Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

Election Campaign 2024: Rejections, Accusations and Psychological Projections

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

      © Can Stock Photo / Sangoiri

 

Here we go again – another political season when campaigning brings on psychological projection full force!

 

Since TipsFromtheQueenofRejection.com  was born in 2006 I’ve blogged about projection 26 times! Mostly piggy-backing on news related to full of examples related to politics and politicians!

 

I’m so amazed by the distortions and finger-pointing during campaigning. Especially unsettling have been the doses of threats and fear mongering and distractions and deflections and denial.

 

So Let’s Define Projection

 

Psychological projection is the tendency to unconsciously see certain traits in another person –– traits you cannot acknowledge them in yourself.

 

One person blames the other for their own unacceptable behavior, undesirable thoughts and feelings, or their own limitations. 

 

They may be projecting onto you their own dark side, their own blind spots.

 

If our family or peers or society has deemed something "unacceptable," it is not safe for this to show up in our interactions and we tend to submerge it. These traits become our 'shadow side’, sometimes called our ‘dark side.’

 

And if they do start to pop up, we can feel really uncomfortable. Anytime we have unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears our anxiety level can shoot up.

 

So most of us have a tendency to protect ourselves from experiencing this anxiety when these undesirable thoughts intrude.

 

A common way to cope with and tame the anxiety is to unconsciously attribute these thoughts or feelings to another person or group.

 

We may accuse them of the same types of behaviors that we find incompatible with how we need to see ourselves.

 

Too Hot to Handle

 

Have you noticed how traits, behaviors, ideas, thoughts or feelings you can't tolerate in others are often the very things you can’t stand about yourself?

 

These might include anger, sadness, fears, insecurities, vulnerabilities, and dependency. It might include your tendency to be stubborn or flirtatious or bad or too loud or pushy or competitive or controlling.

 

It might include your own unacceptable behavior, undesirable thoughts and feelings, or your own limitations. 

 

So when a thought or fear is too hot to handle we want to get rid of it – and quickly. That's when you might toss it over to someone else – and partners, family, friends or co-workers are handy recipients.

 

One person tends to blame the other for their own unacceptable thoughts or behavior. By attributing the thought to them, you can often rid yourself of the that uncomfortable anxiety that it brings up. And you may even blame the other person for showing these feelings.

 

Projection is like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space — for safekeeping.

 

One woman says, “When we can’t own our own stuff, we try to give it away. I guess you could say that projection protects us from ourselves by spreading the garbage around.”

 

Psychological Projection to the Rescue

 

When undesirable thoughts or feelings intrude we can get anxious. Projection is an unconscious way of protecting ourselves from anxiety. It is a coping or defense mechanism for dealing with feelings we struggle to come to terms with.

 

When someone mistakenly imagines that certain thoughts or feelings exist in the other person that they cannot acknowledge in him or herself. They may be projecting their own dark side, their own blind spots.

 

About Those ‘Blind Spots’

 

Blind Spots are our own traits we don’t see, although others do;

 

I write in 'Breathing Room – Creating Space to Be a Couple':

“Parts of our personalities stay hidden from us because we learned at an early age that they were not acceptable to others, and, therefore, they become unacceptable to us. When we were children, we began to notice how we brought on someone’s displeasure by displaying certain emotions or behaviors. We said or did “bad” things that were rejected by others—so we submerged them." 

Unfounded accusations from parents, sibs, teachers, or peers. Accusations that didn't fit. And no wonder. The accuser was most likely talking about him or herself. It's hard not to take finger pointing personally. It certainly feels like a personal attack.

 

When family or society deems something unacceptable, we tend to submerge it. We relegate it to the depths of our being. And because it's not safe to show up, these traits become our 'shadow side.'

 

For example, Jerry grew up in a family where he was taught that his angry feelings are unacceptable and he learned to bury them at an early age. As an adult he cannot acknowledge any angry feelings he may be having.

 

He says to anyone who will listen, "I never get angry."  Well, he probably does. He just doesn't recognize the feeling as anger.

 

So what does Jerry do with this anger? How does he deal with the anxiety it creates? One way is he might unconsciously project it onto his partner (or friend or co-worker.) He may see the other person as 'the angry one, the one with the temper. The one with the problem.'

 

And he may cue or prod or even provoke that person to get angry.

 

In other words, his partner is expressing the anger for him. While he is calmly berating his partner about overreacting, he doesn't have to experience the anger as his own.

 

He doesn't have to own his anger or see himself as an angry person. The anger that he can’t deal with in himself is “out there” courtesy of his partner. He can deal with it vicariously.

 

In a similar way, the “never sad” person sees their own depressed moods only in the partner. And the partner unconsciously conforms to the projection and carries the sadness for them both.

 

The "always honest" or "always dependable" person might see another person as untrustworthy or manipulative or unreliable. A closer look would show that these are his or her own unacknowledged tendencies. 

 

Having blind spots indicates we are unable to see and acknowledge the unacceptable aspects of our own behavior. If we cannot see it then it is difficult to take responsibility or apologize for our actions.

 

Blind spots prevent us from seeing how hurtful our behavior can be because we have trouble stepping out of our own world and putting ourselves in the other persons shoes.

Because we cannot tolerate in others the very same traits we can’t stand about ourselves, we might find ourselves judging or criticizing others.

 

And when we cannot tolerate these feelings in ourselves this often leads to psychological projection – the tendency to see our own shortcomings in others.

 

So in order to deal with the discomfort of this Shadow Part – the disowned, submerged, painfully unacceptable part of ourselves, we often project this unacceptable dark side onto the other person, seeing our own emotions or behaviors or ideas or attitudes as existing in them.

 

Psychological projection exists in our personal and professional relationships . . . and big-time in the political arena.

 

Littering Along the Campaign Trail

 

Every day we see examples of projection on the campaign trail. Mostly it comes in the form of accusations made by one camp about the other.

 

Accusations about voter fraud, health care, tax plans, women’s reproductive rights, negative ads, immigration.  More accusations fly about who is to blame for the economic crisis and who is associated with the big players in the economic world.

 

And of course there are the accusations about the accusations. Whose ads are the most negative? Who is the most disrespectful or sleazy? The word used often in the media these days is "vile."

 

The mass of insinuations and projections in this election have been unsettling to my clients. It reminds them of all the projections they have experienced in their personal lives.

 

All those unfounded accusations from parents, sibs, teachers, or peers. Accusations that didn't fit. And no wonder. The accuser was most likely talking about him or herself.

 

It's hard not to take finger pointing personally. It certainly feels like a personal attack.

 

There is an old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing. When someone is pointing their finger at you, remind yourself that three fingers are pointing right back at the person pointing. The SNL folks got it right. It helps put things in perspective.

 

And when it feels personal, here is a a reminder worth repeating to yourself when you get that tarry feeling that someone is confusing their own anxieties with how they see you:

"This is not about me.
This is most likely about the other person.
They are probably talking about themselves.
What might they be saying?"

 

And this recent piece sums it up very well:

PROJECTION AS A POLITICAL WEAPON

by Chris Bell and Gary Senecal

From Unconscious Defense to Conscious Offense

 https://analytic-room.com/essays/projection-as-a-political-weapon-chris-bell-gary-senecal/

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
  

Both books are available on Kindle and 
DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! is now an Audio Book
 
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION f rom Amazon:

amzn.to/4fudKOy

Now also available in audio!

 

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:

amzn.to/2bAHmIL



REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: 
  You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.  The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.  
 
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.  
 
Contacting Elayne: 
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:

510-540-6230

www.QueenofRejection.com
[email protected]  
 
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:

Twitter@ElayneSavage

LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage

Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Why ‘Weird’ is Such a Loaded Word

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Image by Joshua Willson from Pixabay

 

Not at all surprising that Donald Trump and JD Vance get all upset by being called “weird. 

 

In fact I’m hearing from colleagues, friends and clients about how recent political behaviors are bringing up painful childhood memories of criticism, insults, accusations, taunts, lashing out, teasing, blaming, baiting or manipulating.

When Rejection Feels Like Self-Rejection and Feels Like Shame

 

I know very well what it’s like to grow up feeling ‘different’ or ‘defective’ or ‘weird.

Hearing he word 'weird' brings back many negative growing up memories of feeling less-than and unaccepted and left out by peers. I used to compare myself and feel self-conscious.

 

As a teen I often felt different from my peers – I lived in a small-ish house on a gravel road and wore hand-me-down clothes. I was often comparing myself to my schoolmates and coming up short.

 

As a child I moved so much that I had to constantly be trying to adjust to a new culture, new rules and new ways.

 

When I was nine, we moved from Washington, D.C. to Omaha, then back east to Baltimore when I was a senior in high school. I attended three grade schools and two high schools.

 

I remember feeling as if I were on the outside looking in, as if I didn’t belong anywhere.

 

One of the clearest memories I have of feeling left out was the first day of school in eighth grade. 

 

This was a week or so after the plane crash that killed my mother and grandmother and their photos had been all over the newspapers. 

 

I remember, about a week after the accident, the first day of the school term walking across the playing field toward the inner schoolyard. Students were clustered together but as soon as they spotted me, they stopped talking.

 

I just knew they had been talking about me, feeling sorry for me.

 

I remember feeling so different from everyone else, so alone, as if I was the only person in the world without a mother.

 

I felt so left out, ‘different’ ‘defective’ and yes, ‘weird.’ (And what a shock it was to learn decades later at a high school class reunion I learned that two other classmates had lost their mothers too! And each of us thought we were the only one without a mother!)

 

As you may guess, over the years feeling left out has triggered strong reactions for me.

 

Mostly I was feeling rejected—sometimes even abandoned and I began to pay attention to what was happening. 

 

First, I learned to recognize when those “left out” feelings begin to take over. Putting words to my feelings helped define the situation for me. 

 

Understanding this process changed the way I was able to respond to overwhelming situations. Now it’s easier to keep my balance and my composure. 

 

It helps when I ask myself a few questions here:

- Am I taking this personally?   How?

- Is there any cause for me to feel threatened?

- Am I feeling rejected in some way? Judged? Criticized?

- Is this an old message?

- Where did this reaction come from? 

 

I was able to take a moment and consider how much energy it is taking dwell on something so much.

 

And I ask myself, “Do I really want to put so much time and energy into this?”

 

So ‘walking alongside myself’ and noticing and naming this process allows space for:

 - recognizing options and making choices

- learning your blind spots—if you can't see it, you can't change it

- surveying the past — re-labeling works wonders

- transferring skills from one area to another

- grieving your rejection and disappointment losses, and moving forward 

           

By ‘noticing’ we are able to begin to identify and manage painful feelings of rejection that threaten to immobilize us. It may be an old feeling we recognize. It may even be the same one that caused so much confusion in childhood. 

 

It helps to remember that we can choose to stay immersed in this childhood pain — or we can make an effort to invite in our adult perspective. 

 

I keep reminding myself that I do have a choice, I can begin to feel in control of it — instead of allowing it to control me.

 

I Wouldn’t Talk to Someone Else the Way I Talk to Myself –

Self-Rejecting Messages

 

I hear these reflections all the time from both psychotherapy and workplace clients:

“I’m pathetic. If you really knew me, you wouldn’t like me.” 

“I’m really different from other people.”

“There’s something wrong with me.” 

or . . . “I’m kind of weird.” 

 

A man I know confides “When something goes wrong, I call myself terrible names. I see myself as some defective thing. I feel flawed, like something’s missing.”

 

So let’s focus on the way in which these self-rejecting messages manifest themselves in our daily lives and how they’ve come to control our behaviors.

 

“I’d Like Myself Better If I Could Just Be Someone Else”

 

We often spend our days thinking about how much better life would be if only we could be smarter, more attractive, taller, more witty, and on and on. 

 

Are you really saying to yourself that you’re not good enough the way you are? Self-rejecting messages come in all shapes and sizes, just like the people who are thinking them.

 

 How Self-Deprecating Can You Get?

 

What kinds of things do you tell yourself about yourself? Do you find fault with your looks? Do you think your ears are too big or too small? Your nose? Your chin? Are you always having a bad hair day? 

 

Besides the physical messages, there might be a bunch of psychological messages you tell yourself too—such as calling yourself “stupid” for missing a turnoff on the freeway, or “idiot” for leaving home without those letters you meant to mail.

 

Then there may be some social self- rejecting messages, such as feeling socially inept or unsophisticated — the “I can’t believe I said that (or did that)” variety.

 

The Big Blow-Up — Overgeneralizing

 

Another man calls himself names whenever he makes even a small mistake. If he accidentally spills even a small drop of food on his shirt he mutters, “Dunce!” He’s overgeneralizing of course—blowing things way out of proportion.

 

Perhaps it’s true you made a mistake in a specific situation, but when you start to tell yourself you always make mistakes, and that you’re stupid for making mistakes, you’re overgeneralizing.

 

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda . . .

 

This brings us to the “shoulds”—those self-critical, second-guessing messages such as “I should have done it better, differently, more gracefully, more quietly, more quickly, more perfectly.” 

 

What about cutting some slack and lightening up about those “shoulds”? Maybe you can practice telling yourself, “This isn’t a should-have-done, it’s a might-do-later.”

 

Hindsight is a great learning tool if you can refrain from flagellating yourself with the “shoulds.” Why not ask, “What did I learn from this? How can I do this differently next time?”

“Should have” is about the Past. “Next time” is about the Future. 

 

Try Saying ‘Thank You!’

 

Accepting compliments is an important step on the road to self-acceptance.

 

By rejecting compliments we’re also rejecting ourselves. Many of us put a lot of energy into not letting compliments in or pushing them away. We excel at making excuses or habitual self-deprecating responses. 

 

Sometimes we can’t even hear the words when something positive is being said to us. I became aware I’d see someone’s mouth moving but no words were coming out. 

 

I finally figured out that perhaps something nice was being said to me, but I sure wasn’t letting it come in. 

 

If we don’t feel accepted enough in childhood, as adults we may spend way too much energy seeking signs of caring. 

 

While part of us keeps hoping that we’ll magically receive the love we want from others, another part still expects that people will disappoint us.

 

And disappointment too often feels like rejection.

 

Early Messages Become Your Beliefs About Yourself and Your World

and the People In It

 

How you explained these hurt feelings in childhood, and what you told yourself when these experiences occurred, constitutes the messages you carry into your adult years. 

 

These messages become your beliefs about yourself and your world and the people in it, affecting your ability to trust and feel safe and secure... or not.

 

And too often we find ourselves holding on to these old beliefs. 

 

I know it sounds weird, but maintaining these negative expectations actually serves a useful purpose, offering a kind of security because they’re familiar and giving a sense of order and organization to our experiences. 

 

Without this sense of order we feel unbalance and confused. It is often easier to hold on to an old belief than to change it

 

Here’s why:

If we threaten the beliefs we’ve developed about ourselves, it could throw us off balance, so we learn not to allow new information in. 

 

New is risky. If we dare to let in favorable stuff from others, we might risk anxiety. 

 

The bottom line is that we’re more comfortable with our old beliefs. I know a screenwriter who says she is so used to rejection that she actually gets anxious when a producer likes her work. Acceptance is so foreign to her, it makes her nervous.

 

Because of this need to feel ‘comfortable,’ we often develop a system that filters messages. We become selective about what we take in from others. From the time we’re little we learn to filter out messages that could threaten our belief system and upset our sense of order and organization. And how do we filter? By blocking or distorting messages.

 

We not only block out positive messages, but we add a constant stream of negative messages as well, audio distortions that sound like “you’re bad” or “not good enough” or “not smart enough” or “weird.”

 

One of the most basic tools I know for practicing self-acceptance is to practice accepting compliments from others. For example, when a compliment is offered to you, what about responding with a simple, “Thank you”? 

 

What about practicing saying “thank you?” Accepting a compliment is an important first step toward self-acceptance. But for some of us, it takes lots of practice until we find a way to get comfortable with it. 

(More or less from Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection)

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD
  

Until next month

Elayne

'Pebbling' is Small Acts of Caring – What better Way to Show Respect?

by Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

I was planning to write about respect this month because it seems to be the focus of so many clients these days regarding all kinds of relationships: friendships, romantic, and work related.   
 
But then the other day I came across a headline asking “Can Pebbling Really Help You and Your Partner Grow Closer?”

https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/pebbling-really-help-partner-grow-110000532.html
 

Pebbling???

I just love this background: the term pebbling comes from the mating habits of gentoo penguins in Antarctica. When a young male penguin wants to find a mate he carefully chooses a smooth shiny stone to bring to the female he is interested in. If the female accepts, together they bring more stones to build their nest.
 
I had not heard this term before and didn’t know what ‘pebbling’ means. But I recognize the concept of “doing small, kind actions to show someone you care about them.”
 
Actually for several decades this has been one of my favorite themes in my books and my workshops and my therapy and coaching sessions. 
 
I’ve been calling it “small acts of caring.” Which is a terrific way to validate relationships.

. . . AND also a terrific way to re-balance misunderstandings and hurt feelings and taking things personally.  
 
These acts are really about respecting and acknowledging and appreciating. So looks like I’m finding myself actually writing about respect.
 
Offering to help out with an errand or grocery shop or to take care of having the car serviced or to offer to drop off and/or pick up the dry cleaning or picking up a little special dessert.  Other forms of pebbling could be an online “hi” message during the day, or a text message sharing a news story about a common interest. 
 
I’m sharing from both of my books a few caveats on 'caring'... 
 
Caring is Not Symmetrical 
 
It’s helpful to remember that the style of one person may be different from the other, especially if each person grew up in a very different type of family with very different ways of showing caring.
 
Or in a family which did not know how to show caring.
 
And there are just as many ways of missing someone’s intentions because their style of caring is so different from our own.
 
A woman I know was often disappointed when her partner didn’t say or do things to show he cared. 
 
“Some of the things he does are silly — not very significant,” she would complain. 
 
“For instance, on our recent trip to France, one morning Gary stopped the car, went into a patisserie, and came out with a huge piece of cake that was mostly icing. He handed it to me, saying, ‘I thought you’d like this.’
 
“Well I ate it, even though 9 A.M. did seem a little early for all that icing.”
 
She’s very practical and generally doesn’t like surprises, it reminds her too much of growing up in her unpredictable family. 
 
He likes to plan small unexpected surprises. His dad used to do the same with his mom. 
 
Gary’s little surprises are his way of giving to her, it’s the best way he knows to show he cares, and he can’t understand why she gets upset with him. 
 
In their relationship, he provides a lot of “icing” when she has “cake” in mind. 
 
“I can’t believe I used to get so upset,” she says. “Now I realize how he does things in his little Gary ways

to make me happy, and I’ve been overlooking his intentions all this time.”
 

'Not Thinking' Does Not Mean 'Not Caring'

 

A student complains, “I always offer him rides because he doesn’t have a car on campus.”
 
When her car was in the shop for repairs for several days he actually had his father’s car.
 
“He didn’t even think to offer me a ride those two weeks to run errands.” 

It didn’t occur to her he just doesn't 'think' in the caring way she does.
 
Seems she was equating “not thinking” with “not caring.

 

Making Amends
 

This story is about two friends, Penny and Martha, who were having a hurtful misunderstanding and their previous respect for each other was rapidly turning into resentment. This was during a time when Penny was busy working on a political campaign and Martha felt ignored.
 
When they came to see me to try to work things out, I suggested creating ‘amends’ that each could do — little acts of caring.
 
Penny’s ‘amend’ was she wanted Martha to take her to lunch at a new, kind of pricey restaurant. 
 
Martha wanted Penny to call her once a week for three months, which is the amount of time she felt ignored while Penny was working so many hours on the political campaign.
 
And what did Martha want Penny to say in the phone call as an act of caring?
 “Hi, Martha, I’m thinking about you.”
 
By the way, the workplace invites lots of opportunities to do some pebbling too. Many  ways to sometimes make someone’s job a little lighter.

 

Do you have a great example of 'pebbling?'  Either about good experiences or about misunderstandings.

I'd love to hear from you: email me at [email protected] or on the comments section in the box below...
 
© Elayne Savage, PhD
 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
 Both books are available on Kindle and

DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! is now an Audio Book

 

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:

amzn.to/4fudKOy

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:


amzn.to/2bAHmIL


REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
 You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.  The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.  

 

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.  

 

Contacting Elayne: 
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:


510-540-6230


www.QueenofRejection.com
[email protected]  

 

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:


Twitter@ElayneSavage


LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage


Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

 
 
 
 

FactChecking the Biden-Trump Debate – My Impressions of Theater of the Absurd

By Elayne Savage PhD

 

 

Sure has been tons of commentary and interpretations about the Trump/Biden debate. 

 

I had profound reactions to both candidates.  And it turns out I had some very different observations and conjectures than has been reported by most media. 

 

I just blame it on my tendency to respect my intuitive sense - to trust my gut. Not that I am ever sure I am !00% right – but often I am.

 

So this blog is very personal – I'm describing here my experiences of watching, the awful feeling in the pit of my stomach from both candidates and the overwhelming feelings that were coming up for me.

 

There has been a lot of chatter about Donald Trump's larger-then-life presence dominating Biden's seemingly barely-existent energy.

 

But for me, Donald Trump's 'bigness' felt uncomfortably familiar – all puffed up like the bullies who used to terrorize me when I was a child playing in the alley between the Washington DC brick rowhouses.

 

 

Feeling Intimidated

 

Donald Trump is a formidable opponent! Especially when he puffs himself up and assumes his bully stance. He did it on The Apprentice and he continues to play the role in real life.

 

When someone puffs up like this they take up a lot of space. It doesn't leave much room for the other person.

 

And they become diminished.

 

And it seemed to me that this is what was happening to Joe Biden – as Trump became larger-then-life, Biden became smaller . . . and smaller.

 

 

Ambivalence is ‘Feeling Stuck’

 

The first thought that kept nagging at me throughout the debate was how I found myself wondering if, in fact, Joe Biden might be struggling with an unidentified conflict - feeling torn between wanting to run again and conflicted about running again. I kept returning to the thought throughout the debate.

 

I have heard so many therapy and coaching clients describe "feeling stuck" when they are struggling with ambivalence. 

 

And I have certainly struggled with this internal argument myself – many times.

 

This state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something is ambivalence. 

 

"l want to run again /I don’t want to run again”

"I can do it/ maybe I can't."

 

I blogged about my struggles with ambivalence when I was to trying to publish my first blog in 2007:

 

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2006/12/whispers_and_ro.html

 

Too often when we find ourselves in this kind of a stuck place, we end up doing some unconscious self-sabotaging. I sure know I sometimes do.

 

 

Freezing and Blanking Out

 

There has been lots of speculation about Joe Biden’s stumbling over words and silences.

 

As a professional speaker and an often-interviewed author over the last 25 years, I sure know the feeling of blanking out on a phrase or a word. 

 

Having nearby notes in case I need a word has always been my security blanket.

Always makes me really nervous to not have my blanky handy.

 

Sometimes my memory lapses are due to nervousness, but more often due to my ADHD.

 

One time, just before I was ready to leave for a National Speakers event to present a mini training, I received the news that a family friend had been murdered.

 

I physically showed up to the event but was really not emotionally present and had several blank-outs during my short presentation. 

 

Watching Joe Biden's demeanor at the beginning of the debate I was reminded of that nightmare experience and found myself wondering if he might have just been made aware of some disturbing information that absorbed his attention.

 

I was pretty sure Donald Trump would repeat many of the out-and out lies he has been campaigning with, but I was shocked at the hugeness of his lies during the debate – much worse then I imagined it would be.  I could see from Joe Biden’s open-mouthed expression that he, too, was totally blown away by the number and inflation of the lies.

 

And I'm sure my mouth was dropping open as well.

 

The expression I read in Biden’s eyes was “I can’t believe yet another lie, and another and another.”

 

And I’m sure my eyes were showing the same kind of disbelief.

 

Actually I was aware that some of my disbelief was that the CNN moderators were clearly not going to call out any of the exaggerations and outright lies coming out of the mouths of either Donald Trump or Joe Biden.

 

I kept thinking I saw a look of "where are you? Why aren't you saying something?

 

When someone makes up lies about something, it is always especially hard for me when it feels like they are dismissing my own perceptions that I know I saw with my own eyes or heard with my own ears.

 

 

“You’re Imagining It”

 

The message is all to familiar from my childhood and I have a huge visceral reaction: 

 

“It’s all in your mind.”

 

"I didn't say that."  

 

"Why would you think that?"

 

“You’re imagining it”

 

My stomach still knots up when someone lies to me and disputes my reality. Certainly we each might have a different perception – I’m talking here about intentional lying which is gaslighting.

 

 

Gaslighting

 

Outright, purposeful lying is gaslighting because it is an attempt to manipulate reality.

 

I have blogged many times in the past about gaslighting:

Here is one example:

 

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2021/02/describing-the-capitol-siege-like-a-performance-piece.html

 

 

Exaggerating vs. Outright Lying 

 

You probably are aware that several media outlets have been comparing what they call Biden's 'exaggerations' and 'misstatements' with what they call Trump's 'lies':

 

Here are some links :

 

AP:  https://apnews.com/article/fact-check-misinformation-election-debate-trump-biden-577507522762aa10f6ee5be3a0ced2bb

 

FOX: https://www.livenowfox.com/news/presidential-debate-fact-biden-trump-false-claims.amp

 

FactCheck.org: https://www.factcheck.org/2024/06/factchecking-the-biden-trump-debate/

 

PBS: https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/fact-checking-the-claims-biden-and-trump-made-during-the-debate

 

CNN: https://amp.cnn.com/cnn/2024/06/27/politics/fact-checking-the-cnn-presidential-debate

 

There are many many more articles  – Just google something like 'Trump Biden debate lies.'

 

 

Accusations of Getting High and Getting Over-Energized

 

Another observation I had watching the debate was remembering all the pre-debate accusations by the Trump team that Biden would be ‘high’ on stimulant energy drinks like caffeine or Red Bull, or Mountain Dew or even drugs like Adderall.

 

This Adderall accusation about Biden brought back déjà vu memories of 2 years ago when there were quite a few speculations about whether Trump might have been over-using Adderall.

 

Hey, most of us can use an energy boost once in a while.  I can sure use one if I have a late evening client or a deadline.  I’m a big fan of using a couple sprays of vitamin B12 into my mouth for a boost of energy when I need it!

 

During this debate we could definitely see by his low energy that  Biden probably was not using stimulants.

 

I found myself wondering if he or his team might have been concerned he would be asked by the moderators about (or accused by Trump of) using energy/performance enhancing drugs, and he was wanting to be able to truthfully say “no.” 

 

I found myself thinking he sure could have used a swig or two of Donald Trump’s caffeine-laced Diet Cokes! 

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

Did you watch the debate? Wondering what your impressions and observations were.

 

^{NEW NOTE: Wanting to add this recent development from the Supreme Court a few days after the debate:}

On 7/1/24 the U.S. Supreme Court majority ruled that presidents — including former President Donald Trump — have immunity from prosecution when carrying out “official acts.”

“Under our constitutional structure of separated powers, the nature of Presidential power entitles a former President to absolute immunity from criminal prosecution for actions within his conclusive and preclusive constitutional authority,” the court wrote. “And he is entitled to at least presumptive immunity from prosecution for all his official acts. There is no immunity for unofficial acts.”

^{Justice Sonia Sotomayor wrote how the ruling, makes a “mockery of the principle” that no one is above the law."}

^{“The relationship between the President and the people he serves has shifted irrevocably. In every use of official power, the President is now a king above the law.”}

^{…With fear for our democracy, I dissent.”}

^{A king above the law? Wow - Amazing timing!}

^{Just think, the Supreme Court of the United States is giving what many consider to be king-like power to US Presidents just 3 days before we were about to celebrate the 255th year of our Independence from the rule of English kings!}  

 

And more recently: I am really bothered by the Secret Service not protecting Donald Trump, in fact leaving him exposed to the possibility of a repeated attack.  That's supposed to be their job. Is there some reason when they were warned about possible danger they did nothing to avert it?  

 

As I watched, the whole thing felt like a surreal Pinter or Beckett or Pirandello play. But then the debate also felt like watching Theater of the Absurd.

 

Would love to hear about your observations . . .

 

Until next month, 

 

Elayne

 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
 Both books are now available on Kindle!  

 

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
 
To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL


REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
 You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.  The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.  

 

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.  

 

Contacting Elayne: 
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:


510-540-6230


www.QueenofRejection.com
[email protected]  

 

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:


Twitter@ElayneSavage


LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage


Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

A Smile and A Nod and A Hello

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

iStock

 

 

'The Epidemic of Loneliness' has been a popular topic lately.

 

 

Research and Reports and Stories and Books and Blogs and Podcasts — Oh my.

 

 

For Example: 

From NPR: America has a loneliness epidemic. Here are 6 steps to address it.

https://www.npr.org/2023/05/02/1173418268/loneliness-connection-

 

 

As a psychotherapist and workplace coach, I have a front row seat to hearing stories about struggles with loneliness –– and it’s frequent companion, hopelessness.

 

 

Remember how hard it was to feel connected to others during our 

Co-vid restrictions!

 

 

And many of us are still struggling with missing a feeling of connection and feeling lonely. 

 

 

Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy said loneliness can impact people in a variety of ways, so understanding the signs is the first step to addressing it:

 

"Some people react to loneliness by withdrawing and getting quiet. Others react to loneliness by becoming irritable and angry, and they may lash out more," he said. "That's why sometimes it takes a little time to really reflect on what's happening in our life. And sometimes we need somebody else to tell us, 'Hey, you've been withdrawing more' to help us understand that we might actually be dealing with loneliness."

 

 

I recently sold my house in Berkeley where I have lived for over 50 (!) years. I moved to Rossmoor, an 1800 acre over-55 senior community. 

 

 

Unpacking a gazillion boxes, even with my daughter and granddaughter’s amazing help, was overwhelming.

 

 

Even with often seeing Berkeley area friends and making new friends here, sometimes I feel kinda lonely. 

 

 

A Smile and a Nod and a Hello

 

It was refreshing to be reminded of a simple behavior I actually used to do many years ago - but somehow as life got busy, it fell by the wayside.

 

 

A Smile and a Nod and a Hello

 

Numerous studies in recent years warn of the mental and physical dangers of loneliness –– especially for Seniors.

 

 

Dr. Murthy told All Things Considered:

 

"In the last few decades, we've just lived through a dramatic pace of change. We move more, we change jobs more often, we are living with technology that has profoundly changed how we interact with each other and how we talk to each other.

 

 

Lottye Clayton who I recently “met” when she posted on Next Door about her recent experience, has an incredibly wise and simple answer for feeling connected to others: A Smile and a Nod and a Hello... 

 

 

I’m grateful to Lottye for giving me permission to share her story with you.

 

A Smile and a Nod and a Hello

 

From Lottye:

 

“Just feel the need to share:  Alone, this morning at a breakfast restaurant and feeling alone, I was so uplifted when a young boy who appeared to be "middle" school age, following his family to the table next to mine, nodded his head toward me, smiling, to acknowledge my presence.

 

I was impressed and admired him for his friendliness. Later, his mother, I assumed, made eye contact with me and said, "How are you this morning." I replied, and thanked her. She continued, "We have a lovely day today." I agreed. 

 

I sat there thinking about her son whose friendly gesture had so impressed me. Maybe he learned this human kindness from his Mom. 

 

How little energy it takes to just acknowledge another person's humanity by a smile or a friendly nod, as this young boy did. 

 

I greatly appreciated both the boy and his mom who helped me to feel less alone.”

   ––   Lottye Clayton

 

 

Notice how Lottye’s uplifting story says it all:  It's all about feeling connected! ... and eye contact works wonders for helping someone feel great.

 

 

Sharing a smile is an easy way to brighten someone’s day. And because smiles are ‘catching’ it will probably brighten your day as well.

 

 

There have been a multitude of terrible things going on in the world, much of it wrapped in disrespect of other human beings.

 

 

I’m grateful to Lottye for sharing her story of respect and connection – and HOPE . . .

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

Until next month, Elayne

 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
 Both books are now available on Kindle!  

 

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
 
To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL


REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
 You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.  The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of  Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.  

 

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.  

 

CONTACTING ELAYNE

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:


510-540-6230


www.QueenofRejection.com
[email protected]  

 

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:


Twitter@ElayneSavage


LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage


Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

The Dark and Deadly Side of ‘Giving Permission’

 

By Elayne Savage, PhD  ©Can Stock Photo / robwilson39.jpg   For 40 years I have thought of 'giving permission' as wonderfully helpful in my work with workplace and psychotherapy clients.    However, I'm becoming painfully aware of the Dark Side of “giving permission” that seems to be getting played out so often these days.   Giving Permission to ‘Make a Choice to Make a Change’ TM   Almost every day I have the opportunity to help clients recognize that in tough situations they can choose to give themselves permission to see choices and expand their options.    I try to give permission to let it be OK for clients to identify any blind spots they might have, reminding them “if they can’t see it, they can’t change it.”    I encourage them to “walk alongside themselves, noticing and naming ideas, thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors –– and then imagining going back to the fork in the road and trying out a different path.” I encourage them to join me in teamwork to creatively try out some different ways of thinking and behaviors.   I encourage clients to recognize that it is OK to have needs and not feel ‘needy’ or worry about being viewed as ‘needy.    Speaking needs out loud can be a new experience if, when they were young, no one gave them permission to have needs and voice them.   It may be a struggle at first to be able to know what their needs are and to say them out loud.    I encourage clients to give themselves permission to check things out with the other person and not presume meaning or intent. This gives the other person permission to clarify and say, "That's not what I meant to say or I didn't mean for it to sound like that."    And Then, There is the Dark Side of ‘Giving Permission’   Lately some of my psychotherapy and workplace consulting clients have been wanting to use some of our session time to talk about this Dark Side. How among politicians there seems to be a huge amount of ‘permission giving' to be disrespectful, and downright ugly to colleagues and political challengers.    Most recently clients are noticing the effect that so much negative ‘permission-by-example’ has been having on them – noticing their own increased tendency to tell half-truths or to exaggerate stories, and yes, it's been easier lately to lie.   I have become very aware how ‘permission’ can have a scary Dark Side.   When there are various kinds of encouragement for aggression we see almost daily there are headlines about verbal and physical violence, attacks, arrests because of online threats, and of course the recent horrific mass killings in churches, in schools, and at community events.   The way I see it, the Dark Side of perceived permission for destructive and bigoted actions most often comes from the 'winks and nods' and the ‘dog whistles’ of political influencers.   I’m seeing a huge amount of conflating and confusion of details, and exaggerations and yes, out-and-out lying coming out of Washington.("Dishonesty" the press calls it.)   Many clients see much of this permission-giving originating from Donald Trump and other political influencers. It does seem like many folks are echoing presidential and political rhetoric.   And it feels like this modeling is giving permission for many of us to act out with meanness and ugliness and violence and weapons.   Giving Permission to Be Angry, to Hate, and to Create Violence and Turmoil   Sometimes this perceived 'permission' is given when a ‘leader’ applauds violent acts. This encouragement too often leads to copycatting.    Sometimes someone is motivated by the appealing notoriety of headlines and their 15 minutes of fame.   And I have come to believe that some suicidal folks need this perceived 'permission' to end their own life by committing violence and getting shot dead by law enforcement.   I blogged a few years ago about a man in Montana who assaulted a 13 year old boy in Montana for not removing his hat during the national anthem?   The man described how he grabbed the boy by the throat, lifted him into the air and slammed him to the ground.    He fractured the boy’s skull.   The attorney for the man says President Trump’s “rhetoric” is partially to blame for his client’s actions.   The defense is that he was following orders from “his commander in chief” while attacking the teenager.   Is it my imagination or are there actually more violent incidents because folks have come to believe they have permission to act out in aggressive ways?    I can’t help but notice what appears to be a ‘call to action’ at various rallies during Donald Trump‘s campaign rallies over the years – encouraging supporters to name-call and threaten and attack.   Recently he warned of "death and destruction" if he was to be charged in the hush-money probe. https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-warns-potential-death-destruction-charged-hush-money-probe-rcna76500   Axios writes about the times Trump has advocated for violence: https://www.axios.com/2022/05/02/trump-call-violence-presidency   And there are pages and pages and pages of videos of Donald Trump advocating violence at his campaign events.  And, Donald Trump's campaign language has several times over the years been criticized for promoting violence against political opponents.    Donald Trump called for 'Second Amendment people" to bear arms and stop Hillary Clinton. Regarding speakers at the Democratic National Convention: “The things that were said about me. You know what, I wanted to hit a couple of those speakers so hard. I was gonna hit this guy so hard, his head would spin. He wouldn’t know what the hell happened."   "You aren’t just responsible for what you say;  you’re responsible for what people hear”                –former CIA director Michael Hayden on CNN                         When We Are Not Seen or Heard in Our Families   So let’s take a look at how easy it is for many folks to ‘obey’ these proclamations.   In my therapy/coaching and in my writing and professional speaking/teaching I teach communication skills, focusing on how important it is for us to feel heard and listened to and understood.    And many folks become alienated and angry because they did not feel heard or seen growing up in their families.    And someone is finally hearing and listening to and understanding them!   So of course they are receptive to Donald Trump’s seeming ability to listen to and ‘get’ them.   And they are listening intently to him as he repeatedly gives permission to act out.   His kinds of inflammatory statements can be especially confusing for folks who feel alienated. Or for those with emotional or cognitive difficulties or for those who may be struggling with rational thinking, and prone to impulsivity or delusions.    And we see from social media posts that some are susceptible to embracing conspiracy theories.    Some may be unable to differentiate what is real and what is not real: what is an exaggeration or a falsehood or what is only intended to be a dramatic distraction or a useful soundbite.   They might easily interpret an ill-considered, offhand comment to be a directive from their leader to be violent or to attack or even to kill.    They may start thinking destructively and commit dangerous acts or incite others to commit dangerous acts.    And if they have access to guns or knives they could be putting themselves and others in danger. Then this becomes a public health and public safety issue affecting many folks.   A few years ago you may recall that Cesar Sayoc mailed 16 packages found to contain pipe bombs several Democratic politicians and other prominent critics of then-President Trump.   Targets included former President Barack Obama, VP Joe Biden and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.   Other people who were sent these packages included three Democratic members of Congress and former members of the Cabinet and CNN.   The FBI investigated the case as Domestic Terrorism. He was sentenced to a maximum of 20 years in prison on August 5, 2019, and will be eligible for release as early as November 10, 2035.   "He Found a Father in Trump!" The Sayoc family attorney tells Anderson Cooper how Cesar Sayoc seemed lost and needed help and “found a father in Trump. He was attracted to the Trump formula of reaching out, Trump reaching out to these types of outsiders, people who don’t fit in, people who are angry at America, telling them they have a place at the table, telling them that it’s okay to get angry.”   The attorney adds, “I believe that was a motivating factor.”   And motivating as well for the many others who embrace these kinds of suggestions which seem to give permission to tap into their dark side.    In fact, it is OK to get angry. The challenge, however, is how we express our feelings, and damage to people or property is really not OK. I think most folks recognize this, the problem is they hear some of our political leaders telling them it's OK to act dangerously.    I’m not trying to make a political statement here, but I am very frightened by the often dark and deadly consequences of perceived ‘permission-giving.’     Do you too, think there might be too much permission-giving coming out of the mouths of politicians?   Let me know what you think . . . © Elayne Savage, PhD   Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are available on Kindle!   To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.  The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of  Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.   To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.   Contacting Elayne:   I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com [email protected]   For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Let's Talk About Resilience

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

In his recent State of the Union address President Biden described America as: “Turning setback into comeback.”

 

What a great way to describe our resilience as a country!

 

Have you happened to notice how the idea of resilience is getting lots of attention these days?

 

I’ve been intrigued with the concept of Resilience for decades. In fact, in the 80’s I actually wanted to focus my doctoral research on resilience, but it would have required a longitudinal study. And after a total of 11 years in in Masters and PhD programs while working full time, I was ready to be done, done, done. 



 

Turns out when I researched perceived childhood rejection and adult intimacy, I found that experiences of rejection alone did not necessarily lower a person’s capacity for intimacy.

 

The mediating factor appears to be whether negative belief systems, behaviors, or personality dispositions developed because of the individual’s experiences of rejection by parents. 

 

Why were some children able to grow into adulthood without developing these negative patterns? 

 

Most likely it’s because of their resilience.

 

By the way, both Don’t Take it Personally – the Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room grew out of my research and dissertation!

 

From Don’t Take It Personally!

“Some children learn to cope with stress as a challenge rather than a defeat . . .They are often called the “resilient ones,” the “survivors,” “the transcenders.”

 

They find strengths deep within themselves that enable them to stay intact as they move through the difficulties of life. (Many) have been able to develop small pieces of strengths here and there. 

 

The challenge has been to recognize the strengths and weave them together—reinforcing them. Yes, it’s true that sometimes it seems we don’t have much to work with, but that’s where counseling can help out—by identifying and solidifying strengths ….

 

Why do some children seem to have this buoyancy, this natural knack for coping with the trauma in their lives more successfully than other children? 

 

What makes them different than those who are more damaged by the winds of life’s experiences? Somehow they’ve learned a kind of emotional martial arts—they know when to bend and spar and fend off blows. 

 

Experts speculate that resilient children have a different view of the world than other children, and therefore, they have different responses to life situations. 

- They operate out of empowerment rather than impotence. 

- They develop self-regard rather than self-degradation. 

- Their approach to life is reflective rather than impulsive. 

- They can step back from a situation, be objective, and keep their perspective. 

 

When positive experiences are lacking inside the family, they have been able to reach outside the family for what they need. These children have most likely been inspired by at least one person in their life, such as a relative, teacher, or neighbor, who provided the modeling, nurturing.

 

Lillian Rubin, author of The Transcendent Child, refers to (these) children …. “as trusting and open enough to recognize opportunities and accept a hand when it is offered. 

 

These children found an “interest or activity —books, music, art, sports — that took them out of the family and into another world....” They had “the ability to attract others who ... become the mentors and surrogates who light the way and fill the gaps left by the past ... who can help fill the empty spaces inside. 

 

These transcendent children lived at the periphery of family life, either because they were abused or because they didn’t fit. As one person said, “I felt like a dog in a cat family.” 

 

They were able to distance themselves, disidentify, and “grasp alternatives when they came into view. 

 

They were able to stop knocking on a door that was closed to them, to recognize that members of their family were not able to give them what they needed.” 

 

And as I remind my therapy and workplace clients, their resilience helps them figure out they can walk down the hallway or down the street or across town and find another door to knock on. This could be a neighbor, another relative, a teacher, a mentor.

 

I value the in-person and phone conversations I had with Lillian Rubin as I came to understand her perspective on the ‘Transcendent Child’ and I was even able to recognize myself a little bit!

 

Psychologist/Anthropologist Ronald Rohner has studied acceptance and rejection world-wide and he was an early mentor as I struggled to navigate my dissertation. 

In Dr. Rohner’s academic book on rejection and he sees resilience as having three components:

• a sense of self

• a sense of self-determination

• the capacity to not take things personally

 

As soon as I read #3 “the capacity to not take things personally,” I was intrigued and immediately knew how, from that moment on, this is where I would be focusing my therapy, coaching, workshops and keynotes! 

 

My Experience with Harper Lee and Scout

Looking back I can see a glimmer of my early resilience a few years earlier.

 

In the early 60’s in college, I just loved reading To Kill a Mockingbird and became absolutely intrigued by Scout’s spunk. 

 

I wanted to learn to be courageous just like Scout.  

 

My senior year of college at Bama, I was Business Manager of the Mahout, the humor magazine and was in charge of planning the Board of Publications banquet. 

 

Nelle Harper Lee had been editor of the Humor Magazine many years earlier and my colleagues dared me to invite her to keynote the banquet.

 

Guess what . . .her phone number was actually listed and before I could change my mind the operator was connecting me!  

 

I can still see myself in the Mahout office, the phone in my shaking hand. My colleagues hovering over me, listening to every word.

 

Of course she respectfully and regretfully declined the invitation. I would not have wanted to drive 140 miles either.

 

Yet what a thrill it was to speak with her! And how proud I was of myself for making that call! 

This act of courage on my part opened the way to some much-needed self-acceptance. I would no longer think of myself as the timid kid, always believing “I can’t.” 

That moment was my first realization that “yes I can!” 



 

Scout’s Amazing Spunk

 


The image of that day is forever etched. And whenever I need a big dose of encouragement, I can pull it up again in my mind . . . and feel the flush of bravery I had felt that day.  

I think what actually happened is I borrowed some of Scout’s spunk.

In my most challenging moments thinking back to that phone call to Harper Lee gives me renewed courage. It helps me be ‘out there in the world.’ 

 

Here is the original Harper Lee/Scout blog:

A Life-Changing Phone Call to Harper Lee

 

Can you think of an experience in your own life that stands out as a beacon of light for approaching future courageous situations?



 

The Many Flavors of “Spunk”



So I often thing about the many flavors of “spunk.” 
Here a few of the spunk-like terms that especially resonate for me: 

perseverance 
determination
bravery
courage
fearlessness
tenacity
feistiness

Each of these has slightly different colorations, yet it seems to me that they are each aspects of resilience.

 

Can you think of some other descriptions that relate to your own experiences? Do you, too, have stories to tell? 

 

Resilience in Siblings Might Be Different Flavors

By the way, the amount and form of resilience is often different with siblings. This is especially true when there is a several year age difference. 

 

The day-to-day living situation in the family may have changed – in areas of economic or physical or emotional health or the use of alcohol or drugs. So sometimes the family the older child grew up in is not exactly the same as the family the younger child experiences.

 

I coach many adult estranged sibs toward respectfully rebuilding/repairing relationships and I see this difference in resilience often.

 

More from Don’t Take It Personally! 

Here are a few highlights on resilience from Don’t Take It Personally! describing how resilient people have the ability to stay intact as they navigate the difficulties of life:

• stepping back from a situation, being objective, and keeping perspective

• developing a buoyancy, a natural knack for coping with trauma in life

• operating out of empowerment rather than impotence
• developing self-regard rather than self-degradation 

• approaching life reflectively rather than impulsively

• coping with stress as a challenge rather than a defeat 

• learning a kind of emotional martial arts—they know when to bend and spar and fend off blows

 

I guess you could say I not only learned about spunk from Scout — I also learned how to recognize and appreciate resilience in myself! 

 

Hmmm. I wonder what more I might learn from Scout if I were to re-read her story now.

 

© Elayne Savage

 

Until next month, 

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
 Both books are now available on Kindle!  

 

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
 
To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL


REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
 You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.  The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of  Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.  

 

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.  

 

Contacting Elayne:
  I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:


510-540-6230


www.QueenofRejection.com
[email protected]  

 

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:


Twitter@ElayneSavage


LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage


Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

When Rejection Leads to Self-rejection and Feels Like Shame

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Image by John Hain from Pixabay

 

Seems these days the most frequent challenge my psychotherapy and workplace consulting clients describe is “Feeling Shame.”

 

I’m hearing from colleagues, friends and clients about how recent political behaviors and attitudes are bringing up painful family and school memories of criticism, insults, accusations, taunts, lashing out, easing, blaming, baiting or manipulating.

 

“Hearing about the discord in Congress, I’m realizing how chaotic and divisive my family life was. Mother would pit my sister and me against each other — driving a wedge between us and keeping us from being a united front against her. Each of us would compete with each other, trying to win her favor.”

 

And another reaction:

“My mother would complain about one child to the other turning one against the other. I think her need was to get one of us to side with her and bolster her narcissism. She seemed to have a need to instill guilt in us. 

 

Over the years we learned to protect ourselves: One of us stopped speaking to her, and the other went to therapy to drop guilt from our repertoire.”

 

And a frequent story: “I was always sent away from the dinner table and told to go to my room. I told myself I wasn’t good enough to eat with my family.”

 

Turns out the most troubling part is how feelings of shame seem to take over from memories of perceived slights, finger-pointing, being made ‘bad’ or ‘wrong,’ criticism and blame. 

 

When we feel diminished by criticism or blame, the tendency of many of us is to try to protect ourselves by puffing ourselves up and retaliating. 

 

Before we know it, the 'Attack-Defend’ dynamic is springing into action. Somebody feels attacked, takes something personally and often sees the other person as ‘the enemy.”

 

The person who feels attacked and vulnerable often defends against the attack by attacking back – sometimes desperately and ferociously: 

Shaming

Lashing out

Accusing

Discrediting

Discounting

Slighting

Criticizing

Dismissing

Diminishing

Faulting

Undermining

Smearing

Scorning

 
You may recognize that each of these is a form of rejection.

And the result is often self-rejection. I see experiencing self-rejection the same as feeling shame.

 

I Know All About Thin Skin

 

I’ve lived in it much of my life.

 

When I was little, if someone looked at me funny I’d cry. I took about everything personally.

 

If I thought someone was upset with me I’d replay the last few days in my head. I’d pull out my ‘checklist’ of possible “offenses” and go over them in my mind, one at a time. And then once again.

 

When we were little we were probably hurt by words, looks, or tones of voice – whether they were intended or not. And we carry these cringe-worthy sensitive feelings into our adult years.

 

I still cringe at the memory of my math teacher holding up my paper filled with red marks and saying to the whole class; "Elayne can do better than this!"

 

We each have our unique responses and long-term repercussions. We each live with whatever fearful and self-rejecting messages the traumatic experience leads us to take in about ourselves, about the safety of our world and whether we can trust the people in it. 

 

This is especially true if, in our early years, there were inappropriate personal boundary crossings which affected our feelings of safety and trust. Each new situation might be somewhat different, however, our visceral response is very recognizable.

 

We can expect the original discomfort and fear to re-surface if we find ourselves in another unsafe moment and as we hear other’s stories. For some of us this can be similar to a PTSD-like experience.

 

The Age-old Chinese Concept of Managing Face

 

I'm been intrigued with the age-old Chinese concept of 'Managing Face' and I first blogged about it many years ago. 

 

Because respect is such a huge part of my focus with workshop participants, therapy and workplace clients I can't help but notice how the concept of respect and self-respect are woven throughout these definitions:

 

So let’s explore the Chinese wisdom of ‘Saving Face’ and ‘Losing Face’

 

Managing Face

 

The concept of Face ('mian zi') includes personal esteem, your reputation and your honor. In other words, Respect.

Managing Face encompasses: Losing Face, Lending Face, Gaining Face, and Saving Face.

 

Losing Face 

Losing Face is a translation of the Chinese phrase 'tiu lien' which means being unable to show one's face in public: losing your reputation and the respect of others, feeling humiliated losing self-respect.

 

This would include all the "diss" words I so often write about including: disrespected, dismissed, discounted, displaced, disdained, disregarded, dishonored, disgraced, disenfranchised. 

 

These feelings of course lead to self-rejection and losing face.

 

Lending Face

Lending Face is making someone look good. One way of doing this is through compliments.

 

Gaining Face

Gaining Face means gaining prestige through words or deeds. Making a name for yourself.

 

Saving Face

Saving Face ('yao mianzi') means to be concerned about appearances. Keeping your pride, dignity, reputation and integrity intact. Maintaining acceptance, self-acceptance, self-respect and the respect of others.

The skill of creatively negotiating means allowing someone to gracefully restate an opinion, change their mind or make concessions. Sometimes it only takes a slight change in wording or reframing an idea. 

The result is you leave the other person a 'way out.'

Some folks will go to great lengths to 'Save Face.' They may continue a conflict in order not to look 'bad.' They might even blame the other person to deflect the embarrassment away from themselves. They might lie to cover up a mistake or blunder.

 

So how do we leave ourselves a ‘way out?’

The opposite of self=rejection is of course self-acceptance. Sometimes a good re-framing does the trick!

 

It’s Embarrassment – Not Shame

 

It helps to remind myself that most times “It’s really embarrassment – not shame.”

 

I try thinking of a situation as embarrassing rather than shameful or humiliating. Often a feeling of embarrassment is all that’s warranted. The situation doesn’t call for any more than that. 

 

I try repeating to myself, “I’m only feeling embarrassed.”

 

At a point in my life I realized how much my over-sensitivity was causing problems at home and at work. I knew I needed to make some changes in how I dealt with the people in my world:

- I decided I wanted to stop these knee-jerk responses when my feelings got hurt.

- I wanted to not revert to childish behavior when I got upset.- I wanted to have my embarrassments just be embarrassments instead of turning into shame.

- I wanted to stop acting like a petulant child, lashing out when I felt unsupported or betrayed.

- I wanted to acknowledge my part in something and not be so quick to blame others.

- I wanted to stop brooding/fixating/dwelling/stewing/ruminating/agonizing about so many perceived slights. I’d be obsessing about what someone did or said –– or what they neglected to do or say. And go automatically into my painful mental checklist mode. 

This incessant dwelling and fuming sapped my energy and my productivity and left me depleted.

- I especially wanted to better understand my thin-skinned challenges and begin to choose to do things differently.

 

Recognizing and Welcoming Corrective Emotional Experiences Into Our Lives  

 

A corrective emotional experience is the opportunity to have a positive emotional experience in the present that balances out negative ones from our past.
 

I find Franz Alexander's concept of a Corrective Emotional Experience intriguing. We have opportunities to have positive emotional experiences in the present that balance out negative ones from our past.

 

Consider the possibilities. Re-balancing. Re-experiencing. Re-considering. And re-establishing yourself as an important person on this planet.

 

What an opportunity to re-claim that part of your soul that may have been damaged long ago by people or circumstances. When a teacher or family member or peer says or does something hurtful it's hard not to take it to heart. 

 

These experiences linger and get replayed in our personal and professional relationships.

 

All too often we come to expect people in our present to treat us the way we experienced being treated in the past. This expectation is so great in fact, many of us filter out positive and validating responses from people. 

 

We zero in on the negative. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

Then, along comes a chance to have a Corrective Emotional experience –– an event providing the opportunity to have a different experience. 

 

The trick is to recognize it.

 

Something changes for us. 

In the way we see ourselves. 

In the responses we expect from people around us.

In the quality of our connection to others.

 

Yes, something changes.

 

For example, past experiences may have left you feeling rejected - hurt, dismissed, disrespected. A similar experience in the present often triggers an old response. 

 

Yet, with being able to recognize the possibility that something could be different this time, you find yourself less entangled. Less prone to get triggered so quickly. More able to act like a grownup.

 

You discover you are not so upset by the circumstances. You can maintain enough distance from it to observe and notice, rather than be reactive. You can create enough space to take in some new experience of yourself. 

 

You may feel heard, listened to and understood. You may feel accepted, validated, appreciated and well regarded.

 

As these positive experiences have a chance to grow, there is much less space available for feelings of self-rejection and shame.

 

©Elayne Savage, PhD

The Pied Piper of Mar-a-Lago

by Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

                      Pixabay

 

 

About 8 years ago I wrote how descriptions of cults and cult leaders seemed to capture how so many folks were attracted to the promises of Donald J. Trump.

 

Does 'The Art of the Deal' Mean Selling Your Soul?
https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2016/07/does-the-art-of-the-deal-mean-selling-your-soul.html

 

The image that keeps popping into my head is of the children of Hamelin, Germany being lured out of their homes by the charm and false promises of the Pied Piper, following him into a cave — never to be seen again.

 

In another blog I felt the need to tell the story of Jim Jones and how 900 of his followers were lured to Guyana and were coerced to drink a fruit drink laced with cyanide. As a Child Protective Social Worker in San Francisco, I knew several folks connected with the Peoples Temple — they all died there.

 

Haunted By a Panicky Phone Call From a Peoples Temple Member
https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2018/11/haunted-by-a-panicky-phone-call-from-a-peoples-temple-member.html

I have described how various cult experts have recognized cult leader characteristics in Donald Trump.

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2022/07/trumpism-cultism-populism-revisited-.html

 

And I’m noticing how the comparisons are again popping up in print and blogs and podcasts and by lots of TV guests.

 

So of course I have a renewed hankering to write about how these observations of Donald J. Trump and his followers appear to reflect the characteristics of cults and cult leaders.

 

And I just cannot get the image of the children of Hamelin out of my head.

Cult Leader Characteristics

 

Joe Navarro, a 25-year veteran of the FBI and author of Dangerous Personalities lists 50 cult leader characteristics.  
Here are a few characteristics of cult group leaders, which stand out for me as especially Donald J. Trump-ish:


– He has a grandiose idea of who he is and what he can achieve.
– Has a sense of entitlement - expecting to be treated special at all times.
– Has an exaggerated sense of power (entitlement) that allows him to bend rules and break laws.
– Publicly devalues others as being inferior, incapable, or not worthy.
– Haughtiness, grandiosity, and the need to be controlling is part of his personality.
– Anyone who criticizes or questions him is called an “enemy.”
– Habitually puts down others as inferior and only he is superior.  
– Is deeply offended when there are perceived signs of boredom, being ignored or of being slighted.    
– Treats others with contempt and arrogance.
– The word “I” dominates his conversations. He is oblivious to how often he references himself.
–  Hates to be embarrassed or fail publicly - when he does he acts out with rage.
– Believes he possesses the answers and solutions to world problems.
– Seems to be highly dependent of tribute and adoration and will often fish for compliments.
– Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, or brilliance.
– Requires excessive admiration from followers and outsiders.
– Is arrogant and haughty in his behavior or attitude
– Has an exaggerated sense of power (entitlement) that allows him to bend rules and break laws.
– Is frequently boastful of accomplishments.
– Behaves as though people are objects to be used, manipulated or exploited for personal gain.
– Acts imperious at times, not wishing to know what others think or desire.
Believes himself to be omnipotent.
– Doesn’t seem to feel guilty for anything he has done wrong nor does he apologize for his actions.
– "Rigid," "unbending," or "insensitive" describes how this person thinks.
– Sees self as “unstoppable” and perhaps has even said so. – Doesn’t think there is anything wrong with himself and in fact sees himself as perfection or “blessed.”
– Doesn’t think there is anything wrong with himself and in fact sees himself as perfection or “blessed.”

 

Here’s the link to Navarro’s list of all 50 cult leader characteristics:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201208/dangerous-cult-leaders

 

"I Alone Can Fix It"

 

Bill Moyers has observed how Donald Trumps message has been “I alone can fix it.”
“Only he can save us. He alone has the potion. He alone can call out the incantation. He alone can cast out the demons. It’s a little bit Mussolini. A little bit Berlusconi. A little bit George Wallace. And a lot of Napoleon in a trucker’s hat.”
"I am not an ordinary man," Bonaparte once said. "I am an extraordinary man and ordinary rules do not apply to me."

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bill-moyers/donald-trumps-dark-and-sc_b_11144940.html

 

(Note: A book with this terrific title by Phil Rucker and Carol Leonnig appeared in 2021 – I Alone Can Fix It: Donald J. Trump's Catastrophic Final Year )

 

Trumpism/Cultism/Populism Revisited
https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2022/07/trumpism-cultism-populism-revisited-.html

 

As many of you know I tend to see the world through the lens of rejection and it's quite amazing to me how many of these attributes seem to be reactions to feeling rejected and taking things personally.

 

I would really appreciate your comments and ideas . . .

 

Until next month, 
Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
 Both books are now available on Kindle!  

 

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
 
To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL


REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
 You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.  The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of  Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.  

 

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.  

 

Contacting Elayne:
  I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:


510-540-6230


www.QueenofRejection.com
[email protected]  

 

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:


Twitter@ElayneSavage


LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage


Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

CHOOSING KINDNESS

 By Elayne Savage, PhD

Pixabay/John Hind

 

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."  - Maya Angelou

 

I knew I wanted to write about kindness this month –– as a way of finding some balance for myself in a chaotic and disturbing world. Seems there has been so much unkindness, and even mean-spiritedness and even hostility and even retaliation out there. I was giving lots of thought to what I wanted to say about kindness as this Ne there has been so much unkindness, and even mean-spiritedness and even hostility and retaliation in the world.

 

And then, I just happened to receive an email the other day saying what i wanted to say, only better. 

 

Oak Notes from the SF Bay area Red Oak Reality published this piece in their December newsletter and I’m so glad to be sharing much of it with you.

 

There is no author credited in this Red Oak piece. If I can find out from Red Oak, I’ll for sure add it to my blog post on TipsfromtheQueenofRejection.com

 

Here we go . . .

 

. . . so often we're rushing, handling the year-end demands on top of our day-to-day. Sometimes it feels we've become so focused on efficiency that kindness can be left out of the equation. 

 

At a time when the world feels a bit unruly and unmanageable, maybe we should look outward and ask ourselves how we can make a difference and be kind to others. Because while it may not feel like it at times, we all have the ability to make an impact.

 

Kindness is holding the door open for a stranger, or acknowledging someone's birthday. 

 

Kindness can be as simple as a compliment or a thank you or a smile. It's expressing concern for the well-being of others or a selfless act. 

 

Kindness is checking on your elderly neighbors, giving flowers just because. It's recognizing when someone needs acknowledgment or maybe a hug.

 

In the face of current events, kindness is so important in maintaining a healthy society. It is the cornerstone of compassion and fosters a sense of community. 

 

By cultivating a culture of kindness, we can all contribute to a more compassionate world.

 

So the next time someone steals that parking spot or cuts in line, take a deep breath and choose empathy over anger.

 

Kindness is always an option.  

 

At a time when so many are feeling their impact is mute, choose to make the difference. They will remember how you made them feel. And you may be surprised at how much better you feel, too.

 

I was needing balance and was especially wanting to tone down my recent spate of impatience.

 

I was wanting to send a little self-kindness my own way too. Guess we all can use a little balance here. And maybe some hugs!

 

Thanks again to Red Oak and Oak Notes for the inspiration!

 

Wishing you a Happy and Fulfilling and Peaceful and Connected New Year!  

 

Pixabay/SpiderM

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com [email protected] For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Seeking Respect in a Dissing Kind of World

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Image by John Hain from Pixabay

 

I’m writing today about RESPECT and how important it is for our relationships to be running smoothly: Personal, Workplace and as we have been seeing lately, Political.

 

However, respectful interactions seem to be more and more infrequent. A lack of respect seems to be permeating our homes and country and our world.

 

When I’m working with clients — workplace or couples or families lately I’m noticing that respect has become frayed and tattered and torn and sometimes practically non-existent.

 

Misunderstandings and hurt feelings and anger and resentment seem to be filling the space and there is barely room for connection.

 

Isomorphism/Parallel Process

 

Like me, many of you, may have grown up in a confusing and chaotic environment of Alternative Facts. Falsehoods. Deceptions. Deflections. Concealment. Evasion. Misrepresentation. And Secrecy.

 

And all too often these many years later the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult.

 

Every day I feel increasingly contaminated by the negative energy of the lack of respect in the world. I hate the way I seem to be absorbing it. And it has been affecting my interactions with others . . . and with myself.

 

Have you, too, been experiencing increased contentious behaviors in your family or work? Or have you found yourself reactive and losing control more than usual? 

 

What Is All This Mirroring About?

 

It is useful here to understand the concept of isomorphism (sometimes referred to as ‘parallel process’ or ‘social contagion.’)   

 

You’ve probably noticed how images in TV commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example as you watch, a human face changes into a lion’s face or an antelope transforms into a car.


 

Well, this is what happens with many interactions as well. One context morphs into another — taking on similar properties. 

 

Isomorphism is a mirroring of one situation by another, a reflection of one attitude by the other.

 

We pick up the mood or energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it – often unknowingly. 

 

We tend to look to our community and state and country and world leaders for direction and modeling.

 

When attitude, character and temperament seem to trickle down, this is isomorphism.

 

When various behaviors, ideas and attitudes are transmitted from one context to another, often replicating the same chaos and uncertainty, this is isomorphism.

 

When there is a culture of disrespect that affects regional or national or global interactions, this is isomorphism. 

 

When our interactions with family or friends or neighbors or coworkers or colleagues appear to be permeated and influenced by the negative qualities and actions of our leaders this is isomorphism. 

 

Can you see how this culture of disrespect, attitude, character and temperament can trickle down to family, business and even global interactions.

 

And there is something highly contagious about this kind of volatile, contentious, pervasive and toxic behavior.

 

Could it be that many of us of catching the disrespect virus that keeps popping up all around us?

 

Let’s take a look at how Psychological Projection and Isomorphism/Parallel Process often accompany each other and result in boundary confusion.

 

Psychological Projection Can Be Crazy-making

 

Psychological projection – The tendency to see certain traits in another person when you cannot acknowledge them in yourself. One person blames the other for their own unacceptable behavior, undesirable thoughts and feelings, or their own limitations. 

 

The other person may be projecting onto you their own dark side, their own blind spots.

 

If our family or peers or society has deemed something "unacceptable," it is not safe for it to show up in our interactions and we tend to submerge it. These traits become our 'shadow side.'

 

And if they do start to pop up, they can make us really nervous.

 

Anytime we have unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears our anxiety level can shoot up. Most of us have a tendency to protect ourselves from experiencing the anxiety when undesirable thoughts intrude. A common way to cope with and tame the anxiety is to unconsciously attribute the thoughts or feelings to another person or group.

 

We may accuse them of the same types of behaviors that we find incompatible with how we need to see ourselves.

 

Have you noticed how traits, behaviors, ideas or feelings you can't tolerate in others are often the things you can’t stand about yourself?

 

These might include anger, sadness, fears, insecurities, vulnerabilities, and dependency. It might include your tendency to be stubborn or flirtatious or bad or too loud or pushy or competitive or controlling.

 

When a thought or fear is too hot to handle we want to get rid of it. That's when you might toss it over to someone else. Partners, friends or co-workers are handy recipients. By attributing the thought to them, you can often rid yourself of the anxiety that it brings up.

 

Projection is like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space — for safekeeping.

 

Psychological projection exists in our personal and professional relationships . . . and seemingly in the political arena as well.

 

We see it in politics all the time: in the form of accusations made by one party about the other. Accusations about voter fraud, health care plans, the economic crisis, influence peddling, secret money deals, negative ads.

 

A recent example is the accusation by Congressman James Comer, Chairman of the House Oversight Committee, about a $200,000 check and a $40,000 check written to Joe Biden by his brother’s wife which are notated as a repayment of loans.

 

The committee chair is accusing that the check is a secret payment for some sort of influence peddling of the Biden name. There are copies of both checks on file stating the transaction is repayment of two loans that Joe Biden had earlier wired separately to his brother.

 

Interestingly, reporters have recently discovered there happens to also be an exchange of $200,000 between the Chairman and his own brother regarding what appears to be questionable real estate dealings.

 

I can’t help but wonder if the Chairman might be feeling guilty about his own family transactions and projecting his guilt onto the Biden family! Some reporters are talking about doing more scratching below the surface.

 

Oh my — how did our world lose its grip on acting respectfully and on the ability to be empathic?

 

How did so many of us turn into angry, volatile, resentful, disrespectful human beings?

 

It IS often a struggle not to take these words and actions personally when we feel in our gut that they are meant to be hurtful and degrading and and especially when they are retaliatory for even a small perceived slight.

 

I honestly think that it mostly has to do with the process of absorbing mean-spirited attitudes from the people around us — especially from our leaders.

 

It’s as if we are being given permission by the highest offices in the land to act out in similar ways to what we have observed happening a few years ago in the White House and more recently in Congress, ways that normally would cross our boundaries of appropriateness and propriety and honesty.

 

It’s hard to ignore the rampant disrespect being flung about every day — taunting, smearing, mocking, insulting, attacking . . . and bullying.

 

Bullying is Incredibly Disrespectful

 

On a personal note, I find myself having a visceral response when I hear our elected officers resorting to name-calling to try to get under each others skin.

 

I was often subjected to this kind of taunting behavior in grade and high school.

 

I hated being the brunt of bullying back then — i always hoping for protection from the grownups, which didn’t happen. I didn’t feel safe in those days and a replay of that anxiety tends to creep in now.

 

Hearing all this present day political bullying makes me cringe. The taunting makes me sick to my stomach.

 

Too many hurtful childhood memories here, I guess.

 

Bullies tend to puff themselves up when they are feeling unsure, insignificant, anxious, vulnerable or fearful. Folks tend to inflate themselves in different ways – bragging or boasting, self-absorption and needing to be filled with a sense of self-importance.

 

A popular way of inflating oneself is by disrespectfully diminishing the other person through put-downs, insults and mockery.

 

Demonizing and Weaponizing

 

So many folks find themselves demonizing and weaponizing these days. It seems, to me very few people are able to discuss politics without disrespecting other points of view. It is a real challenge to try to talk issues and national and world events in an objective way.

 

But something bigger is going on.across several different contexts.

 

I’ve been a couples and family therapist for several decades. Mostly our sessions include difficult to discuss feelings and experiences. Because I teach respect, clients say being in the presence of the therapist (me) encourages their ability to express themselves on hard to talk about challenges. Even though Interactions include angry or hurtful feelings, they used to stay respectful of each other.

 

But something different has been happening the last few months! The respect that has accompanied sessions seems to be eroding. I’m hearing more hurtful, and mean-spirited and disrespectful language — yes, even vile!

 

What’s happening? My guess is that folks could be absorbing their language and lack of restraint from what they are witnessing from our political leaders.

 

I’d sure love to see more mirroring of respectful interactions.

 

I’d love to see instances where mirroring reflects mostly positive and respectful interactions in the various contexts of our lives.

 

And I’d especially appreciate seeing positive and respectful modeling coming from the highest offices in the land.

© Elayne Savage PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

 

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

[email protected]

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

A Very Scary Protest

 

By Elayne Savage, PhD   I know someone who recently found himself swallowed up by thousands of protesters in San Francisco when he needed to cross Market St to get from the BART station to his Civic Center destination.   The media reported there were 10,000 to 15,000 protesters.   News outlets are describing the supposed 'purpose' of the demonstrations in a variety of ways through their different world views:   “Demanding ceasefire in Israel-Hamas war” “A large-scale march in support of Palestine” “Hundreds in San Francisco rally Sunday in support of Israel”   However, when he was telling me about his experience his sense of the energy of the crowd was very much different: Although this appeared to him to be a rally supporting Palestinians, he says it looked like mostly local college students were marching.    “What an unnerving experience. I have never in my life experienced such fear and felt so threatened. So much intensity and animosity. So hate-filled.”   As I listened to his discomfort I could feel my own fear starting to bubble up. I found myself cringing as I was recalling the scary recent reporting on world-wide resurgence of Islamophobia and anti-Semitism.    He said he could see the fear and panic in my eyes as he was sharing his Market Street experience.   Yes, it certainly catches me off guard each time those old painful memories keep intruding in a PTSD-ish, visceral sort of way.    Mostly memories of my childhood fears go directly back to Marion, my next door neighbor and best friend. Our friendship was so confusing to me. We would spend many wonderful hours playing together but then sometimes her parents and aunts and uncles would spit on our porch and sneer “Dirty Jews.”   Some of you may recall that I’ve blogged about those fearful, confusing memories of Marion and her family before: Broadsided by anti-Semitism   Actually, I’ve blogged about Fear 43 times over the years. Here is the link to all of my Fear-Themed  blogs   I'm also sharing with you a few links to recent pieces about the resurgence of racism and hate in the world. Much of this has been subterranean for years and now seems to have 'permission' to hate out loud. Who/where this permission is coming from could be the subject of another blog.   "History repeating itself": How the Israel-Hamas war is fueling hate against Muslims and Jews vox.com   ‘Gaza this … Hamas that’: the rise of antisemitism and Islamophobia in Australia | Australia news | The Guardian amp.theguardian.com   Israel's Gaza offensive ignites global protest calling for ceasefire Washingtonpost.com   A Surge in Antisemitism in Europe—and What’s Behind It   New York Times   A new wave of antisemitism threatens to rock an already unstable world news.yahoo.com   And what about you? Is anything different for you or your sense of safety and security?  A few day ago, I was glad to be able to hug my Palestinian friends. One of them and I had sat on a bench and talked for hours years ago when there were scary tensions. We're making plans to do it again soon.    Can we talk as well? I'd love to hear your thoughts . . .   © Elayne Savage, PhD   Until next month, Elayne   Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com [email protected] For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

By Elayne Savage, PhD   I know someone who recently found himself swallowed up by thousands of protesters in San Francisco when he needed to cross Market St to get from the BART station to his Civic Center destination.   The media reported there were 10,000 to 15,000 protesters.   News outlets are describing the supposed 'purpose' of the demonstrations in a variety of ways through their different world views:   “Demanding ceasefire in Israel-Hamas war” “A large-scale march in support of Palestine” “Hundreds in San Francisco rally Sunday in support of Israel”   However, when he was telling me about his experience his sense of the energy of the crowd was very much different: Although this appeared to him to be a rally supporting Palestinians, he says it looked like mostly local college students were marching.    “What an unnerving experience. I have never in my life experienced such fear and felt so threatened. So much intensity and animosity. So hate-filled.”   As I listened to his discomfort I could feel my own fear starting to bubble up. I found myself cringing as I was recalling the scary recent reporting on world-wide resurgence of Islamophobia and anti-Semitism.    He said he could see the fear and panic in my eyes as he was sharing his Market Street experience.   Yes, it certainly catches me off guard each time those old painful memories keep intruding in a PTSD-ish, visceral sort of way.    Mostly memories of my childhood fears go directly back to Marion, my next door neighbor and best friend. Our friendship was so confusing to me. We would spend many wonderful hours playing together but then sometimes her parents and aunts and uncles would spit on our porch and sneer “Dirty Jews.”   Some of you may recall that I’ve blogged about those fearful, confusing memories of Marion and her family before: Broadsided by anti-Semitism   Actually, I’ve blogged about Fear 43 times over the years. Here is the link to all of my Fear-Themed  blogs   I'm also sharing with you a few links to recent pieces about the resurgence of racism and hate in the world. Much of this has been subterranean for years and now seems to have 'permission' to hate out loud. Who/where this permission is coming from could be the subject of another blog.   "History repeating itself": How the Israel-Hamas war is fueling hate against Muslims and Jews vox.com   ‘Gaza this … Hamas that’: the rise of antisemitism and Islamophobia in Australia | Australia news | The Guardian amp.theguardian.com   Israel's Gaza offensive ignites global protest calling for ceasefire Washingtonpost.com   A Surge in Antisemitism in Europe—and What’s Behind It   New York Times   A new wave of antisemitism threatens to rock an already unstable world news.yahoo.com   And what about you? Is anything different for you or your sense of safety and security?  A few day ago, I was glad to be able to hug my Palestinian friends. One of them and I had sat on a bench and talked for hours years ago when there were scary tensions. We're making plans to do it again soon.    Can we talk as well? I'd love to hear your thoughts . . .   © Elayne Savage, PhD   Until next month, Elayne   Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com [email protected] For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

When Apologies are Non-apologies

By Elayne Savage, PhD

                                            © Can Stock Photo / 72soul

 

Just about as soon as I had posted my August blog on how apologies seemed to be missing in action, there now seems to be one political apology after another.

 

Have you noticed?

 

Behaviors and comments seem to become more outrageous with each day. Our political figures seem to be throwing more shade than ever, and the slurs are more derogatory and the misrepresentations and outright lying and acts of dishonesty wrapped up in entitlement are more than I ever imagine could even happen. Conduct which seems to occur repeatedly.

 

Have you noticed?

 

And when there is an apology offered, most often it is of the non-apology variety, full of justifications and rationalizations for very unclassy, hurtful, denigrating, and often intentionally mean-for-meanness-sake behavior.

 

Have you noticed?

 

I mentioned non-apologies last month: “For many of us, apologizing is really hard to do. Too often we may find ourselves making a non-apology: removing ourselves from the equation by not really taking responsibility for our actions: ‘I’m sorry you felt like that, or I’m sorry you got upset.’

 

It would mean a lot for the other person to hear,

‘I’m sorry I hurt you’

or ‘I’m sorry I wasn’t able to see your perspective.’

or ‘I’m sorry I didn’t pay attention to your feelings.’

 

In the month that followed my earlier blog, I’m realizing that saying ‘I’m sorry I hurt you’ might sound like one of those easily misinterpreted finger-pointing ‘you get hurt so easily’ kinds of comments.

 

It can be tempting to talk about hurting the other person as if they are easily hurt.

 

I talked about fear of taking responsibility, and fear of being blamed or shamed. I discussed blind spots and psychological projection

 

Lots of times we think we are really trying to apologize but it comes off as more of a non-apology, full of rationalizations and justifications for our behavior.

In case you missed it, here's the blog:

In ‘The Case of the Missing Apology’

 

So lets talk some more about non-apologies

I like the Merriam-Webster definition of non-apology: 

“a disingenuous or insufficient apology: a statement that is offered as an apology but that fails to express true regret or to take responsibility for having done or said something wrong”

Apologies have always been hard for me yet with practice they have become doable. A recognition that helps me a lot is to not try to use words that are uncomfortable for me – I tend to sound insincere when I do.

 

So what constitutes a sincere apology?

It is generally suggested that a sincere apology contains some form of:

recognition, responsibility, remorse/regret, restitution when appropriate, and repetition prevention

 

The book Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies offers six (and a half) steps to great apologies. They are:

1. Say you're sorry. Not that you "regret," not that you are "devastated." Just say you're "sorry."

2. Say what it is that you're apologizing for. Be specific.

3, Show you understand why it was bad, take ownership, and show that you understand why you caused hurt.

4. Don't make excuses.

5. Say why it won't happen again. What steps are you taking?

6. If it's relevant, make reparations: "I'm going to pay for the dry cleaning. Just send the bill to me. I'm going to do my best to fix what I did."
 

 

And from Harvard Health Publishing:  

The Art of a Heartfelt Apology

- Acknowledge the offense. Take responsibility for the offense, whether it was a physical or psychological harm, and confirm that your behavior was not acceptable. Avoid using vague or evasive language, or wording an apology in a way that minimizes the offense or questions whether the victim was really hurt.

- Explain what happened. The challenge here is to explain how the offense occurred without excusing it. In fact, sometimes the best strategy is to say there is no excuse.

- Express remorse. If you regret the error or feel ashamed or humiliated, say so: this is all part of expressing sincere remorse.

- Offer to make amends. For example, if you have damaged someone’s property, have it repaired or replace it. When the offense has hurt someone’s feelings, acknowledge the pain and promise to try to be more sensitive in the future.

 

And it's important to acknowledge that what you said or did has hurtful behavior however we have to be wary of painting the person you are apologizing to as someone who is too sensitive and easily hurt.

I believe one reason many of us hold back from offering a sincere apology is our fear of feeling vulnerable – such a scary feeling. It helps me a lot to distinguish between feeling vulnerable and allowing vulnerability. I remind myself of this difference often – it has been a game-changer for me in making apologies.

© Elayne Savage PhD

 

Would love to have a dialogue with you and hear your feelings about apologies.

Until next month, 

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com [email protected] For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

The Case of the Missing Apology

by Elayne Savage, PhD

 

                                        © Can Stock Photo / stuartmiles

 

 

Lately there has been an amazing amount of name calling and finger-pointing and making someone ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ coming from both political and personal venues.

 

And these perceived slights co-exist with lots of taking things personally and retaliatory behaviors.

 

When we feel diminished by criticism or blame, the tendency of many of us is to try to protect ourselves by puffing ourselves up and retaliating. 

Before we know it, the 'Attack-Defend’ dynamic is springing into action. Somebody feels attacked, takes something personally and often sees the other person as ‘the enemy.”

The person who feels attacked and vulnerable often defends against the attack by attacking back – sometimes desperately and ferociously:  

 

Lashing out

 

Accusing

 

Discrediting

 

Discounting

 

Slighting

 

Criticizing

 

Dismissing

 

Diminishing

 

Faulting

 

Undermining

 

Shaming

 

Smearing

 

Scorning

 

You may recognize that each of these is a form of rejection.

 

What I don’t hear about are apologies for these out-of-control behaviors. 

 

I don’t see folks taking responsibility for their often outrageous conduct.

For many of us apologizing is really hard to do.

Too often we may find ourselves making a non-apology: removing ourselves from the equation by not really taking responsibility for our actions: 

‘I’m sorry you felt like that, or I’m sorry you got upset.”

 

It would mean a lot for the other person to hear,

“I’m sorry I hurt you,”

or “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to see your perspective.”

or “I’m sorry I didn’t pay attention to your feelings.”

 

The way I see it, our ability to step up and take responsibility and offer a sincere apology too often has to do with Blind Spots we have about ourselves and our behavior.

 

 

Blind Spots Are Those Traits About Ourselves We Just Don’t See, Although Others Do

 

Having blind spots indicates we are unable to see and acknowledge the unacceptable aspects of our own behavior. If we cannot see it then it is difficult to take responsibility or apologize for our actions.  

This blind spot prevents us from seeing how hurtful our behavior can be because we have trouble stepping out of our own world and putting ourselves in the other persons shoes.

 

 

Psychological Projection to the Rescue

In order to deal with the discomfort of this Shadow Part – the disowned, submerged, painfully unacceptable part of ourselves, we often project this unacceptable dark side onto the other person, seeing our own emotions or behaviors or ideas or attitudes as existing in them.

 

We project aspects of  our own sadness, our anger, our resentment, our badness, our tendency to be patronizing or manipulative or competitive or controlling, our fears and vulnerability and dependency and other insecurities.

Because we cannot tolerate in others the very same traits we can’t stand about ourselves, we might find ourselves judging or criticizing others.

 

And when we cannot tolerate these feelings in ourselves this often leads to psychological projection – the tendency to see our own shortcomings in others.

Can you see how easily Blind Spots and Projection can get in the way of sincere apology?

 

 

An Important Part of Apologizing: Acknowledging and Taking Responsibility for Behavior

 

Some of us really do struggle with taking responsibility because we confuse it with feeling blamed – or shamed. And we cannot tolerate that feeling which many of us grew up with at home or from teachers or peers.

Sometimes we feel so strongly that we were right to make a certain decision or statement or to take (or not take) a certain action. Sometimes this holds us back from finding the path to an apology.

That’s a tough one for some of us if we feel we are selling ourselves out by not being loyal to our principles. At times our own sense of pride interferes with us noticing how hurtful our words or actions or inactions might be to the other person.

Sometimes these are generational family “this is how we have always done it in my family” kinds of messages. 

 

And some of us never heard our parents apologize. To each other. Or to us. For anything.

At times like these, our preoccupation with our own needs diminishes our ability to have empathy – we are unable to put ourselves into the shoes of the other person or to understand their hurt and to share their feelings.
 

And some of us never heard our parents take responsibility or apologize. To each other. Or to us. For anything.

Some of us struggle with taking responsibility for actions because we confuse it with the idea we might feel blamed (or even shamed.)

 

 

                                                              © Can Stock Photo / artursz 

 

 

“Stages of Denial”

 

I was recently sent a note from reader Lisa Doran encapsulating her impressions of typical statements made when a sincere apology was needed.

I think Lisa really nailed it and I want to share it with all you . . .

 

“Stages of Denial” that I hear and see over and over
by Lisa Doran

 

1. I didn’t do it

2. If I did do it, I didn’t mean to do it

3. I don’t understand why this is an issue anyway. This is a “you” thing

4. If I did do it, it’s your fault I did it

5. I already said I’m sorry (note: this is said after no sorry’s have been expressed)

This sounds really familiar to me. To you too? 
And it also sounds like gaslighting to me ... what do you think?

 

 

'Make a Choice to Make a Change'^TM

 
Think about it this way: we cannot really purposefully change a behavior if we cannot see it.

So by walking alongside yourself and mindfully ‘noticing and naming’ your thoughts and behavior, you can call up the image of yourself coming to a fork in the road. And you can chose to move forward along a new path. 

 

You can ‘make a choice to make a change!’

 

I’d love to  hear your ideas about apologies – you can email me at [email protected]
 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

More about Blind Spots:  

bit.ly/44zlYya

 

More about Taking Things Personally and Psychological Projection:

bit.ly/3L4bks8

 

More about taking Responsibility and Sincere Apologies:

bit.ly/2DGrci5

 

Until next month …
Elayne
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Big-time Influence of Personal Boundaries

By Elayne Savage, PhD   © Can Stock Photo / arloo     Lately it seems just about every coaching client and therapy client and couple and family I’ve been seeing wants to talk about challenges that seem to reflect what appears to be some form of personal boundaries.    Not exactly sure why so many of the different aspects of boundaries are front and center right now but seems to be on everyone’s mind.   So I’m thinking maybe a refresher course in boundaries would be useful here.   Basically, personal boundaries are about respecting the physical, mental and emotional space of others.    Having good personal boundaries means being able to recognize and respect how your personal space is unique and separate from the personal space of others.   And having good personal boundaries means not confusing your own feelings, thoughts and ideas with those of someone else.     Personal Boundaries are About Respect   I believe this is the most important to understand: Boundaries are about respecting your own space and the space of others.  This includes honoring each other’s differences of style, feelings thoughts, ideas, values and needs for privacy. We each grew up in different families with different rules, roles and ways of being, often including different cultural influences.   Psychologists John and Linda Friel offer some good descriptions of seven categories of personal boundaries. I’ve used their descriptions as a foundation and added some of my own impressions.   Physical boundaries means other people respect your physical space. These boundaries are violated when someone goes into your room, uses your stuff without asking, or reads your diary. They’re also violated when someone touches, or tickles you when you don’t want him or her to, or pushes or hits you.   Intellectual boundaries means others respect your ideas or thoughts. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to discount your thoughts, saying things like, “You’re imagining it” or “You don’t really think that, do you?”   Emotional boundaries involve respect for your feelings. These boundaries are violated when someone tries to invalidate or ignore your feelings, takes you for granted, or psychologically abuses you by criticizing, belittling, or shaming.   Social boundaries mean a respect for your choices of social contact. They’re violated when someone criticizes where you go or who you choose to be with, for example, “Why on earth would you want to go out with her?” or “Why would you want to see that movie?”   Sexual boundaries are about the right to privacy and choosing who can touch you, where, and how they can touch you. In other words, respectful boundaries means no one can touch you without your permission. Some sexual boundary transgressions such as stranger or acquaintance rape are obvious, but others, such as staring, and leering can be confusing because they are not so obvious.   Money boundaries involve how you earn it, spend it, save it, and how much you need to feel a sense of security. There’s no question that different attitudes about money can cause relationship problems, especially if you don’t respect the other person’s style.    I grew up in a culture where folks would often ask “How much did you pay for that?”   Ethical boundaries  And of course in today’s political climate we are very aware of how principles guiding decision-making and professional integrity seem to be getting trounced daily in politics   Time boundaries hold special interest for me because I have struggled so many years with these. This means having respect for your own and others’ ways of dealing with time frames for getting things done.    Some of us are on time or even early for meetings or getting projects done. Others of us are “under the wire” people and thrive on the excitement of deadlines.    For years my nickname is “under the wire Elayne” and my usual 5 minutes late really causes problems when I’m meeting someone who is usually 10 minutes early!   My lateness is easily mistaken for a personal affront and perceived as disrespectful. In my typical ADHD way I’d try to squeeze in too many tasks or errands before meeting someone.    And I finally figured out I was choosing to be later than the person I was supposed to meet. Why? Because waiting for someone made me anxious. I would worry that they forgot, or stood me up, or some other form of rejection. Better they should wait for me, even though it meant they might get annoyed at my lateness.     Growing Up Boundary-less   When my psychology graduate school professors would talk about “personal boundaries” I couldn’t, for the life of me, understand what they meant.   I strained to get the point in lectures, but it eluded me. I found myself rereading the same paragraphs again and again, but the words made no sense.   Then it dawned on me — I didn’t have a clue regarding personal boundaries because when I was growing up boundaries didn’t exist in my family.   Privacy didn’t exist: grownups opened bedroom and bathroom doors without knocking and walked in. People were always talking over another person. No one was allowed to disagree with someone’s ideas or to ask questions to clarify someone’s meaning. Others expected you to have similar likes and dislikes and feelings to theirs.   For years I struggled to teach myself how to understand boundaries and limits.   Over the years I have become aware how many of my clients grew up with similar experiences to mine. Personal boundaries were not modeled very well, leading to a variety of inappropriate and intrusive behaviors.    Lots of us didn't learn how to clearly and definitively respect our own private space or the space of others.   In some of our families there may have been strict rules, but having rules is not the same as learning personal boundaries. Families often confuse the two.     Privacy vs. Intrusiveness in the Workplace   A situation I often hear about has to do with personal space at work, privacy and intrusiveness where generational cultural customs and messages can easily lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. One person often feels the other person does not respect their personal ‘space.’ I find it’s usually more a matter of not understanding cultural expectations of privacy and space.   For example, what if someone of German or Dutch descent is sharing work space with someone whose family originally came from Japan? German and Dutch houses tend to have thick walls and double hung doors, insuring quiet and privacy. What about doors in Japan? Yes. Paper sliding doors.    Can you can see how there might be privacy issues here where one person may be more sensitive to intrusions then the other?   I’ve heard clients describe growing up where having their own space was essential, they often retreated behind closed doors and kept involvement with family members to a minimum.   Even though your family may have immigrated decades or even centuries ago, the cultural expectations and ways of doing things tend to travel through the generations. Sometimes they are unspoken messages, copied by example.     Appropriateness in the Workplace    For over 35 years I’ve worked with clients on understanding and cleaning up personal boundaries in the workplace. Many are referred by their employers because unfiltered comments or jokes or inappropriate flirting or teasing or touching can easily lead to allegations of harassment or misconduct.   Most of us understand that sexually inappropriate behavior covers a broad area and that it may or may not include predatory behavior. It does, however, involve a certain cluelessness as to what constitutes recognizing and respecting the personal space of others.   And of course this disrespect too often has traumatic and long-term effects for the person experiencing boundary-less behavior.     More about boundaries in several blogs if you look up personal boundaries in the archives on my blog site: TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com   © Elayne Savage, PhD     Until next month,  Elayne     Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com [email protected] For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

 

 

The Supreme Court’s Decision to Impede Young Minds

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

     © Can Stock Photo / michaeldb

 

The way I see it, this was a huge week of giving permission for prejudice and discrimination based on two Supreme Court decisions. I know some of you will disagree.

 

Two decisions were made that easily could have far-reaching effects on just about all of us not just based in the color of our skin or our sexual preference, but could actually seep into other aspects of placing restrictions our way of life – even our religious practices or our political preferences.

 

I actually find the possible effects from these SC decisions very scary. The Court’s decision to effectively end race-conscious admissions is especially having an effect on me.

 

From Vox: “Affirmative action has been used for more than half a century by colleges and universities, initially to encourage the participation of historically marginalized groups and mitigate the effects of decades of segregation by university systems. Since the landmark Regents of the University of California v. Bakke case in 1978, the Supreme Court has repeatedly held that such programs can be used as a tool to foster diversity among a university’s student body, and that an applicant’s race or ethnic background could be deemed a plus when deciding between applicants who are similarly qualified. The Court determined that students from underrepresented racial backgrounds could “promote beneficial educational pluralism” that benefits all students — a goal compelling enough to the justices that they have continued its use. Since Bakke, the Court has upheld affirmative action in admissions despite multiple challenges, including Fisher v. University of Texas, decided as recently as 2016, in which Abigail N. Fisher, a white woman, claimed that she was rejected from the University of Texas at Austin because of preferences given to applicants of color.” 

 Vox: The SCOTUS decision on affirmative action in colleges, explained

 

Reliving An Old Scary Experience

 

With this Court decision, I am dreading to see the gigantic loss in the futures of so many creative and bright and dedicated young people who grew up with economic disadvantages and lack of parental encouragement. 

 

I saw quite a few of these kids when I was a Child Protective Services Social Worker. I remember one teen who tried out for the HS play, got a huge part, practiced hard. During performances not even one family member showed up. 

 

He did get encouragement from teachers to apply to colleges, but his just OK grades would have prevented admission to a respected college without affirmative action and teachers who believed in him. 

He’s a teacher himself, now – but you probably guessed that!

 

Visceral Deja Vu

 

This decision is bringing back the same kind of visceral response for me that the movie Django Unchained did when it reminded me of my student years at the University of Alabama in the 1960’s. The school was still all-white back then.

 

This was the famous George-Wallace-high-profile-grandstanding-standing-in-the-schoolhouse-door drama. The time was June, 1963. The place, Tuscaloosa, Alabama.The University was about to be integrated by Vivian Malone and James Hood. The movie’s story parallels the desegregation drama at the University. Both are about striving to preserve the Southern way of life.

 

I missed out on the actual “stand-in-the-schoolhouse-door” day. I had just graduated and returned to Baltimore. 

 

Well, I really didn't miss it. In a way, I was part of it.  I had been involved in the careful planning that began many months before.

 

Deputy U.S. Attorney General Nicholas Katzenbach confronts Alabama Governor George Wallace
and his attempt to block integration of students at the University of Alabama.
1963 file photo/The Associated Press. Photographer: Warren K. Leffler. U.S. News and World Report.

 

Knowing that desegregation was going to happen in the near future, a group of student leaders were organized to make sure plans were initiated and strategically choreographed. We were hoping to pre-empt problems and avoid violence. And we did! 

 

James Hood and Vivian Malone headed the cast of characters of this real-life drama and were seen as heroes by the media and most of the country. Many viewed Governor George Wallace who vowed to block desegregation as the antihero. Of course, his supporters saw him as defending the southern way of life.

 

There are many parallels between James Hood and Vivian Malone with Django Freeman and Dr. King Schultz, the bounty hunter who frees Django. And of course there are the shared values of Stephen, the sinister house slave and George Wallace, both defiantly standing in the doorway, fiercely protecting what they believed in. Which includes acting in their own best interests. 

 

I don’t know if Stephen had a nickname, but we called the Governor “Tail-Wind Wallace.”

 

The Real Heroes

 

The real heroes of this Alabama desegregation saga are Dr. John L. Blackburn, then Dean of Men at the University, and his band of student leaders. Many months before the official integration of the school, John L. organized thirty student leaders to make and carry out plans, meet with other students, and insure a smooth transition. He orchestrated the essentials and shepherded everyone through their roles. I remember being part of those planning sessions and how impressed I was with the commitment and teamwork involved.

 

Here's a reminder of what the climate was at like that time: This was seven years after mob violence took place at the University following the admission of Autherine Lucy in 1956. The violence was sparked when it became public that the University hadn’t realized from her application that she was African American.

 

The integration of the University took place a year before the Civil Rights Act of 1964 was enacted. At the time the white supremacy doctrine of the Ku Klux Klan influenced townspeople and politicians. KKK racism, lawlessness and violence towards African Americans was unchallenged in the Deep South media. 

 

However, in the early 60’s the Klan and their sympathizers began to realize integration was inevitable. They wouldn’t be able to stop it. 

 

And they were scared. And desperate. And dangerous. 

 

More about how the Klan tried to intimidate us:

Django Freeman Meets James Hood  

 

And here I am today reliving that decades old fearful feeling, especially being reminded  we just cannot take freedoms for granted.

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com [email protected] For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Trying to Feel Safe but Old Fears Keep Assaulting Me

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

   © Can Stock Photo / hmzphotostory

 

After many decades living in this house on a hill, I decided to move away from the slippery winding brick steps leading from the street to my front door. As I get older, they just don’t seem so safe anymore.

 

So now that I’m a full-fledged elder, I’ve been exploring various senior living choices in the Bay Area. There is a residence I love because it’s only 1/2 block away from one of my favorite shopping and restaurant streets. This really appeals to me. 

 

Lately though, along this vibrant street where I have spent so many enjoyable hours over the years something has changed. These days there are almost daily reports of smash-and-grabs to parked cars and recently have been sidewalk assaults  –– phones and purses stolen mostly by teens with guns. I know I cannot move nearby.

 

Maybe you, too, are becoming aware of danger lurking around where you live or shop. I recently read in the US there have been160 mass shootings so far this year and only 120 days have gone by! 

 

After over 50 shots were fired early this morning outside a Capitol Hill night club Seattle Police Chief Adrian Diaz observed: “People are too quick to pick up a gun!”

 

In the past when I begin to feel uneasy about goings-on around me, I blog and put my feelings out there.

 

I like to think of myself as generally brave and fearless and gutsy. However lately something has changed in me just as it has changed for the shopping street I love so much. 

 

Just thinking about about these incidences my skin crawls and tentacles of fear spread through my body. Why?

 

Oh, I get it.  I began to realize this PTSD-like visceral response comes from experiencing old fears from all those many years ago when I was a Child Protective Social Worker in San Francisco. 

 

I’d be holding my breath walking through some of those neighborhoods. Too often when I entered housing projects I had to climb stairs because someone jammed the elevators. I can’t even count the number of drug deals I interrupted on those landings.

 

 I had to be ultra-vigilant. “Whistling  a happy tune” just didn’t work.

 

I learned ways to try to feel a little safer. Whenever I found myself walking along a poorly lit sidewalk past dark doorways, I learned to walk out into the street in the open alongside the parked cars. This usually helped a little.

 

One day a co-worker was in the car with me. As we slowed and stopped for a stop sign someone in a nearby building shot through the window of my car - just behind my head. My colleague and I never ever talked about what happened even between ourselves – it all was so frightening.

 

One client was always worrying about me having to walk along a row of housing units to get to hers. So she showed me how to hold my set of keys between my fingers so they become a weapon if I needed to defend myself. Sometimes these days when I’m feeling scared, I find myself doing the key thing.

 

I had hoped those days of fear were over.  But lately I’m finding that all those scary memories I had tried so hard to submerge are assaultively bursting out.

 

I just re-read something I blogged way back in August 2009: 

 

“These surely are scary times. Many of us are leery of all the unknowns…. this uneasiness breeds fear.” 

 

I’m also remembering blogs from 15 years ago where I reflected on Fear, Anger, Outrage and Change.  I wrote “Little did I dream how relevant these musings would be today. Little did I imagine the Town Hall meetings would disintegrate into such chaos.  I had no clue how these uprisings could possibly instill so much fear. Or how the media would pounce and inflate.” 


 

And even back then I observed “Little did I dream how out of control and hysterical folks would become. The flames of fear were fanned and populist rage exploded.” 


 

I wrote: “This nation has become so fragmented and polarized. What has become of the idea of  one indivisible Nation ‘with liberty and justice for all?’

 

“F.E.A.R. is often described as 'False Exaggerations Appearing Real.' In other words, all too often fear arises through the prism of our misperceptions.” 

 

And now here we are 15 years later.

 

And I’m too scared to move into a neighborhood I love. 

 

Feeling Safe and Being Safe

Amanda Mull in The Atlantic writes about the difference between feeling safe and being safe:

 


“Safety is among the most powerful motivators of human behavior, which also makes the drive to feel safe a potent accelerant for confusion, disinformation, and panic. Staying safe requires an accurate, mutually agreed-upon understanding of reality on which to assess threats and base decisions.”


 


She goes on to explain: “To understand how humans think about safety, you have to understand how they think about fear. To be safe, people need to be free from the threat of physical or mental harm. But to feel safe, people need to be free from the perception of potential harm, confident that they understand what the likeliest threats are and that they are capable of avoiding them. Whether their perception is accurate is often incidental, at best, to the feeling itself.”

 

Yet, when we are feeling unsafe it's difficult to think clearly or act decisively. And to complicate matters, it's hard to escape the hourly fueling and fanning of fear by the media and politicians.

 

Yes, fear is in the air and there is something else in the air as well - helplessness and uncertainty. When these powerful, responses are rooted in early experiences, a child-like fright can take over. 

 

We start re-experiencing those times when we were young and terrified and helpless. Like waking up from a bad nightmare.

 

And a small voice asks, "What's going to happen to me?"

 

Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn

You are most likely aware how fear elicits primitive fight-flight-freeze-fawn responses. 

 

So many of us grew up where our feeling of  safety, security and trust were tarnished and compromised. 

 

It’s hard to remember that in the face of danger we do have choices. We can be pro-active in our thinking and actions to deal in the best possible way for us to feel safe.

 

So I keep checking in with myself: ‘What do I need to feel safe? And what do I need to be safe?’

 

This helps me put this overwhelm in perspective:

To ask myself: How am I affected by outside events?

Why am I debilitated to this degree?

What Options do I have here?

What steps can I take to overcome the fear?

 

I’ve blogged about Fear 43 times over the years –– here are a few:

What’s Going to Happen to Me? (Tips for Coping with Fear)

Traumatizing Experiences Can Bring On PTSD

The Scariness of Unpredictability

Needing to Feel Safe Amid Hate-filled/Fear-driven/Revenge-generated Horrors

and here is the link to all if my Fear-Themed Blogs. 

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

And what is your experience with all these goings on?

Do you,too,  have a story to tell?

 

Until next month, 

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit:T //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com [email protected] For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Wearing Victimhood As a Badge of Honor

 By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Can Stock Photo / bradcalkins

 

Yes, I admit I’ve been a Drama Queen since early childhood, feeling ‘done-to’ when I didn’t get my way or when folks didn’t agree with my ideas. Luckily, after a few decades I outgrew most of that – at least sometimes.

 

And lately as I read comments coming from the mouth of Donald Trump I’m reminded of my own overreactions whenever I was feeling like a victim and experiencing the pain of injustices or unfairness or disloyalty or resentment and taking something personally.

 

Three recent dramatic victim-y moments that stand out for me are:

 

– When after the search for missing classified documents, he lamented “My beautiful home, Mar-A-Lago in Palm Beach, Florida, is currently under siege, raided, and occupied by a large group of FBI.” 

 

– Prematurely posted on Truth Social: “WILL BE ARRESTED ON TUESDAY OF NEXT WEEK."
He then called on his followers to "PROTEST, TAKE OUR NATION BACK!” 

– And calling the criminal indictment “Politic Persecution and Election Interference at the highest level in history”

This high drama makes me feel so uncomfortable – he reminds me of how I used stamp my foot and pout before I emotionally began to grow up. And the memory is not pretty - kind of a PTSD montage of old hurts.

 

One day, several decades ago when I was a social worker, a co-worker once took me aside and observed that I appear to feel and act like a victim. I respected him and his observation.

 

What a gift he gave to me in that conversation! I thought hard about it and realized how my victimhood mostly would pop up at the times I found myself taking something personally.

Taking Things Personally Has Many Colorations

 

-  Taking offense at and overreacting to perceived slights.
 

-  Tending to believe there is intent even if there is not.

-  Taking things the wrong way, or taking things the right way but  your feelings get easily hurt.

-  Believing folks are taking sides – for you or against you.d

-  Feeling betrayed because you think someone is being disloyal.

-  Getting upset when other people don't see things the way you do.

-  Feeling unfairly criticized, blamed or disrespected.

-  Feeling slighted or wronged or attacked.

-  Developing hurt feelings and misunderstandings and even resentment.

 

If we feel we have been treated unfairly in the past, we tend to expect the same treatment  in the future.

Injustices tend to collect like flies on fly paper. 

-  "It's not fair!"
-  "I don't deserve this."
-  "How can you do this to me?"


Old Hurts Tend to Stockpile and Fester

 

Whenever a new perceived injustice hits us between the eyes in personal or work relationships, it can be devastating. 

 

Those early feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, rejection and self-rejection are reawakened.  

Early rejecting messages might come from family,
peers, teachers, mentors or coaches. Or from betrayals of
friendship. Or from failed friendships or romantic relationships.  


 

They might develop from feeling excluded. Or not being chosen. Or not being loved or respected in the way we yearn for.  


 

They might develop because our family doesn't understand us because we are 'different.' Maybe our ideas or goals are not accepted and we're told:
 

   
      “Why would you choose that?“         

      "What makes you think you can do that?"          

      "Who do you think you are?"  


 

These kinds of rejection messages usually boil down to feeling we are being treated unfairly. 


These cumulative experiences from family and teachers and peers influence how we see ourselves. 

 

When we see ourselves as ‘less-then, ’ we may feel like a victim. 

 

We may try to even the playing field and puff ourselves up. Sometimes we become bullies.

 

We all want to feel respected. And bullying is big-time disrespect which we perceive as rejection.

When we feel vulnerable, we tend to protect ourselves.  Some of us protect ourselves by taking a tough stance. 
 

When we puff ourselves up we diminish those around us and we can feel like a  'big deal.'

 

Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering - criticizing, belittling, shaming,  or publicly humiliating someone. All rejecting behaviors!

But rejection doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice. 

Rolling the eyes will get a reaction every time.

The flip side of feeling like a victim – feeling ‘done to,’ and feeling inadequate and 'less than' –  is puffing up and becoming a bully.

 

Taking  Bullying Personally

 

Taking things personally is connected to a myriad of rejection
issues:

feeling betrayed, judged, criticized, intruded upon,
humiliated, or bullied. The issue here is that someone is feeling
"dissed:" disrespected, discounted, disdained, disposable,
dismissed, disclaimed, dispensable, disregarded, disclaimed,
disbelieved, disparaged, disenfranchised.

 

Bullies are feeling neither good about themselves nor powerful in that moment. 
When they bully, they are only attempting to puff themselves up to feel more powerful.

 

Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering - criticizing, belittling, shaming, or publicly humiliating someone.

 

And sometimes bully behavior ignites into calls for or threats of violence.
 

But rejection doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice. Rolling the eyes will get a reaction every time.

It helps to understand these kinds of early bullying influences by reading this powerful opinion piece by Patti Davis, the daughter of Ronald Reagan:  

“Donald Trump’s father was a study in cruelty and tyranny, producing a son who, in order to get paternal approval, or even be noticed, had to be at least as cruel. Fred Trump still pulls on his son from beyond the grave, still hovers over him, whispering to him that emotions and empathy are shameful signs of weakness. None of us should underestimate the force of that relationship. Fred Trump may be gone, but his son still feels the sting of his rebuke, is still roiled by a desperate desire to have his father like him more than anyone else. He is still the kid at the dinner table trying to get daddy to like him best.” 

https://www.thedailybeast.com/fred-trump-tells-you-everything-there-is-to-know-about-donald

 

Davis’ piece points out the bullying demeanor of his father and how Donald strove to emulate it in order to impress his father. He became his father!

 

My focus as a psychotherapist and coach over the last 40 years has been to work with clients to identify what kinds of childhood messages they gave themselves about their worldview, the safety and security of their world and trust of the people in it.

 

And what early messages do you think young Donald gave himself about his world?

 

How devastating a bullying experience can be! How deeply it penetrates.

 

How powerful an effect it can have for years to come.

 

It’s said that we develop an image of who we are by the way we’re treated by others.

 

If others treat us with respect, we feel cherished and come to think of ourselves as lovable. If we’re treated with scorn, we feel reviled, and come to think of ourselves as unlovable.

 

It seems to be in this self-rejecting “unlovable,” unappreciated, insecure, anxious, hurting, ineffectual, vulnerable and diminished state that Donald Trump begins to puff himself up and to bully.   

 

It’s his cover for feeling inadequate, but it’s not working so well much of the time.

Observations By the Press

 

And it looks like even friendly press is focusing these days on Donald Trump’s tendency to wallow in victimhood and resentment.

 

Here are some observations about Donald Trump’s way of being in the world by Rupert Murdoch’s New York Post Editorial Board:

“There is no shame. 
After riling up rioters, cheering for a coup, and agreeing that his vice president needed to be hanged, he’s back to making violent threats against fellow Americans.
,,,,But rather than seek his vindication in the courtroom, or even just make an impassioned speech, Trump wants to inspire a mob.
Time and time again, Trump’s responses have been unhinged, indicative, and self-defeating.
Ever given Trump money?
If you stop, and even if you don’t, the angry pleas come fast and furious:

‘Don’t you care!?’
‘How could you abandon him?’

But Trump is not trying to make America a better place. 
He’s out for revenge.
This is how Trump has been spending his time since announcing his run for president. Stewing in Mar-a-Lago.  
No grievance is too small. 
Trump can’t stop himself from nursing piddling grudges and throwing out childish insults.

Less rage and more rational action to fix the problems facing our nation.”

https://nypost.com/2023/03/24/trump-wont-change-and-that-shows-he-cant-win/

Taking Disappointment Personally

 

To be sure, thinking positively and having hope and setting
intention are useful qualities. However, when our expectations are unrealistic and come crashing down - reality is a hard landing place.

 

Unrealistic expectations are setups for disappointment,
disillusionment, and resentment.

When we're too invested in a
certain outcome, we tend to take disappointment personally. 
 

Each new disappointment reminds us of past setbacks. 
Who among us hasn't believed exaggerated promises or engaged in some wishful thinking or put someone on a pedestal, only to watch them take a tumble?

 

Too often disappointment feels like rejection. And rejection hurts.

 

So some of us badly want to avoid this painful feeling and we compensate by pretending to ourselves that we are actually highly successful.  

 

If we tell ourselves enough times that we won a competition or a popularity contest –– or an election, we actually start believing it in order to save our self-esteem.

And Donald Trump appears to use his victimhood to develop a tight bond with a public that identifies. He is very good at this!

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com [email protected] For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

In the Spirit of Teamwork

By Elayne Savage, PhD https://abc17news.com/news/2023/02/24/mccarthy-and-jeffries-creating-bipartisan-task-force-to-determine-process-to-boot-members-off-committees/ I was excited to see a headline of House Speaker Kevin McCarthy and House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries deciding to team up by creating a bipartisan task force.    Even the thought of Congressional teamwork feels like a breath of fresh air after so many months of disrespect and antagonism and fighting between the the two parties.    This task force is supposed to ensure there would be due process going forward on House committee removal –– which has been done recently in what I felt were pretty shoddy ways.   The Washington Post wrote: “The task force represents a step toward a truce between the two parties, which have spent a significant amount of time over the past two years punishing lawmakers by depriving them of their committee assignments.”   To me, it sometimes felt like abruptly pulling the chair away just as someone is about to sit down.   Wouldn’t it be refreshing to negotiate  a way to steer away from retaliations and dissing in the future and to stay cooperative and respectful!   Seeing this plan for Congressional teamwork reminds me of how teamwork seems to have become a popular theme of many of my sessions with couples, families and workplace clients. Actually for decades I have described my work as teamwork - rolling up our sleeves and working together.   Interestingly there seems to be a more than usual recent desire for teamwork. More then I usually see in my 40 years of private practice.   Hmmmm. So maybe it is time to blog again about respect and clear communication and teamwork in relationships. Respect of course is a frequent focus of my blogs because it is the opposite of feeling dissed and rejected.    So let’s re-visit some teamwork highlights:   Fifteen years ago I wrote Relationship Lessons from Yosemite – how sights and experiences in Yosemite can be a metaphor about relationships. - giving and accepting respect - the ability to trust - allowing sincerity, honesty, authenticity and vulnerability - the capacity for teamwork – working and playing together. All of this woven together by open and direct communication.   Sixteen years ago I wrote  Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships where I offered a definition of teamwork for couples:   "Providing support and satisfactions for each other in mutually fulfilling ways . . . . This collaboration includes flexibility, willingness to resolve conflicts, the ability to work and play together, and consideration of the needs and goals of your partner."   In the Spirit of Teamwork In my work with couples, I encourage them to roll up their sleeves, put their heads together and come up with some creative ideas for getting things done.    We look at it in the spirit of teamwork and cooperation.  Then we take a good look at how teamwork can enhance the relationship:   - What does teamwork mean to each one?  - What does it mean to be 'a good team player'?  - What are their goals? Individual and together? - What are their expected outcomes?  - What are their challenges?  - How can they work together effectively? - What situations work best?  - What might get in their way? - Are they communicating clearly?    We explore the ways teamwork already exists in their relationship. Then we look for ways to enhance what is already there.   We look for a way or two that they are already a good team. Maybe one helps with the other's business, or is supportive of projects and endeavors.  Maybe they're a great team at planning parties or meals or trips. Maybe they even travel well together. Or share parenting decisions or functions.   - Can they identify the areas in which they are already a good team? - Can they employ teamwork and/or team building skills learned in professional areas of their lives? - Can they take these personal and professional skills and transfer them to a new area that needs some good teamwork ?    Teamwork in Personal and Professional Relationships   Good teamwork skills exist in both personal and professional relationships:   - recognizing each other's strong points  - valuing and respecting each other  - agreeing to fully participate - working together cooperatively - identifying how each person is part of something larger than him or herself - understanding how each one fits into the bigger picture   RESPECT is a Key Ingredient Here By respecting ourselves, we can ask directly for what we need and want in the way of cooperation from the other person. By speaking respectfully to the other person, you increase the chances for successful teamwork.    Sometimes it is difficult to  respect and accept someone's  style of doing things when it's different from your own.   You each grew up in different families with different styles of thinking, communicating, doing, creating and being. Sometimes there are also cultural influences— attitudes, beliefs, rules, values, and expectations. These family messages are passed down from generation to generation – sometimes non-verbally.    APPRECIATION is Important Too Sometimes it's the small considerations and kindnesses that our partner does. These could be meaningful if only we would notice them and give appreciation. "Thank you" goes a long way toward developing connection. However, first you have to observe their words or actions.   EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS:   - Listening to each other's ideas and concerns - Respectful Questioning - Respectful Persuading when appropriate - Clear, unambiguous communication   Oh there’s that ‘communication’ word! On my intake forms I ask: ‘Why did you decide to come into therapy now?’ The most common answer  is “communication problem.”  Same is true regarding workplace clients.   We all want to be listened to and heard and understood and connected.   Unfortunately many of us grew up with confusing and even crazy-making communication models. Maybe people said one thing and seemed to mean another. Maybe things just didn't get said, only hinted at.  Maybe we were expected to somehow read someone's mind.   Some of us never learned how to communicate clearly and directly with another person. We struggle to say what we mean and also to make sure the other person is hearing and understanding us.   And it’s not easy to make sure we understand what the other person means because growing up in our families we never learned how to check out their words so we played guessing games about meaning.   We tend to ‘fill-in-the-blanks’ with our own assumptions due to lack of skills to check out intent and meaning.  And too often we take it personally!   I teach a simple 3-step way  to initiate clarification: “This is what I heard you say ———————————. Is it what you said? Is it what you meant?”   This gives the other person two different opportunities to make sure their intention is clear. I see respectfully clarifying meaning as about the best relationship tool available. Miscommunication leads to misunderstands and hurt feelings and taking something personally –– and then resentment grows. Resentment takes up so much relationship space there is barely room for connection. PERSUASION and NEGOTIATING SKILLS   And when it's time to be persuasive and negotiate agreements, here are some tips: - Be direct. Ask for what works best for you. Trite but true:   If you don't ask, the answer is always 'no.' - Be direct. Turn complaints into clear statements of what you really yearn for. Under every act of complaining is a yearning for something to be different. Your job is to know what that something is and ask for it. - Be direct. Don't just cross your fingers and hope the other person will read your mind. You'll only be disappointed. And disappointment often feels like rejection!     Learning to be direct gives you a ticket to success. I believe the many inquiries I receive about my communication coaching reflect the optimism out there. Folks seem optimistic that communicating clearly and directly is do-able with a little coaching and a lot of practice.   I see it this way, Good respectful communication is the foundation of good teamwork. And good teamwork is the foundation of successful work and personal relationships.    Here is the link to Prevention Magazine’s recent piece on Conflict Resolution. I was pleased to be able  to contribute some of my ideas.   And by the way, if a discussion starts to get off track, another area of good teamwork is having the understanding you both agree that either party can suggest calling  a “time out.” Something like “I’d like to take a short walk to to collect my thoughts. I’ll be back in 20 minutes” (or 30 minutes or 45 minutes).   But be sure you are back when you promise. That’s respectful.   Even though you may know the other person well, sometimes we discover how folks can get pretty anxious while waiting when someone is late arriving. And it can feel like disrespect.   Would love to hear from you if you have some good teamwork tips or stories.   © Elayne Savage, PhD   Until next month, Elayne   Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com [email protected] For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

You're a Grand Old Flag – What Happened?

By Elayne Savage, PhD     While watching a documentary the other day I heard a song I grew up with that always made me so happy. Sometimes I would sing and even march along to it.     I have such fond memories of A Grand Old Flag and I just love hearing The Singing Senators rendition from 1996 on YouTube.  They were Sen.Trent Lott (R-Mississippi) – Bass, Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) – Lead Vocals, Sen. John Ashcroft (R-Missouri) – Baritone,   Sen. Jim Jeffords (R-Vermont)- Tenor,   And guess what – Listening to them sing got me standing up and singing and marching along!   You can find it at 0.45 right after This is My Country. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OaS9Goj4Rzs   You're a grand old flag, You're a high flying flag And forever in peace may you wave. You're the emblem of The land I love. The home of the free and the brave. Every heart beats true 'Neath the Red, White and Blue, Where there's never a boast or brag. Should old acquaintance be forgot, Keep your eye on the grand old flag   And then I got really sad.   Sad for what seems like the demise of the country that I used to feel so proud was my country:    “The Greatest on earth.” “The emblem of the land I love.”  “The home of the free and the brave.” “Where there’s never a boast or brag.” (Imagine! Boast and Brag free!) What happened to the land I love? What happened to our grand old flag forever waving in peace? Where did the ‘forever in peace’ go?   Well, yes, I guess I am pretty patriotic.   I’m a Washingtonian. I grew up with and respected so many symbols of our government.   Watching the Capitol being abused on 1/6 was really difficult for me. It felt personal.    It sickens me to see videos of how the metal flagpoles from our Grand Old Flag became weapons of hate and destruction against those brave men/women who were trying to protect the Capitol Building and our Democracy.   And it is staggering to me that it feels everything honorable that these symbols stand for are being dishonored by so much contention and infighting and lying and name-calling and bullying and blaming and shaming.   Honestly, what scares me the most are the attempts at voter suppression in some of the states.  Joyce Vance, previously a U.S. Attorney for the Northern District of Alabama and presently a law professor at the University of Alabama decries “claims of victory via voter suppression in Georgia and Wisconsin (and) Ohio’s new law . . . one of the country’s strictest voter identification laws. Before it was passed, voters could use a wide variety of items to establish their identity at the polls, including bank statements and utility bills. Under the new measure, they have to have a driver’s license, state ID, passport, or military ID to cast a vote. Notably, college and university IDs didn’t make the cut. (And) concern that” the free veteran ID cards issued by Ohio counties would no longer count as a valid form of ID for voting.   “There are concerns the ability to vote for as many as 1 million Ohioans could be impacted by the new law because they have suspended driver’s licenses due to a lack of insurance or unpaid fines and court costs. The report concluded that suspensions disproportionately impact impoverished urban communities of color.   “The rationale for the bill was to improve public confidence in elections because of voter fraud. But even Ohio’s Republican Secretary of State, Frank LaRose, who supported the measure, has repeatedly said the state’s elections are fair and untarnished by fraud. He acknowledged that the possible fraud in the 2020 Ohio General Election was 0.0005%.   “Understanding the outrageous measures like the Ohio law that create a fundamentally unfair playing field is enough to offend the sensibilities of most Americans.”   “Voting rights lawyer Marc Elias filed a lawsuit challenging the statute."   https://open.substack.com/pub/joycevance/p/dont-look-up?r=192n8&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email   Blaming and Shaming and Taking Things Personally. Oh My.   And you are most likely pretty aware of the daily reports of contention and infighting and lying and name-calling and bullying and blaming and shaming that I mentioned above.   I‘m hoping that somehow we can find our way back to the days of the grand old flag. At least to some modicum of integrity and respect. Please.   I would really love to hear your thoughts on all of these goings-on.   What feelings and concerns do you have?   Are you as troubled about trusting and feeling safe and secure as I am?   What can we do about this mess?   Oh, and by the way, I heard the Singing Senators YouTube video when I was watching Blake Zeff’s ‘Loan Wolves’ documentary investigating how Student Debt is prohibited from being discharged by filing for bankruptcy,     On Peacock and MSNBC YouTube Trailer:   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kL7SCY7gC1M   © Elayne Savage. PhD   Until next month,  Elayne   Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

I really hate being lied to and I’m having a huge reaction to the blatant lying that’s going on politically.

 

I feel my stomach knotting up as I recall my childhood confusion in trying so hard to distinguish what is truth and what is made up. 

 

Congressman-elect George Santos’ recently exposed lies and misstatements and exaggerations and distortions and hypocrisy brings on a full-fledged case of PTSD for me.  

 

I'm sure it's because I grew up in a confusing and chaotic world of Alternative Facts. Falsehoods. Deceptions. Deflections. Concealment. Evasion. Misrepresentation. And Secrecy.

 

As much as I try to wear my Big Girl pants, any flavor of lie can cause a gut reaction. And this includes lies by omission – deliberately withholding important facts. 

 

I hear similar stories from workplace and therapy clients about the times they have felt betrayed by a person or a group that they trusted. 

 

Even small lies can seem big to a little kid – like when you asked a question and were given whatever information was handy at the time because the grownups probably didn’t know the real answer. And some of us who are overly-sensitive to these kinds of things, seeing the dismissal as a rejection and taking it personally.

 

And all too often all these years later the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult.

 

And I hated it when I told “Don’t tattle” they'd say when I tried to report a behavior that made me uncomfortable. “Your Uncle would never say something like that. You’re just imagining it!” It's like I get blamed and accused of lying! 

 

How rejecting it is to have perceptions and feelings discounted and invalidated! 

 

I began to doubt my own perceptions and question what I thought I saw or heard or did.

 

I remember how badly I wanted a poodle skirt in Junior High School. My dad said we couldn’t afford one so I went to several stores to get ideas. Then I bought an inexpensive, plain felt skirt (pink, of course) and made a wonderful fluffy gray poodle to stitch onto it. I made little individual loops of gray yarn for the ears, chest, and tail. Then I made a rhinestone collar and gold leash. I was really proud of that skirt — to me it looked as good as store-bought. 

 

I wasn’t prepared for what happened next. My aunt asked me where I bought the skirt so she could buy one for my cousin. When I told her I made the poodle, she said, “You’re lying. You couldn’t possibly have made this skirt.” 

 

I was stupefied. And then I actually began to doubt if I did indeed make the poodle. After all, she spoke with so much authority when she told me I was lying that I believed her. 

If our impressions are invalidated and discounted, we learn to discount ourselves as well. And we begin to reject ourselves. 

 

It’s Like Traveling Through the Looking Glass and Falling Down the Rabbit Hole 

Do you remember when you were little, thinking your mom or dad looked upset, and asking, “Are you sad?” And did they ever quickly say, “No, you’re imagining it.”

I was always getting confused about things like that. I began to regard my own observations and senses as unreliable guides. I didn’t know what was real and hardly dared to ask. If I risked saying how I felt, they’d respond, “You must be kidding.” I perceived the underlying message to be, “Are you crazy?”

When I was able to put words to it, I realized our conversations were often a combination of vague generalities, distorted reasoning and constantly changing the subject. Drama and chaos served to distract from goings-on that really needed attention. 

There seemed to be an unspoken family rule against asking questions to clarify and define. 

It felt like walking through the Looking Glass where "Everything Up is Down. Everything Down is Up." A surreal and crazy-making Wonderland-ish quality with a parallel universe, an alternate reality. 

 

The Cheshire Cat nailed it: “We’re all crazy here.” 

 

And now it's like déjà vu when daily news reports recreate that same crazy-making experience  –  complete with denials, distractions, alternative facts. And gaslighting. 

“You’re imagining it!”

“You didn’t hear me say that.”

“You must have misunderstood.”

“No, that’s not what you saw!”

“It’s all in your head.”

“What? Are you crazy?”

 

So, What Exactly is Gaslighting?

When I was a psychology doctoral student gaslighting was a term we used to describe narcissistic, sociopathic or abusive relationships where one person purposefully denied the perceived reality of the partner.

 

 

The term comes from the 1940’s film Gaslight with Charles Boyer, Ingrid Bergman and Joseph Cotton, about a woman whose husband, in order to distract her from his criminal activities, manipulates her into questioning her perception of reality, He deliberately dims the gaslights in the house, and when his wife comments on it he tells her she’s “imagining it.“ She begins to believe she is going insane. 

 

Gaslighting has become a popular term as described by Frida Ghitis, CNN Opinion Contributor, these include:

"saying and doing things and then denying it, blaming others for misunderstanding, disparaging their concerns as oversensitivity, claiming outrageous statements were jokes or misunderstandings, and other forms of twilighting the truth"

 

Over the years I’ve blogged about mystification, Scottish psychiatrist R. D. Laing’s observations of communication styles in highly dysfunctional families – attempts to befuddle, cloud, obscure, and mask what is really going on. 

 

Todays popular term “gaslighting” has taken on some of the same meaning as Laing's "Mystification" ideas.

 

What If Someone Believes Their Own Lies? 

Does repeating a lie make it appear true?

And what if someone is fooling him or herself? What if their reality is different from that of most other folks? What if they have difficulty distinguishing Fact from Fiction? Reality from Fantasy? 

And what if when someone tries to correct them, they seem to cover their ears and sing loudly to block out the truth.

 

Permission to Act Badly

How do folks think they can get away with this this kind of blatant lying? The answer is we watch toxic behavior of others and we copy it. It’s like they are giving us permission to act that way. Lying is a good example. 

 

Over the years I’ve been blogging about how attitudes, moral character, values and temperament appear to be trickling down from our political leaders into our workplace and personal lives.

 

Catching the Disrespect Virus

Let’s start with understanding why there seems to be such a toxic atmosphere around: disrespect, black and white thinking, contentious behavior, personal attacks, sharp tones of voice, aggressiveness, nastiness, character assassination, outbursts, bullying, anger and rage, vindictiveness, outright lying, and deflections. 

 

And there seems to be an inability to take responsibility for actions and say “I made a mistake and I’m sorry.”

 

I’m hearing about this trickle down from psychotherapy and workplace clients and from friends and colleagues. 

 

I’m hearing about it from schoolteachers where bullying, name-calling and cultural slurs are becoming rampant, even in kindergarten. 

 

I’m hearing stories about extreme polarization, arguments and short tempers at dinner tables and in meetings with coworkers or committee members. 

 

As if someone said it’s OK. And by their actions and words they did sort of give permission. 

 

Could it be that many of us are catching the disrespect virus that keeps popping up all around us? 

 

It’s as if we are being given permission by our former president, the person who used to hold highest office in the land to act out in similar ways to what we observe happening in Congress.   Ways that normally would cross our boundaries of appropriateness and propriety.

 

For many of us seeing these behaviors brings back uncomfortable childhood memories of manipulation and exploitation. 

 

For many of us it brings up old feelings of rejection. 

 

And all too often for most of us, the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult.

 

Connected to mystification is obfuscation - the willful concealment of meaning in communication, making it ambiguous, confusing and hard to interpret.

 

Whenever I’m exposed to gaslighting I feel like a child again, –– confused, befuddled and finding myself mistrusting my own perceptions. And learning to mistrust others.

 

Psychological Projection Can Be Crazy-making

Even more crazy-making is psychological projection – when one person blames the other for their own unacceptable behavior, undesirable thoughts and feelings, or their own limitations. 

 

They may be projecting onto you their own dark side, their own blind spots.

We see it in campaigning all the time: in the form of accusations made by one party about the other. Accusations about voter fraud, health care plans, tax plans, the economic crisis, negative ads, and Covid.

 

My workplace and psychotherapy clients are experiencing effects of this and to be honest, it's really getting to me too. 

 

Every day I feel increasingly contaminated by the negative energy of it. I hate the way it has been affecting my interactions with others . . . and with myself.

 

Have you, too, been experiencing contentious behaviors in your family or work situations? Or have you found yourself losing control more than usual? 

 

What Is All This Mirroring About?

It is useful here to understand the concept of isomorphism (sometimes referred to as ‘parallel process’ or ‘social contagion.’)   

 

You’ve probably noticed how images in TV commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example as you watch, a human face changes into a lion’s face or an antelope transforms into a car.


 

Well, this is what happens with many interactions as well. One process morphs into another — taking on the same properties. 

 

It is a mirroring of one situation by another, a reflection of one by the other. We pick up the mood or energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it – often unknowingly until it is pointed out. 

 

When attitude, character and temperament seem to trickle down, this is isomorphism.

When this culture of disrespect affects global interactions, this is isomorphism. 

When our interactions with family or friends or neighbors or coworkers or colleagues appear to be permeated by the negative qualities of politicians, this is isomorphism. 

 

And there is something contagious about this kind of contentious, pervasive and toxic behavior. Could it be that many of us of catching the disrespect virus that keeps popping up all around us?

 

Politics have become so full of lies, half-truths, evasiveness and exaggerations I finding myself checking things out regularly with the AP Fact Checks at http://apnews.com/APFactCheck

Or with Politifact.com at

https://www.politifact.com

 

Interestingly, R.D. Laing's article on Mystification begins with: "You can fool some of the people some of the time . . . ."

 

I really don't like being fooled.

 

Now in this New Year, I’m hoping to hear more sincerity, honesty truth, and the ability to say, ”I’m sorry, I made a mistake.”

 

More about R.D.Laing’s work:

R.D. Laing: Mystification, Confusion and Conflict

http://www.laingsociety.org/biblio/mystification.htm

More on Lying: When Does Lying Become Compulsive or Pathological?

https://psychcentral.com/blog/deliberately-untruthful-normal-vs-abnormal-lying

 

Sending you Warm Wishes for a Happy New Year!

 

Until next month, 

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Broadsided by Antisemitism

By Elayne Savage, PhD

© Can Stock Photo / nialowwa

 

I never expected to feel so afraid again in my lifetime. 

 

But here we are - stories in the news just about every day now of rampant antisemitism and so many other types of cringe-worthy hateful behaviors. 

 

For me it’s like a kind of PTSD –– an uncontrollable body reaction from my childhood. Vivid memories of spiteful hurtful words coming out of mouths twisted up with anger. 

 

I was 7 years old when my next door neighbors were spitting at me from their adjoining porch.  As they spat out “Dirty Jew” it seemed like they were foaming at the mouth.

 

The teenage son Johnny would block my path with his bike as I walked down our alley and he'd threaten to hurt me because I was a “Dirty Jew.”

 

But here’s the most upsetting part: the daughter Marion was my regular playmate and good friend. We had so much fun practicing song and dance routines in her basement. I especially remember:

“While strolling through the park one day,

In the merry merry month of May,

I was taken by surprise,

By a pair of roguish eyes,

In a moment my poor heart was stole away.”

 

And Marion taught me some Italian too – the words to the lullaby

"Chi-baba, chi-baba, chi-wawa

My bambino kook-a la goombah

Chi-baba, chi-baba, chi-wawa my bambino go to sleep!"  

 

And I've never forgotten them.

 

I remember the day we took a long walk together and as we were passing her church she invited me inside, led me to the altar and showed me how to light the candles. 

 

I still never miss a chance to spend time in a church or cathedral and I always light candles, remembering those times with Marion.

 

I’m always hoping these sweet, dear remembrances will balance the snarl and hateful words of the parents, but alas, no. 

 

PTSD-Like Flashbacks

 

Something always sets off this old fearful visceral response. 

 

Often it’s something I hear or read connected to hatred, and I cringe from the reawakening of those foaming-at-the-mouth memories.

 

As you may have guessed the latest incident was when two men known for their racist and antisemitic beliefs were welcomed for dinner at Mar-a-Lago by Donald J. Trump –– Ye (formerly known as rapper Kanye West) and Holocaust Denier Nick Fuentes.

 

Ye has recently been condemned for making antisemitic comments on social media and he felt the consequences of his actions when several businesses severed ties with him.

 

Nick Fuentes is well-known as a White Supremacist, anti-Semite and Holocaust Denier. He was a college student when he came to prominence during the Charlottesville ‘Unite the Right’ rally in 2017 – where the marchers chanted “Jews will not replace us.” 

 

That day, hearing those chants, I really grasped the frightening extent of today’s antisemitism. 

 

On the February 2022 livestream of his ‘America First’ program, Fuentes announced “I’m just like Hitler.”

 

This dinner invitation was clearly an ill-thought-out action that will likely be interpreted as an invitation or directive for encouraging, legitimizing, and normalizing bigotry. 

 

It easily can become a coded message, a ‘dog-whistle’ to embolden suggestible folks to engage in scary hateful acting-out behaviors. 

 

And the consequences of giving permission to express hatred could be deadly.

 

Giving Permission – A Double Edged Sword

 

I’m fascinated with the various aspects of ‘giving permission.’

 

In my work with therapy and workplace clients almost every day I have the opportunity to ‘give permission’ for them to try out new ideas and behaviors and skills. I love to be able to help clients recognize that in tough or stressful situations they do have choices and can expand their options. 

 

They can choose to give themselves permission to recognize and ask for what they need. Permission to keep their expectations realistic. Permission to experience success by doing a 'good enough' job. Permission to try out new ideas, behaviors and skills. Permission to check things out with the other person and not presume meaning or intent.

 

Permission-giving happens in the business world as well when the company culture actually encourages shady behaviors by way of 'winks and nods' and ‘turning a blind eye’ when management, sets the  “Tone at the Top.”

 

And then, there is the scary Dark Side of being given permission and encouragement to express anger and frustration and hatred by engaging in bullying behavior or creating violence and turmoil through verbal and physical attacks or even committing mass killings including the copycatting of violent behavior. 

(By the way, usually bullies need to puff themselves up to overcome their own insecurities and feel powerful, and they need to diminish others in order to feel in control of their own anxieties)

And have you noticed how there are many "no comments?" Silence shrieks permission and encouragement by condoning the behavior.

 

More on Giving Permission:  Giving Permission – A Double Edged Sword

 

I never expected to see this kind of rampant hate against my religion in my lifetime and I do not feel safe.

 

I’ve become used to the police and security always outside of synagogues during religious services. 

 

It’s so weird to feel upset realizing they are there because I could be in danger, and yet at the same time feeling calmed by their presence. 

 

“Give Me Your Huddled Masses Yearning to Breathe Free” (and I Will Provide Safety and Security)

 

Many of our ancestors came to this country because of fearful living conditions ­­­­­­–– sometimes by human trafficking, however most chose to escape life-threatening conditions: religious persecution, genocide, or illness and death from diseases like the Irish potato famine.

 

As you can imagine, fears regarding safety and security and trust and death and abandonment have been passed down through the generations in many of our families. 

 

The dangerous, unhealthy conditions left behind in the ‘old country’ are usually never spoken about once a family settles in this country. 

 

However these fears can be incredibly influential and damaging to each subsequent generation.

 

In my several decades of working with psychotherapy and workplace clients we explore the impact of these often unspoken generational messages.

 

I am not naive to the long-time undercurrent of discrimination toward Jewish people. 

 

I certainly experienced it at the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa when I was a student there in the days the Klu Klux Klan was openly active. In fact, the Imperial Wizard, Robert Shelton, actually lived in Tuscaloosa!

 

The KKK burned a 14 ft cross on the front lawn of A Jewish fraternity. They also threatened violence toward other Jewish students as well. As a scare tactic, my sorority house was broken into, requiring round the clock campus police protection. There were threats of violence just before an upcoming pep rally and school officials asked not to wear our fraternity or sorority pins in public.

 

In other words, unless we became invisible our lives were in danger. It was a scary time. 

 

Interestingly, it was the burning of the cross at his fraternity that led my friend Joe Levin to become a civil rights activist attorney.. “Once my eyes were opened, I couldn't ignore others who were persecuted around me.”

 

And in 1971 Joe Levin started the Southern Poverty Law Center with Morris Dees, which as you may know has prosecuted the Klan and other hate groups many times over the years.

More on KKK:   Django Freeman Meets James Hood

 

Yes I’ve felt prejudice, yes, I’ve been scared before, but I never, ever dreamed I would experience in my lifetime such a massive outpouring of such alarming  antisemitic behavior in the United States of America.

 

I’m afraid. 

I’m very afraid. 

 

I believe what frightens me most is when influential people  give permission to act dangerously hateful.

Vox explains: The deep roots of antisemitism’s resurgence in America

 

My ancestors came to the US to escape persecution and to feel safe and secure. They were able to provide security for their children and grandchildren. 

 

What happened? 

 

© Elayne Savage

 Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

 

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

John Fetterman and Me and Auditory Processing Challenges

 

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

© Can Stock Photo / radiantskies

 

I was reading up on auditory processing disorder while I was working with a client who needed closed captioning and transcribing accommodations in her college classes.   OMG -- I found myself reading about ME!    These APD articles totally helped me identify and understand my own limited ability to process verbal information.    It always seemed like there was a space between hearing the words and my brain actually being able to process the words I had just heard. I often found that words were running together and garbled – especially if the person was talking fast.  And I was always de-coding.   Before this discovery, I had learned from my neuropsychologist that tests showed I had ADHD (you may have seen my recent blog about this: New Kid On the Block – Intention Deficit Disorder.)   We figure I’ve been dealing with both the ADHD and Auditory Processing for much of my life along with my hearing impairment.   My audiologist says that most folks with hearing loss also have some difficulty with auditory processing and that it tends to show up even more as we age.   And yet, I think I’ve been functioning pretty OK over the last 30 years as a psychotherapist, professional speaker, author and blogger.    Actually, my two recent concussions are causing more challenges than any of this other stuff.    Sometimes I pause a bit before answering a question, or have to ask for it to be repeated, or stumble over words, or can’t quite get to the word I want to use.    With all the negative attention to Senate candidate John Fetterman’s difficulty with auditory processing from his recent stroke, it gets me wondering if some folks have had negative thoughts about my workshops, interviews, workplace coaching or therapy sessions. Yes, I guess was sometimes on the verge of taking it personally and feeling rejected.   Have they secretly been making fun of me the way some folks do about John Fetterman’s speech?  I’m aware that my ability to think and write are not at all affected but I now I’m wondering what others have been thinking about my brain.   I couldn’t be without closed captioning to watch TV and some movies. I loved the idea that John Fetterman used it in his recent TV debate. Sure wish I had thought of using captioning in other venues to help me out. But then maybe folks would have made fun of me for doing that.    Because of the attention to Lt. Gov. Fetterman’s speech difficulties, there have been some wonderfully informative articles about auditory processing and I’m sharing them with you below.    You may even recognize yourself or someone you care about as you read.   Here are some highlights from that very first piece I was reading when I first realized APD is Me.   From Andrea’s Blog:  https://qw88nb88.wordpress.com/living-with-auditory-processing-disorder/   – The ears take in everything, but the brain has trouble sorting it out.   – It’s like having poor cell phone reception, where the signal gets static or drops out.    – Difficulty discriminating between a voice and the background noises.    – Difficulty understanding people when more than one person is speaking.    – Having to rely on context to puzzle out what people are saying.   – I have always misunderstood musical lyrics (and creatively concocted my own); I can never repeat a conversation verbatim that lasts longer than a few seconds.   – Verbal directions are hard to keep straight – writing them down helps a lot.   – All my life my teachers and parents have complained I didn’t pay attention: “What’s wrong with you”  “Why aren’t you listening to me?“    Tips for coping from Andrea and Her Blog Readers:    –  Asking people to face you.   –  Sitting closer to a speaker whenever possible, saying I have trouble hearing.   –  Looking at people’s lips when they talk.    –  Writing down lists of things I’m asked to do. Otherwise, I forget what I hear.    –  Repeating back what I hear, in a different way if possible. This is for two reasons. One, I often hear the wrong thing and put together the wrong instruction set. The second reason is because even if I hear the right thing, I often misunderstand the meaning or miss specific, clarifying words.    –  Asking people to move to a quieter place to talk. Usually all this takes is simply moving myself to a little corner. Speakers will follow without a word because it’s natural to want to be closer when talking to someone.    –  When appropriate, allowing the use of an assistive listening device (ALD). It consists of a receiver with headphones for myself, and a wireless mike for the speaker. This allows the information to transmit directly through the headphones while eliminating most extraneous noises.    –  I often email people with the information I understand, and ask them to verify (in writing and by responding, so I have the original with their response).    – I find it helpful to take literate notes because it keeps me involved in the meeting, so I become the unofficial note taker.    – Telling people to do what I need them to do so I can understand. I never had the confidence to that before that past several years. I just thought I was stupid and should be able to keep up by now.    Sharing John Fetterman's Challenges   So in many ways John Fetterman and I have some of the same challenges. The major difference is that I have been living with mine for many years and my APD will not get better. Because his APD resulted from a stroke, his brain will continue to rebuild and his speech will continue to improve.   And again, here is the link to this really helpful and very long blog by Andrea: https://qw88nb88.wordpress.com/living-with-auditory-processing-disorder/   One of my favorite ADHD sites is www.AdditudeMag.com and offers these takes on Auditory Processing Disorder plus some self-testing. And by the way, October has been ADHD Month!   "Auditory processing disorder (APD) occurs when the ears and brain are not in sync. This disconnect can cause challenges with differentiating similar sounds.   This disconnect can cause a range of challenges – struggles with auditory discrimination, with listening in noisy environments, with remembering what you’ve heard, and with recalling the sequence of words spoken – that may resemble (and co-occur with) other conditions.   APD may interfere with learning, however it is not correlated with intelligence. It may cause communication difficulties, but it does not show up in traditional auditory tests for hearing loss."   Jill Bolte Taylor’s Personal Experience with a Stroke and Auditory Processing    Jill Bolte Taylor, a neuroscientist,had a stroke 26 years ago. Her descriptions of her experience and recovery are fascinating:     “In 1996, at the age of 37, I was a brain scientist at Harvard when I experienced a major hemorrhage in the left half of my brain. Over the course of four hours, my brain completely deteriorated circuit by circuit, ability by ability. After experiencing this rare form of stroke, I lost my ability to walk, talk, read, write and recall any memories from before the event.   Although I was left in a neurologically devastated condition, I did not die that day. After I had brain surgery at Massachusetts General Hospital, it took me eight years to use my understanding of the brain to completely rebuild my neural circuits and recover all lost functions.   In 2008, more than a decade after my stroke, I gave the first TED Talk to ever go viral, I was chosen as one of Time magazine’s 100 Most Influential People in the World, and I was interviewed on Oprah Winfrey’s daytime TV show, alongside Dr. Mehmet Oz.   I can share from experience what having a problem with auditory processing feels like. It’s like there’s a small delay between what you hear and your ability to understand the meaning of what was said.” https://www.nytimes.com/2022/10/25/opinion/brain-stroke-recovery-fetterman.html   And Vox offers this information about APD and the use of accommodations:  https://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2022/10/15/23403699/john-fetterman-pennsylvania-senate-interview-captions-disability-dasha-burns-mehmet-oz   Thank goodness for the world of accommodations!    Have you have any experiences with Auditory Processing?   © Elayne Savage, PhD   Until next month,  Elayne   Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS: You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Managing Misunderstandings – Honing Conflict Resolution Skills

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

 

               

                      © Can Stock Photo / stuartmiles

 

 

I am excited to be featured again in an interview with Prevention Magazine – this time on conflict resolution.

 

Here’s the Prevention piece and  the link:

 

Prevention Magazine

9 Conflict Resolution Skills for Strong, Healthy Relationships

These skills and strategies can help keep all your relationships going and growing.

 

By Shannen Zitz Published: Sep 28, 2022

 

Disagreements are an inevitable part of any relationship. They’re stressful, sure, but unfortunately, they can’t always be avoided—which is why it’s key to learn conflict resolution skills to navigate and overcome these high-stress situations.

 

“Conflict in interpersonal relationships can be broadly defined as any sort of disagreement between two people who are connected in some way—whether friends, colleagues, partners, or relatives,” explains Sari Chait, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist at the Behavioral Health and Wellness Centerin Newton, MA. “The disagreement can be in regards to opinions on something or in values, or related to behaviors.”

 

While conflict and disagreements are common, it’s also important to know that they’re normal—especially with the people who you interact with regularly. “The benefits we bring to any relationship are in part that we have different opinions, different personalities, different values, and different lived experiences,” Chait says. “As such, it is normal to encounter some conflict. Encountering conflict by itself is rarely the primary issue; the issues arise in how we address the conflict.”

 

It’s not always easy to address disagreements, but ahead you’ll learn conflict resolution skills to help you on your way to better communication.

 

Conflict resolution skills and strategies 
 

1. Plan ahead

Sometimes you might want to address conflict right away, but it can be helpful to avoid these types of interactions in the heat of the moment. If one or more parties are upset, be sure to take some distance so that everyone can collect their thoughts and emotions. “It can be very helpful to then both agree on a time and place when you’ll discuss the conflict, that way both parties come into the discussion aware of what will be discussed with time to prepare,” Chait says.

 

2. Stay respectful

The goal for conflict resolution in both personal and workplace relationships is “keeping space available for respectful and clear communication,” explains Elayne Savage, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., author of Don’t Take It Personally: The Art of Dealing with Rejection. Try to think about a few attributes in the other person that you respect or admire, and keep those things in mind when approaching the conversation. When you do this, you are likely to speak in ways that make the other person feel valued despite the conflict.

 

3. Practice active listening

“The most important thing about any of these interactions with somebody else is to feel listened to, to feel heard, and to feel understood,” Savage explains. Be sure to share your perspective and feelings clearly, but also listen with intention and understanding when the other person shares their thoughts. This type of active listening will make for better communication overall, and allow you both to come to a mutual understanding more easily.

 

4. Avoid placing blame

If a person feels they are being blamed for their role in the conflict, they are likely to feel upset and act defensively. Chait suggests using “I” statements when sharing your perspective on the situation and focusing on how you feel rather than what they may have done to decrease the likelihood of the other person feeling attacked.

 

5. Make it about “we”

In addition to using “I” statements when discussing your feelings, be sure to use “we” statements when discussing ways to move forward and resolve the conflict. Try framing the conversation in terms of “‘what is best for both of us’ or ‘what is best for the workplace,’” Savage explains.

 

6. Focus on actions

After creating space for open, clear, and respectful communication where both parties have the chance to share their own point of view, “focusing on behaviors or actions rather than personality traits that can’t be changed,” is helpful in coming to a mutual understanding for moving forward, according to Chait.

 

7. Don’t take things personally 

“Step away from whatever’s going on, especially from any part of it that you might be taking personally,” Savage suggests. “If you can separate yourself just a little bit, you’re able to ask: ‘What are my options here?’ ‘Do I have to be upset?’ ‘Do I have to be hurt?’ ‘Is there another explanation for this? Another way to think about this?’”

 

8. Avoid filling in the blanks

Making presumptions about where the other person is coming from is bound to make communication a little muddy. Savage recommends checking in with yourself while you are actively listening to the other person to make sure you are not making any assumptions—ask yourself if you are totally clear about the meaning of the other person’s words, and if you aren’t, give them an opportunity to repeat or clarify.

 

9. Schedule a check-in

Once you use effective conflict resolution skills to come to a mutual understanding, the work is not yet done. “Any conflict resolution conversation should end with plans for how to work on this going forward in order to avoid falling into a pattern of conflict,” Chait says. Try also setting up a plan to check in down the line to ensure everyone feels satisfied and is upholding their end of the agreement.

 

Why conflicts occur

 

Conflict can happen for many reasons, but it mainly comes down to disagreement and disappointment. Disagreement that leads to conflict often stems from “incompatible ideas that become antagonistic,” explains Savage. “It often then becomes a struggle about who’s right—people get invested in being right and that’s where a lot of the conflict comes from.”

 

A lack of clear communication is also a common culprit for most situations of conflict, Savage notes. When one party is not clear on what they need, the other party cannot be clear on the issue or potential ways to overcome the issue.

 

Similarly, listening is a big part of communication—and if one or more parties are not listening actively and with empathy, communication tends to become skewed.

 

Another important piece of the puzzle is feelings of disappointment and rejection. The sum of our lived experiences growing up in the world affects who we are today, and what we expect from people. “When these expectations aren’t met, that can feel disappointing and even like rejection, which is definitely something that can lead to conflict,” Savage explains.

 

So what does conflict look like? It’s helpful to think of conflicts professionally and personally, but the core of these types of conflict is usually the same feelings of disagreement and disappointment. Chait notes that common examples of conflicts that occur in the workplace are differences in opinions on how to approach a problem, different values as it pertains to work-life balance, and different personality styles that may clash in work settings. Conflicts that occur in relationships with family and partners are “similar, but the topics may be different,” Chait explains. “While at work, you may have [a] conflict with someone about whether or not you should have to work rigid hours or have a flexible schedule, and at home you may disagree with your partner about whether to have a rigid schedule with your children or be more flexible.”

 

Why you should try conflict resolution

 

“Conflict resolution is the key to overcoming conflict and is necessary in order to keep healthy relationships,” Chait says. “Having the skills necessary to address conflict in a way that works for everyone involved is critical.” Additionally, these skills will extend even further in equipping the people involved with the necessary skills and knowledge to efficiently rise above conflict moving forward.

 

Lots of people tend to ignore conflict and consider themselves people who don’t like confrontation. But avoiding conflict is rarely a solution, and usually creates unhealthy patterns and cycles that become more difficult to solve. Plus, it’s hard maintaining healthy, happy relationships with unresolved conflict looming—there’s likely to be a constant feeling of tension between those involved and they may actually behave differently, like not sharing their opinions and avoiding interactions that might start another bout of conflict, Chait explains.

 

Misunderstandings often cause conflict, but the hurt feelings that come from these instances of misunderstanding are also dangerous. “Hurt feelings can lead to taking things personally, and even anger. But the biggest problem is that they often lead to resentment,” Savage says. When conflict resolution is avoided, this resentment builds and builds to the point where “there's no space available for respectable clear, defined communication, or for teamwork.”

 

https://www.prevention.com/sex/relationships/a41424072/conflict-resolution-skills/

 

 

But Wait, There’s More

 

One of the great things about writing a blog, is I can reprint something and add to it!

 

Here are a few ideas that didn’t make it into the Prevention piece and I’m adding or expanding on them here for you.

 

Helps to remember that most conflicts don’t just involve just the two of you. You each grew up in different families with different styles of thinking, communicating, doing, creating and being. Sometimes there are also cultural influences— attitudes, beliefs, rules, values, and expectations. These family messages are passed down from generation to generation.

 

So consider how during a discussion each of you might have several people sitting on your shoulders—parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, teachers, coaches. And each is clamoring to get a word in, or an opinion or a judgment or a criticism or advice.

 

And you might find yourself sitting in that meeting, opening your mouth and wondering where on earth your words are coming from, but it sure sounds like something Grandma would say. Or Mom or Dad or your coach or that critical 4th grade teacher.

 

It sure can be a struggle to respect and accept someone's 
style of doing things when it's different from your own.

 

I also have something to add about avoiding angry confrontations. If a discussion is becoming heated, consider taking a ‘time out’ to regain your composure. Excusing yourself to stand up and get a drink of water. Or excusing yourself to walk into the restroom and doing some slow counting to 10 and deep breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth with the exhalation twice as long as the inhalation.

 

Here are a couple of previous blogs addressing some of these challenges:

 

Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2007/07/cozying-up-to-t.html

 

Are Generational Family Messages Contaminating Your Workplace?

 

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2019/01/are-generational-family-messages-contaminating-your-workplace.html

 

 

Are You ‘Filling in the Blanks?’ Assuming the Worst? Feeling Rejected?

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2018/07/are-you-filling-in-the-blanks-assuming-the-worst-feeling-rejected.html

 

 

 

© Elayne Savage

 

Would love to hear your ideas for managing misunderstandings!

[email protected] OR

the Comment Box on the blog site:  www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com

 

 

Until next month,

Elayne

 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

 

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Intention Deficit Disorder – New Kid on the Block

By Elayne Savage, PhD

©Can Stock Photo/Sangoiri

 

I’ve been fascinated by each of my new discoveries about ADHD ever since I realized several years ago that my brain seems to function a little differently and I began to understand that I have been creating ‘work-arounds for school work and projects and chores to help me get by.

 

For years I’ve been taking copious notes during a lecture or training, I make lists constantly and there’s always an array of post-its around my house!. Folks tease me about my lists.

 

Then a few years ago I was seeing a neuropsychologist for a concussion and I started joking around, “Oh that’s just my ADHD!”

She was quick to say, “You think? I can test you.”

 

And guess what, I am ADHD. Now all my work-arounds make perfect sense. I was actually taking good care of myself all those years without knowing why.

 

One of the most interesting factoids I’ve learned is how ADHD is often missed in girls. With boys’ often disruptive acting out behaviors teachers spot it in the classroom. But girls get missed because it is more ‘quiet’ – presenting as moodiness/depression and anxiety.

 

I’m always so delighted to make a new ADHD discovery. Actually because I specialize in rejection, self-rejection and taking things personally I figured out decades ago that there seemed to be a connection between these challenges and ADHD. And in the last few years there have been studies linking all this up. There is even a term for it: ‘Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria’ - RSD.

 

So I’m excited about my most recent ADHD discovery and wanting to share it with you.

I’m on the email list for an absolutely terrific resource, ADDitudeMag.com and spotted this article in a recent edition.

 

Intention Deficit Disorder: Why ADHD Minds Struggle to Meet Goals with Action

 Psychologist Russell Barkley writes about Intention Deficit Disorder – an ADHD trait that gets in the way of not accomplishing goals.

 

“Intention deficit disorder is not a real diagnosis but a term Russell Barkley, Ph.D. uses to describe what he believes is a central struggle of ADHD: difficulty accomplishing goals. Learn how this trait is tied to executive dysfunction, plus ways to meet your goals with action"

 

“Intention deficit disorder is not a medical diagnosis but a helpful way to frame a persistent ADHD challenge: the inability to further goals with timely action. Here, learn about the executive function deficits that give rise to “intention deficits,” plus ways to bridge the gap between objectives and tactics.”

 

“Think of ADHD as a performance disorder. People with ADHD know what they need to do, but they struggle – greatly, at times – to transform intention into action, whether that’s preparing for a test or finalizing an important project at work. It’s an issue directly tied to the executive function difficulties inherent in ADHD. And yet, this very real challenge of ADHD is often mistaken for laziness and lack of motivation, which many breed low self-esteem and even depression.”

 

(And I'd like to add so many descriptions come to mind from my observations as a therapist and workplace consultant and from my experiences with my own ADHD: Procrastination, Perfectionism, Ambivalence, Avoidance, Anxiety, Fear of failure and even Fear of Success!) 

I've written lots of blogs on these topics - see the categories archive list on the right side of this page.)

 

On a personal note, it helps me to think of ADHD as related to Intention – and keeps me from getting caught up in the cycle of disappointment that too often feels like rejection.

 

Here are some highlights and tips from Russell Blakely:

 

Unpacking Intention Deficit Disorder: The ADHD Struggle to Perform

Executive Dysfunction Affects Behavior and Performance Executive

1.   Dysfunction Muddles Time

2.   Intention Deficit Turns Everything Into a Crisis

3.   Intention Deficit Looks Like Laziness

 

 

Intention Deficit Disorder: Turning Intention Into Action

1. Externalize time by using external representations of time — like calendars, white boards, visual timers

2. Bring the future to the present –– Dividing long-term goals into smaller, contiguous steps is one way

3. Ensure motivation along the way –– some ideas:

• short breaks in between longer bursts of work
• body doubles, or accountability partners
• visualizing rewards and positive outcomes

 

Here is the link for the complete ATTitudeMag.com piece:

bit.ly/3e7K5PY

(By the way, on a personal note: one of my favorite paths to success is working with the company of another person!)

 

And some links to a whole bunch of articles on Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

bit.ly/3KBTETB

 

Would love to hear your responses to all this!

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

 

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

Trumpism/Cultism/Populism Revisited

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

             ©Can Stock Photo-LumaxArt2D

 

Have you noticed how over the last few months there have been lots of media references to Trumpism and Cult-like behavior?

I just did a Google search and found dozens, maybe even hundreds of recent links! Actually the number surprised me because the last time I searched, 5 years ago, I found only one link besides my blog from 2016. (See below for the 2017 op-ed piece by Reza Aslan.)

This week marks the 6^th anniversary of putting my fears about the influence of cultism into writing when, on July 27 2016, I blogged about my anxiety.

Below are some of my observations from Does the Art of the Deal Mean Selling your Soul? all those years ago:

 

From Bill Moyers

Bill Moyers reminds us of Donald Trump’s tweet on Easter morning:

“Another radical Islamic attack, this time in Pakistan, targeting Christian women & children. At least 67 dead, 400 injured. I alone can solve.”

And from his acceptance speech at the RNC: “Nobody knows the system better than me, which is why I alone can fix it,"

Moyers continues:  This has been his message all year: “I alone can fix it.”

Only he can save us. He alone has the potion. He alone can call out the incantation. He alone can cast out the demons. It’s a little bit Mussolini. A little bit Berlusconi. A little bit George Wallace. And a lot of Napoleon in a trucker’s hat.

"I am not an ordinary man," Bonaparte once said. "I am an extraordinary man and ordinary rules do not apply to me."

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bill-moyers/donald-trumps-dark-and-sc_b_11144940.html

(Note: A book with this terrific title by Phil Rucker and Carol Leonnig appeared in 2021 – I Alone Can Fix It: Donald J. Trump's Catastrophic Final Year )

 

Things That Go Bump in the Night - Fears and Demons

Seems to me so much of this ideology is formed around instilling fear in Americans. Ever since the 2008 campaign I’ve been blogging about politicians’ attempts to influence us by fueling our fears, especially regarding feeling vulnerable to terror attacks.

 ‘Terror’ is defined as: “acts which are purposefully designed to scare people and make them fearful.” Most definitions of ’terrorism’ use this phrase:  “intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.” So in a way, you could say it is our politicians who are terrorists just as much as those who appear to threaten us from outside.

The Politics of Fear erupts, playing to our anxieties. This leads to a Culture of Fear, permeating and fraying the fabric of our country. 

With each new push of the panic button, I feel my anxiety surge. And what about you?
As Master Yoda says, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

Fear is in the Air and It’s Contagious


Cult Culture

To be honest, I find it very scary that this grandiose talk seems reminiscent of the coercive persuasion, thought reform and mind control of the 70’s and 80’s. 

As a Child Protective Services worker in the 70’s, I had frequent dealings with cult-like organizations including Jim Jones’ Peoples Temple. I knew families who followed Jones to Jonestown, Guyana where 918 devotees were convinced to take part in a mass murder/suicide.

I’ll never forget the panicky call I received from a pay phone when one woman begged for help as the group was leaving San Francisco. The call ended abruptly. I’ll never forget how helpless I felt in that moment.

Haunted By a Panicky Phone Call From a Peoples Temple Member

 

Arthur Deikman a researcher and author of Them and Us: Cult Thinking and Terrorist Threat, describes how the desires that bring people to cults — including the need to feel secure and protected — are universal human longings. This includes pressure from peer groups to conform.

As he says in the book’s preface “The price of cult behaviour is diminished realism.”

http://www.hgi.org.uk/resources/delve-our-extensive-library/society-and-culture/exploring-cult-culture

 

50 Characteristics of Cult Leaders ––Who Do You Recognize Here?

Joe Navarro, a 25-year veteran of the FBI and author of Dangerous Personalities lists 50 cult leader characteristics.

Here are a few characteristics of cult group leaders, which stand out for me as especially Donald J. Trump-ish:


– He has a grandiose idea of who he is and what he can achieve.

– Has a sense of entitlement - expecting to be treated special at all times.

– Has an exaggerated sense of power (entitlement) that allows him to bend rules and break laws.

– Publicly devalues others as being inferior, incapable, or not worthy.

– Haughtiness, grandiosity, and the need to be controlling is part of his personality.


– Anyone who criticizes or questions him is called an “enemy.”


– Habitually puts down others as inferior and only he is superior. 


– Is deeply offended when there are perceived signs of boredom, being ignored or of being slighted.    


– Treats others with contempt and arrogance.

– The word “I” dominates his conversations. He is oblivious to how often he references himself.

–  Hates to be embarrassed or fail publicly - when he does he acts out with rage.

– Believes he possesses the answers and solutions to world problems.

– Seems to be highly dependent of tribute and adoration and will often fish for compliments.

 

Here’s the link to Navarro’s list of all 50 cult leader characteristics:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201208/dangerous-cult-leaders

It's quite amazing to me how many of these have to do with reactions to feeling rejected and taking things personally.

Joe Navarro writes: “When the question is asked, “When do we know when a cult leader is bad, or evil, or toxic?” this is the list that I use to survey the cult leader for dangerous traits. Of course the only way to know anything for sure is to observe and validate, but these characteristics can go a long way to help with that. And as I have said, there are other things to look for and there may be other lists, but this is the one that I found most useful from studying these groups and talking to former members of cults”.

The above observations are from my blog from 2016.

 

My Original 6 Year-old List Seems So Naïve!

As I re-read my list from 6 years ago that I felt were the most obvious characteristics of Donald J. Trump, it seems so naïve now!

I’m amazed I missed so many Trump traits back then. Now that I that I better ‘know’ Donald J. Trump there are many that I would have to include today. Now they seem so hard to miss!

Here are more of Joe Navarro’s characteristics that I would add now:

– Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, or brilliance.

– Requires excessive admiration from followers and outsiders.

– Is arrogant and haughty in his behavior or attitude

– Has an exaggerated sense of power (entitlement) that allows him to bend rules and break laws.

– Is frequently boastful of accomplishments.

– Behaves as though people are objects to be used, manipulated or exploited for personal gain.

– Acts imperious at times, not wishing to know what others think or desire.

Believes himself to be omnipotent.

– Doesn’t seem to feel guilty for anything he has done wrong nor does he apologize for his actions.

– "Rigid," "unbending," or "insensitive" describes how this person thinks.

– Sees self as “unstoppable” and perhaps has even said so. – Doesn’t think there is anything wrong with himself and in fact sees himself as perfection or “blessed.”

– Doesn’t think there is anything wrong with himself and in fact sees himself as perfection or “blessed.”

Actually there are yet another 25 or so characteristics that Joe Navarro lists – what did I miss?

How many of Donald Trumps words or behaviors in the complete list of 50 characteristics do you recognize? Do you see them in other folks as well?

You can imagine how back then lots of folks disagreed with my audacity writing this blog in equating Donald J. Trump with Cult-like behavior.

And yet times have changed some.

I did find an LA Times opinion piece by Reza Aslan from back then when I just did a Google search. It was a lonely article. As I mentioned at the beginning of this blog, there are many such pieces the last couple of years.

From the LA Times in November 6, 2017

“I am not the first person to point this out: There’s been a cultish quality to President Trump’s most ardent supporters. He seemed to acknowledge the phenomenon when he boasted that he could “stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody” and not lose voters.

Throughout the campaign, and in personal appearances since then, Trump has harnessed the kind of emotional intensity from his base that is more typical of a religious revival meeting than a political rally, complete with ritualized communal chants (“Lock her up!”).

“, , , , If Trump’s presidency deteriorates further, expect the religious fervor of many of his followers to reach a fever pitch. That poses a risk for the country. Because the only thing more dangerous than a cult leader is a cult leader facing martyrdom.”

https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-oe-aslan-trump-cultists-20171106-story.html

 

In 2020 a book appeared by cult expert Steven Hassan who was once a ‘Moonie’ in the Unification Church of Reverend Sun Myung Moon, The Cult of Trump: A Leading Cult Expert Explains How the President Uses Mind Control.

From publisher Simon & Schuster:

Since the 2016 election, Donald Trump’s behavior has become both more disturbing and yet increasingly familiar. He relies on phrases like, “fake news,” “build the wall,” and continues to spread the divisive mentality of us-vs.-them. He lies constantly, has no conscience, never admits when he is wrong, and projects all of his shortcomings on to others. He has become more authoritarian, more outrageous, and yet many of his followers remain blindly devoted. Scott Adams, the creator of Dilbert and a major Trump supporter, calls him one of the most persuasive people living. His need to squash alternate information and his insistence of constant ego stroking are all characteristics of other famous leaders—cult leaders.

In The Cult of Trump, mind control and licensed mental health expert Steven Hassan draws parallels between our current president and people like Jim Jones, David Koresh, Ron Hubbard, and Sun Myung Moon, arguing that this presidency is in many ways like a destructive cult. He specifically details the ways in which people are influenced through an array of social psychology methods and how they become fiercely loyal and obedient. Hassan was a former “Moonie” himself, and he presents a “thoughtful and well-researched analysis of some of the most puzzling aspects of the current presidency, including the remarkable passivity of fellow Republicans [and] the gross pandering of many members of the press” (Thomas G. Gutheil, MD and professor of psychiatry, Harvard Medical School).

The Cult of Trump is an accessible and in-depth analysis of the president, showing that under the right circumstances, even sane, rational, well-adjusted people can be persuaded to believe the most outrageous ideas. “This book is a must for anyone who wants to understand the current political climate” (Judith Stevens-Long, PhD and author of Living Well, Dying Well).

 

Quotes From The Cult of Trump:

“Another way to control thoughts is through the use of loaded language, which, as Lifton pointed out, is purposely designed to invoke an emotional response. When I look at the list of thought-controlling techniques—reducing complex thoughts into clichés and platitudinous buzz words; forbidding critical questions about the leader, doctrine, or policy; labeling alternative belief systems as illegitimate or evil—it is astounding how many Trump exploits.

[Cult] members learn a new vocabulary that is designed to constrict their thinking into absolute, black-and-white, thought-stopping clichés that conform to group ideology. (“Lock her up” and “Build the Wall” are Trumpian examples. Even his put-downs and nicknames—Crooked Hillary, Pocahontas for Elizabeth Warren—function to block other thoughts. Terms like “deep state” and “globalist” also act as triggers. They rouse emotion and direct attention.)”

“As New York Times columnist Charles Blow observed, “Trump tells his followers about all the things of which they should be afraid, or shouldn’t trust or should hate, and then positions himself as the greatest defense against those things

“. . . . This brings me to an important point and a key aspect of my approach. By attacking or belittling Trump’s followers, political opponents and traditional media may be helping Trump to maintain his influence over his base. In my experience, telling a person that they are brainwashed, that they are in a cult, or that they are following a false god, is doomed to fail. It puts them immediately on the defensive, confirms you are a threat, possibly an enemy, and reinforces their indoctrination. It closes their mind to other perspectives. I’ve seen this happen over and over again. It happened to me when I was in the Moon group. It immediately triggers a person’s mind control programming—including thought stopping and us-versus-them thinking, with you being the ‘them.’”

 

There are lots of articles exploring the popularity of Trump. A bottom line of course being his Populist appeal to folks who feel that their concerns are disregarded by others, especially established elite groups.

I guess you can tell I’m even more fearful these days than I was back in 2016!

Just needed to put my anxiety into words. Thanks for reading . . . and would love to hear your thoughts.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

Post-Roe: What’s Going to Happen to the Children?

 

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

                                 © Can Stock Photo / Kishiv

 

So many unknowns!

With the safeguards and dignity of Roe being repealed, how many ways will this affect women’s lives and the lives of partners and families?

What will the far-reaching effects be on reproductive health care for everyone?

 • There is concern by medical practitioners about being unable to access medications used for treating ectopic pregnancies and for miscarriage management.

• There has already been denial of treatment for miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies, and severe pregnancy complications

 

• There is concern about accessing contraceptives.

A hospital in Missouri stopped providing Plan B and other emergency contraceptives. Then they realized they over-reacted and changed their mind.

• There is concern by those families trying to conceive using in vitro fertilization. They fear this ruling will complicate or even limit the procedures.

• This piece by Vox covers a range of concerns about possible changes in the way of life of many in America.

• From Forbes: Overturning Roe V. Wade: Here’s How It’ll Impact Reproductive Healthcare — Beyond Abortion

• From Time Magazine: The Devastating Implications of Overturning Roe Will Go Far Beyond Abortion Patients

• Experts even warn we can expect increased scrutiny and potential criminalization over pregnancy loss. And some fear there will even be a copy-catting of Oklahoma where recently a 19-year-old was arrested after a miscarriage, charged with manslaughter and sentenced to four years in prison. There was a miscarriage manslaughter indictment for an Alabama woman as well .

 

Remembering The Dangerous and Deadly Pre-Roe Years

I clearly remember the pre-Roe years and how scary and dangerous and deadly it was for pregnant women to seek abortion.

AND I have other memories as well: witnessing how dangerous life often was for the children born — unwanted, unloved and uncared for.

I don’t hear many people talking about what will become of these ‘saved’ infants after birth when parents feel they are unable to competently cope with unintended pregnancies and there had been little or no right to choose bringing a child into the world.

Maybe the parent wanted to finish school and get a job so they can support their new family.

Maybe they are not old enough or mature enough or capable enough to responsibly raise and protect a child.

 

Maybe they were raped or sexually assaulted by a family friend or family member.

 

Who Will Insure The Safety and Security of These Children?

 
I know first-hand about unplanned for and unwanted infants being born to parents who are not able to provide a safe environment.

I was a Child Protective Services Social Worker in San Francisco in the years before Roe v. Wade.

I guess I saw just about every type of trauma – rejection, neglect, every possible type of abuse, exploitation and abandonment – you can imagine.

Whenever I hear about parents neglecting, mistreating or abusing their children I can’t help but wonder if that child was born wanted and welcomed –– or were they were resented and rejected from birth.

 

Let’s take a look at what goes into providing a safe, secure, loving, protected environment:

 

So what happens to a child who grows up with a lack of acceptance, poor hygiene, deficient medical and dental care? Or the child who lives with emotional/physical/sexual abuse or rage, leading to fear and anxiety instead of security and safety?  

In the over two decades I was a CPS Social Worker I observed so many instances where parents were incapable of being responsible to the well-being of their children.

Instead of acceptance and validation there would be frequent belittling, shaming, scolding and criticizing.

It wasn’t surprising to learn that many of these parents had experienced these same behaviors and negative messages from their caretakers when they were young children themselves.

Sometimes they were lucky to have a grandma or great grandma or auntie to model care-taking and caring. But too often not.

I’ll never forget the times I watched a young teen mother grabbing her toddler’s hand and sort of dragging them along the sidewalk, as if the child were a rag doll.

Or the many times I found piles of dirt and animal feces on the floor where young children were playing. One home was so infested with roaches there were even dozens living in the refrigerator.

I knew about young children hurting or burning themselves when they were left unattended for several hours.

I heard stories from teachers about children being ostracized because they smelled so badly from not bathing or they were wearing unwashed clothes.

I remember one woman teaching her young daughter to crawl under tables in restaurants to steal billfolds from purses on the floor. This little girl was 3 years old!

One particular memory haunts me the most: One day I showed up for a scheduled appointment and the mother had just instructed her daughters aged 7 and 9 to walk their dog two miles to the vet –– to have him euthanized. She decided she didn't want the responsibility of this pet any longer.

She insisted the children take him there but she refused to accompany them – they were on their own. I just couldn’t stand by and watch this play out so I went with them.

Thinking about that day decades ago still makes me want to cry.

 

                                © Can Stock Photo / studiostoks

 

The Long, Long, Long-Term Traumatizing Effects of Abuse and Neglect

Child Abuse and Neglect is defined as "an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm” or “results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation."


More about definitions –– from the Child Welfare Information Gateway

The list of possible long-term effects of abuse and neglect is pretty much endless:  there are hundreds of facets and sub-facets of challenges with self-esteem and low self-confidence, fear, anxiety, depression, shame, anger, self-rejection, self-sabotage, taking things too personally and ability to trust in work and personal relationships.

It was my work in CPS that led me to realized the overlay of all abuse and neglect is rejection – and how fear of rejection continues throughout their lives and how trusting becomes a life-long struggle.

In Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection I write: “Fear and anxiety are constant companions to abused children. They live on edge, just waiting for the abuse to come again. It’s not a matter of if it comes, but when it comes . . . . this ever-present anxiety . . . becomes a part of their identity and follows them into adult relationships.”

More on the long-term effects of abuse and neglect:

A Spanking or Beating or Whipping or Whuppin? – TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com

The Child Abuse Reporting Act came into effect in 1963 requiring only physicians to report abuse. In 1980 the Child Abuse and Neglect Reporting Act expanded the definition of mandated reporters of suspected child abuse and neglect. There are 16 categories. This list of reporters keeps growing and has now grown to 48 in some states!

A good example of a complete list of mandated reporters is provided in the California Penal Code (PC) section 11165.7.

 

Too often I knew about tweens and teens who became desperate to escape the abuse or neglect at home. So they became runaways and lived on the streets. Sometimes they were trafficked. Often the young girls became pregnant.

 

When Removing a Child is the Only Way to Keep Them Safe

I hated having to go to Juvenile Court when a child was endangered to testify about their unhealthy or unsafe or life-threatening living situation.

 

Sometimes the only way to be sure we were protecting a child was by removing the child from the family home and, if there was no reliable, willing relative, placing the child in foster care.

The hope was to provide a safe place for the child while social workers and community resources were working with the family to insure the child could return to their family and be safe and secure. Sometimes this meant providing parenting education, sometimes providing housekeeping assistance, sometimes attending to stress and overwhelm or sometimes an appropriate recovery program.

But it didn’t always work the way we hoped.

When caretakers could not provide a safe environment for their children, the children were often placed in foster care homes and eventually long-term foster care.

 

When I was a Long-term Placement Social Worker and was visiting residential facilities, sometimes I came across some of the same children I had removed years before!

 

Now they were teens and still stuck in the system because it still wasn't safe for them to return home.

Can you imagine how heartbreaking it was meeting these kids again all those years later?

 

Does Saving Fetuses Really Mean We Are Saving Children?

So back to my question: Now with safe abortion being repealed as an option what’s going to happen to the children?

When mothers, who for their own good reasons do not want to bring a child into this world at this time, are not given a choice, how can we guarantee these babies will be born into safe, secure, loving, protected environments, with appropriate health care and sufficient nutrition?

How can we be sure these babies will not be rejected or neglected or abused or exploited or abandoned?

And then there is the resentment that  grows and grows. Back in the pre-Roe days when delivering a baby was the only allowable choice, there may not have been obvious neglect or abuse of unwanted children, however there was often resentment permeating lives of families I knew.

I saw many children raised by resentful parents. This was especially true if they were conceived from a rape or incest. Or when the birth of that child interfered with educational or professional dreams.

And too often I saw the stresses of expecting a new baby leading to domestic violence, putting both the mother and the fetus in danger. I saw existing children suffering in already severely stressed families when arrival of the newborn caused extra emotional and financial pressure on family members.

And the present system for protecting at-risk children is already severely overburdened. If they have to be removed from the home to protect them and there are no capable available relatives, where are they going to go?

 

When Adoption is Accompanied By Overwhelming Feelings of Rejection and Abandonment

Yes, I am aware adoption could be a choice. 

And there certainly would be a bunch of money to be made for folks in the adoption business.

Sometimes I even find myself wondering if adoption might be a 'follow the money' reason for some people to encourage births of unplanned for and unwanted children.

Have you heard how some state legislators are trying to limit abortion from the moment of conception?  And by the way, considering banning most or all forms of contraception?

Would this mean more full-term pregnancies and more babies available for adoption?

Let's try to be aware that there are many emotional considerations regarding adoption. Considerations which would need to be carefully considered in each situation.

For example, the feelings Andrea Ross expresses so well in Huff Post:  'I Was Adopted Before Roe v. Wade. I Wish My Mother Had Been Given A Choice' 

She points out:  "Psychology research shows that women who relinquish their children frequently exhibit signs of post-traumatic stress disorder. And children who have been relinquished frequently develop relinquishment trauma ― a kind of trauma that 'changes an individual’s brain chemistry and functioning ... and can elevate adrenaline and cortisol and lower serotonin resulting in adoptees feeling hypervigilant, anxious, and depressed.' "

Because my work as a therapist focuses on perceived experiences of rejection, I have heard hundreds of stories over the decades from teen and adult clients who, although they love their adoptive parents, have struggled mightily with feeling abandoned by their birth parent(s).

And stories from the other side too: The lasting guilt often felt at giving up a child.

 

Will We Be Going Backwards?

First-hand stories have been emerging about the precarious and desperate and dangerous times before Roe. The most common methods used to terminate pregnancies were intentionally falling down stairs or ingesting poisons or using coat hangers to try to induce an abortion.

Sure, relatively safe abortions were available if you had the right word-of-mouth connections and could afford to pay, but most of us are aware there were way too many botched back-alley needless deaths.

 

Will women and their families be facing this anguish again as more and more states are in the process of deciding we have to go backwards to that dark place.

On a personal level I feel that with the Supreme Court ruling my sense of privacy and security have been tampered with.

That my personal freedom has been violated.

And that, as a woman, I don’t count as a human being on this planet.

 

The Connection Between Childhood Maltreatment, Delinquency and Criminality

One more important thought: Clearly lots children who are traumatized develop the resilience and opportunities to become productive and accomplished adults.

However, studies show :

– The pain of having experienced parental rejection during childhood frequently extends into adulthood;

– Those who suffered parental rejection in childhood tend to develop difficulties forming trusting relationships in adulthood;

– Neurological studies suggest that parental rejection activates the same part of the brain as does physical pain.

Studies also show a connection between childhood rejection, abuse and neglect and juvenile or adult incarceration.

Keep in mind we cannot assume that most abused children will become law-violating teens and adults. We do know, however, that many incarcerated juveniles and adults have a history of being abused and rejected.

And as many of you know from my blogs and speaking programs that I see rejection as the overlay of all types abuse and neglect. Rejection leads to self-rejection, a type of shame – affecting self-esteem, self-assurance, self-respect, self-confidence, self-regard and self-adequacy.

Several years ago I was presenting skill-building workshops within the walls of San Quentin State Prison. The series was based on what I know best: how to not take rejection and disappointment so personally.

This voluntary Success Programs’ skill-building course was presented to highly motivated medium security inmates. Most of them were in for non-violent crimes — such as stealing to support their addictions.

My book ‘Don’t Take It Personally!’ was popular reading from the prison library and I could tell they ‘got’ the message of the book and workshops when several of the men one by one came up after class and confided:

“If I had understood about my early rejection and why I take things so personally, the pressure wouldn’t have led me to need the drugs and to go out and steal for them.”

So my question is: with these recent moves in many states to criminalize abortion and take away choice, what can we do to guarantee unwanted babies will not grow up to be rejected and mistreated and possibly down the road even be charged with a criminal offense themselves?

Some of you may recognize parts of this blog from one I wrote a few years ago. With the recent repeal of Roe I really needed to express these concerns again.     

Let’s continue this conversation. Your thoughts?

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

 

This Time the School Shootings are in Texas

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

© Can Stock Photo / ronniechua

 

I’ve been crying a lot lately since the Uvalde Robb Elementary School massacre of 19 students and their teachers ­­– and with every new report of those little 9 and 10 and 11 year olds calling 911 pleading for police to come to Classrooms 111 and 112 to rescue them. And no one listened.

 

And crying again, hearing about the little girl who smeared herself with her dying friend’s blood so she could play dead and survive even though she had bullet fragments in her body.

 

And tears came again upon hearing how the police did not enter the classrooms until 78 minutes after the gunman begun shooting – while children lay dead and dying from devastating wounds to their faces and heads from the assault rifle.

 

So writing this is a way for me to try to make some sense out of the senselessness that is so disturbing.

 

I’ve worked with traumatized children for several decades as a Child Protective Services Social Worker and I’ve seen the damage they endure.

 

As a psychotherapist in private practice I’ve seen the extent of these traumas over the long-term in the adults who come into therapy to work on the many repercussions from their early experiences.

 

We address the anxiety and depression arising from when the cortisol and adrenaline went haywire during those early scary times. And continue to go haywire again and again.

 

I cry when I think of the struggles these surviving children will be having in their future.

 

Dr. Roy Guerrero Uvalde’s only pediatrician foresees these overwhelming struggles as well in his CNN interview:

Here area few parts of Danielle Campoamor’s interview:

The only pediatrician serving Uvalde, Texas, revealed to "TODAY" what it was like to treat the wounded of the Robb Elementary School shooting. He shared their horrific survivor stories.

 

Dr. Roy Guerrero, who was born and raised in Uvalde and attended Robb Elementary School as a child, was at lunch with his staff Tuesday when he started getting frantic texts.

 

“I called the hospital, Uvalde Memorial, to ask if they needed me, and they said, ‘Yes, get over here right now.’” Guerrero raced to the hospital.

 

“The most horrible part, I guess, was just seeing parents I knew outside screaming, asking me to look for their kids. You never really get that out of your head.”

 

Guerrero treated eight children that day.  He lost five of them.

 

“The children were in hysterics at first,” he said. “But when they saw a familiar face — because I’ve known them for so long — I was able to calm them down. 

 

As Guerrero made his rounds in the hospital, treating the wounded and identifying the victims, he heard a familiar voice cry out to him.

 

“I heard, ‘Hey, Dr. G!” he said. Guerrero turned to find an 11-year-old girl he has treated since she was a newborn.

 

The young girl was in the fourth grade classroom where 19 of her classmates and two of her teachers were shot and killed. She had bullet fragments in her shoulder.

 

“She said she saw people being shot and falling dead. Her best friend was next to her, so she grabbed some of her blood that was coming out of her, smeared it on herself and played dead on the floor,” he said. “

 

As she’s doing this, her teacher ... who got shot and was throwing up blood, told her, ‘I don’t want to die, call 911,’ and threw the phone to her. I guess the guy saw the phone and shot the phone but didn’t see her move. So she continued to play dead.”

 

Guerrero saw the 11-year-old the next day for a follow-up appointment.“She was literally shaking,” he said. “She already has PTSD, and we just got out of this.”

 

“In clinic the next day, all I heard was: ‘I’m afraid he’s coming for me. I’m afraid he’s going to come get me at my house.’ The kids were telling me that. I was hearing that the whole day,” he said. “I’m telling you this is going to be a mental health crisis for our community.”

 

Guerrero worries that the child survivors will live in fear for the rest of their lives. It’s a fear, he says, that could even be passed down to their children if something doesn’t change.

 

Guerrero said the severity of the survivors’ wounds varied. There were minor cuts and bruises on children who climbed out busted-out windows to safety. Others had shrapnel injuries

 

As the hours went on, it became apparent that some of the parents outside weren’t going to find their children alive.

 

Guerrero was instructed to be in the front of the receiving area to immediately help the other patients the hospital was expecting.

 

“We were supposed to have 14 more kids show up, and they wanted me to triage them.”

 

The 14 children never arrived. “We knew what that meant.”

 

“I asked the hospital to show me the bodies,” The deceased children Guerrero viewed…will never leave his mind.

 

“It was awful,” he said. “It was a high-power rifle injury. These are war wounds. It’s as if things exploded once the bullets hit the bodies.”

 

What causes this rage?

I just received an email from a long-time reader, a teacher who was sharing her observations over 3 decades about angry, acting-out children.

 

She asks:  “What are the root causes of this "rage"? I am talking about kids who suddenly look like human volcanoes. Watching a nine year old with such uncontrollable anger, many of the teachers sometimes wondered if these children would someday return and "shoot up" the school.” 

 

I’ve asked myself this question many times.

And here’s what I come up with: ”Rage is Anger with a History”^TM

 

Rage is beyond the experience of anger. Where anger reflects something happening in the present, rage reflects overwhelming feelings from the past which intrude into the present situation. 

 

A distressing event in the present becomes unbearable when it reminds us of painful experiences from the past. 


 

It Starts with Feeling 'Dissed' – Usually in the form of Bullying

Before we know it we're taking something personally. An out-of-control response gets triggered, and we find ourselves having runaway reactions to present day situations.  


 

When we're feeling vulnerable, or scared, or hurting, we often tend to protect ourselves by taking a tough stance. We puff ourselves up and sometimes engage in aggressive behaviors.

 

We act out our rage on the offending person who often doesn’t have a clue that we are most likely retaliating against all the bullies from our childhood. 


 

We become outraged, then enraged. One minute feeling like a victim. The next, becoming victimizer. Wanting to get back at the person who is treating us badly. Trying to out-bully the bullies.

 

Holding grudges is especially eroding. This kind of resentment takes up so much space in personal or work relationships that there is no longer room for connection.

Before we know it, behaving badly. How can this be happening? How can we be behaving so outrageously? 



 

We might ask:

Why are young adult males more impulsive, reckless and and prone to violence then other age groups?   (See Washington Post link below)

Does being mistreated as a child breed the desire to do the same diminishing/scapegoating behavior to someone else?

What does it take for anger to turn into rage-filled violence?

Does it feel empowering to humiliate and bully others through violent, brutal acts?

 

Early negative events collect in our memory. Old injustices stockpile into a repository of rage, just waiting to be disgorged.

 

When a similar event happens in the present and awakens similar feelings, the stockpile ignites and you are having an intense reaction against those past injustices.

Before we know it, we are overreacting and feeling out-of-control.

 

So what we know about Salvador Ramos’ early history illustrates these ideas.

Family and friends have also said that he had a difficult home life, that he was bullied over a childhood speech impediment and that he lashed out violently towards both friends, strangers, and his mother – both recently and over the years.

 

They recall: in middle school and junior high for his stutter and lisp. Considering himself Ramos’ best friend in eighth grade, Stephen Garcia said he had a difficult school experience.

 

“He would get bullied hard, like bullied by a lot of people,” one friend  told The Post. “Over social media, over gaming, over everything.

 

They played shooter - survivor video games such as “Fortnite” and “Call of Duty.”

 

His mother remembers around five fistfights involving Ramos in middle school and junior high. Any friendships he managed to form didn’t last long, she added.

She said he once told a friend who wanted to join the Marines that he only had that goal because then he would be able to kill people. The boy ended the friendship then and there.

 

Rage is 'Anger with a History'^TM

Rage is an emotion beyond the experience of anger. Where anger reflects something happening in the present, and reflects ‘now’ feelings, rage reflects overwhelming feelings from the past, which intrude into the present situation. 

 

I can’t help but wonder if Salvador Ramos was bullied in elementary school as well as in Middle School and High School that his friends describe. Maybe had the same lisp and stutter back when he was 10 years old.  Could his elementary school years have been at Robb Elementary?

 

On a personal note:

I’m experiencing a massive dose of PTSD as my memories resurface again of spending many early morning hours on the radio with Denver/Boulder residents processing and mourning the Columbine school massacre 20 years ago.

 

And the visceral anxiety happened again, 10 years ago, Sandy Hook Elementary School and again 4 years ago with Stoneman Douglas High School.

 

Sharing some quotes which have been helpful:

 

Uvalde native Jon Voight visited and said:

“This is not about healthy human beings serving the country with arms to bear or even the right of this constitution for bearing arms … We must identify every individual for their credentials, for their mental capacity to bear arms."

He continued, "There should be proper qualifications for gun ownership and proper testing. One should only own a gun if they’re qualified and schooled …”

Uvalde native Matthew McConaughey also visited:

“Once again we have tragically proven that we are failing to be responsible for the rights our freedoms grant us,” McConaughey wrote. “The true call to action now is for every American to take a longer and deeper look in the mirror, and ask ourselves, ‘What is it that we truly value? How do we repair the problem? What small sacrifices can we individually take today, to preserve a healthier and safer nation, state, and neighborhood tomorrow?’ We cannot exhale once again, make excuses, and accept these tragic realities as the status quo.”

https://www.cnn.com/2022/05/26/us/uvalde-texas-elementary-school-shooting-thursday/

 

Thom Hartmann wrote on Memorial Day: “The soldiers we remember on Memorial Day fought and died to protect freedom for Americans. A nation cowering in fear of mass shootings is not free.”

A Nation Cowering in Fear of Mass Shootings Is Not Free

https://buzzflash.com/articles/thom-hartmann-a-nation-cowering-in-fear-of-mass-shootings-is-not-free

 

I find hope in Vu Le’s writing about coping with pain and despair:

"How do we grieve when every week there are multiple mass shootings? The pain and injustice has been relentless.

 

"I know so many of you are also feeling hopeless and despondent right now. We are not built to endure this much despair for this long.

 

"I find comfort in these words below by poet, author, and psychoanalyst Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés. I appreciate the whole essay, “We Were Made for These Times,” and recommend you read it in its entirety. But these sentences in particular spoke to me:

'Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world all at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach. Any small, calm thing that one soul can do to help another soul, to assist some portion of this poor suffering world, will help immensely. It is not given to us to know which acts or by whom, will cause the critical mass to tip toward an enduring good. What is needed for dramatic change is an accumulation of acts, adding, adding to, adding more, continuing. We know that it does not take everyone on Earth to bring justice and peace, but only a small, determined group who will not give up during the first, second, or hundredth gale.'"

https://nonprofitaf.com/2022/05/how-do-we-cope-with-so-much-pain-and-despair/

 

And I see humanity in what a San Antonio friend just told me about Dr. Roy Guerrero: He has provided space in his pediatric office for a counseling center to offer grief counseling in Uvalde..

 

Some Facts According to CNN:   

The massacre marked the deadliest US school shooting in nearly a decade and was at least the 30th school shooting at a K-12 school in 2022. And where active shooter attacks jumped more than 50% last year

 

More from Uvalde's only pediatrician:

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/uvaldes-only-pediatrician-shares-horror-treating-school-shooting-victi-rcna31045

 

More about Salvador Ramos childhood/family:

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/crime/texas-school-shooter-salvador-ramos-family-b2091598.html

 

Why Many Mass Shooters are Angry Young Men

https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/2022/06/03/why-so-many-mass-shooters-young-angry-men/

 

It's Not Easy Being Green - The Heartache of Being 'Different'

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2007/05/its_not_easy_be.html

 

Fear, Anger, Outrage

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2009/03/fear-anger-and-outrage.html

 

What Happens When Kids Experience a Traumatic Event?

https://www.yahoo.com/gma/happens-kids-experience-traumatic-event-214750326.html

 

The Many Faces of Survivor Guilt

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/survivor-guilt/

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Welcoming your observations and feelings and comments . . .

You can send me an email at [email protected] or Comment on www.TipsFromtheQueenofRejection.com . . .

Until next month,

Elayne

How Can Putin Save Face?

by Elayne Savage, PhD

© Can Stock Photo / AndreyPopov

 

I’ve been thinking a whole lot lately about 'Saving Face' as world-wide tensions are mounting after attacks on civilians and cities in the Ukraine.

There have been opinion pieces and several TV talking heads pondering just how Putin can feel he is saving face and can he make a graceful exit? Will he agree to negotiate a peaceful resolution or will he fight to the bitter end even if that means Russia goes down in flames as well. 

And now it seems every day heads of state are publicly shaming Putin. Sending him off to sit in the corner.

 

And Putin again and again puffs himself up, attacking Ukrainian cities and killing adults and children.

Here’s how this kind of bully behavior works:

Bullies are usually not feeling very good about themselves. In fact, they are probably feeling insecure, anxious, hurting, ineffectual, or vulnerable. Maybe all of the above.

When the bully inflates himself and takes up all that space, it is with the intention of diminishing his opponent. Putin’s need to diminish, shrivel and devastate Ukraine is pretty apparent here. But along with his acts Putin is at the same time losing respect from much of the world (and very possibly losing self-respect.)

 

I’m wondering if somehow we could offer Putin the opportunity to save face and  save his honor, this war could end. If we could only point him to a graceful exit, could we find a workable solution?

 

The Age-old Chinese Concept of 'Managing Face'

I'm been intrigued with the age-old Chinese concept of 'Managing Face' and I blogged about it almost a decade ago. Because respect is such a huge part of my focus with workshop participants, therapy and workplace clients I can't help but notice how the concept of respect and self-respect are woven throughout these definitions:

So let’s explore the Chinese wisdom of ‘Saving Face’ and ‘Losing Face’:

 

Managing Face

The concept of Face ('mian zi') includes personal esteem, your reputation and your honor. In other words, Respect.

Managing Face encompasses: Losing Face, Lending Face, Gaining Face, and Saving Face.

 

Losing Face

Losing Face is a translation of the Chinese phrase 'tiu lien' which means being unable to show one's face in public: losing your reputation and the respect of others, feeling humiliated losing self-respect.

This would include all the "diss" words I so often write about including: disrespected, dismissed, discounted, displaced, disdained, disregarded, dishonored, disgraced, disenfranchised. These feelings of course lead to self-rejection and losing face.

 

Lending Face

Lending Face is making someone look good. One way of doing this is through compliments.

 

Gaining Face

Gaining Face means gaining prestige through words or deeds. Making a name for yourself.

 

Saving Face

Saving Face ('yao mianzi') means to be concerned about appearances. Keeping your pride, dignity, reputation and integrity intact. Maintaining acceptance, self-acceptance, self-respect and the respect of others.

The skill of creatively negotiating means allowing someone to gracefully restate an opinion, change their mind or make concessions. Sometimes it only takes a slight change in wording or reframing an idea. The result is you leave an opponent a 'way out.'

Some folks will go to great lengths to 'Save Face.' They may continue a conflict in order not to look 'bad.' They might even blame the other person to deflect the embarrassment away from themselves. They might lie to cover up a mistake or blunder.

 

Playing 'Chicken' with the Abyss

Do you remember the "Chicken Run" scene in 'Rebel Without a Cause'? On a dare, Jim and Buzz race stolen cars toward the abyss.  "We are both heading for the cliff, who jumps first, is the Chicken."

Putin and world heads of state also appear to be engaged in a high-stakes game of 'Chicken." Can they step back from the abyss? Or go sailing over the cliff as Buzz did?

 

Lots of press lately about what to do about saving face and Honor:

Yahoo:       We should give Putin a face-saving way out of this war'

Fox News:  Russia is trying to save face after being embarrassed in Ukraine

BBC News: Ukraine: Putin will search for a way to save face - BBC News

 

More info about 'Managing Face':

http://hongtu-chinabusinessservices.com/business-articles/how-to-manage-face-in-china/

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Let’s have a dialogue – what are your ideas for saving face in this terrible situation between Russia and the Ukraine.

What are our own experiences?

You can send me an email at [email protected] or Comment below. . .

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

Bullying and Disrespect: the Supreme Court Hearings and on the Oscars Stage

by Elayne Savage, PhD

         ©Can Stock Photo / gina_sanders

 

When I’m around bullying behavior my reaction is visceral - the queasy, scary, yucky feeling that is connected to these disquieting childhood memories and makes me want to pull the covers over my head. Or throw up.

And that feeling sure took over during the last few days watching the confirmation hearings for Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson and watching Chris Rock tease and make a joke at Jada Pinkett Smith’s expense with husband Will Smith defending her honor and feelings and bullying back by slapping him across the face!  

Bullying is the intentional use of power over
another person to humiliate that person or make
them feel rejected and ‘less than.’

These are some common bully behaviors:

Accusing

Arrogant

Insulting

Coercive

Discrediting

Discounting

Demeaning

Slighting

Belittling

Mocking

Criticizing

Baiting

Dismissing

Diminishing

Faulting

Undermining

Condescending

Interrupting

Shaming

Smearing

Spreading rumors

‪Excluding

Offending

Scorning

Contemptuous

Name-calling

Teasing

Sarcasm

Taunting

Verbal battering

Picking fights

Assaulting, ‪shoving

Taking cheap shots

The “can’t you take a joke” variety – at someone’s expense.

 

These kinds of behaviors can feel hurtful and rejecting even when they are not malicious.

 

Can you add to the list through your observations or personal experiences?

There were a wide variety of these bullying behaviors at the Judge Jackson's Senate Judiciary hearings. I was stunned at the barrage of disrespect, bigotry and hostility directed at Judge Jackson. It actually seemed to me as if some of the Senators might be feeling threatened by the fact that she is a brilliant, educated, accomplished Black woman.

Then just a few days later we saw the teasing ‘can’t you take a joke’ variety of bullying by Chris Rock and the boundary-less defensive reaction by Will Smith that it caused at the Oscars ceremony.

With the onslaught of all these bullying happenings, no wonder I was having a PTSD-like experience.

 

A Major Truth About Bullies

The Judicial Committee Senators behavior illustrates a major truth about most bullies:

The bully is most likely not feeling very good about him or herself. In fact, they are probably feeling insecure, anxious, scared, hurting, weak, ineffectual, and/or vulnerable.

So to feel better about themselves they take a 'tough' stance and puff themselves up by trying to diminish the other person.

Another thing: bullies need an audience.

And some bullies lack empathy. Because they seem not to have a conscience they feel little or no guilt for hurting others.

The discomfort I was feeling about the Judge Jackson confirmation hearing was most likely my impression of the condescending attitudes, the tones of voice, the sarcasm, the badgering, and the constant rude interrupting of the candidate’s answers. 

However I think for me the most unsettling aspects of the questioning was the undercurrent of hateful anger and the obvious grandstanding at the expense of Judge Jackson in order to enhance the Senators visibility and to positively influence future office-seeking. 

 

It Starts in the Sandbox



I wrote in Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection:  

"It doesn’t take much for feelings to get hurt. A lot of times it 
starts in the sandbox, when one child flicks sand at another.

The 
picked-on child feels hurt and confused. 'Why me? What did I do?  
Do I just sit here and take it? Do I try to ignore it and pretend 
nothing happened? Or do I up the ante and flick sand back?'”



Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering - criticizing, 
belittling, shaming, or publicly humiliating someone.

But rejection 
doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in 
more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice.

We all want to feel respected. And bullying is big-time disrespect 
which we perceive as rejection.


 

Bullied Much of My Life

 You may have guessed that I was bullied often. I was a skinny little runt and without social graces  — and I was an easy target for older neighborhood kids and classmates to pick on.

One reason I had such painful visceral reactions to these recent bullying instances was because they brought back vivid memories and the fears associated with them. Memories of all the times someone teased me, taunted me, humiliated me, or spit at me.

Yes, spit. That's what my next door neighbors did –

They spit across the screen separating our row houses in D.C. as they called us ‘Dirty Jews.” And their teenage son Johnny used to block me with his bike in the alley and threaten to beat me up.

How sad and confusing for me at 7 years old – I really liked Marian, the little girl who lived in that house next door. We would spend hours in her basement practicing song and dance routines to popular songs.

And Marian taught me the words to

"Chi-baba, chi-baba, chi-wawa
 My bambino kook-a la goombah 
Chi-baba, chi-baba, chi-wawa
 my bambino go to sleep!" 

This lullaby still lives in my head.

And I’ll always remember the day Marian and I took a long walk together and as we were passing her church she invited me inside, led me to the alter and showed me how to light the candles.

Sadly these pleasant experiences became a little more tarnished each time her parents spit at me or my family, acting like they hated us.

Even in college I was bullied when a sorority sister repeatedly ‘cobwebbed’ my lower bunk bed by tightly stretching thread from post to post so on the dark sleeping porch when I climbed into bed, the thread would cut my skin.

I’ve done a lot of interviews. I can remember one particularly difficult interview on a national TV show. I was the newbie on the 'panel' and one of the regulars made great sport of being condescending. I managed to hold my own, but it was not a fun experience.

After the show the cameraman came up to me and asked if I was OK and tried to reassure me I did fine in spite of the bullying.

 I don’t get bullied so much any more or at least the occasional comment doesn’t upset me quite as much as it used to. It usually involves teasing which can sometimes be hurtful even when unintentional.

 

Different Degrees of Resilience

Because we have different degrees of resilience or because we don’t know how to check out someone’s intent, we might find ourselves:

- Misinterpreting an ‘attitude’ or look or tone of voice

- Misunderstanding what someone says or means

- Getting on each others nerves

- Overreacting to perceived slights

- Feeling ‘dissed’ and taking something personally

 

Let’s face it; some of us are more sensitive to words, actions, attitudes and tones of voice than others.

The more sensitive we are, the bigger the emotional imprint of bullying might be on our adult lives.

It’s easy for most of us to occasionally feel bullied or harassed and this could have an effect on how we view our world, what we tell ourselves about the safety of our world and our ability to trust the people in it.

 

Respecting Personal Space and Boundaries

Seems to me part of the problem regarding bullying is folks often don't have a much of a clue about what respectful personal space and personal boundaries look like.

If you have a blind spot to what boundaries are, how can you respect them and show respect for the personal space of others?

If you are unable to notice and recognize your own inappropriate behavior, how can you choose to change it?

For most of us on the receiving end, bullying is disrespectful and rejecting behavior.

 

Here’s a reprint of my Diss List

 

I would love to have a dialogue with you about all of this . . .

Regarding the Chris Rock/Will Smith debacle: there have been several angles for reflection on the backstories. I know from my work as a social worker and psychotherapist there are some points worth considering in this piece from the Harvard Gazette: Wait — what if Will Smith was just being a man?

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

 

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS:
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Taking Laughter Personally!

By Elayne Savage, PhD

                                                    

                                        ©Kakigori - Can Stock Photo Inc.

 

Over the years I’ve heard many stories from both workplace consultation and therapy clients about being on the receiving end of laughter and taking something personally.

 

Sometimes, though, it’s not about being on the receiving end. It’s about being unaware of their own laughter and then wondering why the other person is unsure about how to interpret the laughter.

 

I’ve been noticing how a new consultation client has been ending each of our Zoom sessions by signing off with nervous laughter.

 

I’m sure she is unaware she is doing it and unaware of how much this laughter detracts from the professional message she’s wanting to present

 

I’m planning to approach this by commenting on the gains she is making toward her goal of making a positive professional impression and ask if it’s OK if I offer a personal observation.  Would she like to work on becoming aware when she laughs and how it may negate the professional impression she wants to give in her business transactions.

 

Many of us know from our childhood experiences of being on the receiving end of laughter, how confusing it can be, how we don’t quite know how to respond to it.

 

Too often we had miserable experiences growing up thinking someone was derisively laughing at us.  Middle School is famous for fostering these insecurities!

 

Many of us used to ‘fill in the blanks’ with our own interpretation – and we still do!

 

I was one of those folks.

 

I wrote in Don’t Take It Personally! –– “It seems I was getting my feelings hurt all the time. I often thought people were laughing at me. I remember my first day at dancing class when I was about five years old. While all the parents watched, the teacher told us to follow her as best we could and she began to shuffle and stomp and kick. Then she began to shimmy, which we just couldn’t figure out. Can you just picture all of these little five-year-olds shaking their butts instead of their shoulders? The parents roared, and I, of course, thought they were laughing at me. For many years after that, I would make sure I was in the back row of any dance or movement class ….” 

“Another child might not have been so reactive. Another child might have been more resilient and not so quick to perceive rejection. Another child might have gone about his or her business without wasting time and energy on deciphering the meanings of looks, tones of voice, or laughs.”

 

Highly Sensitive to Laughter

There are a lot of us out there who had these disheartening early experiences and still find ourselves having strong reactions to someone’s laughter, interpreting it as someone laughing at us.

 

One woman remembers feeling the butt of everyone’s jokes — especially her older sister’s friends. Their teasing made her feel vulnerable and self-conscious all the time.

 

“It took a while, but I taught myself to use self-deprecating humor, trying to make sure everyone would be laughing with me and not at me. I could be a great stand-up comic!”

 

And speaking of humor and comedy, another woman recently hung up the phone when her mother started laughing during their conversation. After this hang up they didn’t talk for weeks.

 

When the daughter was able to talk about how hurt she was when her mother laughed at her, Mom looked genuinely surprised that her laughter was so hurtful – especially that her daughter felt Mom was directing it at her.

 

Then Mom tells a story her daughter has never heard before: “All my life my dream has been to be to be a comedian – to stand on the stage and bring joy by making people laugh!”

 

This story is  a good illustration of how laughter might be a double-edged sword: Wanting to bring joy through laughter to people could also cause someone to misunderstand and feel hurt.

 

From Self-reject to Self-respect ^TM

I, too, felt so much hurt from misunderstanding laughter. When I realized how this was influencing my adult interactions, I knew I had to do something to re-balance.

 

So I taught myself how to use laughter to overcome my moments of self-consciousness. As soon as I feel an insecurity coming on, I laugh at myself before anyone else can.

 

Actually I’ve developed a kind of silent giggle that instantly becomes available when I start to feel self-conscious. It helps me feel back in control of the situation and to sidestep potentially embarrassing moments.

 

Before I developed ‘the giggle’ I used to take myself so seriously. As a child I thought people were laughing at me all the time, so it wasn’t easy to learn to direct humor at myself. As I practiced, I discovered I wasn’t really laughing at myself. I was actually laughing with myself.

 

Once I began to lighten up everything changed — and I found I wasn’t taking things so personally.

 

Yes, that’s it: I learned how to find the balance of taking myself seriously enough to believe in myself, yet lightly enough to laugh with myself.

 

Do you, too, have a story to tell about your own or someone else’s nervous, self-conscious laughter?

Do you have a story to tell about overcoming the uneasy feelings that can arise in uncomfortable situations?

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

 

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Waiting and Waiting to Hear: “Thank You for Your Good Work!”

 

 

© Can Stock Photo / 72soul

A workplace consultation client, let’s call him Mel, and I were taking a deep dive into how often he feels unappreciated for his creativity and contributions at work.

 

We were exploring how disappointed he was by not being validated for his major contributions to four projects that won 5 impressive awards in his field. “I was the sole Instructional Designer on 3 of those projects.”

 

Since I had just been interviewed on professional rejection by the Washington Post’s The Lily outlet, I offered to send him the just published piece.  

 

https://www.thelily.com/everyone-gets-rejected-heres-what-our-readers-learned-from-their-toughest-ones/

 

His response was to say he was struck by how many folks in the sample told stories about how rejection spurred them on to bigger and better successes.

 

Mel realized a High School rejection experience had the opposite effect for him when he wasn’t selected for a National Merit Award. “I decided I would never receive any outside validation because I wasn’t good enough at anything else except doing well on standardized tests.”

 

“I craved validation, I needed to feel legitimized! And I hoped getting that Merit Award would give me a sense of accomplishment.”

 

 

© Can Stock Photo / izakowski

 

“Guess I’m still wanting that respect! When my company won those 5 awards no one from upper management reached out to me to say, “Thank you for your good work. That’s a real benefit to our company.”

 

Instead, silence.

 

And sometimes don’t most of us need to feel recognized, legitimized, appreciated, respected?

 

Mel’s reflections got me thinking about my own High School days when I felt Invisible. Unrecognized. Insignificant. Inconsequential. Unappreciated.

 

And I recalled how frequently these early rejecting experiences seemed to follow me into the workplace. There have been so many times when I was hoping someone would pat me on the head and say, “Atta girl!”

 

Most of us have a need to feel worthy and appreciated for who we are and what we do.

 

I encourage workplace and psychotherapy clients to ‘walk alongside themselves’ and observe (without judgment) how their early messages and experiences of disappointment and rejection might be reflected in their present day professional (and personal) experiences.

 

By discovering what those early messages have been and how they might be influencing present-day interactions, we can step back and choose to try out new approaches.

 

There are many facets of rejection and self-rejection. For many of us feeling disrespected usually leads the list. There are all kinds of flavors of feeling ‘dissed’ so I created a ‘Diss List’ of ways we might tend to feel dissed, feel rejected, get our feelings hurt and take something personally:

 

How many of these feelings do you recognize?

 

Can you think of other “diss” feelings we can add to the list?

 

Do you have a story to tell about your own experience with feeling accepted or disappointed and rejected?

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

A Rejection Refresher Course for the New Year

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

                                                                                © Can Stock Photo / artursz

 

 

So I’m thinking a useful way to end the year is recapping some talking points about rejection, hurt feelings and taking things personally included in past blogs from the last 15 years.

 

Prevention Magazine recently featured some of my ideas along with the wise observations of Matt Lundquist the Clinical Director of Tribeca Therapy.

 

And a recent piece in the Atlanta Journal Constitution has some terrific ideas on how to deal with hurt feelings around the holidays. For sure I’ve blogged about these challenges  many times and the paper links to a blog from 2019.

 

So I’m reprinting these two features –sort of a Special Edition Rejection Cliff Notes.

 

Let me know the ways you might find these useful. . .

 

Tips From Prevention Magazine . . .

 

6 Tips for Dealing With Rejection, According to Experts

You’re not just sensitive—rejection hurts and we have the science to prove it.

By Micaela Bahn

 

https://www.prevention.com/health/mental-health/a38175548/how-to-get-over-rejection/

 

Hooray! You took a risk and put yourself out there. But after all of that emotional effort, it didn’t go as planned, and now you’re feeling just a bit wounded. Everyone deals with rejection at one point or another, so it’s no secret–rejection hurts. Whatever business we start, serious relationship we pursue, or personal risk we take, the risk of a defeating “no” looms large over our actions. Fear of rejection is completely normal, and the good news is plenty of happy, successful people have faced rejection and come out better for it.

 

So, why does it seem like some people are better at dealing with it than others? Sometimes, it’s about how you frame the setback. “Rejection hurts, in part, because one of the most fundamental human fears is abandonment, ” say’s Matt Lundquist, psychotherapist and Founder and Clinical Director of Tribeca Therapy.

 

Likewise, we frequently misinterpret rejection and consider it an indicator of our self-worth, especially if it’s attached to a rejection we experienced early in life, says Elayne Savage, Ph.D., LMFT, and author of Don’t Take It Personally: The Art of Dealing with Rejection. “Rejection messages, direct or indirect, intentional or not, leave bruises on self-esteem and security in both our personal and workplace relationships.”

 

The sting of rejection can be painful enough to make us never want to take the risk again, especially when we’ve put our emotions on the line. But if we take rejection as the end-all-be-all, we miss out on so many of the wonderful and surprising opportunities life has to offer. Fortunately, there are a few tangible steps you can take to help change your frame of mind so that the burn doesn’t last. Here’s why rejection hurts so much and some expert-approved tips for moving forward and finding emotional strength.

 

1. Know there’s a reason that rejection hurts

The term ‘sting of rejection’ isn’t just an apt turn of phrase for hurt feelings. Your brain actually registers the pain of rejection as a physical wound, so don’t think of yourself as overly sensitive.

 

In a study published in Science, researchers used fMRI’s to determine that rejection activates many of the same brain regions involved in physical pain. Their theory as to why: Our social bonds help promote survival. “We are fundamentally social creatures,” says Lundquist. “This isn't merely a preference—we depend on one another to survive. On a primal level, being cast out of a family or group is synonymous with death.”

 

Evolution aside, our reaction to social rejection is also impacted by our attachment styles, or our unique way of relating to others in a relationship. Learning to attach and to confidently detach is something we develop in childhood, explains Lundquist. In healthy attachment styles, children learn to tolerate the unpleasantness of being separate from a parent and, eventually, from other love objects. So, rejection is a particularly unpleasant form of detachment.

 

2. Process your feelings

Now that you know the pain isn’t just in your head, it’s time to identify and process all of the feelings that come with it. Give yourself permission to feel the full scope of your emotions. It’s important to put any sense of loss in perspective, says Savage. Here are a couple of check-in questions and coping tools that she offers patients:

 

• Ask yourself, ‘Am I taking this personally?’
• Ask yourself, ‘What old messages might be impacting these feelings of rejection?’
• Mindfully notice your feelings and reactions (mindfulness means without judgment!).
• Give a voice to your feelings—speak your feelings out loud or write them down.

 

Each of these exercises can help untangle our present feelings. “It’s critical to recognize our early rejection messages from childhood, how we dealt with them, and how they have affected our current worldview,” Savage explains. If we recognize these feelings and reactions, we can choose to change them.

 

3. Understand where the rejection came from

Take a deep breath because it’s time to do the scary work of exploring our own role in the rejection (again, without judgment!). One major pitfall in relationships is that we sometimes don’t communicate what we want clearly. Ask yourself: Was I asking someone to read my mind, and do I feel disappointed? Savage notes that in our need to protect ourselves from rejection, we may leave blanks for someone else to fill in.

 

Similarly, our insecurities can also lead us to perceive something as rejection when it’s actually not. “​​If we don’t clarify meaning, it can often lead to hurt feelings, taking something personally, anger and resentment,” says Savage. This “clarifying,” can be internal or in conversation with the other party. For instance, you asked your boss for a promotion and they told you you aren’t quite ready. Instead of taking this personally and giving up on that hope for your future, think of it as an opportunity to find out what your boss needs from you to beready.

 

A quick and easy check-in strategy you can try with interpersonal relationships, from Savage:

1. This is what I heard you say ___________.
2. Is it what you said?
3. Is it what you meant?

 

There are certainly times we shouldn’t delve further into the rejection conversation. But if the situation allows for it and it feels right, this strategy can work to fix communication breakdowns and save your unnecessary hurt.

 

4. Avoid unproductive rumination

 

At the same time, be kind to yourself in your reflection! We have a tendency to be our own worst critics. But ruminating for hours on everything you did wrong may overgeneralize the situation or discourage you from taking future risks—just because you didn’t get this job, doesn’t mean you’ll never get a job. “Some of the biggest challenges patients face when processing rejection are the tendency to self-blame and spend way too much energy on catastrophizing the situation,” Savage explains. Instead, try to take a more objective standpoint in your assessment and move on to what’s next.

 

5. Take stock of what you can learn

Allow yourself to frame the situation as an experience you can grow from. For example, you want to take a romantic relationship to a more serious level, but your partner does not. Sure, this can be related to your role in the relationship, but the other person may also have a hard time with commitment. “What can you learn about what didn't work in the relationship?” Lundquist asks. “Are there ways you need to grow as a person? If there is a history of attachment trauma or unhealthy attachment, say to unavailable people, you want to bring that to therapy.” Not only will this give you perspective, but it will also help you avoid pitfalls in the future.

 

6. Surround yourself with positivity

No matter the “size” of the rejection, whether it’s at work or home, it can still have a negative impact on our sense of self-worth. Mediate that response by reminding yourself of your strengths. Studies show that practicing affirmations can decrease stress, increase well-being, improve academic performance, and makes people more open to behavior change. It can also help bring an end to that troublesomerumination. If you need a list of affirmations to get your creative juices flowing, here are 40 examples from Kaiser Permanente.

 

You can also do activities that help boost your mood, affirm your self-worth, and do them with those who care about you. “It's important to get support from caring people when going through a hard time, and that also goes for rejection,” says Lundquist.

 

7. Redirect your thoughts on moving forward

You’ve faced rejection and survived it, now don’t let it hold you back from life! How will you apply what you learned to the future? What life advice did the situation give you? The best part of rejection is looking forward and learning not to be so hard on yourself in the future. “Moving on can mean finding the courage to try again, whether that’s going up for another promotion or asking someone out for coffee,” Savage says.

 

Micaela Bahn is a freelance editorial assistant and recent graduate from Carleton College, where she majored in English literature.

 

And from the Atlanta Journal Constitution . . .

 

This recent piece has some terrific ideas on how to deal with hurt feelings around the holidays. For sure I’ve blogged about this many times over the last 15 years and I’m glad the paper included some of my ideas!

 

Don’t Get Your Feelings Hurt This Christmas

 

https://www.ajc.com/things-to-do/atlanta-winter-guide/dont-get-your-feelings-hurt-this-christmas/VQ2NDVEWTFFSFKF66GQJCIYSZ4/

A really helpful any-time primer on how to deal with disappointments and to not take things so personally!

 

Wishing you a New Year filled with all good things!

 

Image by Gerd Altmann, Pixabay

 

Until Next month,

Elayne

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS You can reprint any blog from 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. And I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Tip-toeing Through Thanksgiving

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

I wrote my first Thanksgiving Survival blog November 2007. That year I described how the stressful times we live in contributed to acrimony at  the table.
 
The know-it-all uncle who always has to always be  right or the aunt who loves to tease and embarrass someone are again guests at the  table.

 

Over the years I would describe these kinds of unpleasant exchanges with right-on observations and  clever humor.

 

Things aren’t so funny anymore . . .

 

Back in 2017 I wrote:

“Every couple of years I blog about ways to take care of ourselves when Holiday get-togethers become tense or uncomfortable or contentious –– especially in stressful times.

“Is it my imagination that this year there seems to be more lashing out, acting out, and fighting it out?

“How can you best stay calm when folks around 
you are losing control? Probably someone will take something personally and overreact, 
saying or doing something that could ruin things for everyone.”

 

Oh, man. How naïve I was back then about the ravages of stress. Covid has produced even more unrelenting uncertainty, fears for personal safety and security, and for some of us, even a sense of alarm.

 

Honestly, sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe – and here in California the smoky air from months of fires this last year didn’t help matters.

 

So grateful to have my room air purifier!

 

So here comes Thanksgiving again . . .

Thinking positive thoughts of gratitude could be a difficult thing to do while sitting at the dinner table with relatives who have much different ideas about masks or vaccinations or inflation or ballot recounts or immigration or social justice or protests or riots or guns and rifles or climate change or universal pre-K or women’s right to choose or voting rights or infrastructure or childcare or subpoenas and indictments or various trials.

 

So much intensity and bitterness and everybody seems to be ready to pick a fight, needing to be right – and to make everybody else ‘and wrong and bad.’

 

Are there any topics you feel safe talking about?

 

So let’s prepare ourselves in case there is discord at the table. Here are a few ideas and options I’ve offered over the last 15 years and maybe some new ones too.

 

Uncle George is at the table again. Lately he has been more blustery and obnoxious then ever before. In the past you’ve been embarrassed when you realize you are raising your voice to be heard above his rants and to make your point.

 

So how do you handle him this year?

- Remind yourself he tries to ‘bait’ you and try not to bite.

- Be direct. Say "'Uncle George, I can see you feel strongly about your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this subject with you.’

 

• Imagine you are watching family members as characters in Theatre of the Absurd

It usually helps is to take a step back, reminding yourself that observing the drama of your family at Thanksgiving is like watching a Theatre of the Absurd.

 

Much like Beckett's "Waiting for Godot" or Pirandello's "Six Characters in Search of an Author,” these scenes and dialogue sound surreal.

 

Maybe by creating a little distance you might even find them somewhat entertaining in their weirdness.

 

Using this observational perspective about the cast of characters at your table can provide the distance you need to protect from hurt feelings and to not take things so personally.

 

• Stay aware of appropriate personal boundaries when the other person transgresses your emotional or physical boundaries.

From Breathing Room

“Having good 
personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our 
personal space is unique and separate from the personal space 
of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person 
begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."

 

You may want to set your own safety rules around hugs and kisses because of Covid, and its OK to say “I need you to respect my safety requests here.

 

• Try to be mindful of your thoughts, words and reactions and remind yourself you can make choices about how you respond.

You may have heard this from me before: walk alongside yourself, and mindfully notice your thoughts and feelings and reactions. (Mindful means ‘without judgment’!). 

 

Recognizing and ‘naming’ our thoughts and feelings helps to avoid getting swept up in the moment, slows down the intensity and helps you identify your options for responding.

 

If we can’t recognize it, if it’s a blindspot, we can’t make the choice to change it. Observing gets the flow going and opens up space for seeing our options for how we respond. 

 

Just because we disagree with someone, doesn’t mean we have to argue or force our point of view.

 

Can you listen respectfully, without interrupting or arguing or rolling your eyes. If someone feels dissed by your words, tone or attitude, they might overreact and that’s when things get out of control.

 

And speaking of respect. Here’s a tip I have offered for decades in my workshops and to therapy and workplace consulting clients for dealing with toxic bosses or colleagues:

 

Since infancy we look into someone’s eyes hoping to find validation and respect. So we are quick to recognize it and respond positively (and quick to respond negatively if we feel rejected – disrespected or dismissed.

 

• Turning negative energy into a respectful, positive conversation

I suggest trying to employ the concept of reciprocity to encourage an exchange of positive, respectful energy between you and the other person.

 

Reciprocity relates to how each person's behavior affects and is affected by the behavior of the other.

In other words, what someone thinks you are thinking about them is how they are going to respond to you. 

 

Can you find something to like or appreciate about the person you are talking with? This can be a real attribute you find likeable or it can be something more subtle like their smile, their choice of colors, their hair style, their laugh. Can you conjure up a positive thought about them? Keep trying. I bet you can come up with something.

 

Then focus on that feature while you are interacting. They will see respect in your eyes and almost always respond the same to you!

 

• Strategize escape routes if things start getting off track

– Excuse yourself from the table and walk yourself into the bathroom for a few minutes, close the door and breath deeply.

– Walk into the kitchen to get a glass of water or to help out the host.

– Make a deal with yourself before the dinner that you will give yourself permission to leave early if you are feeling too stressed and upset. Plan out beforehand your excuse for leaving.

 

• And the best survival tactic is to not take things so personally – it’s probably not really about you!

Aunt Judy will be at the table this year too. You have always dreaded her unrelenting obnoxious comments that make you want to crawl under the table and disappear when she broadcasts stories about your childhood insecurities: “You always were too sensitive.”

 

Try being direct about her boundary transgressions: “Aunt Judy, in celebrating this time of appreciation, i would appreciate it  if you agree not to tell childhood stories about me.”

 

Can you remind yourself that teasing is bullying behavior and bullies are often feeling ‘less than’ and insecure. They have a need to puff themselves up by diminishing others..

 

Can you remind yourself that her snide comments to you are most likely reflections of her own insecurities that she is projecting onto you.

 

Can you remind yourself that it’s probably not about you can do wonders toward helping you regain your balance in awkward and unsettling situations. Someone’s judgments, criticisms or accusations might only be their projection onto you of their own unacceptable and disowned parts of themselves.

 

These unacknowledged feelings can include
anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness, 
vulnerabilities, incompetence, or dependency."

 

Keep reminding yourself these kinds of criticisms are really about the other person – not about you – so try not to take it personally!

 

• Remind yourself not get pulled in when the fisherman throws out bait by their teasing, accusations, mean-spiritedness, or cluelessness.

Can you choose not to be the fish that bites the bait?

 

In my 2015 Thanksgiving blog I wrote this quote from Master Yoda:

"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

 

Would you agree the meaning is so much more profound today?

 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone who celebrates this holiday . . . and wishing everyone a time of gratitude, of appreciating and of receiving appreciation – wherever you reside in the world . . .

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

I Didn't Know the Gun Was Loaded . . .

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

                                                © Can Stock Photo - McIninch                                                                                

 

When I was little I played with my daddy’s gun.

 

I’d pull the stool from the vanity over to the dresser so I could reach the top drawer and then reach under clothing for the gun. Luckily there was never a bullet in a chamber – but there could have been. 

 

I know now this is how unintentional shootings happen.

 

I felt perfectly comfortable with the gun. It was many years before I started becoming upset by the memory of this as I was reading story after story about children playing with guns and shooting themselves or someone else.  

 

It was then that I began to understand how dangerous it could have been.  I realized these unintended shootings happened when a supposedly responsible adult forgot to empty all the chambers AND  forgot to secure the gun in locked location –– then a child got killed or injured. 

 

I Cringe from These Tragedies 

I cringe each time I hear about these unintentional shootings by and of a child. 

I know it’s a PTSD visceral response for me whenever I read about one of these senseless deaths or injuries. I’m reminded, “It could have been me.” 

I have been reacting to these ‘accident’ stories for years, but I’ve never written about my feelings until now. 

 

Most shootings by children are shootings of children 

Yes, most shootings by children are shootings of children, a young sibling or a cousin or a playmate.  However, sometimes a child shoots an uncle or aunt. Sometimes a parent – or even both parents.

 

Sometimes they unintentionally shoot themselves in the head or heart and die. 

 

They find the guns in closets and nightstand drawers and backpacks or purses, or just left out in plain sight.

 

Recently many of us were aghast when a toddler in his Florida house found an unsecured gun and shot and killed his mother while she was on a video call with co-workers. Her colleagues witnessed the shooting and called 911. 

 

Seem to be happening as well at children’s birthday parties. Imagine the traumatic memories each of these children will carry with them for the rest of their lives.

 

I’m a great believer in giving overwhelming feelings some form and shape and I discovered a website that keeps track of unintentional shootings of children by children. 

Everytown Research and Policy  

 https://everytownresearch.org/report/notanaccident/

 

In 2021 there were at least 288 unintentional shootings by children, resulting in 118 deaths and 185 injuries nationally. 

 

• Shootings by children are most often also shootings of children. Ninety-one percent of those injured or killed in unintentional shootings by children were also under 18.

 

• Seven in ten of the unintentional child shootings occurred in homes, whether in the home of the shooter, the victim, a relative’s house, or another home. Unintentional shootings occurred most frequently when children were likely to be home: over the weekend, in the summer, and during school holidays. 

 

• The two age groups most likely to be both shooters and victims were teenagers 14 to 17 first, and then preschoolers five and younger. 

 

• The 10 states with the highest rates of injury and death as a result of unintentional child shootings had rates more than 12 times higher than the 10 states with the lowest rates.

 

• States with secure storage or child access prevention laws had the lowest rates of injury or death from unintentional child shootings. Rates of death or injury from these shootings in states with no secure storage laws were double to triple the rates in states with laws that hold gun owners accountable when children can or do access an unsecured gun.

https://everytownresearch.org/maps/notanaccident/

 

As I stated above, I”ve been wanting to write down my feelings about children having access to guns for several years. Interestingly what prompted me right now was reading about another senseless horrific unintentional killing.  When Alec Baldwin, practicing drawing his prop gun, shot and killed cinematographer Halyna Hutchins and wounded director, Joel Souza on the ‘Rust’ movie set. The supposedly "cold" gun handed to Baldwin for practice had a real bullet in the chamber.

 

What was especially disturbing is a report describing how a number of crew members had taken prop guns from the movie set of ‘Rust’ — including the gun that killed Halyna Hutchins — to go “plinking” to pass the time a few hours before the unintentional shooting.  I grew up in Nebraska knowing about this activity where folks shot beer cans off of a fence with live ammunition for fun­­ –– but I’ve never heard the term ‘plinking’ before.  Have you?

https://www.yahoo.com/now/rust-shooting-gun-killed-halyna-210815754.html

 

I grew up hearing the song 'I Didn’t Know the Gun Was Loaded' and didn’t think much about it –– until recently –– and now I can’t seem to get it out of my head.

 

I’d be grateful if some of you would discuss your own ideas on accidental shootings by children. Having these conversations would be really helpful for me. And maybe for you too.

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

      

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu   To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Congressional Communication Breakdowns Replicate Troubled Couples

By Elayne Savage, PhD

                                                                                                          © Can Stock Photo / focalpoint

 

Lately the squabbling and dramatic goings-on in Congress remind me of many troubled couples I see in my psychotherapy practice.

 

My intake information form asks: “Why did you decide to come into therapy now?” and almost always couples answer with the same one or two words: “Communication” or “Communication Problem.”

 

My first job, of course, is to get some specifics about what this means – “communication” covers a lot of ground.

 

Mostly couples want to be listened to, heard, and understood.

 

The kinds of things that are often lacking in these relationships are what appears to be lacking in our present Congress: becoming entrenched in ‘my way or the highway’ thinking, the inability to clearly define what they want and expecting others to read their minds, and not having skills to respectfully negotiate a workable solution.

 

I describe it this way: If we can’t talk it out, we act it out – sometimes by name-calling or by outbursts, but often by non-actions such as sulking or foot-dragging or saying ‘yes-but’ or by making promises that are not kept, or by shutting out the other person.

 

Feeling Rejected and Disrespected Through Misunderstandings

Too often they do not know how to clarify meaning and they ‘fill in the blanks” with their own interpretation.

 

One easy way to check out meaning is:

- This is what I heard you say? ––––––––––––––––

- Is this what you said?

- Is this what you meant?

The gives the other person two opportunities to clarify and avoid any misunderstanding.

 

These mis-cues and misunderstandings are a breeding ground for taking things personally, hurt feelings, disrespect, anger, feeling rejected, resentment and further breakdown in communication.

 

Resentment sure takes up a tremendous amount of space in any type of relationship – including Congress.

 

Communication breakdown too often leads to blaming, dismissive, name-calling behaviors. Needing to make the other person ‘bad and wrong.’ Inability to take responsibility for their words or actions., dismissive behaviors such as diminishing the other person by bullying.

 

I work with couples toward defining and asking for what they want or need, feeling 'heard' by their partner, respecting rather than feeling threatened by differences of style, putting themselves in the shoes of the other person, giving and receiving respect, and enhancing ways to work as a team. 

 

Even when they come in with different agendas, I coach them:

- to clearly communicate so each is feeling listened to and heard.

- to use words of yearning instead of complaining.

- to enhance their relationship strengths by helping the hurt, anger, disrespect and resentment to fall away, allowing space for responsiveness, accessibility and connection.

- to fully understand the power of reciprocity in relationships:

 

Understanding Sequence and Reciprocity

Sequence is identifying what behavior comes before and what behavior follows. And what comes before that? And before that? What behavior comes after? Soon a pattern of interaction begins to emerge.

 

Related to sequence is reciprocity – the effect of behavior on future behaviors – how one response begets another. In other words, every action is also a reaction, creating a circular rather than linear process of relating.

It means taking a good look at how folks participate in and contribute to the flow of any interaction. In both negative and positive ways.

In other words, what someone thinks you are thinking about them is how they are going to respond to you. 

 

Let’s suppose one person says something the other person perceives as accusatory. The response is often to protect from the perceived attack. The first reaction may be to withdraw, maybe nursing hurt feelings or giving the other person the silent treatment.

 

What if this withdrawal is perceived as a snub? What if they say something hurtful in response?

 

And what happens then? Does the person withdraw even more to protect themselves from more hurt? And does the other person feel even more ignored and slighted? How do they react to this feeling?

 

At what point does the interaction start to disintegrate?

 

And on and on it goes. In other words, in this kind of circular interaction, each person's behavior affects and is affected by the other person’s behavior.

 

Before you know it, there is a reciprocity of behaviors that's rapidly getting out of hand.

 

Yep, that describes Congress perfectly: Out of Hand.

Until next month, 

Elayne

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Inhale. Exhale.

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

© CanStock Photos

 

This Seattle times op-ed by the Head of School at Seattle Girls' School, Brenda Leaks, is helping me get through the very tough times of late. I’m grateful to my daughter Jocelyn for forwarding this to me.

As the doors of Seattle Girls' School are opening for the beginning of a new school year Brenda Leaks is describing her complex thoughts, observations, concerns and hopes.

She seems to portray classroom challenges as a microcosm for the world and for our planet.

“This is not the back-to-school season any of us expected, she writes. With the delta variant surging, we are steeling ourselves for yet another year of uncertainty.”

“I found myself with my eyes closed, inhaling and exhaling deeply in an effort to center myself.”

 

Throughout her piece, she reminds us:

 

Inhale, exhale.

 

“At this strange moment, deep breathing seems like the best thing we can do. Inhaling creates the space to pull in strength and patience and exhaling lets us release anxiety and doubt.”

 

I was immediately caught up by her observations, especially because she focuses on so many of the themes I have been blogging about: the need for community, feeling left out or left behind, another year of uncertainly, how to feel safe, and how each person is dealing with different feelings, stressors, comfort levels and anxieties.

 

I just love her repetition of her reminders to:

 

“Inhale, exhale.”

 

These words have now become indelible inside my head.

 

And yet, as I write this while struggling to breathe because of the intense smoke from our nearby wildfires, I am fully aware that there are many whose lungs don’t cooperate, breathing is compromised from Covid or other disabilities. Perhaps the idea of breathing is best identified as a way of creating space when we feel tense, stressed, anxious, exasperated.

 

I’ve been working hard to keep my own anxieties at bay. I’m a news junkie at heart and I’m certainly feeling overwhelmed these days.

 

Are Evacuations Becoming a Way of Life?

 

So many evacuations –– in Afghanistan of course and in the US, too, from Hurricane Ida, floods, tornados and storms and because of all the wildfires throughout California.

 

Imagine! Hurricane Ida made landfall in Louisiana on the same date Katrina did 16 years earlier!

 

Evacuations have become a part of my personal life too, mostly because of wildfire threats to our drought-ridden areas.

 

A year ago Josie the Cat and I evacuated 7 times in two months during extreme fire danger conditions. City officials kept warning us that cars would not be able to drive down the hill because of our narrow streets. And we continue to get red flag warnings regularly.

 

When I blogged last month about getting our Afghan interpreters to safety so there is no one left behind, I didn’t expect a Taliban takeover within 2 ½ weeks, followed by 2 suicide bombs by ISIS-K killing 13 of US troops and scores of civilians.

 

And, too, I have needed much healing space after a very scary car accident in mid-March when I hydroplaned into logs bordering the narrow road. I have a serious traumatic head injury from hitting the driver’s side window – hard.

 

Rescue, police and the tow guy all said I was really lucky — that my solid SUV saved me. The car was totaled of course.

 

I am working every day to stay calm in this chaotic world. I have been trying to cut back on my news junkie hours. I have been working one-on-one with a meditation instructor and I am making a real effort to spend even 10 minutes a couple times a day to calm my mind.

 

Once I got over my long-held belief from Zen Center days that meditation has to be 30 or 40 minutes, it has become so much easier for me to make the space.

 

Inhale, exhale.

 

And I appreciate Brenda Leaks down-to-earth description of Joy:

“Moving forward with purpose and excitement despite setbacks.”

 

Inhale, exhale.

 

So I’m sharing this op-ed with you, hoping you, too, can apply some her ideas to our larger-than-a-classroom-sometimes overwhelming complex world . . .

https://www.seattletimes.com/author/brenda-leaks/

 

Until next month, Elaynne

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Comments, ideas, discussion anyone?

[email protected]

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Feeling Left Behind

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

 

 

Yesterday I heard Matt Zeller, a founder of No One Left Behind passionately speaking about the first planeload of 221 Afghan interpreters and their families arriving in Virginia –  the first wave of evacuees under the Special Immigrant Visa Program.

 

Zeller asks: “Do we have the courage and conviction to do what is necessary here?

 

We have to do it honorably.  We have the ability to save them – they don’t have the ability to save themselves. It is up to us.”

 

There have been some touching first person experiences about Afghan interpreters who have saved many lives and now their families lives are in danger from the Taliban.

 

No One Left Behind, cofounded by Afghanistan combat veteran Matt Zeller and interpreter Janis Shinwari, helps endangered interpreters and their families immigrate to the United States. Shinwari saved countless American lives, including Zeller’s in Afghanistan.

https://nooneleft.org/

 

Eliot Ackerman, a former Marine and intelligence officer who served five tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan describes his re-connection with his Afghan interpreter, Ali.

https://amp.theatlantic.com/amp/article/619151/.

 

And more interpreter evacuee information:

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/first-afghan-interpreters-their-families-arrive-in-the-u-s-on-special-visas

https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/2021/07/30/afghan-interpreters-evacuations/

 

I have been aware for quite a while that the Taliban has threatened Afghan interpreters. Matt Zeller states “If you worked for the Americans for even a day — leads to a death sentence for you and your family by Taliban.”

 

Now, with the Taliban advancing into territories as the Americans withdraw, this fear becomes more real every day.

 

So I’ve been pretty distressed about the seemingly hopeless situation of the interpreters and their families who will be left behind. I kept thinking that my degree of distress seems more complex. What’s going on here?

 

Then I knew! I have a long-time relationship with a fear of being left behind.  I have heard scores of ‘left behind’ stories from therapy and workplace clients, workshop participants, colleagues and friends.

 

Some of My Feeling ‘Left Behind’ Experiences

Here we go:

In 2^nd grade in DC they did away with mid-year so we were either placed forward a grade or back based on our birthdates. I was placed forward since I had just missed the deadline cutoff. The third grade class had already learned cursive and more challenging math and I felt really left behind in my abilities. I began to doubt myself. 

 

My good friend was placed back a grade and was so upset about it, feeling and “dumb” and very left behind.

 

I’ve heard many classroom moved forward and moved back stories over the years. Both situations can have such long-term effects on us.

 

As the daughter of a ‘stage mother’ I was always afraid I wouldn’t be chosen for a part in a play and that I would disappoint her.

 

I am clear now that I decided to go back to school for a Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology because several of my coworkers were chosen to attend an in-house graduate program. My feeling left behind spurred me on to attend a private Psychology graduate school! 

 

I can see how these ‘left behind’ experiences are very connected to my rejection issues of feeling ‘left out’ which have plagued me into my adult years.

 

Other Voices

 

A woman I know grew up in a family where she was told college was “not for her” because of her learning disability.  One day her mom and sister said to her—‘it is time to accept your life is over and to find a husband in the town and settle and have kids.”  She clearly did not feel heard or acknowledged by her family.

 

After many years of feeling left behind by her peers who had already graduated college or graduate school, she decided as an adult to start community college and transfer to the University. She is determined to graduate. Her resiliency is amazing. Through self advocacy she tirelessly pursued effective communication accommodations that include Communication Access Realtime Translation (CART) captioning and transcription services.

 

“When I decided to begin college with the help of the new Americans with Disabilities Act technology law  to get CART Captioning and  transcription services, I found my accommodation needs were not being heard and recognized and acknowledged by the school and the department that was supposed to provide these to me. So almost daily I was left behind the class because I was unable to complete my reading and assignments.

 

The dread of being left behind is constantly recreated by the University’s inability to provide adequate accommodations for me and I am regularly not feeling heard or acknowledged — just as it was in my family!

 

Again I watched everyone pass me up and graduate and move on with their lives.

 

“This is deeply sad and painful to face the reality that not only did I try to go to college once and twice and people are passing me by and graduating that are younger than me. My completion of classes and graduation keeps getting postponed because of the University’s inability to provide acceptable and timely transcription services and CART captioning to me."

 

I’ve heard many stories about clients not feeling they can start college or specialized training because they believe or had been told by family or high school teachers they lack the skills. 

 

One student summed it up pretty well: “Being left behind is like the ultimate rejection. Being left behind means feeling despair because of missing emotional support and perhaps financial support from your family.”

 

Another student describes:

Lack of family support feels like rejection and makes you question yourself. It's unfortunate but this kind of stuff can really make you dwell and take you down the road of depression. It's a Dark Road. 

 

Several students painfully remember how they were told they lack the skills and abilities. They were also told "That's a pipe dream - Be realistic."

 

When Separations Can Feel Like Being Left Behind

. . . and Abandonment

 

Lots of stories too about when families are no longer intact and the separation arrangements might lead to children feeling ‘left behind.’ 

 

Or feeling ‘left behind’ when a good friend moves across town or across the country. Especially if you did not receive much of a warning. This sort of thing happens all too often.

 

It does seem like abandonment fears may sometimes arise from certain ‘left behind’ experiences.

 

So many types of ‘left behind’ experiences.

Do you have one to tell as well? Would really love to hear your stories.

 

Until next month,

 

Elayne

 

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

 

 

Disloyalty, Betrayal and Secrets, Too

By Elayne Savage, PhD

© Can Stock Photo / Elnur

 

Loyalty and Betrayal (and Secrets, too) have been a popular topic with friends, colleagues and clients lately. There must be something in the air.

Topics of Loyalty, Betrayal and Secrets have captured my interest for decades – they have such a strong connection to the many facets of Rejection.

So I’m excited about Jonathan Karl’s soon-to-be-published book Betrayal, due out in November!

In graduate school, I was totally intrigued by Invisible Loyalties, by Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy, focusing on how loyalty and betrayal messages travel throughout the generations in our families.

More about “Invisible Loyalties and the Ledger

 

He describes an invisible ‘ledger’ of justice and injustice, fairness and unfairness, trustworthiness and untrustworthiness and loyalty and betrayal.  

My first reaction: OMG that’s my family! I have never thought about things this way.

There are so many messages we take on in our growing up years. Messages about our world, the people in our world, our sense of safety and security in our world and our ability to trust.

And experiences with the disappointments of Loyalty, Betrayal and Secrets can big time affect our ability to trust.

I see it this way: Too often we might find ourselves feeling disappointed in people or events.                                      And all too often, Disappointment feels like Rejection.

 

When Disloyalty Rears Its Ugly Head

 

Sometimes someone takes it personally if the other person neglects to agree with them or take their advice. This feels like disloyalty to them – a betrayal. In other words: “If you're not for me, you're against me.”

Some folks even encourage others to choose sides. And because blind support becomes a proof of loyalty to them, if it is absent they they feel betrayed and take it personally.

Sometimes in interactions with other there is just no room for mistakes – even the smallest gaffe can quickly become distorted into “proof” of disloyalty and emphasizing what a bad person that person is.

Some folks seem to have a need to lash out and punish others for a mis-step, kind of like when a dog has an 'accident,’ rubbing its nose in it "to teach a lesson."

Then again, sometimes it emanates from being vindictive and retaliating in just plain mean-spiritedness

Are there other kinds of Disloyalty experiences you are aware of?

 

Making Someone ‘Bad and Wrong’

 

Wrapped up in our need to make others bad and wrong might be connected to our inability to take responsibility for our thoughts or actions.

Some of us never heard our parents take responsibility or apologize. To each other. Or to us. For anything.

Some of us struggle with taking responsibility for actions because we confuse it with the idea we might feel blamed (or even shamed.)

And if we cannot tolerate these feelings in ourselves this can lead to psychological projection – the tendency to see our own shortcomings in others.

 

Psychological Projection

 

So basically Psychological Projection is a tendency to mistakenly imagine certain traits exist in the other person when we cannot acknowledge them in ourselves. This is because these disowned parts of ourselves make us uncomfortable because they are emotionally unacceptable to us.

Projection is how many people deal with all kinds of unacknowledged, unacceptable feelings including anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness, vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency.

(For more on Psychological Projection, see link below)

 

The ‘Attack-Defend’ Dynamic

 

When we feel a finger is pointed and we feel criticized or blamed, the tendency is to protect ourselves and retaliate. And the Attack-Defend’ dynamic springs into action. Somebody feels attacked, takes something personally and sometimes the other person becomes ‘the enemy.”

The person who feels attacked and vulnerable often defends against the attack by attacking back - sometimes desperately and ferociously:  

Lashing out

Accusing

Discrediting

Discounting

Slighting

Criticizing

Dismissing

Diminishing

Faulting

Undermining

Shaming

Smearing

Scorning

You may recognize these responses as rejecting behaviors.

 

Some Tips for Tapping Into Your Resilience

 

I like to remind myself of the old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing. When someone is pointing a finger at you, try to remind yourself that three fingers are pointing right back at the person pointing. The SNL folks got it right.

• It helps to put things in perspective by asking yourself:

       Am I taking this personally? How?

       Is there any cause for me to feel threatened?

       Am I feeling rejected in some way?

       Where did this reaction come from?

          Is it something “old”?

         (From Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection)

• Try repeating:

      "This is not about me.  This is most likely about the other person and they are probably talking about themselves.

      What might they be saying?“ Could they be coming from a place of fear and needing to protect themselves?

• Too often a situation in the present reminds us of an experience from the past. Do you know what that experience might be? Is it superimposing onto your present experience?

The context and people may be very different from what is happening now, however the experience continues to reside in your neural pathways and becomes visceral.

• Can you remind yourself to try to separate the ‘then’ from the ‘now’ so you are creating some distance? So you don't find yourself taking things so personally and overreacting.

• By ’walking alongside yourself, noticing and naming’ your thoughts, feelings and behaviors, you can remind yourself you do have options for your reactions.

 

‘Make a Choice to Make a Change'

 

Think about it this way: we cannot really purposefully change a behavior if we cannot see it.

So by ‘noticing and naming’ you can call up the image of yourself coming to a fork in the road. And you can chose to move forward along a new path. You can ‘make a choice to make a change.’

More on Finger Pointing, Taking Things Personally, Rejection and Projection

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month . . .

Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

Both books are now available on Kindle!

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL

REPRINTING THESE BLOGS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.

To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.

Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com

For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Air Rage - Who Gave Permission for Such Bad Behavior?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

CanStock Photo / rogistok

What a disturbing nationwide trend air rage has become! And this latest incident is shocking –– someone didn’t want to follow the rules so she knocked out two teeth of a flight attendant.

A statement from Southwest says she had "repeatedly ignored standard inflight instructions and became verbally and physically abusive upon landing." She is now banned from Southwest flights for life. 

I’m fascinated by rages and over the last couple of decades I’ve written about and been interviewed on many types: air rage and road rage and movie rage and fast food rage and shopping mall rage, and birthday party rage.

 

My blogs about air rage date back to 2010:

Outbursts of Outrage – Where Is This Hateful Anger Coming From?

Does Air Rage Reflect These Outrageous Times?

Outraged, Enraged, Air Raged

 

Also some blogs about various other rages in the news:

https://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/rage/

One of my favorites is  Fear, Anger and Outrage

 

Far too many outbursts have resulted in serious injuries and deaths of innocent bystanders. Yet when I re-read many of the earlier incidents I’m stunned at what seemed outrageous a few years ago seems tame to me now –– when compared to the massive outrageousness of recent behavior.

 

This month, the Federal Aviation Administration warned air travelersthat there has been a spike in disorderly or dangerous behavior aboard passenger planes.

 

According to the FAA: ”In a typical year, the transportation agency sees 100 to 150 formal cases of bad passenger behavior. But since the start of this year, the agency said, the number of reported cases has jumped to 1,300, an even more remarkable number since the number of passengers remains below pre-pandemic levels.”

However when the passengers who refuse to comply with the federal mask mandate are added in, the figure reaches 2,500!  

 

The San Diego Union-Tribune observes: 

“Bad behavior on commercial flights is not a new phenomenon.

But now it has become a national concern.

Unruly and sometimes violent passengers have become more frequent, disrupting flights and injuring airline employees, according to the Federal Aviation Administration, longtime flight attendants and pilots.

That coincides with a pandemic-heightened contentious and politically divided society, where some people don’t merely question rules intended to safeguard themselves and the public at large, but believe they have the right to simply ignore them. 

The sense of entitlement is hard to miss. 

Many of the disputes erupt over requirements to wear masks in an effort to limit the spread of COVID-19 — whether on an airliner, in a restaurant or at a coffee shop.

Often bearing the brunt of customer anger over the rules are flight attendants, restaurant servers, store clerks and other front-line service industry employees who already are at greater risk of becoming infected by the coronavirus than other workers. 

Being abusive to people who a) didn’t make the rules and b) are trying to help get you what you came for or where you’re going is beyond unfair.

Then there’s the selfish disregard for potentially endangering the health of people nearby, never mind ruining their flight or meal, by being a jerk.

It’s hard to quantify these incidents involving masks because they aren’t all reported and there’s nothing to compare them to pre-pandemic. Certainly, amplification through news reports and social media can make them seem common. The reality is, most everyone does the right thing. The vast majority of people who fly on planes and eat at restaurants are game to follow the rules for the service they are getting.

Unfortunately, some aren’t.”

https://www.sandiegouniontribune.com/columnists/story/2021-05-30/column-trouble-in-the-skies-mirrors-obstinance-to-rules-on-the-ground?_amp=true

 

Getting Upset, Overreacting and Lashing Out . . .

 

I’m noticing I’m getting angry easier and lashing out more than usual with the stress of the pandemic and isolation. Colleagues, friends and clients are reporting the same kinds of stressful interactions. I, too, find myself easily irritated. I even yelled at my cat the other day. Well, no, actually I screamed at her.

 

Do you, too, find yourself becoming more reactive than in ‘normal ‘times?

 

Let’s take a look at overreacting. All too often we take something personally and overreact when something hurtful is said to us or we  feel blamed or slighted or personally attacked. We may get defensive when people don't see things our way, we might  see others as “wrong” and “bad” and we might tend to turn the situation into “us” and “them.” 

 

When we take something personally, it is usually because we are overly sensitive to what somebody says or does OR what they neglect to say or do. The bottom line is we feel disrespected in some way.

 

Feeling “dissed” can stir up hurt feelings which may turn into anger and resentment. All too often anger turns into rage. 

 

Rage is an oversized step beyond anger and I see an important distinction: anger is connected to the present, rage is rooted in the past. It bursts forth when a situation in the present triggers profound emotions — early hurts and resentments about a similar type of situation are bubbling under the surface. These experiences of rejection are most likely from childhood: siblings, parents, extended family, peers, teachers or coaches.

 

This is why I call rage “anger with a history.”

 

What Causes These Outbursts?

 

CanStock/ willierossin

Where do these potent emotions come from? What causes these outbursts, these lapses in good judgment? What causes rage to explode into out of control behaviors, even violence? What prompts us to react so desperately?

 

When new perceived rejection hurts pile onto old ones each hurtful remark opens old wounds. Anything in that stockpile can ignite. We get overwhelmed and unable to think straight. We overreact and lose control. 

 

Feeling disrespected includes judgment, criticism, condescension, betrayal, bullying and humiliation –– all are facets of rejection. 

 

When we feel mistreated, unsafe or threatened, we tend to defend ourselves. We restore our pride by attacking back. Or by seeking revenge.

 

Sometimes our rebellion comes from not liking to be ordered to do something – like obeying rules and wearing masks on an airplane.

 

Today’s news is filled with personal and cultural rage that is assaultive and violent. Our elected officials are increasingly at each other’s throats. Someone is an unwitting victim of road rage, air rage, fast food rage and birthday party rage. Sports rage produces melees on basketball courts, playing fields and little league games. A student is taunted by others and brings a gun to school. Someone feels slighted and disrespected and stalks and kills co-workers. 

 

We are at the same time victim and victimizer. 

 

A paragraph in the piece quoted above in the San Diego Union-Tribune describes the power of isomorphism: “Bad behavior on commercial flights….coincides with a pandemic-heightened contentious and politically divided society, where some people don’t merely question rules intended to safeguard themselves and the public at large, but believe they have the right to simply ignore them. The sense of entitlement is hard to miss.”

 

Isomorphism is a term from systems theory –– you may know it by the terms ‘parallel process’ or ‘social contagion.’

 

Isomorphism is where patterns repeat from one setting to another, including attitudes, moral character, values and temperament. I’ve noticed that the culture of each administration lappears to be  influencing  many people as it trickles down from Congress and the White House into our workplaces and personal lives. 

 

Isomorphism is a reflection of one situation by another. We pick up the mood or energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it – often unknowingly. 

 

I frequently hear this pattern described by my workplace consultation clients. The character and values of the leader trickles down to staff.  Sometimes the workforce is highly uncomfortable with it.

More on isomorphism: When Toxic Behavior Trickles Down (from 2017)

 

The experience of losing control and overreacting, and lashing out feels pretty yucky to most of us. The disrespect we are spewing onto others ends up splattering on us as well.

 

Trying to pause the interaction might help. Can you take a deep breath, maybe 4 or 5? Remind yourself you DO have choices – can you name one? What might  that be? Can you say it out loud to yourself?

 

Wouldn’t it be nice instead to start respecting ourselves.

  

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages. Both books are now available on Kindle! To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon: amzn.to/2bEGDqu To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon: amzn.to/2bAHmIL REPRINTING THESE BLOGS You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear. The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple. To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit. Contacting Elayne I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter. Here's how you can reach me: 510-540-6230 www.QueenofRejection.com For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me: Twitter@ElayneSavage LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage Facebook.com/elayne.savage

Predatory Behavior, Bullying, Screaming and Smashing – Oh My

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

           © Can Stock Photo / Zeferli

 

 

The news is overflowing again with accusations of bullying, harassment, traumatizing verbal abuse, predatory sexual behavior and exploitation.

 

 

The press is full of examples of Producer Scott Rudin’s various out-of-control behaviors. The Hollywood Reporter Headline shouts: "Everyone Just Knows He's an Absolute Monster" and the New York Times headline screams “Volatile and Vengeful: How Scott Rudin Wielded Power in Show Business.”

 

 

About volatility: “he is also known within the entertainment world for terrorizing underlings, hurling staplers, cellphones, mugs and other improvised projectiles in moments of rage.”

 

About being callous and vengeful –– sounds like payback for perceived slights. It’s a good guess he is most likely taking something personally and reacting by lashing out.  

 

 

Ex-staffers describe how Rudin routinely screamed at them:

 

“Why are you so stupid?”

“You’re a hopeless idiot.”

“A clown car is running this office.”

“You’re a pathetic loser.”

 

 

Rita Wilson describes how she felt “worthless, unvaluable and replaceable.”

 

 

These are the same phrases I hear from so many of my clients as they describe  traumatizing words they repeatedly heard from family, teachers, mentors, coaches or bosses.

 

 

Bullying is usually a big part of the experience. And accompanying feelings of rejection, betrayal, and loss of security and trust arising from hurtful bullyingcan continue to affect relationships for years to come.

 

 

I know about this firsthand. I can tell that I’m feeling threatened and unsafe when I have a visceral reaction. Bullying and harassing will do it every time. Even teasing, whether obvious or subtle, can feel abusive to me, just like it did in my childhood.

 

 

More Stories of Inappropriate Behavior

 

At the same time as the Rudin reporting, the New Orleans Times-Picayune, the Los Angeles Times and the New York Times was reporting on the sexual assault and rape allegations about Blake Bailey, the author of a recent biography of Phillip Roth. Almost as soon as the book was published this story broke, and it was taken out of print by publisher W.W.Norton.

 

 

Stories began surfacing from several of Bailey’s students about when they were 12 year old eighth graders in the 1990s when he was teaching English at a New Orleans charter school.

 

 

These now-adults are describing how he singled out his “special girls,” making inappropriate comments about their bodies and wondering aloud when they might lose their virginity.

 

 

Some of these same "special girls" are now reporting that he forcibly initiated sex once they became adults and he confided how  he has “wanted” them since they were in eighth grade but waiting until the age of consent which is 17 in Louisiana.

 

 

“Grooming them” is the term being used.

 

 

And notably, all of the women who spoke to the Times-Picayune are reporting they viewed their encounters with Mr. Bailey as fundamentally unbalanced because of their student-teacher relationship.

 

 

Let’s look at the ways these unbalanced power relationships may have caused confusion and long-term problems for these students.

 

 

The Real Problem: Imbalance and Misuse of Power and Authority

 

 

Power relationships can exist in a wide range of industries and venues:  teachers, coaches, bosses, mentors, physicians and other health professionals, social workers, psychotherapists, attorneys, religious and spiritual leaders and cult-like figures.

 

 

Yes, it is this imbalance in relationships that can lead to much confusion when students, patients and clients understandably look to and depend on their ‘helpers’ as all-powerful experts and authorities.

 

 

In their need to see the ‘helper’ as all-powerful, they may find themselves giving up their own power in the presence of the helper. This imbalance can add to their confusion about the relationship.

 

 

It is this imbalance and misuse and abuse of power, authority and control that I’m addressing here.

 

 

There has been way too little written about the long-term effects of this abuse of power and authority.  I have blogged about this a few times in the past and as I write, I’m borrowing freely from previous pieces, including my focus on bullying behavior.

 

 

Abuse of Power Exists Everywhere

 

The problem is more pervasive, more systemic and often more subtle than the more obvious sense of entitlement that exists and drives some people in powerful positions to blur, transgress and breach personal boundaries.

 

 

Seems to me part of the problem is these folks often don't have a clue about what respectful personal space and personal boundaries look like. If you have a blind spot to what boundaries are, how can you respect them? If you don’t even recognize your own bad behavior, how can you choose to change it?

 

 

Some Power Abuses are Low Visibility but High Frequency . . .
 

 

Subtle and overlooked misuses and abuses of power and control exist all around us.

 

 

Abuse of power and authority exists due to some form of status imbalance in both personal and professional relationships. Abuse of power can be obvious or understated, intended or not.

 

 

In my consulting and therapy practice, I hear descriptions of all kinds of disrespectful, dismissive, and discounting interactions. I hear about faulting and blaming and not taking responsibility for actions by making the other person ‘wrong and bad,' a form of gaslighting.

 

 

You can probably guess how often I can hear the hurt and pain when these memories resurface and are described.

 

 

Controlling and sometimes coercive interactions are all around us, yet clients and workshop attendees seem to be surprised when they realize how much power doctors or coaches or teachers or psychotherapists may actually have.

 

 

They begin to see the bigger picture as I describe how students, patients and clients understandably look to their ‘helpers’ as experts and authorities. Yet in their need to see them as ‘all powerful’ they may tend to give up their own power, self-confidence and self-sufficiency.

 

Many years ago when I was a first-year psychology graduate student, I was required to read Power in the Helping Professions by Adolf Guggenbuhl-Craig.

 

 

My dusty, dog-eared copy is 41 years old now. I find myself re-reading and re-thinking these important power and authority discussions.

 

 

Because I’ve been in the ‘helping professions’ for decades as a Child Protective Services social worker  and as a psychotherapist in private practice specializing in rejection, I’m reminded often that power is often bestowed upon me –– especially if I notice ‘the helper’ role creeping in. It’s difficult to shed; after all, it’s been my ‘job-description’ since I was a child!

 

 

The situation with helpers becomes more complex when someone puts them on a pedestal and wraps them in unrealistic expectations. What happens when the 'helper' disappoints and falls off their pedestal?

 

 

As I often say: disappointment often feels like rejection . . . and rejection hurts!

 

 

"It’s about getting away with something....that's exciting"

 

 

I want to recommend a fascinating piece by Mimi Kramer on ‘The Double Life of the “Respectable” Men Who Harass Women.’  I don’t agree with everything she writes, however her personal observations are a good read and I love this paragraph:

 

 

"That, right there — I’d argue — is the impulse behind sexual harassment. It’s about getting away with something. It’s about seeming to be one sort of person.…while really being A Very Bad Boy. That’s exciting for some men. Not the being bad part. The getting-away-with-it part. It isn’t just about power over individuals, the women you victimize. It’s about power over society and the court of public opinion, the thrill of risking everything on one roll of the dice, knowing that it isn’t really all that much of a risk — because nobody will believe her.”

 

 

 

Reliving the Trauma

 

 

As more of these kinds of stories emerge I find myself respecting the courage of those who have come forward. This has been giving many of us permission to tap into our own courage to remember and tell our own stories of inappropriate power plays.

 

 

We all have different ways of processing and different degrees of resilience.

 

These kinds of traumatic experiences are powerful. Even seemingly subtle experiences – can be traumatizing — and might affect each of us in different ways.  Sometimes buried memories begin coming back which often involves reliving the trauma. Sometimes memories and visceral reactions can resurface when there is a new experience of feeling fearful and unsafe. 

 

This is Post traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) or Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) which is associated with repeated trauma.

 

We each have our unique responses, including experiencing long-term repercussions and easily recognizable visceral reactions to inappropriate or abusive personal boundary crossings which affect our feelings of safety and trust.

 

 

We each have absorbed messages from these traumatic experiences –– messages about ourselves, about the safety of our world and whether we can trust the people in it.

 

 

What do you know about your early messages from adults who you looked up to?

How do these experiences and messages affect your relationships now?

 

 

For more info, here are a few links: