By Elayne Savage, PhD
Before he bowed to pressure and signed the pledge, Donald Trump announced, “I don`t want to run a third party or as an independent. I want to run as a Republican. As long as I`m treated fairly, that`s going to be the case.
And ‘fairly’ is an instinct. It`s an instinct. I know what fair is. You know what fair is,” Donald Trump proclaimed at a press conference in Birch Run, Michigan:
In Dubuque, Iowa he warned Fox News: “When people treat me unfairly, I don’t let them forget it.”
What is fair for you, Mr. Trump? Can you define it? What do you mean when you say it is ‘an instinct?’
Does it mean you think you aren't being treated 'special' enough because of your sense of entitlement?
Does it mean you get upset and retaliate when other folks don't agree with you?
Does that mean that in your gut you feel treated unjustly? That you feel slighted or attacked?
Does it mean you are taking it personally?
Sensitivity to Being Treated Unfairly
Fairness is a big issue for me as well, Mr. Trump. It doesn’t take much for me to feel treated unfairly by others. For much of my life I’ve not only been smarting from being treated unfairly, many times I find myself considering what being treated fairly means.
Fair treatment is also a concern of many of my workplace and therapy clients over the years.
Being treated ‘unfairly’ is a feeling we get in our guts when we feel disrespected. Is this the “instinct” you are talking about, Mr. Trump?
Do you tend to take things personally when you perceive injustices? Or maybe a better question would be, “How often do your feelings get hurt?”
Dissing and Taking Things Personally in the Amazon.com Culture
Since the NYT piece there’s much talk about how unfair work practices in the Amazon culture result in hurt feelings and misunderstandings.
This quote from an employee who worked in books marketing says it all: “Nearly every person I worked with, I saw cry at their desk.”
According to the NYT piece, employees report feeling their work is never done or good enough, they say they are encouraged to send secret feedback to one another’s bosses (tattling), or to tear apart each other’s ideas in meetings. Some report being evaluated unfairly or edged out when recovering from personal and medical crises.
I'm wondering if Donald Trump recognizes the similarities with the Amazon.com culture when he sneers "You're Fired" on reality TV?
Most of us have a gut reaction to injustices of being slighted, attacked, scolded, insulted, degraded, mocked, bullied, humiliated, belittled, faulted, or bullied.
When we experience any of these actions, we feel "dissed" in some way: disrespected, dismissed, discarded, dispensable, discounted,or disposed of. If you take a close look, all of these situations are connected to rejection and taking things personally.
(More about feeling rejected, judged and criticized in the link below.)
Taking Things Personally - Let's Count the Ways
Taking things personally has lots of colorations:
- Taking offense at and overreacting to perceived slights.
- Tending to believe there is intent even if there is not.
- Taking things the wrong way, or taking things the right way but your feelings get easily hurt.
- Believing folks are taking sides -- for you or against you.
- Feeling betrayed because you think someone is being disloyal.
- Getting upset when other people don't see things the way you do.
- Feeling unfairly criticized, blamed or disrespected.
- Feeling slighted or wronged or attacked.
- Developing hurt feelings and misunderstandings and even resentment.
Hurts Tend to Stockpile
If we feel we have been treated unfairly in the past, we tend to expect the same in the future.
We tend to collect injustices which stockpile and fester:
- "It's not fair!"
- "I don't deserve this."
- "How can you do this to me?"
Whenever a new perceived injustice hits us between the eyes in personal or work
relationships, it can be devastating. Those early feelings of insecurity, inadequacy and self-rejection are reawakened.
Early rejecting messages might come from family,
peers, teachers, mentors or coaches. Or from betrayals of
friendship. Or from failed romantic relationships.
They might develop from feeling excluded. Or not being chosen, Or
not being loved or respected in the way we yearn for.
They might develop because our family doesn't understand us because we are 'different.' Maybe our ideas or goals are not accepted and we're told:
"What makes you think you can do that?"
"Who do you think you are?"
These cumulative experiences affect how we see ourselves and how we cope with present day disappointments.
It usually boils down to feeling we are treated unfairly.
There is fascinating research reported on how humans and monkeys share an innate sense of fair play which includes a video link showing how a monkey throws a tantrum at unfair treatment and inequality.
(You’ll find this research and a video link below. )
Rudeness is Contagious - and Childish Too
Rudeness is contagious and has a negative effect on performance according to research at the University of Florida.
(See the link below.)
Related to this have been other studies showing how work performance and productivity improve when employee’s are appreciated and validated by recognizing their accomplishments. Seems like a no-brainer.
And regarding the contagiousness – I notice that It isn’t just Donald Trump or Amazon that disperse rudeness and disrespect. It seems to be infiltrating attitudes in many situations all around us. Have you noticed this as well?
Fair treatment is connected to feeling respected by others. And receiving respect from others is easier to achieve when they feel respected by us.
Sometimes this is really hard to do when we don’t like someone — and there are many difficult people out there in workplace and personal relationships.
I’ve come up with a way to give and receive respect. And it works!
The trick is to find something to like about the other person — even when they are pretty much unlikeable. It could be their sense of style, their organizing skills, their laugh, even their hair color.
Because when you are concentrating on something you can genuinely appreciate about them, something positive will show in your eyes. And since we were infants, most of us are looking into someone’s eyes for acceptance, for that gleam.
If you have a chance to try out this experiment, email me at [email protected] and tell me about your experience.
I’d also love to hear about your experiences with unfairness.
And by the way, a reminder for both Mr.Trump and Amazon’s Mr. Bezos:
The Oxford Dictionary defines Diplomacy as “The art of dealing with people in a sensitive and effective way.”
Here are links to the references above:
Statements about being treated unfairly:
http://dailycaller.com/2015/08/12/trump-i-was-the-establishment-video/#ixzz3j2pjanIR
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2015/08/25/trump-boots-reporter-vows-hold-grudges/32369663/
NYT piece about the Amazon.com culture:
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/16/technology/inside-amazon-wrestling-big-ideas-in-a-bruising-workplace.html?_r=0
On overcoming rejection, judgments and criticism
http://www.queenofrejection.com/article1.htm
On monkeys sense of fair play:
http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/350009#ixzz3iv7Pzk9P
Scroll down to the working video.
On how workplace rudeness is contagious:
http://news.ufl.edu/archive/2015/07/its-official-workplace-rudeness-is-contagious.html
And if you missed my earlier blog on the rudeness and disrespect that runs rampant in the 2016 Presidential campaigning, here it is:
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2015/07/trumped-up-and-slammed-down-the-2016-presidential-primaries.html
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Until next time,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.
Both books are now available on Kindle!
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