by Elayne Savage, PhD
Today I did an interview with Karen Walker-Tunoa promoting her book on resilience, 'Getting Past Go.' It got me thinking about my
fragility - the opposite of resilience.
Karen knows me from our involvement with the National Speakers Association. She says sees me as resilient and guesses I was
probably that way all my life.
Wrong. I tried to strangle myself in high school.
It took years as an adult to develop the ability to cope with disappointments, stress and adversity.
That buoyancy did not come easily.
Maybe I had the 'makings' of resilience. But in my childhood, teen or young adult years, I surely did not have the ability to bounce
back. I took just about everything personally.
The evening I tried to strangle myself, When I passed out I released my grip. I can appreciate the ridiculousness of that image now,
but it sure wasn't funny at the time.
I was targeted a lot in school and on the playground. I didn't know what to do. My mother was dead. My father traveled in his job. I was afraid to talk to our caretaker because she used to bully me too. My brother, Lee, was too young to burden. I was
miserable.
I felt so alone.
Of course what I experienced then was nothing compared to how difficult it is for teens now. The easy availability of the web and
social media make everything much more complicated.
Back then the attacks, taunts and accusations were not broadcastor all to see.
The coloration of bullying has surely changed. Now it's more extreme, more humiliating . . . and more public.
In my teen years, there was no such thing as cyber-bullying or MySpace or Facebook or the sexting of suggestive photos. If there
had been, I don't believe I could have endured it.
Cyber-bullying is easy and anonymous. And once the words or photos are online, it's tempting for the bullied teen to re-visit the
site, each time, becoming more shamed, mortified and depressed.
A Chilling Year of Consequences from Bullying
And what a chilling year of consequences this has been.
Some of you know that over the last four years in this e-letter/blog I've written many times on bullying: childhood
bullying workplace bullying and relationship bullying.
If you'd like to read more, here's a link to specific entries on bullying:
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/bullying/
Since my last post on the subject over a year ago, something horrific has been happening. There have been dozens of teen and
young adult suicides resulting from mean-spirited taunts, harassment and personal attacks. The awfulness of it takes my
breath away.
These frightening acts and needless deaths really touch me. I'd like to share some of my thoughts with you.
I find myself dealing with three powerful sets of feelings: First, recognition of the torment these teens must have endured
that they choose death over living with the pain.Then there's my compassion for the suffering of the families and friends. And
finally, I'm all too aware of my own pain as memories come flooding back of the times I experienced similar rejecting behavior.
Painful Memories Come Flooding Back
Each time I hear about these bullying episodes, my own teen years reappear in living color. I hated the ridiculing, taunts and
harassment. Yes, I took it personally.
Try as I might, it's a struggle to be forgiving or understanding. To this day, I resent the bullies who made my life so miserable.
There were times I felt I couldn't withstand another day of it. Back then, I didn't understand that none of it was about my
behavior or my personality. Now I can see how the teasing and ridiculing was really about things out of my control: How I
happened to be built. My religion. Being shorter then everyone else.
Looking back, what then seemed like incredibly hurtful taunts seem pretty lightweight now. How on earth would I have coped back then
with the complexities of what kids now are going through.
Teen years are turbulent. Social pressures are intense. Hormones rage, Super-sensitivity abounds, Just about everything seems like a personal affront. And things can easily spiral out of control.
If only young people today understood what most of us come to know as we grow up: That things can and do get better.
My book on rejection, 'Don't Take It Personally' is in many middle and high school libraries around the country. Mostly because of the chapteron Peer Rejection and Resilience.
I write: "Occurrences like these can seem overwhelming, because
the teens haven't yet accumulated the life experience that teaches
them things do get better, that it's not the end of the world. The
best thing about adolescence is that it's time limited. How I
wish these teens could believe that."
And how I wish they could be with us today.
Like the seven students in Minnesota's Anoka-Hennepin School
District who have killed themselves during the past year.
And
Hope Witsell, Florida, 13, in September 2009
Phoebe Prince, Massachusetts, 15, in January 2020
Jon Carmichael, Texas,. 13, March, 2010.
Seth Walsh, California, 13, September 2010
Billy Lucas, Indiana, 13 September, 2010
Asher Brown, 13, Texas, September 2010
Tyler Clementi, 18, Rutgers student, September,2010
There are probably others, too.
These teens are dead because they were perceived as too flirty or nerdy or geeky or short or gay or different. And they were relentlessly taunted.
It's reported that teen suicide was the 3rd leading cause of death among young adults and adolescents 15 to 24 years of age, Another unsettling report: In this country, a teen takes his or her own
life every 100 minutes,
And the Tears Come
Sometimes it surprises me when how easily tears come. It happens when I hear about yet another young person killing themselves after being subjected to ridicule and harassment. There are just too many shocking stories of needless deaths.
It isn't so easy to push the old pain back into the box these days. It swirls around me, creeping into my consciousness. There is a
young person's voice calling out to be compassionate and understanding. I recognize that young voice as mine.
On the subject of the pain and repercussions from bullying, Ft. Worth, Texas city councilman Joel Burns' "It Gets Better" says it so
poignantly. Perhaps you've already seen it. I've viewed this video 4 or 5 times now.
Joel Burns and others who are offering the "It Gets Better" message, surely are modeling resilience.
I hope you'll watch. I'd love to know your thoughts. You can use the comment section of my blog:
http://www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com
or contact me by email, [email protected]
Here's the link to Joel Burn's powerful statement:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ax96cghOnY4
And, once again the Southern Poverty Law Center is way ahead of the pack in addressing this crucial problem. Here's the link to an excellent Teaching Tolerance film which, by the way, is FREE to schools:
http://www.tolerance.org/bullied
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2ca0qC4
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2ducIm3
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The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her speaking programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230
AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
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Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
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