By Elayne Savage, PhD
"You're fired!"
"We won't be needing your services anymore."
"We're canceling your show."
How can you hear those words and not to take it personally? Especially if it feels unfair or there's been a betrayal of trust. Most especially if you didn't see it coming.
It's hard not to feel victimized.
Chances are you are feeling 'dissed' as well -– disrespected, dismissed, discarded, dispensable, discounted, disposed of. Each of these is a form of rejection.
It's a Long Fall for Icons
Recently we've watched several media icons fall or get tossed off their pedestals.
- George Zimmer unceremoniously ousted by The Men's Wearhouse board of directors.
- Paula Deen sabotaging her career with thoughtless musings reflecting her Southern heritage and being fired multiple times: by the Food Network, Walmart, Caesars Entertainment, Smithfield Foods, Target, Home Depot, and diabetes drug maker Novo Nordisk.
- Brian Williams feeling "insulted" that NBC dropped his show, 'Rock Center.'
- Neal Conan making it clear NPR's decision to cancel Talk of the Nation was not his idea.
And when the firing is so public, the hurt and anger most likely intensify.
All Fired Up About Getting Fired
Have you ever been fired? Did you take it personally? What kind of emotions do these recent rash of firings bring up for you?
A long time ago I was fired from a Medical Social Worker job at a major hospital. They gave two reasons; My supervisor ordered me to address a 15 year old as "Mr. Jones."
I thought it was a ridiculous request and flat-out refused. She wrote me up.
The other charge was more legitimate I guess: I neglected to write a piece of information in our records before I went out of town for three days, even though I had informed the doctors and nurses on the ward.
Did my firing feel unfair? Yes. Did I feel unsupported and betrayed by people I worked with? Yes. Was I angry and resentful? Yes. Did I feel victimized? Absolutely.
I've been thinking a lot about victimhood lately. Feeling like a victim is a place I used to go to quickly – especially when I'm feeling sorry for myself. It doesn't take much for me to find myself right back in that helpless childhood place where new hurts pile on old ones. And old experiences seem to come out of the woodwork: secrecy, betrayal, lack of support and accusations that my perceptions are wrong.
I wasn't aware of my victim-y behavior until a coworker pointed it out to me. Of course I denied it, but on reflection, he was absolutely right. From that time on, I've been mostly able to spot this tendency in myself. I can usually make a conscious decision not to repeat the victim routine. Although, truth be told, I still can do a pretty good job of feeling sorry for myself. Guess an occasional pity party feels like home!
Romany Malco on Victimhood
Recently I was able to contribute some ideas to a touching blog on victimhood. Romany Malco (aka Tijuana Jackson) wrote about difficult childhood experiences. He asks: " what distinguishes the victim who manages to transcend his/her trauma(s) and go on to lead a love-filled, purpose-driven existence from one who chooses a more counterproductive (sometimes self-destructive) life?"
Read more: http://bit.ly/1bzJDwX
In response to Malco's question about victimhood, I see it this way: The big difference is the empowerment that comes from knowing we have choices – recognizing we are walking down that victim path and knowing we can decide to try out another road. Making choices is being proactive, rather than passive. It can be a powerful, exhilarating feeling—and so freeing.
You may already be familiar with Portia Nelson’s “Autobiography in Five Short Chapters." For my own sense of well-being, I like to re-read it every so often.
I
I walk, down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost . . . I am helpless
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
but, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in . . . it’s a habit.
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next time,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598
To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
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