By Elayne Savage, PhD
Last month's post on lies and liars led to this comment from a reader about keeping secrets:
“I think what’s equally as bad as lying is keeping a secret. But, it’s so lonely, frightening, and dangerous to keep secrets.”
. . . and of course, lying usually involves secrets.
For the full comment, go to the COMMENTS section of my blog: http://bit.ly/1LN0BKy
Let ’s give some attention here to what a heavy burden secrecy can be. Secrets take so much energy to maintain and as you are most likely aware, they can beget mistrust and suspicion which sure can interfere with how we live our lives.
All of this can rob both personal and work relationships of the resources necessary for desired connection.
Everyone is entitled to the opportunity to make an 'informed decision' in their relationships and they need enough information to be able to do this. Secrets may end up getting in the way of the credibility we want to present to others.
In Breathing Room I take a look at dozens of creative ways we find to fill space — preventing us from connecting in our relationships.
Holding secrets is a primary way we do this.
Sometimes We Learn Secret-Keeping in Childhood
“For some of us, secrets were woven into the fabric of our lives from an early age, leaving little room for honesty or authenticity. All kinds of things are kept secret. Parents may feel they are protecting the child by not answering questions truthfully . . .”
The family secret may be that a parent drinks too much, or says or does inappropriate things. The secrecy may be about illness or how a family member actually died.
Sometimes there are generational family secrets about the reasons families have left their countries of origin: often to escape from persecution of some kind, but it is never discussed with the next generations.
“Often, on some level, children sense what the secret is, but because of the family rules about secretiveness, they feel that they can’t comment or ask questions. So they remain very lonely in their isolation.
Another way of creating secrets is by not giving children an honest answer or by denying feelings.
I’ve blogged many times about having our perceptions discounted when we were children and how confusing it is not to be believed: “It didn’t happen.” “It wasn’t all that bad.” “Don’t be silly,” or the parent responds to a child’s bad dream by declaring, “You’re really not afraid.” When this is our model growing up, and we are not believed, we learn to be secretive. Why confide in someone if they don’t believe you?
Secrets and lies are toxic to relationships.
In Private Lies Dr. Frank Pittman writes: “Children rely upon the stability of the . . . family. If secrets keep family members from being close to one another, the family undergoes disorientation," He continues: "Children who experience secrecy and lies cannot trust what they are told, they become insecure and dependent. When the framework of the family finally collapses, there may be no honest relationships to fall back on. The children feel cast adrift."
Secretiveness Tends to be Perpetuated
Again from Breathing Room: “When people grow up in secretive families, they may continue be secretive in their adult relationships. Trust becomes an issue because they will also be expecting secretiveness from others. If someone didn’t trust you with the truth when you were growing up, it’s hard to trust others when you are a grown-up.”
I point out how secrets in grown-up relationships can take the form of Secret Contracts and Hidden Agendas. “These one-sided, unspoken contracts between two people can lead to disappointments. These expectations are based on a presumption that the other person will cooperate in a plan that has never actually been discussed between the two . . . somebody gets a big surprise when the partner doesn’t uphold their end of the “bargain,” and the “deal” doesn’t happen.
These unspoken or hidden “terms,” “contracts,” and “agreements” affect all areas of relationships — lifestyle, sex, recreation, values, friends, money, decision-making, extended families, child rearing, hopes, and plans.
Can you see how Secret Contracts and Hidden Agendas can also problematic in workplace relationships?
In fact, secrecy is a huge issue on many organizations and we may have strong reactions to how certain decisions are made at work — and take it personally when we sense we are there is deception. We may feel kept in the dark and marginalized when there is a lack of transparency, concealment of what should have been disclosed, and a breach of confidence and trust.
We have a particularly hard time if we have experienced similar feelings growing up. These experiences stockpile and each time we feel betrayed by a person or a group that we trust, deep feelings can be triggered. Doesn't it make sense that any of us who have had these early experiences are going to be reacting strongly to what feels like a betrayal by our organization. I wrote about feelings of betrayal by my Therapist Association last year in ‘Secrecy, Lies, Betrayal and Shattered Trust’ and if it sounds angry, it's because I really was!
http://bit.ly/1aXrsmy
It doesn’t feel good to be disappointed by those we trust, and these disappointments can feel like rejection.
From the Archive: http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/disappointments/
There is so much more to say about keeping secrets, feelings of betrayal and maintaining trust.
NPR did a story on Family Secrets recently. Here's the link:
http://www.npr.org/2015/03/13/392771329/family-secrets
And What About You?
- Have you, too, had experiences with keeping secrets?
- How has it felt to be asked to keep a secret? How about when you ask someone to hold a secret for you?
- Did secret-keeping when you grew up influence how you approach secrecy now in you personal or work relationships?
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next time,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
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