By Elayne Savage, PhD
Do you find yourself drawn to reading certain printed words
over again?
I seem to stumble across these words just when I'm most
needing their wisdom. It's as if they appear in front of my
eyes by magic.
Perhaps they reside in a book or blog or a handout or
something I happened to save on my compute filed in the
ubiquitous "Elayne's Stuff" Folder.
One that pops up when I most need it is a particular Monday
Morning Memo about Limiting Factors and Defining
Characteristics by marketing consultant Roy H. Williams.
Each time I re-read it I learn more about myself and my
relationships.
Isn't it amazing how previously read words can seem fresh
and new when we are able to receive them in a different way?
What an intriguing idea: We each have Defining Characteristics
that offer potential and we also have potentially stunting Limiting
Factors. I'm especially fascinated by how we let certain events in
our lives define us. Or we let someone else's opinion define us.
Both the growthful and the limiting aspects affect how we see
ourselves.
I, too, have allowed certain events in my life define me and color how
I see myself. And how I have let these defining characteristics limit me.
Letting Experiences Define Us
The most impactful event for me was the plane crash when I was 12 years
old. And, yes, at times I have let it define me. Sometimes in ways that I can
use to make a difference for others, and sometimes in ways that smother my
spirit and creativity.
(If you don't know my story and are curious, see the link below.)
Connected to this loss have been the times I felt neglected and
rejected by the adults in my family who I had looked to for protection.
And yet they have repeatedly disappointed me - especially when they
have made important promises and then reneged.
I have let these disappointments define me as well.
And becoming older and wiser doesn't always stop me from
re-experiencing the old pain when a rejection in the present
triggers it.
A Replay of Hurts From the Past
It recently happened again. I believed someone was able to be
fair-minded and supportive. So I took a deep breath and did
something I hardly ever do. I asked for help. Her quick and
positive response did much to bolster feeling cared about. You
can imagine how this goes a long way in balancing the long-time
experiences of rejection by the adults.
Then without warning and without explanation, she changed her
I'm sure if I was functioning in my adult mode, I would have been
momentarily disappointed but able to say, "This is not important in
the wider scope of things. After all, people do have a right to change
their mind after making a promise."
But I found myself blindsided and upset. Kind of stuck in that "Poor
Cinderella" loop that sometimes creeps in when I start feeling sorry
for myself.
Self-respect Instead of Self-reject
Did I take it personally? I sure did! The self-rejecting messages began
taking over until I gave myself a good talking-to. I walked along side
myself, noticed what I was doing, and decided to go down a different
path. One of Self-respect instead of Self-reject.
Do you, too, sometimes let your past experiences define you? Is it OK
that this happens? Or do you find it limiting? What steps have you
taken in an attempt to overcome this way of defining yourself?
Has anyone ever said to you, "Just get over it?" How do words like
these make you feel? Does it make your skin crawl the way it does
mine? (A friend once said that to me after he read a piece I wrote
about my mother's death. His seeming lack of support for me changed
my relationship with him from that time forward.)
Roy H. Williams offers much to think about in this excerpt from his
commentary on Limiting Factors and Defining Characteristics in
his Monday Morning Memo.
Perhaps, you, too, will find yourself often rereading these words:
Walk on Water
Life is a journey on water. We spend our lives floating between the
sunlit scenery of the conscious mind and the shadowy depths of
the unconscious below. Dr. Richard D. Grant tells us our relationship
to the unconscious is exactly our relationship to water.
1. We need it by the cupful to survive.
2. A plunge into it is refreshing. (Art speaks to the unconscious.)
3. Stay under too long and we'll drown. (A psychotic break.)
4. There are monsters in the deep.
Every product, service or idea has:
1. Limiting Factors - (factors that limit it. Impediments.)
2. Defining Characteristics - (characteristics that define it.)
The same is true of you and me. You and I have Limiting
Factors and Defining Characteristics.
Drifters on the ocean of life define themselves by their
circumstances. Pushed here and there by the winds and
waves of chance, their mantra is, "whatever."
Surfers on the ocean of life define themselves by their activities.
Riding the swells this way and that, they dream of the perfect wave.
Drowners in the ocean of life define themselves by their limiting
factors. Sad and mournful, they are professional victims, the
walking wounded, an army that never heals.
Navigators sailing happily on the ocean of life define themselves
by their commitments. Navigators know exactly what they're
trying to make happen and they're willing to pay the price.
Do you know what you're trying to make happen? Are you willing
to pay the price?
Limiting factors are outside you.
Defining characteristics are within.
Has your self-image been damaged by things you did not choose?
Have you internalized your limiting factors? Spit them out. Ceremoniously
and with contempt. Spit them out. Limiting factors can be fought or ignored
but they should never be accepted. To accept them is to move them
inside you.
I'm not uneducated . . . I simply chose not to go to college.
I'm not a bald guy . . . I'm just a guy who has no hair.
And I'm certainly not scruffy and poorly dressed. I'm a man whose
mind is filled with things other than his personal appearance. The
fact that this makes me look like a homeless beggar is nothing
more than a meaningless coincidence.
I am deeply committed to my wife, astoundingly loyal to my
friends and surprisingly dangerous to my enemies. See how easy
it is to choose your identity?
You alone decide who you will be.
What have you decided?
Roy H. Williams, Founder of the Wizard Academy
Monday Morning Memo August 16, 2010
http://www.mondaymorningmemo.com/newsletters/read/1886
And another stunning commentary about water and the unconscious by Roy H. Williams:
Life is a journey on water:
Consciousness is above the water.
The unconscious lies below.
The future comes into focus only when
we pass under the bridge and turn the corner.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Here's the link to the story of the plane crash:
http://bit.ly/SYkMJv
Until next time,
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
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