By Elayne Savage, PhD
It must be the season for relationship breakups! Between Valentine's Day and now I've been receiving more emails than usual about the subject.
It's interesting that folks are asking how to navigate a specific kind of breakup: when the person is not just your partner, but also your best friend.
Here are some of the reflections and concerns communicated to me in the emails .....
This is the person you could tell anything to, the one you feel so connected with, the one you could share and express your thoughts openly and honestly. You invited them into your sacred space, and you were welcomed into theirs.
They were such a comfort to you, and then, for whatever reason, the relationship evaporates.
Perhaps one of you fell 'out of love.' Or you asked, "Is this all there is?" Or maybe you are love each other deeply, but for whatever reason, the relationship just can't work.
Should You Even Try to Salvage the Friendship?
The question the emailers are asking is: "How can I salvage the friendship part?" Or "Should I even try?"
Too often people try to hang onto a relationship because it feels comfortable. And they stay too long because they are afraid of being lonely.
Sometimes breakups are by mutual agreement. Other times someone feels rejected and would probably have a long way to go before the continuation of the friendship is possible. It's hard not to think: "You rejected me and now you want to be my friend. Good luck!"
There are no cookie cutter answers here. We each have our own sensitivities and capabilities. The important thing is to take good care of yourself and do what feels right to you. (More about loving and honoring yourself below.)
After you decide to part ways, those talks that were such an important part of your life become excruciatingly difficult. How do you continue to share details of your day the way you used to? Or plan together for an upcoming event? Or discuss unsettling world news? Or confide your concerns about work or your fears about health issues ?
And the one thing you really want them to comfort you about is the very thing you can't talk to them about: the immense hurt and sadness and loss you feel about your breakup.
You want to turn to them for comforting, but they can't be there in the same way. They are no longer available to have intimate conversations with. To confide in. To pour out your heart and soul to. To cry with.
What a Lonely Feeling . . .
You so much want to pick up the phone or email or text them to share your experiences and your concerns and your fears. And you can't. Perhaps you both made an agreement to not have contact for a while. Until healing can take place. Until it does't hurt so much. Until you feel whole again.
I've struggled with similar experiences myself. More than once. It is painful and lonely.
I remember more than anything wanting to be held and comforted. And yes, especially wanting them to comfort me about the pain of the breakup.
How can the person you need to be comforted about comfort you?
This gigantic sense of loss can occur in many situations: breaking off a romantic relationship or a business relationship or a friendship, or when someone dies. Leaving a business relationship or long-time friendship can feel like a divorce. Any relationship where there is dovetailing of minds, of ideas, of dreams, of passions can break your heart and leave a huge gaping hole when it ends.
The lover or friend that you took so for granted is no longer available. I wonder which is more painful: a gentle parting of ways on good terms or a dramatic, angry breakup.
What a huge hole it leaves in your heart and your soul. And what a long time it can take to heal. It might take months. Or even years.
And what about you? Have you ever faced the question of whether to try to be friends? How have you handled breakups in the past? Did you feel you had to cut everything off? Did you attempt to stay friends? Did you even want to? If you tried, how long did it take before you could make that transition of moving out of one episode of life and into another?
I'd love to hear from you. You can post your thoughts on the outlined comment box below.
How do we Uncouple and become whole again?
Here are 7 Tips for Healing
• Give Time a Chance
Hopefully life experiences teach us that things can and do get better. Time is an extraordinary healer. If only we could try not to rush the process and let time do it's thing.
• Closure is Critical
Ask yourself what you need to have closure. It's different for each person. Just make sure you're clear about the reason for the breakup whether you initiated it or your partner did. No room for generalities here. Have a conversation that is direct and specific.
• Loving and Nurturing Yourself
Self-love and self-acceptance have to be an inside job! To love yourself you have to know and accept yourself. This means recognizing your blind spots, owning both your strengths and weaknesses, and acknowledging your “shadow” side. Including those child-like parts that may pop up too often.
It means accepting yourself without judgments. Dispensing with the ‘shoulds’ and ‘oughts,’ and any over-concern about what others think. It helps me to repeat, "I am perfect as I am and as I am not."
And by the way, becoming authentic with yourself lets you extend this self-intimacy to other relationships.
You could show love for yourself by treating yourself to a nice dinner, special flowers. soothing music - anything that brings happiness to you and connects you to your world.
And just as important (or maybe even more so) can you let others love and nurture you? Can you allow others to support you through your healing? Can you talk to a friend? This might be a good time for supportive therapy or counseling.
• Self-soothing
Self-soothing is connected to Loving Yourself, but I think it warrants a spot of it's own here. Self-soothing is a way to tap into your needs and resources by quieting yourself.
One way to calm yourself is through repetition of movement which has an auto hypnotic effect. You may already be doing it without even knowing. Do you ever find yourself touching or rubbing your hand, arm, shoulder, chin, or hair? You may have dismissed this repetitive touching as “just a nervous thing I do” but it is, in fact, a creative way of calming yourself.
Next time you find yourself stroking your hair or your shoulder or your knuckles, try doing more of it and notice how well you are making space for yourself.
(The ideas expressed here on intimacy with yourself and self-soothing are based on excerpts from 'Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple' a book for both singles and couples)
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
My friend and colleague, blogger Allen L. Roland, Ph.D. writes: "The basic underlying and uniting force of the universe is a psychic energy field of love and soul consciousness (the Unified Field) which lies not only beyond time and space but ALSO beneath our deepest fears." - Allen L. Roland, Ph.D.
• Releasing Tension
The healing touch of massage is soothing. If you happen to live near a massage training school, you can get massages for very low fee. My rule is to never talk on the massage table - it tightens me up and interferes with relaxation.
The release of endorphins that comes from exercise elevates your mood. My favorite healing exercise is walking at a fairly fast pace and noticing and breathing in the colors around me.
Yoga and Meditation also bring on a feeling of wellbeing. In the alpha state, mental and physical relaxation lead to changes in brain waves and the release of endorphins.
Being mindful of your thoughts and feelings, watching them come and go, is another way to heal.
• Balancing Negativity with Gratitude and Appreciation
Try to balance any negative thoughts and feelings with remembering the good times you had together. Focus on their qualities and magnificence. Are you able to hold on to those memories and keep them in a container where they can coexist alongside the negative feelings?
• Letting Go
I believe that whatever happens, happens for a reason. I'd like to share with you the Four Principles of Spirituality. I have a PowerPoint version I watch each time I need a reminder.
The Four Principles of Spirituality
1st Principle:
“Whomever you encounter is the right one”
This means that no one comes into our life by chance. Everyone who is around us, anyone with whom we interact, represents something whether to teach us something or to help us improve a situation.
2nd Principle:
“Whatever happened is the only thing that could have happened”
Absolutely nothing of that which we experience could have been any other way. Not even in the least important detail. There is no “if only I had done that differently… Then it would have been different”. No, what happened is the only thing that could have taken place and must have take place for us to learn a lesson in order to move forward. Every situation in life which we encounter is absolutely perfect, even when it defies our understanding and our ego.
3rd Principle:
“Each moment in which something begins is the right moment”
Everything begins at exactly the right moment, neither earlier nor later. When we are ready for it, for that something new in our life, it is there, ready to begin.
The Final Principle:
“What is over, is over”
It is that simple. When something in our life ends, it helps our evolution. That is why, enriched by the recent experience, it is better to let go and move on.
Whatever your loss may be, I wish for you Healing, Harmony and Regeneration ....
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
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