By Elayne Savage, PhD
Fear is in the air and it’s contagious. Like a bad cold or a mean flu.
Fear can be debilitating. The worry, apprehension and anxiety brings on a stuck place, a kind of paralysis.
It’s difficult to think clearly or act decisively. And to complicate matters, it’s hard to escape the hourly fueling and fanning of fear by the media and politicians.
There is something else in the air as well - helplessness and uncertainty. When these powerful, responses are rooted in early experiences, a child-like fright can take over. We start re-experiencing those times when we were young and terrified and helpless. Like waking up from a bad nightmare.
And a small voice asks, “What’s going to happen to me?”
Let’s put this overwhelm in perspective:
How you are affected by outside events
Why you are debilitated to this degree
What steps you can take to overcome the fear
Looking at Loss
As a workplace coach and family therapist, each day brings more stories about the economy’s impact on us. Tensions are great. Stress is rampant. Relationships are incredibly strained.
People feel helpless, insecure and frightened.
The connecting theme in these experiences is Loss. Losing a job not only means loss of income. It brings along loss of routine, loss of independence, loss of respect, and loss of identity. Losing a home or savings fosters loss of security and loss of well-being and loss of a dream. And for some, the loss of hope.
And the small voice asks, “What’s going to happen to me?”
Facing and navigating loss is even more complicated when it reminds you of painful losses from early years. A pet dies. A childhood friend moves away. You move away – to another school across town or across the country. An older brother or sister goes off to college, leaving a void in your world.
Early loss takes other forms as well. Separation or divorce. Serious illness. Someone you love dies.
Any of these losses can feel like abandonment. And abandonment is the most profound rejection of all.
Our cumulative experiences affect how we cope with present day losses.
Each new loss in the present can bring up losses from the past. Even though they seem long ago and forgotten, they still pack a wallop.
Disappointments
Disappointments are loss, too. Most of us as children felt disappointed in someone or something.
Maybe someone made a promise they didn’t keep. Or you didn’t get that special present. Or you had your hopes pinned on an ‘A.’ Or you found out you couldn’t count on someone you trusted.
As we grow up each new disappointment reminds us of past experiences. Who hasn’t believed exaggerated promises or engaged in some wishful thinking? Or put someone on a pedestal, only to watch them stumble and tumble?
There’s a fine line between hopeful positive thinking and unrealistic expectations. Reality can be a hard landing place.
Unrealistic expectations are setups for disappointment, disillusionment, and resentment. And when we’re too invested in a certain outcome, we tend to take disappointment personally.
That’s when disappointment feels like rejection.
Loss Of Trust
Have you ever struggled with loss of trust, Including powerful feelings of disloyalty and betrayal? Can you see how losing a job might feel unfair? Or disloyal? When your employer promises security and you trust this, it feels like a betrayal when the job evaporates.
The extent of your reaction to loss of a job or a promised project might be influenced by your past experiences with trust, unfairness, disloyalty or betrayal.
Trust is fragile. When it is violated, it is difficult to restore.
Loss of Identity
Layoffs and forced early retirement are common occurrences these days. These sudden shifts in structured time leave large holes in normal routines. We feel lost.
Losing employment can bring on loss of identity. Work is a touchstone for how you think of yourself. Losing this identity throws you off-kilter. How to fill this void creates quite a challenge.
Loss Feels Like Rejection
Each of these losses and disappointments can feel like rejection or self-rejection. Rejection is feeling “dissed” in some way: disrespected, dismissed, discarded, dispensable, discounted, disenfranchised or dishonored.
When you feel wounded at such a deep place, it’s hard not to take the hurt personally.
When we take something personally, we see ourselves as a target, perceiving someone’s actions as a personal affront. We feel slighted, or wronged, or attacked. Then we begin to question our self-worth and go to a self-rejecting place. All too often we give up our power to the person or situation that causes us to feel hurt.
Each of these losses incubates fear and apprehension. What a lonely feeling fear can be. You may want to retreat, lick your wounds and suffer in silence. You might find it difficult to reach out and connect to others. And yet, reaching out and building relationships is one of the best ways to take care of yourself at times like these.
Reaching Out
Can you talk to a partner or friend? A spiritual leader or teacher? What about a counselor, coach or psychotherapist? Social networking or on-line forums can work, too.
Can you put words to your worries and fears? Write them down, and then read them out loud. At least to yourself. Hearing the sound of the words makes a difference.
If we don’t talk out our feelings, we act them out.
Acting Out
Acting out is a common way of releasing tension. It can take many forms. We're seeing a lot of anger lately. Protests, picking fights, flying into rages, antagonizing and bullying.
Some people act out by engaging in excessive behaviors - including addictive.
But acting out can be passive as well: foot-dragging, “yes, butting,” sulking, or giving someone the silent treatment.
These behaviors are ways we deal with the anxiety and pressure that build when we’re not able to put words to our feelings, worries and fears.
Respecting Different Coping Styles
Talking to your partner or friend is a good idea - when it works. What if you try to talk but you are disappointed by the other person’s response? What if you don’t feel heard or understood or supported?
We all have different styles of dealing with stress, anxiety, and fear. We learn these coping skills (or lack of them) from our family and cultural growing up experiences.
It’s not surprising we all have different ways of coping. After all, we grew up in different families!
These family ‘ways’ are passed down through the generations. As I point out in Don’t Take It Personally!, “Grandma passes down more than just her china.”
Unspoken fears get passed down from generation to generation as well. Chances are most of our great grandparents experienced fears around scarcity, impoverishment and loss when they immigrated to this country. These fears may have been passed along through the generations - to us.
Now that we are going through hard times ourselves, these heretofore dormant fears are jumping out. Scaring us. Throwing us way off-kilter.
Different Ways of Coping
• One person may withdraw, experiencing a kind of paralysis, while the other person mobilizes and becomes over-active.
• Another may cocoon, preferring alone time, while the other needs to increase their contact with others.
• Sometimes one is less inclined to talk about feelings and the other talks so much that it’s hard to listen anymore.
If either of you feels discounted, you’re most likely feeling rejected. Before you know it, someone is taking something personally. Unless you can respect each other’s styles, misunderstandings can occur. The resulting hurt feelings lead to anger and resentment.
Resentment takes up so much space in relationships that there’s barely room for connection. Especially in these stressful times, feeling connected is important.
Tips for Coping with Fear
• Give yourself permission to be afraid. These are unsettling times. However try not to cross the line into biting the ‘fear bait’ dished out by the media and politicians.
• Give your worst fear a name. Say it out loud. Talk it out. Hearing yourself say what you fear most can work wonders in refocusing your perspective.
• ‘Walk alongside yourself.’ With this mindfulness you’ll gain enough distance from the situation to see it more clearly. Try separating the “now” of the present moment from the “then” of unpleasant childhood experiences. This frees you up from becoming overwhelmed by your feelings.
• This objectivity allows you to choose to make a different response. Know that your partner, friends or colleagues may deal with fear differently than you. Try not to compare.
• Make a plan. It provides structure, direction and reassurance.
• Try not to take disappointment personally. It’s an energy zapper. Even though disappointment might feel like rejection, remind yourself, “This is not about me. I can choose how much energy I give to this.”
Unblocking Your Energy
When you’re feeling helpless, afraid, immobilized, dazed, numbed, or stunned. When it becomes hard to think or act. Try to remember to move.
Move your fingers or your toes, or your body. Try to get that energy flowing.
Breathing In the Colors
Whenever I find myself in a negative space, I do whatever it takes to get my energy flowing. I especially like to take a walk. Releasing those endorphins increases my feeling of well-being. While I’m walking, I breathe in the colors around me; the sky, trees, plants, flowers, structures. This keeps me present, grounded and appreciative of my world.
By creating options and getting the energy flowing, you won’t feel so stuck. You can tap your power and develop momentum for growing into self-acceptance and creativity.
Then ask yourself, “What‘s going to happen FOR me?”
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
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