TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION ®
May 2008
IN THIS ISSUE
1. Relationship Lessons from Yosemite
2. Magnetized by the energy of the granite
3. Durable yet vulnerable
4. Ingredients for solid relationships
5. Seemingly Solid Yet Fragile
6. Knock, Knock. I Can't Get Through Your Wall
7. Creating Sacred Space
8. An Experience in Contrast
9. The 'Take Away'
10. Contacting Elayne
11. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information
Relationship Lessons from Yosemite
By Elayne Savage, PhD
We just spent five magical and transcendent days in Yosemite.
The first word that comes to mind is 'other-worldly.' What a
spectacular and awesome experience.
Yosemite offers an amazing combination of ruggedness and serenity.
I'm in another dimension of consciousness as I take in vistas of
soaring granite walls, springtime cascading waterfalls, gushing
streams, lush forests, and serene meadows.
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I have to catch my breath at the wonderment of it all.
Magnetized by the Energy of the Granite
I find myself becoming magnetized by the granite and it's
soothing, nurturing, restorative, caressing energy.
I experience a powerful exchange of energy with the granite.
And it reminds me of the powerful exchanges of energy possible
in personal relationships.
So using Yosemite as a backdrop and metaphor for relationships,
let's take a look at some examples.
Durable yet vulnerable
No wonder there is a sense of timelessness about the cliffs.
Conditions for their formation began millions of years ago. And
they have existed in their present state for thousands of years.
Some of the cliffs rise 3000 to 4000 feet from the valley floor,
which itself is 4000 feet above sea level.
Timeless. Eternal. A solid foundation, rooted deeply in the earth.
The waterfalls are a different story. They renew each springtime
as the melting snow cascades over the granite. By late summer
and autumn as the snowpack dwindles, the falls become a barely
discernable trickle. In the spring, they flow anew. The rivers and
streams gush with renewed energy.
Renewable. Replenishing. Refreshing.
Ingredients for Solid Relationships
And so it is with relationships. Relationships can be as durable as
the granite cliffs. Especially with a little help from regular
renewing and refreshing some important ingredients (From
'Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple':
- giving and accepting respect
- the ability to trust
- allowing sincerity, honesty, authenticity and vulnerability
- the capacity for teamwork –– working and playing together.
All of this woven together by open and direct
communication.
Seemingly Solid Yet Fragile
Those majestic granite walls seem so solid. So timeless. So eternal.
And yet . . . There are signs of fragility and vulnerability here.
Geologists tell us the unusual rock formations were created by
fractures within the rock. Many of these arise from increasing
and decreasing pressure
You'll see another sign of fragility as well. Notice the boulders,
rocks and stones. This is the 'talus', the debris from rockslides
and rock avalanches below the cliffs. The most recent rockslide
was in 1996 when 60-80,000 tons, crashed 1800 feet into the valley.
Yes, these natural processes continue to shape Yosemite Valley.
'Rock slides' shape our relationships as well. But it's not all
bad.This can take a positive course if we use them as
stepping-stones to bolster and strengthen our relationships.
Knock, Knock. I Can't Get Through Your Wall
Looking up at these granite walls surrounding Yosemite Valley, I
can't help but think of walls we build in our relationships. The walls
we build when we don't feel safe and secure. The walls I know
I'm very good at building when I need to protect myself.
My personal wall is built of brick.
There used to be turrets on top. No light could get through.
It was a dark and lonely place. I grew up. I learned to feel
a little safer. And sunlight began to filter through.
I noticed the wall was beginning to lower. Brick by brick.
Even now, when I feel threatened I tend to protect myself once
again. The threat usually comes from a look or tone of voice. It's
when I feel disrespected in some way. Perhaps invalidated,
patronized, condescended to, or dismissed. And guess what?
I can feel the wall growing back again. Brick by brick.
But it never gets as high as in the old days. Just high enough for
me to feel safe enough.
Trouble is, walls create barriers and keep us from connecting to
the other person.
Did you build a wall, too? Do you remember what it was made of?
Is it still with you at times? When does it come back?
Creating Sacred Space
I gaze in wonderment at the secluded mountain meadows framed
by the towering granite mountains and the forests. To me the
meadows are a place to breathe, a respite. To me the meadows
symbolize sacred space.
An Experience in Contrasts
One day we drove to the High Country even though we knew
part of Tioga Road may be closed. It often is this time of year
because of the snow.
What an experience in contrasts! On this wonderfully warm and
sunny day, we found ourselves driving through snow banks!
We trudged through snow to sit on the bank of a small lake and
eat lunch in the warm sun. It was tempting to have a snowball
fight or build a snowman (or woman.)
Again I was reminded of how sights and experiences in Yosemite
can be a metaphor about relationships.
The contrasts between the warmth of the day and the coldness
of the snow reminded me of how relationships blow hot and cold.
Sometimes this happens when that protective wall comes up.
Sometimes it's because of a "go away a little closer" message:
We have a need for closeness, yet a fear of it. So we might give
out conflicting (and confusing) messages.
There are also the quite wonderful contrasts in relationships that
can add so much. If we let them.
These are differences in style which, when accepted and
respected, can enhance the relationship considerably. If we let them.
First we must make the choice to embrace differences rather then
consider them a threat. Remember threats? And how easy it is
for that wall to go up.
The 'Take Away'
Of all the many relationship metaphors I noticed in Yosemite,
here is the primary one I carried away:
Just as the waterfalls renew each year and flow into the heart of
Yosemite Valley, relationships, too, can be refreshed and renewed.
And there's nothing quite like the energy that flows from heart to
heart.
'Til next month,
Elayne
© 2008 Elayne Savage, PhD
Any ideas?
I welcome your ideas on how to expand this piece of writing about
ways we can reflect upon the relationship metaphors nature provides
to us.
Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
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To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:
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10. Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708