TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®
September 20, 2007
Welcome to the 11th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM)
IN THIS ISSUE
1. Self-acceptance, Self-respect and Self-appreciation
2. What's a Mistake or Three?
3. Lessons from The Yellow Submarine
4. Transforming Self-Rejection into Self-Acceptance
5. And on a personal note . . .
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information
1. SELF-ACCEPTANCE, SELF-RESPECT AND SELF-APPRECIATION
By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.
I'm so proud of my accomplishment. I just assembled four IKEA
storage units. By myself.
And I didn't listen one bit to the nay-sayers:
"You won't be able to do it without help."
"No way. It's too difficult."
"The directions are so confusing. Only drawings, no words."
"You'll get frustrated and give up before it's done."
My response was to stubbornly insist I can do this! For a change I
didn't buy into those old messages that would have paralyzed me in
the past:
"Who do you to think you are?"
"What makes you think you can do this?"
I just knew I could do the assembly. How? I remembered another time
when everyone warned me I wouldn't be able to do something.
I was eleven years old. Uncle Max gave me a headlamp for my bicycle.
I was so excited when I open the package. Then disappointment took
over when I saw the zillion parts lying in that box.
My dad promised he'd assemble it for me. Days turned into weeks.
I kept asking "When?" He kept saying, "Soon."
Soon never happened. Each month that went by was another
disappointment. I gave up on my dad.
However, I didn't give up on finding a way to get that headlight
mounted on my handlebars.
I did find a way. Me. I would put it together myself. Yes, it
was hard to understand the directions. Yes it was complicated.
Yes, I struggled with it. Yes I made some mistakes. Lots of
mistakes.
Eventually I got that headlamp up and working! And then, of
course no one would believe I did it myself. "No way," they'd say.
"It's too difficult for an eleven year old girl to do."
My success with that headlamp let me take on the IKEA challenge.
I was able to tap into that childhood success and to trust it.
Especially when people were warning me not to even try to build
the IKEA units. I just knew I could put the storage pieces
together the same way I put the headlamp together. And I did.
2. WHAT'S A MISTAKE OR THREE?
I did make some mistakes. More than once I had to disassemble
my work and reassemble it. I just kept telling myself how
grateful I am that there are two units of each design. One on
which to make mistakes. That way by the time I got to the
second unit, I learned from my mistakes. Well, truth be told,
I'm a slow learner and once or twice I repeated my earlier
mistakes. However, it did take me far less time to rectify
them!
And true to my style, I was making the job more difficult
than it needed to be. My battery powered screwdriver refused
to recharge. I decided to just go with my collection of old
manual screwdrivers. Trouble is, my Phillips screwdriver was
all worn out and I was stripping the screws.
So I used a standard screwdriver, but the size was was not
quite right. I got the job done, but worked at it much harder
at it then I needed to.
I have to say I did love the challenge of it. I did love
taking on this new adventure.
I especially loved the feeling of exhilaration when I put on
that last door. And I actually got it to hang right. (Nobody
told me that getting the doors attached was only 1/2 the job.
The doors also have to evenly meet and close tightly.)
I bought some great polished brass wire handles. I figured out
how to measure where to put the screw holes.
But frankly, the thought of using an electric drill to make
the holes for the handless was scary. Luckily my long-distance
boyfriend was in town and could help out. Burt to the rescue!
He made the work look so easy. He even bought me the right
size screw drivers which sure made the last stage of the
job go a lot easier. I'm sure grateful to and for Burt.
I'm grateful I was able to tap into a long ago memory of an
ability to put things together.
I'm grateful to be able to recognize my eleven-year-old
competence.
I'm grateful to call up the ability to trust myself enough
to attempt this project.
I'm grateful that I could allow my self to make mistakes
and not judge myself harshly.
I'm grateful that I can let myself be proud of my
accomplishment.
I'm grateful for the chance to experience self-acceptance,
self-respect and self-appreciation.
It's an amazing experience to rediscover a strength or
ability from years past.
Especially when it's one we forgot we have. And one that
can be transformed into something useful in the present
and future.
3. LESSONS FROM THE YELLOW SUBMARINE
Another way of transforming abilities, is to practice
borrowing from one compartment within yourself and
transferring it to another. Here are some highlights
I presented in 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of
Dealing with Rejection' on the power of transforming:
Can you visualize a hallway with rooms on either side?
Do you remember the scene in The Yellow Submarine
cartoon movie? Remember how the Beatles characters
were running back and forth across the hall from room
to room?
Imagine that a room contains skills you developed in
childhood and adolescence.
Think of this room as a storage area, with every possible
type of storage container. You'll find closets, shelves,
bins, boxes, and chests of drawers. Perhaps even file
cabinets.
Can you imagine yourself rummaging through these early
strengths that have been tucked away? Can you imagine
selecting one or two. You can take your time as you
let the process of choosing, sorting, selecting unfold.
Then gather up this new energy you have found. Carry it
across the hall to another room, another compartment,
another part of yourself. Take it to a place where you
have the space to appreciate your skills in a new way.
Consider ways you can recognize skills that exist in
one area of your life and transfer them to another area.
In this new space you have created, you might find this
new energy begins to transform into something even more
precious and useful.
4. TRANSFORMING SELF-REJECTION INTO SELF-ACCEPTANCE
However, for some of us, recognizing and appreciating our
abilities is not always easy. Some of us somehow missed
out on the essential building blocks of childhood — things
like self-esteem, self-assurance, or social skills.
Sometimes it seems that we only have stumbling blocks
instead of building blocks.
I can also recall some experiences earlier than the
headlamp adventure. I can
recall having real-life building blocks as a young child:
my erector set. Perhaps some of you had building blocks
as well. Maybe wooden alphabet blocks, or Lincoln Logs
or Legos. Did you have a favorite? What was it? Can you
picture the pieces now?
"Visualize taking them down from the shelf and spreading
them around you on a table or the floor. Can you imagine
what they felt like in your hands? How did you put them
together? What was your step-by-step process of building?
How did you select which pieces to use? What did you build?
Did you make windows or doors? If so, how did you frame
them? Did you cover your structure with a roof or did you
leave it open to the air? Did you save the finished structure
or put the parts away for another time?
What can you learn from recalling your building process? Can
you transfer these skills over to how you approach tasks and
problems today? Instead of undermining, you can practice
bolstering, reinforcing, fortifying, buttressing, bracing,
or shoring up your resources.
In fact, you can be your own personal foundation architect."
(From 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with
Rejection.')
For me, the most wondrous transformation of all is the process
of transforming self-rejection into self-acceptance. Successfully
putting together those IKEA storage units was
an important step for me along the road of self-acceptance,
self-respect and self-appreciation.
5. AND ON A PERSONAL NOTE . . .
I'm waiting for the arrival of my first grand child.Jocelyn and Chris
are having a baby girl by C-section today, September 20, 2007.
© 2007 Elayne Savage, Ph.D.
'Til next time,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.
6. Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information
PRIVACY POLICY: Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.