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ELAYNE SAVAGE
February 28, 2023
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December 31, 2022
Liar, Liar Pants on Fire
By Elayne Savage, PhD
I really hate being lied to and I’m having a huge reaction to the blatant lying that’s going on politically.
I feel my stomach knotting up as I recall my childhood confusion in trying so hard to distinguish what is truth and what is made up.
Congressman-elect George Santos’ recently exposed lies and misstatements and exaggerations and distortions and hypocrisy brings on a full-fledged case of PTSD for me.
I'm sure it's because I grew up in a confusing and chaotic world of Alternative Facts. Falsehoods. Deceptions. Deflections. Concealment. Evasion. Misrepresentation. And Secrecy.
As much as I try to wear my Big Girl pants, any flavor of lie can cause a gut reaction. And this includes lies by omission – deliberately withholding important facts.
I hear similar stories from workplace and therapy clients about the times they have felt betrayed by a person or a group that they trusted.
Even small lies can seem big to a little kid – like when you asked a question and were given whatever information was handy at the time because the grownups probably didn’t know the real answer. And some of us who are overly-sensitive to these kinds of things, seeing the dismissal as a rejection and taking it personally.
And all too often all these years later the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult.
And I hated it when I told “Don’t tattle” they'd say when I tried to report a behavior that made me uncomfortable. “Your Uncle would never say something like that. You’re just imagining it!” It's like I get blamed and accused of lying!
How rejecting it is to have perceptions and feelings discounted and invalidated!
I began to doubt my own perceptions and question what I thought I saw or heard or did.
I remember how badly I wanted a poodle skirt in Junior High School. My dad said we couldn’t afford one so I went to several stores to get ideas. Then I bought an inexpensive, plain felt skirt (pink, of course) and made a wonderful fluffy gray poodle to stitch onto it. I made little individual loops of gray yarn for the ears, chest, and tail. Then I made a rhinestone collar and gold leash. I was really proud of that skirt — to me it looked as good as store-bought.
I wasn’t prepared for what happened next. My aunt asked me where I bought the skirt so she could buy one for my cousin. When I told her I made the poodle, she said, “You’re lying. You couldn’t possibly have made this skirt.”
I was stupefied. And then I actually began to doubt if I did indeed make the poodle. After all, she spoke with so much authority when she told me I was lying that I believed her.
If our impressions are invalidated and discounted, we learn to discount ourselves as well. And we begin to reject ourselves.
It’s Like Traveling Through the Looking Glass and Falling Down the Rabbit Hole
Do you remember when you were little, thinking your mom or dad looked upset, and asking, “Are you sad?” And did they ever quickly say, “No, you’re imagining it.”
I was always getting confused about things like that. I began to regard my own observations and senses as unreliable guides. I didn’t know what was real and hardly dared to ask. If I risked saying how I felt, they’d respond, “You must be kidding.” I perceived the underlying message to be, “Are you crazy?”
When I was able to put words to it, I realized our conversations were often a combination of vague generalities, distorted reasoning and constantly changing the subject. Drama and chaos served to distract from goings-on that really needed attention.
There seemed to be an unspoken family rule against asking questions to clarify and define.
It felt like walking through the Looking Glass where "Everything Up is Down. Everything Down is Up." A surreal and crazy-making Wonderland-ish quality with a parallel universe, an alternate reality.
The Cheshire Cat nailed it: “We’re all crazy here.”
And now it's like déjà vu when daily news reports recreate that same crazy-making experience – complete with denials, distractions, alternative facts. And gaslighting.
“You’re imagining it!”
“You didn’t hear me say that.”
“You must have misunderstood.”
“No, that’s not what you saw!”
“It’s all in your head.”
“What? Are you crazy?”
So, What Exactly is Gaslighting?
When I was a psychology doctoral student gaslighting was a term we used to describe narcissistic, sociopathic or abusive relationships where one person purposefully denied the perceived reality of the partner.
The term comes from the 1940’s film Gaslight with Charles Boyer, Ingrid Bergman and Joseph Cotton, about a woman whose husband, in order to distract her from his criminal activities, manipulates her into questioning her perception of reality, He deliberately dims the gaslights in the house, and when his wife comments on it he tells her she’s “imagining it.“ She begins to believe she is going insane.
Gaslighting has become a popular term as described by Frida Ghitis, CNN Opinion Contributor, these include:
"saying and doing things and then denying it, blaming others for misunderstanding, disparaging their concerns as oversensitivity, claiming outrageous statements were jokes or misunderstandings, and other forms of twilighting the truth"
Over the years I’ve blogged about mystification, Scottish psychiatrist R. D. Laing’s observations of communication styles in highly dysfunctional families – attempts to befuddle, cloud, obscure, and mask what is really going on.
Todays popular term “gaslighting” has taken on some of the same meaning as Laing's "Mystification" ideas.
What If Someone Believes Their Own Lies?
Does repeating a lie make it appear true?
And what if someone is fooling him or herself? What if their reality is different from that of most other folks? What if they have difficulty distinguishing Fact from Fiction? Reality from Fantasy?
And what if when someone tries to correct them, they seem to cover their ears and sing loudly to block out the truth.
Permission to Act Badly
How do folks think they can get away with this this kind of blatant lying? The answer is we watch toxic behavior of others and we copy it. It’s like they are giving us permission to act that way. Lying is a good example.
Over the years I’ve been blogging about how attitudes, moral character, values and temperament appear to be trickling down from our political leaders into our workplace and personal lives.
Catching the Disrespect Virus
Let’s start with understanding why there seems to be such a toxic atmosphere around: disrespect, black and white thinking, contentious behavior, personal attacks, sharp tones of voice, aggressiveness, nastiness, character assassination, outbursts, bullying, anger and rage, vindictiveness, outright lying, and deflections.
And there seems to be an inability to take responsibility for actions and say “I made a mistake and I’m sorry.”
I’m hearing about this trickle down from psychotherapy and workplace clients and from friends and colleagues.
I’m hearing about it from schoolteachers where bullying, name-calling and cultural slurs are becoming rampant, even in kindergarten.
I’m hearing stories about extreme polarization, arguments and short tempers at dinner tables and in meetings with coworkers or committee members.
As if someone said it’s OK. And by their actions and words they did sort of give permission.
Could it be that many of us are catching the disrespect virus that keeps popping up all around us?
It’s as if we are being given permission by our former president, the person who used to hold highest office in the land to act out in similar ways to what we observe happening in Congress. Ways that normally would cross our boundaries of appropriateness and propriety.
For many of us seeing these behaviors brings back uncomfortable childhood memories of manipulation and exploitation.
For many of us it brings up old feelings of rejection.
And all too often for most of us, the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult.
Connected to mystification is obfuscation - the willful concealment of meaning in communication, making it ambiguous, confusing and hard to interpret.
Whenever I’m exposed to gaslighting I feel like a child again, –– confused, befuddled and finding myself mistrusting my own perceptions. And learning to mistrust others.
Psychological Projection Can Be Crazy-making
Even more crazy-making is psychological projection – when one person blames the other for their own unacceptable behavior, undesirable thoughts and feelings, or their own limitations.
They may be projecting onto you their own dark side, their own blind spots.
We see it in campaigning all the time: in the form of accusations made by one party about the other. Accusations about voter fraud, health care plans, tax plans, the economic crisis, negative ads, and Covid.
My workplace and psychotherapy clients are experiencing effects of this and to be honest, it's really getting to me too.
Every day I feel increasingly contaminated by the negative energy of it. I hate the way it has been affecting my interactions with others . . . and with myself.
Have you, too, been experiencing contentious behaviors in your family or work situations? Or have you found yourself losing control more than usual?
What Is All This Mirroring About?
It is useful here to understand the concept of isomorphism (sometimes referred to as ‘parallel process’ or ‘social contagion.’)
You’ve probably noticed how images in TV commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example as you watch, a human face changes into a lion’s face or an antelope transforms into a car.
Well, this is what happens with many interactions as well. One process morphs into another — taking on the same properties.
It is a mirroring of one situation by another, a reflection of one by the other. We pick up the mood or energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it – often unknowingly until it is pointed out.
When attitude, character and temperament seem to trickle down, this is isomorphism.
When this culture of disrespect affects global interactions, this is isomorphism.
When our interactions with family or friends or neighbors or coworkers or colleagues appear to be permeated by the negative qualities of politicians, this is isomorphism.
And there is something contagious about this kind of contentious, pervasive and toxic behavior. Could it be that many of us of catching the disrespect virus that keeps popping up all around us?
Politics have become so full of lies, half-truths, evasiveness and exaggerations I finding myself checking things out regularly with the AP Fact Checks at http://apnews.com/APFactCheck
Or with Politifact.com at
Interestingly, R.D. Laing's article on Mystification begins with: "You can fool some of the people some of the time . . . ."
I really don't like being fooled.
Now in this New Year, I’m hoping to hear more sincerity, honesty truth, and the ability to say, ”I’m sorry, I made a mistake.”
More about R.D.Laing’s work:
R.D. Laing: Mystification, Confusion and Conflict
http://www.laingsociety.org/biblio/mystification.htm
More on Lying: When Does Lying Become Compulsive or Pathological?
https://psychcentral.com/blog/deliberately-untruthful-normal-vs-abnormal-lying
Sending you Warm Wishes for a Happy New Year!
Until next month,
Elayne
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November 30, 2022
Broadsided by Antisemitism
By Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / nialowwa
I never expected to feel so afraid again in my lifetime.
But here we are - stories in the news just about every day now of rampant antisemitism and so many other types of cringe-worthy hateful behaviors.
For me it’s like a kind of PTSD –– an uncontrollable body reaction from my childhood. Vivid memories of spiteful hurtful words coming out of mouths twisted up with anger.
I was 7 years old when my next door neighbors were spitting at me from their adjoining porch. As they spat out “Dirty Jew” it seemed like they were foaming at the mouth.
The teenage son Johnny would block my path with his bike as I walked down our alley and he'd threaten to hurt me because I was a “Dirty Jew.”
But here’s the most upsetting part: the daughter Marion was my regular playmate and good friend. We had so much fun practicing song and dance routines in her basement. I especially remember:
“While strolling through the park one day,
In the merry merry month of May,
I was taken by surprise,
By a pair of roguish eyes,
In a moment my poor heart was stole away.”
And Marion taught me some Italian too – the words to the lullaby
"Chi-baba, chi-baba, chi-wawa
My bambino kook-a la goombah
Chi-baba, chi-baba, chi-wawa my bambino go to sleep!"
And I've never forgotten them.
I remember the day we took a long walk together and as we were passing her church she invited me inside, led me to the altar and showed me how to light the candles.
I still never miss a chance to spend time in a church or cathedral and I always light candles, remembering those times with Marion.
I’m always hoping these sweet, dear remembrances will balance the snarl and hateful words of the parents, but alas, no.
PTSD-Like Flashbacks
Something always sets off this old fearful visceral response.
Often it’s something I hear or read connected to hatred, and I cringe from the reawakening of those foaming-at-the-mouth memories.
As you may have guessed the latest incident was when two men known for their racist and antisemitic beliefs were welcomed for dinner at Mar-a-Lago by Donald J. Trump –– Ye (formerly known as rapper Kanye West) and Holocaust Denier Nick Fuentes.
Ye has recently been condemned for making antisemitic comments on social media and he felt the consequences of his actions when several businesses severed ties with him.
Nick Fuentes is well-known as a White Supremacist, anti-Semite and Holocaust Denier. He was a college student when he came to prominence during the Charlottesville ‘Unite the Right’ rally in 2017 – where the marchers chanted “Jews will not replace us.”
That day, hearing those chants, I really grasped the frightening extent of today’s antisemitism.
On the February 2022 livestream of his ‘America First’ program, Fuentes announced “I’m just like Hitler.”
This dinner invitation was clearly an ill-thought-out action that will likely be interpreted as an invitation or directive for encouraging, legitimizing, and normalizing bigotry.
It easily can become a coded message, a ‘dog-whistle’ to embolden suggestible folks to engage in scary hateful acting-out behaviors.
And the consequences of giving permission to express hatred could be deadly.
Giving Permission – A Double Edged Sword
I’m fascinated with the various aspects of ‘giving permission.’
In my work with therapy and workplace clients almost every day I have the opportunity to ‘give permission’ for them to try out new ideas and behaviors and skills. I love to be able to help clients recognize that in tough or stressful situations they do have choices and can expand their options.
They can choose to give themselves permission to recognize and ask for what they need. Permission to keep their expectations realistic. Permission to experience success by doing a 'good enough' job. Permission to try out new ideas, behaviors and skills. Permission to check things out with the other person and not presume meaning or intent.
Permission-giving happens in the business world as well when the company culture actually encourages shady behaviors by way of 'winks and nods' and ‘turning a blind eye’ when management, sets the “Tone at the Top.”
And then, there is the scary Dark Side of being given permission and encouragement to express anger and frustration and hatred by engaging in bullying behavior or creating violence and turmoil through verbal and physical attacks or even committing mass killings including the copycatting of violent behavior.
(By the way, usually bullies need to puff themselves up to overcome their own insecurities and feel powerful, and they need to diminish others in order to feel in control of their own anxieties)
And have you noticed how there are many "no comments?" Silence shrieks permission and encouragement by condoning the behavior.
More on Giving Permission: Giving Permission – A Double Edged Sword
I never expected to see this kind of rampant hate against my religion in my lifetime and I do not feel safe.
I’ve become used to the police and security always outside of synagogues during religious services.
It’s so weird to feel upset realizing they are there because I could be in danger, and yet at the same time feeling calmed by their presence.
“Give Me Your Huddled Masses Yearning to Breathe Free” (and I Will Provide Safety and Security)
Many of our ancestors came to this country because of fearful living conditions –– sometimes by human trafficking, however most chose to escape life-threatening conditions: religious persecution, genocide, or illness and death from diseases like the Irish potato famine.
As you can imagine, fears regarding safety and security and trust and death and abandonment have been passed down through the generations in many of our families.
The dangerous, unhealthy conditions left behind in the ‘old country’ are usually never spoken about once a family settles in this country.
However these fears can be incredibly influential and damaging to each subsequent generation.
In my several decades of working with psychotherapy and workplace clients we explore the impact of these often unspoken generational messages.
I am not naive to the long-time undercurrent of discrimination toward Jewish people.
I certainly experienced it at the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa when I was a student there in the days the Klu Klux Klan was openly active. In fact, the Imperial Wizard, Robert Shelton, actually lived in Tuscaloosa!
The KKK burned a 14 ft cross on the front lawn of A Jewish fraternity. They also threatened violence toward other Jewish students as well. As a scare tactic, my sorority house was broken into, requiring round the clock campus police protection. There were threats of violence just before an upcoming pep rally and school officials asked not to wear our fraternity or sorority pins in public.
In other words, unless we became invisible our lives were in danger. It was a scary time.
Interestingly, it was the burning of the cross at his fraternity that led my friend Joe Levin to become a civil rights activist attorney.. “Once my eyes were opened, I couldn't ignore others who were persecuted around me.”
And in 1971 Joe Levin started the Southern Poverty Law Center with Morris Dees, which as you may know has prosecuted the Klan and other hate groups many times over the years.
More on KKK: Django Freeman Meets James Hood
Yes I’ve felt prejudice, yes, I’ve been scared before, but I never, ever dreamed I would experience in my lifetime such a massive outpouring of such alarming antisemitic behavior in the United States of America.
I’m afraid.
I’m very afraid.
I believe what frightens me most is when influential people give permission to act dangerously hateful.
Vox explains: The deep roots of antisemitism’s resurgence in America
y ancestors came to the US to escape persecution and to feel safe and secure. They were able to provide security for their children and grandchildren.
What happened?
© Elayne Savage
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
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October 31, 2022
John Fetterman and Me and Auditory Processing Challenges
By Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / radiantskies
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I was reading up on auditory processing disorder while I was working with a client who needed closed captioning and transcribing accommodations in her college classes.
OMG -- I found myself reading about ME!
These APD articles totally helped me identify and understand my own limited ability to process verbal information.
It always seemed like there was a space between hearing the words and my brain actually being able to process the words I had just heard. I often found that words were running together and garbled – especially if the person was talking fast. And I was always de-coding.
Before this discovery, I had learned from my neuropsychologist that tests showed I had ADHD (you may have seen my recent blog about this: New Kid On the Block – Attention Deficit Disorder.)
We figure I’ve been dealing with both the ADHD and Auditory Processing for much of my life along with my hearing impairment.
My audiologist says that most folks with hearing loss also have some difficulty with auditory processing and that it tends to show up even more as we age.
And yet, I think I’ve been functioning pretty OK over the last 30 years as a psychotherapist, professional speaker, author and blogger.
Actually, my two recent concussions are causing more challenges than any of this other stuff.
Sometimes I pause a bit before answering a question, or have to ask for it to be repeated, or stumble over words, or can’t quite get to the word I want to use.
With all the negative attention to Senate candidate John Fetterman’s difficulty with auditory processing from his recent stroke, it gets me wondering if some folks have had negative thoughts about my workshops, interviews, workplace coaching or therapy sessions. Yes, I guess was sometimes on the verge of taking it personally and feeling rejected.
Have they secretly been making fun of me the way some folks do about John Fetterman’s speech? I’m aware that my ability to think and write are not at all affected but I now I’m wondering what others have been thinking about my brain.
I couldn’t be without closed captioning to watch TV and some movies. I loved the idea that John Fetterman used it in his recent TV debate. Sure wish I had thought of using captioning in other venues to help me out. But then maybe folks would have made fun of me for doing that.
Because of the attention to Lt. Gov. Fetterman’s speech difficulties, there have been some wonderfully informative articles about auditory processing and I’m sharing them with you below.
You may even recognize yourself or someone you care about as you read.
Here are some highlights from that very first piece I was reading when I first realized APD is Me.
From Andrea’s Blog: https://qw88nb88.wordpress.com/living-with-auditory-processing-disorder/
– The ears take in everything, but the brain has trouble sorting it out.
– It’s like having poor cell phone reception, where the signal gets static or drops out.
– Difficulty discriminating between a voice and the background noises.
– Difficulty understanding people when more than one person is speaking.
– Having to rely on context to puzzle out what people are saying.
– I have always misunderstood musical lyrics (and creatively concocted my own); I can never repeat a conversation verbatim that lasts longer than a few seconds.
– Verbal directions are hard to keep straight – writing them down helps a lot.
– All my life my teachers and parents have complained I didn’t pay attention: “What’s wrong with you” “Why aren’t you listening to me?“
Tips for coping from Andrea and Her Blog Readers:
– Asking people to face you.
– Sitting closer to a speaker whenever possible, saying I have trouble hearing.
– Looking at people’s lips when they talk.
– Writing down lists of things I’m asked to do. Otherwise, I forget what I hear.
– Repeating back what I hear, in a different way if possible. This is for two reasons. One, I often hear the wrong thing and put together the wrong instruction set. The second reason is because even if I hear the right thing, I often misunderstand the meaning or miss specific, clarifying words.
– Asking people to move to a quieter place to talk. Usually all this takes is simply moving myself to a little corner. Speakers will follow without a word because it’s natural to want to be closer when talking to someone.
– When appropriate, allowing the use of an assistive listening device (ALD). It consists of a receiver with headphones for myself, and a wireless mike for the speaker. This allows the information to transmit directly through the headphones while eliminating most extraneous noises.
– I often email people with the information I understand, and ask them to verify (in writing and by responding, so I have the original with their response).
– I find it helpful to take literate notes because it keeps me involved in the meeting, so I become the unofficial note taker.
– Telling people to do what I need them to do so I can understand. I never had the confidence to that before that past several years. I just thought I was stupid and should be able to keep up by now.
Sharing John Fetterman's Challenges
So in many ways John Fetterman and I have some of the same challenges. The major difference is that I have been living with mine for many years and my APD will not get better. Because his APD resulted from a stroke, his brain will continue to rebuild and his speech will continue to improve.
And again, here is the link to this really helpful and very long blog by Andrea: https://qw88nb88.wordpress.com/living-with-auditory-processing-disorder/
One of my favorite ADHD sites is www.AdditudeMag.com and offers these takes on Auditory Processing Disorder plus some self-testing. And by the way, October has been ADHD Month!
"Auditory processing disorder (APD) occurs when the ears and brain are not in sync. This disconnect can cause challenges with differentiating similar sounds.
This disconnect can cause a range of challenges – struggles with auditory discrimination, with listening in noisy environments, with remembering what you’ve heard, and with recalling the sequence of words spoken – that may resemble (and co-occur with) other conditions.
APD may interfere with learning, however it is not correlated with intelligence. It may cause communication difficulties, but it does not show up in traditional auditory tests for hearing loss."
Jill Bolte Taylor’s Personal Experience with a Stroke and Auditory Processing
Jill Bolte Taylor, a neuroscientist,had a stroke 26 years ago. Her descriptions of her experience and recovery are fascinating:
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September 30, 2022
Managing Misunderstandings – Honing Conflict Resolution Skills
By Elayne Savage, PhD
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© Can Stock Photo / stuartmiles
I am excited to be featured again in an interview with Prevention Magazine – this time on conflict resolution.
Here’s the Prevention piece and the link:
Prevention Magazine
9 Conflict Resolution Skills for Strong, Healthy Relationships
These skills and strategies can help keep all your relationships going and growing.
By Shannen Zitz Published: Sep 28, 2022
Disagreements are an inevitable part of any relationship. They’re stressful, sure, but unfortunately, they can’t always be avoided—which is why it’s key to learn conflict resolution skills to navigate and overcome these high-stress situations.
“Conflict in interpersonal relationships can be broadly defined as any sort of disagreement between two people who are connected in some way—whether friends, colleagues, partners, or relatives,” explains Sari Chait, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist at the Behavioral Health and Wellness Centerin Newton, MA. “The disagreement can be in regards to opinions on something or in values, or related to behaviors.”
While conflict and disagreements are common, it’s also important to know that they’re normal—especially with the people who you interact with regularly. “The benefits we bring to any relationship are in part that we have different opinions, different personalities, different values, and different lived experiences,” Chait says. “As such, it is normal to encounter some conflict. Encountering conflict by itself is rarely the primary issue; the issues arise in how we address the conflict.”
It’s not always easy to address disagreements, but ahead you’ll learn conflict resolution skills to help you on your way to better communication.
Conflict resolution skills and strategies
1. Plan ahead
Sometimes you might want to address conflict right away, but it can be helpful to avoid these types of interactions in the heat of the moment. If one or more parties are upset, be sure to take some distance so that everyone can collect their thoughts and emotions. “It can be very helpful to then both agree on a time and place when you’ll discuss the conflict, that way both parties come into the discussion aware of what will be discussed with time to prepare,” Chait says.
2. Stay respectful
The goal for conflict resolution in both personal and workplace relationships is “keeping space available for respectful and clear communication,” explains Elayne Savage, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., author of Don’t Take It Personally: The Art of Dealing with Rejection. Try to think about a few attributes in the other person that you respect or admire, and keep those things in mind when approaching the conversation. When you do this, you are likely to speak in ways that make the other person feel valued despite the conflict.
3. Practice active listening
“The most important thing about any of these interactions with somebody else is to feel listened to, to feel heard, and to feel understood,” Savage explains. Be sure to share your perspective and feelings clearly, but also listen with intention and understanding when the other person shares their thoughts. This type of active listening will make for better communication overall, and allow you both to come to a mutual understanding more easily.
4. Avoid placing blame
If a person feels they are being blamed for their role in the conflict, they are likely to feel upset and act defensively. Chait suggests using “I” statements when sharing your perspective on the situation and focusing on how you feel rather than what they may have done to decrease the likelihood of the other person feeling attacked.
5. Make it about “we”
In addition to using “I” statements when discussing your feelings, be sure to use “we” statements when discussing ways to move forward and resolve the conflict. Try framing the conversation in terms of “‘what is best for both of us’ or ‘what is best for the workplace,’” Savage explains.
6. Focus on actions
After creating space for open, clear, and respectful communication where both parties have the chance to share their own point of view, “focusing on behaviors or actions rather than personality traits that can’t be changed,” is helpful in coming to a mutual understanding for moving forward, according to Chait.
7. Don’t take things personally
“Step away from whatever’s going on, especially from any part of it that you might be taking personally,” Savage suggests. “If you can separate yourself just a little bit, you’re able to ask: ‘What are my options here?’ ‘Do I have to be upset?’ ‘Do I have to be hurt?’ ‘Is there another explanation for this? Another way to think about this?’”
8. Avoid filling in the blanks
Making presumptions about where the other person is coming from is bound to make communication a little muddy. Savage recommends checking in with yourself while you are actively listening to the other person to make sure you are not making any assumptions—ask yourself if you are totally clear about the meaning of the other person’s words, and if you aren’t, give them an opportunity to repeat or clarify.
9. Schedule a check-in
Once you use effective conflict resolution skills to come to a mutual understanding, the work is not yet done. “Any conflict resolution conversation should end with plans for how to work on this going forward in order to avoid falling into a pattern of conflict,” Chait says. Try also setting up a plan to check in down the line to ensure everyone feels satisfied and is upholding their end of the agreement.
Why conflicts occur
Conflict can happen for many reasons, but it mainly comes down to disagreement and disappointment. Disagreement that leads to conflict often stems from “incompatible ideas that become antagonistic,” explains Savage. “It often then becomes a struggle about who’s right—people get invested in being right and that’s where a lot of the conflict comes from.”
A lack of clear communication is also a common culprit for most situations of conflict, Savage notes. When one party is not clear on what they need, the other party cannot be clear on the issue or potential ways to overcome the issue.
Similarly, listening is a big part of communication—and if one or more parties are not listening actively and with empathy, communication tends to become skewed.
Another important piece of the puzzle is feelings of disappointment and rejection. The sum of our lived experiences growing up in the world affects who we are today, and what we expect from people. “When these expectations aren’t met, that can feel disappointing and even like rejection, which is definitely something that can lead to conflict,” Savage explains.
So what does conflict look like? It’s helpful to think of conflicts professionally and personally, but the core of these types of conflict is usually the same feelings of disagreement and disappointment. Chait notes that common examples of conflicts that occur in the workplace are differences in opinions on how to approach a problem, different values as it pertains to work-life balance, and different personality styles that may clash in work settings. Conflicts that occur in relationships with family and partners are “similar, but the topics may be different,” Chait explains. “While at work, you may have [a] conflict with someone about whether or not you should have to work rigid hours or have a flexible schedule, and at home you may disagree with your partner about whether to have a rigid schedule with your children or be more flexible.”
Why you should try conflict resolution
“Conflict resolution is the key to overcoming conflict and is necessary in order to keep healthy relationships,” Chait says. “Having the skills necessary to address conflict in a way that works for everyone involved is critical.” Additionally, these skills will extend even further in equipping the people involved with the necessary skills and knowledge to efficiently rise above conflict moving forward.
Lots of people tend to ignore conflict and consider themselves people who don’t like confrontation. But avoiding conflict is rarely a solution, and usually creates unhealthy patterns and cycles that become more difficult to solve. Plus, it’s hard maintaining healthy, happy relationships with unresolved conflict looming—there’s likely to be a constant feeling of tension between those involved and they may actually behave differently, like not sharing their opinions and avoiding interactions that might start another bout of conflict, Chait explains.
Misunderstandings often cause conflict, but the hurt feelings that come from these instances of misunderstanding are also dangerous. “Hurt feelings can lead to taking things personally, and even anger. But the biggest problem is that they often lead to resentment,” Savage says. When conflict resolution is avoided, this resentment builds and builds to the point where “there's no space available for respectable clear, defined communication, or for teamwork.”
https://www.prevention.com/sex/relationships/a41424072/conflict-resolution-skills/
But Wait, There’s More
One of the great things about writing a blog, is I can reprint something and add to it!
Here are a few ideas that didn’t make it into the Prevention piece and I’m adding or expanding on them here for you.
Helps to remember that most conflicts don’t just involve just the two of you. You each grew up in different families with different styles of thinking, communicating, doing, creating and being. Sometimes there are also cultural influences— attitudes, beliefs, rules, values, and expectations. These family messages are passed down from generation to generation.
So consider how during a discussion each of you might have several people sitting on your shoulders—parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, teachers, coaches. And each is clamoring to get a word in, or an opinion or a judgment or a criticism or advice.
And you might find yourself sitting in that meeting, opening your mouth and wondering where on earth your words are coming from, but it sure sounds like something Grandma would say. Or Mom or Dad or your coach or that critical 4th grade teacher.
It sure can be a struggle to respect and accept someone's
style of doing things when it's different from your own.
I also have something to add about avoiding angry confrontations. If a discussion is becoming heated, consider taking a ‘time out’ to regain your composure. Excusing yourself to stand up and get a drink of water. Or excusing yourself to walk into the restroom and doing some slow counting to 10 and deep breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth with the exhalation twice as long as the inhalation.
Here are a couple of previous blogs addressing some of these challenges:
Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships
https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2007/07/cozying-up-to-t.html
Are Generational Family Messages Contaminating Your Workplace?
Are You ‘Filling in the Blanks?’ Assuming the Worst? Feeling Rejected?
© Elayne Savage
Would love to hear your ideas for managing misunderstandings!
elayne@QueenofRejection.com OR
the Comment Box on the blog site: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
August 31, 2022
Intention Deficit Disorder – New Kid on the Block
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By Elayne Savage, PhD |
©Can Stock Photo/Sangoiri
I’ve been fascinated by each of my new discoveries about ADHD ever since I realized several years ago that my brain seems to function a little differently and I began to understand that I have been creating ‘work-arounds for school work and projects and chores to help me get by.
For years I’ve been taking copious notes during a lecture or training, I make lists constantly and there’s always an array of post-its around my house!. Folks tease me about my lists.
Then a few years ago I was seeing a neuropsychologist for a concussion and I started joking around, “Oh that’s just my ADHD!”
She was quick to say, “You think? I can test you.”
And guess what, I am ADHD. Now all my work-arounds make perfect sense. I was actually taking good care of myself all those years without knowing why.
One of the most interesting factoids I’ve learned is how ADHD is often missed in girls. With boys’ often disruptive acting out behaviors teachers spot it in the classroom. But girls get missed because it is more ‘quiet’ – presenting as moodiness/depression and anxiety.
I’m always so delighted to make a new ADHD discovery. Actually because I specialize in rejection, self-rejection and taking things personally I figured out decades ago that there seemed to be a connection between these challenges and ADHD. And in the last few years there have been studies linking all this up. There is even a term for it: ‘Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria’ - RSD.
So I’m excited about my most recent ADHD discovery and wanting to share it with you.
I’m on the email list for an absolutely terrific resource, ADDitudeMag.com and spotted this article in a recent edition.
Intention Deficit Disorder: Why ADHD Minds Struggle to Meet Goals with Action
Psychologist Russell Barkley writes about Intention Deficit Disorder – an ADHD trait that gets in the way of not accomplishing goals.
“Intention deficit disorder is not a real diagnosis but a term Russell Barkley, Ph.D. uses to describe what he believes is a central struggle of ADHD: difficulty accomplishing goals. Learn how this trait is tied to executive dysfunction, plus ways to meet your goals with action"
“Intention deficit disorder is not a medical diagnosis but a helpful way to frame a persistent ADHD challenge: the inability to further goals with timely action. Here, learn about the executive function deficits that give rise to “intention deficits,” plus ways to bridge the gap between objectives and tactics.”
“Think of ADHD as a performance disorder. People with ADHD know what they need to do, but they struggle – greatly, at times – to transform intention into action, whether that’s preparing for a test or finalizing an important project at work. It’s an issue directly tied to the executive function difficulties inherent in ADHD. And yet, this very real challenge of ADHD is often mistaken for laziness and lack of motivation, which many breed low self-esteem and even depression.”
(And I'd like to add so many descriptions come to mind from my observations as a therapist and workplace consultant and from my experiences with my own ADHD: Procrastination, Perfectionism, Ambivalence, Avoidance, Anxiety, Fear of failure and even Fear of Success!)
I've written lots of blogs on these topics - see the categories archive list on the right side of this page.)
On a personal note, it helps me to think of ADHD as related to Intention – and keeps me from getting caught up in the cycle of disappointment that too often feels like rejection.
Here are some highlights and tips from Russell Blakely:
Unpacking Intention Deficit Disorder: The ADHD Struggle to Perform
Executive Dysfunction Affects Behavior and Performance Executive
1. Dysfunction Muddles Time
2. Intention Deficit Turns Everything Into a Crisis
3. Intention Deficit Looks Like Laziness
Intention Deficit Disorder: Turning Intention Into Action
1. Externalize time by using external representations of time — like calendars, white boards, visual timers
2. Bring the future to the present –– Dividing long-term goals into smaller, contiguous steps is one way
3. Ensure motivation along the way –– some ideas:
- short breaks in between longer bursts of work
- body doubles, or accountability partners
- visualizing rewards and positive outcomes
Here is the link for the complete ATTitudeMag.com piece:
(By the way, on a personal note: one of my favorite paths to success is working with the company of another person!)
And some links to a whole bunch of articles on Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
Would love to hear your responses to all this!
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
July 31, 2022
Trumpism/Cultism/Populism Revisited
By Elayne Savage, PhD
©Can Stock Photo-LumaxArt2D
Have you noticed how over the last few months there have been lots of media references to Trumpism and Cult-like behavior?
I just did a Google search and found dozens, maybe even hundreds of recent links! Actually the number surprised me because the last time I searched, 5 years ago, I found only one link besides my blog from 2016. (See below for the 2017 op-ed piece by Reza Aslan.)
This week marks the 6th anniversary of putting my fears about the influence of cultism into writing when, on July 27 2016, I blogged about my anxiety.
Below are some of my observations from Does the Art of the Deal Mean Selling your Soul? all those years ago:
From Bill Moyers
Bill Moyers reminds us of Donald Trump’s tweet on Easter morning:
“Another radical Islamic attack, this time in Pakistan, targeting Christian women & children. At least 67 dead, 400 injured. I alone can solve.”
And from his acceptance speech at the RNC: “Nobody knows the system better than me, which is why I alone can fix it,"
Moyers continues: This has been his message all year: “I alone can fix it.”
Only he can save us. He alone has the potion. He alone can call out the incantation. He alone can cast out the demons. It’s a little bit Mussolini. A little bit Berlusconi. A little bit George Wallace. And a lot of Napoleon in a trucker’s hat.
"I am not an ordinary man," Bonaparte once said. "I am an extraordinary man and ordinary rules do not apply to me."
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bill-moyers/donald-trumps-dark-and-sc_b_11144940.html
(Note: A book with this terrific title by Phil Rucker and Carol Leonnig appeared in 2021 – I Alone Can Fix It: Donald J. Trump's Catastrophic Final Year )
Things That Go Bump in the Night - Fears and Demons
Seems to me so much of this ideology is formed around instilling fear in Americans. Ever since the 2008 campaign I’ve been blogging about politicians’ attempts to influence us by fueling our fears, especially regarding feeling vulnerable to terror attacks.
‘Terror’ is defined as: “acts which are purposefully designed to scare people and make them fearful.” Most definitions of ’terrorism’ use this phrase: “intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.” So in a way, you could say it is our politicians who are terrorists just as much as those who appear to threaten us from outside.
The Politics of Fear erupts, playing to our anxieties. This leads to a Culture of Fear, permeating and fraying the fabric of our country.
With each new push of the panic button, I feel my anxiety surge. And what about you?
As Master Yoda says, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
Fear is in the Air and It’s Contagious
Cult Culture
To be honest, I find it very scary that this grandiose talk seems reminiscent of the coercive persuasion, thought reform and mind control of the 70’s and 80’s.
As a Child Protective Services worker in the 70’s, I had frequent dealings with cult-like organizations including Jim Jones’ Peoples Temple. I knew families who followed Jones to Jonestown, Guyana where 918 devotees were convinced to take part in a mass murder/suicide.
I’ll never forget the panicky call I received from a pay phone when one woman begged for help as the group was leaving San Francisco. The call ended abruptly. I’ll never forget how helpless I felt in that moment.
Haunted By a Panicky Phone Call From a Peoples Temple Member
Arthur Deikman a researcher and author of Them and Us: Cult Thinking and Terrorist Threat, describes how the desires that bring people to cults — including the need to feel secure and protected — are universal human longings. This includes pressure from peer groups to conform.
As he says in the book’s preface “The price of cult behaviour is diminished realism.”
50 Characteristics of Cult Leaders ––Who Do You Recognize Here?
Joe Navarro, a 25-year veteran of the FBI and author of Dangerous Personalities lists 50 cult leader characteristics.
Here are a few characteristics of cult group leaders, which stand out for me as especially Donald J. Trump-ish:
– He has a grandiose idea of who he is and what he can achieve.
– Has a sense of entitlement - expecting to be treated special at all times.
– Has an exaggerated sense of power (entitlement) that allows him to bend rules and break laws.
– Publicly devalues others as being inferior, incapable, or not worthy.
– Haughtiness, grandiosity, and the need to be controlling is part of his personality.
– Anyone who criticizes or questions him is called an “enemy.”
– Habitually puts down others as inferior and only he is superior.
– Is deeply offended when there are perceived signs of boredom, being ignored or of being slighted.
– Treats others with contempt and arrogance.
– The word “I” dominates his conversations. He is oblivious to how often he references himself.
– Hates to be embarrassed or fail publicly - when he does he acts out with rage.
– Believes he possesses the answers and solutions to world problems.
– Seems to be highly dependent of tribute and adoration and will often fish for compliments.
Here’s the link to Navarro’s list of all 50 cult leader characteristics:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201208/dangerous-cult-leaders
It's quite amazing to me how many of these have to do with reactions to feeling rejected and taking things personally.
Joe Navarro writes: “When the question is asked, “When do we know when a cult leader is bad, or evil, or toxic?” this is the list that I use to survey the cult leader for dangerous traits. Of course the only way to know anything for sure is to observe and validate, but these characteristics can go a long way to help with that. And as I have said, there are other things to look for and there may be other lists, but this is the one that I found most useful from studying these groups and talking to former members of cults”.
The above observations are from my blog from 2016.
My Original 6 Year-old List Seems So Naïve!
As I re-read my list from 6 years ago that I felt were the most obvious characteristics of Donald J. Trump, it seems so naïve now!
I’m amazed I missed so many Trump traits back then. Now that I that I better ‘know’ Donald J. Trump there are many that I would have to include today. Now they seem so hard to miss!
Here are more of Joe Navarro’s characteristics that I would add now:
– Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, or brilliance.
– Requires excessive admiration from followers and outsiders.
– Is arrogant and haughty in his behavior or attitude
– Has an exaggerated sense of power (entitlement) that allows him to bend rules and break laws.
– Is frequently boastful of accomplishments.
– Behaves as though people are objects to be used, manipulated or exploited for personal gain.
– Acts imperious at times, not wishing to know what others think or desire.
Believes himself to be omnipotent.
– Doesn’t seem to feel guilty for anything he has done wrong nor does he apologize for his actions.
– "Rigid," "unbending," or "insensitive" describes how this person thinks.
– Sees self as “unstoppable” and perhaps has even said so. – Doesn’t think there is anything wrong with himself and in fact sees himself as perfection or “blessed.”
– Doesn’t think there is anything wrong with himself and in fact sees himself as perfection or “blessed.”
Actually there are yet another 25 or so characteristics that Joe Navarro lists – what did I miss?
How many of Donald Trumps words or behaviors in the complete list of 50 characteristics do you recognize? Do you see them in other folks as well?
You can imagine how back then lots of folks disagreed with my audacity writing this blog in equating Donald J. Trump with Cult-like behavior.
And yet times have changed some.
I did find an LA Times opinion piece by Reza Aslan from back then when I just did a Google search. It was a lonely article. As I mentioned at the beginning of this blog, there are many such pieces the last couple of years.
From the LA Times in November 6, 2017
“I am not the first person to point this out: There’s been a cultish quality to President Trump’s most ardent supporters. He seemed to acknowledge the phenomenon when he boasted that he could “stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody” and not lose voters.
Throughout the campaign, and in personal appearances since then, Trump has harnessed the kind of emotional intensity from his base that is more typical of a religious revival meeting than a political rally, complete with ritualized communal chants (“Lock her up!”).
“, , , , If Trump’s presidency deteriorates further, expect the religious fervor of many of his followers to reach a fever pitch. That poses a risk for the country. Because the only thing more dangerous than a cult leader is a cult leader facing martyrdom.”
https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-oe-aslan-trump-cultists-20171106-story.html
In 2020 a book appeared by cult expert Steven Hassan who was once a ‘Moonie’ in the Unification Church of Reverend Sun Myung Moon, The Cult of Trump: A Leading Cult Expert Explains How the President Uses Mind Control.
From publisher Simon & Schuster:
Since the 2016 election, Donald Trump’s behavior has become both more disturbing and yet increasingly familiar. He relies on phrases like, “fake news,” “build the wall,” and continues to spread the divisive mentality of us-vs.-them. He lies constantly, has no conscience, never admits when he is wrong, and projects all of his shortcomings on to others. He has become more authoritarian, more outrageous, and yet many of his followers remain blindly devoted. Scott Adams, the creator of Dilbert and a major Trump supporter, calls him one of the most persuasive people living. His need to squash alternate information and his insistence of constant ego stroking are all characteristics of other famous leaders—cult leaders.
In The Cult of Trump, mind control and licensed mental health expert Steven Hassan draws parallels between our current president and people like Jim Jones, David Koresh, Ron Hubbard, and Sun Myung Moon, arguing that this presidency is in many ways like a destructive cult. He specifically details the ways in which people are influenced through an array of social psychology methods and how they become fiercely loyal and obedient. Hassan was a former “Moonie” himself, and he presents a “thoughtful and well-researched analysis of some of the most puzzling aspects of the current presidency, including the remarkable passivity of fellow Republicans [and] the gross pandering of many members of the press” (Thomas G. Gutheil, MD and professor of psychiatry, Harvard Medical School).
The Cult of Trump is an accessible and in-depth analysis of the president, showing that under the right circumstances, even sane, rational, well-adjusted people can be persuaded to believe the most outrageous ideas. “This book is a must for anyone who wants to understand the current political climate” (Judith Stevens-Long, PhD and author of Living Well, Dying Well).
Quotes From The Cult of Trump:
“Another way to control thoughts is through the use of loaded language, which, as Lifton pointed out, is purposely designed to invoke an emotional response. When I look at the list of thought-controlling techniques—reducing complex thoughts into clichés and platitudinous buzz words; forbidding critical questions about the leader, doctrine, or policy; labeling alternative belief systems as illegitimate or evil—it is astounding how many Trump exploits.
[Cult] members learn a new vocabulary that is designed to constrict their thinking into absolute, black-and-white, thought-stopping clichés that conform to group ideology. (“Lock her up” and “Build the Wall” are Trumpian examples. Even his put-downs and nicknames—Crooked Hillary, Pocahontas for Elizabeth Warren—function to block other thoughts. Terms like “deep state” and “globalist” also act as triggers. They rouse emotion and direct attention.)”
“As New York Times columnist Charles Blow observed, “Trump tells his followers about all the things of which they should be afraid, or shouldn’t trust or should hate, and then positions himself as the greatest defense against those things
“. . . . This brings me to an important point and a key aspect of my approach. By attacking or belittling Trump’s followers, political opponents and traditional media may be helping Trump to maintain his influence over his base. In my experience, telling a person that they are brainwashed, that they are in a cult, or that they are following a false god, is doomed to fail. It puts them immediately on the defensive, confirms you are a threat, possibly an enemy, and reinforces their indoctrination. It closes their mind to other perspectives. I’ve seen this happen over and over again. It happened to me when I was in the Moon group. It immediately triggers a person’s mind control programming—including thought stopping and us-versus-them thinking, with you being the ‘them.’”
There are lots of articles exploring the popularity of Trump. A bottom line of course being his Populist appeal to folks who feel that their concerns are disregarded by others, especially established elite groups.
I guess you can tell I’m even more fearful these days than I was back in 2016!
Just needed to put my anxiety into words. Thanks for reading . . . and would love to hear your thoughts.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
June 30, 2022
Post-Roe: What’s Going to Happen to the Children?
By Elayne Savage, PhD
So many unknowns!
With the safeguards and dignity of Roe being repealed, how many ways will this affect women’s lives and the lives of partners and families?
What will the far-reaching effects be on reproductive health care for everyone?
• There is concern by medical practitioners about being unable to access medications used for treating ectopic pregnancies and for miscarriage management.
• There has already been denial of treatment for miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies, and severe pregnancy complications
• There is concern about accessing contraceptives.
A hospital in Missouri stopped providing Plan B and other emergency contraceptives. Then they realized they over-reacted and changed their mind.
• From Forbes: Overturning Roe V. Wade: Here’s How It’ll Impact Reproductive Healthcare — Beyond Abortion
• From Time Magazine: The Devastating Implications of Overturning Roe Will Go Far Beyond Abortion Patients
• Experts even warn we can expect increased scrutiny and potential criminalization over pregnancy loss. And some fear there will even be a copy-catting of Oklahoma where recently a 19-year-old was arrested after a miscarriage, charged with manslaughter and sentenced to four years in prison. There was a miscarriage manslaughter indictment for an Alabama woman as well .
Remembering The Dangerous and Deadly Pre-Roe Years
I clearly remember the pre-Roe years and how scary and dangerous and deadly it was for pregnant women to seek abortion.
AND I have other memories as well: witnessing how dangerous life often was for the children born — unwanted, unloved and uncared for.
I don’t hear many people talking about what will become of these ‘saved’ infants after birth when parents feel they are unable to competently cope with unintended pregnancies and there had been little or no right to choose bringing a child into the world.
Maybe the parent wanted to finish school and get a job so they can support their new family.
Maybe they are not old enough or mature enough or capable enough to responsibly raise and protect a child.
Maybe they were raped or sexually assaulted by a family friend or family member.
Who Will Insure The Safety and Security of These Children?
I know first-hand about unplanned for and unwanted infants being born to parents who are not able to provide a safe environment.
I was a Child Protective Services Social Worker in San Francisco in the years before Roe v. Wade.
I guess I saw just about every type of trauma – rejection, neglect, every possible type of abuse, exploitation and abandonment – you can imagine.
Whenever I hear about parents neglecting, mistreating or abusing their children I can’t help but wonder if that child was born wanted and welcomed –– or were they were resented and rejected from birth.
Let’s take a look at what goes into providing a safe, secure, loving, protected environment:
So what happens to a child who grows up with a lack of acceptance, poor hygiene, deficient medical and dental care? Or the child who lives with emotional/physical/sexual abuse or rage, leading to fear and anxiety instead of security and safety?
In the over two decades I was a CPS Social Worker I observed so many instances where parents were incapable of being responsible to the well-being of their children.
Instead of acceptance and validation there would be frequent belittling, shaming, scolding and criticizing.
It wasn’t surprising to learn that many of these parents had experienced these same behaviors and negative messages from their caretakers when they were young children themselves.
Sometimes they were lucky to have a grandma or great grandma or auntie to model care-taking and caring. But too often not.
I’ll never forget the times I watched a young teen mother grabbing her toddler’s hand and sort of dragging them along the sidewalk, as if the child were a rag doll.
Or the many times I found piles of dirt and animal feces on the floor where young children were playing. One home was so infested with roaches there were even dozens living in the refrigerator.
I knew about young children hurting or burning themselves when they were left unattended for several hours.
I heard stories from teachers about children being ostracized because they smelled so badly from not bathing or they were wearing unwashed clothes.
I remember one woman teaching her young daughter to crawl under tables in restaurants to steal billfolds from purses on the floor. This little girl was 3 years old!
One particular memory haunts me the most: One day I showed up for a scheduled appointment and the mother had just instructed her daughters aged 7 and 9 to walk their dog two miles to the vet –– to have him euthanized. She decided she didn't want the responsibility of this pet any longer.
She insisted the children take him there but she refused to accompany them – they were on their own. I just couldn’t stand by and watch this play out so I went with them.
Thinking about that day decades ago still makes me want to cry.
© Can Stock Photo / studiostoks
The Long, Long, Long-Term Traumatizing Effects of Abuse and Neglect
Child Abuse and Neglect is defined as "an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm” or “results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation."
More about definitions –– from the Child Welfare Information Gateway
The list of possible long-term effects of abuse and neglect is pretty much endless: there are hundreds of facets and sub-facets of challenges with self-esteem and low self-confidence, fear, anxiety, depression, shame, anger, self-rejection, self-sabotage, taking things too personally and ability to trust in work and personal relationships.
It was my work in CPS that led me to realized the overlay of all abuse and neglect is rejection – and how fear of rejection continues throughout their lives and how trusting becomes a life-long struggle.
In Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection I write: “Fear and anxiety are constant companions to abused children. They live on edge, just waiting for the abuse to come again. It’s not a matter of if it comes, but when it comes . . . . this ever-present anxiety . . . becomes a part of their identity and follows them into adult relationships.”
More on the long-term effects of abuse and neglect:
A Spanking or Beating or Whipping or Whuppin? – TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com
The Child Abuse Reporting Act came into effect in 1963 requiring only physicians to report abuse. In 1980 the Child Abuse and Neglect Reporting Act expanded the definition of mandated reporters of suspected child abuse and neglect. There are 16 categories. This list of reporters keeps growing and has now grown to 48 in some states!
A good example of a complete list of mandated reporters is provided in the California Penal Code (PC) section 11165.7.
Too often I knew about tweens and teens who became desperate to escape the abuse or neglect at home. So they became runaways and lived on the streets. Sometimes they were trafficked. Often the young girls became pregnant.
When Removing a Child is the Only Way to Keep Them Safe
I hated having to go to Juvenile Court when a child was endangered to testify about their unhealthy or unsafe or life-threatening living situation.
Sometimes the only way to be sure we were protecting a child was by removing the child from the family home and, if there was no reliable, willing relative, placing the child in foster care.
The hope was to provide a safe place for the child while social workers and community resources were working with the family to insure the child could return to their family and be safe and secure. Sometimes this meant providing parenting education, sometimes providing housekeeping assistance, sometimes attending to stress and overwhelm or sometimes an appropriate recovery program.
But it didn’t always work the way we hoped.
When caretakers could not provide a safe environment for their children, the children were often placed in foster care homes and eventually long-term foster care.
When I was a Long-term Placement Social Worker and was visiting residential facilities, sometimes I came across some of the same children I had removed years before!
Now they were teens and still stuck in the system because it still wasn't safe for them to return home.
Can you imagine how heartbreaking it was meeting these kids again all those years later?
Does Saving Fetuses Really Mean We Are Saving Children?
So back to my question: Now with safe abortion being repealed as an option what’s going to happen to the children?
When mothers, who for their own good reasons do not want to bring a child into this world at this time, are not given a choice, how can we guarantee these babies will be born into safe, secure, loving, protected environments, with appropriate health care and sufficient nutrition?
How can we be sure these babies will not be rejected or neglected or abused or exploited or abandoned?
And then there is the resentment that grows and grows. Back in the pre-Roe days when delivering a baby was the only allowable choice, there may not have been obvious neglect or abuse of unwanted children, however there was often resentment permeating lives of families I knew.
I saw many children raised by resentful parents. This was especially true if they were conceived from a rape or incest. Or when the birth of that child interfered with educational or professional dreams.
And too often I saw the stresses of expecting a new baby leading to domestic violence, putting both the mother and the fetus in danger. I saw existing children suffering in already severely stressed families when arrival of the newborn caused extra emotional and financial pressure on family members.
And the present system for protecting at-risk children is already severely overburdened. If they have to be removed from the home to protect them and there are no capable available relatives, where are they going to go?
When Adoption is Accompanied By Overwhelming Feelings of Rejection and Abandonment
Yes, I am aware adoption could be a choice.
And there certainly would be a bunch of money to be made for folks in the adoption business.
Sometimes I even find myself wondering if adoption might be a 'follow the money' reason for some people to encourage births of unplanned for and unwanted children.
Have you heard how some state legislators are trying to limit abortion from the moment of conception? And by the way, considering banning most or all forms of contraception?
Would this mean more full-term pregnancies and more babies available for adoption?
Let's try to be aware that there are many emotional considerations regarding adoption. Considerations which would need to be carefully considered in each situation.
For example, the feelings Andrea Ross expresses so well in Huff Post: 'I Was Adopted Before Roe v. Wade. I Wish My Mother Had Been Given A Choice'
She points out: "Psychology research shows that women who relinquish their children frequently exhibit signs of post-traumatic stress disorder. And children who have been relinquished frequently develop relinquishment trauma ― a kind of trauma that 'changes an individual’s brain chemistry and functioning ... and can elevate adrenaline and cortisol and lower serotonin resulting in adoptees feeling hypervigilant, anxious, and depressed.' "
Because my work as a therapist focuses on perceived experiences of rejection, I have heard hundreds of stories over the decades from teen and adult clients who, although they love their adoptive parents, have struggled mightily with feeling abandoned by their birth parent(s).
And stories from the other side too: The lasting guilt often felt at giving up a child.
Will We Be Going Backwards?
First-hand stories have been emerging about the precarious and desperate and dangerous times before Roe. The most common methods used to terminate pregnancies were intentionally falling down stairs or ingesting poisons or using coat hangers to try to induce an abortion.
Sure, relatively safe abortions were available if you had the right word-of-mouth connections and could afford to pay, but most of us are aware there were way too many botched back-alley needless deaths.
Will women and their families be facing this anguish again as more and more states are in the process of deciding we have to go backwards to that dark place.
On a personal level I feel that with the Supreme Court ruling my sense of privacy and security have been tampered with.
That my personal freedom has been violated.
And that, as a woman, I don’t count as a human being on this planet.
The Connection Between Childhood Maltreatment, Delinquency and Criminality
One more important thought: Clearly lots children who are traumatized develop the resilience and opportunities to become productive and accomplished adults.
– The pain of having experienced parental rejection during childhood frequently extends into adulthood;
– Those who suffered parental rejection in childhood tend to develop difficulties forming trusting relationships in adulthood;
– Neurological studies suggest that parental rejection activates the same part of the brain as does physical pain.
Studies also show a connection between childhood rejection, abuse and neglect and juvenile or adult incarceration.
Keep in mind we cannot assume that most abused children will become law-violating teens and adults. We do know, however, that many incarcerated juveniles and adults have a history of being abused and rejected.
And as many of you know from my blogs and speaking programs that I see rejection as the overlay of all types abuse and neglect. Rejection leads to self-rejection, a type of shame – affecting self-esteem, self-assurance, self-respect, self-confidence, self-regard and self-adequacy.
Several years ago I was presenting skill-building workshops within the walls of San Quentin State Prison. The series was based on what I know best: how to not take rejection and disappointment so personally.
This voluntary Success Programs’ skill-building course was presented to highly motivated medium security inmates. Most of them were in for non-violent crimes — such as stealing to support their addictions.
My book ‘Don’t Take It Personally!’ was popular reading from the prison library and I could tell they ‘got’ the message of the book and workshops when several of the men one by one came up after class and confided:
“If I had understood about my early rejection and why I take things so personally, the pressure wouldn’t have led me to need the drugs and to go out and steal for them.”
So my question is: with these recent moves in many states to criminalize abortion and take away choice, what can we do to guarantee unwanted babies will not grow up to be rejected and mistreated and possibly down the road even be charged with a criminal offense themselves?
Some of you may recognize parts of this blog from one I wrote a few years ago. With the recent repeal of Roe I really needed to express these concerns again.
Let’s continue this conversation. Your thoughts?
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
May 31, 2022
This Time the School Shootings are in Texas
By Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / ronniechua
I’ve been crying a lot lately since the Uvalde Robb Elementary School massacre of 19 students and their teachers – and with every new report of those little 9 and 10 and 11 year olds calling 911 pleading for police to come to Classrooms 111 and 112 to rescue them. And no one listened.
And crying again, hearing about the little girl who smeared herself with her dying friend’s blood so she could play dead and survive even though she had bullet fragments in her body.
And tears came again upon hearing how the police did not enter the classrooms until 78 minutes after the gunman begun shooting – while children lay dead and dying from devastating wounds to their faces and heads from the assault rifle.
So writing this is a way for me to try to make some sense out of the senselessness that is so disturbing.
I’ve worked with traumatized children for several decades as a Child Protective Services Social Worker and I’ve seen the damage they endure.
As a psychotherapist in private practice I’ve seen the extent of these traumas over the long-term in the adults who come into therapy to work on the many repercussions from their early experiences.
We address the anxiety and depression arising from when the cortisol and adrenaline went haywire during those early scary times. And continue to go haywire again and again.
I cry when I think of the struggles these surviving children will be having in their future.
Dr. Roy Guerrero Uvalde’s only pediatrician foresees these overwhelming struggles as well in his CNN interview:
Here area few parts of Danielle Campoamor’s interview:
The only pediatrician serving Uvalde, Texas, revealed to "TODAY" what it was like to treat the wounded of the Robb Elementary School shooting. He shared their horrific survivor stories.
Dr. Roy Guerrero, who was born and raised in Uvalde and attended Robb Elementary School as a child, was at lunch with his staff Tuesday when he started getting frantic texts.
“I called the hospital, Uvalde Memorial, to ask if they needed me, and they said, ‘Yes, get over here right now.’” Guerrero raced to the hospital.
“The most horrible part, I guess, was just seeing parents I knew outside screaming, asking me to look for their kids. You never really get that out of your head.”
Guerrero treated eight children that day. He lost five of them.
“The children were in hysterics at first,” he said. “But when they saw a familiar face — because I’ve known them for so long — I was able to calm them down.
As Guerrero made his rounds in the hospital, treating the wounded and identifying the victims, he heard a familiar voice cry out to him.
“I heard, ‘Hey, Dr. G!” he said. Guerrero turned to find an 11-year-old girl he has treated since she was a newborn.
The young girl was in the fourth grade classroom where 19 of her classmates and two of her teachers were shot and killed. She had bullet fragments in her shoulder.
“She said she saw people being shot and falling dead. Her best friend was next to her, so she grabbed some of her blood that was coming out of her, smeared it on herself and played dead on the floor,” he said. “
As she’s doing this, her teacher ... who got shot and was throwing up blood, told her, ‘I don’t want to die, call 911,’ and threw the phone to her. I guess the guy saw the phone and shot the phone but didn’t see her move. So she continued to play dead.”
Guerrero saw the 11-year-old the next day for a follow-up appointment.“She was literally shaking,” he said. “She already has PTSD, and we just got out of this.”
“In clinic the next day, all I heard was: ‘I’m afraid he’s coming for me. I’m afraid he’s going to come get me at my house.’ The kids were telling me that. I was hearing that the whole day,” he said. “I’m telling you this is going to be a mental health crisis for our community.”
Guerrero worries that the child survivors will live in fear for the rest of their lives. It’s a fear, he says, that could even be passed down to their children if something doesn’t change.
Guerrero said the severity of the survivors’ wounds varied. There were minor cuts and bruises on children who climbed out busted-out windows to safety. Others had shrapnel injuries
As the hours went on, it became apparent that some of the parents outside weren’t going to find their children alive.
Guerrero was instructed to be in the front of the receiving area to immediately help the other patients the hospital was expecting.
“We were supposed to have 14 more kids show up, and they wanted me to triage them.”
The 14 children never arrived. “We knew what that meant.”
“I asked the hospital to show me the bodies,” The deceased children Guerrero viewed…will never leave his mind.
“It was awful,” he said. “It was a high-power rifle injury. These are war wounds. It’s as if things exploded once the bullets hit the bodies.”
What causes this rage?
I just received an email from a long-time reader, a teacher who was sharing her observations over 3 decades about angry, acting-out children.
She asks: “What are the root causes of this "rage"? I am talking about kids who suddenly look like human volcanoes. Watching a nine year old with such uncontrollable anger, many of the teachers sometimes wondered if these children would someday return and "shoot up" the school.”
I’ve asked myself this question many times.
And here’s what I come up with: ”Rage is Anger with a History”TM
Rage is beyond the experience of anger. Where anger reflects something happening in the present, rage reflects overwhelming feelings from the past which intrude into the present situation.
A distressing event in the present becomes unbearable when it reminds us of painful experiences from the past.
It Starts with Feeling 'Dissed' – Usually in the form of Bullying
Before we know it we're taking something personally. An out-of-control response gets triggered, and we find ourselves having runaway reactions to present day situations.
When we're feeling vulnerable, or scared, or hurting, we often tend to protect ourselves by taking a tough stance. We puff ourselves up and sometimes engage in aggressive behaviors.
We act out our rage on the offending person who often doesn’t have a clue that we are most likely retaliating against all the bullies from our childhood.
We become outraged, then enraged. One minute feeling like a victim. The next, becoming victimizer. Wanting to get back at the person who is treating us badly. Trying to out-bully the bullies.
Holding grudges is especially eroding. This kind of resentment takes up so much space in personal or work relationships that there is no longer room for connection.
Before we know it, behaving badly. How can this be happening? How can we be behaving so outrageously?
We might ask:
Why are young adult males more impulsive, reckless and and prone to violence then other age groups? (See Washington Post link below)
Does being mistreated as a child breed the desire to do the same diminishing/scapegoating behavior to someone else?
What does it take for anger to turn into rage-filled violence?
Does it feel empowering to humiliate and bully others through violent, brutal acts?
Early negative events collect in our memory. Old injustices stockpile into a repository of rage, just waiting to be disgorged.
When a similar event happens in the present and awakens similar feelings, the stockpile ignites and you are having an intense reaction against those past injustices.
Before we know it, we are overreacting and feeling out-of-control.
So what we know about Salvador Ramos’ early history illustrates these ideas.
Family and friends have also said that he had a difficult home life, that he was bullied over a childhood speech impediment and that he lashed out violently towards both friends, strangers, and his mother – both recently and over the years.
They recall: in middle school and junior high for his stutter and lisp. Considering himself Ramos’ best friend in eighth grade, Stephen Garcia said he had a difficult school experience.
“He would get bullied hard, like bullied by a lot of people,” one friend told The Post. “Over social media, over gaming, over everything.
They played shooter - survivor video games such as “Fortnite” and “Call of Duty.”
His mother remembers around five fistfights involving Ramos in middle school and junior high. Any friendships he managed to form didn’t last long, she added.
She said he once told a friend who wanted to join the Marines that he only had that goal because then he would be able to kill people. The boy ended the friendship then and there.
Rage is 'Anger with a History'TM
Rage is an emotion beyond the experience of anger. Where anger reflects something happening in the present, and reflects ‘now’ feelings, rage reflects overwhelming feelings from the past, which intrude into the present situation.
I can’t help but wonder if Salvador Ramos was bullied in elementary school as well as in Middle School and High School that his friends describe. Maybe had the same lisp and stutter back when he was 10 years old. Could his elementary school years have been at Robb Elementary?
On a personal note:
I’m experiencing a massive dose of PTSD as my memories resurface again of spending many early morning hours on the radio with Denver/Boulder residents processing and mourning the Columbine school massacre 20 years ago.
And the visceral anxiety happened again, 10 years ago, Sandy Hook Elementary School and again 4 years ago with Stoneman Douglas High School.
Sharing some quotes which have been helpful:
Uvalde native Jon Voight visited and said:
“This is not about healthy human beings serving the country with arms to bear or even the right of this constitution for bearing arms … We must identify every individual for their credentials, for their mental capacity to bear arms."
He continued, "There should be proper qualifications for gun ownership and proper testing. One should only own a gun if they’re qualified and schooled …”
Uvalde native Matthew McConaughey also visited:
“Once again we have tragically proven that we are failing to be responsible for the rights our freedoms grant us,” McConaughey wrote. “The true call to action now is for every American to take a longer and deeper look in the mirror, and ask ourselves, ‘What is it that we truly value? How do we repair the problem? What small sacrifices can we individually take today, to preserve a healthier and safer nation, state, and neighborhood tomorrow?’ We cannot exhale once again, make excuses, and accept these tragic realities as the status quo.”
https://www.cnn.com/2022/05/26/us/uvalde-texas-elementary-school-shooting-thursday/
Thom Hartmann wrote on Memorial Day: “The soldiers we remember on Memorial Day fought and died to protect freedom for Americans. A nation cowering in fear of mass shootings is not free.”
A Nation Cowering in Fear of Mass Shootings Is Not Free
https://buzzflash.com/articles/thom-hartmann-a-nation-cowering-in-fear-of-mass-shootings-is-not-free
I find hope in Vu Le’s writing about coping with pain and despair:
"How do we grieve when every week there are multiple mass shootings? The pain and injustice has been relentless.
"I know so many of you are also feeling hopeless and despondent right now. We are not built to endure this much despair for this long.
"I find comfort in these words below by poet, author, and psychoanalyst Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés. I appreciate the whole essay, “We Were Made for These Times,” and recommend you read it in its entirety. But these sentences in particular spoke to me:
'Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world all at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach. Any small, calm thing that one soul can do to help another soul, to assist some portion of this poor suffering world, will help immensely. It is not given to us to know which acts or by whom, will cause the critical mass to tip toward an enduring good. What is needed for dramatic change is an accumulation of acts, adding, adding to, adding more, continuing. We know that it does not take everyone on Earth to bring justice and peace, but only a small, determined group who will not give up during the first, second, or hundredth gale.'"
https://nonprofitaf.com/2022/05/how-do-we-cope-with-so-much-pain-and-despair/
And I see humanity in what a San Antonio friend just told me about Dr. Roy Guerrero: He has provided space in his pediatric office for a counseling center to offer grief counseling in Uvalde..
Some Facts According to CNN:
The massacre marked the deadliest US school shooting in nearly a decade and was at least the 30th school shooting at a K-12 school in 2022. And where active shooter attacks jumped more than 50% last year
More from Uvalde's only pediatrician:
More about Salvador Ramos childhood/family:
Why Many Mass Shooters are Angry Young Men
https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/2022/06/03/why-so-many-mass-shooters-young-angry-men/
It's Not Easy Being Green - The Heartache of Being 'Different'
https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2007/05/its_not_easy_be.html
Fear, Anger, Outrage
https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2009/03/fear-anger-and-outrage.html
What Happens When Kids Experience a Traumatic Event?
https://www.yahoo.com/gma/happens-kids-experience-traumatic-event-214750326.html
The Many Faces of Survivor Guilt
https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/survivor-guilt/
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Welcoming your observations and feelings and comments . . .
You can send me an email at elayne@QueenofRejection.com or Comment on www.TipsFromtheQueenofRejection.com . . .
Until next month,
Elayne
April 30, 2022
How Can Putin Save Face?
by Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / AndreyPopov
I’ve been thinking a whole lot lately about 'Saving Face' as world-wide tensions are mounting after attacks on civilians and cities in the Ukraine.
There have been opinion pieces and several TV talking heads pondering just how Putin can feel he is saving face and can he make a graceful exit? Will he agree to negotiate a peaceful resolution or will he fight to the bitter end even if that means Russia goes down in flames as well.
And now it seems every day heads of state are publicly shaming Putin. Sending him off to sit in the corner.
And Putin again and again puffs himself up, attacking Ukrainian cities and killing adults and children.
Here’s how this kind of bully behavior works:
Bullies are usually not feeling very good about themselves. In fact, they are probably feeling insecure, anxious, hurting, ineffectual, or vulnerable. Maybe all of the above.
When the bully inflates himself and takes up all that space, it is with the intention of diminishing his opponent. Putin’s need to diminish, shrivel and devastate Ukraine is pretty apparent here. But along with his acts Putin is at the same time losing respect from much of the world (and very possibly losing self-respect.)
I’m wondering if somehow we could offer Putin the opportunity to save face and save his honor, this war could end. If we could only point him to a graceful exit, could we find a workable solution?
The Age-old Chinese Concept of 'Managing Face'
I'm been intrigued with the age-old Chinese concept of 'Managing Face' and I blogged about it almost a decade ago. Because respect is such a huge part of my focus with workshop participants, therapy and workplace clients I can't help but notice how the concept of respect and self-respect are woven throughout these definitions:
So let’s explore the Chinese wisdom of ‘Saving Face’ and ‘Losing Face’:
Managing Face
The concept of Face ('mian zi') includes personal esteem, your reputation and your honor. In other words, Respect.
Managing Face encompasses: Losing Face, Lending Face, Gaining Face, and Saving Face.
Losing Face
Losing Face is a translation of the Chinese phrase 'tiu lien' which means being unable to show one's face in public: losing your reputation and the respect of others, feeling humiliated losing self-respect.
This would include all the "diss" words I so often write about including: disrespected, dismissed, discounted, displaced, disdained, disregarded, dishonored, disgraced, disenfranchised. These feelings of course lead to self-rejection and losing face.
Lending Face
Lending Face is making someone look good. One way of doing this is through compliments.
Gaining Face
Gaining Face means gaining prestige through words or deeds. Making a name for yourself.
Saving Face
Saving Face ('yao mianzi') means to be concerned about appearances. Keeping your pride, dignity, reputation and integrity intact. Maintaining acceptance, self-acceptance, self-respect and the respect of others.
The skill of creatively negotiating means allowing someone to gracefully restate an opinion, change their mind or make concessions. Sometimes it only takes a slight change in wording or reframing an idea. The result is you leave an opponent a 'way out.'
Some folks will go to great lengths to 'Save Face.' They may continue a conflict in order not to look 'bad.' They might even blame the other person to deflect the embarrassment away from themselves. They might lie to cover up a mistake or blunder.
Playing 'Chicken' with the Abyss
Do you remember the "Chicken Run" scene in 'Rebel Without a Cause'? On a dare, Jim and Buzz race stolen cars toward the abyss. "We are both heading for the cliff, who jumps first, is the Chicken."
Putin and world heads of state also appear to be engaged in a high-stakes game of 'Chicken." Can they step back from the abyss? Or go sailing over the cliff as Buzz did?
Lots of press lately about what to do about saving face and Honor:
Yahoo: We should give Putin a face-saving way out of this war'
Fox News: Russia is trying to save face after being embarrassed in Ukraine
BBC News: Ukraine: Putin will search for a way to save face - BBC News
More info about 'Managing Face':
http://hongtu-chinabusinessservices.com/business-articles/how-to-manage-face-in-china/
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Let’s have a dialogue – what are your ideas for saving face in this terrible situation between Russia and the Ukraine.
What are our own experiences?
You can send me an email at elayne@QueenofRejection.com or Comment below. . .
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
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April 01, 2022
Bullying and Disrespect: the Supreme Court Hearings and on the Oscars Stage
by Elayne Savage, PhD
©Can Stock Photo / gina_sanders
When I’m around bullying behavior my reaction is visceral - the queasy, scary, yucky feeling that is connected to these disquieting childhood memories and makes me want to pull the covers over my head. Or throw up.
And that feeling sure took over during the last few days watching the confirmation hearings for Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson and watching Chris Rock tease and make a joke at Jada Pinkett Smith’s expense with husband Will Smith defending her honor and feelings and bullying back by slapping him across the face!
Bullying is the intentional use of power over
another person to humiliate that person or make
them feel rejected and ‘less than.’
These are some common bully behaviors:
Accusing
Arrogant
Insulting
Coercive
Discrediting
Discounting
Demeaning
Slighting
Belittling
Mocking
Criticizing
Baiting
Dismissing
Diminishing
Faulting
Undermining
Condescending
Interrupting
Shaming
Smearing
Spreading rumors
Excluding
Offending
Scorning
Contemptuous
Name-calling
Teasing
Sarcasm
Taunting
Verbal battering
Picking fights
Assaulting, shoving
Taking cheap shots
The “can’t you take a joke” variety – at someone’s expense.
These kinds of behaviors can feel hurtful and rejecting even when they are not malicious.
Can you add to the list through your observations or personal experiences?
There were a wide variety of these bullying behaviors at the Judge Jackson's Senate Judiciary hearings. I was stunned at the barrage of disrespect, bigotry and hostility directed at Judge Jackson. It actually seemed to me as if some of the Senators might be feeling threatened by the fact that she is a brilliant, educated, accomplished Black woman.
Then just a few days later we saw the teasing ‘can’t you take a joke’ variety of bullying by Chris Rock and the boundary-less defensive reaction by Will Smith that it caused at the Oscars ceremony.
With the onslaught of all these bullying happenings, no wonder I was having a PTSD-like experience.
A Major Truth About Bullies
The Judicial Committee Senators behavior illustrates a major truth about most bullies:
The bully is most likely not feeling very good about him or herself. In fact, they are probably feeling insecure, anxious, scared, hurting, weak, ineffectual, and/or vulnerable.
So to feel better about themselves they take a 'tough' stance and puff themselves up by trying to diminish the other person.
Another thing: bullies need an audience.
And some bullies lack empathy. Because they seem not to have a conscience they feel little or no guilt for hurting others.
The discomfort I was feeling about the Judge Jackson confirmation hearing was most likely my impression of the condescending attitudes, the tones of voice, the sarcasm, the badgering, and the constant rude interrupting of the candidate’s answers.
However I think for me the most unsettling aspects of the questioning was the undercurrent of hateful anger and the obvious grandstanding at the expense of Judge Jackson in order to enhance the Senators visibility and to positively influence future office-seeking.
It Starts in the Sandbox
I wrote in Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection: "It doesn’t take much for feelings to get hurt. A lot of times it starts in the sandbox, when one child flicks sand at another.
The picked-on child feels hurt and confused. 'Why me? What did I do? Do I just sit here and take it? Do I try to ignore it and pretend nothing happened? Or do I up the ante and flick sand back?'”
Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering - criticizing, belittling, shaming, or publicly humiliating someone.
But rejection doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice.
We all want to feel respected. And bullying is big-time disrespect which we perceive as rejection.
Bullied Much of My Life
You may have guessed that I was bullied often. I was a skinny little runt and without social graces — and I was an easy target for older neighborhood kids and classmates to pick on.
One reason I had such painful visceral reactions to these recent bullying instances was because they brought back vivid memories and the fears associated with them. Memories of all the times someone teased me, taunted me, humiliated me, or spit at me.
Yes, spit. That's what my next door neighbors did –
They spit across the screen separating our row houses in D.C. as they called us ‘Dirty Jews.” And their teenage son Johnny used to block me with his bike in the alley and threaten to beat me up.
How sad and confusing for me at 7 years old – I really liked Marian, the little girl who lived in that house next door. We would spend hours in her basement practicing song and dance routines to popular songs.
And Marian taught me the words to
"Chi-baba, chi-baba, chi-wawa My bambino kook-a la goombah Chi-baba, chi-baba, chi-wawa my bambino go to sleep!"
This lullaby still lives in my head.
And I’ll always remember the day Marian and I took a long walk together and as we were passing her church she invited me inside, led me to the alter and showed me how to light the candles.
Sadly these pleasant experiences became a little more tarnished each time her parents spit at me or my family, acting like they hated us.
Even in college I was bullied when a sorority sister repeatedly ‘cobwebbed’ my lower bunk bed by tightly stretching thread from post to post so on the dark sleeping porch when I climbed into bed, the thread would cut my skin.
I’ve done a lot of interviews. I can remember one particularly difficult interview on a national TV show. I was the newbie on the 'panel' and one of the regulars made great sport of being condescending. I managed to hold my own, but it was not a fun experience.
After the show the cameraman came up to me and asked if I was OK and tried to reassure me I did fine in spite of the bullying.
I don’t get bullied so much any more or at least the occasional comment doesn’t upset me quite as much as it used to. It usually involves teasing which can sometimes be hurtful even when unintentional.
Different Degrees of Resilience
Because we have different degrees of resilience or because we don’t know how to check out someone’s intent, we might find ourselves:
- Misinterpreting an ‘attitude’ or look or tone of voice
- Misunderstanding what someone says or means
- Getting on each others nerves
- Overreacting to perceived slights
- Feeling ‘dissed’ and taking something personally
Let’s face it; some of us are more sensitive to words, actions, attitudes and tones of voice than others.
The more sensitive we are, the bigger the emotional imprint of bullying might be on our adult lives.
It’s easy for most of us to occasionally feel bullied or harassed and this could have an effect on how we view our world, what we tell ourselves about the safety of our world and our ability to trust the people in it.
Respecting Personal Space and Boundaries
Seems to me part of the problem regarding bullying is folks often don't have a much of a clue about what respectful personal space and personal boundaries look like.
If you have a blind spot to what boundaries are, how can you respect them and show respect for the personal space of others?
If you are unable to notice and recognize your own inappropriate behavior, how can you choose to change it?
For most of us on the receiving end, bullying is disrespectful and rejecting behavior.
Here’s a reprint of my Diss List
I would love to have a dialogue with you about all of this . . .
Regarding the Chris Rock/Will Smith debacle: there have been several angles for reflection on the backstories. I know from my work as a social worker and psychotherapist there are some points worth considering in this piece from the Harvard Gazette: Wait — what if Will Smith was just being a man?
Until next month,
Elayne
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
February 28, 2022
Taking Laughter Personally!
By Elayne Savage, PhD
©Kakigori - Can Stock Photo Inc.
Over the years I’ve heard many stories from both workplace consultation and therapy clients about being on the receiving end of laughter and taking something personally.
Sometimes, though, it’s not about being on the receiving end. It’s about being unaware of their own laughter and then wondering why the other person is unsure about how to interpret the laughter.
I’ve been noticing how a new consultation client has been ending each of our Zoom sessions by signing off with nervous laughter.
I’m sure she is unaware she is doing it and unaware of how much this laughter detracts from the professional message she’s wanting to present
I’m planning to approach this by commenting on the gains she is making toward her goal of making a positive professional impression and ask if it’s OK if I offer a personal observation. Would she like to work on becoming aware when she laughs and how it may negate the professional impression she wants to give in her business transactions.
Many of us know from our childhood experiences of being on the receiving end of laughter, how confusing it can be, how we don’t quite know how to respond to it.
Too often we had miserable experiences growing up thinking someone was derisively laughing at us. Middle School is famous for fostering these insecurities!
Many of us used to ‘fill in the blanks’ with our own interpretation – and we still do!
I was one of those folks.
I wrote in Don’t Take It Personally! –– “It seems I was getting my feelings hurt all the time. I often thought people were laughing at me. I remember my first day at dancing class when I was about five years old. While all the parents watched, the teacher told us to follow her as best we could and she began to shuffle and stomp and kick. Then she began to shimmy, which we just couldn’t figure out. Can you just picture all of these little five-year-olds shaking their butts instead of their shoulders? The parents roared, and I, of course, thought they were laughing at me. For many years after that, I would make sure I was in the back row of any dance or movement class ….”
“Another child might not have been so reactive. Another child might have been more resilient and not so quick to perceive rejection. Another child might have gone about his or her business without wasting time and energy on deciphering the meanings of looks, tones of voice, or laughs.”
Highly Sensitive to Laughter
There are a lot of us out there who had these disheartening early experiences and still find ourselves having strong reactions to someone’s laughter, interpreting it as someone laughing at us.
One woman remembers feeling the butt of everyone’s jokes — especially her older sister’s friends. Their teasing made her feel vulnerable and self-conscious all the time.
“It took a while, but I taught myself to use self-deprecating humor, trying to make sure everyone would be laughing with me and not at me. I could be a great stand-up comic!”
And speaking of humor and comedy, another woman recently hung up the phone when her mother started laughing during their conversation. After this hang up they didn’t talk for weeks.
When the daughter was able to talk about how hurt she was when her mother laughed at her, Mom looked genuinely surprised that her laughter was so hurtful – especially that her daughter felt Mom was directing it at her.
Then Mom tells a story her daughter has never heard before: “All my life my dream has been to be to be a comedian – to stand on the stage and bring joy by making people laugh!”
This story is a good illustration of how laughter might be a double-edged sword: Wanting to bring joy through laughter to people could also cause someone to misunderstand and feel hurt.
From Self-reject to Self-respect TM
I, too, felt so much hurt from misunderstanding laughter. When I realized how this was influencing my adult interactions, I knew I had to do something to re-balance.
So I taught myself how to use laughter to overcome my moments of self-consciousness. As soon as I feel an insecurity coming on, I laugh at myself before anyone else can.
Actually I’ve developed a kind of silent giggle that instantly becomes available when I start to feel self-conscious. It helps me feel back in control of the situation and to sidestep potentially embarrassing moments.
Before I developed ‘the giggle’ I used to take myself so seriously. As a child I thought people were laughing at me all the time, so it wasn’t easy to learn to direct humor at myself. As I practiced, I discovered I wasn’t really laughing at myself. I was actually laughing with myself.
Once I began to lighten up everything changed — and I found I wasn’t taking things so personally.
Yes, that’s it: I learned how to find the balance of taking myself seriously enough to believe in myself, yet lightly enough to laugh with myself.
Do you, too, have a story to tell about your own or someone else’s nervous, self-conscious laughter?
Do you have a story to tell about overcoming the uneasy feelings that can arise in uncomfortable situations?
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
January 31, 2022
Waiting and Waiting to Hear: “Thank You for Your Good Work!”
© Can Stock Photo / 72soul
A workplace consultation client, let’s call him Mel, and I were taking a deep dive into how often he feels unappreciated for his creativity and contributions at work.
We were exploring how disappointed he was by not being validated for his major contributions to four projects that won 5 impressive awards in his field. “I was the sole Instructional Designer on 3 of those projects.”
Since I had just been interviewed on professional rejection by the Washington Post’s The Lily outlet, I offered to send him the just published piece.
His response was to say he was struck by how many folks in the sample told stories about how rejection spurred them on to bigger and better successes.
Mel realized a High School rejection experience had the opposite effect for him when he wasn’t selected for a National Merit Award. “I decided I would never receive any outside validation because I wasn’t good enough at anything else except doing well on standardized tests.”
“I craved validation, I needed to feel legitimized! And I hoped getting that Merit Award would give me a sense of accomplishment.”
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“Guess I’m still wanting that respect! When my company won those 5 awards no one from upper management reached out to me to say, “Thank you for your good work. That’s a real benefit to our company.”
Instead, silence.
And sometimes don’t most of us need to feel recognized, legitimized, appreciated, respected?
Mel’s reflections got me thinking about my own High School days when I felt Invisible. Unrecognized. Insignificant. Inconsequential. Unappreciated.
And I recalled how frequently these early rejecting experiences seemed to follow me into the workplace. There have been so many times when I was hoping someone would pat me on the head and say, “Atta girl!”
Most of us have a need to feel worthy and appreciated for who we are and what we do.
I encourage workplace and psychotherapy clients to ‘walk alongside themselves’ and observe (without judgment) how their early messages and experiences of disappointment and rejection might be reflected in their present day professional (and personal) experiences.
By discovering what those early messages have been and how they might be influencing present-day interactions, we can step back and choose to try out new approaches.
There are many facets of rejection and self-rejection. For many of us feeling disrespected usually leads the list. There are all kinds of flavors of feeling ‘dissed’ so I created a ‘Diss List’ of ways we might tend to feel dissed, feel rejected, get our feelings hurt and take something personally:
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How many of these feelings do you recognize?
Can you think of other “diss” feelings we can add to the list?
Do you have a story to tell about your own experience with feeling accepted or disappointed and rejected?
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
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December 31, 2021
A Rejection Refresher Course for the New Year
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So I’m thinking a useful way to end the year is recapping some talking points about rejection, hurt feelings and taking things personally included in past blogs from the last 15 years.
Prevention Magazine recently featured some of my ideas along with the wise observations of Matt Lundquist the Clinical Director of Tribeca Therapy.
And a recent piece in the Atlanta Journal Constitution has some terrific ideas on how to deal with hurt feelings around the holidays. For sure I’ve blogged about these challenges many times and the paper links to a blog from 2019.
So I’m reprinting these two features –sort of a Special Edition Rejection Cliff Notes.
Let me know the ways you might find these useful. . .
Tips From Prevention Magazine . . .
6 Tips for Dealing With Rejection, According to Experts
You’re not just sensitive—rejection hurts and we have the science to prove it.
By Micaela Bahn
https://www.prevention.com/health/mental-health/a38175548/how-to-get-over-rejection/
Hooray! You took a risk and put yourself out there. But after all of that emotional effort, it didn’t go as planned, and now you’re feeling just a bit wounded. Everyone deals with rejection at one point or another, so it’s no secret–rejection hurts. Whatever business we start, serious relationship we pursue, or personal risk we take, the risk of a defeating “no” looms large over our actions. Fear of rejection is completely normal, and the good news is plenty of happy, successful people have faced rejection and come out better for it.
So, why does it seem like some people are better at dealing with it than others? Sometimes, it’s about how you frame the setback. “Rejection hurts, in part, because one of the most fundamental human fears is abandonment, ” say’s Matt Lundquist, psychotherapist and Founder and Clinical Director of Tribeca Therapy.
Likewise, we frequently misinterpret rejection and consider it an indicator of our self-worth, especially if it’s attached to a rejection we experienced early in life, says Elayne Savage, Ph.D., LMFT, and author of Don’t Take It Personally: The Art of Dealing with Rejection. “Rejection messages, direct or indirect, intentional or not, leave bruises on self-esteem and security in both our personal and workplace relationships.”
The sting of rejection can be painful enough to make us never want to take the risk again, especially when we’ve put our emotions on the line. But if we take rejection as the end-all-be-all, we miss out on so many of the wonderful and surprising opportunities life has to offer. Fortunately, there are a few tangible steps you can take to help change your frame of mind so that the burn doesn’t last. Here’s why rejection hurts so much and some expert-approved tips for moving forward and finding emotional strength.
1. Know there’s a reason that rejection hurts
The term ‘sting of rejection’ isn’t just an apt turn of phrase for hurt feelings. Your brain actually registers the pain of rejection as a physical wound, so don’t think of yourself as overly sensitive.
In a study published in Science, researchers used fMRI’s to determine that rejection activates many of the same brain regions involved in physical pain. Their theory as to why: Our social bonds help promote survival. “We are fundamentally social creatures,” says Lundquist. “This isn't merely a preference—we depend on one another to survive. On a primal level, being cast out of a family or group is synonymous with death.”
Evolution aside, our reaction to social rejection is also impacted by our attachment styles, or our unique way of relating to others in a relationship. Learning to attach and to confidently detach is something we develop in childhood, explains Lundquist. In healthy attachment styles, children learn to tolerate the unpleasantness of being separate from a parent and, eventually, from other love objects. So, rejection is a particularly unpleasant form of detachment.
2. Process your feelings
Now that you know the pain isn’t just in your head, it’s time to identify and process all of the feelings that come with it. Give yourself permission to feel the full scope of your emotions. It’s important to put any sense of loss in perspective, says Savage. Here are a couple of check-in questions and coping tools that she offers patients:
- Ask yourself, ‘Am I taking this personally?’
- Ask yourself, ‘What old messages might be impacting these feelings of rejection?’
- Mindfully notice your feelings and reactions (mindfulness means without judgment!).
- Give a voice to your feelings—speak your feelings out loud or write them down.
Each of these exercises can help untangle our present feelings. “It’s critical to recognize our early rejection messages from childhood, how we dealt with them, and how they have affected our current worldview,” Savage explains. If we recognize these feelings and reactions, we can choose to change them.
3. Understand where the rejection came from
Take a deep breath because it’s time to do the scary work of exploring our own role in the rejection (again, without judgment!). One major pitfall in relationships is that we sometimes don’t communicate what we want clearly. Ask yourself: Was I asking someone to read my mind, and do I feel disappointed? Savage notes that in our need to protect ourselves from rejection, we may leave blanks for someone else to fill in.
Similarly, our insecurities can also lead us to perceive something as rejection when it’s actually not. “If we don’t clarify meaning, it can often lead to hurt feelings, taking something personally, anger and resentment,” says Savage. This “clarifying,” can be internal or in conversation with the other party. For instance, you asked your boss for a promotion and they told you you aren’t quite ready. Instead of taking this personally and giving up on that hope for your future, think of it as an opportunity to find out what your boss needs from you to beready.
A quick and easy check-in strategy you can try with interpersonal relationships, from Savage:
- This is what I heard you say ___________.
- Is it what you said?
- Is it what you meant?
There are certainly times we shouldn’t delve further into the rejection conversation. But if the situation allows for it and it feels right, this strategy can work to fix communication breakdowns and save your unnecessary hurt.
4. Avoid unproductive rumination
At the same time, be kind to yourself in your reflection! We have a tendency to be our own worst critics. But ruminating for hours on everything you did wrong may overgeneralize the situation or discourage you from taking future risks—just because you didn’t get this job, doesn’t mean you’ll never get a job. “Some of the biggest challenges patients face when processing rejection are the tendency to self-blame and spend way too much energy on catastrophizing the situation,” Savage explains. Instead, try to take a more objective standpoint in your assessment and move on to what’s next.
5. Take stock of what you can learn
Allow yourself to frame the situation as an experience you can grow from. For example, you want to take a romantic relationship to a more serious level, but your partner does not. Sure, this can be related to your role in the relationship, but the other person may also have a hard time with commitment. “What can you learn about what didn't work in the relationship?” Lundquist asks. “Are there ways you need to grow as a person? If there is a history of attachment trauma or unhealthy attachment, say to unavailable people, you want to bring that to therapy.” Not only will this give you perspective, but it will also help you avoid pitfalls in the future.
6. Surround yourself with positivity
No matter the “size” of the rejection, whether it’s at work or home, it can still have a negative impact on our sense of self-worth. Mediate that response by reminding yourself of your strengths. Studies show that practicing affirmations can decrease stress, increase well-being, improve academic performance, and makes people more open to behavior change. It can also help bring an end to that troublesomerumination. If you need a list of affirmations to get your creative juices flowing, here are 40 examples from Kaiser Permanente.
You can also do activities that help boost your mood, affirm your self-worth, and do them with those who care about you. “It's important to get support from caring people when going through a hard time, and that also goes for rejection,” says Lundquist.
7. Redirect your thoughts on moving forward
You’ve faced rejection and survived it, now don’t let it hold you back from life! How will you apply what you learned to the future? What life advice did the situation give you? The best part of rejection is looking forward and learning not to be so hard on yourself in the future. “Moving on can mean finding the courage to try again, whether that’s going up for another promotion or asking someone out for coffee,” Savage says.
Micaela Bahn is a freelance editorial assistant and recent graduate from Carleton College, where she majored in English literature.
And from the Atlanta Journal Constitution . . .
This recent piece has some terrific ideas on how to deal with hurt feelings around the holidays. For sure I’ve blogged about this many times over the last 15 years and I’m glad the paper included some of my ideas!
Don’t Get Your Feelings Hurt This Christmas
A really helpful any-time primer on how to deal with disappointments and to not take things so personally!
Wishing you a New Year filled with all good things!
Image by Gerd Altmann, Pixabay
Until Next month,
Elayne
© Elayne Savage, PhD
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November 23, 2021
Tip-toeing Through Thanksgiving
I wrote my first Thanksgiving Survival blog November 2007. That year I described how the stressful times we live in contributed to acrimony at the table.
The know-it-all uncle who always has to always be right or the aunt who loves to tease and embarrass someone are again guests at the table.
Over the years I would describe these kinds of unpleasant exchanges with right-on observations and clever humor.
Things aren’t so funny anymore . . .
Back in 2017 I wrote:
“Every couple of years I blog about ways to take care of ourselves when Holiday get-togethers become tense or uncomfortable or contentious –– especially in stressful times.
“Is it my imagination that this year there seems to be more lashing out, acting out, and fighting it out?
“How can you best stay calm when folks around you are losing control? Probably someone will take something personally and overreact, saying or doing something that could ruin things for everyone.”
Oh, man. How naïve I was back then about the ravages of stress. Covid has produced even more unrelenting uncertainty, fears for personal safety and security, and for some of us, even a sense of alarm.
Honestly, sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe – and here in California the smoky air from months of fires this last year didn’t help matters.
So grateful to have my room air purifier!
So here comes Thanksgiving again . . .
Thinking positive thoughts of gratitude could be a difficult thing to do while sitting at the dinner table with relatives who have much different ideas about masks or vaccinations or inflation or ballot recounts or immigration or social justice or protests or riots or guns and rifles or climate change or universal pre-K or women’s right to choose or voting rights or infrastructure or childcare or subpoenas and indictments or various trials.
So much intensity and bitterness and everybody seems to be ready to pick a fight, needing to be right – and to make everybody else ‘and wrong and bad.’
Are there any topics you feel safe talking about?
So let’s prepare ourselves in case there is discord at the table. Here are a few ideas and options I’ve offered over the last 15 years and maybe some new ones too.
Uncle George is at the table again. Lately he has been more blustery and obnoxious then ever before. In the past you’ve been embarrassed when you realize you are raising your voice to be heard above his rants and to make your point.
So how do you handle him this year?
- Remind yourself he tries to ‘bait’ you and try not to bite.
- Be direct. Say "'Uncle George, I can see you feel strongly about your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this subject with you.’
• Imagine you are watching family members as characters in Theatre of the Absurd
It usually helps is to take a step back, reminding yourself that observing the drama of your family at Thanksgiving is like watching a Theatre of the Absurd.
Much like Beckett's "Waiting for Godot" or Pirandello's "Six Characters in Search of an Author,” these scenes and dialogue sound surreal.
Maybe by creating a little distance you might even find them somewhat entertaining in their weirdness.
Using this observational perspective about the cast of characters at your table can provide the distance you need to protect from hurt feelings and to not take things so personally.
• Stay aware of appropriate personal boundaries when the other person transgresses your emotional or physical boundaries.
From Breathing Room
“Having good personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our personal space is unique and separate from the personal space of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."
You may want to set your own safety rules around hugs and kisses because of Covid, and its OK to say “I need you to respect my safety requests here.
• Try to be mindful of your thoughts, words and reactions and remind yourself you can make choices about how you respond.
You may have heard this from me before: walk alongside yourself, and mindfully notice your thoughts and feelings and reactions. (Mindful means ‘without judgment’!).
Recognizing and ‘naming’ our thoughts and feelings helps to avoid getting swept up in the moment, slows down the intensity and helps you identify your options for responding.
If we can’t recognize it, if it’s a blindspot, we can’t make the choice to change it. Observing gets the flow going and opens up space for seeing our options for how we respond.
Just because we disagree with someone, doesn’t mean we have to argue or force our point of view.
Can you listen respectfully, without interrupting or arguing or rolling your eyes. If someone feels dissed by your words, tone or attitude, they might overreact and that’s when things get out of control.
And speaking of respect. Here’s a tip I have offered for decades in my workshops and to therapy and workplace consulting clients for dealing with toxic bosses or colleagues:
Since infancy we look into someone’s eyes hoping to find validation and respect. So we are quick to recognize it and respond positively (and quick to respond negatively if we feel rejected – disrespected or dismissed.
• Turning negative energy into a respectful, positive conversation
I suggest trying to employ the concept of reciprocity to encourage an exchange of positive, respectful energy between you and the other person.
Reciprocity relates to how each person's behavior affects and is affected by the behavior of the other.
In other words, what someone thinks you are thinking about them is how they are going to respond to you.
Can you find something to like or appreciate about the person you are talking with? This can be a real attribute you find likeable or it can be something more subtle like their smile, their choice of colors, their hair style, their laugh. Can you conjure up a positive thought about them? Keep trying. I bet you can come up with something.
Then focus on that feature while you are interacting. They will see respect in your eyes and almost always respond the same to you!
• Strategize escape routes if things start getting off track
– Excuse yourself from the table and walk yourself into the bathroom for a few minutes, close the door and breath deeply.
– Walk into the kitchen to get a glass of water or to help out the host.
– Make a deal with yourself before the dinner that you will give yourself permission to leave early if you are feeling too stressed and upset. Plan out beforehand your excuse for leaving.
• And the best survival tactic is to not take things so personally – it’s probably not really about you!
Aunt Judy will be at the table this year too. You have always dreaded her unrelenting obnoxious comments that make you want to crawl under the table and disappear when she broadcasts stories about your childhood insecurities: “You always were too sensitive.”
Try being direct about her boundary transgressions: “Aunt Judy, in celebrating this time of appreciation, i would appreciate it if you agree not to tell childhood stories about me.”
Can you remind yourself that teasing is bullying behavior and bullies are often feeling ‘less than’ and insecure. They have a need to puff themselves up by diminishing others..
Can you remind yourself that her snide comments to you are most likely reflections of her own insecurities that she is projecting onto you.
Can you remind yourself that it’s probably not about you can do wonders toward helping you regain your balance in awkward and unsettling situations. Someone’s judgments, criticisms or accusations might only be their projection onto you of their own unacceptable and disowned parts of themselves.
These unacknowledged feelings can include anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness, vulnerabilities, incompetence, or dependency."
Keep reminding yourself these kinds of criticisms are really about the other person – not about you – so try not to take it personally!
• Remind yourself not get pulled in when the fisherman throws out bait by their teasing, accusations, mean-spiritedness, or cluelessness.
Can you choose not to be the fish that bites the bait?
In my 2015 Thanksgiving blog I wrote this quote from Master Yoda:
"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
Would you agree the meaning is so much more profound today?
Happy Thanksgiving everyone who celebrates this holiday . . . and wishing everyone a time of gratitude, of appreciating and of receiving appreciation – wherever you reside in the world . . .
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
October 31, 2021
I Didn't Know the Gun Was Loaded . . .
© Can Stock Photo - McIninch
When I was little I played with my daddy’s gun.
I’d pull the stool from the vanity over to the dresser so I could reach the top drawer and then reach under clothing for the gun. Luckily there was never a bullet in a chamber – but there could have been.
I know now this is how unintentional shootings happen.
I felt perfectly comfortable with the gun. It was many years before I started becoming upset by the memory of this as I was reading story after story about children playing with guns and shooting themselves or someone else.
It was then that I began to understand how dangerous it could have been. I realized these unintended shootings happened when a supposedly responsible adult forgot to empty all the chambers AND forgot to secure the gun in locked location –– then a child got killed or injured.
I Cringe from These Tragedies
I cringe each time I hear about these unintentional shootings by and of a child.
I know it’s a PTSD visceral response for me whenever I read about one of these senseless deaths or injuries. I’m reminded, “It could have been me.”
I have been reacting to these ‘accident’ stories for years, but I’ve never written about my feelings until now.
Most shootings by children are shootings of children
Yes, most shootings by children are shootings of children, a young sibling or a cousin or a playmate. However, sometimes a child shoots an uncle or aunt. Sometimes a parent – or even both parents.
Sometimes they unintentionally shoot themselves in the head or heart and die.
They find the guns in closets and nightstand drawers and backpacks or purses, or just left out in plain sight.
Recently many of us were aghast when a toddler in his Florida house found an unsecured gun and shot and killed his mother while she was on a video call with co-workers. Her colleagues witnessed the shooting and called 911.
Seem to be happening as well at children’s birthday parties. Imagine the traumatic memories each of these children will carry with them for the rest of their lives.
I’m a great believer in giving overwhelming feelings some form and shape and I discovered a website that keeps track of unintentional shootings of children by children.
Everytown Research and Policy
https://everytownresearch.org/report/notanaccident/
In 2021 there were at least 288 unintentional shootings by children, resulting in 118 deaths and 185 injuries nationally.
- Shootings by children are most often also shootings of children. Ninety-one percent of those injured or killed in unintentional shootings by children were also under 18.
- Seven in ten of the unintentional child shootings occurred in homes, whether in the home of the shooter, the victim, a relative’s house, or another home. Unintentional shootings occurred most frequently when children were likely to be home: over the weekend, in the summer, and during school holidays.
- The two age groups most likely to be both shooters and victims were teenagers 14 to 17 first, and then preschoolers five and younger.
- The 10 states with the highest rates of injury and death as a result of unintentional child shootings had rates more than 12 times higher than the 10 states with the lowest rates.
- States with secure storage or child access prevention laws had the lowest rates of injury or death from unintentional child shootings. Rates of death or injury from these shootings in states with no secure storage laws were double to triple the rates in states with laws that hold gun owners accountable when children can or do access an unsecured gun.
https://everytownresearch.org/maps/notanaccident/
As I stated above, I”ve been wanting to write down my feelings about children having access to guns for several years. Interestingly what prompted me right now was reading about another senseless horrific unintentional killing. When Alec Baldwin, practicing drawing his prop gun, shot and killed cinematographer Halyna Hutchins and wounded director, Joel Souza on the ‘Rust’ movie set. The supposedly "cold" gun handed to Baldwin for practice had a real bullet in the chamber.
What was especially disturbing is a report describing how a number of crew members had taken prop guns from the movie set of ‘Rust’ — including the gun that killed Halyna Hutchins — to go “plinking” to pass the time a few hours before the unintentional shooting. I grew up in Nebraska knowing about this activity where folks shot beer cans off of a fence with live ammunition for fun –– but I’ve never heard the term ‘plinking’ before. Have you?
https://www.yahoo.com/now/rust-shooting-gun-killed-halyna-210815754.html
I grew up hearing the song 'I Didn’t Know the Gun Was Loaded' and didn’t think much about it –– until recently –– and now I can’t seem to get it out of my head.
I’d be grateful if some of you would discuss your own ideas on accidental shootings by children. Having these conversations would be really helpful for me. And maybe for you too.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
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September 30, 2021
Congressional Communication Breakdowns Replicate Troubled Couples
By Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / focalpoint
Lately the squabbling and dramatic goings-on in Congress remind me of many troubled couples I see in my psychotherapy practice.
My intake information form asks: “Why did you decide to come into therapy now?” and almost always couples answer with the same one or two words: “Communication” or “Communication Problem.”
My first job, of course, is to get some specifics about what this means – “communication” covers a lot of ground.
Mostly couples want to be listened to, heard, and understood.
The kinds of things that are often lacking in these relationships are what appears to be lacking in our present Congress: becoming entrenched in ‘my way or the highway’ thinking, the inability to clearly define what they want and expecting others to read their minds, and not having skills to respectfully negotiate a workable solution.
I describe it this way: If we can’t talk it out, we act it out – sometimes by name-calling or by outbursts, but often by non-actions such as sulking or foot-dragging or saying ‘yes-but’ or by making promises that are not kept, or by shutting out the other person.
Feeling Rejected and Disrespected Through Misunderstandings
Too often they do not know how to clarify meaning and they ‘fill in the blanks” with their own interpretation.
One easy way to check out meaning is:
- This is what I heard you say? ––––––––––––––––
- Is this what you said?
- Is this what you meant?
The gives the other person two opportunities to clarify and avoid any misunderstanding.
These mis-cues and misunderstandings are a breeding ground for taking things personally, hurt feelings, disrespect, anger, feeling rejected, resentment and further breakdown in communication.
Resentment sure takes up a tremendous amount of space in any type of relationship – including Congress.
Communication breakdown too often leads to blaming, dismissive, name-calling behaviors. Needing to make the other person ‘bad and wrong.’ Inability to take responsibility for their words or actions., dismissive behaviors such as diminishing the other person by bullying.
I work with couples toward defining and asking for what they want or need, feeling 'heard' by their partner, respecting rather than feeling threatened by differences of style, putting themselves in the shoes of the other person, giving and receiving respect, and enhancing ways to work as a team.
Even when they come in with different agendas, I coach them:
- to clearly communicate so each is feeling listened to and heard.
- to use words of yearning instead of complaining.
- to enhance their relationship strengths by helping the hurt, anger, disrespect and resentment to fall away, allowing space for responsiveness, accessibility and connection.
- to fully understand the power of reciprocity in relationships:
Understanding Sequence and Reciprocity
Sequence is identifying what behavior comes before and what behavior follows. And what comes before that? And before that? What behavior comes after? Soon a pattern of interaction begins to emerge.
Related to sequence is reciprocity – the effect of behavior on future behaviors – how one response begets another. In other words, every action is also a reaction, creating a circular rather than linear process of relating.
It means taking a good look at how folks participate in and contribute to the flow of any interaction. In both negative and positive ways.
In other words, what someone thinks you are thinking about them is how they are going to respond to you.
Let’s suppose one person says something the other person perceives as accusatory. The response is often to protect from the perceived attack. The first reaction may be to withdraw, maybe nursing hurt feelings or giving the other person the silent treatment.
What if this withdrawal is perceived as a snub? What if they say something hurtful in response?
And what happens then? Does the person withdraw even more to protect themselves from more hurt? And does the other person feel even more ignored and slighted? How do they react to this feeling?
At what point does the interaction start to disintegrate?
And on and on it goes. In other words, in this kind of circular interaction, each person's behavior affects and is affected by the other person’s behavior.
Before you know it, there is a reciprocity of behaviors that's rapidly getting out of hand.
Yep, that describes Congress perfectly: Out of Hand.
Until next month,
Elayne
© Elayne Savage, PhD
|
August 31, 2021
Inhale. Exhale.
By Elayne Savage, PhD
© CanStock Photos
This Seattle times op-ed by the Head of School at Seattle Girls' School, Brenda Leaks, is helping me get through the very tough times of late. I’m grateful to my daughter Jocelyn for forwarding this to me.
As the doors of Seattle Girls' School are opening for the beginning of a new school year Brenda Leaks is describing her complex thoughts, observations, concerns and hopes.
She seems to portray classroom challenges as a microcosm for the world and for our planet.
“This is not the back-to-school season any of us expected, she writes. With the delta variant surging, we are steeling ourselves for yet another year of uncertainty.”
“I found myself with my eyes closed, inhaling and exhaling deeply in an effort to center myself.”
Throughout her piece, she reminds us:
Inhale, exhale.
“At this strange moment, deep breathing seems like the best thing we can do. Inhaling creates the space to pull in strength and patience and exhaling lets us release anxiety and doubt.”
I was immediately caught up by her observations, especially because she focuses on so many of the themes I have been blogging about: the need for community, feeling left out or left behind, another year of uncertainly, how to feel safe, and how each person is dealing with different feelings, stressors, comfort levels and anxieties.
I just love her repetition of her reminders to:
“Inhale, exhale.”
These words have now become indelible inside my head.
And yet, as I write this while struggling to breathe because of the intense smoke from our nearby wildfires, I am fully aware that there are many whose lungs don’t cooperate, breathing is compromised from Covid or other disabilities. Perhaps the idea of breathing is best identified as a way of creating space when we feel tense, stressed, anxious, exasperated.
I’ve been working hard to keep my own anxieties at bay. I’m a news junkie at heart and I’m certainly feeling overwhelmed these days.
Are Evacuations Becoming a Way of Life?
So many evacuations –– in Afghanistan of course and in the US, too, from Hurricane Ida, floods, tornados and storms and because of all the wildfires throughout California.
Imagine! Hurricane Ida made landfall in Louisiana on the same date Katrina did 16 years earlier!
Evacuations have become a part of my personal life too, mostly because of wildfire threats to our drought-ridden areas.
A year ago Josie the Cat and I evacuated 7 times in two months during extreme fire danger conditions. City officials kept warning us that cars would not be able to drive down the hill because of our narrow streets. And we continue to get red flag warnings regularly.
When I blogged last month about getting our Afghan interpreters to safety so there is no one left behind, I didn’t expect a Taliban takeover within 2 ½ weeks, followed by 2 suicide bombs by ISIS-K killing 13 of US troops and scores of civilians.
And, too, I have needed much healing space after a very scary car accident in mid-March when I hydroplaned into logs bordering the narrow road. I have a serious traumatic head injury from hitting the driver’s side window – hard.
Rescue, police and the tow guy all said I was really lucky — that my solid SUV saved me. The car was totaled of course.
I am working every day to stay calm in this chaotic world. I have been trying to cut back on my news junkie hours. I have been working one-on-one with a meditation instructor and I am making a real effort to spend even 10 minutes a couple times a day to calm my mind.
Once I got over my long-held belief from Zen Center days that meditation has to be 30 or 40 minutes, it has become so much easier for me to make the space.
Inhale, exhale.
And I appreciate Brenda Leaks down-to-earth description of Joy:
“Moving forward with purpose and excitement despite setbacks.”
Inhale, exhale.
So I’m sharing this op-ed with you, hoping you, too, can apply some her ideas to our larger-than-a-classroom-sometimes overwhelming complex world . . .
https://www.seattletimes.com/author/brenda-leaks/
Until next month, Elaynne
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Comments, ideas, discussion anyone?
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
July 31, 2021
Feeling Left Behind
By Elayne Savage, PhD
Yesterday I heard Matt Zeller, a founder of No One Left Behind passionately speaking about the first planeload of 221 Afghan interpreters and their families arriving in Virginia – the first wave of evacuees under the Special Immigrant Visa Program.
Zeller asks: “Do we have the courage and conviction to do what is necessary here?
We have to do it honorably. We have the ability to save them – they don’t have the ability to save themselves. It is up to us.”
There have been some touching first person experiences about Afghan interpreters who have saved many lives and now their families lives are in danger from the Taliban.
No One Left Behind, cofounded by Afghanistan combat veteran Matt Zeller and interpreter Janis Shinwari, helps endangered interpreters and their families immigrate to the United States. Shinwari saved countless American lives, including Zeller’s in Afghanistan.
Eliot Ackerman, a former Marine and intelligence officer who served five tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan describes his re-connection with his Afghan interpreter, Ali.
https://amp.theatlantic.com/amp/article/619151/.
And more interpreter evacuee information:
https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/2021/07/30/afghan-interpreters-evacuations/
I have been aware for quite a while that the Taliban has threatened Afghan interpreters. Matt Zeller states “If you worked for the Americans for even a day — leads to a death sentence for you and your family by Taliban.”
Now, with the Taliban advancing into territories as the Americans withdraw, this fear becomes more real every day.
So I’ve been pretty distressed about the seemingly hopeless situation of the interpreters and their families who will be left behind. I kept thinking that my degree of distress seems more complex. What’s going on here?
Then I knew! I have a long-time relationship with a fear of being left behind. I have heard scores of ‘left behind’ stories from therapy and workplace clients, workshop participants, colleagues and friends.
Some of My Feeling ‘Left Behind’ Experiences
Here we go:
In 2nd grade in DC they did away with mid-year so we were either placed forward a grade or back based on our birthdates. I was placed forward since I had just missed the deadline cutoff. The third grade class had already learned cursive and more challenging math and I felt really left behind in my abilities. I began to doubt myself.
My good friend was placed back a grade and was so upset about it, feeling and “dumb” and very left behind.
I’ve heard many classroom moved forward and moved back stories over the years. Both situations can have such long-term effects on us.
As the daughter of a ‘stage mother’ I was always afraid I wouldn’t be chosen for a part in a play and that I would disappoint her.
I am clear now that I decided to go back to school for a Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology because several of my coworkers were chosen to attend an in-house graduate program. My feeling left behind spurred me on to attend a private Psychology graduate school!
I can see how these ‘left behind’ experiences are very connected to my rejection issues of feeling ‘left out’ which have plagued me into my adult years.
Other Voices
A woman I know grew up in a family where she was told college was “not for her” because of her learning disability. One day her mom and sister said to her—‘it is time to accept your life is over and to find a husband in the town and settle and have kids.” She clearly did not feel heard or acknowledged by her family.
After many years of feeling left behind by her peers who had already graduated college or graduate school, she decided as an adult to start community college and transfer to the University. She is determined to graduate. Her resiliency is amazing. Through self advocacy she tirelessly pursued effective communication accommodations that include Communication Access Realtime Translation (CART) captioning and transcription services.
“When I decided to begin college with the help of the new Americans with Disabilities Act technology law to get CART Captioning and transcription services, I found my accommodation needs were not being heard and recognized and acknowledged by the school and the department that was supposed to provide these to me. So almost daily I was left behind the class because I was unable to complete my reading and assignments.
The dread of being left behind is constantly recreated by the University’s inability to provide adequate accommodations for me and I am regularly not feeling heard or acknowledged — just as it was in my family!
Again I watched everyone pass me up and graduate and move on with their lives.
“This is deeply sad and painful to face the reality that not only did I try to go to college once and twice and people are passing me by and graduating that are younger than me. My completion of classes and graduation keeps getting postponed because of the University’s inability to provide acceptable and timely transcription services and CART captioning to me."
I’ve heard many stories about clients not feeling they can start college or specialized training because they believe or had been told by family or high school teachers they lack the skills.
One student summed it up pretty well: “Being left behind is like the ultimate rejection. Being left behind means feeling despair because of missing emotional support and perhaps financial support from your family.”
Another student describes:
Lack of family support feels like rejection and makes you question yourself. It's unfortunate but this kind of stuff can really make you dwell and take you down the road of depression. It's a Dark Road.
Several students painfully remember how they were told they lack the skills and abilities. They were also told "That's a pipe dream - Be realistic."
When Separations Can Feel Like Being Left Behind
. . . and Abandonment
Lots of stories too about when families are no longer intact and the separation arrangements might lead to children feeling ‘left behind.’
Or feeling ‘left behind’ when a good friend moves across town or across the country. Especially if you did not receive much of a warning. This sort of thing happens all too often.
It does seem like abandonment fears may sometimes arise from certain ‘left behind’ experiences.
So many types of ‘left behind’ experiences.
Do you have one to tell as well? Would really love to hear your stories.
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
June 30, 2021
Disloyalty, Betrayal and Secrets, Too
By Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / Elnur
Loyalty and Betrayal (and Secrets, too) have been a popular topic with friends, colleagues and clients lately. There must be something in the air.
Topics of Loyalty, Betrayal and Secrets have captured my interest for decades – they have such a strong connection to the many facets of Rejection.
So I’m excited about Jonathan Karl’s soon-to-be-published book Betrayal, due out in November!
In graduate school, I was totally intrigued by Invisible Loyalties, by Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy, focusing on how loyalty and betrayal messages travel throughout the generations in our families.
More about “Invisible Loyalties and the Ledger
He describes an invisible ‘ledger’ of justice and injustice, fairness and unfairness, trustworthiness and untrustworthiness and loyalty and betrayal.
My first reaction: OMG that’s my family! I have never thought about things this way.
There are so many messages we take on in our growing up years. Messages about our world, the people in our world, our sense of safety and security in our world and our ability to trust.
And experiences with the disappointments of Loyalty, Betrayal and Secrets can big time affect our ability to trust.
I see it this way: Too often we might find ourselves feeling disappointed in people or events. And all too often, Disappointment feels like Rejection.
When Disloyalty Rears Its Ugly Head
Sometimes someone takes it personally if the other person neglects to agree with them or take their advice. This feels like disloyalty to them – a betrayal. In other words: “If you're not for me, you're against me.”
Some folks even encourage others to choose sides. And because blind support becomes a proof of loyalty to them, if it is absent they they feel betrayed and take it personally.
Sometimes in interactions with other there is just no room for mistakes – even the smallest gaffe can quickly become distorted into “proof” of disloyalty and emphasizing what a bad person that person is.
Some folks seem to have a need to lash out and punish others for a mis-step, kind of like when a dog has an 'accident,’ rubbing its nose in it "to teach a lesson."
Then again, sometimes it emanates from being vindictive and retaliating in just plain mean-spiritedness
Are there other kinds of Disloyalty experiences you are aware of?
Making Someone ‘Bad and Wrong’
Wrapped up in our need to make others bad and wrong might be connected to our inability to take responsibility for our thoughts or actions.
Some of us never heard our parents take responsibility or apologize. To each other. Or to us. For anything.
Some of us struggle with taking responsibility for actions because we confuse it with the idea we might feel blamed (or even shamed.)
And if we cannot tolerate these feelings in ourselves this can lead to psychological projection – the tendency to see our own shortcomings in others.
Psychological Projection
So basically Psychological Projection is a tendency to mistakenly imagine certain traits exist in the other person when we cannot acknowledge them in ourselves. This is because these disowned parts of ourselves make us uncomfortable because they are emotionally unacceptable to us.
Projection is how many people deal with all kinds of unacknowledged, unacceptable feelings including anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness, vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency.
(For more on Psychological Projection, see link below)
The ‘Attack-Defend’ Dynamic
When we feel a finger is pointed and we feel criticized or blamed, the tendency is to protect ourselves and retaliate. And the Attack-Defend’ dynamic springs into action. Somebody feels attacked, takes something personally and sometimes the other person becomes ‘the enemy.”
The person who feels attacked and vulnerable often defends against the attack by attacking back - sometimes desperately and ferociously:
Lashing out
Accusing
Discrediting
Discounting
Slighting
Criticizing
Dismissing
Diminishing
Faulting
Undermining
Shaming
Smearing
Scorning
You may recognize these responses as rejecting behaviors.
Some Tips for Tapping Into Your Resilience
I like to remind myself of the old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing. When someone is pointing a finger at you, try to remind yourself that three fingers are pointing right back at the person pointing. The SNL folks got it right.
- It helps to put things in perspective by asking yourself:
Am I taking this personally? How?
Is there any cause for me to feel threatened?
Am I feeling rejected in some way?
Where did this reaction come from?
Is it something “old”?
(From Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection)
- Try repeating:
"This is not about me. This is most likely about the other person and they are probably talking about themselves.
What might they be saying?“ Could they be coming from a place of fear and needing to protect themselves?
- Too often a situation in the present reminds us of an experience from the past. Do you know what that experience might be? Is it superimposing onto your present experience?
The context and people may be very different from what is happening now, however the experience continues to reside in your neural pathways and becomes visceral.
- Can you remind yourself to try to separate the ‘then’ from the ‘now’ so you are creating some distance? So you don't find yourself taking things so personally and overreacting.
- By ’walking alongside yourself, noticing and naming’ your thoughts, feelings and behaviors, you can remind yourself you do have options for your reactions.
‘Make a Choice to Make a Change'
Think about it this way: we cannot really purposefully change a behavior if we cannot see it.
So by ‘noticing and naming’ you can call up the image of yourself coming to a fork in the road. And you can chose to move forward along a new path. You can ‘make a choice to make a change.’
More on Finger Pointing, Taking Things Personally, Rejection and Projection
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month . . .
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
May 31, 2021
Air Rage - Who Gave Permission for Such Bad Behavior?
By Elayne Savage, PhD
CanStock Photo / rogistok
What a disturbing nationwide trend air rage has become! And this latest incident is shocking –– someone didn’t want to follow the rules so she knocked out two teeth of a flight attendant.
A statement from Southwest says she had "repeatedly ignored standard inflight instructions and became verbally and physically abusive upon landing." She is now banned from Southwest flights for life.
I’m fascinated by rages and over the last couple of decades I’ve written about and been interviewed on many types: air rage and road rage and movie rage and fast food rage and shopping mall rage, and birthday party rage.
My blogs about air rage date back to 2010:
Outbursts of Outrage – Where Is This Hateful Anger Coming From?
Does Air Rage Reflect These Outrageous Times?
Also some blogs about various other rages in the news:
https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/rage/
One of my favorites is Fear, Anger and Outrage
Far too many outbursts have resulted in serious injuries and deaths of innocent bystanders. Yet when I re-read many of the earlier incidents I’m stunned at what seemed outrageous a few years ago seems tame to me now –– when compared to the massive outrageousness of recent behavior.
This month, the Federal Aviation Administration warned air travelersthat there has been a spike in disorderly or dangerous behavior aboard passenger planes.
According to the FAA: ”In a typical year, the transportation agency sees 100 to 150 formal cases of bad passenger behavior. But since the start of this year, the agency said, the number of reported cases has jumped to 1,300, an even more remarkable number since the number of passengers remains below pre-pandemic levels.”
However when the passengers who refuse to comply with the federal mask mandate are added in, the figure reaches 2,500!
The San Diego Union-Tribune observes:
“Bad behavior on commercial flights is not a new phenomenon.
But now it has become a national concern.
Unruly and sometimes violent passengers have become more frequent, disrupting flights and injuring airline employees, according to the Federal Aviation Administration, longtime flight attendants and pilots.
That coincides with a pandemic-heightened contentious and politically divided society, where some people don’t merely question rules intended to safeguard themselves and the public at large, but believe they have the right to simply ignore them.
The sense of entitlement is hard to miss.
Many of the disputes erupt over requirements to wear masks in an effort to limit the spread of COVID-19 — whether on an airliner, in a restaurant or at a coffee shop.
Often bearing the brunt of customer anger over the rules are flight attendants, restaurant servers, store clerks and other front-line service industry employees who already are at greater risk of becoming infected by the coronavirus than other workers.
Being abusive to people who a) didn’t make the rules and b) are trying to help get you what you came for or where you’re going is beyond unfair.
Then there’s the selfish disregard for potentially endangering the health of people nearby, never mind ruining their flight or meal, by being a jerk.
It’s hard to quantify these incidents involving masks because they aren’t all reported and there’s nothing to compare them to pre-pandemic. Certainly, amplification through news reports and social media can make them seem common. The reality is, most everyone does the right thing. The vast majority of people who fly on planes and eat at restaurants are game to follow the rules for the service they are getting.
Unfortunately, some aren’t.”
Getting Upset, Overreacting and Lashing Out . . .
I’m noticing I’m getting angry easier and lashing out more than usual with the stress of the pandemic and isolation. Colleagues, friends and clients are reporting the same kinds of stressful interactions. I, too, find myself easily irritated. I even yelled at my cat the other day. Well, no, actually I screamed at her.
Do you, too, find yourself becoming more reactive than in ‘normal ‘times?
Let’s take a look at overreacting. All too often we take something personally and overreact when something hurtful is said to us or we feel blamed or slighted or personally attacked. We may get defensive when people don't see things our way, we might see others as “wrong” and “bad” and we might tend to turn the situation into “us” and “them.”
When we take something personally, it is usually because we are overly sensitive to what somebody says or does OR what they neglect to say or do. The bottom line is we feel disrespected in some way.
Feeling “dissed” can stir up hurt feelings which may turn into anger and resentment. All too often anger turns into rage.
Rage is an oversized step beyond anger and I see an important distinction: anger is connected to the present, rage is rooted in the past. It bursts forth when a situation in the present triggers profound emotions — early hurts and resentments about a similar type of situation are bubbling under the surface. These experiences of rejection are most likely from childhood: siblings, parents, extended family, peers, teachers or coaches.
This is why I call rage “anger with a history.”
What Causes These Outbursts?
CanStock/ willierossin
Where do these potent emotions come from? What causes these outbursts, these lapses in good judgment? What causes rage to explode into out of control behaviors, even violence? What prompts us to react so desperately?
When new perceived rejection hurts pile onto old ones each hurtful remark opens old wounds. Anything in that stockpile can ignite. We get overwhelmed and unable to think straight. We overreact and lose control.
Feeling disrespected includes judgment, criticism, condescension, betrayal, bullying and humiliation –– all are facets of rejection.
When we feel mistreated, unsafe or threatened, we tend to defend ourselves. We restore our pride by attacking back. Or by seeking revenge.
Sometimes our rebellion comes from not liking to be ordered to do something – like obeying rules and wearing masks on an airplane.
Today’s news is filled with personal and cultural rage that is assaultive and violent. Our elected officials are increasingly at each other’s throats. Someone is an unwitting victim of road rage, air rage, fast food rage and birthday party rage. Sports rage produces melees on basketball courts, playing fields and little league games. A student is taunted by others and brings a gun to school. Someone feels slighted and disrespected and stalks and kills co-workers.
We are at the same time victim and victimizer.
A paragraph in the piece quoted above in the San Diego Union-Tribune describes the power of isomorphism: “Bad behavior on commercial flights….coincides with a pandemic-heightened contentious and politically divided society, where some people don’t merely question rules intended to safeguard themselves and the public at large, but believe they have the right to simply ignore them. The sense of entitlement is hard to miss.”
Isomorphism is a term from systems theory –– you may know it by the terms ‘parallel process’ or ‘social contagion.’
Isomorphism is where patterns repeat from one setting to another, including attitudes, moral character, values and temperament. I’ve noticed that the culture of each administration lappears to be influencing many people as it trickles down from Congress and the White House into our workplaces and personal lives.
Isomorphism is a reflection of one situation by another. We pick up the mood or energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it – often unknowingly.
I frequently hear this pattern described by my workplace consultation clients. The character and values of the leader trickles down to staff. Sometimes the workforce is highly uncomfortable with it.
More on isomorphism: When Toxic Behavior Trickles Down (from 2017)
The experience of losing control and overreacting, and lashing out feels pretty yucky to most of us. The disrespect we are spewing onto others ends up splattering on us as well.
Trying to pause the interaction might help. Can you take a deep breath, maybe 4 or 5? Remind yourself you DO have choices – can you name one? What might that be? Can you say it out loud to yourself?
Wouldn’t it be nice instead to start respecting ourselves.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
|
April 30, 2021
Predatory Behavior, Bullying, Screaming and Smashing – Oh My
By Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / Zeferli
At the same time as the Rudin reporting, the New Orleans Times-Picayune, the Los Angeles Times and the New York Times was reporting on the sexual assault and rape allegations about Blake Bailey, the author of a recent biography of Phillip Roth. Almost as soon as the book was published this story broke, and it was taken out of print by publisher W.W.Norton.
The problem is more pervasive, more systemic and often more subtle than the more obvious sense of entitlement that exists and drives some people in powerful positions to blur, transgress and breach personal boundaries.
How do these experiences and messages affect your relationships now?
More on Power, Control and Authority from TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
March 31, 2021
My High School English Teacher and Me – Remembering Marcia Blacker
Elayne Savage, PhD
Helping Hand © Can Stock Photo / focalpoint
I knew immediately when the email arrived: it was to let me know she had died.
I haven’t been able to reach her in a long time and a couple of times I even checked obituaries in her town, Lexington KY, but couldn’t find anything.
This email was from her daughter Nancy Blacker, letting me know her mother, Marcia Blacker had passed away two years ago. She had just found my email address and wanted to make sure I knew.
And she wanted to let me know another sister, Mimi, read something at the funeral service that I had published in my first book about her mom.
Marcia Blacker was my Omaha Central High School Junior Year English teacher - who had reached out to me after my mother died. I learned later it was her first teaching job — and she was only a few years older than me.
Thirty years later I decided to search for her. We reconnected and stayed connected for 25 years! Marcia’s son David Blacker described my attempt to find her in his book for educators Dying to Teach.
Marcia called our re-connection ‘Our Story,’ always insisting someone should make a movie of it!
I originally published this piece several years ago,
OK Marcia, here again is 'Our Story’. . .
Honoring Marcia Blacker and The Immortality of Teachers
Elayne Savage, PhD
I don't remember much about my high school years. I was pretty much a mess after my mother and grandmother died.
I went through the motions of classes, friends, activities. And yet each day was a re-creation of the blur of the day before.
I felt alone and adrift and afraid.
Through the haze of those years I do remember occasionally people tried to reach out. I always pushed them away.
There was one person who stands out in her efforts to reach me. My Omaha Central High School junior year English teacher, Marcia Blacker.
I guess I was pretty disruptive in her class. Whispering to classmates, blurting out without raising my hand. All the acting out was mostly to get attention. "Please stay after class," she said one day. "I want to have a talk with you."
Groan. I plunked my belligerent self down in the chair next to her desk, expecting to be chewed out. But there was no lecture. Instead she asked, "Is everything OK at home? Is anything wrong?"
I was speechless. In fact, there was a lot wrong at home. But I couldn't bring myself to tell her about how miserable I was. How I was trying hold things together for my dad and my younger brother. How my dad sold his business and took a job traveling the state. How he hired a housekeeper to take care of us. How she would fly into a rage and bounce me from one wall to wall in the basement.
But somehow Marcia Blacker noticed something might have been amiss. She was the only adult who thought to ask me about what could be wrong.
The Creation of "Anna Franklin"
And another first: Marcia Blacker was the first person to encourage my writing. She entered one of my class stories in a city-wide contest. The story was about a child in an orphanage who yearned to be adopted. According to the rules of the contest, she assigned a pseudonym for judging purposes.
To this day, whenever I have to think fast to come up with an alias, I use the name she assigned me, "Anna Franklin" I remembered her kindnesses – and her love for Edgar Allan Poe. Yet, it was decades later before I fully understood how special this teacher was.
Permission to Act "Crazy" for a Day
When I was working on a PhD in Family Psychology, my 'Understanding Schizophrenia' course included spending the day on the grounds of a retreat. Lots of open space and grass and trees and fresh air.
We paired off and were to alternate with our partner in playing two roles: 'the patient' who could act crazy and do or say anything we wanted and the 'keeper' who made sure the 'patient' stayed safe.
The instructor, a Berkeley psychiatrist, was always nearby to keep an eye on things. To begin he passed out blank name tags, instructing us to choose a fictional name and age.
I found myself writing "Marcia – age 15."
For the next couple of hours, I was 15 year old "Marcia," experiencing overpowering adolescent emotions and scary thoughts. I was surprised how quickly I got to that dark place.
Later that night when I was writing up my experience, it began to making sense. I realized why I chose age 15. That's when I was struggling to hold things together. Looking back, I realized for the first time I was probably on the brink of breaking down.
Where did the name "Marcia" come from? And why did I spell it that way? Then I understood. I chose the name of my junior year high school English teacher, Marcia Blacker.
Isn't it amazing how the unconscious works! And I trusted myself to listen.
Searching For Marcia Blacker – and Trying to Find Myself
I knew I needed to find her, but where to start? I conferred with my instructor, the psychiatrist. He encouraged me to recall whatever details I could.
Luckily I remembered her husband was in medical school when she was teaching. I knew his name because years earlier he was a camp counselor.
My instructor suggested he'd be easy to find because he was a physician. When I located him in Texas he connected me with her. She was living in Lexington, KY.
I made a recording of my memories of those high school days. I told her how grateful I was for her concern. I tried to describe my state of mind back then,
I had to keep flipping off the tape recorder because I couldn't stop crying.
I had two burning questions for her. First, what prompted her to ask whether everything was OK at home? I needed to know what she might have noticed that led her to ask me about my life at home. Next I wanted to know what she remembered about me.
Clearly I had not only been searching for Marcia Blacker, but for myself as well. I was hoping for some answers to help fill in the blanks in my memory.
I was disappointed she didn't remember more about what led up to that after-class conversation. Interesting how Marcia and I have different memories of what happened that day in her classroom.
She remembers me “as a bright student." She can still see me – sitting next to her desk in my cheerleading outfit – white skirt, white sweater and purple 'C.'
"As I recall, I asked you to stay after class because I thought your "misbehavior" was so unusual there might be something wrong . . . I don't remember thinking it was necessarily a problem at home. I might have even thought you had a problem with me."
Interesting how I immediately had jumped to thinking she was wondering if there was something wrong at home.
True, she didn't remember as much about me as I had hoped she would. However seeking and finding her was the beginning of our incredible long-time friendship. When her son, educator Dr. David Blacker, published Dying to Teach: The Educator's Search for Immortality, a book for aspiring teachers, he included the transcript of the tape I sent her.
Thank goodness the tears were edited out. I didn't want anyone to see me so vulnerable.
The Enduring Legacy of Teachers
Clearly Marcia Blacker has had an amazing influence on her students. David collected some of these stories about her for his book.
Back in those days at Central High I was a kid and Marcia Blacker was a grown up. When I was in her English class she was freshly out of teacher’s college. Years later I loved discovering there were only 4 years difference in our ages!
True, she didn't remember me the way I had hoped she would, however seeking and finding her was the beginning of our incredible long-time friendship.
Can you imagine what a thrill it was when I was giving a book talk in Louisville, KY and she drove in from Lexington to hear me speak! The best part was introducing her to the audience as " I’d like you to meet my high school English teacher, Marcia Blacker, the first person to believe in my ability to write!”
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Both books are now available on Kindle!
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REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
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elayne@QueenofRejection.com
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February 28, 2021
Describing the Capitol Siege Like a Performance Piece
I had a powerful reaction listening to Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson using his questioning time at the Congressional insurrection hearing to read into the Congressional Record a first-person piece from the Federalist describing the march and storming of the Capitol.
I Saw Provocateurs At The Capitol Riot On Jan. 6
Sen. Johnson’s choice of passages made everything sound like a performance piece describing the “jovial, friendly, earnest demeanor of the great majority.”
Johnson read “families with small children; many were elderly, overweight, or just plain tired or frail—traits not typically attributed to the riot-prone. Some said they were police officers from around the country. Many wore pro-police shirts or carried pro-police ‘Back the Blue’ flags.”
The passages Johnson chose to read appear to place blame for most of the ‘trouble” at the Capitol on “agent-provocateurs and fake Tramp protesters.”
What a huge visceral reaction I had! I watched much of the storming of the Capitol that day. What I observed was far different than the select parts of the opinion piece that Ron Johnson chose to read into the Congressional Record.
I guess you could say I took it personally.
Johnson encourages everyone to read the entire article. When I did, my visceral reaction got much worse from these observations of the writer:
“Almost everyone seemed talkative and happy.”
“On the Senate lawn, the mood was more like an outdoor rock concert gone out of control. “
“A circus awaited us on the East Front of the Senate Wing. A semi-naked man in what looked like a fur caveman outfit, with a Braveheart-painted face and Viking horns, struck a weirdly heroic pose as people took pictures.”
There is much more to the article that Ron Johnson read only a small part of. The observer begins to become more aware of the anger of the group. “People were talking about how the Capitol had been invaded. A rumor spread that “the cops shot and killed a woman inside.”
The observer ends his piece with: “We didn’t know what to say or do. It didn’t seem real, but it was. The time was 3:32 p.m. We went home in silence. “
So Ron Johnson told a half story emphasizing the good spirits of the “diverse” crowd, and describing scenarios I knew from my own eyes were not true.
And it sounded to me Johnson was blaming the siege and desecration of the Capitol on a very small band of provocateurs.
That’s not what I saw: I saw many hundreds of folks charging the Capitol. Many with Trump banners, MAGA hats, white supremacist slogans, and even Confederate flags.
I saw them strike out at Capitol Police with flagpoles and use a barricade as a battering ram.
How did Ron Johnson miss all of this?
Clearly one of us is living in an alternate reality, and I felt he was telling me that his version was the only true reality.
I know exactly why I got so upset. This is exactly the kind of selective seeing and hearing I grew up with.
Everything Up is Down
Being in my family was like walking through the Looking Glass where "Everything Up is Down. Everything Down is Up." A surreal Wonderland-ish quality with a parallel universe, an alternate reality. And definitely crazy-making.
As the Cheshire Cat said, “We’re all crazy here.”
I remember how members of my family seemed to speak garbled sentences, not making much sense, discouraging any clarification yet expecting me to understand their meaning.
And yet there seemed to be an unspoken family rule against asking questions to clarify and define.
If you asked a question you most likely would not receive a straight answer. The subject was changed and the issue was skirted. You were expected to pretend you understood the meaning of a statement. Expected to play guessing games with each other because being specific was simply not okay.
Many years later when I was able to put words to it, I realized it was a combination of Vague Generalities, Concealment, Misrepresentations, Nonsense reasoning, Evasiveness, Deflections, Secrecy…. and Gaslighting – a total denial of my own observations and perceptions.
There was also the accompanying drama and chaos to distract from goings-on that really needed attention and clarification.
There were all kinds of confusing family rules and admonishments:
"you are imaging it,"
"no, you don't really think that,"
“you didn’t really have a nightmare..”
"that really didn't happen, It’s all in your mind "
"I didn't say that."
I didn’t really realize or understand any of this until I was in my mid 40’s and in my PhD program. I was introduced to the amazing work of R. D. Laing, a Scottish psychiatrist.
Laing observed communication styles in highly dysfunctional families.
OMG! This is My Family!"
As soon as I read his article, I recognized it. "OMG! This is my family!" I had never before seen our communication style described so aptly. And phrases and warnings I had not thought about for years came flooding back.
Laing calls this communication style 'mystification' . . . an attempt to "befuddle, cloud, obscure, mask" what is really going on.
These days this behavior is referred to as 'gaslighting.'
Connected to mystification is obfuscation - the willful concealment of meaning in communication, making it ambiguous, confusing and hard to interpret.
Interestingly, Laing's article begins with: "You can fool some of the people some of the time... "
I don't like being fooled. I don't like being lied to. And I especially don't like being told I'm imagining things.
Just like it did when I was a child, Ron Johnson's selective reading of the what he determined happened on Jan. 6 feels like I'm being force-fed these impressions. This behavior brings back uncomfortable childhood memories of manipulation and exploitation and reminds me how rejecting it feels when perceptions and feelings are invalidated.
Clearly I am still hugely affected when it feels like there is no room for my own perception.
Have you, too, had this experience in your early years or in the present?
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Note: The term ‘gaslighting’ comes from the 1940’s film Gaslight with Charles Boyer, Ingrid Bergman and Joseph Cotton, about a woman whose husband, in order to distract her from his criminal activities, manipulates her into questioning her perception of reality, He deliberately dims the gaslights in the house, and when his wife comments on it he tells her she’s “imagining it.“ She begins to believe she is going insane.
Gaslighting has become a popular term used to describe techniques now prevalent in The White House and Congress and I’ve blogged about it many times in the last 14 years.
Here are a few:
Until next month,
Elayne
Both books are now available on Kindle!
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REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
January 31, 2021
Traumatizing Experiences Can Bring On PTSD
© Can Stock Photo / arloo
Ever since January 6, with the invasion of the Capitol, I was finding myself dreading to hear the detailed stories from members of Congress describing their experiences of evacuating and going into hiding – on the floor and under tables.
And how they were afraid during all those hours that they were going to die.
And some had family members with them that day.
I felt sick to my stomach knowing that many of them would be having long-term effects from their traumatic experiences.
And I was also dreading it because I knew some of their stories would reawaken many of my own experiences of trauma and fear.
For decades, as a Child Protective Services Social Worker and a psychotherapist in private practice, I have heard stories from clients about experiencing life-threatening situations. Sometimes their own, and sometimes as a witness to situations of others.
And then, there are my own memories of fearful sometimes life-threatening situations.
With many of the stories I hear my own memories come flooding back – of all the times I thought I was going to die.
Memories and visceral reactions resurface when I hear stories of these kinds of traumas. I have come to expect that many of them will recreate the traumas I have experienced as a child and during my often dangerous job as a Social Worker in San Francisco.
I’m writing this to describe how easily events – even seemingly subtle ones – can be traumatizing — and might affect each of us in different ways. We all have different ways of processing and different degrees of resilience.
As a young child, being on the receiving end of someone’s repeated out-of-control rage takes a toll as learned years later.
A neighborhood bully tried to strangle me in the alley when I was little kid in DC. And this happened again a few years later in Omaha.
A Social Service client tried to strangle me when I was temporarily working in General Assistance, found she was already receiving checks from us and had to deny aid to her. She was pretty upset, walked behind my desk grabbed me by the throat and pushed me against the wall. I had just returned to work after having a baby. It took years to recover from that frightening experience. And it took me a while to figure out those early strangling attempts contributed to my distress.
And once when I was making home visits and stopped at a traffic light, someone fired into the rear window just behind my drivers seat. Another social worker was in the front seat. We never, ever talked about the incident.
Then there was the time in San Francisco when my car was hit from behind by a streetcar — right into the path if an oncoming streetcar which thankfully was able to stop 3 or 4 feet from me. In those few moments I thought I was going to die.
Several decades later I was broadsided by someone who ran a light. As I watched the car coming at me, once again I thought I was going to die. It took me a while to figure out this was surely a post–traumatic response to the streetcar experience.
For months after that accident I started shaking very time I saw a car insurance ad on TV – complete with crash sounds. It took a while for me to realize my frightening streetcar experience of all those years ago was affecting my reaction to being broadsided.
I decided to do something about it!
EMDR
I knew that Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) would be helpful in dealing with the neural pathways because I had trained in it 3 decades ago.
EFT
I wanted to try something new so I choose to try using the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) and my doctor referred me to a practitioner. It took one only session for me to learn to calm the anxiety that arose from the sights and sounds of the TV car crashes and other loud noises.
And of course, as a psychotherapist, I know how helpful it is to talk to someone knowledgeable about trauma.
Here’s what was happening in my brain
The brain takes snapshots and encodes certain aspects of what is happening in the moment. And the stress hormones come into play. Adrenaline, norepinephrine and cortisol are activated by the amygdala and result in fight, flight or freeze reactions.
These central (survival) details are imprinted, encoded and put into life-long storage in the neural pathway. Each new fear-inducing traumatic situation can bring on a kind of PTSD - with renewed spurts of the stress hormones during a new experience, often repeating over the course of our lives.
Many times we don’t even exactly know what sets it off, but there it is.
According to neuroscience the human brain processes, files and stores memories that are linked to strong emotions. The amygdala is the processing center for emotional responses. During a traumatic event it screens the information you take in by your five senses – sounds, smells, sights, tastes, touch.
When certain powerful memories are triggered by a specific cue there may be an emotional or body reaction – a visceral reaction. Often we don’t realize what prompts us to get so upset and upon reflection it turns out to be some kind of stored memory. A ticking clock, the taste or smell of certain food, your fingertips touching something.
Here’s the puzzling part for many of us: while certain aspects of the trauma are imprinted on our brain often for the rest of our lives, other aspects may be fuzzy or not remembered at all.
We tend to remember the essential, central, survival details, and the peripheral details get filtered out by the brain’s filing system – the hippocampus.
Recently there has been a distinction between PTSD and CPTSD which means Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.
What is PTSD? What is Complex PTSD?
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) - Symptoms and causes ...
www.mayoclinic.org › symptoms-causes › syc-20355967
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition triggered by a terrifying event, causing flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety.
The event can be witnessed rather then personally experience.
CPTSD results from repeated trauma over months or years, rather than a single event..
It can be the same situation repeated or a series of terrifying experiences.
More on PTSD and CPTSD:
https://www.healthline.com/health/cptsd
More about How Trauma Affects Memory:
https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2018/09/28/652524372/how-trauma-affects-memory-scientists-weigh-in-on-the-kavanaugh-hearing
https://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-the-relationship-between-the-amygdala-and-hippocampus.htm
How Memories Are Affected by Anniversary Reactions:
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/matthew-d-erlich-md/grief_b_1164254.html
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2013/08/my-mother-my-daughter-myself-and-a-powerful-anniversary-reaction.html
About the Difference Between Central vs. Peripheral Memory Details
https://beta.nbcnews.com/think/opinion/christine-blasey-ford-s-memories-brett-kavanaugh-are-30-years-ncna913511
Another type of trauma which we so often don't recognize as PTSD, is the loss of someone. This is especially true if we lose a parent or grandparent when we are children or young adults. Even more devastating if we are not supported in grieving the death.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
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REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
January 01, 2021
And on to Another Year . . .
I just reread it and I’m remembering how I felt so full of hope as I wrote this blog.
Wishing you a New Year full of Light, Hope, Resilience, Security and Peace . . .
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
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REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
November 29, 2020
#DiaperDon is Back…So Who Will Clean Up Trump’s Big Mess?
Illustration by Barbara Dale. © Dale Enterprises, Inc.
Over 3 years ago, I blogged about what a big mess our president was making.
To help visualize my original So Who Will Clean Up Trump’s Big Mess? blog, I asked renowned illustrator Barbara Dale to show Donald in diapers while acting out.
Back then I compared the behavior of our President with that of a toddler.
Confusion Between Fact and Fantasy, Truth and Fiction
Toddlers see themselves as the center of their universe – very me - me - me oriented with no ability to see another person’s perspective.
Related to this egocentrism is magical thinking, the belief that one’s own thoughts, wishes, or desires can influence the external world.
Young children live midway between the world of magic and the world of reality. Children from ages 3 to 7 create imaginary worlds in their play. Sometimes they’re not clear where their creations leave off and the real world begins.
In Don’t Take It Personally! I quote one of my favorite descriptions of the magic world of children in The Magic Years by one of my teachers, Selma Fraiberg:
“In the fantastic world of a two-year-old, all things are possible … Fact and fantasy are confused because they’re fused together in the child’s mind, and their thinking style is dominated by fantasies and wishes.”
Children usually outgrow magical thinking by the age of 6 or 7, yet some never quite outgrow this confusion between truth and fiction, continuing to stretch the truth when they are grown ups.
Why? To get attention. To impress. To avoid trouble. To avoid conflict. To cover tracks. To shift blame.
Unfortunately others tend to see this behavior as deceitful and untrustworthy. Especially when there is out-of -control- non-stop lying.
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/325982#what-is-pathological-lying
Fraiberg makes the point that “The child feels he or she is the center of the world, believing that wishful thinking will make things happen . . .
The Poster Child for Taking Things Personally
For years I’ve been blogging about our President’s childlike ways of dealing with conflict, criticism and perceived rejection.
I call him the Poster Child for taking things personally and lashing out: blaming, insulting, bullying , shaming, attacking, putting down, fuming, brooding and retaliating.
And as we’ve seen, if a cabinet member or federal civil servant dares to disagree with him, that person would be fired. Reminiscent of the Queen of Hearts in Wonderland: “Off with their heads!”
https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/lashing-out/
Chaos and Unpredictability
The Trump White House is often described by staff as “Chaotic.”
– steady barrages of unpredictability, impulsivity, changeableness, inconsistency, unreliability, volatility
– bickering, accusations and high drama
– personal, vindictive attacks and distrust
– bullying and name-calling
– blatant lying, exaggerations and distortions
– boundarylessness
– illogical thinking and flawed judgment
– fuzzy and confused communication
– self-justification and needing to make the other person ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’
– blaming others for own missteps, never acknowledging responsibility or apologizing for making a mistake
– crazy-making “you’re imagining it” repeated denials of what we know we have heard and seen. This is often referred to as 'gaslighting.'
– deflecting by veering into irrelevant asides
– making and taking back statements, promises and threats.
Much of this behavior is very immature and shows up in frequent tantrums.
The President’s recent press conference response to Reuters reporter Jeff Mason’s query showed how infantile he can be:
“Don’t talk to me that way. You’re just a lightweight...I’m the president of the United States. Don’t ever talk to the president that way.”
This was the same press conference where he was seated at a miniscule desk which reminded me of Back to School Night when parents try to squeeze their large frames into the tiny desks of their second grade children!
What could he have been thinking to invite such mockery by sitting his large frame down at that tiny table?
It’s a question I often ask myself: What could he be thinking when he launches relentless retaliatory attacks against one-time allies who he believes betrayed him by questioning his ideas or decisions. No one is exempt: cabinet members, judiciary, civil servants, heads of government agencies, members of Congress, our national institutions, and always, the media.
How Could Trump Retaliate? Let Me Count the Ways
Ever since President Trump has contested the November 3rd election of Joe Biden I have been asking myself this question: If our President decided to retaliate for this loss, how might he ‘get back’ at the millions of voters he feels are disloyal and betrayed him by voting for Joe Biden and how he will punish President-Elect Biden for winning?
My answer is unsettling: I see him starting a war while thinking, “That will show them – they’ll all be really, really sorry.”
I have shared my fears with close friends and family: that our President will feel so betrayed by millions of voters that he will retaliate by attempting to start a war that Joe Biden will have to deal with. There are lots of big messes he is leaving for the Biden Administration, a war would be just one more.
The most likely country for Trump to attack would be Iran.
I read in Reuters that Trump had recently asked his top National Security advisors “for options for attacking Iran but they disagreed, and he held off.”
https://mobile.reuters.com/article/amp/idUSKBN27X026
And I also read on NPR how “Pompeo's Latest Israel Trip Could Have Implications For Biden's Presidency”
https://www.npr.org/2020/11/20/936973301/pompeos-latest-israel-trip-could-have-implications-for-bidens-presidency
And again in Forbes:
“The Israeli Military Braces For Possible Trump Iran Strike In Final Days Of Presidency”
https://www.forbes.com/sites/jackbrewster/2020/11/25/report-israeli-military-braces-for-possibility-trump-attacks-iran-in-final-days-of-presidency/amp/
And what about the assassination last week of Iran’s top nuclear scientist? The Iranians are blaming it on Israel and interestingly enough the assassination happened just after Pompeo’s Israeli visit described by BBC: “Secretary Pompeo made clear that the Trump administration's top Middle East priority is to counter Iran, to stop its "wave of regional destruction and global campaign of terror".
https://www.bbc.com/news/amp/world-us-canada-46908510
And now from the Washington Post:
“Iraq fears Trump’s final weeks could see confrontation between U.S. and Iran”
Can our President, while in the middle of throwing a barrage of election fraud tantrums, be capable of making logical decisions regarding our national security should a sudden conflict arise with Iran?
When I blogged about President Trump’s messes 3 years ago, I didn’t imagine it could come to this: making such a big mess for his successor and for the American people!
And yet four years ago in 2016, a group of veteran psychotherapists put out a Therapists Manifesto as a blatant warning but no one listened!
Many thanks to my brother, Lee Raskin for his astute contributions . . .
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
amzn.to/2bAHmIL
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
October 31, 2020
What Do I Need to Feel Safe and to Be Safe?
By Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / artinspiring
Seems like lately conversations, emails and texts end with “Be Safe.” Have you noticed this too? I’m trying to figure out what it takes for me feel safe. And wondering if feeling safe is the same thing as actually being safe?
The recent threatening wildfires are bringing back memories of 30 years ago when a wildfire that started near me was fueled by strong winds and burned thousands of homes killing 25 people and quite s few animals.
https://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/fire-sweeps-through-oakland-hills
I’ve lived here almost 50 years and experienced lots of Red Flag warnings.
But this year it is different.
Wildfire threats seem to be commanding more attention than usual and I’ve been coming face to face with renewed considerations of safety with each warning. I’ve been carefully considering my choices and opting for the safest path.
Every time we get a warning email, text or phone call, there has been a caveat: warning us not to count on driving our cars down the narrow, winding streets. “Plan to walk the 1 1/2 miles down the hill. And if your health is compromised and prevents you from walking down, consider evacuating early.”
So since the end of August my cat Josie and I have evacuated 7 times in two months! Mostly because I want us to feel safe. We have gone to pet friendly motels (she loves La Quinta!) or to stay with my college friend, Bette and her Treeing Walker Coon Hound who has been determined to befriend Josie but is consistently rejected. Josie has been a really good sport about the upheavals, and I am trying hard to be.
Yes I am exhausted from it all - especially packing and unpacking and repacking the car. Oh yes, then there is the emotional exhaustion. Whernkever I am I still keep teletherapy appointments with clients and try hard to answer correspondence.
This last warning was the most threatening: The National Weather Service expected winds up to 40 miles per hour and wind gusts up to 70 mph. Surely uprooted trees and large falleno limbs could block traffic on our narrow roads. O
This time the Mayor of Berkeley wrote: “We encourage hills residents to consider preemptively evacuating to the homes of friends, family or to hotels until dangerous weather subsides. They even sent out a list of motels offering discounts for pre-emptive evacuees. And lots of us did just that.
Luckily the dangerously high winds never did materialize. The next day on the neighborhood listserve some folks blamed the mayor for unnecessary alarmist fear mongering and berated those of us who evacuated for “living in fear.”
Actually I think of it as living in reality and carefully assessing and reassessing what it would take for me to feel safe and be safe. This was not a time for me to try to puff myself up in order to appear fearless. That’s an old familiar role for me and this was not a good time for a repeat.
With the advent of the pandemic safety measures have been part of the mind set of most of us. Measures that we never dreamed of absorbing into our daily lives: masks, constant hand washing, safe distances and the hardest of all: respecting what others need in order for them to feel safe even though we may not believe in that safety measure for ourselves.
Amanda Mull in The Atlantic writes about the difference between feeling safe and being safe:
“Safety is among the most powerful motivators of human behavior, which also makes the drive to feel safe a potent accelerant for confusion, disinformation, and panic. Staying safe requires an accurate, mutually agreed-upon understanding of reality on which to assess threats and base decisions.”
She goes on to explain: “To understand how humans think about safety, you have to understand how they think about fear. To be safe, people need to be free from the threat of physical or mental harm. But to feel safe, people need to be free from the perception of potential harm, confident that they understand what the likeliest threats are and that they are capable of avoiding them. Whether their perception is accurate is often incidental, at best, to the feeling itself.”
You are most likely aware how fear elicits primitive fight-flight-or freeze responses. It’s hard to recognize that in the face of danger we do have choices. We can be pro-active in our thinking and actions to deal in the best possible way for us to feel safe.
Here is the full article from The Atlantic:
https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2020/10/pandemic-safety-america/616858/
So I keep checking in with myself: ‘What do I need to feel safe? And what do I need to be safe?’
Last month I looked at a bit different aspect of all this:
Needing Comfort and Reassurance – Getting Chaos and Fear Instead
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: http//www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
September 30, 2020
Needing Comfort and Reassurance – Getting Chaos and Fear Instead
By Elayne Savage, PhD
I live in fire-ravaged California. As you can imagine, life for many of us has been pretty chaotic.
This has been such an unsettling and scary time for most of us: massive uncertainty about Covid, the devastated economy, loss of our treasured routines and the accompanying stress and depression. And now for some of us, natural disasters and the out-of-control wildfires.
So three times in the last month my high altitude neighborhood received Red Flag fire warnings to be ready to evacuate because of the drought, lightening strikes and high winds.
(Addendum: a day after I wrote this, a 4th evacuation!)
Then city officials tossed in another warning: trying to escape a wildfire, we may not be able to drive the two miles down our narrow winding roads. They suggest we plan on walking.
Me? At my age with ever-present back and rib pain? Walk 2 miles carrying the cat and a Go-bag?
So what to do?
My daughter Jocelyn and my brother Lee supported the idea of getting a pet-friendly motel room. So we did.
Again, a week later, we evacuated to different pet-friendly motel. Then the two latest times my good friend, my long-ago college roommate Bette invited us to stay with her in a nearby town.
After the second evacuation we returned home to a dying refrigerator, although I guess you could say the new one I ordered sight unseen is comforting –– in a way.
For a month chaos and uncertainty abounded – permeating every pore, just like the tainted air we are trying to breathe. And we’re not even into our normal fire season yet.
So when the extended Red Flag warning ended, the cat and I returned home in time to watch the presidential debate. Big mistake. It brought more chaos, distress, turmoil and uncertainty when I was craving assurances, balance, security and comforting.
The wreckage I witnessed during this debate was all too similar to the devastation of nearby homes and properties.
And the extreme bullying brought back childhood experiences of mean-spirited name-calling, religious taunting and the times neighborhood boys threatened me in the alley behind my house.
When I’m around bullying behavior my reaction is visceral - the queasy, scary, yucky feeling that is connected to these disquieting childhood memories and makes me want to pull the covers over my head. Or throw up.
And that feeling sure took over during the debate!
The Imprint of Early Experiences
Over the years I’ve heard many similar descriptions from therapy and workplace clients about how unwelcome memories of childhood chaos come tumbling in and they feel re-traumatized whenever they observe these behaviors:
- steady barrages of unpredictability, impulsivity, changeableness, inconsistency, unreliability, volatility
- bickering, accusations and high drama
- personal, vindictive attacks and distrust
- bullying and name-calling
- blatant lying, exaggerations and distortions
- boundarylessness
- illogical thinking and flawed judgment
- fuzzy and confused communication
- self-justification and needing to make the other person ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’
- blaming others for own missteps, never acknowledging responsibility or apologizing for making a mistake
- crazy-making “you’re imagining it” repeated denials of what we know we have heard and seen –– often referred to as ‘gaslighting’
- deflecting by veering into irrelevant asides
- making and taking back statements
From ‘The Scariness of Unpredictability’
And the constant interrupting was especially unsettling to many, reminding them of not being listened to or heard – feeling dismissed – both in childhood and in their workplace and personal relationships.
The Master of Distractions and Deflections
And the interruptions lead to another observation: how President Trump's Mastery of Distraction and Deflection was on full display.
Seems to me the never-ending interruptions and cross-talk was a very successful attempt to deflect the questions and the issues.
We never got to know if President Trump could answer the questions because he didn’t have to make an attempt when he deflected by talking over Chris Wallace. And by talking over Joe Biden and not letting him finish his answers, President Trump was able to keep him from appearing knowledgeable. Very clever!
Journalists and editorial boards also offered opinions about these behaviors:
From the USA Today Editorial Board:
“As for Trump, he was nothing short of a horror show. He apparently didn’t get the memo about trying to expand his appeal. For months, he has seen his mission as turning out his core supporters and tearing down his Democratic opponent, attacking Biden as corrupt, a puppet of the far left and mentally incompetent.
Trump came in to Cleveland thinking that his job was talk over Biden whenever the former vice president was speaking. The effect was like an adolescent bully in a lunchroom cafeteria harassing people just to draw attention to himself. His outbursts were studded with nonsensical statistics and outright lies.”
“This was not the presidential debate that Trump needed to catch up with poll-leading Biden. More important, it was not the kind of debate that reassures America about the fate of its troubled democracy.”
https://amp.usatoday.com/amp/3580566001
From USA Today Opinion:
“If you’re a Trump supporter, you loved his obnoxious, bullying, in-your-face style. He bulldozed over Wallace, and frequently shoved Biden around verbally. Never mind that the president spewed countless distortions and bald-faced lies on a variety of topics. We’re in a post-truth, alternative facts world, where people can believe, if they choose to do so, that the sun rises in the West and sets in the East.
If you’re a Biden supporter, you loved how he laughed openly at Trump, how he told him to “stop yapping,” and how "everything he says is a lie… everyone knows he’s a liar.”
If you want to know what a second Trump term would be like, you saw it last night: Delusional, thoroughly dishonest, bullying and unable to tolerate dissent.“
https://amp.usatoday.com/amp/3571979001
And some fact-checking from USA Today:
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2020/09/30/debate-fact-check-biden-trump-covid-19-law-enforcement-more/3585342001/
Craving Comforting
I badly was needing some reassurance after my evacuation ordeals. I am grateful for the few moments Joe Biden spoke directly to viewers and in the midst of the chaos and disruption, trying to reassure. Unfortunately, the bullying by the president overshadowed any feeling of security Biden’s efforts might have allowed.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Did you watch the debate? Did you, too, have strong reactions, even on a visceral level?
Would you share your impressions?
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
August 31, 2020
Gaslighting –– the Ultimate Alternate Reality
By Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / artursz
Misrepresented or untrue statements from both Conventions have been really difficult for me to hear. It feels like a punch to the gut and is totally crazy-making.
My stomach knots up as I remember my childhood confusion in trying so hard to distinguish what is truth and what is made up. And trying to figure out if I really did hear or see something and being told ‘“You’re imagining it. it’s all in your head!”
Hearing days of lies and misstatements and exaggerations and distortions and hypocrisy during this especially savage campaigning brings on a full-fledged case of PTSD for me.
“You’re imagining it!”
“You didn’t hear me say that.”
“You must have misunderstood.”
“No, that’s not what you saw!”
‘It’s all in your head.”
“What are you, crazy?”
Everything Up is Down
Being in my family was like walking through the Looking Glass where "Everything Up is Down. Everything Down is Up." A surreal Wonderland-ish quality with a parallel universe, an alternate reality. And definitely crazy-making.
I remember how members of my family seemed to speak gibberish, not making much sense, discouraging any clarification yet expecting me to understand their meaning.
And yet there seemed to be an unspoken family rule against asking questions to clarify and define.
Many years later when I was able to put words to it, I realized it was a combination of vague generalities, nonsense reasoning, evasiveness and deflections. AND a total denial of my observations and perceptions.
Then there was the accompanying drama and chaos to distract from goings-on that really needed attention and clarification.
When I Was a Kid I Hated Being Lied To –– And I Hate It Now Too
I guess I've always been overly sensitive to untruths and half-truths. I was especially sensitive to lying even as a young child. I was probably about 3 or 4 and remember asking my dad about the wall calendar hanging above my grandmother's telephone. It was a picture of a large animal standing in water. I asked him what the animal was. He made up an answer. I guess that was easier for him than saying he didn't know. But it wasn't easier for me.
I never quite forgave my father for lying to me. I think that was the first time I gave myself the message that I wasn't worth respecting with the truth. There were many such self-deprecating messages over the years.
"You Can Fool Some of the People Some of the Time . . ."
For me, the most surreal, uncomfortable and confusing part of this whole election drama are the repeated denials of present and previous statements and actions.
Denial is becoming so rampant that I'm beginning to doubt my own eyes and ears. It feels like they are telling me I didn't see it or I didn't hear it.
It reminds me of growing up experiences when it felt someone was pulling the wool over my eyes. But I still watched Trust deteriorate.
Perhaps some of you grew up with these kinds of denials as well: "That didn't happen. You must have made it up." "I didn't say that." You really didn't have a nightmare, you're imagining it."
Scottish psychiatrist, R.D. Laing calls this 'mystification.' He describes it as a 'manipulative maneuver,' an attempt to "befuddle, cloud, obscure, mask" whatever is going on.
The child's feelings are denied and the child begins to mistrust his or her own perceptions. This inability to distinguish the actual issues can feel confusing, and even 'crazy making.' Especially when someone discounts your and makes you feel bad and wrong to have your own ideas about what really happened.
Laing's article begins: "You can fool some of the people some of the time . . . ."
I don't like being fooled.
It brings back uncomfortable childhood memories of manipulation and exploitation. It certainly brings up old feelings of rejection. And all too often for most of us, the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult.
Connected to mystification is obfuscation - the willful concealment of meaning in communication, making it ambiguous, confusing and hard to interpret.
These days these behaviors are referred to as ‘gaslighting.’
Whenever I’m exposed to gaslighting I feel like a child again, –– confused, befuddled and finding myself mistrusting my own perceptions. And learning to mistrust others.
Even more crazy-making is psychological projection – when one person blames the other for their own unacceptable behavior, undesirable thoughts and feelings, or their own limitations. They may be projecting onto you their own dark side, their own blind spots,
We see it in campaigning all the time: in the form of accusations made by one camp about the other. Accusations about voter fraud, health care plans, tax plans, the economic crisis, negative ads. And now they can blame each other about covid and protests.
In the January 2008 issue of 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® I wrote: "I don’t believe I’ve ever experienced political campaigning where there have been so many personal attacks. The ante gets upped and the bitterness grows each day.”
I continued: "It would be difficult not to take things personally in this campaign. One personal affront after another is hurled through space. Not exactly 'Ready. Aim. Fire.' More like 'Ready. Fire. Aim.'
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2008/01/index.html
And I wrote that almost 13 years ago!
Back when I wrote those words I didn't dream how much the viciousness of personal attacks would escalate.
It's really getting to me. Every day I feel increasingly contaminated by the negative energy of it. I hate the way it has been affecting my interactions with others . . . and with myself.
'These last weeks there are lots of rejecting behavior: Mocking. Belittling. Scoffing. Criticizing. Slighting. Insulting. Faulting. Deceiving. Accusing. Attacking.
Then of course there are the whole range of "diss" words that I often write about: disrespecting, disdaining, dismissing, discounting, disparaging, disenfranchising dozens of others.
The common denominator of these words is rejection. And the opposite of disrespect of course is respect and sadly it seems to be missing.
And Exploitation, Too
I was stunned to see newly naturalized citizens showcased by President Trump as he presided over a White House ceremony – I guess to show his pro-Immigrant sentiment. They apparently were not notified that the videos were going to be used during the RNC programming. Not very respectful, was it?
The folks invited to speak about their concerns regarding the city’s housing authority, but that they were never told the video would be part of the Convention. Not very respectful, was it?
I’ve been interviewed many times on tape and video and my experience is that usually releases are signed to set forth the terms and conditions in which the people in the video agree to participate.
I’m particularly sensitive to exploitation from my own life and all the years I have worked with exploited children and adults as a social worker and in private practice.
Hmmmm. This exposure without informed consent sure feels a lot like exploitation to me.
The Trickle-Down Effect
When I'm feeling affected by what the world is tossing at me, it helps to remember the concept of 'isomorphism.' You may know the concept as 'Parallel Process.'
You’ve probably noticed how images in television commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example, a human face will change into a lion’s face or an antelope will transform into a car— right before your eyes.
Well, this is what happens with some interactions as well. One process takes on the same properties as another. One contextual experience that may be old may be replicated by another experience in the present. Or two present-day situations may be similar to each other. It is a mirroring of one situation by another. A reflection of one by the other.
We pick up the energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it.
This is “isomorphism,” as we watch the character and temperament of one
candidate trickle down to staff and electorate. From one context to another.
And it seems to be trickling down to some of us as well –– I’m noticing how I am becoming more snippy, snarky, impatient and short-tempered. You too?
There is something contagious about this kind of toxic behavior. Could it be that many of us of catching the disrespect virus that keeps popping up all around us?
This election is so chock-full of lies, half-truths, evasiveness and exaggerations. I’ve been finding myself checking things out every day with Find AP Fact Checks at http://apnews.com/APFactCheck
And yes, it is validating many of my perceptions.
© Can Stock Photo / artursz
I spent a couple of hours reading about both the DNC and RNC conventions on various Fact Check sites, Seems to me the Associated Press site is one of the most neutral so I'm quoting from it . . .
According to AP Fact Checks:
“Joe Biden and fellow Democrats spun an assortment of facts to their benefit in their national convention, omitting inconvenient truths such as Barack Obama’s record of aggressive deportations and swift action by a Republican president to save the auto industry more than a decade ago.”
Another example: “Michelle Obama assailed President Donald Trump on Monday for ripping migrant children from their parents and throwing them into cages, picking up on a frequent and distorted point made widely by Democrats.
She’s right that Trump’s now-suspended policy at the U.S.-Mexico border separated thousands of children from their families in ways that had not been done before. But what she did not say is that the very same “cages” were built and used in her husband’s administration, for the same purpose of holding migrant kids temporarily.”
“Meantime President Donald Trump flooded the zone with falsehoods, some so apparent that anyone with access to the internet could see the folly of them at a glance”.
Some examples: “President Trump claimed accomplishments he didn’t earn on the pandemic, energy and veterans at a Republican convention finale that also heard Black Lives Matter baselessly accused of coordinating violent protests across the country.”
“Vice President Mike Pence and fellow Republicans pressed a distorted case Wednesday that President Donald Trump took over a moribund economy from Barack Obama and supercharged it. That’s not what happened.”
“Speakers at the Republican National Convention also hailed Trump for protecting the health insurance of people with preexisting illness, flipping reality on its head as his administration tries to overturn the law that guarantees those protections.”
“A St. Louis lawyer featured during the Republican National Convention falsely claimed that Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden and his party want to ‘abolish the suburbs altogether by ending single-family home zoning.’”
“Biden does not propose banishing single-family homes. Nor would he get rid of the suburbs. “
Curious? Here are the links:
AP FACT CHECK: What the Dems didn't say, and what Trump did
https://apnews.com/e86b701ff234ec507f8e4059547a680b
AP FACT CHECK: Michelle Obama and the kids in ‘cages’
https://apnews.com/2663c84832a13cdd7a8233becfc7a5f3
AP FACT CHECK: Is US great again or dystopian? GOP says both
https://apnews.com/eebf6a1f6ce79cfc00456f27e8e928f7AP FACT
AP FACT CHECK: Trump distorts record; BLM falsely accused
https://apnews.com/699e0c893bfbd986cea11b6f403beb3e
AP FACT CHECK: GOP taps distortions to heap praise on Trump
https://apnews.com/7c6c47ba0bef4fb26ca667e4ea15e131
AP FACT CHECK: Biden’s stance on suburbs twisted at RNC
https://apnews.com/c38a662b153d953ab9fefa9d13ac4784
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Would really like to hear from you about your experience with all of this.
Stay safe out there . . .
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
July 31, 2020
Making Someone Bad and Wrong
© Can Stock Photo / Sangoiri
Discrediting
Discounting
Slighting
Criticizing
Dismissing
Faulting
Undermining
Shaming
Smearing
Scorning
Revisiting Childhood Messages
Let’s take a look at the concept of “good” and “bad” within families. In some families one child appears to be designated as the “good” one, while another child is thought of as “bad.”
Let’s talk about other ways we protect ourselves from the hurt of rejection.
Sometimes perceived slights morph into perceived enemies when we become suspicious of others' intentions.
"This is not about me. This is most likely about the other person and they are probably talking about themselves. What might they be saying?“
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
June 30, 2020
Screaming in the Car Wash
By Elayne Savage, PhD
The other day when nothing was going right I felt like I just needed to scream. So I headed to the car wash.
I’ve done this maybe two times over the years, but not in a long, long time.
I let out long, loud scream as my car was going through. It felt great!
Some folks run hard and feel a great release.
Some folks get relief by screaming into a pillow.
I’ve heard about to punching a pillow. Or even pounding a pillow with a baseball bat.
I opted for the car wash.
What brought me to this point was waking up to no wi-fi and no email. Both died over night – completely unrelated to each other!
I realized I had missed my GoDaddy deadline to renew my Outlook email account. Unlfortunately I had trusted their reminder that I had another week. Apparently not true and they stopped my emails.
The wi-fi decided on its own accord to stop working. Comcast and I restarted it with a new password.
But wait, there’s more: my CrashPlan cloud backup hadn’t been working and after contact with the help desk and many many many attempts at uninstalls and re-installs it still wasn’t working when everything else stopped that dreadful morning.
I was of course already feeling incredibly isolated from the world while sheltering in place since
mid-March. The thought of NO contact from my computer was more than I could bear.
And I completely lost it.
Bleary-eyed and Exhausted
My work with therapy clients these days focuses on helping to navigate fears and uncertainties. This means long, blurry-eyed hours at the computer because we are seeing everyone remotely now.
I really miss the energy that used to be in the room when we were working face-to- face.
And seeing couples and families online takes a heap of concentration. I actually had been mostly using my iphone for these sessions while my laptop had been in and out of the shop for repair for two weeks.
Every colleague I talk to describes being absolutely exhausted at the end of each day.
Seems like every week on my list-serves there are announcements of new support groups forming for therapists!
You might say these changes have been taking a toll on us therapists.
For many decades as a Social Worker and as a therapist in private practice I’ve helped clients meet their challenges of extreme stress, anxiety and depression. Over the years I’ve offered some guidance and ideas on dealing. And together we would conjure up ways for calming the stress and releasing pent up energy.
And yes, I have in fact many times suggested the screaming-in-the-car-wash idea.
Here are a few that might be useful during the anxieties and constraints of the pandemic.
Ways for Calming Stress and Releasing Pent Up Energy
Putting words to it – writing thoughts down and reading it to yourself out loud. Yes, out loud makes it more powerful –– try it!
I've started doing yoga again via weekly Zoom instruction . . . and I love it. I'm reminded to do the alternate nostril breathing I learned many years ago. I'd forgotten how calming it can be!
Create a daily routine that involves movement, and when possible, exposure to natural light.
Physical exercise is great – running, hiking, online exercise videos or Zoom classes and even dancing around the room. Have you tried taking a walk and breathing in the surrounding colors?
What about picking up some take-out including little treats and picnicking in a park, or a friend's garden, where you can stay a safe distance and enjoy in the air and sunshine.
Staying connected during this isolating time helps a lot. Think about a person who connection feels important. Ask yourself exactly how you know you were feeling connected to that person. What would work best for you . . . and for them?
https://store.samhsa.gov/sites/default/files/d7/priv/sma14-4893.pdf
A few months ago I blogged about Coping with Uncertainty, Isolation and Empty Space
and there are a few ideas there as well.
So there are quite a few self-care options to choose from.Try Googling 'self-care during the pandemic.'
And on that morning I was so upset, I chose screaming in the car wash. It felt terrific!
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
May 31, 2020
Outbursts of Outrage – Where Is This Hateful Anger Coming From?
By Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / PixelsAway
These are scary times for sure. Here we are, surrounded by contagion, illness and death. So many are losing their jobs or their businesses and their health insurance too. Safety and security are becoming non-existent for many of us.
And then comes the horrific death of George Floyd when a Minneapolis policeman held a knee to his throat for 8 minutes while three other officers stood by, watching him plead, "I can't breathe."
Fox newscasters describe it this way:
The “egregious”’torture of George Floyd ––Geraldo Rivera
“I can’t find a way to justify it.” ––Rush Limbaugh
“This man who put his knee on the neck of George Floyd does not deserve to be free in this country.” ––Jeanine Pirro
And now many are taking to the streets in city after city: protesting this needless death. And sometimes peaceful protests erupt into riots and looting and spray painting graffiti on some buildings and torching others.
Sometimes protests lead to arrests and brutality and injuries . . . and deaths.
I just received an email from David Libby a long-time acquaintance, reaching out to try to figure out how we can stop people from hating.
Hi Elayne,
How we can stop people from hating!
I'm not African American, but one day when I was working with an African American he pulled me aside and told me someone we know is an @sshole because he is a Jew.
What? How does a person whose race has been hated upon be hateful?
I grew up in a hateful house - so hateful that I used to call my Dad and Mom, "Archie and Edith" - one of the very few times my Dad would wholeheartedly yell at me to stop.
Even more surprising, I didn't grow up to be hateful, I don't think. Though, I do hate racist people. Hate is probably even too strong or the wrong word. I don't like how they were taught to think. That's it, right? We're not born racists, are we? It is learned. I don't know.
I'm so surprised that so many of my white friends are saying on social media that #BlackLivesMatter but none of my black friends are. And, with all of the time people are taking to write what they think, hardly anyone is writing saying what they are doing to help African Americans, if there is anything they can do, which I don't know.
David
I’ve been asking myself some of the same questions. Where do these kinds of hateful ideas and words come from?
Are they based on the Archie and Edith examples that David describes?
I’ve heard from many colleagues, friends and clients that they, too grew up with these kinds of biased, bigoted messages.
Are hateful actions by grownups based on their own childhood traumatic experiences when a parent's out-of-control anger turned into rage?
Could our own rage be learned behavior? Are we finding ourselves 'becoming' our rage-full parent?
Blog: A Spanking or Beating or Whipping or Whuppin?
Are hateful actions by grownups based on their own childhood experiences of being shamed and bullied?
Does this breed the desire to do the same diminishing/scapegoating behavior to someone else –– especially to ‘the other.’
When we're feeling vulnerable, or scared, or hurting, we often tend to protect ourselves by taking a tough stance. We puff ourselves up and even engage in aggressive behaviors, acting out our rage. We are most likely retaliating against all the bullies from our childhood. We may want to ‘get back’ at the person or group who did the victimizing and victimize them.
Does it feel empowering to humiliate and bully others through violent, brutal acts?
Are these acts based in anger? Or is it rage? I call rage “Anger with a History.” Rage is an emotion beyond the experience of anger. Where anger reflects something happening in the present, and reflects ‘now’ feelings, rage reflects overwhelming feelings from the past which intrude into the present situation.
And what does it take for this anger to turn into rage-filled violence?
These negative events collect in our memory. Before we know it, we are overreacting and feeling out-of-control.
Old injustices stockpile into a repository of rage, just waiting to be disgorged. When a similar event happens in the present, the stockpile ignites and you are having an intense reaction against those past injustices.
Might fear be the under-belly of it all?
Is it fear that is leading to these blatant acts of demonstrating power by torching buildings and smashing glass. Actually when I think of the sound of glass being smashed, it has the ring of a powerful act.
More about Fear, Anger and Outrage
I wonder if it is Fear . . . or is it Anger which leads to systemic racism including all variations of bigotry. Is it Fear or Anger which contributes more to suspicions of 'the other' and leads to discrimination, inequality and injustice? And brutality as well?
And on a personal note: As each new report of rage in the streets appears on the news, some vivid memories and the fear associated with them creep in and viscerally take over:
I did experience hate in my childhood – my D.C. row house next door neighbors used to spit on our porch, while spitting out the words, “Dirty Jews!”
How sad and confusing for me – Marian the little girl next door was my regular playmate. We spent hours in her basement practicing song and dance routines to "While strolling through the park one day . . . ."
Marion taught me the words to
"Chi-baba, chi-baba, chi-wawa
My bambino kook-a la goombah
Chi-baba, chi-baba, chi-wawa
my bambino go to sleep!"
And I've never forgotten them.
I remember the day we took a long walk together and as we were passing her church she invited me inside, led me to the alter and showed me how to light the candles.
All of these deservedly pleasant memories were tarnished each time her parents spit at us acting like they hated us or when the teen age son Johnny blocked me in the alley and threatened me.
What a frightening take-away message: I couldn't trust people because they might hurt me.
Because I know first-hand how the act of threatening someone can lead to far-reaching damage to our sense of safety and security, it is particularly disturbing to read how these messages that it is OK to threaten or do harm are repeatedly coming out of the White House. The Washington Post describes how “Musing about this kind of thing is a great way to plant a seed in certain people’s minds, and the fact that Trump keeps fertilizing that seed shouldn’t escape notice.”
The Post lists some recent ‘seeding:’
After the tragedy in Charlottesville in 2017, Trump retweeted and then deleted a video depicting a train running over a CNN reporter.
In 2019 at a rally, Trump asked what could be done about immigrants crossing the border illegally, to which one rally-goer responded, “Shoot them.” Trump replied, “That’s only in the Panhandle can you get away with that statement.”
Recently a few minutes apart on the same day:
At 12 a.m.last week President Trump retweeted a video in which a supporter says, “The only good Democrat is a dead Democrat.”
At 12:53 a.m. he followed this up by referring to protests in Minneapolis and saying, “When the looting starts, the shooting starts.”
The most sickening to me was when our president threatened what would happen if protesters tried to breech the White House fence: “they would have been greeted with the most vicious dogs, and most ominous weapons, I have ever seen. That’s when people would have been really badly hurt, at least.” –NBC
Wow. Old memories came flooding back of 1963 of Birmingham Police Commissioner Bull Conner using fire-hoses and attack dogs against peaceful demonstrators – including children. I wasn't far away, attending the University of Alabama during those really scary times.
I’ve been blogging about the often dangerous and deadly effects of permission-giving for quite a while:
–– Giving Permission – a Double Edged Sword
Fox News Geraldo Rivera states, “What is this, 6th grade?” he went on. “You don’t put gasoline on the fire. That’s not calming anybody. Who are you daring?”
Rivera continued that he “laments” the “recklessness of (the president’s) tempestuous nature when it comes to Twitter.”
Unfortunately some folks misinterpret these presidential ideas as 'invitations' or 'directives' which too often give the permission to act in hot-headed, out-of-control, irresponsible, and brutal ways.
I see anger and rage and hate as the overlay of this kind of behavior.
Where did we learn this hatred? How can we choose to make a change?
And how do we explain that anger and rage and hatred are OK and even encouraged for some groups in some contexts . . . and not for others.
I’m writing to reach out to you for your thoughts on anger, rage, hatred and systemic racism. And what are your ideas regarding giving permission for violent behavior –– for some groups in some situations?
I’d love to hear your thoughts . . .
Many thanks to my brother, Lee Raskin, for his useful ideas . . . and for helping me to think this through!
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
April 30, 2020
Honoring Grief and Making Losses Real
By Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / cuteimage
When I blogged about Coping with Uncertainty, Isolation and Empty Space last month, some of you asked to know more about loss.
Over the last month I’ve had dozens of new conversations with therapy and coaching clients about how early losses and fears are affecting how they are coping with the present day anxiety of the coronavirus pandemic.
I’m especially aware how each new loss in the present can bring up losses from the past. Even though they seem long forgotten, they can pack a wallop, bringing back strong emotions and body sensations, in a PTSD-kind-of-way.
Loss of security
Loss of health and vitality
Loss of professional identity
Loss of a job or position
Loss of respect
Loss of recognition or promotions
Loss of loved ones, pets, friends, co-workers
Loss of support
Loss of contact and connection
Loss of self-esteem and losing face
Loss of expectations and illusions and dreams
And each of my disappointments is a loss as well.
It helps me in times of loss to remind myself that losses sometimes force me to see things through a different perspective. And this terrible crisis has produced some opportunities to learn something new about life –– when I choose to.
“….we are shedding bits and pieces of ourselves as we shape and reshape our lives, our futures, and ourselves. Like a snake which must shed its skin in order to grow, or a bird that must first molt to make room for its new stronger feathers in order to fly, we must let go of parts of ourselves, our identity, our sense of security, and those we love, in order to grow and flourish.”
–– From loveandlightfromhealingcreek.blogspot.com/2006/06/necessary-losses.html describing Judith Viorst's Necessary Losses
All too often experiencing losses seems surreal –– especially sudden losses when we don't have time to adjust. And the onset of suffering and death from the coronavirus and covid-19 has surely seemed sudden.
Grief is a response to any kind of loss and I’ve learned from many years of struggling with losses, how important it is to grieve each one of them.
In Order to Grieve, We Must Make the Loss Real
I’ve learned about the importance of making the loss real in order to be able to fully grieve and move forward.
In order to make the plane crash real, I knew I had to spend some time on a DC-3.
There are many ways to make losses real:
- Writing out the story of the loss and disappointment and reading this out loud to yourself or to someone else makes the loss real.
- Creating a ritual.
Burning memorial candles. Lighting long-burning votive candles. I really like the Jewish Memorial candles that come in small glasses and burn for 24 hours.
- A virtual play-doh sculpting party. (Homemade recipe below!)
Form the play-doh into how you feel when the loss or disappointment comes. Then sculpt it into a somewhat different form—more positive appearing—reframing the meaning. For example, choosing to see something using a creative ‘opening up’ outlook rather than a ‘closing up or roadblock’ and making a shape to display that new perspectuve,
https://www.iheartnaptime.net/play-dough-recipe/
- Making collages from magazine ads and photos that symbolize the loss or disappointment, then making a second collage and choosing to capture a different point of view.
Let’s Put Our Losses in Perspective
- Give a voice to your feelings.
- Give yourself permission to be sad or disappointed or angry.
- Remind yourself that this present loss is being influenced and affected by all of your past losses no matter how small they may seem.
- Try to acknowledge and speak to and calm the fears of that part of you that is the most upset—that scared child part of you that asks, “What’s going to happen to me?”
- Can you visualize a container in which to keep your fears of loss and abandonment? What does it look like?
- Find some creative ways to make your losses real and to grieve them.
- Let the part of you that knows how to deal with these setbacks lead the way for the part of you that is confused and floundering.
- I encourage clients to ‘walk alongside themselves, noticing and naming’ their thoughts and their feelings. This practice allows them to recognize that they do have choices in their responses.
When we are able to make a choice about how we perceive these disappointments and s we may not feel so trapped. Having options means allowing the flexibility to change the way we think about something. So why not make a choice to make a change in how we think about loss and disappointment? Why not sculpt it into a somewhat different form — reframing the meaning.
By "naming" and "noticing" you can create some objectivity and open up your awareness to reshaping and rethinking the situation. and make choices about how you want to react to and deal with the situation. It’s easier to change something that we clearly see and understand.
Renewed Trauma and PTSD
There’s another aspect of loss that I want to give some attention to.
For many of us experiencing loss can create fears of abandonment. It brings up emotional and body memories of past traumatic experiences.
“Trauma is the response to a deeply distressing or disturbing event that overwhelms an individual’s ability to cope, causes feelings of helplessness, diminishes their sense of self and their ability to feel the full range of emotions and experiences.”
https://integratedlistening.com/what-is-trauma/
Trauma can be whatever event is traumatic to an individual in the moment. For some of us it may involve being teased or shamed or belittled by a mean-spirited parent or teacher or older sibling or cousin. Or being yelled at by an enraged out-of-control parent. For others it may involve being pushed or hit. And for some of us it might be being accosted by sexual innuendos or sexual assault. Each of us has different ways of processing inappropriate behaviors and each of us has our own brand of resilience which affects how we react to future trauma.
In previous blogs I’ve focused on how during a traumatic event the stress hormones come into play. Adrenaline, norepinephrine and cortisol are activated by the amygdala and result in fight, flight or freeze reactions.
These central (survival) details are imprinted, encoded and put into life-long storage in the neural pathway. Each new fear-inducing traumatic situation can bring on a kind of PTSD –– with renewed spurts of the stress hormones during a new experience, often repeating over the course of our lives Many times we don’t even exactly know what sets it off, but there it is.
According to neuroscience the human brain processes, files and stores memories that are linked to strong emotions.
The amygdala is the processing center for emotional responses. During a traumatic event it screens the information your five senses take in.
Think of it this way: The amygdala time-and-date stamps certain sounds, sights, smells, tastes, and touch and stores it for safe-keeping and the hippocampus is the brain’s memory filing system.
When certain powerful memories are triggered by a specific cue there may be an emotional or body reaction. Often we don’t realize what prompts us to get so upset and upon reflection it turns out to be some kind of stored memory.
We tend to remember the essential, central, survival details, and the brain’s filing system – the hippocampus, filters out the peripheral details.
In my work as a Child Protective Services Social Worker, trainer of therapists, and practicing psychotherapist I focus on childhood and adult trauma. I have often encountered the complex workings of the brain in processing traumatic events. And I know this from personal experiences as well.
It can be immensely upsetting when seemingly out of nowhere there is an unexpected return of the kind of anxiety, which had been experienced during the original event.
When emotional and body reactions seem to pop up from seemingly unrelated occurrences, it can be It can be disconcerting, confusing, frightening and overwhelming. We find ourselves back in the fight, flight or freeze mode and those stress hormones kick in again, causing similar anxiety to the original traumatic experience. The fear and dread and uncertainty of this pandemic are triggering some very old traumatic experiences in many of us. And anxiety runs high.
A woman I know describes how "The tornado hits and I'm Dorothy."
Fortunately there are ways to deal with these memory intrusions:
I’m a big believer in identifying and putting words to the messages we take in from the original trauma – having to do how we view our world, the safety of our world and trust of the people in it.
And I’m a fan of using ways to reprogram the neural pathways: Neuroplasticity, EMDR, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), and Brain Spotting are not therapy, but they provide additional tools.
More about Grief and Loss:
https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/grief/
https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/loss/
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/article_photos.htm
Hoping this provides some understanding of all the levels of distress this pandemic has been causing for so many of us .
If you have questions or more to add, contact me at elayne@QueenofRejection.com or on my blog site under ‘comments’
www.TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Stay safe and as comfortable as you possibly can . . .
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
March 31, 2020
Coping with Uncertainty, Isolation and Empty Space
By Elayne Savage, PhD
I live in the Bay Area where for over two weeks basic isolation has been mandated and all non-essential businesses are closed down. Streets and side-walks are eerily pretty empty. The six foot rule exists everywhere. And lockdown has just been extended another month.
Changes can be so difficult. Especially sudden ones when we are not prepared. And the not knowing can feel intolerable.
The uncertainty is unsettling and scary. The upheaval of our regular routines leaves far too much unfilled space. We are suddenly finding ourselves with so much space around us, facing way too much time alone.
When everything collapsed, we are find ourselves without the structure we are used to, without the routines we normally have. Let’s take a look at how we can create new structure, new routines, new ways of taking steps to make things seem more manageable and new ways of filling space.
But first let’s take a moment to think about what it is about empty space that it makes us feel so uneasy?
Horror Vacui _ The Fear of Empty Space
Indications of this fear of emptiness and open space have been with us throughout the ages. There is even a term for it: horror vacui, the fear of the void.
For example, consider Early Minoan art (from 1600 B.C.) or Greek art (from 500 B.C.), which exhibited great attention to detail. Vase painters started with simple designs and filled in more and more decoration, until all available space was used up—even to the point of saturation.
There was a kind of superstition connected to it, a way of keeping the unknown out.
There are other examples of this fear of empty space. Stylistically complex and overly elaborate baroque art is an example of this fear of bare surfaces and empty spaces. Cuban novelist Alejo Carpentier describes baroque as an art that moves from the center to the outskirts, transgressing its own margins in the process, leaving no open spaces. And Cuban poet and essayist José Lezama Lima describes baroque as the desperate overflow of the dispossessed.
(Excerpt from Breathing Room–Creating Space to Be a Couple)
So when our routine changes dramatically we are left without familiar structure and there is a void. A huge empty space.
Maybe you got up, got dressed and went to work. Maybe you didn’t have to leave the house everyday. You had your daily routine and it provided security, structure and order in your life.
One of the best examples I know from my observations of friends, family and clients, is the shift that goes on every summer for instructors, teachers, and other school personnel. There is the end-of-the-year whirlwind and then summer starts, and their normal routine disappears. This transition leaves lots of unstructured time, necessitating “shifting gears” in order to fill the space.
Often they find too much time on their hands. I have seen the space fill with stress, and anxiety and way too much over-thinking.
This is true as well for any of us putting lots of hours and huge amounts of energy into a demanding project and then it ends and we are left with a big empty space.
I've been reminding my clients (and myself!) that this void represents a huge loss of how things used to be. And I've been reminding clients (and myself!) how important it is to allow the space to grieve this loss.
And there is another layer here – clients and I are focusing on weaving together responses to the pandemic with past experiences of loss and fears of loss.
You, too, may be noticing how new losses tend to bring up the pain of past losses. Loss can take so many colorations: Loss of a job or relationship can lead to Loss of Identity, Loss of Self-worth, Loss of Respect, Loss of Well-being, Loss of Trust, Loss of Security, Loss of a Dream.
As I've blogged many times before, reaching out and connecting to others as a way of communal grieving can be comforting.
Much more about Loss: What's Going to Happen to Me?
A Plaintive Cry from Josie Therapy Cat: “Where Did All My Peeps Go?"
Working remotely is not new to me, I’ve been offering teletherapy and consulting for years. I’m presently working the same number of face-to-face hours as before, even seeing couples and small family groups online. And I really miss the energy clients would bring into my office.
Over the years, especially when I was building my private practice and didn’t have very many clients at first, I learned to deal with empty time by scheduling all kinds of stuff to fill up my calendar: ‘Wash hair,’ ‘take a walk, ’make a ‘to-do list.’
So I’m giving this a try again – especially on the days I feel the most isolated. It gives me a bit of much-needed structure. It helps establish a routine.
Actually I've been teased about being a list-maker my whole life. I just knew I needed to make lists in order to get through my day.
Then two years ago I found out it is most likely due to my ADHD. Oh, that explains it! And now my old skill is coming in handy so that I can take care of grocery shopping in one trip by carefully making lists. And it gives me something to fill time and space with!
When your routine is changed, and days are no longer predictable and familiar, it can really throw you off balance. When you are feeling especially anxious, you might find yourself trying so hard to control your environment that the people around you might feel controlled by you as well.
Remind Yourself You Do Have Choices
In fact, now with so much safety consciousness we find ourselves making new choices every day: you can choose to wash your hands or wash fruits and vegetables for 20 seconds – (or maybe even 30!), you can choose to stand 6 feet apart (or maybe even 6 ½) in that waiting-to-get-into the store line or in the checkout line, you can choose how strict you are regarding self-isolation rules, you can choose to eat comforting and nourishing food.
Perhaps you can choose to go outside to sit for a while or choose to walk in nature.
You can choose to exercise even in a chair, From the Joe Goode Performance Group: “We're reaching out to connect during this time apart. Our JGPG company members Damara + Molly share a short, seated movement sequence to do at home” gentle movement for our homebodies.
You can choose to counter the feeling of isolation by reaching out to neighbors and friends and family by a text or phone call or email to touch base, to check in, to tell them you are thinking of them and to see how they are doing.
What about planning a virtual weekly tea time or cocktail hour online using FaceTime, or Skype or Zoom?
And my 12 year old granddaughter got to attend a virtual slumber party with her friends.
I even heard about a virtual medical-mask-making gathering where participants put together cotton or flannel fabric pieces then stitched them making much-needed masks for local hospitals.
Here are some YouTube tutorials on how to prepare the medical masks:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgHrnS6n4iA
One thing I'm realizing I miss most is being able to look forward to attending a planned event. Now that all events are cancelled here, I find I can look forward to a virtual event with people I know.
There has been a community effort to order curbside or delivery from favorite restaurants to help them stay in business. Lots of folks offering to shop for seniors in need, exchanging information about which stores are sanitizing cart and basket handles, which stores have toilet paper and paper towels in stock, and even offering rolls of toilet paper if someone posts a need!
Charles Eisenstein in The Coronation describes the power of common cause and collective will:
“Covid-19 is showing us that when humanity is united in common cause, phenomenally rapid change is possible.….In coherency, humanity’s creative powers are boundless. A few months ago, a proposal to halt commercial air travel would have seemed preposterous. Likewise for the radical changes we are making in our social behavior, economy, and the role of government in our lives. Covid demonstrates the power of our collective will when we agree on what is important. What else might we achieve, in coherency? What do we want to achieve, and what world shall we create? That is always the next question when anyone awakens to their power”
https://charleseisenstein.org/essays/the-coronation/
I’m realizing how complacent I’ve been about so many things. I’m learning there is more than one way to see things and do things . . . and surely to appreciate things.
This an unprecedented and challenging time for all of us.
I hope that each of you are finding ways to safely navigate this journey.
I want to acknowledge Odilia Galván Rodríguez for making this blog come alive by contributing quotes from Sarah Crowell, Sister Dang Nghiem and Charles Eisenstein.Thanks Odilia!
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month . . .
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
February 29, 2020
Loyalty and Betrayal and the Generational Family 'Ledger’
By Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / webking
So much news coming out of Washington about the extremely high value placed on loyalty and about administration appointees who are often seen as “not loyal enough,”
I’m noticing that clients are aware of this too, and the spotlight on loyalty and betrayal has been bringing up memories of childhood confusion about all this.
In graduate school I was introduced to a book that really helped me understand the workings of my family –– ’Invisible Loyalties’ by Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy the founder of Contextual Family Therapy. I immediately recognized my own family in his descriptions of how loyalty/betrayal messages are transmitted through the generations.
He calls these generational transmissions ‘invisible loyalties’ and describes a ‘ledger’ of justice and injustice, fairness and unfairness, trustworthiness and untrustworthiness and loyalty and betrayal.
More about “Invisible Loyalties and the Ledger:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ivan_Boszormenyi-Nagy
Generational loyalty and betrayal have a huge effect on personal and workplace relationships. Especially giving and receiving trust and respect. This has been a focus of my work with both therapy and workplace clients and with several of my workshops.
I was entranced by Barry Levinson’s movie ‘Avalon’ the story of how a tight-knit family of five immigrant brothers living in East Baltimore becomes estranged when one member of the family deserts them and moves to the ‘suburbs.’
Rejection feelings of loyalty and betrayal take over. One brother complains he “can’t find the suburbs” and in fact he shows up very late for Thanksgiving dinner and becomes furious that the suburb family cut the turkey without him! To him that was disloyal not to wait. From that day on, the relationship is strained.
Another perceived disloyal act was when two sons ‘Americanize’ their last names from Krisinsky.
A sidebar: right next to where my dad is buried in Baltimore are headstones for the Krichinskys, KIrks and Levinsons — a family again in perpetuity.
Many of these generational messages are cultural. For example, certain ethnic groups expect the children to be independent and leave home, while others count on the adult children to stay nearby and be “on-call” to the needs of the family. Generationally Italian and Jewish families are considered to be examples of this. In fact, Jewish family connectedness is so powerful in many families that if there’s a perceived breach of commitment, a tendency exists to cut off all communication with that “disloyal” person.
(Ethnicity and Family Therapy (1996) by McGoldrick and Giordomo)
I’ve heard lots of stories from clients about similar hurt feelings, issues of fairness and resentments leading to estrangements and even disownings. Over the years much of my therapy practice has been focused on meeting with adult children and their parents or with adult siblings to work on misunderstandings that have been festering over many years.
Sometimes we hold ourselves back out of a sense of loyalty to a family member. Recently I met a therapist at a social event who explained she went back to school as an older adult to become a family therapist. And why did she wait so long? Well, turns out her father was a famous family therapist and the unspoken message was she would have to wait until after he died before joining the profession -–– otherwise it would have felt disloyal!
Similarly, I felt there was room for only one writer in my family, so without realizing it at the time, I didn’t write my first book until after my divorce.
Feeling ‘Let Down’ by Someone
Many of us feel let down by someone because we trust them and their behavior seems to betray that trust. These kinds of disappointments can feel like rejection.
When disloyalty and betrayal feelings pop up they can be overwhelming. It’s as if all the old gut reactions come flooding back again. It hurts. It can feel as if you are seven years old or twelve years old or sixteen again. And you react from that child place, that raw, hurting, child place. It’s as if you are frozen in time. If betrayal is your issue, you’ll most likely find yourself overreacting and wondering, “Where on earth did that feeling come from?”
The best way to try to deal with feelings of betrayal is to make some distance between you and the incident. Step back, take a breath, and remind yourself that even though at that moment you feel very young and defenseless, you are really an adult.
With a little distance from the feelings, you can actually respond in an adult manner. Yes, you can. But you have to be able to catch your breath and get some distance.
(From Breathing Room–Creating Space to Be a Couple)
It’s been interesting to watch loyalty and betrayal themes pop up out of D.C. so often.
Just recently there have again been frequent ruminations on
exactly who is Op-ed writer ‘Anonymous,” Who are the “Whistleblowers?” “Who leaked to that NYT or WaPo or WSJ journalist?”
In fact, the new White House Personnel Chief, John McEntee, has been instructed that his job is to focus on being on the lookout for and rooting out disloyal officials.
Brookings Institute statistics show that 53 out of 65 ‘A Team’ positions have turned over from January 2017. That’s 82%.
https://www.brookings.edu/research/tracking-turnover-in-the-trump-administration/
How many of these resigned positions are connected to feelings of unfairness?
How many dismissed positions are connected to suspicions of disloyalty?
As I become increasingly aware how many of us grew up with some sort of generational family messages about fairness, loyalty and betrayal, it makes me wonder what kind of ‘ledger’ the Trump family may have kept throughout the generations. And what ‘ledger’ is being maintained in the Trump White House.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
January 27, 2020
Gangsta-Speak From the White House
By Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / Guingm
"Get rid of her"
"Take her out"
President Trump’s words were captured on tape demanding the removal of Ukraine Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch.
"Get rid of her! Get her out tomorrow. I don't care. Get her out tomorrow. Take her out. OK? Do it."
"Get rid of her"
"Take her out"
Sure sounds to me like when gangsters order a 'hit.'
In a phone conversation, President Trump told President Zelensky that Ambassador Yovanovitch was “bad news” and was "going to go through some things."
Then, by a call from the director general of the State Department's foreign service, the ambassador was suddenly recalled to Washington:
"This is about your security. You need to come home immediately. You need to come home on the next plane.”
It seems to me this sounds strikingly familiar to President Trump’s recent gangster-speak tweet :
“Shifty Adam Schiff is a CORRUPT POLITICIAN, and probably a very sick man. He has not paid the price, yet, for what he has done to our Country.”
Could “not paid the price yet” be considered a threat to security in the same way as "going to go through some things” turned out to be?
The pattern seems to be the President's way of lashing out and threatening personal security when he feels personally attacked or betrayed.
Scary Talk Brings Up Scary Memories
The sound of these words makes me cringe. These sinister comments bring up a memory for me that I try to keep hidden away.
Maybe my experience is why I'm super sensitive to mob-talk about killing someone.
Once I heard a similar directive given, and it was very scary. I can never forget that day.
I was sitting with someone I know well and overheard him using these kinds of words in a phone call.
As we were chatting his phone rang. "I'm sorry, I have to take this call — it's business” he apologized.
He listened intently and asked a few questions. Then his tone grew steely: "Well — off him!"
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. So in my naive, rationalizing and protective universe I convinced myself he must have been joking around.
Only later did I connect the dots: Oh, I get it. This is Mob talk! "Off him" = "Take him out."
And more dots: His business happened to be gambling.
OMG. I had just witnessed an order to kill someone. It was chilling!
I guess I pushed this memory into the recesses of my mind because I honestly was not able to deal with such a frightening thought.
Once in a while something will remind me, and I try to push it away again.
Yesterday I came face to face with the memory when I heard the recording of our president's directive to remove Ambassador Yovanovitch:
"Get rid of her"
"Take her out."
I couldn’t escape it this time. These gangster-laced words brought all the yucky feelings of that day back to me.
The day I overheard someone order a murder.
The day I was filled with fear.
The day I needed a hot shower to wash away how befouled I felt.
Writing about this helps a little. Thanks for listening . . .
Until next month,
Elayne
The contents of the tape regarding Ambassador Yovanovitch were first reported by ABC.
You can listen to the entire tape here. The dialogue I described above starts at the 39 minute mark.
By the way, President Trump’s tweet describing Adam Schiff as “a CORRUPT POLITICIAN, and probably a very sick man“ could be considered an very good example of the psychological projection that he so often displays
I often blog about projection. Here is a description:
– Psychological projection is mistakenly imagining certain traits exist in the other person when we cannot acknowledge them in ourselves. This is because they make us uncomfortable because they are emotionally unacceptable to us. In other words, features that we attribute to (others) are actually disowned parts of ourselves.
Projection is how some people deal with all kinds of unacknowledged, unacceptable feelings including anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness, vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
December 31, 2019
Happy New Decade – Inviting New Possibilities
By Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / andersonnancy
I’m waiting for the last remnants of this past year to finally wash away. Waiting for it to be replaced by the new decade – chock-full of possibilities.
I often piggyback on news events when I’m writing these blogs. But lately I’m finding recent events uncomfortably dark and depressing. I’ve blogged recently about how folks seem to think they are being given permission to act out in volatile, aggressive, threatening and scary ways. Does it seem to you, too, that there is more than usual violence lately?
(Giving Permission - A Double-Edged Sword)
So I’ve been struggling with what I want to write for this blog. I started several blog drafts but I decided to file each of them away for another time.
However, I do know I want to write about something positive, about the promising world of new possibilities for this new decade.
My professional speaking colleague Mark Susnow has over the years observed many wondrous aspects of possibilities in his blog: www.inspirepossibility.com.
Many times I find myself re-reading Mark’s invitations for opening up to possibility. These ideas have helped me get through some pretty tough times – especially when I'm feeling sorry for myself.
Mark is a professional speaking colleague who I have known for many years and whose ideas I very much respect. We lost a great thinker when, on July 17, 2019, on he died suddenly.
With “a magical world full of possibilities waiting for you to enter” in this new decade, I'd like to share Mark’s wisdom with you . . . From Mark Susnow’s Blog www.InspirePossibility.com
The Possibility Paradigm
Mark Susnow
From www.InspirePossibility.com
April 2017
"In this paradigm, waking up each day, excited, with a smile on our face-even with all of the loose ends and uncertainty, is what real success is. The breakthrough then becomes the shift from the physical world of accomplishment and achievement, to an inner world of being and wonder.
While most of us would like to become more successful in the world, that by itself, won't fulfill us. Lightening up and enjoying each day to its fullest, including the ups and downs, the twists and turns, and ebb and flow of life's unfolding mystery, is what brings us alive. And isn't that what enlightenment is about - lightening up.
The paradox is that when we stop resisting the flow of life's evolutionary process, not only do we experience the same or greater levels of material success, we enjoy ourselves in the process of creation. We also discover possibilities we never knew existed. We don't fear or obsess about the inevitable "loose ends" because we know we have what it takes to handle and thrive in these new challenges and opportunities.
Once we emerge into the new paradigm, the not knowing what's next, can become an exciting process of discovery. With a sense of being and wonder emerging into its full glory, a glory beyond anything you've yet experienced, you notice as you look more deeply and reflect upon your life, that events which at one time seemed random, are all interconnected preparing you for this moment.
Yet there's still a great deal you can't explain, and the curiosity to explore and explain it, excites you, propels you. In the process, you keep expanding that edge - at one time a barrier to seeing what's beyond that ridge or beneath the surface of the deep mysterious ocean - to discover that this unknown territory is full of amazing possibilities of your living a life full of joy and wonder.
Your enjoyment and appreciation of life is not dependent on what might happen in the future, but rather on the choice you make over and over again to be happy in this moment, the one that is all there is. When things don't work out the way you had hoped or your expectations weren't meant, rather than judging what happened and its significance in the big picture, you say to yourself, 'THAT'S INTERESTING.'
These powerful words reinforce that you are the creator, the architect of the life you want to live and the person you want to become. What emerges in this evolutionary process is a new "you" who knows that now is the time to soar beyond your self imposed glass ceiling."
You know that if you keep your eyes open and stay curious, there is a magical world full of possibilities waiting for you to enter.
There is no better time than now to enjoy this great adventure, this great mystery called LIFE.
Enjoy the Journey
Mark
© Copyright 2005 Mark Susnow. All Rights Reserved
From www.InspirePossibility.com
April 2017
More from Mark on Possibility:
www.inspirepossibility.com/posts/the-possibility-paradigm/
www.inspirepossibility.com/posts/possibilities/
Thanks, Mark, for introducing me to “a magical world full of possibilities” waiting for me.
Wishing each of you A Very Happy New Decade – full of promise!
Until next month,
Elayne
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
November 27, 2019
Taking a Cue From UNO: No Politics Allowed!
By Elayne Savage, PhD
This year the UNO card deck changes colors to orange and purple, clearly stating:
“No red or blue cards means no taking sides!”
The pack is stamped “NONPARTISAN” hoping to reduce stress at family gatherings caused by political fighting. And just in case a cantankerous relative tries to start a political conversation the pack includes a 'VETO' card!
Every few years I blog about how to avoid hurt feelings on Thanksgiving. I used to use some humor, describing how family gatherings can seem like we are watching Theatre of the Absurd. I’ve had a good time poking fun at the Cast of Characters at the table.
Trouble is, I don’t find much humor these days in how people treat each other. Family gatherings are becoming more and more like a microcosm of our tension-laden, disrespectful and scary world: dismissiveness, arguments, hurt feelings, personal attacks, threats and sometimes even violence.
It’s frightening and makes me feel very vulnerable.
I’m hoping this year we can take a cue from UNO and stay away from political fighting at our family gatherings. Actually I’m writing this Thanksgiving blog with a plea: please make sure you feel safe in the presence of others. Please be careful about biting any political discussion bait that someone may throw out to you and about unwittingly baiting a relative with your own political observations.
Someone could get hurt. It used to be mostly hurt feelings but lately it seems like too often physical harm happens too.
Does it seem to you that this year stress is higher than in the past. Reports of interactions between world leaders and elected officials describe out-of-control anger, raging, lashing out, bullying, dismissiveness, contempt, ridicule, mockery, derision, and taunting. And this year there have been accusations of bribery, extortion, and even threats of ‘insurance policies.’ Am I the only one who thinks that could mean blackmail?
I’d like to see elected officials model some amount of respectful and ethical behavior instead of disrespect and deception.
I find this behavior especially scary because it gives permission to the rest of us to act badly.
Politicized and Polarized
Family dynamics often replicate global attitudes and actions. too often they can bring up fear. And fear often calls up experiences and memories from the past. Fears we thought we’d dealt with are again resurfacing. And we feel especially vulnerable to the scariness ‘out there.’
Defending against this fear can make us more polarized than ever. It becomes Us vs. Them. Good vs. Bad. Seems like too many people have a strong need to make everyone else ‘Bad’ and ‘Wrong.’ Politics of Fear erupts, playing to our anxieties. This leads to a Culture of Distrust permeating and fraying the fabric of our country. In any relationship, Trust is pretty important and it seems to be disintegrating.
Will this have an effect on our Thanksgiving gatherings?
Talking to the Turkeys at the Table
The extreme polarization we see daily could easily get played out at the Thanksgiving table. Especially if you have a relative or two who are prone to pick fights and insist their opinion is the only valid one. Uncle John is a great example of obnoxious behavior — especially if he’s had an extra drink or two. That’s when his political rants are not just annoying. In his determination to be right at any cost, his put-downs are mean-spirited and hurtful.
And he loves to bait other guests into arguing with him. He pulls you in every time, like the fisherman reeling in the fish. You're embarrassed as you realize you are raising your voice to make your point over his drunken declarations.
So how do you handle him?
- Keep reminding yourself he’s baiting you and you have a choice not to bite.
– It helps to have a rehearsed response in case you get flustered. Be direct. Something like: "Uncle John, I can see you feel strongly about your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this subject with you."
Pass the Rejection, Please
And then there is Aunt Stephanie, teasing you again about things you did or said when you were a little kid. ”You always were such a sensitive child,” she stage whispers loud enough for everyone to hear. You just want to crawl under the table and disappear. So how do you handle her?
– This is a good time for taking a deep breath. Maybe several. Breathing slowly ten times will usually help take the charge off of the situation. – By the way, since she loves getting a charge out of you, not showing reaction to her negative behavior might help to extinguish it.
– Can you remind yourself that teasing is bullying behavior, and bullies are usually feeling ‘less than’ and insecure. They have a need to puff themselves up by diminishing others.
– Try being direct with her: “Aunt Stephanie, in celebrating this season of appreciation, I would appreciate it if you agree not to tell childhood stories.”
– Instead of imagining crawling under the table, consider choosing to leave the room gracefully, walking into the bathroom and closing the door and regaining your composure.
Watching the Cast of Characters in Theatre of the Absurd
This is where it helps to imagine stepping back as if you are watching a Theatre of the Absurd performance. Much like Beckett's "Waiting for Godot" or Pirandello's "Six Characters in Search of an Author,” these scenes seem surreal. Actually by imagining yourself as the audience observing the weirdness of this cast of characters you can create a safe space for yourself in the midst of all the crazy-making goings-on.
Employing this perspective can provide the distance you need to not feel so rejected or take things so personally. And hopefully to not get so angry or over-reactive to their stupid comments.
Opt-In to Time-Outs
Here are some good ways to try to take care of yourself: – Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to help you regain your composure. Each is way of taking a needed ‘Time Out.’
– Remember you have choices now. When Aunt Stephanie teased or Uncle John baited you when you were small, you probably felt you had to stay there and take it. You’re not a little kid anymore even though their bullying tends to bring up little kid kinds of feelings.
– One of your best choices is to leave the room and take a few breaths:
– In the living room before or after dinner, if someone acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen and get a drink of water.
– At the dinner table, you can say a simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I want to handle this? What is my plan of action here?” And especially to remind yourself that their comments are most likely not about you. It’s a good guess that other people may be projecting their own uncomfortable characteristics onto you. Often these are blind spots and they're not even aware of doing it.
– Psychological projection is mistakenly imagining certain traits exist in the other person when we cannot acknowledge them in ourselves. This is because they make us uncomfortable because they are emotionally unacceptable to us. In other words, features that we attribute to (others) are actually disowned parts of ourselves.
Projection is how some people deal with all kinds of unacknowledged, unacceptable feelings including anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness, vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency.
– By the way, if you really need to check your calls on your device, some relatives might feel offended, so walking into the bathroom to check you can avoid ruffling feathers.
– Here is a strategy that works really well: Try finding something you can like or appreciate about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate on that feature. When a person sees respect in your eyes, he or she is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.
Planning a Quick Get-Away
Visiting out-of-town family can be complicated and may take a bit more planning.
Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives. Consider renting a car. This “time-out” lets you be independent about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay if you need to escape from the stress of family. You might also consider taking long walks or visiting old friends or familiar haunts.
It’s Not About You!
It’s worth a trip to the bathroom to clear your mind and make the space to remind yourself it’s probably not about you.
It helps to ask yourself:
Am I taking this personally? How?
Is there any cause for me to feel threatened?
Am I feeling rejected in some way?
Where did this reaction come from? Is it something “old”? **
** (From Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection)
This can do wonders toward helping you regain your balance in these kinds of disconcerting and hurtful environments. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
Do you have a story or two to share about your own experiences with 'Turkeys at the Table' and how you handle them? Email me at elaye@QueenofRejection.com or post on the comments section of the blog: www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com
Note: Parts of this blog are borrowed from previous Thanksgiving blogs I’ve written over the years and from Breathing Room – Creating Space to Be a Couple
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Giving Permission - A Double-Edged Sword
Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving!
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
October 31, 2019
Please Don’t Say “Get Over It”
By Elayne Savage,PhD
CanStock: by 72soul
“GET OVER IT," says White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney. regarding the phone call between President Trump and Ukrainian President Zelensky.
And I cringed.These are hurtful words for me to hear. You see, I have a cringe-worthy history with that phrase.
My contentious relationship with ‘Get over it” began when I was 12 years old and well-wishers and do-gooders hugged me and hugged me and hugged me after the joint funeral for my mother and grandmother. They said things like “Tuck your feelings away - try to get over it.”
Well, no. It doesn’t quite work that way. That early trauma has continued to affect many of my personal and professional interactions. Losing them suddenly in a plane crash taught me it it’s safer to hold back on loving someone - they might leave or die.
And it’s not just me: I often hear stories about the effects from ‘Get over it” from my therapy clients. Maybe it was a breakup, maybe a job loss, maybe a death, maybe inappropriate behavior by a family member.
It is especially painful after they have mustered the courage to talk about an early painful event. And some clients describe feeling inadequate and ashamed that they can’t push away effects of their early trauma.
And yes, I have even heard stories about psychotherapists or psychiatrists or doctors who have given the same advice: “Just try to get over it!” maybe wanting to be helpful and not realizing how hurtful these words it can be.
There is a certain sarcasm when someone says, “Get over it.” It so easily translates to “Deal with it” or “Stop living in the past” or “Why can’t you just move on.”
I’ve come to understand what a big difference there is between the dismissive “get over it” and the empowering choice of moving forward.
Feeling Unsupported By a Friend Felt Like Betrayal
Following the shock of 9/11 I wrote a piece titled ‘What’s Going to Happen to Me?’ relating how these crashing planes caused so many deaths and remembering my own shock and trauma when my mother and grandmother died in a DC-3 plane crash when I was a child.
Back then I didn’t talk about how painful my loss was, And in this piece, because I described such personal feelings and fears, I felt I I didn’t have enough objectivity about my. writing. So I asked a few close friends to read it and give me feedback.
The consensus was that my story could be comforting to others - especially because I acknowledged my own fears and struggles.
Then I made the mistake of sharing this with a good friend, also a writer.
He knew about my experience of being discouraged in my family to talk about the crash or ask questions. He knew how decades later I sought answers and even sent away for reports and photos of the crash site. I was trying to piece it all together. And I was finally allowing a long-delayed healing process begin.
But it's slow going.
Each time a plane goes down, it feels like my mother's plane crashes again. And that special place in my heart aches.
My friend knew about all this, yet when he read the draft he responded “Get over it.”
I was shocked and hurt to my core. I knew I could not continue to be his friend.
Recently I shared a bit of my experience of the crash with a relatively new friend. He asked if I might be letting that experience define me. That was hard to hear and digest, but he is absolutely right!
Thinking about it this way allows me to create a way to balance some of the negative effects of that early trauma.
Telling he story of the crash leading to my journey in developing resilience has become one of my favorite keynote speeches.
And I like to think of getting paid well to do this is my little joke on the world!
———————————————————
So I began writing this a week ago, the day Mick Mulvaney made his crack about “Get over it.” Then I got derailed by the mandated electrical blackouts here due to the fires and high winds. This is basically a first draft and probably can use some editing!
I had no land line,cell phone, no wifi, no email, and for a while, no texting ability,. What an isolating and scary feeling that was! No way to make or receive contact or charge devices unless I drove to another location.
I want to share with you the story of an offer by a neighbor around the corner when none of us had electricity.
Turns out somehow his house had power and he posted on NextDoor the neighborhood listserve: “If anyone needs to charge up their phones or electronics we have power. There's a power strip out down the driveway. Just remember to bring your own charger.” His thoughtfulness did a lot to offset a couple of pretty miserable days.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
September 30, 2019
The Self-sabotage Team: Trump, Schiff and Giuliani
By Elayne Savage, PhD
The news is full of terrific illustrations of self-sabotage. I don’t mean for this commentary to be political, and yet I just can’t resist commenting.
© Can Stock Photo / Aleutie
I’m thinking of course of the OK-ing of the release of the transcript of President Trump’s phone call with Ukrainian President Zelensky. A set-up for criticism.
And then, came House Intel Chairman Adam Schiff’s opening statement when he attempted to parody the Trump-Zelensky phone call. Even though he prefaced his statement with “This is the essence of what the president communicates” he then intersperses the transcript with his own phrases, resulting in much confusion, criticism and backlash. Another set-up.
And of course we have Rudy Giuliani, our dependably foot-in-mouth TV talking head and the King of Mixed Messages which are set ups as well.
In each situation it seems to me there was some cluelessness about how their actions would be received and interpreted. No thought at all to the backlash. Subconscious self-sabotage?
Maybe these men didn’t confer with their advisors first before opening mouth and inserting foot. OR maybe they listened to some very bad advice from their advisors. OR maybe each one had a secret agenda for doing what they did.
OR
Maybe they self-sabotaged for the same reason many of us do: a feeling of unworthiness, inadequacy, insecurity, feeling like we don’t deserve the position or the job.
Self-sabotage is Self-rejecting Behavior
Self-sabotage happens when self-doubt creeps in.
Have you ever craved the prestige of a position of importance, yet secretly feared you might not have what it takes to get the job done? Maybe you felt a bit insecure. Maybe not quite comfortable with the responsibility. If you think negative thoughts about doing it, you may conjure up some sort of stumbling block. And then, of course, you don't have to find out if you really are capable.
As you can see, lots of subconscious things might be going on.
Then again, maybe it’s not self-sabotage at all that causes these gaffes. Maybe it’s lack of experience or dubious judgement. However, these happenings do seem to me like some form of subconscious self-sabotage – so let’s take a look at what this could mean...
Clogging Up the Machinery
History offers this intriguing image of how the word ‘sabotage” came to be:
You may know 'sabot' is a French word meaning wooden shoe or clog. It's said the term originated during the Industrial Revolution when discontented workers threw their sabots into factory machinery to damage it. The word 'saboteur' came to mean 'working carelessly,' 'clumsiness,’ 'botching' or ‘bungling,’ The meaning broadened to include any purposeful and disruptive behavior.
What are the ways you sabotage yourself? How do you jam-up, clog, or stop your machinery?
Self-sabotage clogs up our machinery with self-doubt about our capability and competence, feelings of inadequacy or working against our own best interests.
Underneath the polished, and successful exterior of many politicians, low self-worth may be lurking. Perhaps when politicians and other public figures engage in risk-taking behavior, this might be connected to their deep down feelings of inadequacy. It might come from a core belief that in reality they are a loser. Then, as this premise repeats itself over time, it leads to negative and disappointing outcomes. And instead of pretending to be something they are not, they are may feel a huge relief.
In the case of President Trump, just maybe, under all the boasting, he really feels defective, inferior and even ashamed. Maybe he keeps reminding himself of his flaws by sabotaging himself with carelessness and hubris.
Could some of these same underlying motivations be going on for Rep. Schiff and Rudy Giuliani as well?
Engaging in risk-taking behavior might be that a part of us likes the excitement of getting away with something and a part of us kind of wants to be contained and restrained by being found out? It's easy enough to become forgetful and leave materials or devices around where others might find them.
Sometimes we sabotage ourselves by taking chances and getting sloppy. And sometimes we get caught!
Getting caught is what President Trump accused Adam Schiff of:
“Rep. Adam Schiff fraudulently read to Congress, with millions of people watching, a version of my conversation with the President of Ukraine that doesn’t exist.
HE WAS DESPERATE AND HE GOT CAUGHT. Adam Schiff therefore lied to Congress and attempted to defraud the American Public.”
Might you, too, might throw your shoes into the machinery at one time or another?
Can Stock Photo / abluecup
Opposing Voices in Stereophonic Sound
Self-sabotage is often a reflection of ambivalence. By this I mean an internal conflict is playing out - a clash between two opposing voices: "I can. I can't." "I want to. I don't."
Might Mr. Trump be feeling some conflict here about being The Prez? Could there be two conflicting messages regarding his desire to be president and his self-doubt about his ability to do a good job?
The influence of ambivalence is of course not restricted to politicians and their staffs. When those conflicting voices start reverberating, we manage to find creative ways to sabotage ourselves in our personal and professional relationships.
And by the way, saboteur rhymes with provocateur – another way of smearing the garbage around. Have you ever heard the term 'shit-kicker’ used for someone who disrupts things or picks fights and creates a crisis?
These behaviors easily promote disarray and chaos – an out-of-control environment of disorganization, confusion and turmoil. Sound familiar?
Let Me Count the Ways
Over the years I've become quite the expert at sabotaging myself. I've encountered windows of opportunity, but let them float by without acting. I have been known to mis-address correspondence, make typing errors on important emails when I wanted to impress someone.
More times than I can count, I've not listened to that small warning voice, and blurt out something inappropriate. Once I even missed a plane when I was on my way to present a program for an out-of state organization!
Now I recheck things before sending them out and I try to plan carefully so I don't mess up.(Sure it’s my ADHD contributing to the errors, however making the time for a careful re-check makes a big difference in my feeling good about myself instead of dismayed because of my errors.)
Do you find yourself clogging up your machinery with self-doubt about your capability and competence? Are you sometimes overcome with feelings of inadequacy? Do you ever block our success by working against your own best interests?
When we don't listen to our inner voice, we miss opportunities, Or conversely, we might ignore that warning voice that pops us when we are about to say something that could get us into trouble.
You know the voice I mean, " The one that says" Best to keep your mouth shut – now!"
And all too often we don't listen. Many of us could sure benefit from developing a good filtering system and personal boundaries. Sometimes we allow ourselves to be influenced by a friend, advisor, coach, or therapist? "Do this." "Say that," "Write what I suggest." And we find ourselves blindly following their suggestion without thinking it through.
Sometimes we don't consider the repercussions or the effect of our words or actions on others. (As a relationship and workplace coach, I've learned how the misuse of power can be counter-productive. Even though my clients ask for 'advice,' I try to present ideas as 'options' and 'choices.')
Maybe there's some ambivalence about getting away with something and a part sort of wants to be found out. It's easy enough to get forgetful and leave materials or devices around that others might find.
Sometimes we sabotage ourselves because we have a need for self punishment – especially for the litany of times we think we've done something "bad."
Self-sabotage can take a myriad of forms. We sabotage relationships — both work and personal. We sabotage our well-being. We sabotage respect for ourselves.
- Have you ever pushed yourself so hard on the treadmill or bicycling or running that you strain a muscle and can't exercise again for two weeks. That, too, is a form of self-sabotage, even though it really feels good in the moment.
- Have you made relationship choices that are set-ups for rejection and disappointment?
- Have you engaged in sloppy business practices, resulting in failure?
- Have you missed opportunities, not listening carefully enough to your inner voice.
- Might you sometimes seemed to have a need to punish yourself? Maybe even for every "bad" thing you’ve ever done! Self-sabotage is often the method of choice.
Most of the time we aren't really aware we are doing it.
Self-sabotage is one of the ways we deal with stress and anxiety. We deflect anxiety through avoidance, procrastination, perfectionism and making excuses.
Can you think of other ways?
When Self-sabotaging Thoughts are Below our Radar
What are the ways you sabotage yourself? How do you jam-up, clog or stop your machinery? Because these thoughts are often below our radar we're not aware of them.
If you want to overcome self-sabotaging behaviors, you have to know you're doing it. If you can't see something, you can't change it.
When you recognize your doubts and fears you begin to understand how they may be affecting your behavior.
By 'walking alongside yourself' and mindfully recognizing and naming your thoughts and actions, you can make a conscious choice to experiment with trying out new behavior.
Try Asking Yourself:
- Why might I be holding myself back? What am I uncomfortable about? What uncertainties do I have? What might I be afraid of?
- Which do I fear more – failure or success
- What's the worst thing that could happen?
Then say the answers out loud. Even better to state them out loud to another person.
Hearing yourself say the words helps take the charge off of the fear.
Wouldn't it be great to become your own best supporter instead of your worst saboteur?
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
August 31, 2019
Giving Permission - A Double-Edged Sword
By Elayne Savage, PhD
© Can Stock Photo / prettyvectors
I've been thinking a lot lately about the different forms of 'giving permission' and how I'm becoming painfully aware of the Dark Side that seems to be getting played out these days.
Giving Permission to ‘Make a Choice to Make a Change’ TM
For 35 years I have thought of 'giving permission' as wonderfully helpful in my work with workplace and psychotherapy clients.
Almost every day I have the opportunity to ‘give permission’ and I love to be able to help clients recognize that in tough situations they do have choices and can expand their options.
I try to give permission to let it be OK for clients to identify any blindspots they might have, reminding them “if they can’t see it, they can’t change it.” I encourage them to “walk alongside themselves, noticing and naming ideas, thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors –– and then imagining going back to the fork in the road and trying out a different path.” I encourage them to join me in teamwork to creatively try out some different thinking and behaviors.
Can they give themselves permission to ‘make a choice to make a change?’
I encourage clients to recognize that it's OK to have needs and not feel ‘needy’ or worry about being viewed as ‘needy. Can they try to define their needs by putting words to them? This can be a new experience if, when they were young, no one gave them permission to have needs. No one met the child's needs because the child was taking care of the grownups.
I remind them it may be a struggle at first to be able to know what their needs are and to say them out loud, but that’s OK . . . it is doable with some practice.
If perfectionism is holding someone back, I can work with them to keep their expectations realistic and giving themselves permission to experience success by doing a 'good enough' job.
I encourage clients to give themselves permission to check things out with the other person and not presume meaning or intent. This gives the other person permission to clarify and say, "That's not what I meant to say or I didn't mean for it to sound like that."
Here is a simple way to check things out:
"This is what I heard you say ______________.
Is it what you said?
Is it what you meant?"
By the way, the power of the ‘MeToo’ Movement is in the permission it gives to formerly fearful women and men –– move past the shame and choose to finally tell their stories of abusive experiences and traumatic memories, when to tell and how much to tell.
Lately a few clients have expressed the need to use some of our session time to talk about how recent Washington goings-on have been affecting them. It has to do with permission.
Most recently they are noticing the effect that so much negative ‘permission-by-example’ has been having on them – noticing their own increased tendency to tell half-truths or to exaggerate stories.
Maybe we are seeing the same kind of a ‘having permission’ dynamic when Joe Biden told a heart-warming anecdote about a war hero but appeared to combine details from several different events into one story. When questioned about the confusion in the details, he replied, “I don’t know what the problem is. I mean, what is it that I said wrong?”
My first thought is that I might be seeing the influence of very similar conflating and confusion of details that comes out of Washington. Could this modeling have given permission for Mr. Biden to feel it was OK to take some liberties with his stories, and in his justifications when questioned about it.
Giving Permission to Be Angry, to Hate, and to Create Violence and Turmoil
Recently I have become aware how ‘permission’ can surely be a double-edged sword with a scary Dark Side. When there are various kinds of encouragement for aggression we see almost daily there are headlines about verbal and physical violence, attacks, arrests because of online threats, and of course the recent horrific mass killings in Gilroy, Dayton and El Paso.
(Update: As I am writing these words, yet another mass shooting is taking place in Odessa and Midland Texas. Using an assault rifle he killed 7 and wounded 22 before he was killed by police.)
The Dark Side of perceived permission most often comes from the words and the 'winks and nods' of influencers.
However sometimes this perceived 'permission' comes feeling emboldened by previous violent acts and leads to copycatting. Often they are motivated by the appealing notoriety of headlines and 15 minutes of fame. Sometimes with a goal of breaking previous "kill" records .
And for some perceived 'permission' to commit violence is really a way to end their own life by getting shot by law enforcement.
Did you read about the man in Montana who assaulted a 13- year old boy
for not removing his hat during the national anthem?
The man described how he grabbed the boy by the throat, lifted him into the air and slammed him to the ground.
He fractured the boy’s skull.
The attorney for the man says President Trump’s “rhetoric” is partially to blame for his client’s actions. He was following orders from “his commander in chief” while attacking the teenager.
©Can Photo /robwilson39
Is it my imagination or are there actually more violent incidents because folks have come to believe they have permission to act out in aggressive ways? A nationwide review conducted by ABC News identifies at least 36 criminal cases where our President Trump was invoked in direct connection with violent acts, threats of violence or allegations of assault. The majority of the cases (29 of the 36) reflect someone echoing presidential rhetoric.
I couldn’t help but notice a what appears to be a ‘call to action’ at various rallies during the 2016 campaigning — encouraging supporters to name-call and threaten and attack and kill.
Trump's 2016 campaign language has several times been criticized for promoting violence against political opponents.
- Donald Trump called for 'Second Amendment people" to bear arms and stop Hillary Clinton.
- Regarding speakers at the Democratic National Convention: “The things that were said about me. You know what, I wanted to hit a couple of those speakers so hard. I was gonna hit this guy so hard, his head would spin. He wouldn’t know what the hell happened."
- And there was his legal fee promise In Cedar Rapids: "knock the crap out of them, would you? Just knock the hell — I promise you, I will pay for the legal fees. I promise. I promise.”
- In a CNN interview with Jake Tapper on 7/24/16 Donald Trump, Jr. said:
“President Obama …should be ashamed of himself. If a Republican did that they would be calling for people to bring out the electric chair."
- And a New Hampshire state representative called for Hillary Clinton to be “put in the firing line and shot for treason” for her handling of the Benghazi terror attack. And by the way, the "lock her up” chants still continue.
Bear Arms? Hit DNC speakers 'hard'? Pay the legal fees of violent supporters? The electric chair? A Firing line?
Might these statements be perceived as ‘giving permission?’
"You aren’t just responsible for what you say;
you’re responsible for what people hear”
––– former CIA director Michael Hayden on CNN
These kinds of inflammatory statements can be confusing for folks who feel alienated and not heard or seen. Or for those with emotional or cognitive difficulties or for those who may be struggling with rational thinking, and prone to impulsivity and delusions.
We know from their social media postings that some are susceptible to embracing conspiracy theories. Some may be unable to differentiate what is real and what is not real: what is an exaggeration or a falsehood or what is only intended to be a dramatic distraction or a useful soundbite.
They might easily interpret an ill-considered, offhand comment to be a directive from their leader to be violent, to attack or kill. They may become delusional and begin to believe that bad things are good for them and for the country. They may start thinking destructively and commit dangerous acts or incite others to commit dangerous acts. And if they have access to guns or knives they would be putting themselves and others in danger.
Then this becomes a public health and public safety issue.
You may recall that Cesar Sayoc mailed homemade pipe bombs to 14 targets of verbal attacks by President Trump – including former Presidents Barack Obama and Bill Clinton and Senators Cory Booker and Kamala Harris, major Democratic donors, and to CNN's offices.
The Sayoc family attorney tells Anderson Cooper how Cesar Sayoc seemed lost and needed help and “found a father in Trump. He was attracted to the Trump formula of reaching out, Trump reaching out to these types of outsiders, people who don’t fit in, people who are angry at America, telling them they have a place at the table, telling them that it’s okay to get angry.”
The attorney adds, “I believe that was a motivating factor.”
Not just for Sayoc but for the many others who embrace these kinds of suggestions which seem to give permission to tap into their dark side. These suggestions can be so appealing in fact, that some may even have coded meaning –– which might make them even more appealing.
And this kind of permission-giving may have influenced comments made by Former Canadian Prime Minister Kim Campbell who tweeted about Hurricane Dorian, "I’m rooting for a direct hit on Mar-a-Lago!" and wishing it would “shake up Trump’s climate change denial.” Later she did “sincerely apologize to all it offended.”
And this just in on Fox News 9/2/19: Brazil’s tourism ambassador Renzo Gracie, posted a video saying to French President Emmanuel Macron, "Come over here you’ll be caught by the neck, that chicken neck." which the press is interpreting as threatening to choke him. He also made an insulting sexual comment about his wife.
Am I the only one who notices similarities in the insulting tone of these tweets to some of the posts we see coming from the White House?
An Incendiary, Highly Controversial Move of Partisan Gamesmanship That Defies the Spirit of Democracy
And Prime Minister Boris Johnson, too, may be replicating attitudes and behaviors we see coming from the White House. The British Prime Minister in a “highly controversial move of partisan gamesmanship” asked Queen Elizabeth II to suspend Parliament. Johnson's move is “extraordinary because it is so incendiary.”
The queen has tried to stay out of politics and his request is so far the closest the monarch has come to getting stuck in ‘the Brexit quagmire.’
“Suspending Parliament for political reasons is extremely unusual but not completely unheard of. The Queen may advise or warn a leader, but it is essentially unheard of for her to reject the agenda of the U.K.'s head of government.”
Johnson put her in “an unprecedented bind, having to choose between rejecting royal protocol or approving what Johnson's critics say is a blatant power grab that defies the spirit of British democracy.”
So, caught in a double bind, the Queen said yes.
https://fortune.com/2019/08/28/boris-johnson-queen-parliament-suspend-brexit/
I’m not trying to make a political statement here, but the often dark consequences of perceived ‘permission’ seems important to call attention to. So important, in fact, that I had to start from scratch rewriting this blog when a few days ago my first draft iPhone Notes disappeared and two Apple Advisors weren’t able to retrieve them.
And then again, maybe I’m just imagining that all these examples are really describing ’’giving permission.’
Let me know what you think . . .
And some of you may be interested in this study analyzing 53 years of mass shooting data showing attacks aren’t just increasing, they’re getting deadlier. Mass shootings have increased from claiming an average of 5.7 lives per year in the 1970's to an average of 51 deaths per year now.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
July 31, 2019
Did Mueller Hearings Symbolize the Tattered Fabric of Our Country?
By Elayne Savage, PhD
I found exchanges between congressional committee members and Robert Mueller unsettling: There was awkwardness and discontinuity and too much grandstanding. I was surprised to hear the extent of the anger and sarcasm.
I kept seeing an image of a tattered American flag that someone had tried to stitch back together. For me it symbolized the ripped fabric of our country.
Watching Robert Mueller struggle at times to find the precise word was especially painful for me. I was reminded of my own life-long struggles with words.
I, too, try to be precise but it takes effort. Most of my life dyslexia and mild ADHD have interfered with grabbing just the right word – and it doesn’t get any easier as I get older!
I’m pretty good at explaining concepts, presenting difficult, sophisticated ideas in easy to understand language. Yet exact words and phrases often elude me and finding the right words can be a struggle.
Writing these blogs over the last 12 years I find I can easily knock out a rudimentary first draft, but making it articulate can take hours.
How The Media Outdid Themselves with Ridicule
Seems to me many media outlets missed the point of Mueller’s need for precision. They portrayed his seeming struggles for choosing the right word as a deficit and made it a focus of attention.
They were ridiculing him for not remembering certain statements made in the report. How hard would it be to figure out that he didn’t write every word himself.
In her recent post my professional speaking colleague and friend Francine Ward, Esq. says it better than I ever could:
“Funny how many folks made snarky comments about Mueller not remembering what was in the 500 pages of a document his office prepared months ago.
I wonder how many of the complainants (who own homes) can recall every word in the mortgage agreements they signed? Or can readily recall the terms of use they agreed to when signing up for Facebook? Or, can easily recall what’s in the trust, will, or power of attorney they signed?
Further, if anyone has ever been a witness in a litigation, and not remembered everything asked of them, they may recall having their recollection refreshed by the lawyer offering a document for them to review.”
Mueller was clear he did not want to testify - and that everything he had to say was in the 448 pages of the report and he would not expand on it.
So Congress went ahead and subpoenaed him, hoping he would expand on the written statements. Why were they so surprised when he gave only one or two word answers, not adding much. I guess I was surprised to hear him being criticized for his brevity. I can’t count how many times during congressional hearings I’ve heard committee members chide witnesses: “Just give me a yes or no answer.” Did these guidelines change for Mr. Mueller?
His answers showed how reluctant he was to be there and how reticent he was about adding more detail to what was described in print.
Reluctance, Resistance and Reticence
So let’s talk a bit about reticence.
I’ve worked with hundreds of reluctant and reticent teens (and adults as well.) At first I never expect to get much more than yeses and noes and if lucky maybe a few ad-ons. Almost always the holding back decreases as we move forward.
This kind of withholding can involve many variations: resistance, stalling, foot dragging, yes-butting, only minimally complying and even a form of sabotaging.
The term used in psychology books for these kinds of behaviors is ‘passive aggressive.’ However, I find the actual description of these behaviors is more useful.
We got what we were promised. Mueller clearly stated he would be staying within the confines of the four corners of the Special Counsel report. And he did just that. Even maintaining composure in the face of flaring temper and disrespectful questioning.
Magical Thinking and Unrealistic Expectations
And when the hearings were over it’s interesting to speculate what brought on the often vicious, critical comments by the media and public. My guess is it was the amount of ‘magical thinking’ permeated the whole affair.
I often write about how unrealistic expectations can lead to disappointments. When expectations are not realized these disappointments can result in feeling cheated, jilted, rejected by, alienated from and angry at the person who disappointed you. Flickr: Pompin1
Sometimes as adults, we revert to the magical thinking of our childhood, when we lived midway between the world of magic and the world of reality and all things were possible.
Back then we believed we were the center of the world and our wishful thoughts could make things happen.
Magical thinking is a normal part of childhood development, but in the adult world it can be a setup for disappointment.
“In the fantastic world of a two-year-old, all things are possible,” says Selma Fraiberg in The Magic Years.
Fact and fantasy are confused because they’re fused together in the child’s mind, and their thinking style is dominated by fantasies and wishes.
The child feels he or she is the center of the world, believing that wishful thinking will make things happen. In this magical world the child also attributes various wondrous powers to other people or object.
With the arrival of secondary process thinking, at six or seven years old the child begins the age of reason, developing the ability to follow the rules of logic and taking external reality into consideration.
But sometimes, even though we’re grown up, we revert to magical thinking, and this leads us to repeated disappointments in life.
(From Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection)
Disappointments and Resentment
When we put someone on a pedestal and see them as an icon, the higher they are, the further and faster they tumble once they disappoint us. Too often we feel hurt and even rejected by people we care about because they didn’t, or couldn’t, or wouldn’t be what we need them to be. Sometimes we take it personally.
And sometimes folks overreact. Many of the media outlets actually surprised me by the depth of their venom.
Imagine criticizing someone because they asked for clarification to a muddled, jumbled, disordered, complex question. As a therapist and speaker I always want to be sure of the meaning of a question or statement. It feels unethical to try to guess and not clarify.
Many years ago I decided to get hearing aids as soon as I realized I was sometimes confusing consonants in therapy sessions. (Interestingly my audiologist thinks my hearing loss probably started when I was very young. I remembered an uncle told me several years ago: “You always pretended you couldn’t hear when you were little.” So it seems I've strained to hear since childhood and I recently learned I have developed an auditory processing problem which often accompanies hearing loss.)
And for 35 years I’ve been coaching therapy and workplace clients on how to check out meaning and request clarification. It’s especially difficult for those of us who grew up in families where the ‘rule’ was to avoid definition and clarification and never ask questions.
Nothing gets us into trouble in our relationships as much as responding when we are unclear about what someone means.
This is how I see 'communication problems':
Misunderstandings lead to hurt feelings, anger and resentment. Resentment takes up so much relationship space, there is barely room for connection.
How can we have productive conversations with partners, family, friends or business associates when there is no clear understanding of what is being said to each other?
And back to the hearings: Why would committee members and the media rush to judgement just because someone asks for clarification of a poorly stated question? And why did they try to outdo each other in attempting to leave the reputation of this witness in tatters?
Sure beats me. I'd love to hear your ideas on all of this.
More about how to ensure productive communication: Are You ‘Filling in the Blanks?’ Assuming the Worst? Feeling Rejected?
Until next month,
Elayne
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
June 30, 2019
Body Language Between Putin and Trump
by Elayne Savage, PhD
Still from video/G20 summit (Reuters)
A lot of fuss is being made about a certain recorded conversation between Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin at the G20 summit in Osaka, Japan. You probably know the discussion I mean.
From Reuters:
Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin spoke to reporters in Osaka, Japan, ahead of their first formal face-to-face meeting since a controversial summit in Helsinki last July and the mid-April release of U.S. Special Counsel Robert Mueller's report on Russian election meddling.
Asked by reporters if he would raise the issue during their meeting, held on the sidelines of a Group of 20 (G20) summit, Trump said: "Yes, of course I will," drawing a laugh from Putin.
Trump then turned to Putin to give the directive twice, as he wagged a finger at the Russian leader. "Don't meddle in the election, please," Trump said.
https://mobile.reuters.com/article/amp/idUSKCN1TT0NL
Seems to me Mr.Trump was smirking and laughing as he shook his finger and said to Putin, “Don’t meddle.”
This attempt at levity has been upsetting to many in the face of what many consider a serious national security situation.
Let ’s look at the Body Language between Mr. Putin and Mr. Trump
What interested me most however is when I noticed the postures of both men: Trump as usual was slumped in his seat, feet planted firmly on the floor, his hands clasped in his lap, tips of his fingers touching, forming a triangle. You know the pose, we’ve seen it many times.
The usually rigid and stiff Putin sat sort of slouched, feet apart, leaning forward, with his hands clasped in his lap.
I recognized right away what he was doing because I’ve done the same hundreds of times myself. He was imitating Trump’s posture.
Someone else noticed it too. Later that day I heard Frank Figliuzzi, former FBI Assistant Director for Counterintelligence describe on TV his own impressions:
“You can see Putin mirroring the posture of Trump. Putin has very rigid posture but he’s leaning over, shoulders slouched as Trump often does. That helps Trump feel not only comfortable but that he is aligned and allied with Putin.”
There indeed is comfort in the familiar.
This mirroring of one person by another is a way of building rapport and trust with someone by copying their verbal and physical behaviors: their movements, gestures, rate of speech, phrases, pauses, or their language.
For example if a client or prospect talks fast or loudly or slowly or softly you might decide to
Therapists Often Mirror
When I was in therapy graduate school I was taught how effective mirroring can be in connecting with a client, making them comfortable with you and putting them at ease.
The term I learned 35 years ago was “mimesis” described by renowned Structural Family Therapist Salvador Minuchin.
"Mimesis" is an idea used by Plato and Aristotle and is derived from the Greek verb mimeisthai, which means "to imitate.”
In therapy or coaching sessions with clients my way of connecting is by being open, receptive, interested and transparent. To be honest, I also often do some mirroring as well –– often without even realizing it.
I’ll find myself leaning forward or back; crossing or uncrossing my legs; resting my chin in my hand; lowering my voice – and then I realize I’m actually replicating my clients movements or gestures or tone. Because I’ve used mirroring for 35 years, it has really become automatic.
And So Do Sales Reps and Realtors
My realtor and sales assoiate acquaintances see it as a part of “prospecting” - when even during a phone cold-call they intentionally join with the person by mirroring their tone of voice or cadence or pitch and even some of their phrases.
And Interviewees Too
Along with having great eye contact and using phrases from the company’s website, mirroring is another sure-fire skill for successful job interviews.
I’ve been coaching applicants on doing interviews for decades and most have never considered including appropriate mirroring.
The Art of Persuasion
“Mirroring” is a well-known component of the Art of Persuasion, along with eye contact, being receptive, varying pitch and volume, nodding in agreement, frequently using the other person’s name in conversation, and using the 'Feel-Felt-Found' formula
“I understand how you feel.”
“Many people have felt that way.”
“And then they found . . .”
Over the years mirroring has opened up a whole new world for me of ways to connect with people. What about for you?
Do you have stories to tell?
I’d love to hear them.
You can contact me by email: elayne@QueenofRejection.com
or in the comments section on my blog site:
www.TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com
Until next month,
Elayne
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
May 30, 2019
After Banning Abortion: What Happens to Children and Families?
There seems to be a state by state race by legislators to ban and criminalize abortion. But I don’t hear anyone talking about what will become of these ‘saved’ infants.
Some parents are able to competently cope with unintended pregnancies. Others fear they can’t manage. Maybe they want to finish school and get a job before they start a family. Maybe they are not old enough or mature enough or capable enough to responsibly raise and protect a child.
Who Will Insure The Safety and Security of These Children?
I know first hand about unplanned for and unwanted infants being born to parents who are not able to provide a safe environment.
I was a Child Protective Services Social Worker in San Francisco in the years before Roe v. Wade. I guess I saw just about every type of trauma and neglect and abuse and exploitation and abandonment you can imagine.
Whenever I hear about parents mistreating and abusing their children I can’t help but wonder if that child was born wanted and welcomed –– or were they resented and rejected.
Let’s take a look at what goes into providing a safe, secure, loving, protected environment:
So what happens to a child who grows up with a lack of acceptance, poor hygiene, deficient medical and dental care and with fear and anxiety instead of security and safety?
In my CPS years there were many situations I observed where parents were not able to be responsible to the well-being of their children. Instead of acceptance and validation there would be frequent belittling, shaming, scolding and criticizing.
I’ll never forget the day I watched a 14 year old mother grabbing her toddler’s hand and sort of dragging her along the sidewalk, as if the child were a rag doll.
Or the many times I found piles of dirt and animal feces on the floor where young children were playing. One home was so infested with roaches there were even dozens living in the refrigerator.
I knew about young children burned or hurt when they were left unattended for several hours.
I heard stories from teachers about children being ostracized because they smelled so badly from not bathing or unwashed clothes.
I remember one woman teaching her young child to crawl under tables in restaurants to steal billfolds from purses on the floor. This little girl was 3 years old!
This memory still haunts me: One day when I showed up for an appointment and the mother had just instructed her daughters aged 7 and 9 to walk their dog to the vet –– to have him euthanized. She insisted the children take him there but she refused to accompany them – they were on their own. I just couldn’t stand by and watch this play out so I went with them. Thinking about that day makes me want to cry.
© Can Stock Photo / studiostoks
The Long, Long, Long-Term Traumatizing Effects of Abuse and Neglect
Child Abuse and Neglect is "an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm” or “results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation."
More about definitions –– from the Child Welfare Information Gateway
The list of possible long-term effects is endless: low self-esteem, fear, anxiety, depression, self-rejection, trust issues in work and personal relationships. Rejection and fear of rejection continue throughout their lives and trusting becomes a life-long struggle.
In Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection I write: “Fear and anxiety are constant companions to abused children. They live on edge, just waiting for the abuse to come again. It’s not a matter of if it comes, but when it comes . . . . this ever-present anxiety . . . becomes a part of their identity and follows them into adult relationships.
More on the long-term effects of abuse and neglect:
A Spanking or Beating or Whipping or Whuppin? – TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com
The Child Abuse Reporting Act came into effect in 1963 requiring only physicians to report abuse. In 1980 the Child Abuse and Neglect Reporting Act expanded the definition of mandated reporters of suspected child abuse and neglect. This list of reporters keeps growing and has now grown to 46 in some states!
A good example of a complete list of mandated reporters is provided in the California Penal Code (PC) section 11165.7.
When Removing a Child is the Only Way to Keep Them Safe
I hated having to go to Juvenile Court when a child was endangered to testify about the unhealthy or unsafe or life-threatening living situation. Sometimes the only way to protect a child is by removing the child from the family home and, if there was no reliable relative, placing him or her in foster care.
The hope was to provide a safe place for the child while social workers and community resources were working with the family to insure the child could return to their family and be safe and secure. Sometimes this meant providing parenting education, sometimes providing housekeeping assistance, sometimes attending to stress and overwhelm.
But it didn’t always work the way we hoped.
Years later, when I was a Long-term Placement social worker and was visiting residential facilities, I came across some of the same children I had removed years before. Now they were teens and still stuck in the system because their families were unable to provide a safe enough home environment for them to return to.
Can you imagine how heartbreaking it was meeting these kids again all those years later?
Does Saving Fetuses Really Mean We Are Saving Children?
So back to my question: If abortion is banned what’s going to happen to the children? When mothers who do not want to bring a child into this world are not given a choice, how can we guarantee these babies will be born into safe, secure, loving, protected environments? How can we be sure they will not be rejected or neglected or abused or exploited or abandoned?
(Yes, I am aware adoption could be a choice and there certainly is lots of money to be made for some people, however the emotional considerations are huge and would have to be carefully considered.)
And resentment often permeated the families I knew. I saw many children raised by resentful parents. This was especially true if they were conceived from a rape or incest. I saw the stress of expecting a new baby sometimes leading to domestic violence, putting both the mother and the fetus in danger. I saw the existing children suffering in already severely stressed families when arrival of the newborn caused extra pressure on family members.
And the system for protecting at-risk children is already severely overburdened. If they have to be placed outside of the home to protect them and there are no capable available relatives, where are they going to go?
Will We Be Going Backwards?
Stories have been emerging about the precarious and desperate times before Roe v. Wade. The most common methods used to terminate pregnancies were falling down stairs or ingesting poisons or using instruments like coat hangers, to try to induce an abortion. Sure, relatively safe abortions were available if you had the right word-of-mouth connections and could afford to pay, but there were way too many back-alley deaths.
Will women and their families be facing this anguish again if the courts decide we have to go backwards to that dark place.
The Connection Between Childhood Maltreatment, Delinquency and Criminality
Clearly lots children who were traumatized developed the resilience and opportunities to become productive and accomplished adults.
However, studies show a connection between incarceration and childhood abuse and neglect.
Keep in mind we cannot assume that most abused children will become law-violating teens and adults. We do know, however, that many incarcerated juveniles and adults have a history of being abused and rejected.
And as many of you know from my blogs and speaking programs that I see rejection as the overlay of all types abuse and neglect. Rejection leads to self-rejection affecting self-esteem, self-assurance, self-respect, self-confidence, self-regard and self-adequacy.
A few years ago I was presenting skill-building workshops within the walls of San Quentin State Prison. The series was on what I know best: how to not take rejection and disappointment so personally. This voluntary Success Programs’ skill-building course was presented to highly motivated medium security inmates. Most of them were in for non-violent crimes — such as stealing to support their addictions.
‘Don’t Take It Personally!’ was popular reading from the prison library and I could tell they ‘got’ the message of the book and workshops when several told me:
“If I had understood about my early rejection and why I take things so personally, the pressure wouldn’t have led me to need the drugs and to go out and steal for them.”
Legislators in some of the states newly banning abortion are admitting the grand plan is that this legal maneuvering will lead to SCOTUS overturning Roe.
So with the move to criminalize abortion and take away choice, what can we do to guarantee these unwanted babies will not grow up to be rejected and mistreated and possibly even become criminals themselves?
Let’s continue this conversation. Your thoughts?
© Elayne Savage
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keyno