By Elayne Savage, PhD
This is my 100th e-letter/blog! Exactly eight years since I began November 2006 . . .
So it is with much gratitude I thank you for your support and comments and feedback.
I’m grateful, too, that I finally seem to be on the road to healing after that scary accident 3 months ago. Now if my concussion would only go away, I would be able to talk and write in sentences that make sense again!
I have learned much from family, friends, therapy and coaching clients and colleagues. And from you who have received these e-letters and responded with your own thoughts. I'm grateful to you.
I’m super appreciative of the amazing lessons I have the opportunity to learn from my wise seven year old granddaughter and super excited that I’ll be with her and her parents this holiday.
Here Comes Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving gives us a reason and permission to allow gratitude and appreciation into our lives. And here comes Thanksgiving 2014.
However, for some of us it also can be a holiday with a few conflicting feelings – clashing and banging up against each other. Perhaps in even stereophonic sound!
A part of you most likely looks forward to this holiday. After all,
Thanksgiving offers an invitation to show gratitude and appreciation
for the people and experiences in your life.
Hopefully this holiday gives you permission to appreciate you — for who you are and the person you have become. And perhaps for what you have overcome as well.
Thanksgiving gives us permission to let ourselves be appreciative – maybe even stating our feelings out loud.
However, there may also be a part of you that is award of feeling a bit uneasy
with this holiday. Perhaps it’s the part of you that stresses about planning or preparing or serving. Or the part of you that dreads dealing with the 'attitudes' of annoying or inappropriate folks during get-togethers.
Pass the Rejection, Please
Holiday get-togethers can lead to tense moments, especially in
these ultra-stressful times.
Do you find yourself crossing your fingers and hoping this holiday is going to be different from past experiences?
Do you find yourself disappointed yet again?
Does someone say or do something that ruins the day for you?
Before your eyes, the scene may seem to turn into something resembling Theatre of the Absurd.
One minute the family is getting along like a Norman Rockwell painting and the next minute they’re at each other’s throats because someone said or did the "wrong" thing. Someone copped an 'attitude,' or was too judgmental, or critical or disapproving or dismissive or condescending or sarcastic or attacking or crude or otherwise disrespectful.
Feelings get hurt and someone takes something personally.
Any way you slice it, these disappointments can feel like a huge dose of rejection.
Talking to The Turkeys at the Table
How can you make sure your holiday gatherings don't end up in
battles, feeling the need to choose sides, and suffering hurt feelings?
Here are some tips for getting through the Holidays:
* Mom is doing her Queen of the Kitchen number. She insists on
using her salad dressing even though you made a perfectly lovely
one. It's almost comical.
- Why not appreciate the HUMOR in the situation, and laugh it off.
- Remind yourself, "Mom's being her Mom-self." Maybe she needs to validate her sublime mom-ness.
Mom's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.
* Uncle Alex is baiting you again with his political rants. He pulls
you in every time. You're embarrassed to find yourself raising your
voice to make your point. With the elections just over, he thinks he has good reason to goad you and he gives it his all.
- Don't bite the bait. Avoid the fish and the fisherman routine.
- Be direct. Say "'Uncle Alex, I can see you feel strongly about
your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss
this subject.'"
Uncle Alex's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.
* Aunt Sally's unrelenting teasing makes you uncomfortable and
self-conscious. She's done this ever since you can remember. She sees your discomfort and goes full steam ahead. "You always were too sensitive," she says in a very loud voice. You want to crawl under the table and disappear.
- This is a good time to take a deep breath. Maybe several. Breathing
slowly ten times will usually help to take the charge off of the
situation so you don’t feel so flooded and can think more clearly.
- By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.
- And if you make an effort to thank Aunt Sally whenever she shows even
the slightest interest in you, it reinforces the positive behavior.
Maybe she'll even have something nice to say to you again sometime.
Aunt Sally's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.
* Dad is drinking too much again. He’s making comments loudly under his breath about your weight. It's so humiliating. What do you do?
- Remember you have CHOICES now. When Dad teased you when you were small, you didn't know how to consider choices.
- Now you can remind yourself you don’t have to stay there and take it. You can leave the room gracefully and walk into the bathroom and while you regain your composure.
- Having a talk with him about it in a sober moment will be more
effective than trying to talk to him at the table.
Dad's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.
Sometimes it helps to consider how the scene you are witnessing is as surreal as an absurdist play like Beckett's "Waiting for Godot" or Pirandello's "Six Characters in Search of an Author."
This perspective can give you the distance you need to take a step back and not feel so rejected or take things so personally.
"Excuse Me . . ."
Let's look at some effective ways you might take care of yourself.
- Excuse yourself in the living room: Before dinner, if someone
acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen
and get a drink of water or replenish the appetizer tray.
- Excuse yourself in the dinner table, you can always say a
simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close
the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I
want to handle this? What is my plan of action here?” And especially to remind yourself that this is most likely about them and not about you.
- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can LIKE
OR APPRECIATE about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate
that feature. When a person sees RESPECT in your eyes, he or she
is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.
Opt-In to Time-Outs
Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to
regain your composure. These are all examples of taking TIME-OUTS.
Visiting out-of-town relatives can be even more complicated and may take a bit more strategizing. Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives.
Consider renting a car. This “time-out” lets you be independent about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay if you need to escape from the stress of family. You might also consider taking long walks or visiting old friends or old haunts.
The bottom line is: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!
Remember: actions that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not really about you.
People project their own uncomfortable characteristics
onto you. Often these are blind spots and they're not even aware of doing it.
For example, let's go back to the dinner table and Aunt Sally.
When she sees how embarrassed you are by her teasing and says,
"You always were too sensitive," it’s a good guess she, too, is overly sensitive. “
In fact, if you ask Mom about Sally, she’ll tell you "When we were growing up, Sally always took things personally!"
Again, it’s good to remind yourself that it’s not about you.
Too Hot to Handle
Sometimes a thought or feeling is too hot to handle. Because it causes discomfort or anxiety we might fling it toward another person. This projection onto others is usually not part of our awareness.
In Breathing Room I describe projection as "when you mistakenly imagine certain traits exist in the other person when you cannot acknowledge them in yourself. This is because they are emotionally unacceptable. In other words, features that you attribute to (others) are actually disowned parts of yourself.
It’s like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space —
for safekeeping.
People deal with all kinds of unacknowledged feelings including
anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness,
vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency."
Projection also involves confusion about personal boundaries, and again in Breathing Room I describe how this works:
"When you get right down to it, confusion about personal
boundaries causes big problems in relationships. Having good
personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our
personal space is unique and separate from the personal space
of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person
begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."
By the way, Mike Robbins' book is terrific on how to harness the power of gratitude: Focus On The Good Stuff - The Power of Appreciation.'
Thanks for the Opportunity
Thanksgiving offers a unique opportunity. Consider how on this one
day a year it's perfectly OK to tell people we appreciate them – even if our tendency is to hold back from sharing such sentiments.
For many of us, acknowledging appreciation isn't easy.
Sometimes it helps to have a reason. Thanks, Thanksgiving
for providing a reason.
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you who celebrate this holiday and to those of you in other countries, continents or cultures - wishing you a time of gratitude, of appreciating and of receiving appreciation.
I’ll bet you have some wonderful holiday stories and experiences to tell – and I’d love to hear from you: [email protected] or you can post in the comments section of the blog site www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com
© Elayne Savage PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
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Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
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510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
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