TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®
January, 2007
Happy New Year and Welcome to the Holiday Recovery edition of 'Tips
from The Queen of Rejection.'
IN THIS ISSUE
1. Is That All There Is? (After Holiday Edition)
2. The Culprits - Adrenaline Highs and Disappointments
3. Family Get-togethers and Tips
4. Gift-giving Dilemmas and Tips
5. Contacting Elayne
6. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information
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1. Is That All There Is? (After Holiday Edition)
- Handling Expectations and Disappointments
By Elayne Savage, PhD
Realizing how often my unrealistic expectations result in a
downward disappointment spiral was an illuminating moment for me.
Then I made another eye-opening connection: I figured out my
long-time struggle with dreaded rejection is really about my sensitivity
to DISAPPOINTMENTS.
The Holidays offer great practice in dealing with the kind of
disappointments that feel like rejections. Examples are all around us.
When you get disappointed you may give yourself various
explanations: "He doesn't care about me," "She just doesn't
'get' me," "My mother's comment is so mean-spirited," "He should have
guessed what I really wanted." Notice how these are all messages of rejection
and self-rejection.
After-the-Holidays-Let-down
Most of us experience some sort of after-the-Holidays-let-down.
You know how it goes: the blahs creep up and start to take over,
pushing out whatever good feelings that might have existed.
This the time of year I hear lots of disappointment laments from
workshop participants, associates and consulting and therapy clients.
So I set out to understand the source of this yearly let-down. I'm
thinking if we understand it, we can do something about it.
2. THE CULPRITS: ADRENALINE 'HIGHS' AND DISAPPOINTMENTS
The 'Adrenaline High'
I remind myself of the emotional/physiological stress
component - the rush of adrenaline.
There are, of course, the multitude of stressful situations we
are exposed to daily. For example our time/money/relationship/
parenting/work pressures, not to mention the onslaught of
disasters in the news. Now add to this the craziness of preparing
for theHolidays.
To get through it all, our body calls upon stress hormones - adrenaline
and cortisol.
This rush of adrenaline feels good for a while. We're on a "high"
from this over exposure to the stress hormones.
But what happens once the excitement of the Holidays are over? The
stress hormones in our system decrease because they are no longer
needed. The over-exposure to the adrenaline and cortisol causes a
'let-down.' We get the after-Holiday-Blahs.
OK, so aside from the crash after the adrenaline 'high,' let's look
at other reasons for the 'let-down.'
For some of us, after-holiday let-down happens when inflated
anticipations and expectations come crashing down. They end up in
a heap of disappointments and hurt feelings.
And regarding stressors, two of the biggest Holiday stressors
are family get-togethers and gift-giving, both resulting in a heap
of disappointments and hurt feelings if our expectations are
unrealistic.
Here are some snapshots of how it happens, how we react and some tips
for dealing with it.
3. FAMILY GET-TOGETHERS AND TIPS
Even though you know better, each year you might find yourself
engaging in some wishful thinking.
Maybe you were hoping that magically your family gathering will
turn into the picture-perfect settings you've been seeing on TV.
Or you were hoping mom will praise you for your salad-making
talents because really went out of your way this year. Instead,
Mom makes her own salad dressing to put on your salad, "because
yours was never very good."
Or you took special pains to dress up for dinner and Dad
says, "Are you wearing THAT to the table?"
Or you're bursting with pride about your new professional
accomplishments and want to be recognized. Yet family members
are still comparing you to your cousin Tracy.
Any way you slice it, these disappointments feel like a big
dose of rejection. And these feelings can lead to some pretty
tense moments.
The Holiday Hype
You know how early those 'persuasive' ads start appearing. The
purpose, of course, is to get you ready for Great Holiday
Expectations.
By the time Thanksgiving arrives, we're thoroughly
indoctrinated by the ads. We are expecting a picture-perfect
Thanksgiving Dinner with our family.
But it doesn't happen. Somebody does or says something that
ruins it for you. Your Norman Rockwell vision quickly turns
into one of Edvard Munch's Anxiety paintings. 'The Scream'
comes to mind.
Some Holiday 'Worst Nightmare' Scenarios
Charlie's Story
For Charlie, the misery started when Uncle Frank started making
fun of his political views. Like the fish and the
fisherman, Charles bit the bait. Uncle Frank ups the ante and
begins saying hurtful things. Charlie loses it, and raises his
voice to defend his beliefs.
"It became so ugly," remembers Charlie. It felt like I was
kicked in the stomach."
But Charlie is already practicing for the next round. He vows,
"I won't bite the bait next time." I'll try to disengage before
I get upset. If Uncle Frank brings up any of his favorite
hot-button topics - politics or religion or sexual preferences
- I can handle it."
I'll look him directly in the eyes and say, 'Uncle Frank, I can
see you feel strongly about your ideas and I respect that.
However, I do not want to discuss this subject.'"
Allison's Story
Allison's Holiday meal took a disappointing turn when Aunt
Tilly loudly declares, "What! You're actually taking a second
slice of pie? You don't need it." Allison wanted to slide
from her chair and go under the table. "I felt so humiliated
when everyone was looking at me."
"I started sputtering and tried to say something back to her,
but no words came out. That's when Aunt Tilly remarked, 'Oh
come on, Allison. It's not the end of the world. You always
were way too sensitive.'"
Allison, too is practicing for next year. She now realizes
how Aunt Tilly's preoccupation with weight is not even about
Allison. It is most likely about Tilly's extra 10 pounds.
And take a guess at who the 'way too sensitive' one really
is, under that bullying exterior.
If it happens again, Allison won't take Tilly's remarks so
personally. She'll be able to stay centered.
In the meantime, she'll make sure she has a
one-to-one conversation with her Aunt. Allison will be direct
and tell Tess that she'd appreciate it if Tess would not
make weight comments to her from now on.
It's Easy to Feel Like a Little Kid Again
An interesting thing often happens to us at these family
get-togethers. It's easy to feel like a little kid again.
Like magic, we're transported back in time.
When we were small, if someone teased us or acted badly
around us, we had no clue that we had choices. We just had
to stay there and take it.
Keep reminding yourself that you DO have Choices now. You
can excuse yourself, gracefully leave the room and regain
your composure.
This brings us to some tips on some good ways to take care
of yourself. If you start practicing now you'll be an expert
by the time the Holidays roll around.
Tips for Handling the Holidays
Here are a few ways to take TIME-OUTS to collect your
thoughts and your composure. Excusing yourself, slow
breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to help
regain your balance (and your dignity.)
- In the living room, before or after dinner, if someone says
or does something inappropriate, you can excuse yourself to
get a drink of water.
- At the dinner table, you can always say a simple, "Excuse me,
I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close the door, take a
few deep breaths and strategize: "OK, how do I want to handle
this?"
- If you are visiting from out of town consider renting a car.
This lets you BE INDEPENDENT about your transportation. You
even take a day-trip during your stay to escape from the stress
of family if you need to.
When someone's behavior is obnoxious, rather than overreacting
and glaring at them, why not try a different tack?
- Try to find something you can like about that person. For
example, they have a terrific laugh or the color of their shirt
is very nice and looks great with the color of their eyes.
Then concentrate on that redeemable feature.
When the person sees RESPECT in your eyes, they are more likely
to respond positively to you.
As you've probably figured out, these descriptions and tips are
applicable to many life situations - not just the Holidays.
OK, now on to another big source of Holiday disappointment -
gift-giving.
4. GIFT-GIVING DILEMMAS AND TIPS
Truth be told, gifts are a huge source of disappointments,
hurt feelings and misunderstandings. It's so easy to take it
personally if you don't get what you hoped for. And you try
to keep the disappointment from showing on your face.
But wait, you're not done feeling rejected yet. Now you tell
yourself that the gift-giver doesn't care enough about
you. If they did, they'd have known what you had in mind.
Another sure-fire way to get disappointed and take it
personally is when you are the gift-giver. Do you shop and shop
for the 'right' present for someone. Then do you find yourself
waiting with baited breath to see the look on their face
when they open the present you so carefully chose.
Do you try to 'read' their reaction through their expression
and body language? What do you tell yourself?
Or do you shop for the perfect gift for someone, spending more
than you really wanted to, and you receive from them a sale item
at the discount store? What do you tell yourself?
And what about those popular gift cards? The media hype has
been"Gift cards give someone the gift of shopping." Well, true
enough for the folks who love to shop. They just love gift cards
because they get the anticipation of looking for and picking out
the perfectgift for themselves.
Yet for someone else, receiving a gift card feels like a
personal affront. They might even tell themselves that the giver
doesn't care enough about them to shop for them.
In other words, they're taking it personally.
Again, here's a situation where disappointments feel like rejection.
Some of us have never forgotten childhood disappointments and
when any new disappointment comes our way, it brings up some
of those old childhood feelings of disappointment.
Gift-giving TIPS:
- Don't 'hint around.' No one can read your mind. Be direct about
what you want. Surprises are great as long as you can keep from
getting disappointed.
- Know what YOU want. If you don't know, how can you expect
anyone else to try to figure it out.
NEXT MONTH
Actually I'm saving more discussion of gift-giving and tips for the
February issue of 'TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION.'
The reason of course, is that next month brings VALENTINE'S DAY - a day
that brings disappointments galore.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
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To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
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6. Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708
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