by Elayne Savage, PhD
I sure can relate to the Jet Blue flight attendant who 'had it' with abusive passengers and exited with dramatic style.
Did it strike a chord with you, too? Have you ever had
fantasies about saying "You can take this job and shove it.
I'm outta here?"
And for some folks, he became an instant hero. I'd love to
hear your thoughts and experiences about this saga.
You know the story: Flight attendant Steven Slater was
reportedly involved in an altercation with a passenger. She
apparently cussed him out with a couple of F word expletives.
Slater, a 20 year veteran of dealing with disruptive passengers,
snapped.
Reports say he announced on the intercom: "Those of you who
have shown dignity and respect these last 20 years, thanks for a
great ride." Then he grabbed a beer from the galley, deployed the
plane's inflatable emergency chute, and along with his luggage,
slid to the tarmac. And what a dramatic exit it was!
Later he was arrested and charged with "criminal mischief,
reckless endangerment, and criminal trespass."
Wow. So many rejection and taking things personally aspects
of this story - where to begin? Let's concentrate on two:
Overreactions in the Workplace and The Psychology of Air Rage.
Over-the-top Overreactions in the Workplace
Over-the-top comments, looks, tones of voice or dismissive acts
feel like rejection and we take them personally. It can be
devastating when we overreact in public work situations.
In spite of our good intentions and all of our customer service
and anger management training, sometimes someone crosses
the line. Something gets triggered and we have a meltdown.
It has happened to me . . .
When I was working in San Francisco Child Protective Services,
performance was evaluated on a bell-shaped curve. Ratings out of
the middle range required written justification meaning more work
for the supervisor. Many were not willing to put in the extra
effort. Often our strengths were not acknowledged. We were not
validated for performing difficult and often dangerous work.
The job evaluation procedure was dismissive and rejecting.
It's hard not to take something personally when you are
disappointed by the actions of people you look to for support.
Even if it's not intended, it feels like rejection.
I got very angry that Evaluation Day. I left my supervisor's
office, grabbed a large box of paper clips from the supply shelf,
and threw them at the nearest wall. It was exhilarating, and it
made a big mess.
I sure was enraged.
Rage is Anger with a History
Rage is beyond the experience of anger. Where anger reflects
something happening in the present, rage reflects overwhelming
feelings from the past.
I see rage is ‘anger with a history.’
Rage is usually connected with our early life experiences. An
event may be distressing in the present, but it can set off an
out-of-control reaction when it reminds us of painful or traumatic
experiences.
Let's look at these spring-loaded actions as metaphors for early
injustices: feeling “cut off,” “squeezed out,” “kept waiting,”
“pushed around,” “bumped,” “edged out” or “trapped.”
When a similar experience is recreated in the present, we find
ourselves re-experiencing old feelings and becoming enraged.
Outraged, Enraged and Air Raged
Air rage boils down to someone taking something personally.
Like road rage, air rage is an out of control reaction to feeling
wronged, slighted, or intruded upon. When someone invades
our personal space, we feel disrespected. We take it personally.
We become outraged and enraged.
Feeling “dissed” takes a multitude of forms. Certainly it means
feeling disrespected. However, there are dozens of “diss”
words which translate into perceived rejection.
Consider the complex emotions arising from feeling disrespected,
dismissed, or disregarded What about disposable, dishonored, or
disenfranchised?
Cut Off, Squeezed Out, Kept Waiting, Pushed Around, Bumped,
Edged Out, Feeling Trapped.
By recognizing these metaphors we can better understand the
phenomenon of air age.
Kept waiting through countless lines and delays. Bumped in line by
another passenger. Jostled as you board the plane. Pushed around
by airline personnel."Ignored' by a flight attendant who forgets to
take your order. Trapped on a crowded plane - especially when
another passenger is taking up too much physical or emotional space.
Did you ever feel pushed or bumped or ignored or trapped when you
were a kid? How did you handle it? Did you get angry? Did you lose
control?
These experiences can be unsettling. Emotions flood. You can’t sort
out your feelings. Before you know it, you’re behaving badly. You
usually see yourself as kind and considerate. How can you be
behaving so outrageously now? How can this be happening?
The exchange of behavior between the passenger and the flight
attendant on this Jet Blue flight was reportedly laden with
reciprocal incivility and disrespect.
Is this ignoble behavior a reflection of the outrageous times in
which we live?
There is certainly a lot of rage and fear and anxiety out there
these days. Even the “usually nice” ones among us find ourselves
behaving badly some of the time.
Feeling Trapped
Let's look at the 'feeling trapped' metaphor. It's easy to feel
that way cooped up in a plane. There's another element here as
well: Some of us grew up feeling trapped. Especially if we had to
deal with confusing messages in our family. And we couldn't
comment or leave the scene.
I describe this trapped feeling in 'Don't Take It Personally! The
Art of Dealing with Rejection:'
"Children feel especially helpless and confused if they grow up in
a double-bind family where there are two conflicting messages
given(often one is verbal and one is covert). They are expected to
obey both messages . . . . They have no way to comment on the
confusion or to leave the scene (except perhaps by spacing out). It
seems they have no options; they feel bound up, trapped. It’s a
no-win,damned-if-you-do-and-damned-if-you-don’t situation . . . .
Struggling to make choices in no-win situations in childhood can
lead to overwhelming anxiety that may resurface in adulthood."
I wonder how many flight attendants feel trapped - discouraged from
commenting and generally unable to 'leave the scene.' How many
fantasize about making A Great Escape? Perhaps a parachute? Or the
escape chute?
It surely was Steven Slater's fantasy. I watched him say, "For 20
years I thought about it!"
Complicated by Fear and Anxiety
And of course fear and anxiety complicate matters. For passengers
it may be the fear of flying, scary turbulence, stress, worrying
about a personal situation or about missing a connection. Fight
attendants have many of the same concerns and emotions.
Here's how fear and anxiety relate to disruptive behavior:
When we are anxious about something and unable to put words to it,
it can overflow into disruptive behavior. The anxiety has to go
somewhere. If we can't talk it out we often act it out.
And when Steven Slater took something personally and overreacted,
he chose an unusual way to act out his feelings and his fantasy.
Leaving the scene by sliding down an inflatable escape chute.
Here are some tips for how not to take things personally:
• Remind yourself: it’s more about the other person than it is
about you.
• Don't presume – check things out.
• Put yourself in the other person's shoes. How might they be
feeling?
• Remember: you DO have choices.- even though in the heat of the
incident, it sometimes feels like you don’t.
• Even though you find yourself walking down that old path of
overreacting, notice what's happening. Remind yourself you can
always back up to the fork in the road and walk down a different
path. I call this 'walking alongside yourself.'
• If you are being raged at don’t bite the bait, don’t engage. A
confrontation is only going to be a lose-lose situation for you.
And you might get hurt.
• Put the incident in perspective by remembering the metaphor
theory. Remind yourself that old feelings could be recreated in
this incident.
• Take a breather. Ten slow breaths can work wonders to reduce
stress.
• Most importantly, don’t take it personally! Chances are the
other persons inconsiderate behavior or careless mistakes are not
really directed at you.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
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WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
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