By Elayne Savage, PhD
What better time than spring to clear out relationship clutter?
Why not toss things you've been stockpiling? You could chuck misunderstandings. Donate hurt feelings. And give anger and resentment the heave-ho.
Even small misunderstandings add up when they result in hurt feelings. Someone says or does something (or neglects to say or do something.) The other person takes it personally. Feelings get hurt. Anger takes over. And that sneaky, insidious resentment starts creeping into every nook and cranny of your relationship. Soon you find it is taking up so much space there's no room for connection and respect.
Your relationship gets de-railed.
This is what happens between Allison and Terry. Allison finds herself getting upset whenever Terry comes home later than agreed upon.
Allison's anxiety builds. By the time Terry walks through the door, she blasts all of her stockpiled fury at him. Right between the eyes. Then she recites a litany of all the times he has been late in the past.
Finally she gathers the courage to talk with Terry directly, honestly and sincerely. She tells him how hurt and disrespected she feels each time he is late. She tells him how hurtful it is each time he breaks his promise to her. And he listens.
Allison gets Terry to understand how she is a worrier. How whenever he is late she thinks the worst. She is able to tell him clearly and directly that she needs him to make every effort to show up when he said he will. And if he is occasionally delayed, she needs him to call her before the agreed upon time, so she does not worry.
This isn't an easy talk to have. By putting words to her feelings Allison begins the process of clearing out of all that built up resentment. And she discovers enough space opens up where she and Terry can bring respect and positive energy back into their relationship.
Does resentment take up space in your relationships? How much time do you spend dwelling on hurt feelings and disappointments.
Clearing out resentment creates the space you need to renew respect for yourself and the people in your life. It helps you get back on track.
This goes for work relationships too. The hurdles are the same: Feeling rejected or fearing rejection. Feeling misunderstood. Feeling disappointed and not appreciated. Feeling invisible.
"But This is How We Do It in My Family . . ."
The key to productive relationships is mutual respect.
We all grew up in different families. We learned different styles of rules, beliefs and values. Perhaps you grew up in different cultures which includes gender, ethnicity, religion and even region of the country.
You don't have to let these differences of style create relationship problems.
Whenever you are having a discussion with your coworker, or boss or romantic partner, be aware there are more than two of you in the room. Each of your ancestors are there as well, putting in their two cents, clamoring for attention; "Our family way is the best way!"
Instead of feeling threatened by your differences, why not create the space to honor them? Why not make an effort to respect others "ways" even though they may not think or act the same as you?
Feeling accepted and respected by others is vital to productive work and personal relationships. But what if you don't feel this acceptance? When we don't feel respected, we feel rejected. And rejection hurts.
Rejection hurts
It hurts to feel criticized or slighted or condescended to. It's painful to feel dismissed or discounted or dispensable.
We tend to collect these hurts. We pile them into containers. They keep growing until they become resentments. And when a lover or friend or coworker says or does something that sets off the trigger, the container explodes. The moldy mess inside seeps over everything and everyone.
Getting Back on the 'Respect Track'
So how can you get your personal or professional relationship back on the respect track?
Here is where the notion of reciprocity comes in.
Reciprocity describes how one response leads to another as individual behavior affects the behavior in the relationship. This in turn affects the individual behavior of the folks interacting.
Here's an example from 'Breathing Room:'
". . . #1 says something to #2. And #2 thinks #1 means something negative or critical by what is said. Then #2 reacts protectively, that is to say, withdraws. And #1 reacts to the perceived withdrawal, perhaps getting hurt or angry. And on and on it goes, with no beginning and no end.
In other words, #1 doesn’t do it to #2. #2 doesn’t do it to #1. They do it with each other. Each partner’s behavior affects and is affected by the other person’s behavior."
You can change any personal or work relationship. All it takes is for one person to change. Because relationships are relational one change affects another. When the relationship changes, it can lead to more individual change. And on and on.
Once both of you realize your differences are most likely differences of style, neither of you have to protect your space needs so fervently. This allows the room to connect in an open and honest way.
The Eyes Have It
Here's where the idea of reciprocity comes in. Long-time readers of this e-letter and workshop participants have heard me suggest this tip before. It's perfect for cleaning out resentment and bad feelings in work or personal relationships: Wouldn't you agree that when you feel put off by a partner or coworkers ways, you respond negatively?Kind of like a metaphorical rolling of the eyes or turning up of the nose?
So rather than continuing this negative interaction, why not attempt to change it?
Here's how: try to find something you can like and respect about the other person. Granted this isn't easy to do when so much negativity has built up. Can you conjure up a positive thought about them? Can you appreciate their smile, intelligence or sense of humor? What about their taste in clothes or colors? Keep trying. I bet you can come up with SOMETHING.
Once you identify a feature, try to focus in on this during your next interaction. Then try it a second and even a third.
When they see respect in your eyes they will probably respond to it. You'll be amazed at how quickly the situation can change for the better.
Don't be surprised if you notice respect coming right back at ya! And we all can use a little respect. It's good for the soul.
Until next time,
Elayne
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
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