By Elayne Savage, PhD
Are After-Holiday-Blahs creeping in, pushing out the good feelings and experiences of celebrating the Season?
Each year at this time I hear stories about disappointment and disillusionment from friends, colleagues, consulting and therapy clients and workshop participants. And I have some of my own experiences as well.
The blahs are disheartening and confusing. And many of us aren't sure why we feel the way we do.
Let’s try to understand the source of these end-of-the-year blues. If we can understand it better, perhaps we can do something about it.
I’d love to hear about your ideas and experiences.
The Culprits: Adrenaline Highs and Disappointment Lows
The most likely suspect here is the rush of adrenaline – both from anticipation of the holidays and the accompanying emotional/physiological stresses.
We are exposed to so many stressful situations at this time of year. There are our time/money/relationship/parenting/work pressures. And doesn’t it seem the news is full of never-ending national and international, natural and mam-made disasters? Now add all this to the pressure of preparing for the Holidays.
To deal with this feeling of urgency, our body calls upon the stress hormones – adrenaline and cortisol.
This rush of adrenaline feels pretty good for a while. We're on a ‘high’ from this overexposure to the stress hormones. In fact, it's a bit addictive and easy to feel hooked.
But once the excitement of the Holidays wears off, what happens? Thestress hormones in our system are no longer needed. This overexposure to the adrenaline and cortisol causes a 'let-down.' And down and down we go, plunging into the After-Holiday-Blahs.
Aside from the crash after the adrenaline 'high,' let's look at some other reasons for our 'let-down.'
Some of us experience after-holiday let-downs when inflated anticipations and expectations come crashing down. They end up in a heap of disappointments, hurt feelings, and taking things personally.
And all too often this feels like rejection.
Two of the biggest Holiday stressors of course are family get-togethers and gift giving. Both result in a heap of disappointments and hurt feelings – especially if expectations might be unrealistic.
Here are some snapshots of how it happens, how we react and some tips for dealing.
The Hype of the Holidays
Even though you know better, you might find yourself engaging in wishful thinking at this time of year.
Have you found yourself hoping that magically your family gathering will turn into the picture-perfect settings you've been seeing on TV?
Or you maybe you were hoping mom will praise you for your fabulous salad
because you really went out of your way this year. Instead, Mom makes her own salad dressing to put on your salad, "because yours was never as tasty” as hers.
Or you took special pains to dress up for the family holiday dinner and Dad says, "Are you wearing THAT to the table?"
Or you're bursting with pride about your new professional accomplishmentsand want to be recognized. Yet after all these years, family members are still comparing you to your cousin who was always trying to outdo you.
Any way you slice it, these disappointments might feel like a big dose of rejection. And these feelings can lead to some pretty tense moments.
You know how those 'persuasive' ads start appearing even before Thanksgiving? The purpose, of course, is to get you to spend money getting ready for Great Holiday Expectations.
Feeling Like a Little Kid Again
An interesting thing happens to us at family get-togethers. Like magic, we're transported back in time and feeling like a kid again.
When we were small, if someone teased us or acted badly around us we had no clue that we had choices. We just had to stay there and take it.
In someone acts rudely, remind yourself that you DO have Choices now. You can excuse yourself, gracefully leave the room and regain your composure.
This brings us to some tips on some other good ways to take care of yourself.
Tips for Handling the Holidays
Again, you do have choices! Taking TIME-OUTS to collect your thoughts and your composure is the most effective way to deal with finding yourself in an uncomfortable situation now.
It really does work to excuse yourself and walk into another room. To do some slow breathing, and/or counting to ten. These can work wonders to help you regain your balance (and your dignity.)
OK, now let 's talk about another Holiday disappointment -– gift giving.
Gift Giving Dilemmas
Gifts are such a huge source of disappointments, hurt feelings and misunderstandings. It's so easy to take it personally if you don't get what you had hoped for. How many times have you opened a gift and found yourself struggling to keep the disappointment from showing on your face?
But wait, you may not be quite done yet with feeling rejected. Have you ever taken it a step further by telling yourself the giver doesn't care enough about you? If they did, they'd have been able to read your mind and known what you had in mind.
And when you are the gift giver, it doesn't necessarily give you a free pass from taking something personally. Do you spend hours or days shopping for the 'right' present for someone? Then do you find yourself holding your breath to see the look on their face when they open the present?
Do you find yourself trying to 'read' their reaction through their expression and body language? What do you tell yourself?
Have you ever shopped for just the right gift for someone, spending more than you really wanted, and the gift you receive from them is a sale item at the discount store? What do you tell yourself?
And how do you feel about giving or receiving gift cards? Great idea or a set up for feeling hurt?
In other words, where gift giving is concerned there are lots of opportunities to take something personally. And so easy for disappointments feel like rejections.
Some of us have never forgotten our childhood disappointments and when any new disappointment comes our way, it brings up some of those old feelings and hurts.
Gift Giving Tips to File Away . . .
-Don't 'hint around.' No one can read your mind. Be direct about what you want. Surprises are great as long as you can keep from getting disappointed.
-Know what YOU want. If you don't know, how can you expect anyone else to try to figure it out.
Wishing each of you a Happy and Rejuvenating New Year!
For myself, I can’t wait to start fresh in 2015. Some of you have been asking for an update about my accident over four months ago. I am getting a bit better every week, although still have lots of medical appointments. If only my concussion would realize it’s been hanging out with me far too long and it’s time to move on!
Until next month,
Elayne
© Elayne Savage
More good information about adrenalin and cortisol:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/stress/SR00001
More tips on Gift giving from the Blog Archives
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
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