TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®
November, 2007
Welcome to the 13th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM)
IN THIS ISSUE
1. Thanksgiving Gatherings - Giving Gratitude or 'Attitude'
2, Pass The Rejection, Please
3. Talking To The Turkeys At The Table
4. Excuse Me . . ."
5. Opt-In To Time-Outs
6. This Feeling Is Too Hot To Handle
7. Thanks for the Opportunity
8. Contacting Elayne
9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information
1. THANKSGIVING GATHERINGS - GRATITUDE OR 'ATTITUDE'
By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.
And here comes Thanksgiving. For some it's a holiday of conflicting feelings — clashing and banging against each other.
There may be a part of you that looks forward to this holiday. After all,
Thanksgiving offers an invitation to show gratitude and appreciation
for the amazing people and experiences in your life. And, too, this
holiday gives permission to appreciate YOU — for who you are and
what you have become. And perhaps for what you have overcome.
Thanksgiving provides us with the venue to be appreciative.
However, there may also be a part of you that has some uneasiness
with this holiday. The part of you that stresses about planning or
preparing or serving. The part of you that dreads dealing with the
'attitudes' of annoying or disgusting relatives.
2. PASS THE REJECTION, PLEASE
Holiday get-togethers can lead to tense moments, especially in
these stressful times.
By the time Thanksgiving arrives, we're thoroughly indoctrinated
by the commercials. We even begin to believe those ads. We begin
dreaming of a Norman Rockwell kind of Thanksgiving family
gathering.
Each year you find yourself crossing your fingers and hoping it's
going to be different from past experiences.
Are you disappointed yet again?
Does someone say or do something that ruins everything for you?
Before your eyes, the scene turns into Theatre of the Absurd.
One minute the family is getting along like a Rockwell painting and
the next minute they’re at each other’s throats, because someone
said or did the "wrong" thing. Some one copped an 'attitude,' or was
too judgmental, or critical or dismissive or condescending. And
someone takes something personally.
Any way you slice it, these disappointments feel like a big dose of
rejection.
3. TALKING TO THE TURKEYS AT THE TABLE
How can you make sure your holiday gatherings don't end up in
battles, choosing sides, and hurt feelings?
Here are some tips for getting through the Holidays:
* Mom is doing her Queen of the Kitchen number. She insists on
using her salad dressing even though you made a perfectly lovely
one. It's almost comical.
- Why not appreciate the HUMOR in the situation, and laugh it off.
- Remind yourself, "Mom's being her Mom-self."
Mom's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.
* Uncle Alex is baiting you again with his political rants. He pulls
you in every time. You're embarrassed to find yourself raising your
voice to make your point.
- Don't bite the bait. Avoid the fish and the fisherman routine.
- Be direct. Say "'Uncle Alex, I can see you feel strongly about
your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss
this subject.'"
Uncle Alex's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.
* Aunt Sally's unrelenting teasing makes you uncomfortable and
self-conscious. She's done this ever since you can remember. She
sees your discomfort and goes full steam ahead. "You always were too
sensitive," she bellows. You want to crawl under the table and
disappear.
- This is a good time for a deep breath. Maybe several. Breathing
slowly ten times will usually help to take the charge off of the
situation.
- By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.
- And if you make an effort to thank Aunt Sally when she shows even
the slightest interest in you, it reinforces the positive behavior.
Maybe she'll even have something nice to say to you again sometime.
Aunt Sally's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.
* Dad is drinking too much again. He’s making comments loudly under
his breath about your weight. It's so humiliating. What do you do?
- Remember you have CHOICES now. When Dad teased you when you were
small, you didn't know how to consider choices.
- Now you can remind yourself you don’t have to stay there and take it. You can
leave the room gracefully go into the kitchen and get a glass of water
while you regain your composure.
- Having a talk with him about it in a sober moment will be more
effective than trying to talk to him at the table.
Dad's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.
4. "EXCUSE ME . . ."
Let's look at some effective ways of taking care of yourself.
- Excuse yourself in the living room: Before dinner, if someone
acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen
and get a drink of water or replenish the appetizer tray.
- Excuse yourself in the dinner table, you can always say a
simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close
the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I
want to handle this? What is my plan of action here?”
- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can LIKE
OR APPRECIATE about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of
shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate
that feature. When a person sees RESPECT in your eyes, he or she
is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.
5. OPT-IN TO TIME-OUTS
Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to
regain your composure. These are all examples of taking TIME-OUTS.
Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives.
Consider renting a car. This “time-out” lets you BE INDEPENDENT
about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay
if you need to escape from the stress of family. You can also take
long walks or visit old friends or old haunts.
The bottom line is: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!
Remember: actions that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not
about you. People project their own uncomfortable characteristics
onto you. Often these are blind spots and they're not aware of
doing it.
For example, let's go back to the dinner table and Aunt Sally.
When she sees how embarrassed you are by her teasing and says,
"You always were too sensitive," she's most likely talking about
herself.
In fact, Mom later recalls, "When we were growing up, Sally
always took things personally!"
6. THIS FEELING IS TOO HOT TO HANDLE
Sometimes a thought or feeling is too hot to handle. Because
it causes discomfort or anxiety we might fling it toward
another person. This projection onto others is usually not
part of our awareness.
In BREATHING ROOM (New Harbinger) I describe projection:
"Projection is when you mistakenly imagine certain traits
exist in the other person when you cannot acknowledge them
in yourself. This is because they are emotionally unacceptable.
In other words, features that you attribute to (others) are
actually disowned parts of yourself.
It’s like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space —
for safekeeping.
People deal with all kinds of unacknowledged feelings including
anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness,
vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency."
Projection also involves confusion about personal boundaries. I
describe how this works in BREATHING ROOM:
"When you get right down to it, confusion about personal
boundaries causes big problems in relationships. Having good
personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our
personal space is unique and separate from the personal space
of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person
begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."
And because many of you have made the request, there will be
more about Personal Boundaries and Projection in future e-letters.
By the way, there's a terrific new book on how to harness the power of gratitude: 'FOCUS ON THE GOOD STUFF - The Power of Appreciation' by Mike Robbins.
7. THANKS FOR THE OPPORTUNITY
Thanksgiving offers a unique opportunity. Consider how on this one
day a year it's perfectly OK to tell people we appreciate
them. For many of us, acknowledging appreciation isn't easy.
Sometimes it helps to have a reason. Thanks, Thanksgiving
for providing a reason.
Happy Thanksgiving.
© 2007 Elayne Savage, Ph.D.
Until next time,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bEGDqu
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
amzn.to/2bAHmIL
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Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
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6. Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708
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