Fear erupted, playing to our fears and anxieties. Terrorism. Anthrax scares. Gay Marriage. Immigrants. Disease epidemics. And now, the Economy. A culture of fear has been permeating and fraying the fabric of our country. And we feel vulnerable. Helpless.

Fear is a hot item on the airwaves, bandwidth and print. With each tragedy, natural disaster, series of killings and acts of terror, the fear quotient gets ramped up.

The art of instilling fear is reaching new highs. Sometimes I imagine a scenario where media folk and politicians attend fear-mongering school to learn how to talk it up to its best advantage. The evening news provides us with a regular dose of catastrophe. If there is a crime or drug or disaster story, it leads the newscast. As the saying goes, "If it bleeds, it leads!"

Whether or not you agree with Michael Moore's motivation in 'Bowling for Columbine,' the 2002 film makes some important points about how fear dominates society in the US. He theorizes that fear leads to using guns to settle disputes in this country.

When this film was made there were 7 million guns to 10 million households in Canada yet there were 151 people shot and killed in Canada compared to 11,798 in the US. Rates for Japan, England, Australia and Switzerland were all under 100. Germany was 373.

Here is a section of film dialogue describing why many Canadians feel safe enough to leave their doors unlocked:

    When we lock the door, we're
    imprisoning ourselves inside . . .

    I have family that lives
    in the States.

    They used to live in Canada
             
    And it's so different.
    They get afraid more easily.

    Canada's more just, like,
    "Let's negotiate,
    let's work something out."

    Where the States is,
    "We'll kill you and that'll be the end of that."

Fear Is in the Air and It's Contagious

In the seven years since the release of 'Bowling for Columbine,' fear seems to be even more built into the culture. It used to be we would go from one traumatic event to another. In between our fears and anxieties would subside - until the next tragedy occurred.

It is different now. Fear is in the air and it's contagious. It's been a bumpy ride and most of us are scared. Dazed. Numbed. Stunned. Immobilized. We go to bed scared and we wake up scared. 

Apprehension touches people around us – family, friends and colleagues. One person catches it from another, like a bad cold or mean flu. The anxiety that results can lead to a kind of paralysis. It's hard to think or act.

There's something else in the air. Let's call it helplessness and uncertainty. When these fears are rooted in childhood experiences, a child-like fright takes over.

Childhood fear was usually connected to some kind of loss. Perhaps your childhood friend moved away. Or you transferred to another school across town or to another state. Or an older brother or sister went away to school, leaving a void in your heart.

Maybe it felt like you lost a parent for a while if there was a separation or divorce. Or if there was a serious illness in your family. Or if someone important to you died.

These cumulative experiences affect how you cope with present losses.

What's Going to Happen to Me?

A small voice asks, "What's going to happen to me?"

When we are all grown up, but again feeling scared and insecure, we may find ourselves asking the same question. And needing reassurance.

This point is worth remembering. As a child or young adults you may have experienced setbacks that seemed overwhelming at the time. You had not yet accumulated the life experience to know that it's not the end of the world. Things do get better. In the midst of present day misfortunes, it's worth reminding yourself that things will get better again.

As a workplace coach and psychotherapist I'm hearing lots of stories about the impact of the economy. Tensions are great. Stress is rampant. Relationships are suffering. And fear is dominating people's lives.

Loss is the theme in just about every conversation: Loss of jobs, Loss of income. Loss of homes. Loss of savings. Loss of routine. Loss of independence. Loss of security. And with all of this comes Loss of identity and well-being and self-esteem.

And again, the small voice asks, "What's going to happen to me?"

What a lonely feeling fear can be. Your tendency may be to retreat and suffer in silence. At times like these it can be difficult to make yourself
connect with others. It helps to reach out.

Reaching Out

Can you connect with others to talk about these losses and fears? A partner or friend is ideal. A counselor, coach or psychotherapist is another good option. Social networking and forums work, too.

Can you put words to your worries and fears? Then hear yourself say the words out loud. Even if you write in a journal, read your words out loud to yourself. Yes, out loud.  It makes all the difference.

When pressure is building it needs to go somewhere. If we don't talk out our feelings, we act them out.

Acting out is one way of releasing tension. It takes many forms. Some of us pick fights, antagonize, fly into rages, or slam doors. Or we might engage in excessive behaviors.

But acting out is not always active. It can be passive as well, such as foot-dragging, “yes, butting,” sulking, and giving someone the silent treatment.

All of these behaviors are ways we deal with the anxiety that builds when we’re not able to put words to our feelings, worries and fears.

Respecting Different Coping Styles

Talking to your partner or friend is a good idea, however sometimes it doesn't work too well. What if you don’t feel supported by the other person? What if you both have different ways of handling upsetting situations? What if you have different coping styles? What if you feel the other person doesn’t understand you?

We all have different ways of dealing with stress, anxiety, and fear. We learn our coping skills (or lack of them) from our family and cultural experiences.

- One person may withdraw, experiencing a kind of paralysis, while the other person mobilizes and becomes over-active.

- Another may cocoon, preferring alone time, while the other needs to increase their contact with others.

- Sometimes one is less inclined to talk about feelings and the other talks so much that it's hard to listen anymore.

If either of you feels discounted, you're most likely feeling rejected. Before you know it, someone is taking something personally. Feelings get hurt.

Unless both of you can respect each others individual styles, misunderstandings and hurt can lead to anger and resentment. Resentment takes up so much space in relationships that there's barely room for connection. And connection is what's so important now.

Tips for Coping with Fear

Truth be told, we often put much more energy into avoiding fear than we do in dealing with it. Would you like some practical ideas for managing fear?

- Give yourself permission to be afraid. Say out loud what your worst fear is. Put a name to it. Talk it out with someone if possible.

- 'Walk alongside yourself.' Gain some distance from the situation to see it more clearly. Try separating the “now” of the present moment from the “then” of unpleasant childhood experiences. This frees you up from becoming overwhelmed by your feelings.

 - This objectivity allows you to choose to make a different response.

- Make a plan. This provides structure and reassurance. And being pro-active helps balance the feeling of helplessness that can creep in.
-
 - Know that your partner, friends or colleagues may deal with fear differently than you. Don’t compare. Honor the differences rather than feel threatened by them.

And in case you missed it, the March 2009 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection' e-letter has more tips on dealing with fear (loss and anger, too.)
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2009/03/index.html

Unblocking Your Energy and Moving It Around

These ideas from my first book, 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' may be helpful:

Visualize a honeycomb. The energy takes the form of warm, thick, sweet, amber-colored liquid, constantly moving through the interconnected tunnels.  As the energy flows, a wondrous transformation takes place. Notice how the negative messages of childhood take on new qualities as they flow from space to space. 

As the energy changes from life-depleting to life-sustaining, it provides sustenance, allowing room for your needs and wants, and encouraging clear boundaries. Then the energy develops new vitality, permitting choices and enhancing good communication.  And it keeps on moving, flowing. Moving and flowing.

Do you find yourself feeling like a scared little child, sitting paralyzed on the sofa, for hours or days?  Maybe it seems like you've been living in a cartoon. Things don't seem real to you, you're not a part of time.  Sometimes I feel like that myself.

When you're feeling helpless, afraid, immobilized, dazed, numbed, or stunned. When it becomes hard to think or act. Try to move. 

Move your fingers or your toes, or your body. Try to get that energy flowing. Once you do even a small amount of movement you are no longer stuck. 

If you can remember to move your finger back and forth, then your arm, you have just made a choice to reconnect with your body. Self-soothing works here too. By gently stroking your hand or your arm or your shoulder, you activate energy.

Try pressing the thumb of one hand into the palm of the other. Apply enough pressure to bring yourself back to consciousness, and to your feelings. You have just brought time back into the picture.

Once you create options for yourself, you don't feel so paralyzed. Once you open up a little, and let the energy flow, you'll be tapping in to a sense of your power.

Watch the energy spread, growing into self-acceptance and creativity. Marvel at how it fills you with a new experience of yourself and new ways of relating to others.

"Don't Fear Change. Change Fear"

Morphizm.com reviews film, music and culture. It's a cool site that gets it right when it proclaims: "Don't Fear Change. Change Fear."

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs  

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

Fear, Anger and Outrage

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
March, 2009

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Fear, Anger and Outrage
2. Rage is 'Anger with a History'
3. Scratch the Surface of Anger and You'll Find Fear
4. Unrealistic Expectations are Setups for Disappointment
5. Loss of Trust
6. Loss Feels Like Rejection
7. Tips for Coping with Fear
8. Contacting Elayne
9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Fear, Anger and Outrage
By Elayne Savage, PhD

I was about to send out an e-letter on Fear and Disappointment. That was before the AIG bonus reaction headlines began screaming: "Outrage." "Outrage." "Outrage."

References to "Populist Rage" and "Bailout Rage" abound. Note how the word 'anger' is barely used. The operative word appears to be 'Rage.'

'Rage' is a powerful word describing a powerful emotion.

Let's look at 'rage' and how is it is different from 'anger.' We can then see if 'rage' is what we're really feeling. Or is it what the media says we should be feeling? Next we can look at the connection between rage, anger and fear.

First I want to give you my definition of rage based on over 25 years as a psychotherapist, communication coach and workplace trainer.

Rage is 'Anger with a History'
In my writing and speaking programs I define rage as 'anger with a history.' Rage is an emotion beyond anger. The way I see it, anger relates to something happening in the present and reflects “now” feelings. By contrast, rage arises from overwhelming, sometimes unbearable feelings from the past.

A distressing event in the present can become unbearable when it reminds you of past painful experiences. These negative events collect in your memory. Before you know it, you’re overreacting and feeling out-of-control.

Old injustices stockpile into a repository of rage, just waiting to be disgorged.
When a similar event happens in the present, the stockpile ignites and you are having an intense reaction against those past injustices.

These strong feelings arise from perceived mistreatment at the hands of others. Perceived injustices. Betrayals. Disappointments and Loss. Road rage is a good example of how easily folks can overreact.                 http://www.QueenofRejection.com/article_roadrage.htm

If you are aware when your anger moves into rage, you might be able to slow down the process. Ask yourself if you are reminded of an incident from your history. Does it conjure up images when a parent or teacher did not support or defend you? Or times when peers treated you unfairly. Or times somebody important disappointed you terribly.

Scratch the Surface of Anger and You'll Find Fear
Even though rage is 'anger with a history,' it is still anger. Most often when you scratch the surface of anger, you'll find fear.

When you find yourself angry ask yourself:
"What am I afraid of?"
"What might happen?"
Once you begin to get a handle on it, write it down. Then read it out loud to yourself:

"I’m afraid that _____________."

Hearing yourself say the words gives form, shape, color, and texture to the fear and makes it more manageable.

Fear and anger are connected emotions. The 'Flight or Fight' response to stress shows how this is so. When we are faced with a stressful situation, we respond in one of two ways. By fear or anger. We protect ourselves from harm by running and hiding (flight) or by becoming angry and aggressive (fight).

We can also see the connection between fear and anger in other aggressive behaviors. The bully is a good example. The bully puffs him or herself up because underneath that tough exterior lies fear and vulnerability.

Anger (within reason) can be a good balance to fear. Anger is energizing whereas fear is energy draining. Anger at the AIG bailout and bonuses may be serving a useful purpose. It may serve to energize folks when they are feeling depleted, depressed, helpless or immobilized by the economic situation.

The feeling of helplessness is the scariest of all for some of us.

So let's talk a little about fears in this shaky economy.

Apprehension seems to be touching just about everyone. It's contagious. One person catches it from another. How is it affecting you? As anxiety grows, a kind of paralysis sets in. You may feel helpless, afraid, immobilized, dazed, numbed, or stunned. It's sometimes hard to think or act.

Tensions are great. Stress is rampant. Relationships are suffering.

Loss permeates all of this. Loss of jobs is accompanied by loss of income and loss of identity. Loss of homes or savings is permeated with loss of security and loss of well being. And for some, there is a loss of hope.

Coming face to face with loss and the fear of loss is difficult. This becomes even more complicated if it reminds you of a painful loss from your early years.

Unrealistic Expectations are Setups for Disappointment
Unmet expectations are another form of loss. As a child did you feel disappointed in someone or something? Perhaps someone made a promise they didn't deliver on. Or you didn't feel supported or defended in the face of perceived danger. Or you found out you couldn't count on someone you thought you could trust. These experiences stockpile, just waiting for the next disappointment to occur.

Who among us hasn't believed exaggerated promises or engaged in some wishful thinking or put someone on a pedestal? And then we watch them tumble off. Splat. 

Thinking positively and having hope is constructive. We just have to keep our expectations realistic. When they are too big they come crashing down to reality.  Unrealistic expectations are setups for disappointment, disillusionment, and resentment. When we're too invested in a certain outcome, we tend to take disappointment personally.

Loss of Trust 
Another loss you may be struggling with is loss of trust. This includes the powerful feelings of disloyalty and betrayal. Can you see how losing your job might feel unfair? Or disloyal? If you trusted promises of security that don't materialize, it may feel like betrayal.

Loss Feels Like Rejection
There's another layer of complexity here. Each of these losses and disappointments can feel like rejection or self-rejection. Rejection is feeling "dissed" in some way: Disrespected for sure. Also dismissed, discarded, dispensable, discounted, or dishonored.

When you are wounded at such a deep place, it's hard not to take it personally.

You may perceive yourself to be a target. You tend to see someone's actions as a personal affront. You feel slighted, or wronged, or attacked. This is what taking it personally is all about.

And because taking things personally is related to feeling rejected in some way, you may find your fear of rejection intensifies as well.

When you feel an injustice has been done, you may fear getting hurt again. The hurt may become anger and resentment. When old feelings of injustices from the past bubble up as well, the anger can turn into rage.

Since fear is the underbelly of anger, finding ways to cope with your fear is a good beginning.

Tips for Coping with Fear
- Give yourself permission to be afraid. These are unsettling times. However try not to cross the line into biting the 'fear bait' that gets thrown out by the media and politicians.

- Put a name to your worst fear. Say it out loud.

- Talk it out with someone if possible. Hearing yourself say what you most fear works wonders.

-  Make a plan. It provides structure and reassurance.

- Try not to take disappointments personally. It takes so much energy. Remind yourself, "This is not about me."

Master Yoda says, "“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

More on our fears and their childhood roots next month. With more tips, too. (Unless something else in the news calls out for attention again.)

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

Accusations, Projections and Rejections - More Lessons from the 2008 Election Campaign

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
October, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
 1. Accusations, Projections and Rejections -
     More Lessons from the 2008 Election Campaign
 2. Projection – Spreading the Garbage Around
 3. Littering Along the Campaign Trail
 4. The Frantic Dance of Anxiety and Projection
 5. A Case of Self-Protection Through Self-Rejection?
 6. About Those 'Blind Spots'
 7. Getting a Handle on Projection
 8. Contacting Elayne
 9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Accusations, Projections and Rejections -
More Lessons from the 2008 Election Campaign
By Elayne Savage, PhD

Last month I described intense reactions from my coaching and psychotherapy clients to the negative election campaigning. Especially unsettling were the doses of distortions, unpredictability, threats and fear, distractions, deflections and denial.

If you missed the piece, here's the link:
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2008/09/index.html

These days I'm hearing about another disturbing effect of this campaign: accusations appearing in the form of psychological projection. Let's take a look at some of the behaviors and how they affect our relationships. These are my impressions and are not meant to be a political statement.

Projection – Spreading the Garbage Around

Psychological projection is when one person mistakenly imagines that certain thoughts or feelings exist in the other person that they cannot acknowledge in
him or herself. They may even blame the other person for showing these feelings.

When undesirable thoughts or feelings intrude we can get anxious. Projection is an unconscious way of protecting ourselves from anxiety. It is a coping or defense mechanism for dealing with feelings we cannot come to terms with.

One woman says, “When we can’t own our own stuff, we try to give it away. I guess you could say that projection protects us from ourselves by spreading the garbage around.”

Littering Along the Campaign Trail

Every day we see examples of projection on the campaign trail. Mostly it comes in the form of accusations made by one camp about the other. Accusations about voter fraud, health care plans, tax plans, negative ads.  More accusations fly about who is to blame for the economic crisis and who is associated with the big players in the mortgage industry.

And of course there are the accusations about the accusations. Whose ads are the most negative? Who is the most disrespectful or sleazy? The word used often in the media these days is "vile."

Lately allegations are also surfacing as infighting within one of the campaigns. Team members are accusing each other of wrongdoing.

The mass of insinuations and projections in this election have been unsettling to my clients. It reminds them of all the projections they have experienced in their personal lives. Unfounded accusations from parents, sibs, teachers, or peers. Accusations that didn't fit. And no wonder. The accuser was most likely talking about him or herself. It's hard not to take finger pointing personally. It certainly feels like a personal attack.

There is an old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing. When someone is pointing their finger at you, remind yourself that three fingers are pointing right back at the person pointing. The SNL folks got it right. It helps put things in perspective.

It's a reminder worth repeating to yourself:
"This is not about me.
This is most likely about the other person.
They are probably talking about themselves.
What might they be saying?"

The Frantic Dance of Anxiety and Projection

So let's take a look at how projection operates and how it affects relationships.

Anytime you have unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears your anxiety level can  shoot up. Your tendency would be to protect yourself from experiencing the anxiety associated with these thoughts and feelings. A common way is to unconsciously attribute them to others.

When thoughts or fears are too hot to handle we want to get rid of them. You might toss it over to someone else. Partners, friends or co-workers are handy recipients.

A Case of Self-Protection Through Self-Rejection?

When family or society deems something unacceptable, we tend to submerge it. We relegate it to the depths of our being. And because it's not safe to show up, these traits  become our 'shadow side.'

For example, Jerry grew up in a family where he was taught that his angry feelings are unacceptable. So he learned to bury them at an early age. As an adult he cannot acknowledge any angry feelings he may be having.

So he says to anyone who will listen, "I never get angry."  Well, he probably does. He just doesn't recognize the feeling as anger.

So what does Jerry do with this anger? How does he deal with the anxiety it creates? He might unconsciously project it onto his partner (or friend or co-worker.) He may see the other person as 'the angry one, the one with the temper.'

He may cue or prod or even provoke that person to get angry.

In other words, his partner is expressing the anger for him. While he is calmly berating his partner about overreacting, he doesn't have to experience the anger as his own.

He doesn't have to own his anger or see himself as an angry person. The anger that he can’t deal with in himself is “out there” courtesy of his partner. He can deal with it vicariously.

In a similar way, the “never sad” person sees his or her own depressed moods only in the partner. And the partner unconsciously conforms to the projection and carries the sadness for them both.

The "always honest" or "always dependable" person might see another person as untrustworthy or manipulative or unreliable. A closer look would show that these are his or her own unacknowledged tendencies. 

About Those 'Blind Spots'

I write in 'Breathing Room – Creating Space to Be a Couple': Parts of our personalities stay hidden from us because we learned at an early age that they were not acceptable to others, and, therefore, they become unacceptable to us. When we were children, we began to notice how we brought on someone’s displeasure by displaying certain emotions or behaviors. We said or did “bad” things that were rejected by others—so we submerged them." 
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

In other words, we learn to reject certain parts of ourselves.

These traits are so well hidden that they become our 'blind spots' and affect our relationships with others. When we can't see something, it's difficult to choose to change it.

Getting a Handle on Projection

Have you ever noticed how traits you can't tolerate in others are often the things you can’t stand about yourself? These might include your anger, your sadness, your tendency to be stubborn or flirtatious or too loud or pushy or competitive or controlling.

If you find yourself attributing feelings or thoughts to someone else why not take some time to ask yourself if you could possibly have the same trait. Could you be dealing with it by projecting it onto the other person?

In spite of the disturbing nature of the campaigning we can learn a lot about ourselves by noticing it's effect on us. Projection is all too common in relationships. It helps to get a handle on it. AND it would give self-acceptance a chance to flourish.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now. http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions
for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential. I
will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Elayne Savage

On a Fast Moving Merry-Go-Round — Taking the 2008 Election Campaign Personally

Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
September, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
 1. On a Fast Moving Merry-Go-Round —
     Taking the 2008 Election Campaign Personally
 2. Using My Trusty Through-the-Rejection-Lens
 3. A Trainload of Personal Attacks
 4. And Then There's the Lying
 5. Bullying Someone into Action
 6. Threats and Fear
 7. The Scariness of Unpredictability
 8. Evasiveness, Deflections and Distractions
 9. "You Can Fool Some of the People Some of the Time . . ."
10. The Trickle-Down effect
11. "What's Going to Happen to Me?"
12 . Contacting Elayne
13 . Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

On a Fast Moving Merry-Go-Round —
Taking the 2008 Election Campaign Personally

By Elayne Savage, PhD

It makes my head swim. There's a creepy rejection and deception energy swirling around as we lurch through this election campaign. It has an unsettling effect on me. I feel confused. Uneasy. Queasy. Scared.

Moreover, I'm realizing I seem to be absorbing this negativity. and it is polluting my work and personal relationships.

I'm hearing similar musings from my coaching and psychotherapy clients, friends and colleagues. They talk about being uncomfortable, "off kilter," "filled with dread." I hear phrases like:  "it's crazy-making," and "it feels like a kick in the gut." They talk about how snippy and snarly they have been with other people at home, in the workplace, in the marketplace. 

Me too. I seem to be edgy, taking things personally. Losing my cool.

Then I got it. It's the Political Campaign. We're reacting to and reflecting the outrageous behaviors and misbehaviors.  Picking up the energy of what's going on with others, and imitating it.

I began thinking this through, looking for the causes of these uncomfortable behaviors folks are describing.

Writing about it helps. Why not share my thoughts and feelings with you. so I include here a bit of an overview of some ideas I've been thinking about.

This e-letter is not meant to be a political statement. My descriptions are my impressions of some behaviors that appear to  exist and how they affect us.

I'm thinking that giving language and form to some of the  feelings that could be surfacing, may help us get through the election and beyond.

Using My Trusty Through-the-Rejection-Lens

So I took out my trusty through the rejection-lens and studied the creature. Up close and personal. That's the problem of course. There is way too much up close and personal in this campaign. There is an uncomfortable amount of in-your-face onslaught.

In the January 2008 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®, I wrote: "I don’t believe I’ve ever experienced political campaigning where there have been so many personal attacks. The ante gets upped and the bitterness grows each day.

I continued: "It would be difficult not to take things personally in this campaign. One personal affront after another is hurled through space. Not exactly 'Ready. Aim. Fire.'  More like 'Ready. Fire. Aim.'
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2008/01/index.html

When I wrote those words during the primaries, I didn't dream how much the viciousness of the attacks would escalate.

A Trainload of Personal Attacks

I've never seen an election like this one and it's really getting to me. every day I I feel contaminated by the negative energy of it. I hate the way it has been affecting my interactions with others.

Maybe you, too, find yourself reacting the way I do to this bombardment of rejection messages. And every hour of every day the press reports these out of control behaviors.

'Mocking' is the Word du Jour. But last week and the week before there were lots of other rejection words: Belittling, Scoffing, Slighting, Insulting, Faulting, Deceiving. Accusing, Attacking, Criticizing. 

Then of course there are the whole range of "diss" words that I often write about: disrespecting, disdaining, dismissing, discounting, disparaging, disenfranchising and the dozens of others.

The common denominator of these words is rejection. And rejection hurts.

I cringe when I hear these stories of people disrespecting each other like this. It makes me sick to my stomach. I grew up on the receiving end of subtle and not-so-subtle rejection messages. From family, teachers and peers. Perhaps you did too.

And Then There's the Lying

I used to hate it when I was lied to as a kid. I guess I've always been overly sensitive to untruths and half-truths. I'd give myself the message that I wasn't worth respecting with the truth.

I was unbelievably sensitive to lying when I was a child. I remember asking my dad about the wall calendar hanging above my grandmother's telephone. It was a picture of a large animal standing in water. I asked him what the animal was. He made up an answer. I guess that was easier for him than saying he didn't know.  But it wasn't easier for me.

I never quite forgave my father for that.

This election is so chock-full of lies, half-truths, evasiveness and exaggerations. I even  find myself checking things out with FactCheck.org every day.

Bullying Someone into Action

The current crisis of the economy reminds me of another critical message from long ago. Someone would be commanding me to "Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up."  In order to please and not get into trouble, some of us felt the need to drop everything and rush to action or into a decision.

My own discomfort rises as I watch congress feel the need to "hurry up." My stomach knots up at the memory.

Threats and Fear

It's not too hard for me to become fearful when something sounds like a threat. I grew up with lots of that. "If you don't behave, I'll leave you in the department store." or "Wait until your father gets home."

As you can imagine, fear-based campaigning has a potent effect on me. It sends shivers up my spine. It messes with my sense of security. And affects how I
interact with others in my life.

The Scariness of Unpredictability

If you ever experienced interacting with an unpredictable family member or boss or friend, you know how it feels to be afraid.

This campaign has surely had its twists and turns and excitement. However sometimes the line gets crossed with a bit too much drama. Frankly, I can do without it. It's a little too reminiscent of my growing up experiences. Sheesh.

Evasiveness, Deflections and Distractions

Another way this election is getting to me concerns the evasions, deflections and distractions. Some of us grew up in families where you ask a question but never get a straight answer. The subject gets changed, the issue gets skirted, and you are left dangling.

My brother Lee and I would joke that our father sometimes talked like he had a mouth full of cotton. Insulating and sound-proofing himself.

I find the attempts at election event postponements quite irritating. And many of my clients say it troubles them as well. Postponements are disappointing. And disappointments feel like rejections. Especially when we have certain expectations and are looking forward to something.

Some of my clients are reminded of growing up in a divorced household. They remember how they'd look forward to a visit from mom or dad. And when it got postponed and didn't materialize, it was devastating. There's that self-rejecting message again: "They don't care enough. I'm not worth it. I'm no good."

"You Can Fool Some of the People Some of the Time . . ."

For me, the most uncomfortable and confusing part  of this whole surreal election drama is the repeated denial of present and previous statements and actions.

Denial is becoming so rampant that I'm beginning to doubt my own eyes and ears. It feels like they are telling me I didn't see it or I didn't hear it.

It reminds me of growing up experiences when it felt someone was putting cotton in my ears or pulling the wool over my eyes.

Perhaps some of you grew up with these kinds of denials as well: "That didn't happen. You must have made it up." "I didn't say that." You really didn't have a nightmare, you're imagining it."

Scottish psychiatrist, R.D. Laing calls this 'mystification.' He describes it as a 'manipulative maneuver,' an attempt to "befuddle, cloud, obscure, mask" whatever is going on.

The child's feelings are denied and the child begins to mistrust his or her own perceptions. You might say this inability to distinguish the actual issues can feel confusing, and even 'crazy making.'

Laing's article begins with: "You can fool some of the people some of the time . . . ." 

I don't like being fooled. It brings back uncomfortable childhood memories of manipulation and exploitation. Certainly brings up feelings of rejection. And all too often, the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult

The Trickle-Down Effect

When I'm feeling affected by what the world is throwing at me, it helps a lot to remember the concept of 'isomorphism.' (Similar terms are 'parallel process' and 'social contagion.')

You’ve probably noticed how images in television commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example, a human face will change into a lion’s face or an antelope will transform into a car— right before your eyes.

Well, this is what happens with some interactions as well.  One process takes on the same properties as another. One contextual experience that may be old may be replicated by another experience in the present. Or two present-day situations may be similar to each other. It is a mirroring of one situation by another. A reflection of one by the other. We pick up the energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it. 

This is “isomorphism,” as we watch the character and temperament of one
candidate trickle down to staff and electorate.

Allen Roland - http://www.AllenRoland.com - calls this Rivero's Rule of mass morals. Where "organizations inherit the personality and moral ethics of the person at the very top." 

"What's Going to Happen to Me?"

The way I look at it, here is the bottom line for many of us. The experience of this campaign is similar to that of a child when parents are arguing, hurling insults, hurting each other. And in the child's mind, the family is falling apart right before their eyes. This is a very devastating time this can be.

And the child wonders, "What's going to happen to me?"

© Elayne Savage, PhD

'Til next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now. http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions
for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential. I
will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Elayne Savage

"Well, Bully, Bully for You" - In Politics, The Workplace, With Peers

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
August, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1. "Well, Bully, Bully for You" - In Politics, The Workplace,
    With Peers
2. Facing off with the Blackberries
3. 'Bullying Takes Twisted Turn for the Worse'
4. Memories of 'The Original Humiliation'
5. The 'Code of the Streets'
6. Bully-Busting Tips
7. Contacting Elayne
8. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

"Well, Bully, Bully for You" - In Politics, The Workplace, With Peers
By Elayne Savage, PhD

OK, so this August e-letter is just under the wire. They don't 
call me 'under-the-wire-Elayne' for nothing. No excuses though.
Nor am I  going to give myself a hard time about it. That would
be self-bullying.  That's not good. I choose, instead, to be
compassionate. With myself.

I guess I have bullying on my mind these days. I know I just
wrote about workplace bullying last month.

Everywhere I turn I hear bully stories. I hear the stories from my
coaching, consultation and psychotherapy clients. I hear the
stories from workshop participants when I present a program.

Bullying stories are all around me in surround sound. Work
related, school-based, Internet-aided.

On  top of all this, there are the amplified attacks on the
political campaign trail. Bully behavior.

Each time I hear a new story or read about the latest political
barb, it reminds me how devastating a bullying experience can be.
How deeply it penetrates. How powerful an effect it can have for
years to come. Even one bad experience. Especially in childhood.

You've probably guessed I was one of those bullied children.

Facing off with the Blackberries

Something happened the other day which brought me face to face
with the memory of those old hurts. I had a surreal encounter
with a blackberry bush in my back yard. I was stretching for that
just out of reach cluster of ripe berries. And stretching. Deeper
and deeper into the thicket.

Before I knew it, the brambles wrapped around me. Tighter and
tighter. The thorns tore my skin. It was pretty scary. The
tendrils took on a life of their own.

I was in their clutches and couldn't escape. "How can this be
happening to me?"

I felt  'caught' and helpless. Not too different from that
powerless feeling of getting bullied. I wasn't taking very good
care of myself to get into this situation. Much like the times I
got bullied as a child. I walked right into it.

I managed to extricate myself but not without causing lots of
damage.

Yes, I understand bullying. I'm often interviewed about how
bullying is a form of rejection, how easy it is to take it
personally and how it affects self-esteem.

'Bullying Takes Twisted Turn for the Worse'

Recently I was interviewed by Regan McMahon for a really
informative piece on childhood bullying. It appeared on the front
page of the Sunday SF Chronicle on 8/17/08.

It's well worth reading and has great resources. Here's the link: 

http://tinyurl.com/665ru4

Memories of 'The Original Humiliation'

With each bully story I hear, with each interview I give, I am
transported back to 'The Original Humiliation.' It was that awful
incident on the Langdon School playground in Washington, D.C.
when I was mortified in front of everyone on the playground.
I was 5 years old.

I describe this experience in my first book DON'T TAKE IT
PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION:

http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

"One day as I walked into school, onto the playground, the cutest boy in class came bounding up to me. He asked if he could walk me across the playground. (Me?) I was so excited--all the girls would

see me walking with him.

Then as we walked together, he asked if he could hold my hand.
(Hold my hand?) He chose me to walk with, he chose me to talk to,
he chose me to hold hands with. I was in heaven. Then suddenly I
felt a terrible sharp pain in my thumb, and he ran off.

I looked down at my thumbnail. It was bloody. He'd dug his
fingernail into my cuticle. It only took a split second for me
to go from feeling special to feeling humiliated. And besides
that, it really hurt.

It's said that we develop an image of who we are by the way we're
treated by others. If others treat us with respect, we feel
cherished and come to think of ourselves as loveable. If we're
treated with scorn, we feel reviled, and come to think of
ourselves as unlovable. When peer relationships are destructive,
scars form--that are not easily healed.

As you may have guessed, the memory of the playground incident
didn't just evaporate. It affected my ability to trust others
for many years to come.

For the longest time I kept wondering why that boy didn't like
me, what I might have done to cause him to do that to me. I'll
bet that boy had no idea he'd have such a profound influence on
my future social development."

The 'Code of the Streets'

We learn the rules of behavior on our neighborhood streets.
Respect is the essence of this "code of the streets."
Who doesn't yearn to be accorded esteem?

You learn the hard way that you're nothing without respect and
you do what it takes to get it.  On some streets this means
showing off by being the brightest, most clever or most cunning.
On other streets this means developing a talent for "dissing"
others by tough talk, bullying or aggressive behaviors. You
learn the importance of "saving face."

Growing up in DC, I was confused by how the 'lines in the sand'
got drawn in my neighborhood. One morning I'd be playing with
the girl next door. That afternoon her older brother would
threaten to beat me up.

Later the parents would lean over the row house railing and
spit on my front porch. . Did I take it personally? You bet I
did. What a bewildering and rejecting growing up experience for
a child. Bully behavior.

These were tough lessons, but I did learn from them well enough
to share my lessons with you.

Bully-Busting Tips

Here, again, are my tips for handling bullies (from the 'Don Imus
the Schoolyard Bully' e-letter:

http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/04/index.html 

10 TIPS FOR BULLY-BUSTING
If you find yourself on the receiving end of bullying, remind
yourself:

    - The bully is most likely not feeling very good about him
      or herself. In fact, he or she is probably feeling
      insecure, anxious, hurting, ineffectual, or vulnerable.
          Maybe all of the above.

    - When the bully inflates him or herself, this takes up a
      lot of space. Your space. Stand your ground and keep your
      space so you won't so easily deflate and feel diminished.

    - The best defense against a bully is taking action - any kind
      of action.

    - FIRMLY tell the person that his or her behavior is not
      acceptable. Ask them to stop immediately.

    - Try to separate the "then" from the "now." Remember if you
      find yourself overreacting, early rejection messages might
      be involved here.                          

    - Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Remind yourself
      that teasing is bullying and bullies are feeling neither
      good about themselves nor powerful in that moment. When
      they bully, they are only puffing themselves up to feel
      more powerful.

    - Practice speaking up about your feelings instead of
      harboring hurt and resentment. For example, "I heard you
      say "________________." 
      When you said that it felt like
      you were teasing. Even if you didn't intend it, I found
      myself getting confused and upset.  I hope our future
      exchanges can be free of that."

    - Take a deep breath and set your personal boundaries. Then
      state your position clearly.

    - You can allow them space to vent and express
      frustration. However, you do not have to let them become
      abusive. If they do, you can firmly remind them that their
      behavior is not acceptable.

    - And remember, the best way to get someone to give YOU
      respect is to show respect to them. Think about something
      you can appreciate about the other person. It can be
      something inconsequential. Maybe their choice of colors,
      their laugh, their eyes. Then concentrate on the something.
      They'll see respect in your eyes and just maybe it'll come
      right back at ya.

You can read more on bullying and how to handle it from my
March 2008 e-letter: 'Take Those Miserable Middle School
Memories . . . Please'

http://tinyurl.com/639zgq

The long-term effects of bullying are evident by the many of
Internet responses to the SF Chronicle Bullying article. And by
the emails I received. Lots of folks described how the article
reawakened memories of earlier experiences - often from
childhood. Memories that replay again and again in their adult
lives. Mostly affecting trust.

© 2008 Elayne Savage, PhD

You don't have to keep re-living painful memories.
Especially when they might be interfering with present day
professional or personal relationships.
Contact me to see if a consultation could be helpful to you.

'Til next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions
for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential. I
will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Elayne Savage

"That Hurts My Feelings"

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
January, 2008

Welcome to the 15th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM)

IN THIS ISSUE
1. A Thank-you Note from Hillary Clinton
2. Sticks and Stones . . .
3. How We Take Things Personally - Let Me Count the Ways
4. If You Win, Do I Lose?
5. So What Can You Do About It?
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. A THANK-YOU NOTE FROM HILLARY CLINTON

I have a note from Hillary Clinton, thanking me for my first book,
DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! The book was passed along to
her by Tipper Gore. The note, dated August 12, 1999, is written on
creamy stationary; the signature is bold and blue. The  letterhead
says simply, The White House, Washington, D.C.

I sure hope Hillary has a chance to re-read this book.  It will
come in mighty handy during this campaign.

During the New Hampshire TV debate Charlie Gibson's colleague,
Scott Spradling, asked Senator Clinton, "What can you say to the
voters of New Hampshire on this stage tonight who see your resume
and like it but are hesitating on the likeability issue, where they
seem to like Barack Obama more?"

After a beat, Hillary acknowledged, "Well, that hurts my feelings."

And for a moment, it seemed her guard came down. For a moment
it seemed she was like the rest of us. We all have feelings that
sometimes get hurt.

Well, how about that? Hillary Clinton's feelings can get hurt. Like
yours or mine.
I can identify.  My feelings get hurt all the time.
And I bet some of you have been there too.

2. STICKS AND STONES . . .

The press is using some powerful words to to describe the current
political sparring. It's as if these words have jumped right off of
the pages of my books, articles, and seminar notes:

- Slighting
- Dismissing
- Discounting
- Discrediting
- Insulting
- Mocking
- Hurting
- Offending
- Affronting
- Judging
- Faulting
- Sniping
- Accusing
- Attacking
- Slamming
- Criticizing
- Smearing
- Bullying
- Humiliating

These are, or course, all facets of rejection. Do the images they
conjure up make you wince as much as they do me?

Some folks say Senator Clinton's surprising win in N.H. vote was
because she was close to tears the following day. I'm not so sure it
was just that.  I have my own theory about why votes swung to her.

I think her admission about hurt feelings touched many people.

Haven't most of us have experienced similar feelings?
Especially when we are confronted, embarrassed, or mortified in
public.

This e-letter is not meant to be a political statement.  However, I
don't believe I've ever experienced political campaigning where
there have been so many personal attacks. The ante gets upped and
and the bitterness grows each day.

It would be difficult not to take things personally in this
campaign. One personal affront after another is hurled through
space. Not exactly Ready. Aim. Fire.  More like Ready. Fire. Aim.

3. HOW WE TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY - LET ME COUNT THE WAYS

Let's look at some of the ways we take things personally:

-  Taking offense at and overreacting to perceived slights

-  Tending to believe there is intent even if there is not.

-  Taking things the wrong way, or taking things the right way but
   your feelings get easily hurt. 

-  Believing folks are taking sides -- for you or against
   you. 

-  Getting upset when other people don't see things the way you do. 

-  Feeling unfairly criticized, blamed or disrespected

-  Feeling slighted or wronged or even attacked.

-  Developing hurt feelings and misunderstandings

Taking things personally can lead to misunderstandings and hurt
feelings, disappointments, and breakdowns in communication.  It's
been known to lead to termination of jobs, friendships, and
romances. 

When we feel attacked, we mobilize to defend . . . and the battle
lines are drawn.

Sound familiar?

4. IF YOU WIN, DO I LOSE?

It's very easy in the arena of politics to draw battle lines.
Discussing politics with friends or family is all too often a
set-up for rejection and taking things personally. 

These "discussions" soon turn into arguments. Issues become
"right" or "wrong." People become polarized, "I'm right, you're wrong," or
"If you're right, that might make me wrong -- and I can't stand to be
wrong."

This polarization is not only playing out in the family arena. Now
it has expanded to the national arena. Candidate pitted against
candidate. Voter against voter.

5. SO WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

First of all, learn to identify when you're taking something
personally and determine if rejection is the issue.  When you know
what it is you' re feeling, you can do something about changing it.
You might start with asking yourself a few questions to gain some
distance from the "charge."

    -  Am I taking this personally?  How?

    -  Is there any cause for me to feel threatened?
    -  Am I feeling rejected in some way?

Then practice "dis-identifying," taking a step back, staying
objective and detached.  Not easy to do, of course.  However
do-able with practice.

Using a little light humor helps a lot.  After all, isn't that
exactly what Hillary Clinton did after she acknowledged how she
felt about the "likeability" issue?

© Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Wishing you a wonderful New Year.
Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

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A COUPLE from Amazon:
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