By Elayne Savage, PhD
I'm offended and yes, I take it personally, by the onslaught of disrespect and incivility during this political campaign. This year bad taste seems more absurd and surreal than ever – and mean-spirited, too.
I dislike being exposed to the personal attacks, insults, bullying and condescending attitudes. I don't mean for any of these ideas to be taken as a political statement. It's mostly musings about how easy it is to feel dissed and take things personally.
Almost daily, in my various roles as a consultant, coach, psychotherapist and speaker, I hear stories about offensive, hurtful behavior by families, teachers, peers or bosses.
Almost daily, someone relates past or present experiences of ridicule, sneering, scorning, derisive laughter, undermining, interrupting, or browbeating.
Almost daily, I hear how these experiences of rejecting words, or tones of voice or facial expressions can have long-term effects.
So witnessing this deluge of dissing during this campaign is especially disturbing to me.
The 'Diss List'
I call it the 'Diss List.' A collection of rejection words beginning with "dis,"inferring some form of disrespect, and usually resulting in taking things personally. There are dozens of diss words – here are a few examples:
disrespected, dismissed, disdained, discounted, disregarded, discarded, dispensable, disconnected, disbelieved, disposable, disowned, disapproved of, disenfranchised, dishonored or disappointed in.
Are there some words on this list that describe your perception of what has been going on during the presidential and vice-presidential debates and ad campaigns? Do you have your own words or impressions to add? I'd love to hear them.
Theatre of the Absurd
To me, each election year becomes more and more like Theatre of the Absurd. Absurdism involves portraying situations where the characters raise questions but don't provide answers, where there is no assumption of purpose, and where there is no logic to motivations, creating an atmosphere of ridiculousness.
- I find it surreal to be repeatedly exposed to misrepresentations and deceptions. Being lied to is a sure-fire way for me to take things personally.
- I have a hard time watching denigrating facial expressions, smirks, eye-rolling, bullying and other dismissive attitudes.
- I find certain behaviors especially crazy-making: deflections, denials, projections, mystification and obfuscation.
Evasions, Deflections and Distractions
I know some politicians become skilled at deflecting questions. But do they realize how invalidating and insulting to intelligence this can be?
Some of us grew up in families where you ask a question but never get a straight answer. There is no definition. The subject gets changed, the issue gets skirted, and we are left feeling rejected, dismissed and ignored.
Denial and Mystification
Repeated denial by candidates of their previous statements and actions is about as surreal as it gets It feels like they are telling me I didn't see it or I didn't hear it. – that I can't trust my own ears or eyes.
Perhaps some of you grew up with your experience and feelings being denied as well: "That didn't happen." "You must have made it up." "I didn't say that." "You really didn't have a nightmare – you're imagining it."
Can you see how we might begin to mistrust our own perceptions?
Scottish psychiatrist, R.D. Laing calls this 'mystification' . . . an attempt to "befuddle, cloud, obscure, mask" what is really going on.
Interestingly, Laing's article begins with: "You can fool some of the people some of the time . . ."
I don't like being fooled. It brings back uncomfortable childhood memories of how rejecting it is to have perceptions and feelings invalidated.
Obfuscation– "Can You Guess the Hidden Meaning?"
Connected to mystification is obfuscation - the concealment of meaning in communication, making it ambiguous, confusing and hard to interpret.
A common way of doing this is by using jargon - a kind of secret language or code words that only a select group of people understand where the hidden meanings are incomprehensible to outsiders. Sometimes it feels like something like this might be happening during the ads or the debates. Or is it just my imagination?
Psychological Projections – Spreading the Garbage Around
Some political accusations seem to be more about the person making them then they are about the person or group on the receiving end.
The tendency to see certain traits in another person or group when you cannot acknowledge them in yourself is called psychological projection.
Here's how it works: When we find traits, behaviors, ideas or feelings unacceptable in someone else, it is usually because these are actually blind spots for us. We need to disown and submerge them. These traits are sometimes called our 'shadow side.'
If they do start to pop up, they make us really nervous, so we try to protect ourselves. In other words, to rid ourselves of this anxiety, we may unconsciously project these unacceptable parts of ourselves onto other folks. We may accuse them of the same types of behaviors that we find incompatible with how we want or need to see ourselves.
(Do you remember the old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing? "When someone is pointing their finger at you, remind yourself that three fingers are pointing right back at the person pointing.")
Have you noticed evidence of projection in the campaigning? Is it as perplexing for you as it is for me when accusations are flung around in this way?
Really Bad Taste
During the Vice-presidential debate, something touched me in a very personal way.
I couldn't believe I was hearing one candidate telling a car crash story in the presence of another candidate whose wife and young daughter had died in a car crash. (Maybe I'm just being too sensitive after suffering through countless plane crash stories for so many years.) I find it surreal that this tasteless behavior would occur in the debate.
And I found Joe Biden's laughter and demeaning facial expressions to be tasteless and excessive.
The Absurdity of It All
Watching the ads and debates is like watching Theatre of the Absurd. Think of Beckett's 'Waiting for Godot.' Characters Vladimir and Estragon repeatedly exclaim about taking action – but they do nothing. Much like many of our elected politicians.
Act I
Estragon: Well, shall we go?
Vladimir: Yes, let's (they don't move)
And again at the end of Act II:
Vladimir: Well? Shall we go/
Estragon: Yes, let's go. (They do not move)
Sound familiar?
I'd love to hear your ideas and comments . . .
[email protected]
© Elayne Savage, PhD
You can find other TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com blogs about campaigning at http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/politics/
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230
AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230