TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION™
July, 2007
IN THIS ISSUE
1. Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships
2. Hot Buttons, Hot Seats, Hot Heads
3. Regarding Respect, Appreciation and Persuasion
4. Tasks and Teamwork
5. The Dance of the Over-functioner and the Under-functioner
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information
1. COZYING TO TEAMWORK - A KEY TO SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS
By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.
Recent headlines certainly caught my attention:
"Key to a Good Marriage? Share Housework"
Some were surprised at the high ranking of 'Shared household
chores' for a successful marriage in the Pew Research Center's
survey. It showed the sharpest rise in importance of all the
identified items (62% in 2007 from 47% in their 1990 survey.)
(Here's the list: faithfulness, a happy sexual relationship,
sharing household chores, adequate income, good housing, shared
religious beliefs, shared tastes and interests, children, and
agreement in politics.)
http://pewresearch.org/pubs/526/marriage-parenthood
It doesn't surprise me to read about this emphasis on sharing
household chores. As a communication coach for 25 years, I've
heard hundreds of resentful couples complain about the inequality
of chores:
"He has to be asked to do every little thing."
"He conveniently forgets to empty the trash (mop the floor,
set the table, clean the bathroom, put down the toilet seat.)"
"She never wipes down the shower."
"She never turns out the lights."
"He thinks he's doing me a big favor to cook dinner, but uses
every pot in the kitchen and leaves them for me to wash!"
Do any of these sound familiar?
Does it sometimes seem intentional or even spiteful?
Do you take it personally?
2. HOT BUTTONS, HOT SEATS, HOT HEADS
Yes, often someone feels disrespected or discounted or disdained
or any of those other 'dis' words I describe in previous
e-letters.
Taking something personally is connected to feeling rejected and
feeling rejected means feeling 'dissed' in some way.
And what do you get? Lots of misunderstandings and hurt feelings
leading to anger and resentment.
Take a quiet, non-emotional moment to look at it. Perhaps you
can acknowledge the other person's action (or non-action) may
not be intentional. Although it seemed like it at the time, their
words or look or tone of voice may not be meant to hurt you
You can even remind yourself, as I write in DON'T TAKE IT
PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION, that
"Not thinking' doesn't mean 'not caring." Sometimes people just
don't think the same way as we do.
No question that household chores are a hot button topic for many
couples. So hot in fact, that discussions heat up, accusations
sizzle, and tempers flare.
So what to do about it?
In my work with couples I discovered an idea that works. Why
not reframe 'sharing household chores' to 'working in the spirit
of teamwork.'
The framework of 'teamwork' puts a different slant on the issue.
In the Spirit of Teamwork
In my work with couples, I encourage them to roll up their
sleeves, put their heads together and come up with some creative
ideas for getting things done. We look at it in the spirit of
teamwork and cooperation.
Then we take a good look at how teamwork can enhance the
relationship.
- What does teamwork mean to each one?
- What does it mean to be 'a good team player'?
- What are their goals? Individual and together?
- What are their expected outcomes?
- What are their challenges?
- How can they work together effectively? What situations work
best? What might get in their way?
- Are they communicating clearly?
We then explore the ways teamwork already exists in their
relationship. Then we look for ways to enhance what is already
there.
We look for a way or two that they are already a good team. Maybe
one helps with the other's business, or is supportive of projects
and endeavors. Maybe they're a great team at planning parties or
meals or trips. Maybe they even travel well together. Or share
parenting decisions or functions.
- Can they identify the areas in which they are already a
good team?
- Can they employ teamwork and/or team building skills learned
in professional areas of their lives?
- Can they take these personal and professional skills and
transfer them to a new area that needs some good teamwork ?
For example, sharing household chores?
In BREATHING ROOM - CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE (New Harbinger)
I suggest three important ingredients for a connected and intimate
relationship:
- Ability to give and accept respect
- Capacity for self-disclosure, including the ability to be
sincere, honest, and authentic, and to show vulnerability
and trust
- Capability for 'teamwork' in the partnership.
Then I provide a definition of teamwork: "Providing support and
satisfactions for each other in mutually fulfilling ways . . . .
This collaboration includes flexibility, willingness to resolve
conflicts, the ability to work and play together, and consideration
of the needs and goals of your partner."
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
Teamwork in personal and professional relationships
Good teamwork skills exist in both personal and professional
relationships:
- recognizing each other's strong points
- valuing and respecting each other
- agreeing to fully participate
- working together cooperatively
- identifying how each person is part of something larger
than him or herself
- understanding how each one fits into the bigger picture
3. REGARDING RESPECT, APPRECIATION AND PERSUASION
RESPECT is a key ingredient here.
By respecting ourselves, we can ask directly for what we need and
want in the way of cooperation from the other person.
By speaking respectfully to the other person, you increase the
chances for successful teamwork.
APPRECIATION is important too.
Sometimes it's the small considerations and kindnesses that our
partner does. These could be meaningful if only we would notice
them and give appreciation. "Thank you" goes a long way toward
developing connection. However, first you have to notice.
Successful teamwork depends on developing
EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
- Listening to each other's ideas and concerns
- Respectful Questioning
- Respectful Persuading when appropriate
- Clear, unambiguous communication
Many of us grew up with confusing and even crazy-making
communication models. Maybe people said one thing and seemed
to mean another. Maybe things just didn't get said, only hinted
at. Maybe we were expected to somehow read someone's mind.
Yes, it is a struggle for many of us to communicate clearly and
directly with another person. It is not easy to say what we mean
and to make sure the other person is hearing and understanding us.
PERSUASION AND NEGOTIATING SKILLS
And when it's time to be persuasive and negotiate agreements,
here are some tips:
- Be direct. Ask for what works best for you. If you don't ask, the
answer is always 'no.'
- Be direct. Turn complaints into clear statements of what you
really yearn for. Under every act of complaining is a yearning
for something to be different. Your job is to know what that
something is.
- Be direct. Don't cross your fingers and hope that the other person
will read your mind. You'll only be disappointed.
Learning to be direct gives you a ticket to success. I believe the
many inquiries I receive about my communication coaching reflect
the optimism out there. Folks seem optimistic that communicating
clearly and directly is do-able with a little coaching and a lot
of practice.
I really believe that folks are aware that good communication is
the foundation of good teamwork.
And good teamwork is the foundation of successful work and
personal relationships. And they'll do what it takes to achieve this
success in their personal and professional lives.
4. TASKS AND TEAMWORK
Now that we've explored teamwork, let's take a look at tasks.
What does sharing household chores mean?
Couples use different styles of doing chores and what works for
one couple may not work for another:
1- Overly defined assignments with no space for flexibility.
2- Occasional chore rotations.
3- No definitions for chores. Someone sees something needs to be
done, and steps in and does it.
4- Chores don't get done.
Let's take a look at how these styles of doing chores can affect
the relationship.
Overly Defined Assignments Leave No Space for Flexibility
Some couples have task assignments, but if one of them is
unhappy about doing certain chores, there is not room for
discussion.
Here's a common complaint: "I agreed to carry out the trash every
day, and I honestly thought it was an OK chore. But now I'm tired
of it, I find I'm forgetting to do it, and my partner gets upset
with me."
Consider this idea from BREATHING ROOM: "Each person
has strong points that they bring to the relationship. For example,
how do couples decide who cooks, or does the dishes, cleans the
toilet bowl, vacuums, or takes out the trash? Some couples decide
who does what chores by stating preferences. For example, 'I like
this one, and I don’t like to do that one.'"
Chore Rotation to the Rescue!
Maybe it's time for a change of task assignment. Occasional
rotation can be a good thing. Does it HAVE to be written in
concrete just because an agreement was once made? A little
flexibility might save your relationship from unnecessary
stresses.
Can you allow space for your partner to say, "I don't want
to do this chore for a while (or ever)?
Can you communicate your own distaste for a certain chore
to your partner?
Lack of Definition Makes It Very Hit or Miss
Some couples don't have assigned chores. One or the other
steps in and does what has to be done. But it often feels
uneven and unfair. It's a fertile place for resentment
to grow. And grow.
5. THE DANCE OF THE OVER-FUNCTIONER AND THE UNDER-FUNCTIONER
Resentment especially grows when one person is an
over-functioner and the other is an under-functioner.
Couples often borrow, lend, or trade the ability to
function within the relationship.
Again from BREATHING ROOM: "In order to feel needed and
more useful, the overadequate partner may need the partner
to feel less than competent. This desire is frequently
related to a need to control things, to feel effective
adequate and worthwhile.
"It’s most likely similar to the old childhood job
description: “the responsible one,” or “the capable one,”
or the “good boy or girl.” Did you grow up being the one
everyone depended on? Did you prop people up? Were you sure
things would fall apart if you didn’t take charge . . . ."
This 'caretaker' identity that you created for yourself gave
you self-worth. If you don't hold on to it, would you feel
lost without it?
Or maybe you were the one on the inadequate end. Maybe your
childhood identity card is stamped: inept, incapacitated,
incapable, inconsequential, incompetent, ineffective, inadequate,
invalidated, invisible, or inferior. Some of us carry quite a
few of these imprints.
Perhaps instead of independence, you acquired a kind of learned
helplessness. You did, however learn to under-function. If no one
expects you to remember things or to take care of business, you
probably won’t.
It's quite amazing how couples seem to find each other. The one
who needs to take over seems to find someone who needs to
have someone take over.
This is an example of 'borrowed' functioning. Both the
over-functioner and the under-functioner feel resentful. The
over-functioner feels resentful because he or she feels way
too depended on. The under-functioner resents feeling so
dependent.
By the way, many of the above circumstances and tips apply to
teamwork in both work and personal situations.
For more on Workplace Teamwork tips see Craig Harrison's
www.Expressions of Excellence.com article: http://tinyurl.com/ysyn6v
Why not experiment with relationship success? Try bringing some
teamwork into both your personal and professional life.
© 2007 Elayne Savage, Ph.D.
Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.
6. Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information
PRIVACY POLICY: Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.