By Elayne Savage, PhD
Hmmmm. I can't be the only one with a history of relationship
breakups around Valentine's Day.
I've been through three . . . make that four . . . Valentine
relationship breakups - give or take.
But wait! It turns out lots of folks share my experience - at least
according to a recent Australian survey.
Galaxy Research survey, commissioned by the National Australia
Bank, quizzed Australian singles and couples from all cities on
their thoughts on the so-called "most romantic day of the year."
It found that almost a million people have taken the opportunity
to end a relationship around Valentine's Day. Seeing it as a time
to re-evaluate their relationships.
The survey found the most common reason for terminating a
relationship was the realization that they were not compatible (60
percent). Other relationships were ended because of the belief that
their partner had changed (43 percent) or the spark had gone (43
percent).
Grade School Disappointments
I've vacillated over the years regarding my feelings about
Valentine's Day. Some years I love it in spite of the over the
top marketing hype and under par restaurant food and service.
Sometimes I dread it as well because I expect to expect
disappointment. At least breaking off a relationship before
Valentine's Day gives me one less thing to be stressed about!
I think I learned to expect these disappointments in grade school.
I remember how disappointed I was when no Valentine appeared on
my desk from that cute guy two rows over -- the one I used to
daydream about and then was embarrassed because I couldn't answer
the teacher's question.
I remember dreading Valentine's Day back then. I was relieved to
hear in more recent years public schools have stopped this
particular popularity contest.
Let Me Count the Ways . . .
Let's speculate on why there are so many breakups before or after
Valentine's Day.
A good guess would be the hype leading to the disappointments that
follow unrealistic expectations. All too often this is a day when
the value of the relationship is tied up in a gift. All too often
instead of being direct about what we want, we tend to drop hints.
These hints are tied to the belief, "If you love me you'll read my
mind" variety.
Unstated wishes and unrealistic expectations are set-ups for
disappointment. All too often our feelings get hurt, we take it
personally and feel rejected.
This can't be good for relationships! Especially if resentment
begins to grow.
A few years ago I was interviewed for a New York Times piece on
Valentine's Day breakups. I put forth my theory that the breakup is
a kind of 'the last straw' in a long series of disappointments.
First there was Thanksgiving and all the unrealistic expectations
that come with that. Next, the December Holidays. Then comes New
Years Eve. And finally Valentine's Day. Each month can easily bring
on one disappointment after another.
What Are Your Ideas?
What are your ideas about reasons for these Valentine's Day
breakups? Do you have a story to share? I'd love to hear from you.
7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentine's Day
The key here is to keep our expectations reasonable and be clear
about what you need from the other person.
Here are a few tips for navigating Valentine's Day:
If you are part of a couple:
-1 Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetie will
read your mind. Be direct, communicating clearly about what
you yearn for.
-2 Keep your Valentine's expectations realistic and do-able.
Otherwise, it's a set-up for disappointment.
-3 Don't let the fear of choosing the wrong card or gift ruin the
day.
All too often folks avoid celebrating Valentine's Day for
fear of making a wrong choice. So they get kind of paralyzed and
don't do anything.
-4 Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families
with different styles of gift giving AND receiving. Respect each
others
'ways.'
-5 Don't mistake "not thinking" for "not caring." Your partner's
way of approaching this day may be different from yours. Remind
your self not not to feel slighted if it's "not the way you'd
do it." This goes for gift-giving as well.
-6 Don't try too hard to be "creative" in YOUR gift giving.
Just be you. On the other hand, Valentine's Day doesn't work
very well if it's an "afterthought."
-7 AND don't take it personally. Dwelling takes up way too
much energy and relationship space. Make room for connection
and intimacy.
If you are unattached:
-1 Spend the day loving yourself. You are worth it!
-2 Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to flowers you really
like.
-3 Treat yourself to that little gift you've been hankering
for.
-4 Take yourself to lunch or dinner.
-5 Be grateful for the people you are lucky enough to love
in your little corner of the world.
-6 Be grateful for the people who care about you.
-7 Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in
giving and receiving love, perhaps spreading your light in a
wider arc than your little corner of the world.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
From My Heart to Yours . . .
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
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The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230
AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
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Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230
'Note: If you can use a relationship 'how-to' or a post-Valentines rehash, I'll be a guest on Scott "Q" Marcus' teleconference Friday, February 17, 10-11AM (Pacific) on his very successful "Getting Past What Holds You Back" series of inspirational conversations:
Enhance your Relationships
Dr. Elayne Savage will help us get past what holds us back from having more fulfilling relationships. Elayne is known as The Queen of Rejection.® She is a skillful communication coach and internationally respected expert on: overcoming rejection, handling disappointment, not taking things so personally, improving communication skills, and dealing with difficult people.
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