TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®
August, 2008
IN THIS ISSUE
1. "Well, Bully, Bully for You" - In Politics, The Workplace,
With Peers
2. Facing off with the Blackberries
3. 'Bullying Takes Twisted Turn for the Worse'
4. Memories of 'The Original Humiliation'
5. The 'Code of the Streets'
6. Bully-Busting Tips
7. Contacting Elayne
8. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information
"Well, Bully, Bully for You" - In Politics, The Workplace, With Peers
By Elayne Savage, PhD
OK, so this August e-letter is just under the wire. They don't
call me 'under-the-wire-Elayne' for nothing. No excuses though.
Nor am I going to give myself a hard time about it. That would
be self-bullying. That's not good. I choose, instead, to be
compassionate. With myself.
I guess I have bullying on my mind these days. I know I just
wrote about workplace bullying last month.
Everywhere I turn I hear bully stories. I hear the stories from my
coaching, consultation and psychotherapy clients. I hear the
stories from workshop participants when I present a program.
Bullying stories are all around me in surround sound. Work
related, school-based, Internet-aided.
On top of all this, there are the amplified attacks on the
political campaign trail. Bully behavior.
Each time I hear a new story or read about the latest political
barb, it reminds me how devastating a bullying experience can be.
How deeply it penetrates. How powerful an effect it can have for
years to come. Even one bad experience. Especially in childhood.
You've probably guessed I was one of those bullied children.
Facing off with the Blackberries
Something happened the other day which brought me face to face
with the memory of those old hurts. I had a surreal encounter
with a blackberry bush in my back yard. I was stretching for that
just out of reach cluster of ripe berries. And stretching. Deeper
and deeper into the thicket.
Before I knew it, the brambles wrapped around me. Tighter and
tighter. The thorns tore my skin. It was pretty scary. The
tendrils took on a life of their own.
I was in their clutches and couldn't escape. "How can this be
happening to me?"
I felt 'caught' and helpless. Not too different from that
powerless feeling of getting bullied. I wasn't taking very good
care of myself to get into this situation. Much like the times I
got bullied as a child. I walked right into it.
I managed to extricate myself but not without causing lots of
damage.
Yes, I understand bullying. I'm often interviewed about how
bullying is a form of rejection, how easy it is to take it
personally and how it affects self-esteem.
'Bullying Takes Twisted Turn for the Worse'
Recently I was interviewed by Regan McMahon for a really
informative piece on childhood bullying. It appeared on the front
page of the Sunday SF Chronicle on 8/17/08.
It's well worth reading and has great resources. Here's the link:
http://tinyurl.com/665ru4
Memories of 'The Original Humiliation'
With each bully story I hear, with each interview I give, I am
transported back to 'The Original Humiliation.' It was that awful
incident on the Langdon School playground in Washington, D.C.
when I was mortified in front of everyone on the playground.
I was 5 years old.
I describe this experience in my first book DON'T TAKE IT
PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
"One day as I walked into school, onto the playground, the cutest boy in class came bounding up to me. He asked if he could walk me across the playground. (Me?) I was so excited--all the girls would
see me walking with him.
Then as we walked together, he asked if he could hold my hand.
(Hold my hand?) He chose me to walk with, he chose me to talk to,
he chose me to hold hands with. I was in heaven. Then suddenly I
felt a terrible sharp pain in my thumb, and he ran off.
I looked down at my thumbnail. It was bloody. He'd dug his
fingernail into my cuticle. It only took a split second for me
to go from feeling special to feeling humiliated. And besides
that, it really hurt.
It's said that we develop an image of who we are by the way we're
treated by others. If others treat us with respect, we feel
cherished and come to think of ourselves as loveable. If we're
treated with scorn, we feel reviled, and come to think of
ourselves as unlovable. When peer relationships are destructive,
scars form--that are not easily healed.
As you may have guessed, the memory of the playground incident
didn't just evaporate. It affected my ability to trust others
for many years to come.
For the longest time I kept wondering why that boy didn't like
me, what I might have done to cause him to do that to me. I'll
bet that boy had no idea he'd have such a profound influence on
my future social development."
The 'Code of the Streets'
We learn the rules of behavior on our neighborhood streets.
Respect is the essence of this "code of the streets."
Who doesn't yearn to be accorded esteem?
You learn the hard way that you're nothing without respect and
you do what it takes to get it. On some streets this means
showing off by being the brightest, most clever or most cunning.
On other streets this means developing a talent for "dissing"
others by tough talk, bullying or aggressive behaviors. You
learn the importance of "saving face."
Growing up in DC, I was confused by how the 'lines in the sand'
got drawn in my neighborhood. One morning I'd be playing with
the girl next door. That afternoon her older brother would
threaten to beat me up.
Later the parents would lean over the row house railing and
spit on my front porch. . Did I take it personally? You bet I
did. What a bewildering and rejecting growing up experience for
a child. Bully behavior.
These were tough lessons, but I did learn from them well enough
to share my lessons with you.
Bully-Busting Tips
Here, again, are my tips for handling bullies (from the 'Don Imus
the Schoolyard Bully' e-letter:
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/04/index.html
10 TIPS FOR BULLY-BUSTING
If you find yourself on the receiving end of bullying, remind
yourself:
- The bully is most likely not feeling very good about him
or herself. In fact, he or she is probably feeling
insecure, anxious, hurting, ineffectual, or vulnerable.
Maybe all of the above.
- When the bully inflates him or herself, this takes up a
lot of space. Your space. Stand your ground and keep your
space so you won't so easily deflate and feel diminished.
- The best defense against a bully is taking action - any kind
of action.
- FIRMLY tell the person that his or her behavior is not
acceptable. Ask them to stop immediately.
- Try to separate the "then" from the "now." Remember if you
find yourself overreacting, early rejection messages might
be involved here.
- Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Remind yourself
that teasing is bullying and bullies are feeling neither
good about themselves nor powerful in that moment. When
they bully, they are only puffing themselves up to feel
more powerful.
- Practice speaking up about your feelings instead of
harboring hurt and resentment. For example, "I heard you
say "________________."
When you said that it felt like
you were teasing. Even if you didn't intend it, I found
myself getting confused and upset. I hope our future
exchanges can be free of that."
- Take a deep breath and set your personal boundaries. Then
state your position clearly.
- You can allow them space to vent and express
frustration. However, you do not have to let them become
abusive. If they do, you can firmly remind them that their
behavior is not acceptable.
- And remember, the best way to get someone to give YOU
respect is to show respect to them. Think about something
you can appreciate about the other person. It can be
something inconsequential. Maybe their choice of colors,
their laugh, their eyes. Then concentrate on the something.
They'll see respect in your eyes and just maybe it'll come
right back at ya.
You can read more on bullying and how to handle it from my
March 2008 e-letter: 'Take Those Miserable Middle School
Memories . . . Please'
http://tinyurl.com/639zgq
The long-term effects of bullying are evident by the many of
Internet responses to the SF Chronicle Bullying article. And by
the emails I received. Lots of folks described how the article
reawakened memories of earlier experiences - often from
childhood. Memories that replay again and again in their adult
lives. Mostly affecting trust.
© 2008 Elayne Savage, PhD
You don't have to keep re-living painful memories.
Especially when they might be interfering with present day
professional or personal relationships.
Contact me to see if a consultation could be helpful to you.
'Til next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bEGDqu
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2ducIm3
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Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions
for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705
Privacy Notice and Subscription Information
PRIVACY POLICY: Your name and email address are confidential. I
will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Elayne Savage