TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION™
February, 2007
Welcome to the Valentine's Day edition of 'Tips
from The Queen of Rejection.'™
IN THIS ISSUE
1. Valentine's Day - If You Love Me, You'll Read My Mind
2. 7-Sure-Fire Ways to a Successful Valentine's Day -
Whether You're Attached or Unattached
3. Contacting Elayne
4. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information
Please feel free to forward this newsletter to your friends, family
and business associates who would benefit from these tips.
If you received this newsletter from someone else and would
like to receive your own complimentary subscription, please
sign up at http://www.QueenofRejection.com
1. Valentine's Day - If You Love Me, You'll Read My Mind
By Elayne Savage, PhD
Here comes Valentine's Day - almost guaranteed to be a set-up for
disappointment.
On Valentine’s Day is the value of your relationship tied up in
a gift? Are you dropping hints about what you yearn for? Are you
crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetie will read your
mind?
Are you disappointed once again? Do you take it personally?
Might you even feel rejected?
Especially on Valentine's Day, unstated wishes and unrealistic
expectations are set-ups for disappointment. And we know all
too well how disappointments and misunderstandings can lead to
anger and resentment.
Those resentments are the bane of relationships. And many of
you know, as the months and years go by, the resentment grows.
It takes up so much space in in your relationship. It doesn’t
leave much room for connection and intimacy.
How Did Valentine's Day Get to Be So 'Loaded?'
For many of us it goes back to grade school. I remember how
I used to spend many hours/days/weeks dreaming about getting
a special valentine from that special person who sat one row
over and two rows back. So cute and so clueless that I was
even interested.
I remember how disappointed I was when no Valentine from him
appeared on my desk.
I remember those miserable years in grade school when I felt
so left out of the Valentines Day 'scene'. I used to fantasize
about being one of ones who got the most valentines. I hardly
got any. Well, at least not the nearly as many as the popular
kids got.
The memory of those disappointments is still painful.
I used to pretend I didn't care. But truth be told, I was heart-broken.
Did I feel rejected. I sure did.
Did I take it personally? Well, of course, I told myself that
I didn't rate a valentine. Who was I to even think that cutie
one row over and two rows back would be EVER be interested
in me.
It seemed like each successive Valentine's Day became another
disappointment in an already too-long string of disappointments.
Before long, I was dreading the approach of Valentine's Day. I
hated all the yucky feelings it brought with it.
Protecting Schoolchildren from Valentine's Day Disasters
Maybe it's easier for many kids these days. Many school
districts have rules to try and stop Valentine's Day from
becoming popularity contests. If cards do make their way
into the classrooms there cannot be a 'special 'card to a
'special person.' Often the rule is that cards must be given
to every classmate.
Hopefully when these school children are adults, they won't
have the same expectation of disappointments that so many of
the rest of us have harbored.
Expecting Disappointment
After all those years of Valentines Disappointments, do I
continue to EXPECT to feel some sort of disappointment on
Valentine's Day. You bet.
I began to realize it's more than whether or not I happened
to have a honey that year when Valentine's Day rolled around.
It's really the disappointments, large and small, that put a
damper on the day.
Most of these disappointments come from
unrealistic expectations. The more unrealistic our hopes and
anticipations are, the harder they hit when
they fall to the ground.
Disappointments Feel a Lot Like Rejections
Disappointments feel like rejections. Disappointments
hurt. Disappointments leave a big empty space.
And the awful thing about it - we take these perceived
rejections personally. And this leads to self-rejection.
We become self-blaming, self-critical, self-deprecating.
At least temporarily, our self-respect goes into hiding.
Being a Couple Brings Along Its Own Set of Disappointments
Some folks expect that once they become a couple, they are
forever done with from those disappointing times. Being in a
relationship is no guarantee of a disappointment-free Valentine's Day.
In fact, there are lots of ways we get our hopes up, allow ourselves a
full-fledged expectation, and come away disappointed.
Maybe you are expecting a special card with a special sentiment
and the card says only: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Maybe you are craving your honey will suggest (AND make
reservations for) that new trendy restaurant that you've been
dying to go to. Not a word.
Maybe you have your heart set on that special new book or gift
from your favorite shop. Nope. Doesn't happen.
And then there is that Valentine's Day frenzy in the workplace.
All day the florist is dropping off gorgeous bouquets or
long-stemmed roses to your co-workers. You just know the next
delivery will be for you. No. Doesn't happen. How embarrassing.
Another disappointment.
One man I know tells this story. "I'm afraid to buy my
girlfriend a gift or even a card for Valentine's Day. I get so
anxious that I'll choose the wrong thing, that I just don't
even buy anything. Whoever I'm dating at
the time gets really upset with me. They get disappointed in me
and get really hurt. Then they break up with me."
Another example of how disappointments feel like rejections.
It's hard not to take them personally.
Clearly your subtle hints aren’t working. More obvious hints
aren’t working, either. However, saying what you yearn for
does work. Try this: “Here’s what I’d like most on Valentine's
Day. I’d like a card, some flowers and going out
to dinner with you. I'd like you to make the reservation."
You can make this Valentine’s Day a success by avoiding
misunderstandings and disappointments.
2. 7 sure-fire ways to a Successful Valentine’s Day
If you are part of a couple:
-1 Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetie will
read your mind. Be direct, communicating clearly about what
you yearn for.
-2 Keep your Valentine’s expectations realistic and do-able.
Otherwise, it’s a set-up for disappointment.
-3 Don't let the fear of buying the wrong gift ruin the day.
All too often folks avoid celebrating Valentine's Day for
fear of buying the wrong card or gift.
-4 Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families
with different styles of gift giving. Respect each others
'ways.'
–5 Don’t mistake "not thinking" for "not caring." Your partner’s
way of approaching this day may be different from yours. Remind
your self not not to feel slighted if it’s “not the way you’d
do it.” This goes for gift-giving as well.
–6 Don’t try too hard to be “creative” in YOUR gift giving.
Just be you. On the other hand, Valentine’s Day doesn’t work
very well if it’s an “afterthought.”
–7 AND don’t take it personally. Dwelling takes up way too
much energy and relationship space. Make room for connection
and intimacy.
If you are unattached:
-1 Spend the day loving yourself. You are worth it!
-2 Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to YOUR favorite
flowers.
-3 Treat yourself to that little gift you've been hankering for.
-4 Take yourself to lunch or dinner.
-5 Be grateful for the people you are lucky enough to love
in your little corner of the world.
-6 Be grateful for the people who care about you.
-7 Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in
giving and receiving love, perhaps spreading your light in a
wider arc than your little cornerof the world.
On a Personal Note
As for me, I'm older (much) and wiser (sort of) now. I'm at
long last growing past being stuck inside that perpetually
disappointed schoolgirl.
I'm very grateful for the experience of being in a
wonderfully loving relationship for the last three years.
A relationship that gives me the space to practice saying
what I want. I also get to practice keeping my
expectations realistic. It's like I woke up one day
and realized that I'm no longer expecting disappointment.
Now I expect to be loved and to love back.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where
and when the material will appear.
The attribution should read:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a workplace consultant,
professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author.
To find out more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.
6. Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information
PRIVACY POLICY: Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.