by Elayne Savage, PhD
I've been referring lately in "Tips From the Queen Of Rejection" to how striving for perfectionism results in lost opportunities. And you've been writing in, asking me to say more.
"You Can't Do Anything Right!"
I've struggled with perfectionism since childhood - always feeling no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do anything right. At home and in school the messages I got was:
"That's not good enough."
"What makes you think you can do that?"
"Your cousin did better than you did."
And even though I think I've changed and gained the upper hand with my need to be perfect, folks around me are not always so sure!
If you've read my books and articles or attended my workshops, you know I see perfectionism as a way of protecting ourselves from rejection.
In other words, we strive to do something perfectly so we don't leave space for someone to say, "It's not good enough." As a result, we can develop unrealistic expectations of ourselves. We might even fall off our own pedestal.
By trying to avoid feelings of disappointment and rejection we may put off beginning the project or task. Yep, that's procrastination.
Look at it this way: we might be trying to avoid the anxiety or stress that comes with feeling bad or inadequate. And we may end up feeling even badder, more inadequate, and more rejecting or ourselves. In future e-letter/blogs I'll write more about my ideas on perfectionism - where it comes from and how to get it to work for you and not against you!
If you have thoughts about what aspects of perfectionism you'd like me to focus on or if you have your own experiences with procrastination to share, email me at [email protected] or comment on my blog site, www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com
A Fresh Perspective
When we've been struggling with something for a long time, sometimes it's helpful to bring a fresh perspective to how we see it.
My friend and professional speaking colleague, Scott "Q" Marcus does exactly this as he suggests we strive for imperfection for a change.
Striving for Imperfection:Stop Doing Nothing Perfectly and Do ANYTHING Well!
by Scott "Q" Marcus
I have an interesting take on the pursuit of “perfection.”
Striving to be perfect is at best a barrier to actually getting “better,” and — in many cases — an excuse or a justification to avoid having to change one’s bad habits.
A bold or unusual view? Maybe; but, as an example, let’s take a common scenario. Suppose you decided to do something about those “few extra pounds” you’ve been carrying around lately. With fierce determination, you emphatically announce that you’re giving up anything sweet, fried, gooey, crispy, brown, sugary, or with even a hint of alcohol. Furthermore, you will start writing down everything you eat, cook with only organic ingredients, read all labels, consume unprocessed nutrients only, count all calories — and, on top of all that, start a daily 5AM walking program.
“I’m going to be perfect on my program,” you boast, with chest proudly swelled, to anyone who will listen.
And you are – until the end of the first day.
By nightfall, the constant drone of annoying phone calls, interruptions, cranky constituents, unmet deadlines, and various other unexpected events has you drained. You drag your tired soul into the house, drop your purse on the table, collapse on the couch, exhausted, and tell yourself, “One beer won’t hurt. Besides, after a day like today, I deserve it.”
That’s true. Those 20 pounds weren’t caused by “one beer.” The extra weight was actually caused by the thought that follows.
As you lick the last remnants of golden foam from the glass, you are reminded of the promise you made yourself. The thought immediately explodes into the forefront of your mind: “Oh-oh, I blew my diet!” There is a pause while you consider your next step. But before you can tell yourself it’s only a minor slippage and get back on track, the next spark that scampers across your tired gray cells is, “Well, as long as I blew it, I might as well REALLY blow it. I can always start again tomorrow.”
Once the dam has broken loose, the remainder of the evening consists of “one last night” of scavenging the kitchen, finishing off the ice cream, tearing into the bar of chips, eating the peanut butter from the jar, swallowing a pound of cheese slices, and — oh yes — making sure the six pack of beer will be gone before you go to bed. You do all these (or at least you tell yourself), “so you won’t be tempted tomorrow. If I can get it all out of the house, I’ll be OK.”
It sounds good in the moment. And when the alarm buzzes the next morning at 5AM, reminding you to do your walking program, you think, “Oy, it’s so early. I’ll start that on Monday.”
You head to work, face the same day you faced yesterday. (After all, aren’t most days pretty similar?) And, at days end, you come home, collapse on the couch — and repeat the process.
So it goes…
The problem lies not in drinking a beer or having some ice cream, but in the thoughts that lead to the actions; as well as those that follow.
It’s the belief that I have to be “perfect” that gets in the way of actually making improvement.
For example, if instead of perfection, the goal had been to be “better about my health,” the diet would have been off to a great start on day one. Yet, since the measure of success was all or nothing – perfection or failure – day one fell within the loss column. In a world made only of blacks and whites, a near miss is as bad as big miss. There is no difference. Since we can never be perfect, we will always be falling short. Since we’re falling short, we’re a failure. Since we’re a failure, why even bother to change?
Labeling events “success” or “failure” is more than semantics.
When we “fail”, we seek comfort. Although “bad” behaviors might not be healthy, they are comforting. That’s why we do them; for emotional support. It’s ironic, but focusing on our failures therefore actually increases the odds of engaging in those very “failing” behaviors.
On the other side of the coin, if we can focus on successes — no matter how small they seem — we are inspired, which sharpens the senses, allowing new feelings and, therefore new ideas to move to the forefront of our thoughts. As a result, new patterns are generated; negative behaviors are reduced. There is as much truth to the statement that “success breeds success” as there is to the truism I share in my seminars and keynote speeches, “If guilt and shame were motivational, we’d all be happier, healthier, and more successful.”
This is not to say ignore what doesn’t work.
That’s just plain stupid. However, to change the results we get, we first have to change our view; because the reality is we cannot change anything but that and our own behaviors. Our co-workers, family members, constituents, council members, might — and I say might — make minor changes to accommodate us, sure; but the bottom line is we will still have to adjust what we do. It is imperative, especially in the challenging times in which we now find ourselves, that we must find ways to congratulate ourselves whenever possible and be less hard on our ourselves when we mess up.
Success only comes in small steps. That’s frustrating, sure; however, failure arrives in a great big clanging, bang, and all at once. The choice of what we call the results of our actions can make all the difference in how well we do what we do.
Strive for Imperfection: Don’t try and do it all, just do one thing more than you did before, congratulate yourself for that. Repeat as necessary.
About the author: Scott “Q” Marcus is a professional speaker and the CRP of www.ThisTimeIMeanIt.com, a website for people and organizations who are frustrated with making promises and are ready to make a change. Sign up for his free newsletter at the site or friend him at facebook.com/thistimeimeanit. He is also available for coaching and speaking engagements at 707.442.6243 or [email protected]
Newsflash! Elayne Featured in New Series: "Getting Past What Holds You Back"
Scott Marcus is presenting "Getting Past What Holds You Back," a new series of interactive conference calls with proven experts on how to enhance your relationships, build your career, increase your wealth, find your passion, and stay balanced.
Each call will be one-hour in length and open to the public. (Advance registration is required.) And there is no charge!
The first call is September 30 at 11am PST with Mike Domitrz on "Finding Your Passion:."
I am honored to be part of this exciting series. Look for me in February to talk on what holds you back in relationships.
For more information on these programs and guest experts, go to:
http://thistimeimeanit.com/register/
I hope you'll listen in . . .
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.
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