TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®
Elayne Savage, PhD
June, 2009
IN THIS ISSUE
1. One Step Forward, Two Steps Back - Revisiting Shame
2. Shame, Shame Double Name
3. A Teaching Moment
4. It's Only Embarrassment, Not Shame
5. Markers of How Far You've Come Along the Rejection Road
6. Yet Another Teaching Moment
7. Contacting Elayne
8. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information
One Step Forward, Two Steps Back - Revisiting Shame
By Elayne Savage, PhD
Last month I excitedly wrote about the joys of recognizing and welcoming Corrective Emotional Experiences into our lives. A corrective emotional experience is the opportunity to have a positive emotional experience in the present that balances out negative ones from our past.
If you missed it, here's the link:
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2009/05/index.html
I was so proud of myself for opening up to a new experience with the Washington Post. I allowed it to balance an earlier hurtful childhood experience. I was feeling pretty good about my positive attitude.
Then I had a big setback.
It happened in Las Vegas during a performance of Cirque du Soleil's 'Mystere.'
The guy doing the comedy schtick in the audience was engaging some folks sitting near me. I couldn't help myself. I had to have a photo of his hilarious antics.
I knew better. But I pulled out my camera anyway and snapped away.
It took about three seconds for the camera police to appear at my seat. She pushed a claim check into my hand: "I'll take your device, she hissed You can retrieve it after the performance."
I got caught. I became the 'bad little girl.' Shame on me.
Shame, Shame, Double Name
I was instantly transported back in time to my first grade classroom. The teacher lectured me for tattling on another student. I was only trying to be helpful, but I was in big trouble.
I was at Langdon School. Washington, DC. And i remained there for the rest of the Cirque du Soleil performance.
I was a first grader watching the show. I was six years old.
I knew what was happening, I just couldn't do anything about it. So there I sat in my seat in the auditorium at Treasure Island in Vegas. Totally lost in the shame of being bad and getting caught.
Before I knew it, all of the performers were prancing around the stage. Removing their veils and wigs. Taking their bows. I had totally lost those last minutes of the performance. Gone. Evaporated from my adult consciousness. For those last 15 minutes I was disoriented, plunged back in time.
After the show I finally located the manager. He was holding a box of multicolored mini cameras all lined up in a row. By the time I got to him, there were at least 10 cameras still remaining in the box. I wasn't the only 'bad girl' in the house. I felt a little better.
So what was that reaction all about? Where did it come from. Hey, I've been working on this rejection stuff for lots of years. How did it manage to creep up on me and take over so totally?
And what about the first grade incident that appeared in living color? I haven't thought about that experience in decades. But there it was, crystal clear. I was watching it happen all over again. and I was watching myself watch myself.
Powerful.
"It's Only Embarrassment, Not Shame"
OK, many of you have heard me say this before. It usually helps a lot to remind myself that "it's only embarrassment, not shame." But it didn't work for me this time.
Shame and humiliation is so often an automatic response to these kinds of situations. Feeling embarrassed doesn’t carry the emotional charge of feeling ashamed. Try thinking of a situation as embarrassing rather than shameful or humiliating. Often a feeling of embarrassment is all that’s warranted. The situation doesn’t call for any more than that. Repeating to yourself, “I’m only feeling embarrassed” is enough to get you past those raggedy moments - at least sometimes.
A Teaching Moment
What did I learn from this experience? It was a reminder for me that no matter how much work we do on our feelings of self-rejection, sometimes they can come back to haunt us.
In 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' I write:
"I wish I could promise that these old unwanted behaviors can be totally extinguished. But in reality they’re something like a slow-motion version of those trick birthday-cake candles. They seem to die down for varying lengths of time, then unexpectedly flare up again. But these flare-ups can be useful. (It’s really true.)
Whenever this happens it’s a reminder that you have a unique ability that has saved your feelings—maybe even your life—a lot of times as you were growing up. Look at it as a method you learned to protect yourself, an overadaptation to an unsafe world. You don’t have to discard it just because it’s no longer usable in its current form—you can modify it. You can choose to recognize it, appreciate it, befriend it even, like an old friend from childhood who pays a surprise visit . . . Accepting yourself includes recognizing the various parts of yourself and accepting them."
Markers of How Far You've Come Along the Rejection Road
For me, one of the best realizations is that these shameful moments used to happen all the time. Now it is pretty rare when one comes along. And that's a good thing!
Consider thinking of these occasional moments as markers, reminders of how far you have come along your road of changing. A client tells this story: "I found myself slipping back into old overreacting behavior. I was upset with myself until I realized it had been nearly four months since the last time this happened. I used to react like this every day! Now I can use a little humor and say to myself, 'Oh, shit, here it is again.'"
Has a similar experience ever happened to you? I'd love to hear about it.
Yet Another Teaching Moment
And speaking of returning rejection experiences, I just returned from my Omaha Central High School reunion. I kept reminding myself before the weekend that there is one good thing about reunions. We are ALL the same age.
Lots to reflect on and write about.from the weekend. It's always difficult for me to return to Omaha. There are of course some wonderful memories from my years there, but some really sad ones too. Especially the years after the plane crash. My infrequent visits to the cemetery are markers in my journey of delayed grieving.
Here is a piece on this journey that I recently wrote for BettyConfidential.com.
http://www.bettyconfidential.com/ar/ld/a/Air-France-Tragedy-Opens-the-Wounds-of-Her-Own-Loss.html
I want to think a bit about the layers of thoughts and feelings that materialized over the reunion weekend. It was pretty amazing. Most likely good material for an upcoming e-letter.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next time,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
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Contacting Elayne
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