Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

Breaches of Trust, Betrayals and Looking the Other Way - Part 2

By Elayne Savage, PhD

This is the first time I've written a part 2 follow-up in 5 1/2 years of publishing my TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com blog  – but here we go . . .

I was incredibly moved by the guilty on 45 of 48 counts verdict on Jerry Sandusky.

In November, 2011, I shared my feelings about this case and how it touched a nerve with me – both personally and professionally as a Child Protective Services worker for so many years.

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2011/11/penn-state-breaches-of-trust-betrayals-and-looking-the-other-way.html

My feelings in response to the verdict are even more powerful . . . and empowering. The victim-y residue has lasted far too long. I only hope the verdict is as empowering for the victims of Jerry Sandusky and others who have endured abuse by family, teachers, mentors. coaches . . . or whoever abused power in these kinds of ways. Abuse has many colorations: sexual, physical, emotional maltreatment and neglect.

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/abuse/

Interestingly, just before the Sandusky verdict someone posted a comment about  my September 2009 blog about spankings. Her sister had just shared that blog post with her and she in turn shares her experience of childhood spankings – and their long term effects – with us.

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2009/09/thoughts-on-spanking-children.html

And only a few minutes after her post, the Sandusky verdict came down!

After 15 years of not paying attention to complaints of abuse, the state of Pennsylvania finally wised up. They brought 48 counts against Jerry Sandusky and the jury found him guilty of 45!

Yet I still find myself asking, as I did in my earlier blog on Sandusky and Penn State officials:

Why did they look the other way for so long?

Why did it take 15 years to stop this man?

How many more boys have been vulnerable to the abusive sexual overtures of Jerry Sandusky over these years?

The good news is investigations are still going on about why Penn State officials did nothing to protect these at-risk kids that Jerry Sandusky coached and mentored through his Second Chance Foundation.

Hopefully this is a heads up for parents and authorities. Hopefully this verdict will give other victims permission to speak up about the mistreatment, shame and humiliation they have endured. Hopefully, other perpetrators will be stopped.

 Life-long and Life-changing Consequences

Attorney General Linda Kelly talks about the "life-long and life-changing consequences" for his victims. In spite of her skipping over the fact that it took 15 years for justice, the video is worth watching. She asks, "Who would believe a kid?" We in Belleforte, PA  could and would believe a kid." . . . Well, yes, but it took authorities 15 years since the first report by child and parent surfaced in 1998.

Here's the link to the Attorney General's comments:

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/06/22/12365711-landmark-day-reaction-to-guilty-verdict-in-sandusky-child-sex-abuse-trial?lite

As Kelly states, "where there is one victim, there very likely are more." No surprise that Sandusky's adopted son, Matt, now alleges sexual abuse by Jerry Sandusky. Especially since we found out Matt's ex-wife was trying to protect her children by getting a restraining order when Sandusky was first arrested in November, prohibiting  her three children from sleeping over their grandparents home.

Just Call 1-800-4-ACHILD If You Think Someone Might Be Abusing a Child

Perhaps you, too, know of children who could use some protecting from inappropriate sexually, physically or emotionally abusive behavior - or neglect.

 I'm hoping this verdict will give permission to those who have been abused by an adult – and to caring adults in their lives – to come forward.

 You can call  800-4-ACHILD  or contact your local police, or sherif or Child Protective Services Agency.

 Make the call and describe what you suspect is happening. You don't have to have 'proof' of abuse or neglect. That's up to investigators to determine. You can make the call anonymously if necessary, but please make it. 

Thanks for listening. As you can tell this is an emotional topic for me. This jury verdict brings validation and justice - for myself and in the name of every other  child who has experienced this kind of lopsided abuse of power by an adult.

And hopefully it will help balance how we view the safety of our world  . . . and the people in it.

 © Elayne Savage, PhD

Your thoughts? I'd love to here from you . . . [email protected]

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

 Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

Memorial Day: From Honoring the Dead to a Day of Dread - and Back Again

by Elayne Savage, PhD

I've dreaded Memorial Day from the time I was 12 years old.

Each year Memorial Day meant we had to take the long drive to the South Omaha cemetery to visit my mother's grave. I remember feeling so relieved when the day was over. I wouldn't have to feel those feelings  – for another year.

I hated those cemetery visits.They meant facing reality: my mother was dead. My family was different from the families of my schoolmates. I couldn't pretend I had a mother like the other the kids. 

Some of you know my story: how my mother and grandmother died when their Braniff DC-3 crashed into an Iowa cornfield:

http://globegazette.com/news/local/the-other-s-airplane-crash/article_cd0e9afa-56ce-5f39-9e53-cccb05d0de32.html

Because it wasn't handled well, healing from this loss has been a slow and painful process. The Enneagram of Death by Elizabeth Wagele will be published shortly. You'll find my story, "There is to Be No Grieving."

A Pity Party for Me, Me, Me

In my child's mind, the meaning of Memorial Day got garbled. Somehow it became all about  me, me, me -- my misery in losing my mother. 

I lost sight of the real meaning of the day. I think part of me knew the day really wasn't about my mother. I think I really did know it was to honor those who died serving their country.

Yet, my overriding memory was the dread of that long drive to the South Omaha cemetery, stopping on the way to buy flowers.

This day for honoring the dead became a day of dread. The day came to symbolize the rejection I experienced from the abandonment. Accompanying fears followed me into my adult years. Memorial Day remained difficult and depressing. I shunned picnics and barbecues.

As you might guess, isolating myself made the holiday even more lonely.

Then a few years ago something shifted for me. A good friend, a Vietnam War vet, sent me a Navy Times article describing the high rate of military suicides.

The article surely heightened my awareness of the men and women who have died in the service. Mostly, though, it got me thinking about the growing number of active duty suicides. As well as the climbing rate of suicides by veterans..

These days the statistics are shockingly higher. The Vice Chief of Staff of the Army reported 164 active-duty Army, National Guard, and Reserve troops took their own lives in 2011.

However the rate is surging in the early months of 2012. Recent Pentagon data shows 154 suicides for active-duty troops in the first 155 days of 2012!  This almost one-a-day average is 50 percent more than U.S. forces killed in action in Afghanistan.

The suicide rate for veterans is even higher. The Department of Defense now estimates 18 veterans die by their own hand every day. That would be one every 80 minutes. Over 6,500 a year. (The total number of military deaths since the start of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars is over 6,200.)

As I became aware of these numbers Memorial Day began to take on new meaning.  This year I felt connected in a way I never have before. Interestingly, I'm hearing the same from several of my coaching and therapy clients.

Have you had a similar experience? Have you, too, noticed your connection to Memorial Day has changed? Is this year different for some reason?

The Comfort of Heartfelt Reflections

This year I was also affected greatly by the abundance of poignant commentaries on death and dying in honor of Memorial Day. But perhaps I am just more open now to noticing. 

I was especially moved by two touching tributes: Writer Susie Madrak's poignant observations son combat deaths and Joe Biden's deeply emotional sentiments as he spoke to families of fallen military. I'm grateful to those who forwarded these links to me.

Madrak writes how "each soldier has a reason for being caught in a war . . . And when they die in the war, each death leaves a hole in the world . . . No loss is acceptable. Ask the parents, the spouses, the children."

http://crooksandliars.com/susie-madrak/each-death-hole-world

Vice President Joe Biden spoke to families of fallen military about the anguish of losing a loved one. “And just like you guys know by the tone of a phone call -- you just knew, didn't you? You knew when they walked up the path. You knew when the call came. You knew."  He recalls how he, too, "knew" when that call came his. The one informing his wife and infant daughter were killed in a traffic accident.

The audience laughed in recognition and understanding when he told them, "I knew people meant well, they'd come up to me and say 'Joe, I know how you feel.' I knew they meant well, I knew they were genuine, but you knew they didn't have any damn idea, right? Isn't that true?"

I sure can relate to those reflections! My memories are pretty spotty around the deaths of my mother and grandmother, but I think back to how hollow sounding people's  comments seemed. I remember thinking: "How can they say they know how I feel?"

If you haven't seen the short video, here's the clip:

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-57441915-503544/biden-recounts-personal-loss-shares-anguish-with-military-families/

Joe Biden's last lines remind his grieving audience – and the rest of us – how healing from a loss is a process. He speaks from his own life experiences when he promises that a time will come when "it can and will get better."  And how the time will come when thinking about the lost loved one "brings a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eye,"

This Memorial Day has been transformative for me. It doesn't seem so long ago that I was capable only of wanting this long and agonizing day to be over. 

This year I actually celebrated the day with a barbecue! And, yes, the memory of such a good time brings a smile to my lips. And now I find myself choosing to continue my connection to Memorial Day as I write and post this blog.

Amazing.

© Elayne Savage PhD

Until next month,

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230