Happy Thanksgiving and Some Tips for Navigating Family Gatherings

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you who celebrate this holiday.
And to those of you in other countries, continents or cultures -
wishing you a time of gratitude, of appreciating and of
receiving appreciation.

I'm thankful to be able to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving. A few

days ago I had a skirmish with a glob of peanut butter(!) that

decided to sight-see for a while in my esophagus, refusing to travel

on downward. Thankfully, I won the battle!

What perfect timing to give me pause to think long and hard

about what I'm most grateful for . . .

Let Me Count the Ways . . .

I'm grateful for the wonderfully supportive people in my life.

Some are new friends but many are old – going back to middle

school, high school and college. Some are from my first real

job decades ago. And I even stay in contact with my high

school English teacher!

I'm grateful to be able to reconnect with friends after losing

contact. It happens because one of us reached out, and the

other was open to receiving. These are special friendships

because they could easily have been lost forever.

I'm grateful for my mentors and teachers and the opportunities

presented. I'm especially grateful that I have the wisdom (OK,

maybe intuition) to be open to receive.

I'm especially grateful for my wonderful family. And there is so

much to absorb from my six year old granddaughter, a terrific

teacher of life lessons. 

I have learned a lot from family and friends.

 

My coaching and psychotherapy clients and workshop participants

have taught me much. I'm grateful to you who receive this e-letter –

and for your emails and blog comments. So much to learn from you!

I appreciate smiles from strangers I pass on the street - and I usually

smile back. I'm grateful when someone responds positively to a

favor it took me days to work up to asking for, I'm thankful when

folks graciously let me give something back to them.



 

And I'm grateful, too, for the intention and healing in our hearts and

minds that contribute to making the world more healthy, strong and

humane.

For many of us, giving and receiving appreciation isn't easy.

Sometimes it helps to have a reason. Thanks, Thanksgiving for

providing a reason or two or three!


This is the time of year I often give some Holiday get-together tips

for taking good care of yourself by not taking obnoxious relatives so

personally when you are talking to the turkeys at the dinner table.


So here we go:

Talking to the Turkeys at the Table

How can you make sure your holiday gatherings don't end up in

battles, choosing of sides and hurt feelings?

 

Here are some useful tips for getting through the Holidays:

Uncle Alex is baiting you again with his political rants.

He pulls you in every time. And this year there lots to be polarized

about! You're embarrassed to find yourself raising your voice to

make 
your point.

 

–  Don't bite the bait. Avoid the fish and the

fisherman' routine. If you need to, get up from the table and

excuse yourself to go into the bathroom and take a few deep breaths.


–  Be direct. Say "'Uncle Alex, I can see you feel strongly about your

ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this

subject at this time.'"
   
Remind yourself: Uncle Alex's behavior is a good example of
Theatre of the Absurd.

Mom is doing her 'Queen of the Kitchen' number. She insists

on bringing  her salad dressing even though you made a perfectly

lovely one.

–  It's almost comical. Why not appreciate the humor in the

situation, and laugh it off.
 
– Try not to take it personally and remember: "Mom's being her

Mom-self." It probably help her to feel useful and mom-like. Maybe

she's not quite ready to give up her mom role quite yet.
 
Remind yourself: Mom's behavior is a good example of Theatre

of the Absurd.

Aunt Sally's unrelenting teasing never fails to make you

uncomfortable and 
self-conscious. She's done this ever

since you can remember. She sees your discomfort and goes

full steam ahead. "You always were just too sensitive," she

stage whispers loud enough for everyone to hear. And you

want to crawl under the table and  disappear.

 

–  This is a good time for a deep breath. Maybe several.

Breathing 
slowly ten times will usually help to take the

charge off of the situation.

–  By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.


–  And if you make an effort to thank Aunt Sally when she shows

the slightest interest in you or gives even a minimal validation, it 

reinforces the positive behavior. Maybe she'll even have something

nice to say to you next time.

Remind yourself: Aunt Sally's behavior is a good example of Theatre

of the Absurd.
 
Dad is drinking too much again and making comments loudly

under his breath about your weight. This time he asked loudly if

you really needed to put whipped cream on your pie. It's awkward

and humiliating. What do you do?

–  Remember you have choices now. When Dad teased you when

you were 
small, you didn't know how to consider choices.

–  Now you can remind yourself you don't have to stay there and take

it. You can 
leave the room gracefully and regain your composure.

Maybe go into the kitchen and get a glass of water or the bathroom

to take a few deep breaths.


–  Having a talk with him about it in a sober, uncharged  moment will

be more 
effective than trying to talk to him at the table.

Remind yourself: Dad's behavior is a good example of Theatre of

the Absurd.

Sometimes it helps to consider how the scene you are witnessing

is as surreal as an absurdist play like Beckett's "Waiting for Godot"

or Pirandello's "Six Characters in Search of an Author." This can

give you the  distance you need to take a step back and not take

things so personally.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! And Happy Chanukah too! 


 
Your support, emails and blog posts mean a lot to me. I truly

appreciate your interest and input.

Do you have an appreciation story to share? What about

your own experiences with 'Turkeys at the Table'?

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
 

Elayne
 
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
 
You can order books and CDs directly from my website:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
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A COUPLE from Amazon:
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