By Elayne Savage, PhD
"It's hard not to take it personally. You worry, 'Am I not good enough?'" lamented Ann Curry in an unfortunately timed interview with Ladies Home Journal on the eve of her sudden departure from NBC's "Today" show.
These magazine excerpts emerged just as rumors were flying about her impending separation from the show. There had already been harsh press, even blaming her for the "Today" ratings drop. With the combination of criticism and rumors, Curry instantly became a poster child for rejection – in a very embarrassing and public way.
"Am I not good enough?"
Have you, too, asked yourself this question? Have you dwelled on similar judgments and criticisms? Have you been embarrassed publicly?
Like many of you, "Am I not good enough?" is a question I've asked myself throughout my life.
For me, it symbolizes all the times I've been unsure of myself, when I question my abilities, when I second-guess myself. It captures the self-doubt I've felt since I was a little girl.
"Am I not good enough?"
Like many of you, I thought I'd outgrown much of the pain of these early experiences. I, too, sometimes find myself again asking, "Am I not good enough?" It happened when I felt thrown under the bus by someone I believed in and trusted to respect my well-being.
Have you ever felt the same?
"Am I not good enough?"
This question symbolizes the times many of us feel "dissed" in some way: disrespected, dismissed, discarded, dispensable, discounted, or disposed of. You know – all the "diss" words I so often write about that are connected to rejection and taking things personally:
http://www.queenofrejection.com/article1.htm
If this sounds like victim-y thinking to you, you're right! When this happens to me I've learned to notice how I was contributing to creating my disappointments. I saw how some of the situations I found myself in were set-ups for failure. Once I was able to notice, I could try to change it by taking responsibility for my part.
It helps to check some things out:
• Are my expectations unrealistic?
• Is my vision of myself distorted?
• Am I unrealistic about who I am and what I can accomplish?
• Am I looking to the wrong people for support?
• Am I being direct in asking for what I need, or do I sometimes hope someone will read my mind?
Sometimes we feel we have been treated unfairly in the past. Unfortunately we tend to expect the same in the future.
We tend to collect injustices which stockpile and fester:
• "It's not fair!"
• "I don't deserve this."
• "How can you do this to me?"
When a new injustice hits us between the eyes in personal or work relationships, it can be devastating. All of those early feelings of inadequacy and self-rejection get reawakened.
These early perceived rejecting messages might come from family, peers, teachers, mentors or coaches. Or from betrayals of friendship. Or from failed romantic relationships.
They might develop from feeling excluded. Or not being chosen, Or not being loved or respected in the way we yearn for.
They might develop because our family doesn't understand us because we are 'different.' Maybe our ideas or goals are not accepted and we're told:
"What makes you think you can do that?"
"Who do you think you are?"
These cumulative experiences affect how we see ourselves and how we cope with present day disappointments.
Taking Disappointment Personally
To be sure, thinking positively and having hope and setting intention are useful qualities. However, when our expectations are unrealistic and come crashing down – reality is a hard landing place.
Unrealistic expectations are setups for disappointment, disillusionment, and resentment. When we’re too invested in a certain outcome, we tend to take disappointment personally.
Each new disappointment reminds us of past setbacks.
Who among us hasn’t believed exaggerated promises or engaged in some wishful thinking or put someone on a pedestal, only to watch them take a tumble?
Often disappointment feels like rejection. And rejection hurts.
And Back to Ann Curry and the "Today" show . . .
It's hard for most of us not to take criticism and disappointment personally.
For many of us questioning whether we are good enough comes from early experiences from family, peers teachers, coaches, or relationship failures. Perhaps this is true of Ann Curry as well.
Like many of you, I found myself identifying strongly with Ann Curry's distress – which prompted me to write this piece.
I know what it's like to be disappointed in myself and in others. To feel not supported by those important to me. To feel blamed when others won't take responsibility for their own actions.To feel betrayed. To be publicly embarrassed and humiliated. We all know how awful these kinds of feelings can be.
Over the years I've asked myself many times, "Am I not good enough." But I kept it to myself. It was a long time before I could say it out loud. And now I'm able to say it publicly.
So, thanks Ann Curry for inspiring me to write this piece . . .
© Elayne Savage, PhD
I'd love to hear your thoughts. I encourage you to post your experiences under 'comments' on this blog - or send me an email - [email protected]
Until next month,
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
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