by Elayne Savage, PhD
What an abuse of power! How could it take 15 years before authorities intervened and someone did something to stop the abuse and protect the children?
New stories keep emerging about Penn State and Jerry Sandusky. And now there are accusations about The Citadel and Syracuse University. What are the odds there’ll be more?
You are probably familiar with the Grand Jury indictment details. If you want an excellent timeline, here's a link.
Trying to make sense of it all, I began to write down my feelings. Like so many of you, I too have been touched by this story and found it stirred up childhood experiences. I'd like to share some of my thoughts with you. Perhaps my reflections will help you sort through your own reactions.
The most disturbing aspect of all this is the grownups' failure to protect the children.
Wearing Blinders and Failing to Protect
Some of my visceral reactions are personal. But you might have guessed that. Childhood memories come flooding back – of all the times I felt unsupported, unprotected and betrayed by adults who should have been acting like adults, but didn't. Or couldn't. Or wouldn't.
Part of my response is professional. My coaching and psychotherapy clients want to talk about feeling abandoned by grownups who should have protected them. They describe the loneliness of dealing with the humiliation of abuse. How they were afraid to tell anyone. The distress that comes with keeping secrets.
Writing this has been quite a process for me. Usually I send out these e-letter/blogs after one or two drafts. This one has taken much reflection and many drafts.
Many of you know I'm a psychotherapist and workplace coach specializing in how not to take rejection and disappointment so personally. Do you also know my ideas on rejection came out of many years in Child Protective Services in San Francisco?
In over 25 years in private practice I've worked with hundreds of men and women who were abused as children. I've taught child abuse reporting to mental health professionals. And I was on a task force that defined psychological maltreatment for mental health professionals worldwide.
I thought I'd heard every story imaginable, on every aspect of abuse. I was wrong.
I was astounded to read how, for so many years, Penn State officials did absolutely nothing to protect children from Jerry Sandusky. No one stepped in to stop the abuse. No one made the phone call that would have ended it. Didn't anyone care?
Much of the heartbreak for abuse victims comes from knowing that others did nothing to protect them.
Family members, teachers, clergy, and other responsible adults often appear to be wearing blinders, obscuring their vision, perception and ability to do the right thing.
I'd heard many stories about parental inaction – not protecting children from various kinds of abusive behavior.
Clients relate how their parents would look the other way when they told them about being bullied or abused by schoolmates. Instead of comforting and protecting them, their parents would say, "You need to toughen up." Now, as adults they continue to be wary of others; not daring to ask for help when they need it.
Here's how one woman describes not being protected when her teenage brother abused her. It started at age ten.
"He molested me in his bedroom, which was actually an alcove off the main hallway. There was no door. Mother, going about her chores, would walk back and forth along the hallway. Now she insists, 'I didn't see a thing.'"
Maybe she was ‘looking the other way.’
I asked my client to find out if her mother might have been molested as a child. And indeed she was. Maybe she "didn't see a thing" because it might have stirred up her own painful childhood memories.
My client, now in her mid- forties, feels betrayed by her mother for not stopping the abuse. Like so many other survivors of abuse and neglect, this failure to protect affects her ability to trust. It permeates all of her relationships.
Looking the Other Way
The Penn State powers-that-be seemed to be ‘looking the other way' as well.
For a decade and a half University officials abandoned the children by ignoring, dismissing and rationalizing known actions of Jerry Sandusky.
The message was clear: the reputation of the school was more important than the welfare of the children.
Then-graduate assistant Mike McQueary reported witnessing the rape of a 10 year old in the showers by Sandusky in 2002. Unfortunately his information was reduced to "horsing around in the shower." No report was made to police or the child protection agency as required by law.
Nothing was done at the time to prevent Jerry Sandusky from molesting again.
What prevented PSU officials from acting like responsible adults?
How many other boys have been abused since those first reports?
What toll has it taken on the abused children and their families?
Hero-worship Runs Interference
Why did Penn State officials do nothing for 15 years? John Baer, PSU alum and Political Columnist for the Philadelphia Daily News captures the political situation at the school:
"The zealous loyalty of its grads and the power of its deity, football . . . . the pull of Penn State football, to a large portion of the state, is nothing short of magnetic."
Baer asks: "Is it an extreme example of an institutional attitude? Evidence of an unspoken doctrine? 'We don't play by the same rules as other, lesser schools.'"
"Charges of a cover up . . . suggest a conspiracy of secrecy, one designed with a single goal: to protect the house that Joe (Paterno) built."
Baer goes on to say, "the school grew a reputation for self-protection, arrogance and self-righteous superiority. The real world was elsewhere. This was a world unto itself: a better world."
Was it this attitude of superiority and untouchable-ness that led to covering up these atrocities for so long?
Were they looking the other way?
Were they aiding and abetting?
Were they accessories after the fact?
Did they obstruct justice?
Rationalizations and confused thinking do not excuse actions like these.
How could they so easily sacrifice those young boys, simply to protect their sports program? What kind of reasoning did they give themselves that allowed them to choose not to protect children from further abuse by a sexual predator?
How could their priorities get so screwed up?
From the Grand Jury report and indictment, we know of the existence of eight victims over this 15-year period. What will the final total be?
What if grownups had stepped in and stopped Sandusky's behavior in 1998, when incidents of sexual abuse were first reported? University President Graham Spanier is a sociologist and family therapist. What was he thinking?
The Long Tentacles of Abuse
Fear and anxiety are constant companions of abused children. For them, it is not a matter of IF the abuse will come, but WHEN it will it come again.
Abused children hold their breath, waiting for the next time, trying to steel themselves against the physical and emotional pain. This fear and anxiety travel with them into adulthood. The effects of abuse are often devastating.
The American Heart Association presented a recent study linking childhood abuse of women to increased risk of adult heart attacks and strokes. In 2008, the Center for Disease Control found 772,000 children were victims of maltreatment – including neglect and physical, sexual and emotional abuse – but many more cases go unreported.
http://www.ama-assn.org/amednews/2011/11/21/hlsb1122.htm
Whether it is physical, sexual, emotional abuse or neglect, the messages we take in about the safety of our world and the people in it leave a lasting imprin
Trusting becomes a lifelong struggle.
More than personal relationships become damaged. Workplace problems develop as well. 'Personality Conflicts' are really about distrust, perceived rejection and taking things personally.
Rejection is the Underlying Theme of Childhood Abuse
Rejection is the underlying message running throughout all forms of childhood abuse and neglect.
Whenever sexual or physical abuse occurs, you'll find a psychological message present - of disrespect, degradation and humiliation.
At what point does the world cease to be a safe place?
How long, before self-rejecting messages start to take hold?
When does self-esteem begin to suffer?
The child receives the message he or she is worthless or flawed – valuable only for meeting someone else’s needs.
What a betrayal of trust when an authority figure takes advantage of a vulnerable child! And it is especially difficult for the child to refuse inappropriate advances when that person is a revered mentor, teacher or coach.
As one of Jerry Sandusky's victim's observed, "You just can't tell Jerry ‘No,"
A Glimmer of Hope
I'm writing this because I had to. And with the hope that I might raise awareness about the long-term effects of childhood abuse and neglect.
I especially hope this helps 'give permission' to speak out about being abused, harassed or bullied. The spotlight on the Penn State story hopefully will allow children and adults to talk to someone they can trust – even years after the incidents took place. This could be a parent, teacher, clergyperson or counselor.
When closely held secrets are finally told, healing can follow.
Here's where you can help out. If you find yourself feeling uneasy about the safety of a child and feel that child needs protecting, you can call 800-4-ACHILD.
Make the call and describe what you suspect is happening. You don't have to have 'proof' of abuse or neglect. That's up to investigators to determine. You can make the call anonymously if necessary, but please make it.
What do you think? Would you like to have a dialogue about any of the issues raised here? I welcome your comments, your concerns and your stories. You can post under 'comments' on the blog: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com or email me at [email protected]
If you want more information on rejection, abuse and neglect, 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' explores these issues in depth.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.
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