By Elayne Savage, PhD
Whenever I present my 'What Holds You Back?' program, participants especially value my ideas on ambivalence. Sounds like a good topic for this month's e-letter/blog, so here goes . . .
Ambivalence - The Clash Between the Voice of Confidence and the Voice of Doubt
Ambivalence stops us in our tracks. It's a complex deterrent to personal and professional success. By understanding its subtle and not-so-subtle forms, you'll have a good start on conquering it's immobilizing effects.
Ambivalence is natural to all of us. It's the presence of simultaneous, conflicting, and/or competing thoughts, feelings or wishes. You know you’re ambivalent when you experience uncomfortable inner conflict. When uncertainty and doubt take over. When you feel stuck, like you’re straddling a fence.
You may feel paralyzed and unable to make a decision.
Ambivalence is usually influenced by messages we heard in our early years:
"You're such a dreamer."
"What makes you think you can do that?"
“Who do you think you are?”
Many of us receive admonitions from parents, teachers, or peers. We hear these warnings as rejecting messages. They discount, dismiss and diminish. Over time we come to interpret these warnings as "Be careful. Be cautious."
Ambivalence resides in both personal and professional areas of our adult lives. Have you found yourself in any of these situations?
— Fantasizing about a promotion, yet dreading the added work hours it would require
— Wanting to market yourself in new, creative ways, but intimidated by putting yourself ‘out there”
— Hoping to expand your horizons, yet not wanting to commit to the additional hours it would require to make this happen
— Wanting connection with other people, and needing solitude
— Desiring a romantic relationship, yet not quite ready to make a commitment
— Wanting to spend time with a child or partner, and at the same time wanting time for yourself
— Needing to sort through your 'piles' of stuff but not able to decide what to keep and what to toss
— Craving a loving, nurturing relationship but choosing someone who’s not able to provide what you need
— AND there is the dilemma that confounds so many of us: having trouble deciding which gift or card to buy for a special occasion
Gift-giving Dilemmas
Let's look at gift-giving and card buying. On a continuum of dilemmas this may seem minor, even insignificant to some of you. But for others of us, it's a huge problem. And it describes the process of ambivalence so well.
It's amazing how anxiety bubbles up when we attempt to pick out a gift or greeting card: Fear of Rejection, Fear of Judgment and Fear of Criticism run rampant.
How often do you find yourself unable to decide which card or gift
to buy? You see something in one shop but maybe it's not quite right. Do you visit the shop across the way in case you'll have more selection?
Do you become even more confused? You might even go back and forth between the shops a few times. And you still can't make up your mind.
You may become upset and anxious because you can't make a decision. You might leave without buying anything.
This is a good example of ambivalence: two internal voices skirmishing with one another and the emotional overload from the conflict leading to uncertainty and confusion. Under stress, it's hard to remember we have options and can make choices.
This conflict and confusion creates anxiety. Sometimes the anxiety causes us to freeze up and become immobilized. It feels yucky, something to be avoided.
Some folks can't bring themselves to attempt the purchase. They are afraid they'll make the wrong choice. They want to avoid the possible rejection of judgment and criticism, so they don't take any action. Surely a set-up for hurt feelings and misunderstandings - especially on birthdays or Valentine's Day!
It takes a great deal of energy to deal with ambivalence and to try to avoid anxiety. And it's stressful.
Going to Great Lengths to Avoid Anxiety
Most of us will go to great lengths to avoid anxiety! There are many ways we attempt to stay clear of these uncomfortable feelings:
• Avoidance – We’ll do just about anything to avoid the pain of another rejection
• Self-Sabotage – How might you sabotage yourself?
• Procrastination – A great example of how fear of rejection leads to self-rejection
• Perfectionism – If we do it ‘perfectly” no one can find fault.
• Excuses –‘Outside’ vs. ‘Inside’ reasons
If you would like me to address any of these ideas in an upcoming e-letter/blog, just let me know.
Tools for Taming Ambivalence - Talking Out Loud to Yourself
Hearing yourself think out loud allows the space to see choices. Knowing that you have options allows flexibility to change the way you think about a situation.
Since overwhelm tends to be amorphous, putting your concerns into words gives definitions and allows choices to emerge.
Here are some tools my coaching clients find especially particularly helpful . . .
1- Give BOTH voices a chance to be heard. When you're only
listening to one voice you are, in effect, rejecting the other.
You might even encourage the voices to talk to each other. Out loud.
Having the voices write to each other works too.
In other words, you'll be giving voice to both sides of the
ambivalence. You'll be honoring both voices.
One way to do this is to make two lists: a 'What I Have to Gain' list and a 'What I Have to Lose' list.
2- It's probably some type of Fear immobilizing you. You can begin to move forward by naming it. Is it Fear of Rejection? Of Failure? Of Success? Of being Visible? Of Disappointment? Of Judgment?
Try naming the Fear to yourself. Next, write it down. Or make an audio tape. The point is to hear yourself say the words out loud. Hearing yourself say it allows you to see it differently and recognize possible options.
(By the way, these fears are not only attached to YOUR early experiences but also to family messages which are passed down from generation to generation. Maybe you can be the first one to break free of these old messages.)
3- Next approach the Fear with some detachment. I call it 'walking alongside yourself.' This means stepping back enoughto recognize when you may be starting down that old path of doubt and fear. It means taking enough distance from your emotional
tug-of-war to create choices.
4- Then, ask yourself, "Do I really want to continue down this path? I could retrace my steps and make the choice to take the other fork. I can go down a different road."
5- You can learn more about your own early messages by asking yourself these questions:
If I put myself "out there" it would mean____________________.
If I fail, it would mean__________________________________.
If I succeed, it would mean______________________________.
Might I feel disloyal to someone?_________________________.
Who would that be?___________________________________.
If I feel too visible what might happen_____________________.
When conflicting ideas lead to uncertainty and confusion, call a "time-out" with yourself. Step away from the confusion and sort things out. Putting your confusion into words gives it a container and definition. This allows enough room for choices to emerge.
By understanding how ambivalence is connected to your barriers and fears, you'll be able to see your options more clearly. You'll be able to use your energy in more productive ways.
This allows you the space to move forward - by enhancing your creativity and toward achieving your personal and professional goals.
© Dr. Elayne Savage
How Can I Help?
Sometimes it's helpful to have someone else to talk to – especially a coach who is professionally skilled in guiding you through this process.
If I can assist in this process via phone call or Skype, let's discuss how I can be most helpful to you.
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
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WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
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