By Elayne Savage, PhD
“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
So much in the news lately about journalists stretching the truth, seemingly to puff themselves up in an “I was there” kind of way.
First there is the Brian Williams fall from grace when eyewitnesses discounted his claims of being in a helicopter in Iraq that was hit by rocket-propelled grenade fire. Turns out he was in a chopper that flew in afterwards.
And soon other reports of possible exaggerated stories came under scrutiny resulting in his suspension for 6 months by NBC
If you missed the Brian Williams story, there’s a link below.
And Bill O’Reilly, Too
Along come allegations that Fox News host Bill O’Reilly exaggerated his accounts of being in a “war zone” during the Falklands War between the United Kingdom and Argentina. Other CBS reporters say he was 1,200 miles away in Buenos Aires and the “war zone” turns out to be rioting in Buenos Aires after Argentina surrendered.
And accusations of his exaggerations have not stopped. Questions are surfacing about another O’Reilly story related to a congressional investigation of the JFK assassination. A potential witness committed suicide and O’Reilly claims to have heard the shotgun blast because he was standing outside the home in Palm Beach. Colleagues say O’Reilly was in Texas at the time of the suicide – not in Florida.
And the most recent accusation of fabrication is that O’Reilly reported “I saw nuns shot in the back of the head,” when apparently contradicted that when he also said he didn’t arrive in El Salvador until after the murder of the nuns.
See links below on the Bill O’Reilly/Falkland Islands story, JFK witness suicide story and the El Salvador nuns story.
So with all this in the news, clients are asking about lies and liars. And there are no easy answers.
And I have my own curiosity as well.
Through the Eyes of a Child – Midway Through the World of Magic and the World of Reality
Wow. Listening to Brian Williams’s exaggerated claims of his heroic experiences I totally flashed back to my 5 year-old self. That was when I used to make up stories of my various exploits trying to impress Robbie, the student crossing guard.
I especially remember when I told him how I slipped on the stairs and ended up ‘doing the splits’ when I landed. His eyes got big, “Really?” he said, totally awed, I thought.
Looking back I think his eyes actually got big from disbelief.
What a silly thing to say any way. Just showing off and trying to appear special, I guess.
Have to admit I’ve been a drama queen since birth — trying to impress folks with my stories. Maybe that’s one reason I grew up to be a professional speaker and storyteller. Now I can actually get paid for creative embellishing!
I guess exaggeration is what 5 and 6 year olds do.
Who hasn’t heard a 4 or 5 or 6 year old tell a tall tale? I recently was in the company of a 6 year old who was having a very serious discussion with me about all the household chores she does regularly. Making beds, caring for pets, doing dishes . . . and on and on. Quite a detailed and impressive list it was. Her serious expression was so believable — until I checked with her mother. “She told you all that? I only wish. Well, sometimes she does carry her plate into the kitchen without being asked.”
Young children live midway between the world of magic and the world of reality.
Children from ages 3 to 7 create imaginary worlds in their play. Sometimes they’re not clear where their creations leave off and the real world begins. One of my favorite descriptions of this magical world of children is in the book The Magic Years by one of my early teachers, Selma Fraiberg.
(You’ll find the Amazon link below)
Some of us never quite outgrow this confusion about the difference between fantasy and reality and continue to stretch the truth even when we turn into grown ups.
Why? To get attention and impress. To avoid trouble. To avoid conflict. To cover our tracks. To shift blame. To be nice or spare someone’s feelings.
Some of us get especially good at lying by omission and of course tell ourselves it isn’t really a lie.
With so much about lying and liars in the news lately, clients have been asking lots of questions about different types of liars: Pathological, Compulsive, Habitual, Chronic.
Compulsive and Pathological lying (also called Habitual and Chronic lying) are difficult to ‘officially’ define because they are not included as separate categories in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (currently the DSM 5.) However, they are included as symptoms of various Personality Disorder categories.
Compulsive lying is generally considered to be out of habit, where someone cannot stop themselves from misrepresenting and bending the truth.
Pathological lying is often described as goal-oriented, an attempt to get their way without concern for others.
But there is surely overlap and definitions are murky.
Below are some links to online articles that might help you understand the terminology.
Now You See Me, Now You Don’t
I once had a friend who lied a bunch. Hard not to when you have been leading a double life for decades – there is much covering up and protecting of various adventures to be done. And imagine the energy it takes to remember what you tell to who and when.
I remember saying more than once: “Wow. if you ever decide to stop lying how will you fill all that huge empty space you would be creating?
Looking back I believe it was kind of a game and the thrill of it: “What can I get away with?”
He actually believed he was a great liar, but if you looked closely, you could tell by the look on his face. Kind of a sheepish, little boy look. Maybe about 5 or 6 years old!
Micro-expressions - Brief but Telling
That look could be considered a micro-expression. According to Professor Paul Ekman, these are fleeting facial expressions that betray underlying emotions that the person may be trying to suppress. They mostly happen around the eyes and mouth, but can also appear in small movements of the hand and twitches of the legs. You have to be fast to notice them..
If you’re a poker player, you’d might call them a ‘tell.’
For eye-opening information about facial expressions, body language and lying read Paul Ekman’s ideas. (See link below.)
The Culture of Lying
I recently read a fascinating interview with John Kiriakow, a CIA whistleblower – just released from federal prison for leaking classified information on water boarding.
Here Kiriakou is describing the culture of lying in the CIA:
“Yeah, you`re trained to lie. You lie all the time. You lie, you cheat, you steal, you swindle, you trick people, that`s the nature of the job.”
And then, what would present-day politics be like without the lying? We’ve become so used to it we hardly notice anymore
“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
Here are the links I promised:
The Brian Williams Helicopter story:
www.nytimes.com/2015/02/06/business/brian-williamss-apology-over-iraq-account-is-challenged.html?_r=0
Bill O’Reilly Falklands story:
http://www.newsweek.com/former-colleagues-dispute-oreillys-account-falklands-war-coverage-308811
Bill O’Reilly/JFK assassination story link:
http://money.cnn.com/2015/02/25/media/bill-oreilly-jfk-george-de-mohrenschildt/
Bill O’Reilly/El Salvador Nuns story:
money.cnn.com/2015/02/25/media/bill-oreilly-el-salvador-nuns/
Amazon Link to The Magic Years by Selma Fraiberg:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0684825503/thequeofrej-20
Compulsive/Pathological Lying links:
http://www.compulsivelyingdisorder.com/what-is-compulsive-lying-disorder/
http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/confront_a_liar/public/pathological-compulsive.html
http://www.wikihow.com/Spot-a-Pathological-Liar
Paul Ekman/Micro-expression link:
http://www.forbes.com/2010/05/13/body-language-lie-physical-tics-forbes-woman-well-being-workplace.html
© Elayne Savage, PhD
I’m curious about your experiences with lying and liars. Do the current headlines bring back any memories for you as they did for me? Would love an e-mail or post in the blog comment section: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com
Until next month,
First there is the Brian Williams fall from grace when eyewitnesses discounted his claims of being in a helicopter in Iraq that was hit by rocket-propelled grenade fire. Turns out he was in a chopper that flew in afterwards.
And soon other reports of possible exaggerated stories came under scrutiny resulting in his suspension for 6 months by NBC
If you missed the Brian Williams story, there’s a link below.
And Bill O’Reilly, Too
Along come allegations that Fox News host Bill O’Reilly exaggerated his accounts of being in a “war zone” during the Falklands War between the United Kingdom and Argentina. Other CBS reporters say he was 1,200 miles away in Buenos Aires and the “war zone” turns out to be rioting in Buenos Aires after Argentina surrendered.
And accusations of his exaggerations have not stopped. Questions are surfacing about another O’Reilly story related to a congressional investigation of the JFK assassination. A potential witness committed suicide and O’Reilly claims to have heard the shotgun blast because he was standing outside the home in Palm Beach. Colleagues say O’Reilly was in Texas at the time of the suicide – not in Florida.
And the most recent accusation of fabrication is that O’Reilly reported “I saw nuns shot in the back of the head,” when apparently contradicted that when he also said he didn’t arrive in El Salvador until after the murder of the nuns.
See links below on the Bill O’Reilly/Falkland Islands story, JFK witness suicide story and the El Salvador nuns story.
So with all this in the news, clients are asking about lies and liars. And there are no easy answers.
And I have my own curiosity as well.
Through the Eyes of a Child – Midway Through the World of Magic and the World of Reality
Wow. Listening to Brian Williams’s exaggerated claims of his heroic experiences I totally flashed back to my 5 year-old self. That was when I used to make up stories of my various exploits trying to impress Robbie, the student crossing guard.
I especially remember when I told him how I slipped on the stairs and ended up ‘doing the splits’ when I landed. His eyes got big, “Really?” he said, totally awed, I thought.
Looking back I think his eyes actually got big from disbelief.
What a silly thing to say any way. Just showing off and trying to appear special, I guess.
Have to admit I’ve been a drama queen since birth — trying to impress folks with my stories. Maybe that’s one reason I grew up to be a professional speaker and storyteller. Now I can actually get paid for creative embellishing!
I guess exaggeration is what 5 and 6 year olds do.
Who hasn’t heard a 4 or 5 or 6 year old tell a tall tale? I recently was in the company of a 6 year old who was having a very serious discussion with me about all the household chores she does regularly. Making beds, caring for pets, doing dishes . . . and on and on. Quite a detailed and impressive list it was. Her serious expression was so believable — until I checked with her mother. “She told you all that? I only wish. Well, sometimes she does carry her plate into the kitchen without being asked.”
Young children live midway between the world of magic and the world of reality.
Children from ages 3 to 7 create imaginary worlds in their play. Sometimes they’re not clear where their creations leave off and the real world begins. One of my favorite descriptions of this magical world of children is in the book The Magic Years by one of my early teachers, Selma Fraiberg.
(You’ll find the Amazon link below)
Some of us never quite outgrow this confusion about the difference between fantasy and reality and continue to stretch the truth even when we turn into grown ups.
Why? To get attention and impress. To avoid trouble. To avoid conflict. To cover our tracks. To shift blame. To be nice or spare someone’s feelings.
Some of us get especially good at lying by omission and of course tell ourselves it isn’t really a lie.
With so much about lying and liars in the news lately, clients have been asking lots of questions about different types of liars: Pathological, Compulsive, Habitual, Chronic.
Compulsive and Pathological lying (also called Habitual and Chronic lying) are difficult to ‘officially’ define because they are not included as separate categories in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (currently the DSM 5.) However, they are included as symptoms of various Personality Disorder categories.
Compulsive lying is generally considered to be out of habit, where someone cannot stop themselves from misrepresenting and bending the truth.
Pathological lying is often described as goal-oriented, an attempt to get their way without concern for others.
But there is surely overlap and definitions are murky.
Below are some links to online articles that might help you understand the terminology.
Now You See Me, Now You Don’t
I once had a friend who lied a bunch. Hard not to when you have been leading a double life for decades – there is much covering up and protecting of various adventures to be done. And imagine the energy it takes to remember what you tell to who and when.
I remember saying more than once: “Wow. if you ever decide to stop lying how will you fill all that huge empty space you would be creating?
Looking back I believe it was kind of a game and the thrill of it: “What can I get away with?”
He actually believed he was a great liar, but if you looked closely, you could tell by the look on his face. Kind of a sheepish, little boy look. Maybe about 5 or 6 years old!
Micro-expressions - Brief but Telling
That look could be considered a micro-expression. According to Professor Paul Ekman, these are fleeting facial expressions that betray underlying emotions that the person may be trying to suppress. They mostly happen around the eyes and mouth, but can also appear in small movements of the hand and twitches of the legs. You have to be fast to notice them..
If you’re a poker player, you’d might call them a ‘tell.’
For eye-opening information about facial expressions, body language and lying read Paul Ekman’s ideas. (See link below.)
The Culture of Lying
I recently read a fascinating interview with John Kiriakow, a CIA whistleblower – just released from federal prison for leaking classified information on water boarding.
Here Kiriakou is describing the culture of lying in the CIA:
“Yeah, you`re trained to lie. You lie all the time. You lie, you cheat, you steal, you swindle, you trick people, that`s the nature of the job.”
And then, what would present-day politics be like without the lying? We’ve become so used to it we hardly notice anymore
“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
Here are the links I promised:
The Brian Williams Helicopter story:
www.nytimes.com/2015/02/06/business/brian-williamss-apology-over-iraq-account-is-challenged.html?_r=0
Bill O’Reilly Falklands story:
http://www.newsweek.com/former-colleagues-dispute-oreillys-account-falklands-war-coverage-308811
Bill O’Reilly/JFK assassination story link:
http://money.cnn.com/2015/02/25/media/bill-oreilly-jfk-george-de-mohrenschildt/
Bill O’Reilly/El Salvador Nuns story:
money.cnn.com/2015/02/25/media/bill-oreilly-el-salvador-nuns/
Amazon Link to The Magic Years by Selma Fraiberg:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0684825503/thequeofrej-20
Compulsive/Pathological Lying links:
http://www.compulsivelyingdisorder.com/what-is-compulsive-lying-disorder/
http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/confront_a_liar/public/pathological-compulsive.html
http://www.wikihow.com/Spot-a-Pathological-Liar
Paul Ekman/Micro-expression link:
http://www.forbes.com/2010/05/13/body-language-lie-physical-tics-forbes-woman-well-being-workplace.html
© Elayne Savage, PhD
I’m curious about your experiences with lying and liars. Do the current headlines bring back any memories for you as they did for me? Would love an e-mail or post in the blog comment section: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com
Until next month,
Elayne
layne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION
To order BREATHING ROOM -- CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE
REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS
You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'® as long as you include an attribution and, whenever possible, a live link to my website. I'd appreciate if you'd notify me where and when the material will appear.
The attribution should include this information: Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, keynote speaker, and trainer, practicing psychotherapist and author of Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection and Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple.
To find out more about my speaking programs, coaching and consultation services visit: //www.QueenofRejection.com or call 510-540-6230 if you or your group can benefit.
Contacting Elayne
I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.
Here's how you can reach me:
510-540-6230
www.QueenofRejection.com
For more communication and rejection tips, you can follow me:
Twitter@ElayneSavage
LinkedIn.com/in/elaynesavage
Facebook.com/elayne.savage
Recent Comments