Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®
September, 2008
IN THIS ISSUE
1. On a Fast Moving Merry-Go-Round —
Taking the 2008 Election Campaign Personally
2. Using My Trusty Through-the-Rejection-Lens
3. A Trainload of Personal Attacks
4. And Then There's the Lying
5. Bullying Someone into Action
6. Threats and Fear
7. The Scariness of Unpredictability
8. Evasiveness, Deflections and Distractions
9. "You Can Fool Some of the People Some of the Time . . ."
10. The Trickle-Down effect
11. "What's Going to Happen to Me?"
12 . Contacting Elayne
13 . Privacy Notice and Subscription Information
On a Fast Moving Merry-Go-Round —
Taking the 2008 Election Campaign Personally
By Elayne Savage, PhD
It makes my head swim. There's a creepy rejection and deception energy swirling around as we lurch through this election campaign. It has an unsettling effect on me. I feel confused. Uneasy. Queasy. Scared.
Moreover, I'm realizing I seem to be absorbing this negativity. and it is polluting my work and personal relationships.
I'm hearing similar musings from my coaching and psychotherapy clients, friends and colleagues. They talk about being uncomfortable, "off kilter," "filled with dread." I hear phrases like: "it's crazy-making," and "it feels like a kick in the gut." They talk about how snippy and snarly they have been with other people at home, in the workplace, in the marketplace.
Me too. I seem to be edgy, taking things personally. Losing my cool.
Then I got it. It's the Political Campaign. We're reacting to and reflecting the outrageous behaviors and misbehaviors. Picking up the energy of what's going on with others, and imitating it.
I began thinking this through, looking for the causes of these uncomfortable behaviors folks are describing.
Writing about it helps. Why not share my thoughts and feelings with you. so I include here a bit of an overview of some ideas I've been thinking about.
This e-letter is not meant to be a political statement. My descriptions are my impressions of some behaviors that appear to exist and how they affect us.
I'm thinking that giving language and form to some of the feelings that could be surfacing, may help us get through the election and beyond.
Using My Trusty Through-the-Rejection-Lens
So I took out my trusty through the rejection-lens and studied the creature. Up close and personal. That's the problem of course. There is way too much up close and personal in this campaign. There is an uncomfortable amount of in-your-face onslaught.
In the January 2008 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®, I wrote: "I don’t believe I’ve ever experienced political campaigning where there have been so many personal attacks. The ante gets upped and the bitterness grows each day.
I continued: "It would be difficult not to take things personally in this campaign. One personal affront after another is hurled through space. Not exactly 'Ready. Aim. Fire.' More like 'Ready. Fire. Aim.'
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2008/01/index.html
When I wrote those words during the primaries, I didn't dream how much the viciousness of the attacks would escalate.
A Trainload of Personal Attacks
I've never seen an election like this one and it's really getting to me. every day I I feel contaminated by the negative energy of it. I hate the way it has been affecting my interactions with others.
Maybe you, too, find yourself reacting the way I do to this bombardment of rejection messages. And every hour of every day the press reports these out of control behaviors.
'Mocking' is the Word du Jour. But last week and the week before there were lots of other rejection words: Belittling, Scoffing, Slighting, Insulting, Faulting, Deceiving. Accusing, Attacking, Criticizing.
Then of course there are the whole range of "diss" words that I often write about: disrespecting, disdaining, dismissing, discounting, disparaging, disenfranchising and the dozens of others.
The common denominator of these words is rejection. And rejection hurts.
I cringe when I hear these stories of people disrespecting each other like this. It makes me sick to my stomach. I grew up on the receiving end of subtle and not-so-subtle rejection messages. From family, teachers and peers. Perhaps you did too.
And Then There's the Lying
I used to hate it when I was lied to as a kid. I guess I've always been overly sensitive to untruths and half-truths. I'd give myself the message that I wasn't worth respecting with the truth.
I was unbelievably sensitive to lying when I was a child. I remember asking my dad about the wall calendar hanging above my grandmother's telephone. It was a picture of a large animal standing in water. I asked him what the animal was. He made up an answer. I guess that was easier for him than saying he didn't know. But it wasn't easier for me.
I never quite forgave my father for that.
This election is so chock-full of lies, half-truths, evasiveness and exaggerations. I even find myself checking things out with FactCheck.org every day.
Bullying Someone into Action
The current crisis of the economy reminds me of another critical message from long ago. Someone would be commanding me to "Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up." In order to please and not get into trouble, some of us felt the need to drop everything and rush to action or into a decision.
My own discomfort rises as I watch congress feel the need to "hurry up." My stomach knots up at the memory.
Threats and Fear
It's not too hard for me to become fearful when something sounds like a threat. I grew up with lots of that. "If you don't behave, I'll leave you in the department store." or "Wait until your father gets home."
As you can imagine, fear-based campaigning has a potent effect on me. It sends shivers up my spine. It messes with my sense of security. And affects how I
interact with others in my life.
The Scariness of Unpredictability
If you ever experienced interacting with an unpredictable family member or boss or friend, you know how it feels to be afraid.
This campaign has surely had its twists and turns and excitement. However sometimes the line gets crossed with a bit too much drama. Frankly, I can do without it. It's a little too reminiscent of my growing up experiences. Sheesh.
Evasiveness, Deflections and Distractions
Another way this election is getting to me concerns the evasions, deflections and distractions. Some of us grew up in families where you ask a question but never get a straight answer. The subject gets changed, the issue gets skirted, and you are left dangling.
My brother Lee and I would joke that our father sometimes talked like he had a mouth full of cotton. Insulating and sound-proofing himself.
I find the attempts at election event postponements quite irritating. And many of my clients say it troubles them as well. Postponements are disappointing. And disappointments feel like rejections. Especially when we have certain expectations and are looking forward to something.
Some of my clients are reminded of growing up in a divorced household. They remember how they'd look forward to a visit from mom or dad. And when it got postponed and didn't materialize, it was devastating. There's that self-rejecting message again: "They don't care enough. I'm not worth it. I'm no good."
"You Can Fool Some of the People Some of the Time . . ."
For me, the most uncomfortable and confusing part of this whole surreal election drama is the repeated denial of present and previous statements and actions.
Denial is becoming so rampant that I'm beginning to doubt my own eyes and ears. It feels like they are telling me I didn't see it or I didn't hear it.
It reminds me of growing up experiences when it felt someone was putting cotton in my ears or pulling the wool over my eyes.
Perhaps some of you grew up with these kinds of denials as well: "That didn't happen. You must have made it up." "I didn't say that." You really didn't have a nightmare, you're imagining it."
Scottish psychiatrist, R.D. Laing calls this 'mystification.' He describes it as a 'manipulative maneuver,' an attempt to "befuddle, cloud, obscure, mask" whatever is going on.
The child's feelings are denied and the child begins to mistrust his or her own perceptions. You might say this inability to distinguish the actual issues can feel confusing, and even 'crazy making.'
Laing's article begins with: "You can fool some of the people some of the time . . . ."
I don't like being fooled. It brings back uncomfortable childhood memories of manipulation and exploitation. Certainly brings up feelings of rejection. And all too often, the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult.
This behavior has been recently referred to as "gaslighting.'
The Trickle-Down Effect
When I'm feeling affected by what the world is throwing at me, it helps a lot to remember the concept of 'isomorphism.' (Similar terms are 'parallel process' and 'social contagion.')
You’ve probably noticed how images in television commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example, a human face will change into a lion’s face or an antelope will transform into a car— right before your eyes.
Well, this is what happens with some interactions as well. One process takes on the same properties as another. One contextual experience that may be old may be replicated by another experience in the present. Or two present-day situations may be similar to each other. It is a mirroring of one situation by another. A reflection of one by the other. We pick up the energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it.
This is “isomorphism,” as we watch the character and temperament of one
candidate trickle down to staff and electorate.
Allen Roland - http://www.AllenRoland.com - calls this Rivero's Rule of mass morals. Where "organizations inherit the personality and moral ethics of the person at the very top."
"What's Going to Happen to Me?"
The way I look at it, here is the bottom line for many of us. The experience of this campaign is similar to that of a child when parents are arguing, hurling insults, hurting each other. And in the child's mind, the family is falling apart right before their eyes. This is a very devastating time this can be.
And the child wonders, "What's going to happen to me?"
© Elayne Savage, PhD
'Til next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bEGDqu598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bAHmIL
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions
for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705
Privacy Notice and Subscription Information
PRIVACY POLICY: Your name and email address are confidential. I
will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Elayne Savage