Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

Coping with the Boston Marathon Bombing

By Elayne Savage, PhD

I guess I'm writing this to comfort myself.

I've been in shock and withdrawn since the Boston Marathon bombings. Cocooning. Stuck.

I haven't been able to write the e-letter I'd planned. Or post to social media. I've been spending hours online re-reading every news update and watching the videos, even I often faint at the sight of blood.

I’m slowly coming back into the world again.

My heart goes out to the families of those who died and are injured. My heart goes out to everyone who witnessed the horror and to the residents of Boston whose space was so severely violated.

My heart goes out to everyone for whom time stands still with endless waiting for new information about the condition of loved ones and friends.

In these frozen moments families are hoping against hope and dreading against dread. 

And my heart goes out to our veterans and active-duty military who have been re-traumatized by the sounds and images from Boston.

This is an unsettling time.

The Power of Fear

When you get right down to it, I'm scared.

I find myself crumpling under the weight of the images of the bombings: the blood, the suffering of victims and their families, the hugeness of the horror.

I know this sounds weird, but there is another image that keeps running through my head. I imagine what it might have been like for Suspect #2, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, hiding from police under the tarp of that 20 foot boat in a Watertown backyard. Was he conscious? What was he thinking about as he lie there?

And in my imaginings I hear his mother's voice: "Go to your room and stay there until you think long and hard about what you've done!"

Fear brings on worry, apprehension, anxiety and feelings of helplessness, uncertainty and insecurity. It can be debilitating.

When these powerful responses are rooted in early experiences, a child-like fright can take over. We start re-experiencing those times when we were young and terrified and helpless. Like waking up from a bad nightmare.

And a small voice asks, "What's going to happen to me?"

I know this voice all too well. It whispers to me when I feel vulnerable —and becomes unbearably loud when my safety is threatened. For those of us who have experienced trauma at any age, we can go quickly to this place of fear and apprehension.

Many of us have experienced disasters in our lifetime: natural disasters, terrorist attacks, life-threatening illnesses and family tragedies. 

For me, of course, the most traumatic was the tragedy of my mother and grandmother dying in a plane crash when I was twelve. In an instant our family’s whole world turned upside down.

I also often felt afraid working as a social worker in San Francisco: unexpectedly coming across drug deals on the project stairwells when the elevators were jammed, being shot at from a window and missed by a few inches, and the time a client tried to strangle me.

Looking at Loss

Losses and disappointments play a role here as well. Most of us have experiences that can be characterized as "loss." From loss of jobs and income to loss of homes and well-being and identity . . . and hope. Loss of school friends because of a move to another city. Loss of the freedom to fearlessly attend public events. Loss of a parent through separation, divorce, illness or death. These tragedies take an emotional toll on our spirit and well-being.

These cumulative experiences affect how we cope with present day tragedies.

I have learned to expect that each time I feel afraid and unsafe and insecure these memories return in a PTSD-ish kind of way. I also expect I will most likely be a little foggy, maybe irritable, and I'll have a tendency to cocoon and withdraw for a few days.

Are you experiencing some of the same reactions? I said earlier that I was writing this in an effort to comfort myself. Let me know if my musings afford you some comfort as well.

What a lonely time this can be. You, too, may find it difficult to reach out to others. And yet, reaching out and building relationships is one of the best ways to take care of yourself at times like these.

Reaching Out

Have you been able to connect with others to talk about these losses and fears? A partner or friend is ideal. A counselor, coach or psychotherapist is another good option. Social networking and forums work, too.

Can you put words to your worries and fears? Then read your words out loud to yourself or to someone else. It makes all the difference.

Acting Out Instead of Talking Out

When pressure is building it needs to go somewhere. If we don't talk out our feelings, we act them out. Acting out is one way of releasing tension. Some of us pick fights, antagonize, fly into rages, slam doors or engage in excessive behaviors.

But acting out can be passive as well, such as foot-dragging, “yes, butting,” sulking, or giving someone the silent treatment.

All of these behaviors are ways we deal with the anxiety that builds up when we’re not able to put words to our feelings, worries and fears.

As a therapist and workplace coach I've helped clients all week to process their confusion and feelings in the wake of the bombings. And I guess it's helped me as well to get through it.

Respecting Different Coping Styles

Talking to your partner or friend is a good idea but it doesn't always go smoothly. What if you both have different ways of handling upsetting situations? What if you feel the other person doesn’t understand you and you don't feel supported by them?

We all have different ways of dealing with stress, anxiety, and fear. We learn our coping skills (or lack of them) from our family and cultural experiences.

- One person may withdraw, experiencing a kind of paralysis, while the other person mobilizes and becomes over-active.

- Another may cocoon, preferring alone time, while the other needs to increase their contact with others.

- Sometimes one is less inclined to talk about feelings and the other talks so much that it's hard to listen anymore.

If either of you feels discounted feelings can easily get hurt.

Unless both of you can respect each other's individual styles, misunderstandings can lead to anger and resentment and there's barely room for connection.

And connection with others is what's so important now.

Tips for Coping

- Give yourself permission to be upset and afraid. These are unsettling times. However try not to cross the line into biting the 'fear bait' that gets thrown out by the media and politicians.

- Put a name to your worst fear. Say it out loud.

- Talk it out. Hearing yourself say what you most fear works wonders.

- 'Walk alongside yourself.' Gain some distance from the situation to see it more clearly. Try separating the “now” of the present moment from the “then” of unpleasant childhood experiences. This frees you up from becoming overwhelmed by your feelings.

 - This objectivity allows you to choose to try out a different response.

 - Know that your partner, friends or colleagues may deal with fear differently than you. Don’t compare or judge.

  - Make a plan and incorporate a routine. It provides structure and reassurance.

 - Try not to take disappointments personally. It takes so much energy. Remind yourself, "This is not about me."

Once you create options for yourself, you won't feel so paralyzed. Once you open up a little, and let the energy flow, you'll be tapping into a sense of your power.

Move One Finger at a Time

Do you find yourself feeling like a scared little child, sitting paralyzed on the sofa, for hours or days?  Maybe it seems like you've been living in a cartoon. Things don't seem real to you, you're not a part of time. Sometimes I feel like that myself.

When you're feeling helpless, afraid, immobilized, dazed, numbed, or stunned and it becomes hard to think or act. Try to move.

Move your fingers or your toes, or your body. Try to get that energy flowing. Once you do even a small amount of movement you are no longer stuck.

If you can remember to move your finger back and forth, then your arm, you have just made a choice to reconnect with your body. Self-soothing works here too. By gently stroking your hand or your arm or your shoulder, you activate energy

Try pressing the thumb of one hand into the palm of the other. Apply enough pressure to bring yourself back to consciousness, and to your feelings. You have just brought time back into the picture.

Breathe in the Colors

My own personal favorite when I'm in a negative place is to take a walk. Releasing those endorphins makes a difference to my feeling of well-being. While I'm walking I breathe in the colors around me; the trees, plants, flowers, buildings, cars. This keeps me present and grounded. And appreciative of my world.

Unblocking Energy and Moving It Around

Here's some imagery from 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' which may be helpful.

Visualize a honeycomb. The energy takes the form of warm, thick, sweet, amber-colored liquid, constantly moving through the interconnected tunnels.  As the energy flows, a wondrous transformation takes place. Notice how the negative messages of childhood take on new qualities as they flow from space to space.

As the energy changes from life-depleting to life-sustaining, it provides sustenance, allowing room for your needs and wants, and encouraging clear boundaries. Then the energy develops new vitality, permitting choices and enhancing good communication.  And it keeps on moving and flowing.

Watch the energy spread, growing into self-acceptance and creativity. Marvel at how it fills you with a new experience of yourself and new ways of relating to others.

I’d very much like to hear your experiences with loss and fear. You can e-mail me at [email protected] or post under comments in the box  at the bottom this blog entry.

Resources:

Here is a terrific piece by Patricia Watson, PhD on coping with distress, traumatic stress and PTSD

http://huff.to/17GWnQt

More about Elayne's experience with the tragedy of the plane crash;

'There Is To Be No Grieving’

http://bit.ly/SYkMJv

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230

 

When April Fool's Office Pranks Turn Into Bullying

By Elayne Savage, PhD

I was just reading about how to design the best creative April Fool's pranks for the office. The author thought these ideas were hilarious.

I didn't find them funny.

Thinking about April Fool's Day in the office conjures up memories of one of the worst work-related days of my life.

I was out of the building all morning, in a meeting on the other side of San Francisco. I got a  phone call from my very upset co-workers. They found a memo on my desk that morning signed by the Program Director.

I was being immediately transferred to another work unit. Immediately meaning the following day.

Transferred immediately? What a shock. I was stunned at how unprofessional it was that I wouldn’t be able to say goodbye to my current Child Protective Services clients.
The suddenness of this decision was disconcerting. For all of us.

Two co-workers traveled across town to meet me for lunch. We attempted to console each other. We agonized for hours about what this transfer would mean for me, for my clients and for the team. What a long and miserable day it turned out to be.

We returned to the office and at 4pm we learned the truth. The supervisor across the room 'fessed up. "Just a little April Fool's prank,” he explained. “Can’t you take a joke, Elayne?” Ha. Ha Ha.”

Ha, Ha Ha? His little 'joke' interrupted my work concentration for weeks. I found myself stewing about his seemingly malicious act. In spite of trying not to, I felt victimized by his action – especially when I heard his rationalization for writing the memo and forging the signature.

He finally admitted faking the transfer memo to punish me.

I Guess He Took Me Personally!          

Apparently he was nursing negative feelings from an ad hoc meeting the week before when I’d respectfully disagreed with one of his ideas.

“I was just trying to teach Elayne a lesson,” he explained to staff. "So I wrote the memo, and I signed the signature of the Program Director." (That no one thought to question the legitimacy of such a capricious memo speaks reams about the certifiably dysfunctional environment at that place.)

For years I attempted to stay out of his way.

Too many times I’ve seen him being mean-spirited with others. I figured it was only a matter of time before he got around to bullying me as well.

Then we both found ourselves on this lunchtime committee. I was willing to take a chance on his bullying reputation because I felt the goals of the committee were crucial to resolving problems in the work environment of the Department.

I should have known better.

After he admitted his prank, we learned he also sent a fake transfer memo to another committee member. Apparently he was teaching her a lesson as well. She, too had resisted his ideas at the meeting the week before.

Because we were on different floors, neither of us knew of the other’s situation until the end of the day. He managed to upset quite a few people for quite a few  hours.

Did I Take It Personally?

You bet I took it personally! (Of course in those days I took about everything personally.) Co-workers felt the ‘joke’ was personal because of the retaliatory and harassment aspects. I was stunned and hurt. For weeks I replayed the incident in my mind. It interfered with my work performance.

In retrospect I can see how his actions were more about him and his insecurities, then they were about me. And like most bullies, he was puffing himself up with this power play.

At the time it was the mean-spiritedness that hurt the most. And I just hated getting thrown so off-kilter by the unexpectedness of the 'assignment change' and the rejection/betrayal messages I gave myself.

And now, over 25 years later, I still have a visceral response when I think about that awful day. In fact, many years after the incident, I dreaded attending the memorial service for a coworker friend. Scary visions of running into the April Fools prankster almost kept me away.

The Ghost of the Bully in the Alley

Since childhood, bullying behavior triggers fearful reactions for me. When I was 6 years old and living in DC, the teenage boy next-door used to threaten me in the alley. And each time I’m exposed to bully behavior, that original child-like fear reoccurs in a PTSD-ish sort of way.

Being bullied is traumatic and painful. How deeply these experiences penetrate! How powerful an effect they can have for years to come!

It's said that we define who we are by the way we're treated by others. If others treat us with respect, we feel valued and come to think of ourselves as lovable. If we're treated with scorn, we feel reviled, and come to think of ourselves as immensely unlovable.

When peer relationships are destructive, the scars that form are not easily healed. Old hurts stick around for a long time.

And yet for me, something good came from it. In a kind of convoluted way the experience gave me the opportunity to develop interest in and expertise in workplace bullying.

What Bullying in the Workplace Looks Like

Bullying in the workplace involves repeated incidents intended to intimidate, offend, degrade embarrass or humiliate. Sometimes bullying takes the more subtle form of manipulation.

Bullying in the workplace takes a myriad of forms. Here are a few:

- harassing, intimidating, undermining, excluding or isolating, spreading rumors, invading privacy
- practical joking in a mean-spirited way
- constantly fault-finding or changing work guidelines
- assigning unreasonable duties or establishing impossible deadlines that are set-ups for failure

Workplace Bullying is Costly!

Bullying in the workplace takes an emotional and financial toll. Productivity and performance suffer because the person who feels bullied spends hours or days dwelling on the incident. Often concentration is shot.

And, too often, we take it home with us. Stress levels increase and family tensions arise.
Health problems develop: anxiety, insomnia, stomach problems and headaches.
Absenteeism, sick leave and job turnover increase.

And here's the most insidious part: there is usually a decrease in morale.

10 Tips for Bully-busting

*  Remind yourself; The best defense against a bully is to take action. Bullies need victims, so empowering yourself is the key.

*  Try not to get emotional – a show of emotion is often what they are after. Again, bullies need victims.

*  Take a deep breath and set your personal boundaries. FIRMLY tell the person that his or her behavior is disrespectful and not acceptable and you will not tolerate it. Let them know It’s one thing to vent and express their frustration to you, but they cannot become abusive. Ask them to stop immediately.

*  Document for HR (or superiors) in writing every instance - date, time, what was said, any witnesses.

*  Speaking privately to the bully is one option, but putting it in writing to the bully is even better. Send a copy of the note to the bully’s supervisor (of if the supervisor is the  bully, a copy should be sent to HR or the CEO.)

*  Remind yourself that bullies are feeling neither good about themselves nor powerful in that moment. When they bully, they are only puffing themselves up to feel more powerful.

*  When someone is feeling stressed or anxious they are most likely feeling out of control. They try to control their environment - but there are people in it who feel controlled by them.

*  When the bully inflates him or herself, this takes up a lot of  space. You can even this up by standing your ground and keeping your space so you won't easily deflate and feel diminished.   
   
*  Try to separate the "then" from the "now." Remember if you find yourself overreacting, early bullying experiences and rejection  messages might be involved here.                         

*  Practice speaking up about your feelings instead of harboring hurt and resentment.
         For example: "I heard you say "________________."
         When you said that it felt like you were teasing.
         Even if you didn't intend it, I got upset.
         I hope our future exchanges can be free of that."

And My All-time Favorite Tip . . .

The best way to get someone to give YOU respect is to show respect to them. Think about something you can appreciate about the other person. It can even be something inconsequential. Maybe their choice of clothing or colors, their laugh, their eyes. Then concentrate on that ‘something.’
They'll see respect in your eyes and just maybe some respect will  come right back at ya . . .

Have you had experiences with workplace April Fool's jokes that turned into harassment or bullying? I'd love to hear your story.

[email protected] or you can post on the COMMENTS section below.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2bEGDqu

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://amzn.to/2ducIm3

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
[email protected]
510-540-6230