TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®
December, 2009
Welcome to the 38th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection®
Your Holiday Survival Guide
By Elayne Savage, PhD
These touchy times foster even touchier overreactions over the holidays.
The stresses of travel, visits with relatives, and dealing with unrealistic expectations and disappointments can lead to holidays disintegrating into low-down battles right before your eyes. The absurdity of it all is like watching a Harold Pinter play.
Theatre of the Absurd
Awkward family situations include: obnoxious relatives, judgments and criticism, and inappropriate, emotionally-loaded discussions about politics or religion.
You can choose not to bite-the-bait that family members toss out.
You can protect yourself from hurtful words and actions.
Here are some tips for handling these stressful holiday dilemmas. How to not be so sensitive. How to not over-react or take things so personally.
Pass the Rejection, Please
- Here is a great way you to take care of yourself at the dinner table. When civility starts getting off track you can always say a simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the kitchen or bathroom, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I want to handle this?”
Perhaps you can apply some of these examples to awkward situations in your family. . .
• Uncle Alex is baiting you again with his political rants. He pulls you in every time. You're embarrassed to find yourself raising your voice to make your point.
- Don't bite the bait. Avoid the fish and the fisherman routine.
- Be direct. Say "Uncle Alex, I can see you feel strongly about your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this subject."
Uncle Alex's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.
• Mom is doing her 'Queen of the Kitchen' number. She insists on using her
salad dressing even though you made a perfectly lovely one. It's almost comical, so why not appreciate the HUMOR in the situation, and laugh it off.
Mom's behavior is another example of Theatre of the Absurd.
• Dad is drinking too much again. He’s making comments loudly under
his breath about your weight. It's so humiliating. What do you do?
- Remember you have CHOICES now. When Dad teased you when you were small, you didn't know how to consider choices.
- Now you can remind yourself you don’t have to stay there and take it. You can leave the room gracefully go into the kitchen and get a glass of water while you regain your composure.
- Consider having a talk with him about it in a sober moment. This will be more
effective than trying to talk to him at the table.
Dad's behavior is an exquisite example of Theatre of the Absurd.
• Aunt Sally's unrelenting teasing makes you uncomfortable and self-conscious. She's done this ever since you can remember. She sees your discomfort and goes full steam ahead. "You always were too sensitive," she bellows. You want to crawl under the table and disappear.
- This is a good time for a deep breath. Maybe several. Breathing slowly ten times will usually help to take the charge off of the situation.
- By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.
- And if you make an effort to thank Aunt Sally when she shows even the slightest interest in you, it reinforces the positive behavior. Maybe she'll even have something nice to say to you again sometime.
Aunt Sally's behavior is a great example of Theatre of the Absurd.
When Feelings Are Too Hot To Handle
By the way, when Aunt Sally says, "You always were too sensitive," she is most likely talking about herself.
This is an example of 'projection' - mistakenly imagining certain traits exist in another person when you cannot acknowledge them in yourself. This is because they are emotionally unacceptable. In other words, features that you attribute to (others) are actually disowned (shadow) parts of yourself.
It’s like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space — for safekeeping.
Unacknowledged feelings include anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness, vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency."
Projection also involves confusion about personal boundaries. I describe how this works in BREATHING ROOM:
"When you get right down to it, confusion about personal boundaries causes big problems in relationships. Having good personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our personal space is unique and separate from the personal space of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."
3 Keys to Civility
- Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to regain your composure. These are all examples of taking 'Time Outs.'
- The bottom line is: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! Remember actions or inactions
that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not about you.
- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can LIKE OR APPRECIATE about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate that feature. When a person sees RESPECT in your eyes, he or she is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.
Works every time!
Wishing you a happy holiday season. Filled with good cheer, friends, good cheer, good food and drink and peace.
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
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